And When I Wake
by aMUSEment345
Summary: Reid is surrounded by people he cares about, and who care about him. "It should be enough. So why am I yearning? And what am I yearning for?" Follows on Before I Sleep, and best read after reading that story.
1. Chapter 1

_**A.N. This has absolutely no business being posted, because I have absolutely no business writing FF when I have mountains of work to do. But I was in serious withdrawal, desperately needing to ingest some new CM storyline. And, since the video version won't hit my TV screen for a few months…well, there really was no choice…**_

 _ **Follows on Before I Sleep, about six months later. Best to read that one first.  
**_

 _ **##########**_

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 1**

Spencer Reid dropped the bag of take-out Thai on his kitchen table, and walked out to the living room, intending to do the same with his messenger bag. He was exhausted, famished, and elated.

 _That went really well. I mean,_ really _well. The kids were really engaged._

Eight members of the mentorship program had come for a tour of the FBI building at Quantico. The 'fledgling feds', as Morgan called them, were mostly male, but the program had acquired a few females along the way. Two of them had been among those touring the BAU and other areas of Quantico today. And one of those two females had been Meg Callahan.

It had been Kate's idea to partner the inner city school with the suburban one. "Everybody needs mentoring. And I know Meg needs to learn about how other kids live their lives. Why not a partnership mentoring program?" she'd proposed.

And, so, it had become. Reid would be ever grateful that Kate Callahan and Stephanie Rowe had stepped up to coordinate the pairing of the two schools. While his powerful IQ should have lent itself easily to the task, his personality did anything but.

"I know", Stephanie had joked, "you're the _idea_ guy, not the 'i-dotting' or 't-crossing' guy."

He'd been embarrassed. "Well….I _can_ , if you want me to, but…."

JJ had led a round of barely suppressed snorts. "Spence, you're the guy who forgot to load your Metro card, at the same time that you left your wallet behind, remember? That was when you…."

"Had to walk six miles to your apartment," came in a chorus, followed by good-natured chuckling.

He played wounded. "It was an honest mistake. I was just distracted. That was when Gary was in the tournament."

Reid's personal mentee, Gary Wu, had won the annual spring Chess Challenge in the DC area, after having come in a close second in the Winter Tournament. Both events had necessitated some intense coaching sessions between Reid and the young man of whom he'd grown so fond.

"And besides," he continued, "It was good exercise. Aren't you always telling me I need to get out more?" This comment directed to JJ.

She conceded. "Guilty. So, that's what it was about, huh? Exercise?"

He had to laugh. "Also guilty. I just forgot. But it all turned out okay, didn't it?"

They'd laughed about it, all four of them, as they'd planned for today's trip to the BAU. Tonight, Reid dumped his messenger bag, washed up a bit, and then brought his Pad Thai to the sofa to eat...with a fork.

He put the first bite into his mouth and leaned his head back against the sofa. _Ahh. Two birds._ He was alleviating his hunger and his need for rest at the same time, in blissful synchrony.

 _I can't believe this is me. This is my life. I haven't had a minute to read all week._

It was so unusual for him, apart from when they were away on a case. Mostly, Reid was used to spending his free time with the great minds of the past. Occasionally a contemporary author would find his way into Reid's hands, but his genius brain preferred the thinkers, and the thoughts, of old.

For the past few years, he'd been heavily engaged in discerning the meaning of life….and of _his_ life, in particular. It wasn't an unusual task for someone of his age, but it was being carried out with unusual urgency. The loss of the only woman with whom he'd ever fallen in love….the woman whose unseen face had been at the center of all of his images of the future…. had precipitated a crisis in Reid's life. Not just the loss of Maeve, but the loss of the future he'd begun to imagine. The loss, really, of any sense that he would ever have a life beyond the confines of the one he was already living. It had taken the heart from him, brought him to a depth of depression from which he didn't know how to emerge…not that he cared to. But, gradually, time had done what it always does. It moved forward, putting distance between himself and the event, granting him perspective and a blessed numbness.

The lessening of the pain of existence had allowed him to work, and to maintain those relationships that were still in his life, even if he lacked the energy to cultivate them. Looking back, he knew he would be forever grateful for the friends who realized that, and allowed themselves to be neglected while he healed. When a sudden threat put one of those friends….his dearest….in mortal danger, he emerged from that cloud of apathy all at once, finding his purpose again, finding his heart. But, having found those, he was still finding his _way_.

 _I can't remember the last time I just spent an evening at home, alone, reading. And I need one. Badly._

The terrorism case that had nearly killed JJ, the one that had caused Reid to willingly put his own life on the line, had also introduced him to a cause. For years, he'd dabbled in playing with the chess kids, taking on something of a mentor role to some of them. But the case had shown him just how at-risk the kids were, and there was born in Reid the need to do something more. To save them before they needed saving. To give them alternatives, to show them another side of life.

He would have foundered there, not knowing how to go about it. But Stephanie Rowe had come into his life…..been brought in, actually, by JJ and Garcia…and she'd brought the answer with her. A mentorship program pairing those in the arts, and various other fields, with the kids in inner city schools. Reid seized upon the opportunity and, together with Kate Callahan, got the FBI involved. And, courtesy of his several times being in danger of death, he was able to also involve Linda Kimura and the NIH medical community.

 _Funny how things work._

He loaded another mouthful of Pad Thai and stared out at the cityscape through his window. The image of the buildings and lights was soon displaced by another one. His mind's eye presented Reid with the image of a woman with long dark hair. It _could_ have been Stephanie…but it wasn't.

 _Can you believe it, Maeve? You knew me better than anyone. Did you ever see me doing all of this?_

As it always did when he entered these conversations, Reid's heart echoed with regret, resounding through the hole left by the loss of the woman he'd loved.

 _She would have been happy for this. She would have embraced it. I'll bet she would have had the kids in her lab, sequencing DNA. Wouldn't you, Maeve?_

She'd been taken from him by another brunette, bent on vengeance for a slight that wasn't even real. And now, she'd been replaced by yet another.

 _Not replaced. Stephanie isn't a replacement, Maeve. She just came after you._

Caught up at the word 'after'. Sometimes, even all this time later, he still had trouble absorbing the fact that she was gone. She'd been a _presence_ in his life. And he'd seen her as a presence in his future. To be in that future without her, no matter his genius, was anathema to Reid.

 _But I know what you would say. JJ says it, too. That I have to go on. I'm still alive, so I have to live my life. When she says it, it sounds so logical. Like something_ I _should be saying to_ her _. And I know that you're both right. You both know me so well._ Knew _me…._

He _was_ following their advice, these two women who knew him so well. He _was_ trying to live his life. Not only had he gotten involved in mentoring, but he'd been seeing Stephanie for almost six months now.

' _Seeing'. There's an interesting word. Maybe I should put it the way Gary and his friends do. 'Talking to'. That's right, I'm 'talking to' Stephanie. Except that I mean it literally, and the kids…no, I don't even want to go there. I'm going to take them at their word._

He'd been a little perturbed with his friends, at first. JJ and Garcia had put his profile on 'datemybestfrienddotcom', just as Stephanie's friends had done for her. Unlike Stephanie, he'd been kept in the dark about it. When the professional cellist approached him in the park one day, and was instantly recognized by the chess kids, the two adults had gone for coffee. Profiler Reid had made short work of the ruse, but had also been too caught up in investigating the terrorist threat to make a big deal about it. And, besides, Stephanie had been interesting, and kind. And it had impressed Reid that the kids he cared about liked her.

Once the immediate threat of terror had been interrupted, they'd reconnected. Mostly he'd attended her performances, or they'd planned the mentoring program over coffee. But there had also been some long walks, and foreign films, and even a couple of long, lazy dinners. Reid felt more comfortable with Stephanie than he would have thought possible. She was easy to talk to. She _listened_. And she didn't press him. She seemed to know when he needed to hold back, and she let him do so.

He'd told her about Maeve, finally. She'd suspected as much, she'd said.

"I knew you must have had a loss. I could see it in you. I was familiar with the look, after having seen it in the mirror for so long."

She'd been a war widow, of sorts, married to her college sweetheart and left alone before she turned thirty.

"I was glad for my music, then. Well, I'm always glad for it. But especially then. I needed to lose myself in something, after Mark. And music….the orchestra….the travel…it was as good as anything, I guess."

They'd been finishing the night at her apartment, each settled into the far corner of the couch, holding a brandy and studying the other. A modern gas fireplace took the chill from the air.

For Reid, it was the first time he was sharing the loss of Maeve with someone who really understood it, and related to it. His friends had mourned _for_ him but, except for his superiors, they didn't really know how to mourn _with_ him. They hadn't known Maeve, nor their relationship. They could only see that he was hurting, and wish for it to stop. Even JJ, as much as he knew she loved him, hadn't been able to understand the way that Stephanie did.

"I know what you mean," his voice soft, reflective. "At first, I…I think I was kind of paralyzed. But then Morgan asked me about a case, and….." He looked over at Stephanie. "For a while, I wasn't able to think. I know that's something a lot of people go through. But….Steph, my whole life is in my mind. When I couldn't think…I had nothing. It scared me. It was like I was already gone, but my body wouldn't acknowledge it. If there's any such thing as a living hell, I think I was in it. Or limbo, maybe."

She smiled at him, by now familiar with his need to be precise in his vocabulary. Her smile encouraged him to go on.

"But then, Morgan called and….my brain turned back on. It went right back to work, just like that." He snapped his fingers. "And I started to function again. But it wasn't the same. It could never be the same…"

"It shouldn't, Spencer. Not for any of us. We _loved_. Love changes us. Maybe even more than loss."

Whenever Stephanie came up with something like that, Reid flashed on any of a million conversations with JJ. And his mother. _Sometimes I think wisdom is in the X chromosome. And I only got half a dose.  
_

He smiled his appreciation to Stephanie.

"You're right. So, no, it wasn't the same. But I was able to work. I was able to get my mind to focus on the task at hand. So, I thought like you did. Maybe if I immerse myself in work, if I help other people….maybe this crushing sensation in my chest might ease, just a little bit. Maybe I would learn how to move on from grief."

"Did it work?" Earnest curiosity in her voice, as though she was still struggling with her own situation, and still looking for the solution.

A sad smile on his face, he shook his head. "No. The only thing that helped was letting go. Rossi took me aside one time. I thought I'd been hiding things pretty well, but I guess not…"

"Comes from working with a team of profilers, doesn't it?" she teased.

He snorted. "Yeah, well, that's how messed up I was, I completely forgot about that. But Rossi saw me struggling….now that you mention it, I guess everyone else did, too….and he gave me some advice. He told me to go through it. To stop trying to avoid it, stop trying not to feel the grief. To just pass through it."

"And?"

"And it was painful all over again, but I did it. I felt as bad as I ever have in my life, but I started the long, slow climb out of the abyss."

Stephanie took a sip of her brandy. "David Rossi is a wise man."

"He is."

"And I'm sure it helped to have all the rest of your friends so close. I know my friends helped me, even when I tried to push them away."

Reid looked deep into his brandy, and saw a familiar blonde head. "JJ did that for me. She just….she just didn't give up."

Stephanie smiled and leaned forward, her glass in the air. "Here's to JJ. If not for her, we wouldn't have met."

Reid met her in the middle, and they clinked glasses. With their faces in close proximity, Stephanie said it again. "I _am_ grateful that we met."

Reid caught the meaning in her eyes, and returned it. He put his decanter on the coffee table, and placed Stephanie's beside it. Still leaning in to one another, they hesitated for a brief second…and then brought their lips together, and kissed. It wasn't the first time. But it _was_ the only time it hadn't happened in the process of 'goodbye'.

It was gentle, and tentative, and sweet. And so were the several that followed.

Had it not been for the mentoring program, they might have talked about this already. Might have gotten right down to business about what they each were looking for in a relationship, might have already decided if they should let theirs continue.

But the mentoring program gave them a common purpose, and brought them together outside the realm of romance, and so they'd not had to make those kinds of decisions. They'd been able to let things unfold as they would, at whatever pace that meant. And, given both of their professions, and the amount of traveling each of them did, that pace was proving to be glacial. That was fine with Reid, who hadn't been seeking out a relationship at all. Whether it was fine with Stephanie was very much in question.

"Spencer…"

"I….." Almost predictably, his cell sounded a text. He was being called in. "I'm sorry." _And relieved. Maybe I'm not making progress after all._

That had been a month ago. Since then, they'd solved the problem. Settled the issue. Done the deed.

 _Not that I'll ever let Morgan know. He'd enjoy it too much._

Reid had struggled with it, afterward. He'd wanted Maeve to be his first. But that wasn't to be, and he knew she would have been the first to point it out. ' _You can't wait a lifetime for someone who's not coming, Spencer_.'

And still, he struggled with it emotionally. Not physically. But, as much as he liked Stephanie, he wasn't sure he loved her. Wasn't sure at all that he would ever be _in_ love with her. _But_ , he'd reasoned to himself, _maybe that's because I'm getting in the way. I wasn't looking for someone, but maybe I should have been. And the fact that it wasn't my idea doesn't mean it wasn't a good one. It's just…_

Or maybe he'd been treated to too many of the great literary romances in those days when his mother still read to him. Maybe he was 'holding out', looking for something that wasn't even there to be found. So, he'd let his hormones do his thinking for him, and he'd made love with Stephanie.

 _Had sex_ , his brain always corrected him. _More specifically, we had intercourse. And it was…..great. But I don't know that I would call it 'making love'._

Whatever his brain wanted to call it, it had broken some unseen barrier between them, and they were generally more physical with one another. Touchy, as Garcia would say. It took Reid a little while to feel comfortable with it, but he'd gotten there, and now it seemed natural to hold her hand, or put an arm around her shoulder. And still, there was a distance that he didn't know how to explain.

 _Maybe I keep it there. Maybe I'm too reserved. Maybe I need to change. But I don't know how. And, if I'm honest, I don't really want to._

Not that she was asking it of him. Stephanie had her own reserve. Reid couldn't help but wonder if she wasn't feeling some of the same guilt about betraying her husband as he'd felt about betraying Maeve, that first time he and Stephanie had gone for coffee. _Maybe she's not really ready, either._

But, for now, being 'not ready' together was a companionable way to be, and they enjoyed one another's company. But Reid also enjoyed those times when Stephanie was touring with the orchestra, and he could be left to the company of his books. There just hadn't been enough of those times lately.

 _And I'm overdue for a visit with Henry. I had to cancel on him last week because of the tournament. I'll work it out with JJ for the weekend._

Work, Stephanie, the mentoring program, Gary, Henry…..all clamoring for his attention.

 _My life sure went from 'empty' to 'full' in a hurry. Isn't there a happy 'half-a–tank'?_

But the last thing he was going to do was complain about having been shown the purpose he'd been seeking for his life. Not tonight. Not when he could get a few hours of much needed sleep.

 _Maybe I can get up early and read..._


	2. Chapter 2

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 2**

"Hey, Spence."

He was sitting at his desk, turned away from hers. When he didn't respond to her call, JJ tried again.

"Oh Spe—ence." Singsong-y.

When he still didn't turn, she came around the desks that separated them and poked his shoulder from behind.

"Spence...are you okay?"

He'd startled to the poke, and that's when she realized he'd been asleep. At 9 AM.

"Late night?"

He reached for his half-full mug of coffee. "Early morning."

She misunderstood. "What….were we called in? I didn't get a text…oh, God, if I missed it…. I _knew_ that would happen…."

Reid didn't quite understand what all the muttering meant, and he was too tired to try to figure it out. "Relax, JJ. I just meant that I got up early. You didn't miss anything."

She stopped mid-mutter. "Oh. Okay. Good." Relieved, she plopped herself on the edge of his desk. "So what got you up so early today?"

"Reading."

"Reading?"

"I haven't had much time to read lately, and I missed it."

JJ took it in for a few seconds, smiling. _If you only knew, my friend. Try balancing a full time job with having a husband and a first grader._ But she also knew the man before her as well as did anyone on the planet. And she knew he thrived on intellectual stimulation, and withered without it. So JJ sympathized.

"A little busy lately?"

"A little?! I haven't been home for a full night in over two weeks, and that's counting the full week we weren't traveling. I don't know how you do it, JJ."

She ruffled his hair as she hopped off the desk and leaned over the barrier to pick up her own mug. "I don't know how I do it either. Except for caffeine."

Reid decided he'd rather a hot mug than the cold one he was holding, so he got up to join her, and they both made their way to the coffee bay.

"Did you know that it only takes 100 milligrams of caffeine a day to become addicted? That's pretty much what you get from one mug. And did you know that the highest average daily intake of caffeine happens in Finland? Yep, they drink almost twice the amount of caffeine daily as the rest of the world. And did you know…."

"Spence! I haven't even had my first cup yet, all right?"

He was chagrined. "Sorry. So, why did you think you were bound to miss a text?" Apparently he _hadn't_ missed anything.

She poured for both of them, and it was obvious to Reid, as she did, that she was deciding whether or not to be honest with him.

Their deep friendship might have given him license to challenge her….but it also gave him insight. He chose to let her decide.

"It's just been a little hectic lately. Mom's visiting her sister, so my relief valve isn't available. Thank God we were home most of last week."

"Is Henry all right?" Not sure why getting his godson off to school and back would have suddenly become so much more burdensome than before.

She hurried to assure him, knowing how much the two loved one another. "He's fine. It's just that it's the time of year when there are all these little projects that have to be handed in. In first grade! Can you imagine that?"

He couldn't. "I was only in first grade for about a month. I think the teacher might have been afraid to give me a project, not knowing what I'd come up with."

JJ laughed at herself. "I forgot who I was talking to. Well, anyway, there's a science project, and there's a geography project, and…get this….he had to do a book report. But it's not just a report. He has to make a _diorama_ about the book."

Reid squinted sideways at her. "All right, even with my skewed experience…..that seems a little….weird."

She shrugged as they headed back to their desks. "I guess it's to level the playing field a little. You know, for the kids who express themselves better visually."

He postulated as he followed her. "That just means there's a different group who gets to struggle. Wouldn't it make more sense for the kids to choose which way they want to do the report? Then each group would have a chance to excel."

They took seats at their respective desks and carried on the conversation over the low barrier.

"Can you please tell that to Miss Ruth? She seems to think otherwise."

He smiled. "Well….can I help out? Maybe with the science project?"

A look of relief came over her face. "Ooh, that would be wonderful, Spence." Then, realizing she might have imposed, especially considering the start of their conversation, JJ hesitated. "Or…are you sure you have time? I mean…."

"I always have time for my godson. And I'm way overdue for a visit, I think."

She smiled. "You think right. He's been asking about you, but I told him you were just very busy right now." Not mentioning the hint of jealousy from Henry. The little boy was aware of his godfather's mentoring of other children.

"All right. Saturday, then. As long as we're in town."

Which got them both praying for the same thing.

* * *

The morning meeting put the kibosh on Reid's hope for a restful evening at home, but at least he would be back before the weekend.

"The remains of victims six and seven have now been recovered," reported Hotch. "The police believe they're all the work of the same killer. I've been on the phone with our office in Connecticut. They're inclined to agree, but they'd like our opinion as well."

"I read about that," offered Reid. "All of the seven recent victims disappeared since 2003. But there were remains found in the same area in 1995, attributed to a family killing."

"Isn't this that strip mall thing?" asked Kate. "They must not have much open space in Connecticut if two different killers had to hide their bodies behind the same strip mall."

Morgan smiled, as was intended. "I'm guessing that's why they want us to look at the cases?" inquiring of his unit chief. "To make sure they don't have the same person operating in that area for all that time."

JJ blew out air. "That would make it twenty years of killing. Sounds like one of _your_ cases, Rossi."

"Indeed," he agreed. "But several of those cases showed us that serial killing can be a family enterprise." More than once, there had been a second generation involved in the performing the killings.

"The other complicating factor," added Hotch, "is that their identified killer is already in prison, on a manslaughter charge for what might have been the first of the recent set. He's due for release in 2019."

The others nodded their understanding, while JJ voiced it. "So they have to make their cases about the other killings before he's released."

"And we all know how long a process it can be," added Morgan.

Hotch agreed. "That's why I'm sending Reid and Rossi to Connecticut. Go through the case files, talk to the ME. Tell them if they've got their killer. Or if they need to be looking for another one."

"Or two," reminded Kate.

As the meeting broke up, Hotch asked Reid to meet him in his office.

"Uh-oh, Pretty Boy, what did you do now?"

Reid laughed it off. "Nothing I'm willing to share with you."

They all treated it as a joke, but JJ was concerned nonetheless. This wasn't the first time Reid had been in solo conference with Hotch in the past few weeks. And she remembered when it had been she who'd been repeatedly called to his office.

* * *

Hotch was flashing on that time as well, just a few minutes later.

"Well…they can't make me, right? I work for the FBI, not the 'government-at-large'. DHS can't just pluck me out of here."

"No, they can't. But they can put pressure on the FBI to reassign you to the liaison team."

Reid's work in translating and interpreting messages within the terror network had impressed all of the acronymed agencies during the case that had nearly cost him and JJ their lives.

"Is this how it was with JJ? Can they just make me go?"

Hotch looked away, the answer not at all clear to him. "I don't know. It was Strauss then. And it was before she… got healthy. I don't think Matt Cruz would handle things the same way. But I don't know all of the pressures being brought to bear against him."

Reid was pacing. "I know it's a good position. And I know I won't be with the BAU forever. But… I guess I just didn't think that day would come so soon."

Hotch tried to put a positive spin on it. "I'd be remiss if I didn't remind you that you're not completely healthy. This job wouldn't require you to be in the field."

Reid's lungs had been assaulted twice during the case. Once, voluntarily, when he'd allowed himself to be infected with the deadly hantavirus in order to stimulate his production of enough antibodies to transfuse into a desperately ill JJ. And again, when his sensitized lungs had been exposed to the capsaicin in a pepper spray directed at him during the sting operation that would break the local branch of a terrorist network. Following only a few years upon a near-lethal anthrax infection, the two incidents had created some damage to Reid's lungs that had yet to fully heal.

"Kimura thinks there's a good chance I'll get back to one hundred percent. She just hasn't put a timeline on it." Even as he said it, Reid had to wonder if the physician, who had become a good friend, was playing the optimist, for his sake.

Hotch put up both hands in surrender. "It's what I'm hoping for too, Reid. I just want to be sure you're considering all aspects of this."

Reid finally gave up the pacing and sat, looking dejected. "What would _you_ do, Hotch? Really."

Hotch sat as well. "I'd weigh my options. And then I'd weigh the factors on each side of the equation."

Reid's forearms rested on his knees, and his gaze was cast to the ground. "The pros and the cons. But not all of the factors carry equal weight. I'd have to account for that." As though he were working a real equation.

With his eyes turned away, he couldn't see the small smile that appeared for a split second on his superior's face as his resident genius tried to mathematically compute his decision.

Aloud, he counseled, "Only you can decide what is most important in your life, Reid. It _may_ be a matter of weighing the pros and cons. Or it may be that there is a single, non-negotiable factor that will make the matter moot. Something you care about more than you care about the rest. For now, I can put them off, and I can get Matt Cruz to help me keep them at bay for a while. But the decision will have to be made, eventually."

Reid was grateful for the reprieve, however temporary. "Or they'll make it for me, is that it?"

Hotch was practical. "You're right. It is possible they'll work through channels and effect the transfer. But you can also decide to work directly for DHS."

"Or to get out of government service all together." Reid stood and headed for the door. With his hand on the knob, he turned back. "Thanks, Hotch. You didn't have to tell me. And I'm glad you've got my back."

Reid's words prompted the often taciturn unit chief to be more forthcoming. "In case I didn't make it clear…..I value your work with this team. More than that, I value the friendship we've created. I _did_ have to tell you. Because I want to help you fight this."

* * *

 ** _A.N. The CT serial killer case is real, and very current._**


	3. Chapter 3

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 3**

The case being relatively non-urgent, it was mandated that the two agents fly commercial to Connecticut. Even for the one hour duration of the flight, Reid's long legs craved the roominess of the BAU jet.

They'd had plenty of time to review the case files while they waited to board their thrice-delayed flight, grateful that the government had seen fit to get them access to one of the premium waiting suites. Now, on the crowded plane, and unable to discuss confidential material, Reid longed to pull out his book and read. But with Rossi seated right next to him, it seemed rude to do so. He did his best to sit patiently and racked his brain for an opening topic of conversation.

Rossi beat him to it.

"Did you know," his seatmate stated sardonically, "that your fingers are twitching?"

Caught off guard, Reid looked quickly at his hands and then back at Rossi. "Huh?"

"They keep playing with the cover of your messenger bag, there. As though they wanted to open it."

Reid realized he was being played, and offered a sheepish shrug in apology. "I haven't had much time to read lately, and…."

Rossi nodded his understanding. "You miss your books like you do an old friend. Just like I miss my old single malt Macallan."

That brought a smile from Reid. "You miss your scotch? What happened to it?"

Rossi threw back an invisible shot, and Reid laughed. "Why don't you just get more?"

The look on Rossi's face told Reid that his senior was about to dispense some wisdom. "All good things come to those who wait. It's the waiting that makes it taste so good."

Reid had only a half smile for that one. It felt like Rossi was saying something to him. Something that didn't have to do with strong whiskey. But the experienced profiler didn't elaborate. He merely followed his prior statement with a question.

"How are you doing, Spencer?"

It brought back memories of that time after he'd lost Maeve, when Rossi had purposely sought him out, and asked after him, and given him some much needed advice. There hadn't been a preamble to that exchange, just as there hadn't really been one now. Reid realized he'd been under scrutiny, both that time and this, and was immensely grateful for this man who so often treated him as a son. He answered in kind.

"I'm okay. Not one hundred percent, but Kimura says that's to be expected."

This time, the look on Rossi's face was dismissive, as though Reid had responded to the wrong question.

"Forgive me if I've said this before. But you did a very good thing there, Spencer. For the country. For the boys you care about. And for young JJ. I couldn't be more proud if you were my own son."

 _Who would have been right around your age._

Rossi watched as Reid colored with the expected blush. Then he got to the point. "But, what I'm asking is, how are you doing?"

 _Oh. The existential question. Have I gotten past Maeve. Have I moved on with my life._

"I'm doing okay. As I told you, I'm pretty busy, mostly with the mentoring program."

"And….?" Apparently Rossi knew.

Reid threw him a look and then turned his eyes away. "And…..I'm….seeing….someone. And that's going well, too."

Rossi nodded, still studying his younger colleague. "Does she know?"

Reid nodded. "She knows, and she understands. She's been through it herself. She lost her husband in Iraq, four years ago."

Rossi observed, "Shared loss."

Reid thought he caught something in Rossi's voice. "Is that a bad thing?"

"It's neither good nor bad, Spencer. It just…. is."

Even with that, Reid felt like he needed to explain. And then wondered why.

"She's the one who got me involved with the mentoring program. The kids love her. And she's a very talented musician."

"Good to hear. How does Spencer Reid feel about her?"

He was caught completely off guard by the question. He'd become expert at avoiding having his inner self ask it, and had been totally unprepared for it to come from someone else.

"Me? How do _I_ feel about her?"

"Yes." Reid's discomfort wasn't lost on Rossi.

"I… I like her. She's great to talk to, you know, because she understands. She gets it."

Rossi smiled. "Good. I'm glad. Now, another question. Does she get _you_?"

Off kilter again. "Me?"

"Yes, you. Spencer Reid. Does she understand _you_?"

Once upon a time, before they'd gotten to know one another, Reid would have taken that question in a more superficial way. Concretely. But it wasn't 'once upon a time' any more, and he knew what Rossi was asking. Not 'Does she know you're a genius?' Or 'Does she know you drink three gallons of coffee a day?' Or even 'Does she know you're a nerd?' It was deeper than that. Rossi was just a little bit protective of his young friend, and Reid knew it. Rossi wanted to know if Stephanie knew the young genius at his core.

Reid's eyes were all over the place, looking for the answer. Rossi couldn't tell if that was what was making him move his head back and forth, or if Reid's body was providing an answer that his mind wasn't ready to acknowledge.

"I….she….. we're getting to know each other better. But she's a good person, Rossi. That I do know."

"Then that will suffice, for now. For the record, I wish you the best. Whatever that proves to be."

It took a moment for Reid to absorb that, and try to decipher where, exactly, it should be sorted. Not being able to decide, he settled on being non-committal. "Thanks." _I think._

Rossi pulled out his neck pillow and placed it behind his head, advising his younger friend. "I'll leave you to your books, then. Wake me when we land."

Reid envied Rossi the ability to empty his mind enough to sleep. If the genius brain inside his head had been inclined to shut down for a bit at the beginning of their conversation, it had no intention of doing so now.

* * *

They were met at the airport by a representative of the State Police.

"I'm supposed to drive you wherever you need."

Rossi was a little put out. He liked his independence during an investigation. "We're usually provided with the standard vehicle."

Trooper Wysocki shrugged. "I only know what I'm supposed to do. I did hear my lieutenant's end of the conversation. I guess the feebies didn't want to drive all the way up from New Haven to bring the vehicle."

Reid didn't care one way or the other. And he didn't quite get why Rossi did, either. _The only time he's driven in the past eight years was when I was too sick to do it._ He headed for the state police car and obligingly got into the back seat.

"Where to?" asked the trooper.

"Take us to the dump site, then we'll head to the ME." Rossi took charge.

"After that," added Reid, "I'd like to take a look at the original case files." Experience had taught him to look for notes made in the margins. Often, a LEO had an inkling of something, even if he was unable to bring it to fruition. By looking at the margins, Reid had developed a healthy respect for the instincts of law enforcement officers.

"You got it."

Another twenty minutes, and they were pulling in behind a small strip mall in what looked to be a heavily trafficked area. Rossi was curious.

"Was this all here in 1995?" When the 'family murder' had taken place.

"The mall, definitely." Wysocki indicated a large complex close by. "But some of these others are newer. I just don't know _how_ new."

Reid put Garcia to work on it. "We need to know when ground was broken, and if there were any incidents during the laying of the foundation."

The bodies had all been found behind the strip mall, but that didn't mean there weren't additional ones _under_ it. Especially if the killer had actually been killing since the mid 90s.

Wysocki led them into the wooded area behind the retail complex, using a rough paper map to guide them to each of the locations where a body had been found.

"Easier to see now, with the trees still bare. That's why the task force waits until just before spring to dig. Ground isn't frozen, and the vegetation doesn't hide so much."

He was referring to the fact that, while hunters and hikers had found the previously discovered remains, the current victims had been found as the result of a scheduled search. The task force returned to the area periodically, allowing nature to do its work of showing them what human hands had not.

"Let's hope you have your guy," remarked Rossi, acknowledging that the prime suspect was already incarcerated. If not, there would have to be a major acceleration of the pace of the task force.

Then he and Reid spent the rest of the day doing what they'd come to do. They asked the earth, and the victims found there, to tell them a story.

* * *

"Mommy, is Uncle Spence a scientist?" Pronouncing every syllable just so.

She had to think about that one. "Well, he's an expert in a bunch of scientific fields, even if he's not working in them. So, yes, I guess he is."

Henry was thrilled with the confirmation. "Great! I'm gonna have the best science project in the class!"

JJ had that twinge….the one that she supposed every parent had. The one that told her a teachable moment had arrived.

"Uh, little man? This project is supposed to be _yours_. Uncle Spence is just going to help. And, besides, does it matter who has the best one, if you all learn from it?"

Henry looked at his mother as though she'd grown another head. "Sure it does!" Then, anxious to get started, "Why can't he come over tonight?"

"I already told you, he's away. He and your Uncle Dave are consulting on a case. They had to go to Connecticut, remember?"

It was understandable if Henry was confused, because it was so unusual for the team not to all travel together.

"I know where that is! It's next to New York!"

Henry's geography project task had been to trace a map of the US, and name the states. They'd ended up putting it up on the refrigerator, and marking a dot on each area any of the family had visited. It had been Henry's idea, and JJ had gone along. But Will remarked, when Henry couldn't hear him, "Great, we have a map of serial killers on our fridge. Who doesn't need that?"

JJ put the memory from her mind as she responded to Henry. "That's right."

"Well, when is he coming home?" Still not thrilled about waiting until Saturday.

"Don't know, buddy. I talked to him this afternoon. It seems like they got a lot of work done today, so maybe it will be tomorrow or the day after."

Reid and Rossi had visited the dump site for a long while, then gone to speak with the ME. Afterward, they'd gone to several of the sites where the known victims had last been seen. They finished the day by starting in on the case files. JJ had smiled to herself when she heard the hint of excitement in Reid's voice. _Only you, Spence. I'll bet Rossi took one look at the mountain of folders and found a need to make an urgent phone call... or six._

Henry was frustrated at having to wait for his Uncle Spence to finish with the case. "Well, when is Daddy coming home?"

That, she knew. Will was in New Orleans, sent there by DC Metro PD to attend a seminar on fighting urban gun violence. He'd been honest enough to tell JJ he'd volunteered himself for the task. But he'd only told her last week.

"It just came up. But it's been ages, Cher, since I've seen any of my old friends or my family. I was kind of hopin' you could get some time off, and maybe I could bring my _new_ family with me. You know, show you off."

She appreciated the sentiment, but she'd been out of work for weeks after the terrorist attack, and she couldn't burden Hotch with a short-staffed team yet again. And, besides, Henry was in school.

"This is kind of short notice, Will. Maybe this summer. I should be able to get a week, and Henry will be off. Can we plan it for then?"

He'd been conciliatory. "Okay. I'm gonna consider that a promise. Hold you to it."

"The only thing I can promise is that I'll try. You know how it is, Will."

He'd not quite kept the bitterness from his voice. "Yeah, I know. So many serial killers, so little time."

They'd been doing reasonably well for a few months, finding some middle ground. Finding neutrality. But the old resentments were still sitting there, just under the surface. And, every so often, they showed themselves, just as they had in this conversation.

JJ had made herself a promise to work on her relationship, for all of their sakes. So she deliberately chose not to rise to the challenge in Will's remark.

"I promise I'll try. In fact, I'll talk with Hotch about it tomorrow." It would have to suffice.

So Will had flown to New Orleans last weekend, somehow managing to coincide his trip with when Sandy Jareau was also away. JJ had been praying all week that they wouldn't be called away, despite Penelope Garcia's offer to care for Henry whenever necessary.

"Pen, when _we're_ busy, so are you. How can you watch him?"

"Don't you worry, I'll think of something. Maybe Meg can help out."

Both women had laughed at that. Henry had been smitten with the niece Kate Callahan was raising from the first time they'd met.

"Don't tell him, _please_. He'll be praying for me to be called out of town."

Fortunately, it had been _JJ's_ prayers that were answered, and it looked like she'd make it through the full week of Will's absence without having to farm Henry out to someone else. _It's a good thing he has the personality he does_ , thought JJ. _He never seems to mind._

Answering her son, JJ said, "Daddy will be home on Sunday night. He stayed a few extra days so he could visit with some of his cousins."

"Do I have cousins, Mom?"

"Daddy's cousins are your cousins, Henry. Just second, or third…or once removed, or twice removed..something like that."

"Cool! Can we visit them someday?" The child's longing for connection.

JJ smiled as she ruffled her son's hair. "We're planning on trying this summer, when you're not in school."

"Really? Cool!"

JJ watched as an indecipherable look crossed her son's face. Then she understood.

"Mom, can Uncle Spence come with us when we go to visit my cousins?"

"Uncle Spence? Why?"

"Because he doesn't _have_ any cousins. He told me. Only his mom, and she's sick. Can I share my cousins with him?"

JJ swallowed past the lump in her throat. _Thank You for this little angel in my life._

"We'll see."


	4. Chapter 4

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 4**

Reid and Rossi returned from Connecticut on Friday afternoon, the elder agent looking a bit put out about his second commercial plane ride in a week.

"We couldn't even upgrade. Did you know they don't even _have_ first class on these planes?"

Reid was more upbeat about it. "Well, we _did_ get the extra leg room by sitting in the bulkhead. And the flight attendant even gave me an extra bag of peanuts!"

Rossi was still growling. "That was probably just to shut you up about how you would know the plane was leaking air pressure when the soda cans started exploding."

"I didn't say that! I was just pointing out that, in addition to putting on the oxygen mask, they should advise everyone to put their heads down, to avoid flying soda cans."

Kate made no effort to suppress a giggle. "This is entertaining," she whispered to JJ. "We should make them travel commercial together more often."

Laughing, JJ agreed. Then she asked Reid for an update. "What did you finally decide?" They'd spoken a few times, and she was aware which direction they were leaning.

"We think they're _probably_ right. It looks like the early case _was_ intra-familiar. Since the area was less developed at the time, it may have been a pretty convenient dump site. As to the other murders...…there's a lot of commercial activity in the area, and apparently most of it was already there twelve years ago, when most of the victims went missing. There's a large mall, the smaller strip mall, other stores, restaurants…..all of which meant it was heavily trafficked, and made it a good location for a meet up. They think he was supplying them with drugs, and then using his van to be paid with sex, and maybe even for the murders. And there's still this large wooded area between the strip mall and the highway..."

"Perfect place for a dump site," noted Morgan.

Rossi agreed. "It was. And the victims' profiles were all pretty similar...females, mostly prostitutes, with a history of substance addictions."

"Except…." Interjected Reid.

Rossi acknowledged it. "Except for the one male victim."

Reid seized upon it. "That's what makes it 'probably' and not 'definitely'. So far, there was only the one male body retrieived. We don't know how many other victims might be buried in the area, and we can't know for certain that all of the rest are female."

Kate was still trying to sort it all out. "So, they either have one killer who broke pattern, going from female victims to the lone male. Or there's a second unsub?"

"A third," corrected JJ. "They're already up to two, if you count the familial murder."

"They're still checking the two newest finds for DNA matches, and any transferred DNA on what little remained of their clothing. If that matches the perpetrator already in prison, they'll prosecute on those two, and hope they can keep him from ever getting out, even if they can't prove he killed the others," advised Reid.

"And the male victim?" asked Morgan. Even though he hadn't consulted on the case, he was always concerned if there was any possibility of the BAU leaving an unsub out there.

Rossi answered. "They're looking at DNA now. Reid thinks, and I agree with him, that it's probably the same unsub, but that the male was killed because of some sort of dispute, and then buried where the unsub felt comfortable. His remains were found within a few feet of the remains of one of the women."

Hotch had just come downstairs and joined the rest in the bullpen, having already been briefed by Reid and Rossi. He had other news.

"Reid, JJ….your presence is requested at a special joint meeting of the House and Senate committees on Homeland Security on Monday morning."

"What?" JJ reacted. "Haven't we already been through all of it enough?"

Sometimes she felt like it took as great an emotional toll to tell, and retell, the story, as it had taken a physical toll to live through it.

Rossi couldn't help being cynical. "I guess somebody didn't get their fifteen minutes of fame the first six times."

Reid was concerned about JJ. "Hotch….is it mandatory?"

Their unit chief was concerned about _both_ of his young agents, and he'd already attempted to intervene. But he'd been told there wasn't a choice.

"The associate director made it clear that the FBI 'will cooperate fully in all matters related to Homeland Security'...…including unnecessary congressional committee meetings."

The two agents being summoned locked eyes in a message of solidarity, each one to the other.

"All right, then. I guess that's our Monday morning. Right, JJ?" Trying to measure her distress by the change in her features.

She wasn't about to let _anything_ show, and tried to make a joke of it. "I don't know which is worse. Monday morning, all by itself,...spending it with serial killers,... or spending it with Congress."

Morgan didn't have to think twice. "Give me a serial killer, any day." Rewarded with a light chuckle all around.

The team would obviously not be traveling, given the need to be politically correct in responding to the invitation, so Hotch wished them all a pleasant weekend in town, dismissed them for the day. One by one, they began to disperse.

Reid was loading his messenger bag as he watched JJ slowly retrieve her purse from a desk drawer.

"You okay?"

She shook it off. "I'll be fine." Then she changed the subject, in a not-so-subtle attempt to deflect his concern. "What time tomorrow?"

"What time is best? I've blocked out the whole day."

JJ's brows went up. She knew how busy he'd become. "You did?"

"Anything for my best buddy. And, besides, we need to have the best science project."

"You need….." _Maybe it's a male thing. They all want to be the best._ "Okay, then, great. Do you want to come for lunch? Then you guys can have the whole afternoon to work on it. And, if you want, maybe you can stay for dinner, too. Henry would love it."

Reid wasn't quite so sure about this plan. It was true that things had been a bit better among them, but….

"What about Will? Does he have any plans with Henry?" Not wanting to rock the boat, nor the seas on which it floated.

"Will is in New Orleans until Sunday evening. There was a seminar that Metro wanted him to attend, so he decided to add on a few days and do some visiting."

This was the first Reid was hearing that Will was out of town, and had been, all week. And it was out of character for JJ to have failed to mention it before.

 _But maybe not. Considering._

* * *

"Mmm-mm….that was the most delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich I've had in ages." Reid rubbed at his belly.

"I helped Mommy make them, Uncle Spence! I can use a knife now! I put the peanut butter on the bread!"

Seeing a fleeting look of consternation on Reid's face, JJ clarified. "It was a table knife, not a steak knife. Which was a good thing, since he kept trying to lick the peanut butter from it between slices."

The normally germ-aversive Reid would have been sickened by the thought, if the owner of the saliva hadn't been someone he loved without limit or condition. Still….

"Uh, Henry?"

"What, Uncle Spence?"

"Did you know there's a rule about utensils?"

"You…what?"

"Utensils. That's the word for knives, and forks, and spoons."

"You—ten—sills?"

"Right. And the rule is that, once you've put a utensil in your mouth, you can only put it into your _own_ food. Not anybody else's."

"Oh." Seemingly humoring his uncle.

Reid caught it. "Do you understand why?"

"Nope. Why?"

"Germs, my little man. Remember when we talked about germs?" When Henry had resisted washing his hands before dinner.

"Yeah. They're invisible, but they can _get_ you!" He lunged at Reid and pinched his godfather's arm, demonstrating the mode of attack.

It turned into a tickling match that left both of them giggling and begging for mercy. Which left the female adult in the room to remind them both that they had homework.

"Boys….oh bo-oys. Don't you have a science project to do?" Laughing at the sight of Spencer Reid given over to full abandon with his godson.

 _I'm so glad I get to know this side of you. Too bad the others never see it._

Henry would have completely ignored his mother, but Reid was otherwise inclined. He held Henry an arms' length away. "Come on, little man. Your mom is right. We have work to do."

* * *

JJ was aware that Henry was intelligent, that he was probably one of the top students in his class. But even her proud maternal genes were amazed that he was able to concentrate on one subject for a full four hours.

"You guys okay out there?" They'd commandeered her kitchen table, and Reid had shooed JJ away.

"Why don't you go for a run? Bet you haven't had one all week," he'd said. And he knew, from personal experience, that it was never a good thing to be around a Jennifer Jareau who'd been deprived of her daily run. Especially now that she'd gotten back some of her endurance.

She knew it too. Several times this week, she'd been on the verge of taking out her stress on Henry, instead of on the pavement. So JJ had been more than happy to take Reid up on his suggestion. _I thank you, and so does Henry_ , she'd thought. And now she was inclined to take Reid up on the offer of a nap as well. But not before checking in on them.

"We're okay!" They said it in one voice. "But Mommy," continued Henry, "don't look! It's a surprise!"

JJ had already secured Reid's promise to keep the project at a first grade level, so she wasn't worried about them building an _actual_ atomic accelerator on her kitchen table. But she _was_ curious.

"I can't even take a peek?" Standing in the living room, obediently turned away.

"No!" Again, two voices as one.

She knew how to get to them. "Okay, then, I guess I can't make you guys a snack."

 _One, two, three, four…_

"Okay, Mommy! You can come in! Uncle Spence will hide everything!"

 _Do I know my men or do I not?_ "Does that mean I can come in now?"

Spence's voice this time. "Only if you promise not to look under the tablecloth."

She poked her head through the doorway and looked at him, smiling. "I promise." Then made a show of looking at the table, and the tablecloth, with suspicion.

"Mommy!" Henry draped himself over the bulge under the fabric.

She laughed. "All right, I'll be good. So, what will it be? Yogurt? Apples?"

The pair looked at one another, and harmonized once again. "Cookies and milk!"

Considering it was a special occasion, JJ gave in and even joined Reid and Henry in enjoying the sweet treat, all the while casting the occasional glance at the covered pile of …something….on the far end of the table. Once sated, the two males sent her packing.

"Well…all right. But if you guys want dinner, you're going to have to finish up in time for me to make it."

"Don't worry. We're almost done. You'll get the big unveiling after we feast. For now, you can rest, or read, or watch a movie…whatever you want."

That sounded so luxurious to JJ that she decided to take Reid up on it. "Okay. I'll just be in the living room, if you need me."

She settled on the sofa and picked up a book she'd been trying to finish for over a month. Nearly as soon as she did, she felt the heaviness in her eyelids that always seemed to hit her whenever she stopped moving for more than a minute. JJ swung her legs up to stretch them out along the length of the sofa, and laid the open book on her chest.

 _I'll just close my eyes for a minute._

As she drifted off to the sound of the two male voices in the kitchen, the man and the boy, she felt as though she was floating. It was a feeling of contentment that had been eluding her for a very long time.

* * *

"Spence, that was pretty amazing. I can't believe he remembered all of that!"

"Stories do that for us. If we can place something in context, we can remember it. All I had to do was tell him the stories behind the names."

They'd just bid goodnight to an excited, but exhausted, Henry. Ever since the unveiling of the project, he'd been running off the steam pent up by four hours of working on it. Reid might have planned for them to show JJ after dinner, but Henry simply hadn't had the patience for it.

" _Now_ , Uncle Spence! C'mon….please? Can't we?"

Reid chuckled. "Far be it from me. Okay, but we'll have to do it in your room. We need a dark place. You go and bring our mom, and I'll go and close the blinds."

And thus, JJ had been introduced to 'Henry's Guide to the Heavens'.

"We're making outer space, Mom! See, you put the flashlight here, and look up and you can see all the con…. the con…. the stars! That one's Orion!"

They'd used an empty oatmeal container tube to condense the light of a flashlight against a cardboard circle that had been cut out with the shape of the constellation, and were projecting it on the ceiling of Henry's room. Reid switched the cut out at the end of the tube and put another in place.

"That's the Big Dipper! It's called Ursa Major!" Another change, and another exclamation. "That one's Cass-e-o-pee-a."

JJ looked to Reid for confirmation, and was pleasantly surprised when he nodded. "That's amazing, Henry! How do you know all of these?"

"Uncle Spence told me all about them when we were making the cards. They were really cool stories!"

That got JJ's brows up, until Reid assured her. "Don't worry. I gave him the Disney version of mythological history."

JJ laughed. "I hope so. The last thing I need is for Miss Ruth to be calling me and asking why my son's science project is rated PG13."

They went through all ten cards, and Henry impressed both of the adults by remembering the name of each constellation. After a dinner of secretly-vegetable-laden meatloaf and salad, Henry wanted to go through all of them again. This time he even managed to pronounce 'constellation', on the third try.

"It's gonna be the _best_ project, Uncle Spence!"

"Well, it's sure been the most fun one I've ever done. Thanks for letting me help you, Henry."

"No problem." The princeling feeling magnanimous.

"You know what else I'd like to do some day?"

"What?"

"I'd like for us to go to the planetarium. That's what they call it when you project the stars. Today, you made a _little_ planetarium in your bedroom. But your room isn't big enough for us to see all the stars at once. We need to go to a real planetarium for that."

" _All_ the stars? At the same time?!"

"Well, as many as can fit on a dome. If we want to see _all_ of them, we'll have to go some place where it's really, really dark at night, where there are no streetlights or anything." A mental image of himself and Henry and a sky full of stars lodged itself in Reid's brain, and he smiled. "Maybe, when you're older….I think I'd really like to do that with you, Henry."

"Me too, Uncle Spence!" Not wanting to be exclusive, Henry turned to his mother.

"You too, Mommy?"

JJ smiled. "I don't know, buddy. I think this sounds like something a godfather and a godson should do together, just the two of you."

That was all right by Henry. "Just me and you, Uncle Spence. Can we go when I'm seven?" 'Older' being a relative term.

"Maybe a little older than that. But, don't worry. I won't forget."

"Me neither!"

It had taken another hour for his excitement to wane, but the little astronomer was now tucked into his bed and snoring softly, as the adults enjoyed the memory.

"Well, I think he just _might_ have the best project. But I'm mostly excited that he learned so much from it." JJ settled back on the sofa, holding a cup of herbal tea.

"You should have seen him, JJ. He just soaked it all up. Every time we made a new constellation, I told him the story from mythology, and he gave me his own condensed version back. He _got_ them. He understood the ideas, and he learned all of them. He's pretty brilliant, even if I do say so myself."

She smiled, delighted in his delight. "Takes after his godfather, then."

Reid wasn't having it. " _And_ his mom and dad. He's just….he's a great kid."

"That, he is. Thank God."

It reminded Reid. "So, you've been single parenting all week."

"Yeah. I can't really complain about it. Will ends up doing it a lot, if Mom isn't available. I was just worried about us being called out on a case, when neither one of them was in town."

"Hotch would have let you sit one out if you needed to."

She sipped her tea. "That's just the thing. He would have, but after being out so long last fall, I didn't want to ask for more accommodation. That's why I told Will I couldn't go with him."

"I didn't know that you were planning to."

"I wasn't, but he was. There wasn't much notice on the seminar. Not for me, anyway. I don't know when Will found out about it. But he wanted us to go with him, and I told him 'no'. Even if I still had some time coming to me, how could I take Henry out of school?"

Reid tread lightly. "I'm sure Will understands about that, even if he might have been a little disappointed."

JJ sighed. "He was pretty good about it. But only because I agreed to a trip this summer, when Henry's on vacation."

"Sounds like a good compromise."

"Yeah, well…. Henry heard us talking about it, and we told him he has cousins in New Orleans. My side of the family is pretty small, so hearing about cousins on his father's side was pretty exciting for him. Oh, and he wants you to come with us."

 _That_ caught the genius totally off guard. "What?"

She suppressed a laugh at Reid's reaction. "He was so excited about the idea of cousins, and then he remembered that you don't have any, so he wanted to share the experience with you."

Reid was touched….and dismayed. "JJ, I can't…."

"Don't worry. I gave him the standard 'we'll see' answer. It's momspeak for 'I'll disappoint you _later_ '."

Reid was relieved. Although things had improved a bit since the time of the terror incident, the relationship between himself and Will LaMontagne could best be described as cordial, but not friendly. And definitely not the 'share-the-kin' relationship that Henry seemed to imagine.

He changed the subject. "Are you okay about Monday?"

JJ put down her tea and sighed deeply, falling back against the sofa. "I just want to stop talking about it, you know? It was….." She looked at Reid. "There were some things about it that I will remember for the rest of my life. _Good_ things." Reaching over and squeezing his hand. "But there are some….even the times I don't have a specific memory for. It's like…. I don't know….it's like, it was one thing to go through it, one step at a time, not really knowing what was coming next. And it's a completely different thing to take it in…the _whole_ of it…all at once. But that's what happens every time we have to tell the story again. I feel like I get hit with the whole of it, and it's overwhelming. I feel more overwhelmed by it _now_ than I did t _hen_."

He was nodding, understanding. "Because _then,_ you only had to think about the next few minutes. _Now_ , you see the whole picture."

"And, seeing it, I don't know how I survived it. How _either_ of us did. I don't want to sound ungrateful, Spence. You know how I feel about what you did…how I feel about _you_. It's just….. I'd really like to not go through it again."

He rubbed her shoulder. "You've got company there. But it sounds like it's unavoidable. So, let's make a deal. I'll hold _you_ up if you'll hold _me_ up."

She chuckled, as he'd intended. "That's what best friends are for, isn't it? It's a deal."


	5. Chapter 5

**A.N. Thanks to those who have reviewed. I've gotten into the habit of giving a story four chapters to get traction or not. This one was on the fence, but it looks like it's a 'go', at least for a little bit.**

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 5**

"Daddy!" Henry ran down the hall and into Will's arms when he heard the front door open.

"My little man!" Will picked the young boy up to hug him, then put him down and headed into the interior of the house, in search of his wife.

JJ was just pulling the final copy of the title page for Henry's project from the printer.

"Hi!" She greeted Will.

He claimed a kiss first, then replied, "How's my wife?"

"Fine." JJ was pleased to see Will looking more relaxed than he had in a long time. "Looks like it was a good trip. Was it?"

"Great. You forget how good it is to be with family until if happens."

 _That didn't take long._ But, not ready to get into it, JJ deflected. "How was the seminar?"

"Long hours, but some of the talks were good. And I got to talkin' to some FBI agents who were there."

"Oh? Anybody I would know?"

"Don't think so. They've been in the NOLA field office for a long time. Spoke very highly of it."

"Will…."

He backed off, palms up. "Sorry, darlin'. It was a good conference. Let's leave it at that." _For now._

* * *

A few hours later, Henry was down for the night, and his parents were together on the sofa. Over dinner, JJ had relented enough to ask after Will's extended family, and had been torn when Henry seemed excited about tales of fishing and swimming with cousins.

"Can we go, Mom? Can we?"

Despite having agreed to it with Will, JJ couldn't elude a sense of dismay about it. She'd met a few of Will's family when they'd made that one trip with the infant Henry, but she knew there was a huge clan of LaMontagnes awaiting them in New Orleans. Henry might be looking upon it as a great adventure, but his mother most assuredly wasn't.

Even having spent years as a liaison, JJ didn't consider herself to be particularly outgoing. Her early life, and the withdrawal of some of her friends after the death of her sister, had made her slow to warm up to new people in her life. It wasn't just her work schedule that kept JJ from widening her circle of friends. It was her desire to protect herself….and, now, by extension, her family ….from unnecessary hurt.

For the most part, she'd been successful in protecting herself. After all, it hadn't been faulty surveillance that had allowed Spencer Reid to penetrate her defenses. When Reid first arrived to the BAU, he'd been as innocuous a being as she could ever remember meeting, and seemingly defenseless himself. In truth, she'd befriended _him_ more than she'd let _him_ befriend _her_. That she'd later granted him full access to her heart was testimony to her taking his measure and finding it worthy. But she hadn't lost that early wariness, and she hadn't let anyone else get quite so close since then. Except, of course, Henry.

 _Not even you, Will_.

JJ sat beside her husband now, and silently wondered why that was. But she recognized that the distance _did_ exist, and that it had been a part of their relationship since the very beginning. When they'd both been surprised to meet up on a case…a case very close to Will's heart, when his NOPD partner had been killed by someone targeting gays…she'd kept her distance, almost to the very end. It had been her reflex response, her nature, to pretend not to know him any better than the rest, much to his chagrin. In fact, they'd almost broken up over it.

 _Broken up. I remember that. I remember wondering how we could break up, when I wasn't even ready…or willing…to acknowledge that there was an 'us'. But, instead of breaking up, I broke down. I gave in. Decided he was 'worth it'. But….who has to make that kind of decision? Why_ was _it a 'decision'? Why didn't I just_ know _it? Why didn't I just_ feel _it?_

She'd told him she valued her privacy, and the fact that their connection would now become known to her colleagues was viewed, by her, as an invasion of that privacy. And he hadn't wanted to go along with her, hadn't wanted to pretend.

 _Was that a test? Was he testing me, or was I testing him? Which one of us failed?_

In the end, she'd acknowledged the relationship, and been chagrined to learn that each of the others on the team had suspected. Maybe known. She'd been unhappy with that, too. Living a life that was open to one's colleagues was to invite those colleagues to have an opinion on it. And, having been hurt by the opinions of her neighbors and classmates of long ago, it had become integral to JJ's character to avoid having it happen again.

 _And then…..the missed period. The moment of panic. The 'decision' that wasn't really a decision at all. It just wasn't in me to end it. And now….now, I can't imagine a world without Henry. My life, without Henry._

But there _had_ been that _other_ decision. Maybe Will didn't have to know. Maybe, if she just broke it off…..

If she'd just broken it off, they wouldn't be sitting at opposite ends of the couch right now, each unwilling to broach the tender subject. He wanted her to bring Henry to New Orleans this summer, and she didn't want to go. Didn't want to even think about how much energy she would have to expend meeting the whole LaMontagne clan, knowing that each of them would be exerting pressure on her to bring Will's family back to the city where they belonged.

 _And yet. What else can I do? I can't very well ask him to sacrifice so much for me, without giving even this little bit in return. What kind of life will we have together, if I'm not willing to compromise?_

And so, in response to Henry's question, and despite her strongest instincts, JJ had replied to her son.

"We'll go. This summer."

As though he'd been listening to her thoughts, Will broke the silence. "I know it's not your favorite thing, cher, being in a whole crowd of people. But these are family. It's different. You're just not used to it. Trust me, won't you? It'll be fine. And you'll love it."

She knew he only wanted to share with her something that was very important to him. Something that had, in many ways, made him who he was. He wanted her to know that part of him. And she _did_ want to understand her husband better. _God knows, we should have taken care of that before we got married._

For all the times she'd visited New Orleans, she'd only gotten to meet a handful of Will's relatives. _He must have seen it, even then. He sheltered me from the throngs, not wanting to scare me away. But, then, how did you expect me to get to know you?_

But she _did_ know him, well enough. And she knew he would reconnect, and find it difficult to leave. And then want her, and the son they shared together, to live the life he'd lived as a boy.

 _I do love you, Will. But I don't…maybe I'm just selfish….in fact, I know I am. But I don't want to leave my life here, or my job, or all the other people I care about. As much as New Orleans holds your family, Washington DC holds mine, as small as it is. Maybe that's it, after all. The people I love are small in number. But that just makes the love run deeper._

Aloud, she exacted a promise.

"Will….thank you for recognizing that it might be hard for me. But I owe it to you…and I owe it to Henry, to get to know his family. Just, please… can it just be the trip? Can we just consider it a vacation? Nothing more. No pressure."

She watched his features, and could find no artifice in them.

"I promise."

* * *

Reid paced the hallway outside the congressional meeting room, anxious for JJ to arrive. He'd negotiated that they be able to appear together before the panel, but only if they were both present when the chairperson was ready to get started.

 _She'll handle it better if I'm with her._

And it only made sense, anyway. There were parts of the ordeal for which JJ still had no memory. And, in the past, it had been the questioning about those parts that had proven most stressful for her.

 _I don't understand why they need to push her on that. Why can't 'I have no memory' be enough for them? Why do they have to ask her what she's been told about it? Why can't they just ask me?_

Every time JJ had to retell the story of having nearly died a painful respiratory death, and recount the panic of her family, and the very real possibility of Henry having lost his mother…..every time, Reid knew, she'd been overcome. That fact alone would have been bad enough. But, for JJ, the fact of her near-breakdown happening in the public eye, several times over, was even more punishing. Reid resented whichever politician had convened this latest invasion of their privacy.

 _I understand it was terrorism. I understand that they need to know. But why wasn't once enough? Why does she have to go through it, over and over again? It scares her just to remember what she might have lost_.

Reid's cognitive intelligence quotient was significantly higher than his emotional IQ. Which explained why, in all of his conviction that JJ was upset at being forced to remember the accounts of her ordeal, or the near loss of her life, and the potential devastation for her family…..in all of his steadfast conviction about that, he completely dismissed another great burden carried by his best friend. He dismissed her upset at the knowledge of what he'd done for her, and the fact that he'd endured pain and illness….that he'd even, with forethought, risked his life…for her sake. For him, at the time, it had all been a non-decision. He'd weighed the options, and found the solution clear. He loved her. She needed something that only he could provide. Two plus two is four. Of course he would do it.

But JJ was unaccustomed to that kind of selflessness and, each time she recounted it, it overwhelmed her. Each time she recounted it….and the thousands of other times she'd thought about it, even prayed about it….she'd felt unworthy of such unconditional love. More than any other aspect of the story, it was _this_ that always brought her to tears. And Reid didn't understand.

But he _did_ understand that it always upset her, and he couldn't have that. So he'd negotiated their joint testimony, and now he waited anxiously to tell her so.

He was in mid-pace when he heard the familiar boot-falls, and he looked up to see her fast-walking down the hallway.

"Sorry. I had to help Henry bring his project into the classroom. That shouldn't have been a problem, except we couldn't get around the four foot high volcano and the six foot tall rocket ship. Did I thank you enough for not building a particle accelerator?"

He smiled, as much at her words as at the fact of her attempt at humor. It meant she was in fighting spirit.

"When does he find out who won?"

She rolled her eyes. _Men._ "It's first grade, Spence. Nobody wins. Except, maybe, the parents, for getting it over with."

"Oh. Well, here's good news. They agreed we can go in together. That should mean you won't have to talk about anything except what you remember directly. I can tell the rest."

"Really?" Looking like she'd been thrown a lifeline.

"Really." The clerk opened the door and motioned them toward it. "Ready?"

"Ready."

* * *

Forever after, Reid would despise Congressman Lewis. Forever after, he would think of Lewis as the man who was so small-minded, so self-absorbed, that he would force the breakdown of a woman who had done nothing more than serve her country, all for the sake of a sound bite on TV. Forever after, Reid would berate himself for being capable of such hatred. But, there it was.

Lewis and another congressman had been behind the calling of the meeting. Both were in trouble with their constituents, and neither saw an alternative way to bring them around. So they'd jumped on the bandwagon of those calling for an overhaul of the Department of Homeland Security after one of the hierarchy had been found guilty of suborning terrorist activities. It had worked for several others in the last election, why not? But, six months after the fact, the emotional wallop simply wasn't there. Not without an emotional retelling of the tale.

Dr. Spencer Reid had been too glib, too factual. It was true he'd hit upon all of the important points, but he'd simply recounted them as plot lines in a story. Agent Jareau had deferred to him for much of her testimony, pleading a lack of memory that only he could ameliorate. But Spencer Reid's version of Jennifer Jareau's tale was simply too lackluster, too devoid of tension, and so the congressmen had forced her to tell it herself.

Sitting beside JJ, Reid fumed, angry with Congressman Lewis for putting JJ through it once again. He could feel the tension in her, feel the anger and resentment at what she knew would be that inevitable loss of control. As many times as she'd been through it, it still hadn't lost its emotional impact on her, and she knew it.

When he heard her voice falter for the first time, Reid responded reflexively. Without thinking about the fact that it was being live broadcast, without thinking about how many times It might be replayed…..he reached for her hand, under the table.

JJ reached back and clasped his hand tightly as the camera zoomed in on their interwoven digits.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A.N. Thanks to the person who pointed out that the story did not have characters assigned to it. After the same thing happened with my previous story, I double-checked when I submitted the first chapter of this one. But poor Reid and JJ fell away from it anyway. I'll try to keep an eye out for it happening again.**_

 _ **And to the 'guest' who submitted your first ever review: you said what you thought, and why-a writer can't ask for more than that. Thanks to you, and to all who have been sharing your thoughts. You keep me going.**_

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 6**

"I'm sorry." JJ leaned over the divider separating her desk from Reid's.

He'd been lounging back in his chair, twiddling his pencil. At her words, he dropped forward.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because…..you wouldn't have come so close to blowing up at them, if not for me."

She almost immediately regretted having brought it up, because she could see him getting angry all over again.

"Spence…."

He spoke right over her. "They shouldn't have pushed you like that, JJ. It wasn't necessary. It didn't tell them anything they couldn't have known from asking me. Or, more to the point, from reading the transcripts of the prior _six_ times we testified about it."

She tried to take ownership of something she'd rather not have owned. "It's my fault. If I didn't let it get to me…."

"Don't even say that. You have every right to feel the way you feel. You almost died, and you almost left your son without a mother. Who can fault you for caring about that?"

She almost said it to him, then….but she wasn't sure he would believe her. ' _And I almost lost my best friend, who was completely willing to give up his life for mine.'_ That thought, the one that came to her so often in both her waking moments and in her dreams, was every bit as responsible for her loss of control at retelling the story as was her concern over what might have happened to Henry.

 _Because I'm not sure I would have done the same. I'm not sure I_ could _have. What does that make me?_

She'd had, literally, hundreds of internal conversations about it. Why Reid would do it, why she wouldn't, whether it said more about her, or about him. _Am I deficient? Is he saintly?_

For a long time over the past year, she'd contemplated another thought. Is he suicidal? Not actively planning to end his life, but not placing any particular value on it, either. He'd seemed that way to her ever since the loss of Maeve. He'd managed to only truly love one woman in his life, and he'd lost her before they could even explore what their relationship could become. Since then, to JJ, he'd seemed detached, indifferent to living or dying.

But then the terror crisis had befallen them, and he'd placed a _new_ value on his life….. _hers_.

 _I know I should think he's past it, and maybe he is. But, sometimes, I think he only cared about still being alive because it helped him save me._ And she often wondered if he might once again have been headed toward that point of indifference, except for realizing that he might be called upon again, to save someone else.

 _Living your life for other people….is that really a life?_ She'd asked herself that question countless times, almost by reflex, every time she'd had to remember, or retell, the events of a few months ago. And then, immediately afterward, she'd chided herself.

 _Of course it is. Isn't that what I learned in catechism? And yet…Spence got there all on his own. He wasn't raised with any sense of faith, or religion. Or obligation. So, what does that make him? A saint? What does that make me?_

Nearly every time, the latter question ended it. Because she didn't really want to think about what it 'made her'. _Nearly_ every time. But, sometimes, like this time….

 _There's nothing wrong with wanting to live life for myself. Is there? Or, maybe I don't. Maybe I_ did _do that once upon a time. But now I live it for Henry. And for Will….._

And then her conscience would kick in, and she would have to correct herself.

 _No, not if I'm being honest. I make my choices for Henry. And then, if I'm good about it, I think about Will. So, maybe I'm not selfish…entirely. Maybe I'm just not such a good wife._

Which was, of course, something she couldn't bring herself to examine in detail. She couldn't avoid the memories of several difficult conversations she'd had with her husband, but she didn't go out of her way to think about them, either. In large part, JJ reverted to an old strategy. She procrastinated, hoping that time would take care of something that she…or they….couldn't seem to accomplish on their own. She hoped they would grow into the kind of love she'd once dreamed about for her marriage. But that dream had been a vestige of her youth. Maybe she'd romanticized it too much. Maybe marriage really wasn't all it was touted to be. Maybe it was as much work as some of her friends declared.

 _But does it have to be almost_ all _work? Is that what it's like for everyone else?_ She couldn't know that. It seemed as though it was something that an individual could only measure for herself. _Is it too much for me? For us?_

Her parents' marriage had been strong. _Thank God._ It had been strong enough to endure the tragic loss of one daughter, and the social consequences of that event having happened in small town Pennsylvania. She'd often thought that it was the strength of their marriage that had seen her mother through the loss of her father. _As much as she felt the pain of losing him, somehow she still felt connected. That's how deep their love ran._

Inevitably, the idea of love and loss brought her back to Spence, and she'd come full circle. Almost.

 _He's starting to move on, now. He and Stephanie look like they've gotten a lot closer over the past few months. So, I guess that means I don't have to worry about him. Right?_

She'd noticed the external change in their relationship. The ease with which he let her take his hand, and how he would sometimes slide his arm around her shoulder. She'd 'comped' the whole team tickets to several of the orchestra's events, and they'd all gone out afterward. The first time, JJ had been surprised at her own reaction to seeing the new relationship blooming.

 _I'm jealous. Can you believe it? I'm jealous._

Despite the fact that she and Garcia had been responsible for Stephanie and Spence meeting in the first place, and despite the fact that she should have been happy at the apparent success of the venture, JJ could only meet it with a bittersweet smile.

 _This is ridiculous_ , she'd chided herself. _It's what you wanted, isn't it? For him to have someone? For him to be happy?_

But, in truth, she'd been reluctant to give up that role in his life. Not that she had ever been his 'someone'. But she _was_ someone who made him happy, with whom he was comfortable, with whom he shared his deepest thoughts and feelings.

 _I wonder if he talks to_ her _like that. If he tells her what's going on with him, deep inside._

Even as she thought it, JJ knew what would always set her relationship with Spence apart from any other. _He doesn't_ need _to tell me. I already know._

In the moment, she responded to her best friend's comment. "Well….let's just hope that's the last time. I don't think Hotch would take kindly to hearing you'd been arrested for assaulting a congressman.

Reid wasn't ready to give up on the idea. "Are you kidding? He'd probably give me a medal."

* * *

With Stephanie away for a couple of tour dates in the Midwest, and having spent Sunday afternoon in the park with the chess boys, Reid had a blissful Monday evening to himself.

 _Thank God we didn't get called out_. Only he and Rossi had been away from their desks last week, and he was still catching up on the missed case review time.

He'd just feasted on some microwaved leftovers from his visit to JJ and Henry, and was settling in with a book. Although 'settling' wasn't exactly the right word. He couldn't quite remember the last time he'd been this excited to reacquaint himself with some of his favorite literature.

And then...the buzz of his cellphone. He would have loved to let it go to voicemail, but he had to at least look at it first, to make sure they weren't being called in. Reid fished his phone out of his pocket and activated the screen.

JJ. The only other call he would always take.

"Hi. What's up?"

"Hi, Spence. Listen, I'm sorry to disturb you. I know you're probably just opening a book…..am I right?"

He smiled. _Sometimes I'm frightened by how well you know me._

"You're right."

"Oh. Well, I'm sorry, like I said. But I have someone here who really wants to talk to you."

Reid's grin broadened. She could only mean his godson. "It's okay. I've always got time for Henry. Go ahead and put him on."

He heard a shuffling sound, and then, in triple the volume of his mother, a shout. "Hi, Uncle Spence!"

Reid had to hold the phone away from his ear. "Hi, Henry. What's up?"

"We won! We won the science fair! We made the best project, Uncle Spence!"

"We did?"

"Yup. Mr. Simon said it was the best one."

"Who's Mr. Simon?"

"He was the judge!"

"Oh. So, we beat the rocket ship? _And_ the volcano?"

"Yup. And, you know what?"

"What?"

"Miss Ruth said I could be a 'stronomer when I grow up."

"Really."

"Yup. She said I could be a scientist who knows all about the stars!"

"Is that what _you_ want Henry?" Familiar with his godson's penchant for changing his life's vocation on a weekly basis.

"Nah. I wanna be a astronaut! I wanna fly in outer space!"

Reid chuckled, even as he considered it. _Why not?_ "The moon is your oyster, Henry."

"Huh?"

"Nothing, nevermind. So, congratulations, my little man. What's the prize?"

A brief silence, then, "Mommy, what's the prize?" With Henry shouting on the other end, Reid had to move the phone even farther away from his ear.

Reid heard a muffled exchange, and then JJ came back on the line. "He's off. His friend Toby is with us for a couple of hours."

"That's unusual for a school night, isn't it?"

He heard her deep sigh through the phone, and then her whispered response. "I think they're in therapy. She didn't say so, but she asked me if we could take Toby for the evening the next six Mondays in a row. What would you think?"

He really didn't have anything to base a thought process like this on. So he gave a shrug that was invisible to JJ.

"I think I'm the last person who would know about that. But I'll take your word for it."

"Did you know that fifty percent of all marriages in the US end in divorce? That means that at least fifty percent of all children grow up in a single parent household, for at least part of their childhood."

"You're talking to one of them, JJ."

"Oh! Sorry, Spence, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just….. Toby is Henry's age, and I wonder how it will be for him if they don't work things out."

All at once, just like that, he knew she wasn't really worried about Toby. Well, maybe she was. But not _only_ Toby.

 _I thought maybe things were getting better between you two. I thought you were working it out._

He dare not say it aloud. As much as he realized JJ had just given him an opening, he simply couldn't go there with her. Since she'd become serious with Will, since Will had become aware of the friendship shared between them, there'd been an undercurrent. For as many years as it had been going on, Reid still hadn't quite found the word for it. Jealousy? Possessiveness? Competition?

 _Not that. Not competition. You can't compete with someone who's not in the contest with you. Can you?_

Reid knew JJ had to be aware of it, but they'd never spoken of it. For Reid, it had been enough for _him_ to know that there was nothing between himself and his best friend that should inspire her husband's jealousy. But he worried about JJ.

He'd become aware of Will's discontent over his relationship with her, as, he was certain, had JJ. The signs had been subtle, but they'd been there. Will's dropping out of the conversation whenever Reid said something, finding a reason to leave the room when Reid entered it.

At first, Reid had simply thought Will didn't like _him_ , and he'd blamed himself. _I was stupid when we were in New Orleans. He met me at my worst. I didn't respect myself then, why would he?_

For a long time, Reid had owned the distance between himself and the 'other man' in JJ's life. Not that it mattered all that much. The physical distance between DC and NOLA had made it mostly a moot point anyway. But when Will moved to DC to live with his pregnant girlfriend, it began to matter more. Mostly to please JJ, each man had made a concerted effort to find something they might share in common, something to talk about, something to care about. If only that 'something' hadn't been the woman, they might have succeeded.

For a time, it looked like they had. Will even thawed enough toward Spencer to agree to name him as Henry's godfather. There had been 'family' gatherings, and birthday celebrations. Things seemed smooth. Even during JJ's time away from the team, when the visits had been less frequent, they'd still been pleasant.

 _Maybe he was just happy to see so much less of me._

But, then, there _had_ been JJ's return, assisting the team on the case that cost them Emily. That's how Reid still thought of it. _If not for Doyle, if not for that whole thing, she would have still been with us._

That she'd been lost, and then found…..each aspect had taken a toll on the relationship between Reid and JJ…and Will. The young genius had been so lost at the supposed 'death' of his dear friend, and he'd reached out to the only true source of comfort he knew. The only _non-pharmaceutical_ source. He'd reached out to JJ, and she'd reached back, and drawn him in. Reid had become such a frequent presence in the Jareau-LaMontagne household that some of Will's old dislike and resentment had begun to bubble back to the surface.

It might have reached a boil, if not for Emily's abrupt return to the ranks of the living, and the uncloaking of the lie. Reid's world had been completely thrown off its axis. He'd finally learned to place his trust in beautiful women, and they'd betrayed it, once again. Trampled upon it, it seemed, and upon his heart. There had been an immediate and abrupt severing of his relationship with JJ beyond anything having to do with work. He would isolate himself, he'd decided. Life was safer that way. Less painful.

But the separation had brought its own pain, and his resolve hadn't held. Against his prior judgment, he'd allowed himself to be engaged in a 'discussion' with JJ about it. An argument, actually. The first _angry_ one they'd ever had between them. But, argument or not, it was engagement, and it had been the unpleasant first step in each of them realizing how much they needed the other in their lives. Their coming back together had been slow, and tentative….. and incomplete. Neither of them was willing to be the first to strip away that final, thin layer of veneer that remained as meager protection from the other. To do so would be to allow the other all the way back inside, and neither heart could afford it.

Instead, a single-stranded RNA virus had done the work. It had penetrated JJ's defenses. Penetrated _JJ,_ and threatened her life _._ And Reid had broken right through the remnant of his veneer in coming to her rescue. The whole ordeal of being together at the center of a terrorist attack, and all that had come after, had completely closed any distance that remained between them, both physically and emotionally. Reid had, after all, literally given his life's blood to JJ, to save her. And he'd been fully aware that he was saving himself in the process.

The whole thing had been so all-consuming that neither had spent enough time thinking about how Will might be reacting to it. But it had become obvious enough when he'd tried to hide Reid's role in saving her from JJ. Reid knew she'd been angry when she'd learned of her husband's attempt at deception, and he was aware that there had been a confrontation about it. After that….

To Reid, Will had seemed resentful at first, and then resigned. And, to Reid's consternation, so had JJ. He could only watch from a small distance away as his best friend and her husband lived a life of tolerance.

And now she was bringing up the subject of divorce….. _for other people_. But worrying aloud about the effects of it on a boy _just the same age as her son_.

He realized she was waiting for him to say something. So he did. "Take it from the voice of experience, JJ. Kids are resilient. Toby will be okay, as long as he's got his friends and caring adults like you around."

It took a few beats for her to process what he'd said.

"But…. _you_ didn't. How did _you_ do it?"

He had his answer ready. "Nanosprings."

"Nan…what?"

"Nanosprings. The most resilient material in nature. I'm covered with them."

That's when she realized he was kidding her. And deflecting. "Spence…"

"Seriously, JJ. He'll be all right. He has you on his side."

Before she could say anything else, both of the cells sounded a text simultaneously.

"It's from Hotch…"

"So I see. Ugh, he wants us in right away. Will is gonna love this, I'll be leaving him with both of the boys."

"Tell Hotch you can't make it."

"It's my job, Spence. I can't very well tell him I can't do it. I'll see you in a few."

"Okay, you're right. See you in a few."

"Wish me luck telling Will."

"Good luck." _And I wish you didn't need it._


	7. Chapter 7

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 7**

Hotch started in as soon as most of them were gathered. Reid was concerned about the notable absence at the table, but said nothing.

"I'm sorry this couldn't wait until morning, but I was advised that time was of the essence."

"What is it?" Kate's yawn was barely suppressed, her body in protest. It was supposed to be heading to bed at this hour, not setting out in search of a serial killer.

Hurried footsteps from down the hall became louder until JJ rushed into the room, voicing an apology.

"Sorry I'm late."

Reid studied her for signs of upset, but saw only the slight dishevelment of rushed behavior. Not that it looked bad on her.

 _I guess Will took it okay. Or else she just ran out on him._ Not quite sure if he should ask.

Hotch waved away her apology. One couldn't exactly be late when one was called in from home emergently. He came back to Kate's question.

"Earlier this evening, a child died in Lane County, Oregon. This was the third unexpected child death in the county within the past two weeks."

Rossi got down to business. "Cause of death?"

Hotch looked down at the report in his hand, and then around the table, anticipating their response.

"Meningitis."

Glances exchanged all around, until Morgan spoke for the rest of them.

"Okay, I'll bite. Why is this a BAU case? Isn't meningitis an infection? Don't people get that all the time?"

Kate didn't hold back either. "Yeah, why? Are we thinking someone injected something into their spinal fluid?"

"Who would know how to do that?" asked Garcia. "Wouldn't that mean we were looking at some sort of medical professional?"

Reid knew there had to be more to it. "Actually, meningitis is pretty uncommon these days." He turned to their team leader. "Hotch? What kind was it?"

Knowing there were bacterial, and viral, and fungal causes, all of them rare in 2015 America. For it to be a BAU case, there _had_ to be something that indicated the infection was caused by something other than chance.

Hotch acknowledged Reid, and took his cue. "It was pneumococcal meningitis."

JJ and Kate exchanged a quick look with one another, and then both looked to Reid. He may not have been a medical expert, but he _was_ their resident genius. JJ spoke for both of them.

"But there's a vaccine for that, isn't there? Henry got a whole series of them."

"So did Meg," added Kate. "In fact, she had to go in for one more because they improved it or something. Right?"

Reid was about to respond when another voice did so for him, one that was particularly familiar to two of the members of the team. She traveled so lightly that none of them had heard her enter the room.

"It's a strain that's not in the vaccine," said Linda Kimura. " _Either_ vaccine," she added.

They all nodded their reacquaintance while Kimura apologized. "I'm sorry to see you all in such a dire circumstance once again. It seems as though it's my job to be the harbinger of bad news."

Reid smiled at her. "Not always." She'd brought him the best news of his life when she'd reported that his antibodies had saved JJ's life.

She smiled back at him. "No, not always, thank God. But, this time, I'm afraid that's precisely what I have to share with you."

Several of the team flashed back to the first time they'd met Kimura, when she'd announced the anthrax attack to them. Tonight's meeting felt almost exactly like that, except for the absence of Cipro tablets.

Reid encouraged her. "So, this strain isn't in the vaccines? But aren't there a _lot_ of strains like that?"

She nodded. "Dr. Reid is right. There are thirteen strains in the conjugate vaccine, and twenty-three in the polysaccharide version. The thirteen strains in the conjugate vaccine cause over ninety percent of invasive pneumococcal disease. By that, I mean they cause meningitis, septicemia and pneumonia, in particular. The most dangerous forms of the infection."

JJ added, "Henry's doctor said they also cause most of the ear infections kids get. She said she's hardly seen any since they've been giving the vaccine."

Kimura nodded. "That's right. But we still see, from time to time, disease that's not from one of the vaccine-covered strains. We just haven't seen it clustered like this."

Kate had a practical question. "Why don't they just add the other strains to the vaccine….you know, why not prevent _all_ of them, even if you don't see them that often?"

Kimura gave a tolerant half-smile. It was a reasonable question for the uninitiated.

"It takes many years to cultivate each strain purely enough to include it, and then to test the new version of the vaccine. In the interests of getting anything at all done, the most prevalent strains are targeted first."

The BAU's resident genius was reading between Kimura's lines. "So, what makes this a BAU case, and not something for the CDC?"

Kimura's grim nod told them they were at the heart of the matter. "The strain these children died from….. it was man-made. It hasn't been recovered in nature. It was created in a CDC lab, to test new antibiotics against it. We think the strain was taken from the lab, and somehow transmitted to the children."

* * *

Kimura was joining them on their flight west, and Reid wanted to pick her brain about how to go about examining what had happened. But first he had another, quite beautifully housed, brain to pick. He plopped himself in the seat next to JJ at the back of the plane, causing her to look up from the mug of tea she seemed to be examining in great depth.

"Everything okay?"

She hesitated a beat, as though deciding what to say. "Fine."

Once upon a time he would have danced around the topic, but they were past that. Sort of.

"Was Will okay with you having to come in?"

She almost seemed annoyed that he'd asked. He read her reaction without realizing her internal dilemma. Will had made it clear to her that she couldn't be loyal to him and completely open with Spencer Reid at the same time.

"He's used to it. And Toby's father was already on his way to pick him up."

He knew she was covering something, but he couldn't very well confront her on it. And part of being someone's best friend was being there when they needed you. And giving them space, when they didn't.

 _Well, that's not exactly true. It's not like there's any time you don't need your friends. But maybe it's just that you need to give them enough space to figure that out. And make sure they don't get hurt while you're waiting._

Which was not, particularly, his strong suit. Having a genius brain required near constant stimulation. Waiting was antithesis to that.

But he could give her virtual space without putting actual distance between them. Reid stayed in his seat and found another topic of conversation. "So, what was the prize?"

"Huh?"

"The prize. For the science fair? What did Henry win?"

"Oh." Sounding relieved at the change of subject. "You're never gonna believe this, but…it was four tickets to the planetarium show at the National Museum."

Grinning widely, Reid laughed. "It was? That's great! You and Will can take him….and maybe take Toby along, you know…cheer him up, or something."

She was surprised at the suggestion. "Oh, no. You guys won it together, _you_ should take Henry. And, besides, didn't I hear you tell him that you wanted to do that someday?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"No buts. You and Henry are going. It's a good idea to bring Toby….although I didn't pick up on him being upset about anything. I kept waiting for him to say something about where his parents were, or how they weren't getting along, or something, but…"

Reid nodded. "Nothing." He shifted in his seat so he could face her. "Maybe they're good about not letting him hear them argue. Or maybe he realizes something is happening with his family. Sometimes, the actual breaking up isn't the problem. It's what leads up to it that makes kids unhappy."

His words, his position, the earnest look on his face….all of them told her they weren't talking about Toby any longer.

"Is that how it was for you? You know, when your father….left?"

Reid gaze turned to the window and the looming dark that surrounded the jet, but the vision in his head was of the past.

"They'd been fighting for a long time. Most of it didn't make that much sense, because….well, Mom was more and more ill. It's hard to have a good argument with someone who comes back at you with nonsense. But it was loud and unhappy most of the time. As much as it scared me to have him leave, as much as I didn't think I could take care of both of us...the silence was bliss. I actually remember thinking that. The silence was bliss."

For some reason, the word got to her. _Bliss._ That an eleven year old boy would use a word like that, and over something as sad as….. Without warning, JJ teared up, heartbroken at the image of the child-turned-adult her Spence had been. She touched his cheek with tender fingers. "I'm sorry."

He shook himself out of the reverie, squeezing her fingers in thanks. "All I'm saying is that it might be normal for Toby to be okay about it. Well, not normal…but, as you say, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. But half the population of kids aren't in therapy. It's not all acrimonious. People seem to accomplish it without hurting the kids." _Too much, anyway._

JJ wasn't so sure about that. But she also knew Reid's experience had been unique, so she couldn't base her assumptions on what had happened to him.

"Well, anyway. You and Henry should go. And you can take any other two people you'd like."

"Oh. Okay, then. I'll think about it."

He got up to grab some coffee, having intended to go and ask Kimura a few questions. But he got stuck in thinking about the tickets to the planetarium.

 _Maybe we'll take Toby, so Henry can have a friend along. And…JJ? But Will wouldn't like that. Stephanie? But that would feel weird, the two of us out with JJ's son. Kimura? I don't know that she likes astronomy, but I guess it doesn't hurt to ask. Or one of the chess kids? But how do I pick just one, without looking like I'm playing favorites?_

 _Please, please, please, couldn't she have given me a physics problem? Maybe an engineering challenge_?

Social decision-making was such uncertain and treacherous territory to Reid that he longed for familiar ground.

 _Maybe I'll just go and talk with Kimura._

* * *

"So, the strain was man-made, yet it traveled from Atlanta to the Pacific Northwest?"

"Or from DC. That's exactly my quandary, Spencer. I'm being sent to study the new strain and to bring a sample back to the CDC. Well, to the NIH, actually. I work for the CDC, but I do much of my laboratory work in Washington."

"Is this a chain-of-custody type of thing?"

"Exactly!" Enthused that he understood. "I'll collect the sample myself, from the most recent child's body, and then keep it with me until I can deliver it to my lab."

"So, what are you thinking?"

She gave a half-shrug and a shake of her head. "We can't be certain, yet. It's not out of the realm of possibility that the organism has morphed into a 'wild type' that is very similar to the one developed in the lab."

"So, they might just have gotten sick with something that isn't in the vaccine. But it's not likely?"

"It's not likely. It's possible, so we can't dismiss the idea entirely. But it's unlikely to be exactly the same as the one developed in the lab."

"When will you know?"

"Only when I get it back to the lab. There's limited testing I'll be able to do on the west coast."

As they were speaking, the others each moved from their scattered seats and gathered around the physician, motioned there by Hotch.

"Dr. Kimura, please give us your working theory."

She looked at each of them in turn before starting. "As I was just saying to Dr. Reid…..it's possible, but unlikely, that the bacterium has mutated in the wild to become exactly like the strain developed in the lab. So I won't know for certain until I return the sample to Washington, to study it in depth. But the working theory is that someone has obtained the man-made organism, and somehow introduced it into children in Lane County."

Morgan wanted to be sure he understood. "Garcia tells us that Lane County is one of the least vaccinated areas in the USA, mostly because of liberal vaccine refusal policies. Are you saying that these are the unvaccinated kids getting ill?"

Kimura shook her head. "No, that's just the point. Lane County has one of the lowest vaccine compliant records in the country, that's true. But the children who died were all fully up to date on their immunizations. They just weren't protected."

Hotch had more news. "Oregon just passed legislation limiting the rights of parents to refuse vaccines. There are fewer grounds for refusal now. It's possible someone wanted to make a point."

Rossi agreed, but realized it went further than that. "And it looks like they're making their point with material that's only available within the CDC and NIH labs. So we may have an unsub on the loose here. But we've got trouble back in our own river city."


	8. Chapter 8

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 8**

To David Rossi, Lane County, Oregon looked like retirement country. The heavily forested area would, he was certain, host a bountiful collection of streams and small rivers, ideal for fly fishing. It was true that he enjoyed a good duck hunt now and then, but his favorite rural activity was a quiet morning, afternoon or evening….and sometimes all three…..spent trying to outwit an elusive trout or largemouth bass.

"Ah," he said, as he exited the plane, "smell that. _That_ is the smell of leisure."

"Said the ex-retiree." Hotch gave his old friend a one-raised-brow look of amusement. "Put it on your bucket list."

Rossi chuckled. "I don't _have_ a bucket list, old chum. I just go ahead and _do_ everything I want while I'm still healthy enough to enjoy it."

"Hmphh," muttered Kate, as she walked by, "try pulling that off with a thirteen year old at home. Let alone …" Her voice trailed off, the sentence left unfinished.

They were met by a member of the FBI field office in Eugene, along with Lane County Sheriff Taylor. The latter shook hands all around, as he explained his involvement.

"The kids who died came from a couple of different towns, but around here, the police forces are pretty small. They were happy to hand the coordination over to us, with help from the staties."

" _And_ the feds," added SSA Roderick, rather pointedly. The others swallowed their smiles at the thinly veiled antagonism between their federal colleague and the local LEO. They'd been prepared for this ever since Garcia had quizzed them on the Oregon state motto.

"It was adopted in 1987, and it reads, ' _Alis volat propriis'._ Anybody know what that means?"

All eyes had immediately turned to Reid, who'd promptly supplied the answer.

"It's a latin phrase. It means 'she flies with her own wings'."

"Oh, great," Morgan had groaned. He'd been in the Pacific Northwest enough to know that he shouldn't expect too much cooperation from the libertarian locals, but this was the first time he was hearing it officially declared.

"Relax, Morgan," advised JJ. "This is about their children. They're not going to give us a hard time if we can help find out who's hurting their kids." Trying very hard not to remember her own past experience in the same part of the country.

Sheriff Taylor begrudgingly acknowledged SSA Roderick's words.

"And the feds."

Hotch was direct. "We'll need the cooperation of all agencies involved. In a case like this, with the cases presenting so rapidly in succession, time is precious. Do I have your commitment to work cooperatively with one another, and with us?"

The two looked at each other, and then back to Hotch, nodding. Neither of them was about to risk interference with the investigation.

"You have it," acknowledged the sheriff.

"Good." The unit chief got down to business, surprising his agents by changing some of the assignments he'd made on the plane. "Kate and I will come with you to the sheriff's office. Reid, Morgan, you'll start at the county health department to look at their vaccine distribution methods. Rossi, JJ, you'll talk to the Board of Ed." They were hoping to identify any families with strongly anti-vaccine leanings by talking to the school health officials.

Turning back to the sheriff, Hotch asked, "Can we have all of the parents at your office in three hours?"

Taylor nodded. "I'll see to it."

The sheriff went off to get the process started as Hotch turned to his FBI colleague.

"Will you be driving Dr. Kimura to the children's hospital in Portland?"

While the children who'd been infected were from various towns in Lane County, they'd all been transferred to the same hospital for specialty care, before succumbing to their illnesses. Kimura would need to speak with the physicians who'd cared for them, and to the laboratory technicians who'd handled the specimens. Then she would take samples of each, to test them herself back in Washington.

Roderick responded in the negative. "We're a small office, can't spare me for the whole day. But I'll bring the good doctor back with me, and we'll set her up with another vehicle." They'd already brought two SUVs to the airport for the team's use.

Seeing that Hotch didn't look quite satisfied with that plan, but not wanting to divert attention from the important task at hand, Kimura was quick to assure the BAU unit chief.

"It's fine. I think it's pretty much a straight shot up the highway, and I can be there and back by late afternoon."

Kate, suffering the fatigue of a poor overnight on the jet, almost cautioned Kimura about driving in a similar state of exhaustion. But she refrained _._

 _It's probably just me. The rest of them look fresh. Well, relatively, anyway._

* * *

They all conferenced in with their technical analyst as they dispersed to their tasks.

"They must have hired some sixth grader out there who needed a job." Garcia's mumbled words came through Morgan's open speaker phone. "Pretty much every link to the page was broken. How hard can it be to keep a web site up to date?"

For all of the intricate hacking she'd accomplished over the years, the bane of Penelope Garcia's virtual existence was a web page neglected by human hands.

" _Was_?" Reid picked up on the use of the past tense.

"Was, thank God. It started working this afternoon…well, this morning, your time."

"What have you got, Garcia?" Hotch heard the impending rant in her voice, and tried to keep them all on task.

"Right. So, okay, there's good news and there's bad news. And I can't tell which is which, because I'm not quite following how you're looking at it."

"Just give us the news, Penelope. We'll figure out whether or not it's good." Rossi was feeling a bit jet-lagged, and not up to the musings of his favorite tech analyst.

"Well, the good…well, the _news_ is this: Oregon doesn't require that pneumonia vaccine."

"Pneumococcal." Reid couldn't help himself in correcting her. "The vaccine is named after the bacteria it helps prevent infections from."

" _Pneu-mo-coccal,_ then." Garcia tried to keep the annoyance from her voice as she exercised precision in pronunciation. "Anyway, they don't require that one. I dug around some more, and found that thirty-seven states require it for kids in preschool, and thirteen don't. Oregon doesn't."

The information was met with silence from each of the others, as they tried to apply it to their case. Reid completed his analysis first.

"I don't know that that helps us."

"Okay, then, " remarked Garcia, "we'll call that the _bad_ news."

"Explain, please, Reid." Hotch encouraged his genius.

"Well, we already know from Kimura that the type of meningitis the children died from isn't covered by the vaccine anyway. So, if this is purposeful infection by an unsub, as Kimura suspects, he or she wasn't necessarily targeting the vaccinated population. Unless he didn't _know_ that particular vaccine wasn't required."

Kate wasn't sure the information was helpful, either. "So, he's an unsub who didn't do his homework?"

"If that's the case," offered JJ, "he's probably not a parent. Not around here, anyway, or he would know what's required and what's not. Even if he didn't intend for his child to have the vaccine. Maybe especially so."

Garcia had information that might be helpful along that line. "In the states where the vaccine is required, it's only required for preschool and day care programs. They don't seem to track it for older kids."

Reid had already discussed this aspect with Kimura on the plane. "Severe infections with pneumococcal disease are usually seen only in the younger…well, and the much older, geriatric population. And people with certain conditions, like sickle cell disease. It _can_ happen to anyone, but those are the targeted populations."

"Geriatric, you say?" asked Rossi, whose own physician had advised _him_ to think about getting the vaccine soon.

"I've seen it advertised for people over fifty," offered Kate, helpfully.

"Hmphh."

JJ could barely keep the bemusement from her voice. "I don't think you want to see Rossi's face right now, Kate."

"Oops!" The newest profiler covered her smile as she looked over at Hotch, who was making no attempt to hide his.

Reid was too caught up in thinking about the problem to pay attention to the exchange happening over the phone.

"So, we're thinking that the unsub was able to procure a strain of bacteria that isn't covered in a vaccine that covers many similar ones. Maybe he didn't think the lab would be so quick to realize it was an uncovered strain. The obvious hypothesis is that he was trying to make the point that vaccines don't work. Or maybe even…."

Reid's voice had trailed off, a clear sign to the others that the cogs were turning inside the genius brain.

"Reid?" Hotch prodded him.

"What if the unsub is trying to make the point that, _because_ vaccines work, they allow more dangerous strains of bacteria to begin to rise up."

"I don't follow you, _young_ genius." Rossi pinging right back at him. "Maybe you can help an old man out."

It was lost on Reid. "I read about this on the plane. When one virulent strain of organism….whether it's a virus, or bacteria, or fungus, or…."

Morgan's glare got him to move on.

"Right. Well, when the most virulent strains are handled, either by vaccines or by treatment with medications, they start to wane. But that just gets them out of the way, allowing an organism that's maybe less prevalent, or less vigorous, to rise to the surface. What if the unsub understands about that? What if they're trying to make the point that vaccines are dangerous _precisely_ because they work?"

Another generalized silence ensued, as the others tried to follow Reid's logic. As it sunk in, Morgan summed it up for the rest of them.

"So, you're saying that this is either someone who doesn't understand anything about vaccines, or vaccine requirements….someone too lazy, or too stupid to do his homework…..or it could be someone who understands it all, on a sophisticated level."

"Exactly," agreed Reid. "Someone who understands about disease prevalence and natural selection."

"Great." There was no mistaking Rossi's sarcasm this time. "That narrows it down."

 _This_ time, Reid picked up on it. "On top of that, there's no reason to think our unsub is a 'he'. A woman would be just as capable, no matter which profile we use."

* * *

Two hours later, the BAU team met up at the Lane County Sheriff's Office. Reid was still stirring his coffee as he joined the others at the table in a small conference room.

JJ could barely suppress a yawn as she reached for her own cup of caffeine.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I barely slept on the plane. And my body keeps reminding me it's really three hours later than the clock is willing to admit."

Kate, her face creased with exhaustion, agreed. "Right now," she said, "I don't think coffee will cut it for me. With my luck, it would just keep me awake later on. I'm sticking with some nice herbal tea."

Hotch was more sympathetic than Kate realized, but he knew his team had work to do.

"Let's review what we've got from your meetings. The families should be arriving within an hour. Sheriff Taylor has offered the use of their only two offices and their break room, so we can speak with each couple privately."

JJ started them off.

"Rossi and I met with the superintendent of schools, and then with the director of school health. They confirmed what Garcia told us. The pneumococcal vaccine isn't required, so they don't particularly track who's had it and who hasn't. But they said the school nurses have a sense that it tends to be one of the vaccines most often declined by parents."

"And yet, the kids who got sick all _had_ the vaccine," noted Kate.

"That's right," agreed Morgan. "So, if our unsub was trying to make a case about the vaccine not helping to prevent the kids from getting sick, how did he…..or she…..know which kids had received it, and which hadn't?"

Hotch's brow was furrowed as he brought Garcia into the conversation via his cell phone.

"Hello my weary crime fighters. How may I be of service?"

"Stand by, Garcia. We'll have something for you in a minute." Hotch addressed Reid and Morgan next. "How are immunizations tracked? Is there a central registry?" Remembering something like that for Jack, when he was younger.

Morgan nodded. "Yeah. But they have to agree to be entered into it. The health director said that most of the antivaccine families aren't in the registry, because they don't want to get constant reminders that their kids are overdue."

"But," noted Reid, "we only need to look at the records of the kids who got ill. Since they _were_ vaccinated, presumably, they _are_ in the registry."

"Garcia…" It was all Hotch had to say.

"Got it. I'll look for the three names, and see who's accessed their immunization records through the registry."

"Don't leave a footprint, Garcia," cautioned Hotch. "We may need to 'officially' retrieve that information later." For prosecution purposes.

"I'll tiptoe in like a mouse, sir."

Which might be more tricky than it sounded, especially if the legal case ended up centering on whomever had invaded the system to look at the records of the children. It wouldn't do for the FBI to have been among that crowd.

"So, that's only one of the ways the unsub could have accessed the immunization records," pointed out Reid. "There have to be records in the doctor's offices as well…which might be paper, or electronic, or both…."

"And paper school forms," added JJ, who'd had to provide one for Henry as he entered first grade. "I remember that the nurse in the pediatrician's office was complaining about having to fill out a paper form, because they had all electronic records."

They'd been able to hear Garcia clacking away at her keyboard, so they knew she was still on the line. Hotch gave her an additional directive.

"Garcia, the pediatricians' names are in the original case file. If any of their offices are using electronic records…."

"I'll see who's been peeking there as well. Got it, sir."

Rossi wanted to make sure they weren't headed in that most dangerous of all investigative directions….premature closure.

"So, we're thinking it's likely this is being perpetrated by an antivaxxer, trying to make a point. Is there any reason to think the other way? Could this be someone from the other side?"

The look on JJ's face told him she was skeptical. "Someone who wants to _promote_ vaccine use? Why would they do this?"

It didn't take long for Reid to put forth a theory.

"I don't know that this is likely, but…well, we've seen stranger things. What if the unsub wants to scare people into getting kids vaccinated? What if the children dying from something _not_ in the vaccine is just the point? Someone who wanted to promote vaccination could point to it and say, 'see what happens when you don't protect your child', hoping to get other parents to immunize."

Morgan wasn't buying it. "Why would they care what other parents do? Why isn't it enough to have _their_ kid vaccinated?"

All of the parents in the room knew the answer, but it was Reid who explained it.

"It's called 'herd immunity'. Not every vaccine works in every person who receives it, but, if enough people in the population are immunized, the disease just kind of fades into the background. There are fewer people who can come down with it, so there are fewer people to catch it from. It's what children who can't receive vaccines for medical reasons have to rely on."

That lit a bulb inside Kate's head. "If we follow Spencer's reasoning….if it's someone trying to promote vaccination…could it be the parent of a child who really _can't_ receive vaccines?"

They all took a moment to consider the idea, and then Hotch spoke. "Garcia….."

"Got it, sir. Look for kids with medical exemptions."

"Thank you."

The meeting was interrupted by Sheriff Taylor's knock on the door. "The families are all here. I've got them in the three different rooms, as requested."

"All right, thank you." Hotch broke the team into three pairs. All six hearts were heavy as they set out to interview the grieving parents of the lost children.

* * *

Ninety minutes later, Reid looked up as JJ trudged back into the conference room. He'd purposely waited for her to finish, worried that she might over identify with the parents of the recently deceased five year old boy.

 _Even though the child I heard about was a girl, and a couple of years younger, I couldn't get Henry's face out of my mind. I can only imagine how it was for her._

"You okay?" he asked. "You look beat."

She'd headed to the credenza, where there were several carafes of hot liquid.

"I just need a little something to warm me up." She looked around, taking in the otherwise empty room. "Are the others still in there?" She knew Morgan had stepped out to call Garcia.

"No. Hotch is checking in with Roderick, and Rossi took Kate to the hotel."

It was unusual phrasing, and JJ noticed. "T _ook_ her? Was she okay? Was she upset?"

It _had_ been difficult for JJ, because the little boy had not only been close in age to her son, but he'd also been close in appearance. His parents had insisted she and Morgan look at photos of him, several taken just a week before he died.

Reid shrugged. "She looked completely washed out. I don't know if it was upset or jet lag, or both."

JJ joined Reid at the table, holding her mug of chamomile tea with both hands. "Doesn't Hotch want to debrief?"

"He decided it could wait until morning. I think he was a little worried about Kate. And, he's right, the rest of us didn't get enough sleep last night, and our bodies are still on east coast time. We won't help anyone if we're too tired to think."

 _Too late._ JJ, already too tired to think, found herself just staring at Reid, some little part of her mind pondering if his powerful brain _ever_ got too tired to think.

She _did_ have one thought. "I wonder if Henry's still awake." Pulling out her phone.

Reid smiled. "Makes you want to talk to him, doesn't it?"

"I _always_ want to talk to him. But, something like this... it makes it that much harder to be so far away. Because what I _really_ want to do is to just hold him, and never let him go."

Reid nodded. "I felt the same way, and he's not even mine."

A look of admonishment came to JJ's face. "He's your godson, Spence, remember? I _asked_ you to make him yours. I hope you _do_ think of him that way. I'm pretty sure he thinks that way about you."

Reid blushed, caught out. "I do, JJ. I love him with my whole heart. I guess I just didn't feel like it was the right thing to say. Like I don't really have permission, not being his parent..."

His words faded under the look of intense scrutiny on JJ's face.

"You don't really mean that, do you, Spence? No one needs permission to love someone else. You know that, right?"

His genius brain failed him as Reid struggled to find the right words. Or, more to the point, to _cover_ the right words. Because one thing he knew for certain was that he shouldn't speak what he was thinking.

 _I know one person's permission I don't have. Someone who would rather I not love_ anyone _in his family._

He was saved from his linguistic quandary when JJ took his silence as assent, and moved to another topic.

 _Seemingly_ another topic. But, if she was honest with herself...which she wasn't...she was fishing, prompted by that previous topic. Love.

"So, have you spoken with Stephanie tonight?"

Reid looked at his watch, any implication lost on him. "Her concert won't be over for another hour or so."

Suddenly, their attention was drawn to the doorway, which framed a stern-faced Aaron Hotchner. Both of them alerted right away to his expression.

"Hotch, what is it?" asked JJ.

"I just spoke with SSA Roderick, who has been in touch with the children's hospital in Portland."

Reid's body anticipated his superior's next words. His chest clutched, and his breath paused as Hotch reported the rest.

"Linda Kimura is missing."


	9. Chapter 9

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 9**

JJ and Reid were still in stunned silence when Hotch explained.

"Roderick said he'd been waiting for her to return with the vehicle the office loaned her. When she was two hours overdue, he started trying to reach her, without success. So he called Portland."

JJ could barely find her voice. She literally owed her life to Linda Kimura, and to the man sitting across from her. "And?"

"She reportedly left the children's hospital four hours ago, for a return trip that should have taken her no more than two hours. She's not answering her phone, nor the radio in the SUV."

With difficulty, Reid found his voice. "Is her phone _on_? Can they locate her?"

Hotch's expression grew even more grim. "The SUV has a GPS, which is apparently either damaged or has been somehow disabled."

The two more junior agents spoke at the same time, resulting in a somewhat garbled message. But Hotch understood.

"Can we get Garcia to track it?" They'd all had the same idea.

Hotch demonstrated one of the reasons he was a unit chief. "She's already working on it."

Reid knew his quasi-mentor very well. And he was adept at reading the look on his face.

"What aren't you telling us?"

Dread rose in each of the younger agents as Reid's question seemed to deflate Hotch.

"We don't know anything for certain. But Roderick says that, while much of the highway passes through populated areas, there are also long stretches passing through farmland that would be entirely deserted at night. And another stretch that abuts a two thousand acre wildlife refuge."

"So there's probably very little traffic passing by, even if she just broke down." JJ was no longer sleepy. She tried to convince herself that it was only that, a vehicle failure, even if she didn't really believe it.

 _Because her vehicle, and her phone, and the radio would have all had to fail together._

No matter. Even the thought of being stranded alone, in the dark, in an area isolated from human habitation was enough to make the blonde profiler shiver. _But at least it's not the woods._

Reid was already headed for the doorway, cell in hand. "I'm texting the others. We need to get out there."

Hotch put out a hand to stop him. "The Oregon State Police are already looking for her. They know the highway, and we don't. We can work the case from here…..if it even _is_ a case."

They had to remain open to the idea that she'd met with engine trouble, or an 'accidental' accident, and not a 'non-accidental' one.

Reid wasn't having it. "I can't, Hotch. Not after everything she's done for me." He half-turned, nodding his head in JJ's direction. "For _us_."

JJ was with her friend on that. "He's right, Hotch. We need to look for her. I know we may not be as helpful in finding her, but…we need to be part of the search."

Reid could see the rare indecision in his superior's face, and decided to capitalize on it. "Besides…if it _wasn't_ an accident, we're better at thinking like an unsub. OSP might know the highway, but _we'll_ be better at predicting where they might have tried to go after her."

JJ followed up with her own volley. "And we can have Garcia conference us in, so we can brainstorm on the way."

Hotch knew the pair were being driven by emotion, because he shared it. Linda Kimura had saved the lives of people he cared deeply about more than once. Of course the team would do its best to save hers. The only question was how. And, given the arguments Reid and JJ had presented him…..and given his own need to participate….his decision was clear.

"All right. Tell the others to meet us here. I'll call Garcia."

* * *

"God, what, are they afraid to invest in streetlights out here?" Kate was just a bit spooked about the deep darkness ahead of their SUV.

"Said the city girl," remarked Rossi. "But I can relate. Long Island was just as lit up as New York and DC. I'll bet Chicago was too. Right, Derek?"

Morgan was hunched over the wheel, too intent on the road ahead to engage in much extraneous conversation. But he agreed with Kate. _Why can't they put some lights out here?_

Reid's voice came through the phone. "Most states confine the bulk of their street lighting to urban areas and interchanges. It's too expensive to run power lines and poles the length of a rural interstate."

JJ didn't even have to turn around to look at him to know that Reid wasn't really engaged in the conversation. She knew his eyes would be trained to the side of the road, just as hers were. _He probably doesn't even know he's talking. That's how easy it is for him to come up with these little factoids._

Sitting next to JJ, Hotch's posture was as tense as Morgan's. The two SUVs were moving in close succession, all eyes on the opposite side of the road, where Kimura would have been driving on her way back from Children's Hospital.

They had learned at least that much. That she'd made it to the hospital, collected her samples and conducted her interviews with the pediatricians, and then left the building. Garcia had been able to hack into a camera at the exit of the parking garage, and they'd been able to confirm that she'd left it. Or, as Rossi had pointed out, that her _vehicle_ had left it.

At one point along the way, they'd come upon a portion of guard rail that had been crushed, at some time, by something. They'd stopped both vehicles and done their best to explore the area with a combination of flashlights and headlights, but seen nothing. Then Hotch's eyes fell on an object that seemed out of place, and he'd shone his flashlight on it.

"Look. There's a wildflower growing right through the break in the metal." The others looked upon it with a combination of angst and relief. Whatever had happened to crush the guardrail, it had happened a wildflower's lifetime ago. Linda Kimura was still missing. They would have to continue with their search.

With Hotch driving the second SUV, Rossi led the case…or non- case….discussion.

"All right, let's look at what we have, as little as it is." He paused a moment, thinking about what he'd just said. "On second thought, let's make some suppositions. Worst case scenario, we have someone from a government lab who's supplied our unsub with a rare, and lethal, form of bacteria that's a relative to some in a commonly given vaccine," he started.

Morgan corrected him. "We don't know that there are two operatives here. What if the person from the lab _is_ the unsub?"

Hotch spoke up. "Garcia is already running background on the researchers in the lab. But Kimura said she couldn't promise there wasn't another lab…..a more 'covert' one…..working on the same thing."

As desensitized as she should have been, considering her background, JJ was still appalled. "A biological _weapon_? Made by _us_?"

The cynicism in Rossi's voice was evident even over the phone. "And we're supposed to be the good guys."

Reid brought them back on track, intently focused on the task at hand.

"If we're assuming the worst case, then the unsub has found a way to introduce the infection into a bunch of otherwise healthy children, all of them fully vaccinated. And now it looks like he's gone after Kimura. But why?"

"All right, let's think it through," urged Morgan. "We know that she got to the hospital and that she retrieved her samples. But there is still material in the lab at the hospital, right? She didn't take it all, did she?"

At a glance from Hotch, JJ pulled out her phone. From the back seat, Reid kept up the conversation.

"Maybe the unsub _thought_ she had all of it? Whether or not she did, he might not have known."

"Again, why would he care?" asked Rossi. "If he's got a supply coming in from the lab in DC, why would he need to get the sample from her?"

Kate wondered, "What if he can't get any more from DC? What if he realizes they know where it came from, and his supplier has shut down the pipeline?"

"Or maybe he thought it was evidence against him, and he was trying to wipe the slate clean," offered Morgan.

"There may be more to it." JJ had just completed her call. "The lab at the hospital only had samples from the latest victim. They said they'd sent the second victim's samples to the medical examiner's office last week. The first victim's samples had already been disposed of."

"Why?" asked Morgan.

"Because, when the first case happened, they thought it was just a fluke. With the second, they began to be suspicious, so the ME got involved. That's who alerted CDC. Apparently Kimura was already looking into it when the third child died."

Reid's phone was out. "Garcia, see if you can get through to the medical examiner's office in Portland. And we'll need an address."

"Will do." The squelching of Garcia's witticisms was evidence of her awareness of the potentially dire situation.

Hotch, still intently studying the darkened roadway, spoke up.

"Reid, was there some kind of marker on the organism? Something that would have identified the person who developed it?"

Reid's answer was delayed by the time it took him to replay each of his recent conversations with his physician-researcher friend.

"Kimura only said she was suspicious because she _knew_ the government lab was working on the serotype, not because they'd found something specific to link it. Most private or university labs will put some sort of marker on their discoveries, though. That's how they're able to patent them."

Kate was shocked. "You can patent a living thing?"

Reid knew that as well. "Unless it's some naturally occurring thing that you just happen to find, yes, you can patent it. The question is, would someone _want_ to patent a pathogen? Who would buy it?"

Rossi's voice answered. "Someone interested in a biological weapon of mass destruction."

"Terrorism? Again?" Kate was beginning to rethink the wisdom of joining the BAU.

* * *

They moved agonizingly slowly along the highway, torn between not wanting to miss any sign of a wreck along the way, and the increasingly urgent feeling that they needed to get to the Portland ME's office as soon as possible.

"The State Police have already been along here, haven't they?" JJ started to make the argument for abandoning the local search and getting to what seemed to be their ultimate destination.

"They have," agreed Hotch. "But they're also still on active patrol. They only have time to look for the obvious."

Reid was as frustrated as the others. "We need to think like the unsub. If we believe they needed to recover the samples, then they wouldn't have chanced her wrecking her vehicle. They would have disabled it in some way, or maybe overtaken her, and forced her to stop."

"But her vehicle would still have to _be_ somewhere, wouldn't it?" JJ pointed out the obvious. "Unless there's more than one of them. A second person could have moved her car."

Morgan's voice came through the phone. "But where is _she_ , then? Why would they need to do anything to _her_? Unless they think she could identify them."

"Meaning, she knows them already?" asked Kate. "Like, maybe the unsub here in Oregon _is_ someone from the lab in DC?"

That idea didn't still sit well with Rossi. "Our unsub is someone with a message, not an ambition. That's not to say the connection in DC isn't after money or glory. But our unsub is killing children for a reason."

"I agree with Rossi," asserted Morgan. "But that leaves me with the same question. Why hurt Kimura? Why not just take the samples and leave her by the side of the road? They could have taken her phone, and disabled the radio and the GPS…but we'd still have found her by now."

"Maybe she tried to walk to a farmhouse?" proposed Kate. They'd seen lights in the far distance, across acres of planted crops.

"Oh, God, I hope not." JJ pictured their friend, dazed and confused, passed out in a field. "She'd be almost impossible to find."

They kept up their surveillance as they neared Portland. In contrast to its earlier environs, as it approached the city limits, the interstate passed through large swaths of industrial real estate, most minimally illuminated. If they were factories, it seemed they were shut down for the evening.

Rossi looked out the window at one of the areas. "And I hope she's not in there. We've probably passed a hundred different structures. She may as well be in a corn field."

Hotch realized his genius had dropped out of the conversation, and it worried him. The longer they'd gone without sign of Linda Kimura, the longer she'd been out of touch, the more ominous the situation seemed to all of them. But the unit chief knew it would rise most ominous in the mind of his youngest, who had already suffered more real and potential loss than most.

"Reid?"

Hotch knew he'd been right to worry when the young man couldn't seem to find his voice. When it appeared, his turmoil was evident, in both his words and his tone.

"We just need to find her."


	10. Chapter 10

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 10**

By the time they reached their destination, the anxiety levels in both SUVs were astronomical. Garcia had attempted to detour them, too late to save them the extra twenty minutes, to the town of Clackamas, where the office of the State of Oregon's Chief Medical Examiner was located.

"I'm sooo sorry," she'd apologized. "Sheriff Taylor just told me there'd been a jurisdictional dispute between Portland and Lane County, so everything was sent to the state medical examiner instead."

It had been Hotch's decision for them to complete the journey to the Children's Hospital first, and then trace Kimura's probable route from there to Clackamas. Being thorough would cost them additional time, but they couldn't risk the chance that whatever had happened to Linda Kimura, had happened en route between the hospital and the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner.

It was after midnight by the time the caravan was headed back out of Portland.

As they entered the town of Clackamas, the occupants of both SUVs were on high alert. Garcia's sleuthing had told them that Dr. Andrea Archer, Chief Medical Examiner for the State of Oregon, had failed to show for a dinner date, and wasn't answering either her cell or office phones. It was looking increasingly like the confrontation had taken place at their current destination.

Hotch prepared his team. "The OSP will meet us there, and will be able to give us access. JJ, Reid, if Kimura's vehicle is present, you'll cover it. Morgan, Rossi, Kate, you'll search the building." As was his usual, Hotch held himself in reserve, to go where he was most needed.

Moments later, they entered the parking lot, sirens silenced, lights dark. The OSP apparently had yet to arrive. But that didn't stop the BAU from beginning to enact their plan. There were only two non-service vehicles in the parking lot. And one of them was the SUV Linda Kimura had been driving.

JJ and Reid exited their vehicle silently and ran, crouching, to the SUV. At a signal from Reid, they simultaneously pulled at doors on opposite sides of the vehicle. Neither opened, indicating that the SUV was locked.

"I don't think she ever came back outside," Reid whispered to JJ.

But he took out his flashlight and did his best to survey the inside of the vehicle anyway. As best either of them could tell, there were no signs of disarray, or struggle. They moved on to the other vehicle, presumably that of the medical examiner, only to discover similar findings. Reid waved an 'all clear' to Hotch just as the OSP made its own silent arrival to the parking lot, and he and JJ made their way over to join the others.

Trooper Washburn of the OSP made short work of identifying who was in charge. He convened briefly with Hotch and then the two divided their teams to approach both the front door and the oversized garage-style service door used by hearses and the coroner's van. The BAU opted for the front, having deduced that Kimura and Archer had probably been approached while they were still meeting. If not, Kimura would most likely have been taken at her vehicle.

Washburn gave Hotch a master key to the building, and the BAU made its way to the main entrance. Under cover of Morgan's gun trained on the door, Kate turned the key in the lock and pulled the handle. The rest of the team filed past her, until Morgan waved her forward. He would bring up the rear.

The building was in near-darkness, most of the hallways lit only by the exit signs hanging at either end. They'd been told that, in sharp contrast to the urban areas most of them were familiar with, most nights, only the receiving bay in the back was staffed, and then only on-call. It wasn't unusual for the building to be nearly deserted at this hour. _Nearly_ deserted. That was the hope of each member of the search party.

Slowly, the team crept forward, clearing a succession of offices. Eventually, they came to a junction with signage that indicated the chief medical examiner's office was to the left, and the labs to the right. Following a hunch, Reid signaled to Hotch that he would cover the office. Hotch nodded, sending Morgan along with the younger man. The rest of the team headed toward the several laboratories that lined the hallway to the right.

There were several more offices to clear before they reached that of the Chief Medical Examiner, and Morgan and Reid alternated doing so. Finally, they were at the large corner office at the end of the hallway. Morgan silently directed Reid to stand back while he opened the door. The BAU's youngest would then proceed into the office space ahead of his senior partner.

Reid felt the tension in his neck and shoulders ratchet up another notch as he moved past Morgan. For the past several hours, he'd been walking an emotional tightrope between wanting to find Kimura and dreading what state she would be in if and when he did so. Every instinct he had told him he was about to find out.

He crept silently past Morgan, arms outstretched, his left hand steadying his right, ready to take the shot that might be necessary to save their lives. The thin red exit light of the hallway gave way to the reflected light of the streetlamps in the parking lot, and Reid let his eyes adjust before moving forward. When he was ready, he extended his right leg…and felt his foot collide with something soft, lying in front of a large oaken-carved desk. Immediately, Reid looked down upon a figure clothed in a white lab coat.

 _Dr. Archer!_

The contact with his foot elicited a reflex contraction of muscle from the form on the floor, alerting Reid that the ME was still alive. He could only hope the same was true of Linda Kimura. As he proceeded cautiously forward, Reid sensed Morgan's movement behind him, then heard his friend whisper.

"There….in front of the bookshelf.."

Reid looked to his left, and suddenly had to fight for breath. It seemed as though his entire body had hit a 'pause' button. On the floor, next to a floor-to-ceiling set of shelves, lay the still, impossibly small, figure of Linda Kimura.

Reid's instinct was to rush to her, but his training held him back. He and Morgan continued through the office and into a small conference area off to the right, all visibly empty. That left only the private lavatory, whose door was closed. Morgan signaled for Reid to turn the knob, and positioned himself to rush through the doorway. On 'three', they carried out their plan, Morgan flooding the small bathroom with his flashlight. It was empty.

Immediately Reid holstered his gun and ran to Kimura, while Morgan saw to Dr. Archer. The younger man raised shaking fingers to his friend's neck and was relieved when he felt a strong carotid pulse. And then frightened when Morgan turned on the office light, and he could see blood pooling under Kimura's head.

"Archer is alive, but unconscious. How is Kimura?" asked Morgan.

Reid's words were clipped. "The same. Morgan, help me. She's bleeding and I need to see how bad it is. Hold her neck steady for me."

Derek Morgan had long since learned to obey his younger colleague in all matters medical, and he did so now. With care, he wrapped his fingers around the back of Kimura's neck and served as a human cervical collar while Reid inspected her occiput.

"She's got a pretty deep laceration, but it doesn't look like her skull is depressed, thank God."

Morgan wasn't fully sure he understood what it meant. "So….a concussion? No skull fracture?"

Reid shook his head. "It could still be fractured. It's just not pressing on her brain."

Morgan had a better view of the rest of Kimura's body, and surveyed it for injury. "She's got a little blood here, on her sleeve, but it might be spatter."

Reid reacted immediately, pushing up the cashmere sweater sleeve. "Might be. But I don't think so. Look."

As they both watched, a new droplet of blood appeared where the one on the sleeve would have been. She was actively bleeding from something.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, JJ stood next to Reid as they watched the two physicians being loaded into the back of an ambulance.

"She'll be okay, won't she, Spence?" Concerned that Kimura had not yet regained consciousness.

"She has to be. It doesn't make sense that she would lose her life like this. Not when she has so much more to give."

He couldn't help flashing on _another_ life cut down in its prime, the life of another young woman who'd still had so much more to give. In fact, he was having trouble thinking about anything else.

JJ turned and studied his expression, which ably articulated all the things he hadn't said. She wasn't surprised, because her thoughts had gone in the same direction. She moved closer to him and rubbed his back in support.

"Then she will be." _Because, you're right. She_ has _to_. "Come on, let's finish up here so we can get to the hospital. We wouldn't want her to wake up to a room full of strangers."

 _As long as she wakes up, I don't care who's there._ Aloud, Reid went along with his best friend.

"You're right. Let's get going."

Once the two teams had agreed that their unsub had left the grounds, Hotch had gotten Garcia to track down and roust the second-in-command for the ME's office. They needed someone to help them recognize anything out of place, anything that might tell them where the unsub had moved about the building. And they needed to interpret the significance of that movement. As JJ and Reid rejoined the others, Trooper Washburn was escorting another female down the hallway.

"This is Dr. Waring. She's the associate chief medical examiner." The OSP member made the introduction, and Hotch introduced the members of his team.

"We need to know where the un…where the person who did this might have gone in the lab. We think he wanted to take samples of blood and spinal fluid from the patients who died at Children's."

"The ones who died of meningitis," clarified Reid.

Dr. Waring looked shaken, and she was. Not so much by being wakened after midnight…..that went with the job….but by having seen the ambulance pulling out of her workplace parking lot. The ambulance carrying her unconscious, seriously injured superior and friend.

"I…." she began. But she was clearly struggling to get her thoughts organized. Kate read her behavior and verbally stepped in.

"I'm sure you want to see about Dr. Archer. We also have a colleague injured in the attack. If you could just maybe help us out here, we can all be on our way to the hospital. I'm sure Dr. Archer would appreciate your being there."

She'd given the associate chief medical examiner the space of time to collect herself….which wasn't lost on Dr. Waring. She cast Kate a grateful look and then proceeded the group down the hallway to the biologicals lab, speaking over her shoulder.

"Of course. I'm sorry. It's just so unexpected. I mean, we get family members who are upset, as you might imagine. And sometimes they aim their anger in the wrong direction. But we've never even suffered the _threat_ of a physical assault."

Hotch had put on his public persona. "I'm sure it comes as a great shock. But we appreciate that you are willing to help us."

They'd reached the lab, where Dr. Waring pulled a set of keys from her pocket, and opened the door. She turned as the others followed her through it.

"I _do_ want to help you. I want to help those poor families, who lost their children so unnecessarily. But, truthfully, I mostly want to find who did this to Andrea. She's got three kids herself!"

"We'll do everything we can, ma'am." Morgan tried to sound optimistic.

Waring had moved directly to a computer terminal, where she logged in with a password, and pulled up several files. She used old-fashioned paper and pencil to record case numbers, and then set about looking for the corresponding specimens in the lab, looking both in a refrigerated unit and in one that seemed to be an incubator. The team's hopes were slowly dashed as Waring went back to the fridge, and then back to the incubator. She rose from the latter, shaking her head.

"I don't see anything. I'm sorry. They're all gone." Then a thought seemed to occur to her, and she moved rapidly across the lab to where several microscopes were set up. She looked through each in succession, and ended up once again by shaking her head.

"I'm sorry. I hoped maybe…. But these are samples of animal tissue. A young teenager was mauled last week, by a mountain lion, sadly enough. The beast left its own evidence behind."

That brought shivers all around, but none had time to dwell on the gruesome image Waring's words had brought.

"Is there anywhere else there might be a sample?" Reid was determined that Kimura wouldn't have been so gravely injured in vain. He wanted to be sure they'd uncovered every possibility before leaving the scene to the evidence team.

Waring shook her head. "I'm sorry, Dr. Reid. We can ask the hospital if they have anything, but it seems like the person who attacked Dr. Archer and Dr. Kimura took everything we held here."

They already knew that the hospital had samples only from the most recent victim. If there was a case to be made about a serial killer, no matter the motivation, they would need to provide solid evidence of a second, and third, case.

Hotch didn't see the need to go through all of that with Dr. Waring. He stepped away to converse with Trooper Washburn, to guide the collection of evidence in the lab and in Dr. Archer's office, and the spaces in between. Then he returned to where his team was still huddled just outside the lab.

"The state will handle the scene. They've agreed to let SSA Roderick assign an agent as liaison. We'll head over to the hospital now."

* * *

It seemed like forever, just like it had seemed when he'd been waiting for word about JJ. But, this time, there was no friendly physician stopping in to check on the 'worried waiters' now and again. Because the person who'd done that for Reid, when it was JJ's life hanging in the balance, was the one whose life might be in jeopardy now.

"But, can't you give us _anything_? Is she awake? In surgery? _Anything_?" he'd pleaded.

At first, the hospital had been closed-mouthed, citing privacy laws. The fact that the patient was unconscious, without the ability to either grant or deny permission for information to be disclosed, didn't obviate their obligation to be discrete. They would seek out next-of-kin and ask for permission from them.

But then Hotch put on the voice that none of the team ever wanted to hear launched in their own direction. He used it to remind the hospital administrator that Kimura was the victim of a crime, one that the FBI was now investigating, in conjunction with the Oregon State Police. Information _could_ be shared with his team, and it _would_ be.

Reid and JJ were too worried to enjoy the moment, but the others had to suppress smiles. Rossi considered how proud Gideon would be of the man to whom he'd bequeathed their team.

Their access to information conceded, the team members were still stymied by the medical condition of their friend. It would be some time before any of them were granted permission to see her. But they had learned that her CT scan showed no brain injury, although she _had_ sustained a hairline skull fracture, as Reid had feared.

"I didn't even know." He'd said it so softly that JJ, seated next to Reid on a short bench, wasn't sure it was meant to be heard. But she knew how troubled he was, and wanted to help.

"What didn't you know?"

He was leaning forward, forearms on his thighs, and turned his head sideways to look at her. "What?"

Apparently he _hadn't_ been speaking to her. But JJ pursued it anyway. "You said you didn't even know. What were you talking about?"

He turned his head forward again, looking through the window to the night sky. "I didn't even know who her next of kin was. I didn't even know she _had_ a sister, let alone that she lives in San Francisco."

"I didn't either, Spence."

"I know, but…. we've spent time together, working on the mentoring program. And I spent a _lot_ of time with her in the hospital. And, somehow, I've never even asked her about her family."

JJ was so accustomed to Reid's reserved nature that she barely noticed it any more. Especially because it didn't extend to his relationship with _her_. But, that _he_ was becoming aware of it… _.that_ marked a sea change in how he saw himself in relation to the world and the people who shared it with him.

 _Wow._

Aloud, she tried to console him. "I'm not surprised it didn't come up in the hospital. You two were a little….busy, right? And the same with the mentoring program. You're both focused on the kids. That's as it should be."

He wasn't having it. "But what kind of friend does that make me, JJ?"

She sat back, brows up, barely suppressing a snort. "You're asking _me_ if you're a good friend? Come on, Spence. Don't be so hard on yourself."

He gave her his lopsided smile. "It's different between us. We're…..us."

She smiled, and impulsively gave him a peck on the cheek. "C'mon, 'us'. Let's find some coffee."

* * *

Two and a half cups of watery caffeine later, Reid was following a nurse down the hall. Linda Kimura was awake, out of danger, and asking for him. Still, Reid had held back until Hotch appointed him the designated team representative.

"See what she remembers. If she's amnesiac, give it time. Best not to try a cognitive interview until she's more recovered."

Reid nodded, fully in agreement with his unit chief. Kimura had suffered a significant concussion. The less stress on her brain, the better her chances for a full recovery.

The nurse stopped at a doorway on the left side of the hallway, and indicated that Reid should go in. He knocked softly on the open door jamb and smiled when he saw his friend sitting upright in the bed.

"Hi. You look nice."

He was relieved when his words brought a smile. It had become a bit of an inside joke between them, the words he'd first spoken to her when he'd seen her in her hazmat suit, after his anthrax exposure. That she reacted told him she was still in there, intact.

"Thanks. You, on the other hand, look exhausted."

"I've been up all night. At least you got a nap."

She started to giggle, but then winced, putting her hand to the back of her head.

"Ouch. Don't make me do that again, please."

He was instantly contrite. "I'm sorry. I promise not to be funny."

She smiled, and winced again. "I think you should just not be funny. Telling me makes me laugh."

He smiled at her humor, his brown eyes warm, and grateful.

"I'm so glad you're all right. How do you feel?"

She smiled back. "Terrible. But it sounds like there's no major damage. Just my head."

"And your arm."

She was puzzled. "My arm?"

"Yes. You were bleeding from your left arm…right about here." He indicated the spot on his own arm.

Kimura pushed up the flimsy sleeve of her hospital gown to look at her left upper arm. She saw a small spot of blood, and used her right hand to rub it away. Once it was gone, she gasped.

"Oh, my God."

Reid was immediately alarmed. "What?"

"It looks like an injection site!"


	11. Chapter 11

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 11**

Andrea Archer had more memory of the attack than did Linda Kimura. Kimura had been the first to be knocked out.

"The person was wearing a cap and a ski mask. Honestly, apart from knowing they were taller than I am, I can't be sure if it was a male or a female. I was bent over, getting ready to pull my purse from my desk drawer, and I heard kind of a grunt. When I looked up, Dr. Kimura was falling to the floor. I didn't see our assailant right away, and started around the desk. By the time I realized there was someone behind Dr. Kimura, it was too late…I was already too close to them."

She'd been struck on the side of the head, and they'd been told that it was providential she hadn't suffered a significant skull fracture, with bleeding on the brain.

"I don't understand," said JJ. "I thought you said the unsub was tall. How was it you didn't see him….or her…behind Kimura?"

Archer started to shake her head in a gesture of 'I don't know', but it was obviously too painful. Instead, she let her shrugging shoulders do the talking.

"I don't quite remember. But I'm guessing they were crouched down behind her. I'm sorry. That's the best I can do. It's the last thing I remember, until here. I'm sorry."

She'd been told that they'd found an injection site on her, as well. And that they suspected both physicians had been inoculated with the laboratory-engineered strain of pneumococcus. Given her circumstance, JJ had been impressed that the medical examiner was able to focus enough to answer their questions.

"You've been very helpful," said Hotch. "Thanks to you, we know how the unsub gained access to the building, and that he must have left the same way. That narrows our search for evidence."

Not mentioning that the cap, ski mask and gloves would minimize said evidence, perhaps down to nothing. But Dr. Archer had been able to deduce that the unsub could only have gained access to the building through the public front entrance. The receiving bay doors were fit with an audible alert, so that transport vehicles could be met, and assistance given with the movement of their once precious cargo.

"I would have heard it. I'm always tuned in to listen for it, whenever I'm in the building, because I know it means I'll need to triage the remains, perhaps even stay to oversee an emergency autopsy. There's no way they could have come in through there. But it would have been easy to walk in the front door, looking like a family member, and hide out in a bathroom until the office closed."

"What about getting out again?" asked JJ.

"The doors aren't locked from the inside. Only the vault is locked, where the remains are kept."

"All right, thank you, Dr. Archer. We'll be back if we think of anything more we need to ask you." Hotch motioned to JJ with his eyes, and the two of them took their leave.

"Call Morgan and let him know."

Hotch had sent one member of his team back to the ME's office to review video of the parking area and front entrance, hoping to catch a glimpse of their unsub and gain some insight from their method of movement.

"Okay. Then?"

Hotch looked as tired as JJ felt. "Then join the rest of us in Kimura's room." Before he walked away, Hotch had one more task to assign. "And call Garcia. Have her find us someplace nearby to get some rest. We're all sleep-deprived at this point. That won't help anyone."

 _Amen to that_ , thought JJ, as she walked away. _But who can sleep_

* * *

Hotch was silent as he entered Kimura's room, respectful of the conversation that was taking place over the speaker of Reid's cellphone.

"So, are you saying we should wait, or should they take prophylaxis?" Reid frowned at Kimura as they both listened for the answer.

It came through in a female voice. "I'm saying we're not sure it will work, but prophylaxis against pneumococcus is helpful in certain subsets of patients."

Kimura explained to the BAU members surrounding her hospital bed. "It's helpful in patients who have trouble fighting infections, especially those who no longer have a spleen. That's because most pneumococcal strains are susceptible to penicillin."

"But this one isn't?" For Rossi, most of the conversation may as well have been in another language, but he understood _this_ concept.

"It _is_ ," explained Kimura. "But it also seems to have a predilection for getting to the CNS tissue." Correcting herself once the expression on Rossi's face told her she'd slipped into jargon. "For the brain and spinal cord. It's part of how it was engineered. It can cause other types of infections, but it seems to bond with the central nervous system the best."

Hotch spoke up this time, announcing his presence to the others. "Does that somehow impact on the efficacy of prophylaxis?"

Rossi threw his old friend a look. As an author, he was proud of his vocabulary, and didn't mind the use of multi-syllabic words. He just liked them to be in English.

Kimura fielded this question as well. "Yes…..and no. The sensitivities of the organisms from the children who died weren't unusual, just the predilection for the bacteria to cause meningitis rather than another form of pneumococcal infection. So a form of penicillin would be the right drug to use. But taking it by mouth doesn't quite raise the blood level enough to get a significant amount of it to cross into the CNS. That would require IV prophylaxis."

Rossi was about to ask for a translation when Reid spontaneously supplied one.

"So, you're saying that most cases of infection, even meningitis, start in the blood. If you can control the bacteria in the blood, you can prevent the meningitis. But this one goes too quickly to the brain?"

"Maybe," clarified Kimura. "Or maybe it just bonds better. It must interact with brain cell receptors better than most forms of it do."

If the subject matter hadn't been so serious, Hotch would have laughed at the sight of Rossi's head moving back and forth from Kimura to Reid, as though watching a tennis match. It moved again now, in Reid's direction.

"So, it wouldn't be enough to get a blood level of penicillin, we'd need to get you a significant level in your spinal fluid," concluded the young genius.

"Exactly." Kimura and the voice on the phone spoke at the same time, with the telephonic voice continuing.

"That's why I was telling Linda that I think she should have a port implanted, and we can keep her on IV prophylaxis for as long as it takes to figure this whole thing out."

JJ had entered the room without making a sound, and now stood next to the equally silent Kate Callahan.

"If it will keep you from getting sick, Dr. Kimura, I'm for that as well," she opined.

Reid smiled at his physician friend. "Make that three."

Kimura sighed. A port had its own risks. But if having one implanted would free her to do the work she needed to do, she would go along.

"All right."

* * *

"I'm sorry, it was the best I could do," apologized Garcia. "Three rooms at the Motel 6. None of the rest would let you check in at 6 AM."

"Doesn't matter to me," yawned Kate. "As long as it's got a mattress, I don't care if it's Camp Canoe. I'm exhausted."

Twenty minutes later, the weary BAU team divided into their two SUVs and drove the short distance to the motel. The three with children at home lingered outside long enough to call them, as it was just pre-school time in DC. Rossi headed to the room he would share with Hotch, while Morgan eyed Reid, who seemed to be in no hurry to get to their shared room.

"You got a call to make, Pretty Boy?"

Reid had been staring out the window, but was startled into response. "Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess I should call Stephanie. She should be up by now."

Morgan smiled at the fact of his 'little brother' finally having entered into the land of traditional romance.

"Okay, well you make that call, then. I've got my own lady to talk to." He wiggled his phone at Reid, indicating his intention to call Savannah once he got to their room.

"Go ahead. I'll be along. Make sure you don't use up all the towels." It wasn't the first time they'd shared a room.

"Hah!"

Reid found Stephanie's number among his 'recents' and pressed it. She answered on the second ring.

"Hi, Spencer!"

"Hi. How are you?"

"I'm fine. You?"

"Okay. How's the tour going?"

"So far, it's been sold out at every venue, and we've gotten a standing ovation each night. Which is the good news. But…well, I'm afraid I've got some bad news as well. The director wants to extend it by a week."

Later, when he thought back on it, Reid would be surprised that his only reaction had been to think about having a week to catch up on his reading.

"Oh. Well, bad for us, I guess. But good for the orchestra?"

There was a long hesitation on the other end of the phone, as Stephanie seemed to consider whether to tell him something. Reid couldn't be sure if all boyfriends had the kind of radar he did. But he was, after all, a profiler.

"What aren't you telling me?"

He heard her sigh before she responded. "He wants to take a small group of us…the string quartet, actually…..to China." She waited, and then continued when he gave no immediate response. "He actually brought it up a while ago, and I wasn't really considering it, but, now…."

"Now you've been traveling, and you've got the bug."

He could almost hear the smile in her next words. "I've got the bug." Pause, then hurried words. "But, if you don't want me to, Spencer…."

Reid's genius brain did its best to supply him with the right words, while he consulted with his ever-increasing emotional IQ.

"I would never ask you to give up an opportunity like this for me, Stephanie. Not that I won't miss you…" Emotional IQ points rising… "but it would be pretty selfish of me to keep the Chinese from hearing your music. Who knows what it might do for international relations?"

She chuckled through the phone. "Who knows? So, you're all right with it?"

He could hear the eagerness in her voice. She wanted this. "Of course. And, besides, for all we know, if you stayed back, I'd be called out of town for the whole time you would have been gone."

She sighed again. "We do have crazy schedules, don't we?"

Reid thought he heard something she hadn't said. But his fatigue was beginning to overcome him.

"We do. But that doesn't mean I can't call you tonight…or tomorrow morning…or whenever."

That was a clue. For all of his genius, Reid had trouble accommodating to time zones.

"Where are you?" asked Stephanie.

"Oregon."

"Oh! That explains the early phone call, I guess. What's the case?"

He hesitated. "Remember I told you there would be some that I couldn't talk about?" Like the one during which they'd met. "Well, this is one of them."

They'd been asked to keep things quiet, in the interest of not having a nationwide parental panic over vaccines.

"Oh, I see." Not really seeing at all. Stephanie had been tangentially involved the last time, and not entirely excluded from information. It didn't feel as easy to accept this time. "Well, okay, then."

"Okay." Emotional IQ lowered by fatigue. "Glad you understand. I'll talk to you when I can. Break a leg-or a bow, or something…" Knowing, from past experience, how she would react.

"Spencer!"

* * *

Hotch and Kate had already completed their calls and gone in, but Reid could see JJ still standing outside, a look of agitation on her face. As tired as he was, he decided to wait for her.

It was another two minutes before she ended her call. Or, rather, before her call seemed to have ended abruptly. Reid could see her standing, staring at the phone in her hand, as though she couldn't believe what had come through it. He decided to go outside, taking advantage of the privacy it would afford them.

She looked up when the doors swished open.

"Spence…"

"Hi. I was just finishing my phone call, and I saw you out here, and…" A rush of words, offering an unnecessary explanation.

"Oh. How's Stephanie?" Effectively changing the subject before it had time to _become_ a 'subject'.

 _Damn_. "She's fine. Said the concerts were all sold out."

"Wow, that's great. Good for them."

"Yeah. She also said the tour was extending for a week. And that she's going to China after that."

JJ had been using the topic of Stephanie as a means of avoiding talking about her own family. Now it seemed like it might actually be a sore subject for Reid. Or that it _should_ have been a sore subject. She looked sideways at her best friend, examining him for signs of upset, and not finding any.

"Are you okay with that? With her being away for so long?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" His newly emerging social savviness always seemed to fail him with JJ. He was almost entirely incapable of artifice with her. Almost.

Realizing too late that he probably should have been disappointed about Stephanie, Reid tried…and failed…to reconnoiter. "I mean…. we can still talk. And I wouldn't want to get in the way of her success."

If she hadn't been so tired, JJ would have been more discrete. At least, that's what she told herself, afterward.

"Hmph. Unlike some people I know."

It took only a nanosecond for Reid to see his opportunity. He pounced.

"What do you mean?"

Upset with herself, JJ tried to put him off. "Nothing. I don't mean anything. We should probably get to bed, don't you think?"

"JJ?"

It was the nature of their relationship that it only took the one word. Mostly, that it only took the obvious love and concern that could be poured into a single word. Despite the fact that they'd both been trying to shield the other from their individual dilemmas…..the shield was down.

She shook her head. "It's nothing, Spence, really. Not worth talking about. Just more of the same. Will's upset that I was called away right after he came home...from a full week away, mind you. He thinks we should 'make our family a priority'".

"Well.."

"No, Spence. Because all he really means is that _I_ should make _his_ family a priority. In New Orleans."

"Aren't you going there in July?"

"Apparently not. He's told them we'll come for a long Memorial Day weekend. He's already told the school that Henry will be missing time." Sounding more annoyed with every word.

Reid's extensive vocabulary failed him. "I….. well, maybe….."

"Don't try to defend him, Spence. I'm too angry, and I might bite _your_ head off, since I can't get at his."

He made a show of feeling about his face and hair, just as she heard her own words. JJ could do nothing but laugh at herself. "Sorry."

He smiled back. "Think nothing of it. It's just that I've grown rather fond of being in one piece."

She grinned at him. "You always know how to make me feel better, don't you? Come on, " linking her arm with his, "there's nothing I can do about this today, so I'd rather not think about it any more. Let's just get some sleep and dream good dreams…..like about Kimura not getting sick….or Stephanie coming home early…"

He joined in. "Or pancakes for breakfast. I think I might be as hungry as I am tired."

She snorted. "You and your godson are two of a kind. For Henry, there's nothing a good stack of pancakes can't cure."

He laughed, as he released her to open the door. "As long as they're filled with chocolate chips."

"I see you've been schooled."

"By the best." They'd walked down the short hallway to where their rooms were across from one another. "See you in the….. in a few hours?"

She nodded. "And, if we don't have time for breakfast, I'll make sure Garcia gets some delivered."

He smiled. "You and Garcia are a formidable team."

She wasn't sure quite how to take that, considering she and the technical analyst had teamed up to place the 'datemybestfrienddotcom' ad that had resulted in Stephanie being in his life.

"I hope you mean that in a good way."

"Always."


	12. Chapter 12

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 12**

Five hours was all they could afford to give to sleep, but it was enough to refresh their intellects. They met over a meal at the all-day breakfast chain attached to the motel. JJ smiled when Reid was quick to order pancakes.

"Got them on the brain, have you?"

He laughed. "I think I dreamt about them last night….er, earlier this morning."

"Me too. Or, more to the point, I dreamt about my pancake-loving son."

Kate arrived to join them just as the first orders were being delivered. "Ooh, that looks good!" Turning to the waitress, she announced, "I'll have a double."

Morgan looked at her in surprise. He'd already christened her 'Shorty'. That she could put away a double stack of pancakes was impressive.

"You sure about that, Shorty? It's like you're eating for…."

He stopped abruptly when he saw Kate's eyes fly to meet Hotch's. When he saw Hotch give a slight shrug, he knew. And Kate knew that he knew.

"All right. I was going to tell you all after the case was over, but I guess I may as well do it now."

Morgan broke into a grin. "Congratulations!" Rossi echoed him.

JJ stood and moved to Kate, hugging her in her seat. "Congratulations is right!"

Reid had already dug into his pancakes, and, with his palate sated, his mind was already at work on the case. He'd missed the look between Hotch and Kate, but his attention was drawn when JJ got out of her seat.

"Congratulations about what?"

Reid had long ago acquired a reputation as being socially inept, sometimes even aloof, but JJ realized it for what it was. His mind was usually too engaged in some other worthy enterprise to take notice of what was happening around him. Once brought back to the present, he was as empathetic as anyone she knew, and more so than many. JJ brought him back now.

"Kate is pregnant, Spence."

He looked to his newest colleague with surprised eyes. "You are? Congratulations!"

The others laughed at Reid's delayed reaction, but Kate simply smiled. Between the case work and the mentoring program, Kate had come a long way toward getting to know the idiosyncracies of Spencer Reid.

"Thank you. Thanks to all of you. And this is the last time we should talk about it, during this case. Somebody is hurting children, and I can't bear…" giving an involuntary rub of her belly…" to think about letting it happen again."

"Agreed," said their unit chief, deadpan. "But I think we'll need to let you finish your breakfast first."

* * *

Reid wanted to swing by the hospital to see Kimura before making the trip back down to Lane County, and JJ agreed to go with him. As distracted as he was by the looming danger for their physician friend, his brain still had room to worry about the one sitting next to him.

"Are you okay?"

She'd been staring out the window, silent, for the past five minutes. The broken silence startled her. "What?"

"Are you okay? You know, about Kate….well, about her news."

His peripheral vision caught the stream of emotions crossing her features. _Not upset. Conflicted._

Oblivious to Reid's studying her, JJ responded with, "Why wouldn't I be? She's obviously happy about it. Although…. Thirteen years between kids…..I don't know."

He cast a quick glance her way, then put his eyes back to the road. "I guess I just thought…. I wondered…"

Having trouble figuring out exactly how to bring it up. Reid ruminated on how his massive vocabulary always seemed to fail him when the conversation was difficult.

JJ saved him. It was easy to follow his thinking, because it had brought him to exactly the same place her mind had gone. "You mean, because I lost my baby."

A statement, not a question.

He colored. "Yes."

She half turned to him in her seat. "Spence, it was news to _you_. But I've been living with it for a few years already."

However awkward it felt, he wasn't having that.

"But you didn't choose to tell anyone about it until six months ago. And I remember that conversation, my friend. It was _very much_ on your mind. At the _top_ of your mind, as I recall. It wasn't something you'd dealt with and put away."

Knowing he was risking her anger, but willing to do so. He had really only meant to be solicitous in asking her how she felt about Kate's news. But her obvious denial told him it was much more than a throwaway topic. She needed to get it out, and he was going to help her.

She frowned at him. "Sometimes, Spencer Reid, I think about trading you in for a best friend who doesn't possess an eidetic memory."

He laughed, as she'd meant for him to do. But, contrary to what else she'd meant to have happen, he didn't let it drop.

"Well, you're stuck with me. And, I will remind you, I am also a profiler. And a good one, at that."

She smiled at the remark. "That you are."

Reid could feel more coming, so he gave her the time she needed to collect her thoughts. They were still ten minutes away from the hospital when she spoke again.

"It _is_ hard, I guess. Not that I'm not happy for Kate, because I am. Especially because _she_ seems happy with it. But the time...the gap….. When Will and I first talked about having another baby, it was a different time in our lives. We had Henry, and we were living together, and it seemed like something I could make a life with. So I was okay with trying again. Henry would only have been about two and a half when the baby was born. That was close enough in age for them to grow up playing together, to really live like siblings. And then…."

"And then, a man who was both a terrorist and a sadist took her away from you."

JJ was touched that Reid had remembered her conviction that it had been a daughter she'd lost, and she rubbed his arm in thanks.

Nodding, she replied, "And, since then….. I don't know. I wasn't ready, physically or emotionally, for a long time. And then, even though Will wanted it…..I just couldn't get myself there. But I think about it, sometimes. I wonder if I've let too much time pass. Henry would be so much older than his sibling, now."

Reid longed to ask her if that was all that was holding her back, but he knew he couldn't. Even if there was something about the state of her marriage that told her not to bring another child into it, even if he ached for her if she felt that way...he knew it could never be _he_ who brought it up. Their love and affection for one another had already been too much a source of irritation to Will, and thereby a source of tension in their marriage. The last thing Reid could do was to heighten it.

So he asked only about the most recent physical deterrent to her getting pregnant.

"Did Kimura give you the okay? Does she think it's enough time?"

JJ shrugged. "She told me six months ago that I should wait six months, to let your antibodies die off. We haven't spoken about it since."

He grasped at the remote possibility of changing the subject. Purposely sending up a shiver, Reid remarked, "Whoa. I don't like to think about _any_ part of me 'dying off', if you don't mind. Can we just say 'wane'?" Thanking his vocabulary for showing up.

She was equally happy to change the subject. "We can. And now it looks like we can say 'hello' to Dr. Kimura."

They'd just pulled into the hospital lot. Within a few minutes, they'd made their way to Linda Kimura's hospital room, and were both surprised to see her out of bed and fully dressed.

"Ahem," said Reid, kind of enjoying himself, "do you have a doctor's permission to be up and about?"

Kimura managed to smile and frown at the same time. "Touche. And, technically, I do."

JJ giggled, and Reid knew exactly what she was remembering. He tried to head her off. "Don't say it."

His attempt at preemptive deflection intrigued Kimura, who directed her question specifically to JJ.

"What are you not supposed to say?"

JJ smiled at her best friend as she shrugged, ' _what can I do_?' She turned to Kimura, and told a story from years ago.

"Well, it seems Spence decided to give himself a doctor's clearance to return to work, one time, after he'd been shot in the knee. And Hotch found him out."

Kimura turned raised brows to the BAU genius. "But you're not an MD."

It was Reid's turn to shrug. "They only asked if I had a doctor's note. No one asked what kind of doctor."

All of them laughed at that. Then Kimura took advantage of her situation. "Well, then I guess I'm better positioned than you were, _Doctor_ Reid. At least I'm a member of the right club."

He nodded his acknowledgement of her point, but was still concerned. "Seriously, should you be leaving the hospital? I mean, what if you get sick?"

"I had a port implanted early this morning, and my first dose of IV antibiotic. I've got a supply with me, and I can re-dose myself on a regular schedule. I've already worked with the doctors here to create a document with my current history and giving instructions on how I should be treated should I become ill, as well as how to contact my colleagues at the CDC. There's nothing else that needs doing right now, except for me to be working on this."

Reid and JJ looked from Kimura, to each other, and back again. JJ spoke for both of them.

"I can see we've got a kindred soul here, Spence. So, what do you say we all three get going? We need to get back to Lane County."

Reid wasn't quite satisfied. "And we need to get Linda back on the jet, headed toward DC. Isn't that where you need to do your work?"

He knew it was where _he_ would rather have her, if she were to actually develop symptoms.

Kimura shook her head. "Not yet. Part of epidemiology is the interviewing. I need to meet with the families, to look for common sources of exposure. Given that it's likely the children were injected with it, I need to visit their doctors' offices as well, and the Lane County Department of Public Health. _Then_ I'll be ready to go back to DC."

Reid realized she was right, no matter how little he liked the facts she'd presented.

"All right then. I'm with JJ. Let's get going. The sooner we get through this, the sooner we get you back home."

* * *

They were behind the rest of the team in arriving to Lane County. At the sheriff's office, they found Hotch reviewing a list of names with Sheriff Taylor.

"Dr. Kimura, I'm glad to see you looking well." He'd already expressed his surprise at her discharge, when he'd spoken with Reid and JJ by phone.

"Thank you." Kimura turned her attention to the sheriff. "Do you think it would be possible for me to meet with the parents of each of the children? It's best if I do it at their homes." While she was suspicious of the victims having been inoculated elsewhere, a good epidemiologist always looked at all potential venues.

Sheriff Taylor was accommodating. "I can have one of the deputies bring you around. Let me just call them first, after I finish with SSA Hotchner."

Hotch explained to his two newly arrived agents. "We're reviewing a list of antivaccine organizations and their known members. Garcia sent it this morning. So far, Sheriff Taylor doesn't recognize any of the names."

"Yeah, they fly pretty low on the radar for law enforcement." But Taylor had more information. "Agent Rossi and Agent Morgan went to meet with one of the more vocal leaders. Said they'd try to catch her when she gets out of work."

"And Kate is trying to work the medical system from the other end. Garcia was able to supply us with a list of children who have received immunosuppressant drugs in the past year, from insurance data. Kate is trying to compile a working list of the parents involved."

Reid was on that immediately. "We should also have Garcia cross-reference the list with obituary announcements. A parent could be incensed if they'd lost a child to a vaccine-preventable disease."

Hotch agreed. "Call Garcia and get her on it. Have her look at _all_ child obituaries. If she can find a cause of death, have her do it. It's not just the children who are on immunosuppressants who would be at risk. Isn't that correct, Dr. Kimura?"

The infectious disease expert nodded. "They would be the most obviously at risk. But _anyone_ can have a vaccine misfire, or fail to work. We should look at anyone who's lost a child to illness."

"Hey," Kate emerged from the conference room she'd been using as an office. "Dr. Kimura, I'm glad to see you looking well."

Kimura smiled her thanks. "I hear congratulations are in order." She'd been apprised during the ride down.

Kate's hand followed its instinctive route to her lower abdomen. "Thanks." She addressed her next words to Hotch and the others.

"I just spoke with Molly Clair, whose daughter is recovering from leukemia. She was pretty vocal about the antivaxxers. She said there's an informational meeting tonight for one of the groups. I guess they're feeling a little under the gun, because the deaths have been in the news, and people have been blaming the antivaccine movement. So they're holding a meeting to advise their membership about how to respond to questions and challenges. But she said anyone can attend. She and some other parents she knows are planning to infiltrate the meeting."

Hotch's brow was deeply furrowed. "Which means we need to be there. JJ, Reid…. we'll come up with a backstory for you. For now, you'll need a crash course on why parents refuse vaccines. And tonight, you'll be those parents.


	13. Chapter 13

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 13**

"You know what I just realized? I realized that I've never even thought to ask you," Reid said to JJ as they sat down to review the web sites Garcia had dug up for them. "I guess I always just assumed. But….has Henry had his immunizations? Do you agree with kids getting them?"

JJ looked up from the screen of her tablet only briefly. "It's not the usual topic of conversation, is it? But the answer is, yes, he's had them. But I can't say I was without concerns about them."

"Why?" Reid pulled out the chair at the end of the table nearest her and sat down.

JJ pushed the tablet away, settling into the conversation. They'd stumbled upon a subject that had been difficult for her, at first. And, courtesy of Will's self-described dislike of all things medical, it had been one she'd had to deal with alone.

"I guess there's no way you would know this. But, every time they give your child a shot, or even one of those vaccines by mouth, or that flu vaccine that they spray up the nose….they tell you all the risks and benefits. They always concentrate on the risks of the disease, and the fact that the vaccine can prevent it. But they also give you these informational handouts that mention all the side effects the vaccine can cause. And, believe me, they're scary. Things like seizures, and encephalitis."

Reid had a confession to make. "Actually, I've seen them. Once we found out what kind of case this was, I thought I should get myself up to speed on the issues. So I read through all of the material on the CDC web site, and then I looked at twenty or so of the articles that had been cited."

JJ's mouth was agape. "When did you have time for all of this?"

He was nonchalant. "On the plane. A little yesterday evening, before we found out Kimura was missing. And then a little more after Hotch gave us our assignment."

 _Why did you even ask, JJ? After all this time, you'd think you would know._

"And?"

She had to suppress a smile as Reid went into professorial mode. It was one of his most comfortable states of being, and it showed.

"And, you'd have to look at the data. I know it's intimidating to look at the side effects of the vaccines. But, seriously, have you ever really read the side effects of _anything_? Even aspirin. Or acetaminophen. Or, _your_ favorite, ibuprofen."

Knowing it was her 'go-to' drug for most of the complaints that ailed her, from time to time.

"Ibuprofen? Tell me 'no'!"

He laughed with her. "Ibuprofen, yes. Really, JJ, these informational handouts are required to cover certain information, even if it's about something that almost never happens. If people really read the handouts that come with their prescriptions, no one would ever take anything. Even the over the counter stuff."

She studied him, anticipating his point. "And no one would ever get better, either. Is that what you're about to say?"

He was enthused that she got it.

"Precisely. So, you can't read those vaccine information sheets correctly without having a sense of how often things happen. And then you have to compare how often the side effects happen with how often the disease presents."

"But most of these diseases are pretty uncommon these days, aren't they? Doesn't that make the risk of the vaccine greater than the risk of the disease?"

He was already shaking his head vigorously. "No, not at all. Because the vaccines are the _reason_ the diseases are rare. You have to go back to before the vaccines existed, and look at the incidence _then_ , and extrapolate to the size of the current population, and…"

"Spence!" JJ had her hand up. "Please, not the gobbledy gook. Just tell me what your point is."

He was a little put out. He'd been _getting_ to the point. "The point is, the diseases would be present in numbers substantial enough to frighten _any_ parent, if we didn't have the vaccines."

"And the diseases are _that_ bad."

"Only if you count organ damage….including brain damage….and death as 'bad."

As he knew she did. Reid couldn't help being curious.

"JJ, if you had all these reservations, why did you decide to get Henry immunized?" Grateful that she had.

She was quiet a long while, before heaving a great sigh and answering. The length of the process, and the bittersweet expression of her face, told Reid he was going to be hearing about more than just the process of deciding whether or not to vaccinate her child.

She'd been looking to the floor, but now raised her eyes to his. Those luminously large blue eyes, so full of emotion. Not for the first time, Reid marveled on how so small a thing as the widening of a pupil, or the shade of an iris, could create such an irresistible whirlpool of emotion, that he could be so easily absorbed into it.

 _And yet_ , he reflected, i _t happens._ _Every time_. Like this time, when hope, and fear, and joy, and trepidation, all visibly competed for prominence.

JJ had hesitated long enough. Now she told Reid why.

"When I became a mother…. when I became responsible for a life besides my own… it was like, in an instant…" And she snapped her fingers. "…the world became the most wonderful place. And the most _dangerous_ place, at the same time." She smiled at him. "Do you remember coming to my hospital room?"

 _Are you kidding? The day you changed my life, by charging me with Henry? The day you turned all of my sorrow and regret on its head, just by looking to deliciously, exhaustedly beautiful in that hospital bed?_

"Yes. Of course."

"Well, before you came… before I would allow Will to let anyone into the room…I lost it. I _totally_ lost it. I was terrified. Here, this beautiful, precious little thing was in my life, and I hadn't a clue how to take care of him. I was afraid of _everything_. _Literally_. I was afraid I would hurt him by pulling at the security tag on his cord, and afraid I would hold him wrong, and afraid I wouldn't be able to feed him the right way, or have enough of me to sustain him. And then I started worrying about everything else, for the whole rest of his life."

Reid narrowed his eyes in concern for her, even hearing about all of this six years after the fact.

"I never knew. I guess I was too out of it to pick up on it. I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "It's not about that. It was probably partly the hormones. But, the point is, the uncertainty never goes away. Not for me, anyway. It's not always so emotional…."

Blushing, when she realized he was scrutinizing her. "Well, okay, maybe it is. But I manage to rein it in most of the time. But it's always there. _Always._ I'm never sure if I'm doing the right thing. I know Henry so much better now, and I can take a good guess. But it's always just that. I guess, and I pray, and I hope God will watch out for him."

Reid had to rein in his own emotion before he could respond. "You're a great mother, JJ. Henry knows you love him. Anyone can see it. Even if something doesn't work out….it doesn't mean you were wrong, does it? I mean, isn't _any_ decision you make out of love the right decision?"

It was JJ's turn to study her best friend. "We're not just talking about me anymore, are we?"

The tint on Reid's neck belied his embarrassment. "Sorry. It's just…. not every parent is equally equipped, right? Not with intelligence, not with health…and not with mental health."

She smiled at him. "But love equalizes everything. Is that what you were going to say?"

Grateful, to Whomever was responsible, that the _man_ before her had been a _boy_ who was loved, even if it had been lopsided, and even if he had been so little 'parented'.

The pink deepened. "I guess. I just wanted to make the point that no one can ever be certain of the outcome of a decision. And we're only granted a glimpse of _one_ timeline. So, we can only see what _did_ happen, and not what _didn't._ We can only make decisions about one another….including our children….out of love, and, after that, all we can do is to hope for the best."

As much as they'd been filled with logic, Reid's words had also been filled with longing. JJ couldn't help but react.

 _Oh, Spence. I pray you'll be able to do that one day. To make decisions for a little life you've created. To know the depth of the love it takes to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even as you pray that you've done the right thing. Because it's not just scary. It's the thing that tears you apart at the same time that it makes you whole._

JJ rose and tousled his hair as she moved to the table where the coffeemaker sat. It was time to break the mood. They had a meeting to prepare for.

"Okay, you. If you've already absorbed it all, why don't you just tell me what I need to know? Why do we need to look at these web sites Garcia sent us?"

He followed her lead, and toned it down.

"Because the case isn't about the _facts._ It's about the _feelings_. Someone who is inclined to fear vaccines…or maybe just someone who is inclined against big government, and its power to force a health practice…..for them, it's not about the information. They're not even paying attention to it. People are so vehement about this, on both sides of the issue, that they don't even listen to each other any more. But _we_ need to listen to what they say. And to what they _write_. It's not the information on the websites…..well, maybe, a little, and the _misinformation_ too….but it's the _opinions_ people express. If we want to be convincing as antivaxxers, we need to know how antivaxxers think. And that's not necessarily going to come from the facts."

JJ stirred her coffee as she came back to the table with an extra mug for Reid….and seven sugars.

"So, we need to get their story straight, all right. And we need to get _our_ story straight too, don't we?"

"Huh?"

"How long have we been together? How many kids do we have? How old are they?"

"Oh." He'd been so caught up in the scientific and behavioral aspects of the issue, he'd forgotten the practical. _Again. What would I do without you, JJ?_

"'Oh' is right. So, what do you think?"

He didn't have to think too hard. He wasn't very good at faking things.

"We've been together ten years, and we have a six year old. We can change his name, I guess. Any ideas?"

She made a show of thinking about it. "Well, I guess 'Pretty Boy' wouldn't do. What about….Morgan?"

His mouth spreading slowly into a grin, Reid agreed. "Morgan. What a great name. Should we tell them our son is behaviorally challenged? Like, maybe he likes to kick down our doors?"

She couldn't help but giggle. "But, you know, maybe you're right. There has to be a reason we're at the meeting. Our son would either already be fully vaccinated for school, or he wouldn't."

Serious again, Reid thought about it. "All right. Maybe Morgan struggles at school. Maybe reading?"

She got into it with him. "And he doesn't communicate well. And we think it might be from that fever he got after one of the vaccines. Which one is it they think is connected with autism?"

"The MMR. The one that protects against measles, and rubella and mumps."

"What's rubella?"

"German measles."

"Oh. Okay. So, yeah. We think that's what happened, and we don't want other kids to have to risk the same thing."

"But that's been debunked. The article was retracted, and the main author was forbidden from practicing."

"Spence, I'm just quoting you now. 'It's about the feelings.' Not the facts. Let's go for ir, Mr….what?"

"Hmmm. How about Mr. Garcia?"

She couldn't suppress a snort. "You, a Garcia?"

"Well, _she_ doesn't look like one either," he whined.

"Spence…."

"All right. How about…Prentiss? We can be Mr. and Mrs. Prentiss."

JJ grinned. "Emily would love it. Like she's with us in spirit."

He smiled as well. "I wish."


	14. Chapter 14

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 14**

"I'm not sure. We've covered a lot of the bases out here, but we haven't got anything solid yet. We'll see what the next twenty-four hours brings."

Reid was making his call after a shared supper with his teammates and members of the sheriff's department. Kimura had already retired to the hotel to rest.

"Well, I hope to God it doesn't bring another sick child, or an injury to another one of my friends. Please tell Linda I'll pray that she stays well." Stephanie corrected herself. "That _all_ of you stay well. Please be careful, Spencer."

Though she's not been made privy to the mechanism of injury, Stephanie had been distressed to learn that Kimura had been in the hospital. The two had developed a friendship in the course of working on the mentorship program together.

"I will. Tell her, that is. _And_ I'll be careful."

"Well, I know it's selfish of me, but I hope you'll be free in time to meet the tour in Vegas. I'd love to see your home town _with_ you."

It was one of the cities added on as a part of the new extension of the orchestra's national tour.

"That would be great, wouldn't it? Although I'm banned from a number of casinos there. Card-counting."

"Seriously?"

"Uh-huh. It's not something I can turn off. My brain just does it. So we might have limited options, but if we stick to the craps tables, it might be okay."

Reid looked up as JJ poked her head into the conference room to indicate it was time for them to leave. She could only hear his end of the conversation.

On the other end of the phone, Stephanie was giggling. "My Spencer, a big, bad gambling outcast! Who would have known!?"

"Hmph." He feigned indignation, as he waved to acknowledge JJ. "Half of Vegas, as it turns out. So our tour might have to be limited to the desert. But at least it's beautiful out there. So many shades of sandstone, and the sky that goes on forever…."

JJ smiled, watching him come alive at the thought of home. For all of the difficulties of his childhood, she knew Reid had developed the one relationship that excited him to this day…his relationship with the desert. She'd been troubled by the idea at first, having applied her own personal reaction to it, instead of his.

 _It's so lonely out there. How is it that you relate so much to a place that can make a body feel so lonely?_

And she'd worried about him, as she so often did. But, gradually, she'd come to see it through his eyes.

 _It brings you peace. It's quiet, and you're not bombarded by so much input that your mighty brain is powerless to ignore. It's where you can think._

Reid had completed his call by the time she emerged from her reverie, and startled her by calling her name.

"Earth to JJ.."

"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. Must have been daydreaming. Was that Stephanie?"

"Yes."

It was so like him, to answer the question precisely, and then nothing more. The only times he went on beyond the absolutely necessary were when he had some illuminating tidbit to share. Or, when he was worried about her, and trying to draw her out.

 _Well, I guess I've learned from the master._ Not quite sure it was the same thing. After all, she _wasn't_ worried about him...was she? Nonetheless, JJ tried to draw him out in turn.

"And you guys are going to Vegas?" Surprised at her own tone, at that slight hint of jealousy infusing her words. Hoping he hadn't noticed.

If he had, he didn't show it. "Well, _she's_ going to Vegas. It's one of the stops on the extension of the tour. Whether or not _I_ make it will depend on how things go here. Or elsewhere. Who _knows_ what we'll be working on next week."

"Oh, I see. You're trying to meet up. Hmph. Sounds like me and Will, back in the day." When the long distance between them had been a strain on their relationship. _And now it's the short distance. How's that for irony?_

"Well, I don't know if we'll pull it off or not. But she'd like to try."

JJ remembered something. "I heard you telling her about the desert. But I always thought it was the _night_ sky you loved so much, not the sandstone." He'd told her about it a few times.

He looked a bit uncomfortable. "It is." _But I don't share it with everyone. Not right away, anyway_. "But the daytime scenery is beautiful, too."

The blonde profiler chewed on her lower lip, wondering if she should allow the words to escape. Then, without a conscious decision on her part, they were out.

"And you could introduce her to your mother. Right?"

Another thing he might not be quite ready to share. Reid chose not to respond. Instead, he made a show of looking at his watch.

"We'd better get going. We don't want to draw attention by arriving late.

* * *

Even after agreeing that emotion would most likely play a larger role than fact for the antivaxxers, they'd done their homework and read through the sites Garcia had provided them. They reviewed what they'd learned on the way to the meeting.

"Okay, so…..we know they put a lot of stock in that one article that was debunked, the one that says the MMR vaccine causes autism." JJ got them started. "But I don't understand why they didn't reconsider when the article was retracted. What are they thinking?"

Reid knew. "They're thinking that the article was retracted because 'the powers that be' forced it."

"A conspiracy? From the scientific community? But why…"

He interrupted her. "Not the scientific community. They think the _government_ forced the retraction, or that the pharmaceutical industry did it."

"But why would they? And why would anyone believe that?"

He flashed her a glance. "JJ, don't you know how many paranoid people we have in this country? Don't you know how many people don't trust their own government?"

She sniffed. "Well, it's not like I know any of them personally, but, yes, I know _of_ them. How could I not? They're on the news every other night, complaining about one thing or another."

He suppressed his laugh before it could grow. "Sounds like you don't quite agree with them."

"Do you?" Said quickly, and with surprise. He'd asked her about her own beliefs on vaccination, but she'd never asked him. She'd just assumed.

He took a moment to make sure his words would come out right. "It's not that I don't trust the science. But I've seen….we've _both_ seen, right?... where industry can get out of control. So, no, I don't believe it's a conspiracy. But I guess I understand where they're coming from, those who do. It's not like it's unprecedented."

"But…if a company was promoting a vaccine that they knew to be dangerous….wouldn't that make them worse than all the serial killers we've ever gone after, all put together? I mean, think of the numbers!"

He agreed with her. "Fortunately, I doubt it's actually happening. We've got checks and balances in place, after all. The industry may develop the vaccine in the first place, but it's the medical community who delivers it. Even if industry wanted to squelch things, the public health community would be studying the effects of the vaccine on the people who receive it, both good and bad."

"So you'd really have to have the paranoia gene activated to think that they were all in cahoots, I guess. As much as I worried about making the right decision, especially after reading those handouts, I couldn't see Henry's pediatrician doing anything to him that she didn't think was for the best. He's crazy about her, and I think the feeling is mutual."

Reid chuckled. "You mean, he's got another crush besides Meg?"

Henry's fascination with Kate's niece was well known to all of them.

JJ laughed as well. "My son, the ladies' man."

"The _older_ ladies' man."

"Ha. Well, anyway, I can't see Dr. Monica not noticing if bad things were happening to her patients after she'd given them vaccines. I think, if it had happened to even _one_ of them, she'd have looked into it. And she's probably not unusual in that. So, I guess you're right. It doesn't make any sense to believe in some huge national conspiracy to keep the dangers of vaccines from the general public. The real question, then, is….why do so many people still see it that way?"

"Confirmation bias."

"What?"

"Confirmation bias. It's when you form a belief, and then you only pay attention to the things that confirm it, and ignore those that don't. It's a major pitfall for research. In this case, it means that all anyone needs is one 'expert' who will go against the grain, and the antivaxxers feel vindicated. Or one possible vaccine-related case of something. It's all it takes."

She got it now. "Like that one guy who wrote the paper about autism and vaccines, but wouldn't retract it, even though all of his fellow authors did."

"Exactly. And I'll bet a lot of people don't know that he was subsequently barred from practicing medicine because of research misconduct, with that very study."

JJ shook her head. "Sometimes I think I went along with having Henry vaccinated just because I didn't have it in me to go against the system. I've always been 'the good girl', ever since I was a kid. I've always followed the rules."

They shot each other a sideways glance at that. It was her 'always following the rules' that had almost cost them their friendship. She'd not shared her knowledge of Emily's being alive with him, because she'd been ordered not to. He'd seen it as duplicity, and it had almost broken them apart. _Almost._ Because, although they'd spent time alienated from one another, the caring had run too deep. The connection between them remained supple, no matter how brittle its exterior. And, once that brittle exterior had been pared away….by time, and tears, and apology... what remained within was still strong, and healthy.

"Somehow, I think, where Henry is concerned, you would have found a way to buck the system, if you thought it needed to be bucked." He'd seen Mother Bear JJ in action too often to think otherwise. "I think you evaluated the risk and the benefit, and then…."

"And then I prayed that I was making the right decision." She shifted in her seat as they pulled into the parking lot of the church that was hosting the meeting. "I feel for these parents, Spence. I really do. I mean, they all only want what's best for their children."

"Except for one of them," Reid reminded her. "One of them has taken it upon him or herself to make a point of protecting their child by harming the children of others. And I hope they're at this meeting."

* * *

The turnout was larger than they'd expected, with nearly two hundred people in attendance. JJ whispered to Reid as he held the door for her, at the entrance to the church hall.

"I was picturing them as a small, rebel group, but this is a huge crowd. I forgot where I was, I guess." In the heart of one of the largest concentrations of antivaxxers in the country.

That was all the conversation they had time for before they were surrounded by the large crowd. Any further such communication would have to be nonverbal.

There was a sign-in table off to the left. Reid ushered his wife over, and entered their names. One of the women staffing the table was obviously trying to read what he'd written, upside down. Having noticed, Reid flipped the paper around.

"There. That will make it easier for you."

The woman blushed. "Sorry, I guess I was just being nosy. I come to all of these, and I know a lot of the people, but I haven't seen you or your wife before."

"Well, then, let us introduce ourselves. I'm Eric Prentiss, and this is my wife, Anna."

JJ gave the women an uncertain smile. "We actually haven't been to one of these before. But….well, our son is in the first grade, and they've just diagnosed him with a learning disability, and we remembered that bad fever he'd had after a vaccine, and…."

Her voice had filled with emotion. Reid put a supportive arm around her shoulder, and explained.

"And we're worried that maybe we're responsible for his disability. So we came here to find out."

"Oh," said the woman, "Honey, don't you cry about it. It doesn't do a body good to feel guilty. What you need to feel is _angry_. Angry enough to make them stop." She put out her hand. "I'm Eloise, by the way."

They shook hands all around, picked up a couple of flyers about future meetings, and then Reid and JJ found seats in the back row. They wanted to be able to observe the body language of the others.

A few minutes later, the meeting was called to order. A man stood at a small podium, and looked out at the crowd.

"Well, it looks like we've got quite a turnout tonight. And I see quite a few new faces, as well. So, let's do some housekeeping first. We ask all of you to silence your cell phones. I know many of you have little ones at home with the babysitter, so we'll allow you to keep them on, as long as they're on vibrate. For those of you who are new to us, we do have some additional rules. This is a meeting where we speak freely, and would like everyone to feel as though they can do the same. For that reason, we do not allow recording of any kind, nor any kind of photography. Anyone seen violating those rules will be escorted to the door."

He looked around, presumably gauging the reactions of the newcomers. Both Reid and JJ obliged by pulling out their cell phones and putting them on 'vibrate'. It had already been decided that, if they needed to do any covert communication, it would be by texting their babysitter…a woman named 'Penelope'.

Apparently satisfied, the male continued to open the meeting. "My name is Harold Farley, and I am the parent of a child harmed by a vaccine. I welcome all of you, new and old. And, as is our custom, I'll invite the newcomers to tell us their stories."

He waited, as the crowd looked around to find the unfamiliar faces. Several people began staring at JJ and Reid, to the point where Reid thought he would have to stand and speak. But then there was a throat-clearing from the middle of the room, on the left, and a woman stood. Her voice mimicked the visible trembling of her limbs as she spoke.

"It…..it's been three years. My son was completely normal at birth. Beautiful. Bright. He had such an amazing smile. And then….." For a few seconds, she struggled to find her voice, but then shook her head, and sat back down. The man who'd been sitting next to her rose, his voice only slightly less shaky than hers had been.

"What my wife was trying to say was that our son…..our incredible, wonderful son…..had his first set of vaccinations. A month later, he caught a fever, and the doctors said it was a virus. And he's never been the same since. We never took him anywhere, there was no way he could have gotten sick. It _had_ to have been those goddamned vaccines."

Murmuring swept through the crowd, mixed with identifiable encouragements of, 'You've got that right!' and 'Amen, brother!' And then Harold Farley addressed his assembly once again.

"I know there's another story out there. In fact, I know there are a hundred stories out there. But let's hear from another one of our newbies. Anyone?"

His eyes roamed the crowd, stopping briefly on each new face. The ice broken, two people stood at once, ready to speak. Farley called on them in turn, and then on the several others who looked willing to share their tales of woe.

The litany of sorrow was getting to JJ. Reid sensed it, as she seemed to be closing in upon herself. He reached across to take her hand, keeping his index finger free. He wagged the finger back and forth, to indicate 'no', and could only hope she knew what he meant by it.

Eventually, it seemed, it was their turn. Farley had thanked all of the others in turn, and now focused his gaze intently upon the Prentiss family. Reid squeezed JJ's hand as he stood to be their spokesperson. Wanting to deliver his tale with the proper emotion, Reid forced himself to think about Henry having lived through their backstory. It was a more effective tool than he'd imagined it would be.

"Our son….our Morgan…. ," his voice breaking even now, "…..was the most….the most intelligent, charming... _funny_ ….little boy on the face of the earth. He could light up a room with his smile, and he'd figured out Legos by a year…..not the big clunky ones, mind you, but the little ones, the kind you don't really want him touching until he's older….."

He looked around the room and blushed. Which was when JJ realized how real it was for him. She'd known right away that he was describing Henry. But to hear him publicly describe the depth of his love and pride…..even if the others didn't know who he was talking about….. it touched her deeply. She could only wonder if the trouble he was having with his voice at this point was real.

"And then….." He turned to his 'wife' and the two clasped hands, in support of one another. "And then, we took him for his shots, when he was just a little over a year. About a month later, he had the first real fever of his life. At least 104." Reid made the rapid calculation from Celsius. "And his doctors said it was just a virus. We were foolish enough to believe it then, but now we're not. Because, at first, he seemed okay. He seemed like he'd recovered. Which made us stupid enough to get the rest of his vaccines done. Still, everything seemed fine. But then, when he started school, he struggled. He had trouble reading, working with his letters. He fell behind the rest of the class. The school evaluated him and told us that he has a learning disability."

Mr. Prentiss got louder and more vehement as he made his case to the crowd. "Neither my wife nor I _ever_ had any problems with learning. It doesn't run on either side of the family. It _had_ to have been that fever. And it had to have been from the vaccines. It's too late for Morgan. But we don't want any other parents to go through life feeling as guilty as we do."

There were nods of assent around the room, and a smattering of applause as the crowd realized the last testimony had been given. Harold Farley stood again, and addressed the crowd.

"As you know, our movement has been challenged by the state of Oregon. We've been told that our rights as parents will no longer be respected. We will no longer be able to choose not to vaccinate our children simply because we believe vaccines are harmful. Glen Cooper has been working on strategy for us. Glen?"

Farley motioned another man to the microphone. The man who came forward was middle-aged, balding, fit. Both of the profilers in the audience tried to size him up.

"As you may or may not know, three children have recently died as result of infections that should have been prevented by one of the mandatory vaccines. As far as I've been able to find out, each of them died from meningitis."

None but Reid could have described what 'meningitis' was, but the reaction to the word was still a communal gasp.

"And one of those damn 'required vaccines' should have prevented it. But it didn't. So, those kids….and an awful lot of _our_ kids… were exposed to a vaccine that did _nothing_. All of the side effects and….boom… _nothing_. No protection. Kids got the meningitis, and they died."

Still holding his 'wife's' hand, Reid squeezed it and gently wagged his index finger back and forth once again, hoping she understood his signal for 'they're wrong'. He took comfort in feeling her squeeze back.

Glen Cooper was still speaking. "So we need to use this opportunity. I know it may be distasteful to some of you…..it might seem like you're taking advantage of someone else's grief..but if we don't want any _more_ families to be grieved, we need to act." He drew his eyes slowly across the crowd.

"Do I have your cooperation? We've prepared a petition to go before the legislature. I need you each to sign it, and then I want each of you to take it home, bring it around to your community. We need to be heard in Salem this year! We need to get that ridiculous law retracted! We need to take back the right to protect our children! Who's with me on this?"

JJ and Reid chanced sideways glances. This was beginning to sound more like a rally than it was an informational meeting, especially when many in the assembly started responding to Cooper's call.

Surrounding by shouting, JJ took the opportunity to speak into Reid's ear.

"Don't they know that the children's infections weren't covered by the vaccine?"

Reid reciprocated. "Kimura said only the first case was made public. Once they realized they had a second case, they decided to withhold that information. Especially when they realized it had come from their own lab."

JJ's turn again. "So, these people are all operating under the assumption that the vaccine simply failed to work, not that someone created a new strain?"

Before Reid could answer, and as the crowd quieted back down, they heard their pseudonyms being called, this time by Harold Farley.

"Mr. and Mrs. Prentiss, is it? Is there a problem?"

Apparently their conversation hadn't gone unnoticed. Nor their failure to 'join the cause'. Reid began to rise from his seat, but JJ pulled him back down, as she stood herself.

"Not a problem, Mr. Farley. I was just telling my husband that I'd hoped to learn a little more about how this group was formed, and how it operates, maybe take a look at some of your informational material. I feel like it's an uphill battle, and I want to be fully prepared to fight it. I just…" She looked around, managed to blush, and shrugged her helplessness. "I guess I just want to make sure no other parent has to feel as guilty as I do. But I feel so ill prepared for the fight. I was…..we were.." turning briefly to her husband, "…we were hoping you could help us with what we need to know."

At that, her husband stood, putting a protective arm around her. "We don't want to detract from what you're about here tonight, Mr. Farley. Nor you, Mr. Cooper. But, as newcomers to this, we feel a little bit at a loss." He looked down at his wife. "Anna and I don't want to be in the way. Maybe…..is there someone who could meet with us afterward, maybe fill us in on the background to all of this? We would consider it a tremendous favor."

Farley and Cooper exchanged glances, and then Farley seemed to have reached a decision.

"Of course. In fact, I'd be happy to stay after the meeting and speak with you myself." He looked around at the crowd once again, his eyes settling on each pair of newcomers. "That offer extends to all of you, if you're interested."

Eric and Anna Prentiss took their seats once again, and the meeting progressed with a series of proposals on how to engage various media outlets in the process of informing Oregonians that their legislature had failed them by forcing families to risk the side effects of what was obviously an ineffective vaccine. Two different members of the assembly offered the names of local 'experts' who would speak to the risks and absent benefits of several other vaccines. JJ would have been sorely tempted to risk texting the names to Garcia, had she not been with her eidetically-gifted best friend.

After about an hour, Farley ran through a list of assignments generated from the meeting, and then brought the assembly to an end. Reid noticed that he'd done so without reminding the newcomers of his offer to explain things to them.

Several small cliques gathered over coffee at the back of the room, while JJ and Reid stood next to their seats, looking around for where Farley had gone. JJ startled when she felt a hand at her elbow.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Prentiss. I didn't mean to frighten you," said Eloise. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about your son. And that you'll be very happy you came here tonight. This is a good group of people. They really care about the children. You'll see."

JJ thanked the woman for her encouragement. "It's so nice of you to say. Thank you."

Eloise fidgeted, just the slightest bit, alerting the profilers that she had something else to say. JJ chose to prod her.

"Is there something….."

She didn't even make it through the sentence before Eloise burst out with, "I'm sorry. I couldn't help but think about it…..but, you said your son is six?"

Both of the couple nodded.

"So….I'm sorry if I'm prying, but…..it happened to me, and I don't want it to happen to anyone else."

Two sets of brows furrowed in question, which Eloise answered. "My daughter had a reaction to a vaccine, and it damaged her brain. She was completely dependent on me. So, I decided…..well, I decided that I couldn't risk it happening to another child. But, instead of getting involved in the fight….I just decided not to have any more children. But it's become the biggest regret of my life."

Both Mr. and Mrs. Prentiss appeared to share her anguish, prompting her to add, "And then my daughter died. And I was left with no one. I just….I just don't like to see it happening to anyone else. So, sweetie," She took JJ by both hands. "Six years is a long time. I couldn't help but think you were doing the same thing I was, and that you would regret it, one day. Please don't be afraid to have another child. Fight back _this_ way, with the group. It's better, in the end."

She felt vindicated when she saw Mr. Prentiss put his hand on the small of his wife's back. She couldn't know that Reid was worried about her statements precipitating guilt for JJ, over the child she'd lost.

His worry was well-placed, it turned out. But JJ couldn't let it show on her face. She thanked Eloise for her concern, and then added, "And…by the way….do you know where Mr. Farley went? We wanted to speak with him."

Eloise reacted as though she'd not heard the exchange during the meeting. "Mr. Farley? I think he had an appointment. I know he was in a hurry. But he'll be here next time."

They already knew, from the discussion at the end of the meeting, that 'next time' was in two weeks. They wouldn't have that luxury.

"He was going to give us some background on the group," Reid pressed. "We wanted to understand how it got formed, and its philosophy. And we really need more information on the vaccines. All we can find is the stuff that promotes them. And, well, _blogs._ But the people whose minds need to be changed don't pay attention to blogs."

She laughed at that. "You're one hundred percent right, Mr. Prentiss. The best thing to use to refute a scientist is more science. And we've got plenty of that. I can give you a few things I've got, and I can send you more. What's your address?" They hadn't used it to sign in.

"How about an email?" JJ suggested. She took out a small pad and wrote the email address Garcia had created for them. "You can send us anything else you have. But we'd still really like to speak with Mr. Farley."

Apparently Eloise had taken a liking to them. After a moment's consideration, she'd decided. She reached out a hand and JJ, understanding, passed her the pad. Eloise pulled out her phone and ran through the contacts.

"Here's Harold's cell number. He's kind of private about things, you know. Likes to keep this separate from his family life. His son is autistic, and it takes Harold and his wife all they can do to get through the day some times."

JJ was sympathetic. "How does he ever find time for this?"

Eloise eyed her. "Honey, the better question is, what could ever keep him from it?"

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Prentiss decided to pass up 'coffee and', and headed for the parking lot. As they neared their SUV, Reid once again reached his arm around his 'wife'.

"You okay?"

JJ's natural inclination would have been to say, 'I'm fine', and put off any further conversation. But she was feeling a bit raw. And it was _Spence_ asking her the question.

"Not really," she said, as she separated from him to walk to the other side of their vehicle. "It's just...there's _so_... _much_... _.sorrow_. So much pain. It's so strange, but, in some ways, I feel worse for _them_ than I do for the families of our usual victims. Because the families of our victims have a starting point. They can wake up one day, and start to heal. For these people...every day is the same sad, strenuous reminder that their lives have been overtaken by tragedy. Who can live like that?"

They'd both entered the vehicle by now. It had been enough time for Reid to reflect on the complexity of his best friend.

 _She's always so determined to look tough on the outside. But on the inside...she's as tender as they come. That's probably why I'm in love with her._

As soon as the thought passed through his mind, he froze. _In love? No! No, it's why I_ love _her. That's right. It's why I_ love _her._

JJ picked up on his reaction, though she had no idea what had precipitated it.

"Spence? Are you all right?"


	15. Chapter 15

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 15**

The ride back to the sheriff's office was unusually silent, given that they were returning from an undercover assignment of sorts. Reid still felt thrown by the curveball his subconscious had pitched to him, while JJ was struggling with something entirely different. She allowed _her_ thoughts to rise all the way to the surface.

"Eloise was right."

Given the battle going on inside Reid's brain, it came across as a non sequitur.

"What?"

"She was right." JJ heaved a huge sigh. "I should have fought my battle a different way."

Scrambling to assemble his IQ points, Reid tried to make sense of her words. But sense would not be made. He was going to have to confess it.

"I don't understand. What are you talking about?"

He felt her looking at him, and briefly returned her gaze. What he saw, in the fleeting moment before she turned away from him, brought on an immediate sense of guilt. She'd looked embarrassed, as though she regretted having started the conversation.

Reid reached over and patted her leg. "I'm sorry. Just being dense, I guess. Really, tell me. I want to know."

She looked over at him again, and this time saw his encouraging smile. She returned a small one in kind.

"I….it's stupid, really. We've already talked about this. I held on to it for way too long, not telling anyone. Not telling _Will._ He was her father, after all."

Understanding dawned in the genius brain beside her.

"Your baby."

In his peripheral vision, he could see her nod. "My baby."

After just those two words, she was silent for so long that Reid reached over to touch her again.

"Tell me." He sensed her looking at him, and turned to her again. "Really. I want to know."

JJ briefly squeezed the hand that had prodded her, then released it.

"It's just that….. I guess I've always known this, but I haven't admitted it to myself, because, even when I was feeling it, I knew it didn't make sense."

"Feelings aren't required to make sense. They just _are_."

She gave a cynical chuckle. "Well, they _should_ be. Required to make sense, I mean. If they were, we wouldn't get ourselves into so many ridiculous situations, would we?"

"Like?" Still trying to draw her out, a bit concerned that it was proving to be so difficult.

"Like….." Another long silence. "….Like, I told myself that I hadn't gotten pregnant again because 'it just wasn't the right time'" (making finger quotes), "or because of work, or because of Henry….I'd spent so much time away from him, I told myself that it wasn't right for him to have to share. I even told myself it was because of Will, because of…." She cut herself off abruptly, not wanting to go there aloud, not even with Spence.

 _He_ couldn't go there either. Not _with_ her, and not _without_ her. His own internal defense mechanism wouldn't allow him to even realize it, nor to realize why. He just…didn't go there.

But he _could_ address some of what she'd said. "Are you saying you think there was another reason?"

She nodded. "I was afraid. I _am_ afraid. Look at what I allowed to happen to my daughter. How can I even think about bringing another baby into the world, and subjecting _them_ to my bad judgment?"

He was completely thrown. _You think…..how can…..oh, no…._ Surprised to hear her bring up something he'd never even considered. _  
_

The deserted evening streets gave him plenty of room to pull over, which he accomplished as quickly as he could.

She looked at him with surprise. "What? Why are we stopping?"

He'd shut off the vehicle, and turned in his seat, so he could really look at her.

"Are you kidding? I stopped because we need to talk about this. JJ…. What happened in Afghanistan was _not_ ….. _your…..fault_. I thought we agreed on this."

A niggling at the back of his mind reminding him that she must have already been ill, at the time. That night in the hospital when she'd broken down, when she'd told him the whole story. _Her fever hadn't struck her for a few hours, but it had to have been in the making._ _Maybe she really doesn't remember._

But she _did_ remember, at least a little bit. "I was in a war zone with her, Spence. _I_ made a stupid decision, and _she_ paid the price. How does that make me different from any of those parents who were there at that meeting?"

There was so much wrong with what she'd said that he wasn't sure where to begin. He just knew he had to start somewhere.

"First of all," his voice firm, commanding. He'd sensed that she needed direction, and he intended to give it to her. "You'd only just found out you were pregnant within a day of the bombing. You thought you were just finishing up, so you could go home. That was a _good_ decision."

In the darkened interior of the vehicle, he could just make out the pleading in her eyes _. Tell me it wasn't my fault. Please._

"Secondly, you couldn't know what evil was out there stalking you. You could only do what needed to be done, for the sake of a great many other people. You were trying to do the right thing. You _did_ the right thing. Someone _else_ did the wrong thing."

He watched her carefully, looking for signs that she'd not just absorbed what he'd said, but that she'd _accepted_ it. Satisfied, he went on.

"JJ…..none of those parents made a bad decision in immunizing their kids. There were known risks, and they took them. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it would have worked in their favor. In _society's_ favor. But they were the unfortunate one percent. In their case, there was no evil force behind it. It was just chance, or genetics, or some other thing we don't understand yet. For you….. it was someone else being diabolical. You can't take the responsibility for that. I won't let you."

At those final few words, she managed a wet smile…wet because it was laved with her tears.

"My champion," she said, cupping his cheek. "You always try to see the best in me, Spence. Even when it isn't there."

That flared an immediate anger in him, that she wouldn't see herself as he saw her. As he _knew_ her to be. He removed her hand from his cheek, and held it in his.

"Listen to me." It came out so forcefully that even _he_ was taken aback. He took a second to regroup, grasping her other hand in the process. "I want you to listen to me." More gently now, hazel eyes boring into hers.

"You are _not_ that person. You are a woman who loves fiercely. You _loved_ your daughter. She _knew_ that. Don't ask me how I can be so sure, I just am. She knew it. And she knew you _wanted_ her. What else is there, in life, but to be loved and wanted? She _had_ that. _You_ gave it to her. And I won't have you saying otherwise. I won't have you _thinking_ otherwise."

JJ's face crumpled as she wrestled her hands free and brought them to her mouth, trying to hold back what wouldn't be held back. She slid her fingers up to cover her entire face. But her shoulders were still visible to Reid, and they were shaking uncontrollably. As best he could, across the console of the SUV, he reached his arms around her, and she sunk her face into his shoulder.

Positioned as they were, it was easy for him to speak, ever so softly, into her ear. When she'd sufficiently quieted, he began.

"You taught me that I have to see myself as others see me. Now I want to teach you the same. Please, JJ. I want you to see what I see. I know you prize that tough exterior. I even understand it, I think. But I know you on the _inside_. I know who Jennifer Jareau is. And I want _you_ to know her too. She's pretty damn amazing. She may be tough on the outside, but her heart is soft, and it stretches so easily. It even accommodates someone like me. For which I will be forever grateful."

She pushed back at that, sending a teary, sincere smile in his direction. "It didn't take much stretching. You fit right in, just….there." She placed a finger over her sternum.

He smiled back at her. "Right next to Henry." Happy to see her smile in return….and then pushing her. "And your daughter."

Her whole palm covered her chest now. "I'd like to think that. I'd…."

He shook his head, effectively silencing her. "If you're about to disparage my best friend again, I don't want to hear it." He took her hands again, mimicking their pose of before, just as he echoed his words. "I really want you to listen to me. Will you?"

She nodded silently.

"Remember, I'm a genius." Winning a small smile. "So I'm usually right. I'd say 'always', but there's a 0.7 percent chance that I'm wrong, with any given utterance."

This time, the smile went all the way to her eyes, which seemed to satisfy him.

"Seriously. I mean this, because I _know_ this. You are beautiful, in every sense of the word. That you're beautiful on the outside is a given. In fact, I've thought I was going to have to duel for your honor with a few of our LEOs."

She laughed outright at that. _My Spence. How do you always make me laugh?_

He smiled with her, happy that she was actually attending to his words.

"But not as many people get to see the inside like I do. And, please believe me when I tell you, those are some of the most beautiful insides that exist."

She was laughing all over again.

He smiled more broadly. "See, you think I speak in jest. But I'm completely serious." And his features settled, making the point. "You are beautiful on the inside _and_ the outside, Jennifer Jareau. You don't have a malicious bone in your body, you've brought comfort to hundreds of grieving families, you've even pushed Hotch into taking cases just because you saw people hurting. _Hotch." T_ heir equally complex unit chief. And friend. _  
_

He watched again, making sure she was taking it in.

"So, to hear you coming down on yourself for doing something that you thought was _right_ ….for trying to _help_ people, even if the outcome was not what you wanted…..not what _anyone_ would have wanted…..well, it makes me a little bit crazy, if you haven't already figured that out."

He saw gratitude seeping into the deep blue of her eyes, and had to restrain himself from seeping in with it.

Self-derision always helped. "And you know….when it comes to _my_ family…..we're pretty talented with 'crazy'."

That brought her up short. "Stop." She gave him a sharp rap on the chest. "Don't kid around about that. It's not your fault, and it's not your mother's either."

"No," he said, "it just _is_. Just like your losing your daughter. It was _somebody's_ fault. But not _yours_. And I won't have you owning it."

He'd made his point, over and over again, and it had found its target. JJ sniffed, emotionally spent.

"All right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up."

He shook his head. "Wrong again. You _should_ have brought it up, and I'm glad you did. I needed to know you were thinking this way, so I could get you to stop. I'm serious about this, JJ. In case you hadn't noticed."

She snorted derisively. "Yeah, I kind of picked up on that."

"Well?"

She took a moment to consider her words. "Well, I guess I can say this. I truly love you for the way you love me, Spence. Even when I don't think I deserve it, I treasure it. And….I'll try to get there. That's all I can promise."

His gaze bored through her for a full thirty seconds, before he turned in his seat and started the SUV again.

"I'll take it. For now."


	16. Chapter 16

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 16**

They found the rest of the team waiting for them, ready to break for the night after they'd gotten their update. So Reid and JJ made short work of their recap, ending with JJ's report on Farley's having skipped out on the meeting he'd offered to have with the newcomers.

"But we were given his contact information by a woman who seems to be one of the other core members of the group. She didn't seem to think his leaving represented anything but a slip of his mind, and she didn't seem to think he'd mind if we contacted him again."

"What do you two think? Get any vibes from anyone?" Rossi was a big believer in 'vibes'.

The two young agents looked at one another, a little embarrassed that they hadn't covered this, and other case-related topics, in the car. They'd been attending to equally serious, if personal, matters.

Reid spoke for them. "Well, Farley caught my attention by forgetting about us, and he did come across pretty heavy-handed at the beginning of the meeting, threatening anyone who took photos or video with being escorted out of the meeting."

Hotch wasn't sure if that was important. "Was it something he did on his own, or…"

Reid understood, and answered even before the question was out. "No, he cited it as the usual set of rules for the meetings. It could be that he was just charged with making the statement. Maybe it didn't mean anything."

JJ offered another option. "There was this guy, Glenn Cooper, who seemed to be in charge of rallying the troops. It seemed like he was an underling to Farley, but he was the one who brought up the subject of the deaths."

Reid nodded. "And he was the one who raised the idea of them reaching out to the media, using the deaths as evidence that vaccines don't work."

Kate had listened quietly to the whole exchange thus far. But then a thought occurred to her.

"So, it seems like most of the public doesn't realize the infection that killed the kids wasn't covered by the vaccine, right?"

Reid agreed with her. "Only the cause of the first case was made public. Once they realized they had a second case, and where the organism must have come from, they withheld that information, according to Kimura. It's doubtful many people were paying much attention, when it was only one case."

"So...most of the people in this group actually believe their leaders when they say that the vaccine failed. Except for one person…."

"Our unsub." Morgan finished the thought for her. "The one person who knows better." But he didn't want them rushing to premature closure, having learned from the two more experienced men around the table. "But maybe we only _think_ we'll find our unsub there. What if he…or she… _isn't_ a part of this group?"

One of those experienced men had an opinion on that. Hotch spoke up.

"I think it's very likely that the person we're looking for _is_ a member of the group. They'd need a vehicle to make their point about the vaccine, a platform of sorts. They wouldn't trust that the public would infer it, just from the fact that the children have died."

"Hotch is right," agreed Rossi. "We're looking for someone with a message, and whenever one has a message, one has to have a way to make sure the message gets out. According to Garcia, this group represents a coming together of a couple of smaller ones. They thought there would be strength in numbers."

"They may be right about that," noted JJ. "The room was filled to overflowing. It was a pretty impressive turnout."

There was something on Kate's mind. "I've been thinking about that. You said there might have been up to two hundred people there?"

Both JJ and Reid nodded, allowing Kate to move ahead with her point. "So, even assuming they were mostly couples…which is probably not a safe assumption…we're talking about at least a hundred families whose kids have been harmed by vaccines, in just this small a geographic area? Is that even possible?"

Reid opened his mouth to expound on the statistical factors in play, but JJ beat him to it.

"It sounded like a good number of them were there because they were _afraid,_ not because they had experience. Even among the new people…..the ones who stood and shared…there were two different sets of people who cited the same sad story. It turned out both of them knew the same family, but neither of them had been directly affected. So, yes, there are a lot of people _concerned,_ but not so many people with actual experiences."

"Whew," said Kate, widely mopping her brow. "I was beginning to think maybe they were right."

Reid wouldn't be stopped this time.

"If they were, it would represent a remarkable cluster of adverse events. The CDC would have investigated it. According to Kimura, there's been no such investigation, because they've had only the expected number of reports of adverse events from this part of the country."

"All right," said Hotch. "It's late, and there's nothing more we can do tonight. Everybody get some rest. JJ, Reid, you'll connect with Farley tomorrow. I'll get Garcia to run background on him, Cooper and anyone else whose names you can remember."

Reid encouraged JJ to go ahead and leave with the rest. They wouldn't need her. His brain held the full stock of names they'd acquired. He would stay behind and give them to Hotch and Garcia.

"You're exhausted. Go and get some sleep. You know you can use it."

She smiled in gratitude. "Thanks, I will. And..." lowering her voice, "...for before."

He didn't return her smile. Instead, he sent a full bore visual message. _Anytime. Anywhere. Always._

* * *

Once the others had left, and after he and Reid had given Garcia her list of names, Hotch proved once again why he was a unit chief.

"Is everything all right?"

Reid had long since learned to respect, and trust, his superior's instincts. There was no point in artifice. Sort of.

"She just had a tough time listening to some of the stories. You know, thinking about Henry. He's so young, he only finished his vaccines a year or so ago."

Hotch stared at him for a long moment, taking measure. _There's more to this, isn't there?_

Reid stared right back. _Please don't ask. I've got it covered._

The trust Reid had in his unit chief was returned, in kind. Hotch let it go.

"Correction. Henry finished his _first_ round of vaccines. Jack's just getting old enough to start on his _second_ round. I think I'm glad I wasn't at that meeting."

* * *

In the morning, they met over pastry and coffee at the sheriff's office. Reid was pleased to see Kimura looking more like her energetic, competent self.

"No fever?"

She smiled. "No fever, no headache. I've already been by the health department. We've decided on daily blood cultures for me and Dr. Archer, until we're past the danger period. Between that kind of surveillance, and the prophylactic antibiotics, we should be fine."

He was relieved. "You don't know how glad I am to hear that."

She nodded. "Actually, I do. I've been there myself a time or two, Dr. Reid." The use of his full title had become an expression of affection. "Especially regarding a couple of FBI agents I've come to know."

One of those FBI agents now joined them at the table. JJ yawned as she set her coffee down.

"Couldn't sleep?" asked Reid, who'd had his own troubled repose.

"Interrupted sleep. I set my alarm for 4 AM, so I could talk to Henry before he went to school."

Kimura hadn't yet heard about the anti-vaxxer meeting, and misunderstood. "Oh, is he all right?"

"He's fine. His mother just needed to hear his voice."

Reid caught her eyes. "And how does his mother feel now?" Asking so much more than that.

He return gaze answered 'that much more', but all she said was, "Much better."

While they waited for the rest to assemble, Reid filled Kimura in on the meeting, and their plans to follow up with Farley today. The infectious disease expert sighed.

"There are some very sad stories out there. But, even given what you've told me, most of the things that happened to those poor parents' children couldn't possibly have been caused by a vaccine."

Reid nodded. "I know. The timelines mostly don't work with what we know about the immune system and how it responds. It's why we crafted _our_ story the way we did. A fever coming a full month after a vaccine _can't_ have been caused by it. So our hypothetical son's problems can't have been caused by getting him immunized. And we played it that we weren't sure, but were suspicious. So it will be interesting to see if anybody tries to convince us, either way."

Kimura nodded. "It sounds like Mr. Farley will be someone interesting to speak with. Once this is over, maybe I can talk with him as well. If I can convince the leader of the group, maybe I can get some of the others to listen to me. Or _he_ can get them to listen."

Rossi had joined them at the table, and heard the last part of the conversation. "Only if he's not our unsub."

Morgan followed Hotch and Kate through the door, and the meeting began.

"Garcia has sent background on as many members of the group as she could. It should be loading on your tablets," advised Hotch. "The main information of interest so far is on Glen Cooper. It seems as though he may be a hired publicist. He's been involved in 'causes' before."

"Such as?" asked Kate.

Morgan had already spoken with Garcia this morning. "There was a dispute about logging rights about a decade ago. Cooper worked with the environmental group."

"Always on the side of the underdog, then?" wondered Rossi.

"It seems that way." Hotch acknowledged the point, and then reinforced it. "Before that, he represented several chambers of commerce who were trying to keep a coffee chain franchise operation out of their towns."

JJ remarked, "If he's a hired hand, he's a pretty convincing one. I would never have guessed, from how fired up he got last night, that he didn't have a personal stake in it."

"We don't know that he doesn't," Kate pointed out. " _Anybody_ can have a belief. Maybe he knows someone, or cares about someone, whom he believes was hurt by a vaccine."

Understanding that Kate might be right, Reid made a suggestion. "Can we follow the money? See if he's being paid? Not that they might not pay him anyway, if that's how he makes his living. But if he's doing it as a volunteer, that says something about his motivation."

At a look from Hotch, Morgan pulled out his phone to get his Baby Girl working on the money angle. But the unit chief had already decided on how they would handle the rest of it.

"So far, Cooper sounds like our best bet. If he's a hired hand, then he may have less of a stake in the cause, and be less protective of the group. That makes him a good entry point for us. So, Kate and Morgan, talk to the people he's talked to in the media, see if you can get a feel for him. Then talk to him. Officially."

 _Officially._ Rossi scrutinized his old friend, realizing he might be up to something. _May as well get him to put it on the table._ So he made an observation.

"Up until now, we've kept the serial nature of this in the dark. Hell, we've kept the _homicidal_ nature of this in the dark. Once the FBI starts asking questions 'officially', it will be out there. Are we worried about that?"

The set of Hotch's lips turned up, just slightly, at the corners, as he realized his old friend had just caught him out.

"We are. But we haven't got much to go on at this point. It's a gamble. But I'm gambling that even those who are terrified of vaccines are _more_ terrified of having unleashed a serial killer. I'm hoping the court of public opinion will decide in our favor."

Then he turned his attention to his two youngest agents. "But it's safer if we don't fully tip our hand yet. Contact Farley, get him to agree to meet with you, as Mr. and Mrs. Prentiss. We're better off having the two of you profiling from the inside than we are relying on the good nature of people who may not own one."

The two agents in question nodded their assent. When the meeting broke a few minutes later, they talked about who should make the call.

"I think a female voice might elicit more sympathy, don't you?" offered JJ.

Reid agreed. "Not that it should, but, yes. Go ahead."

So JJ tried the cell number she'd been given by Eloise, and it was answered on the third ring.

"Mr. Farley? I'm sorry to bother you. This is Anna Prentiss. I was at the meeting last night, with my husband?" Voice rising, asking if he remembered them.

JJ paused to listen to something Farley said, then responded.

"That's right. No, it's fine, really. You're so busy, it's not surprising you'd forget something now and then. But….and I hope it was all right….we really did have some questions, so someone gave us your number."

Another pause, then JJ's reply.

"Eloise." Looking at Reid, who deduced Farley wanted to know who was giving out his personal contact information. "But please don't be upset with her. She saw that we…. that _I_ ….was having a bit of a hard time, and she was only trying to help."

Another pause, during which JJ ignored Reid's raised eyebrows. "Of course. I won't take up much of your time. Yes, thank you. Eleven it is."

Reid waited her out while she closed the call. Then, _'I'_?"

"I know. Sorry. It just hit me….and I can't even say why. But I thought I heard something in his voice….I can't even explain it, but something told me to imply that you and I didn't quite see eye to eye on things."

Reid trusted JJ implicitly, including her instincts. But he wasn't quite following this one.

"But….last night, I thought we put on a pretty good show of a united front. Will he believe there's discord?"

She acknowledged his point. "I know. I thought of that. But….maybe the disagreement can be over what we want to do about it? Maybe I just want information, and you want to be more aggressive?"

He mulled it over for a few minutes.

"Okay….I think I can go with that. You might be right, actually. If we're coming at this from different points of view, we'll have a better chance of connecting with the different factions within the group. And it doesn't hurt to let them think there's a place they can put a wedge between us. Makes us more approachable, in a perverse way."

She'd been sending him a sarcastic smile since just a few words into his statement.

" _Might_? I _might_ be right? Admit it. You just wish you'd thought of it."

A mischievous look crossed his face. "All right, it was a good idea. It's just that….if _I'd_ thought of it….it would have been a _genius_ idea."

JJ threw her rolled up napkin at him. "Come on, Genius. Let's get rolling. I want to get a look at the area before we meet."


	17. Chapter 17

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 17**

"Looks pretty benign." Reid appraised the neighborhood surrounding Farley's home. "I guess I'm just interested that we're meeting here, rather than at his place of work."

"Maybe he works off shift. Not everyone is 9 to 5, remember."

He chuckled. "Yeah. Like us."

"Got that right." They'd just turned a corner, and were now driving on a road perpendicular to the one Farley lived on. "Spence, look."

Reid looked in the direction JJ indicated, to the opening of Farley's street. There, he saw a yellow caution sign that read, 'Autistic Child In Area'.

"Wow. I've seen signs for deaf and blind, but never for autistic."

 _Maybe we should have had a 'Caution, Schizophrenic' sign for our street, when I was a kid._

"Yeah, I didn't even know they made them. But I guess it makes sense. Depending on the kid, he or she may or may not have any kind of judgment for safety."

The fact that Farley had gotten one installed near his place of residence indicated that his child might be one of those children.

"So, Farley is probably being truthful about his autistic child. And he may genuinely believe that a vaccine caused the autism," summarized Reid. "The question is, is he angry enough about it to hurt other peoples' children?"

JJ didn't quite agree. "I don't know that he needs to be _angry_. It could just have made him a little crazy. Like, he doesn't even see that he's hurting people, because he's so intent on making his point."

"Which is?"

"That vaccines aren't worth the risk. That no other parent should have to go through what he went through. What he's _going_ through."

Reid threw a look in her direction. "You sound like you can relate."

"I think every parent can, Spence. From the moment your child is born, you start worrying about all the things that can go wrong, and trying to fend them off, even if it doesn't make any sense."

He was silent for a long time after that, prompting her to ask. "Do you think I'm wrong?"

He shook himself out of his reverie. "No. No, not at all. It's just….. I guess I'd just always thought I was being paranoid. I thought maybe I'd learned it from my mother, you know? How to assume the worst would happen, and that the fates would conspire against you."

She squinted at him, unsure. "I don't understand what you're saying."

He sighed. "From the moment you asked me to be Henry's godfather, I've been on the lookout. _Literally._ Looking for dangers. For injustices. For people whose intentions were suspect. I didn't think I should say anything, because I thought it was bad enough that _one_ of us was going crazy for his sake. I didn't know you were going through it too."

"Really?" Head tilted, taking measure.

"Really. I know, it's weird, right?"

She smiled, shaking her head.

"Not weird. Lovely."

Here, she'd been trying to explain parenthood to him, only to discover he'd been _living_ it, after a fashion…for _her_ son. "So, you know, then. Imagine it was Henry." Not able to restrain a shiver, in spite of herself. "Is there anything you wouldn't do?"

He took her quite literally, giving it a full thirty seconds' consideration. "Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes. I wouldn't hurt anyone else. What kind of example would that set? I would be trying to teach Henry about empathy, and altruism, and…."

"He's six years old, Spence."

No matter that it was JJ who'd said it, Reid took offense on behalf of his godson.

"There's no age limit to kindness, is there? In fact, I think I've learned quite a bit about it from him."

She was a both amused and touched at his defense of his godson.

"Touche. So have I. So, yes, you're right. _Most_ people would restrain themselves, at some point. But not everyone sees the world the way you do. I can imagine someone becoming so angry at their lot in life that they don't care who else suffers. They _can't_ care _._ They just need to act, no matter who gets in the way."

He threw her another look. "Yeah, and you and I have both seen some of those people turn into serial killers."

The ones who acted on impulse, and found it invigorating, stimulating, often _sexually_ stimulating.

"Don't you think _most_ of our unsubs get started by not inhibiting an urge, just a single time?" he continued. "And then they get some positive feedback from it, no matter how perverse we might think it is, and, before they know it, they're giving in to the urge again."

"Do you think that's what's happened here?"

Grimacing in disgust even before hearing Reid's response. No matter that this case was different from their usual. It was always harder for JJ to profile when the victim was a child, because she was so repulsed at the idea of entering the thought process of the killer.

"Not the gratification. Not like that, anyway. This _can't_ have been totally impulsive. There had to have been some planning that went into it, some idea that there would have to be more than one case, for anyone to take notice."

"That's almost worse, don't you think? I mean, if that's what happened, this is someone who actually _planned_ to be a serial killer."

"In some ways, yes. Because it has to be a person who's either no longer relating to their own basic personality….or it's a sociopa….."

His voice had trailed off in that way that had become so familiar to her, prompting JJ to look at him full on. As expected, there was 'that look' on his face.

"What?"

"Call Garcia. Have her run those names again. Look for someone who's had psychiatric care, or at least counseling. But have her also trace them back as far as she can. See if there are any sealed records on them, as juveniles."

"You know she's not supposed to…." There had been a little hot water over some 'accidental' unsealing, in years past.

He gave her a look. "I'm not trying to get her in trouble again. She doesn't have to open them. I just want to know if there _are_ any."

JJ nodded. "Because a sociopath would have exhibited those tendencies early. I'll have her see if she can come up with anything in school records as well."

Also often sealed. But departments of education were often not as mindful of those kinds of legalities as were departments of child welfare, or departments of correction.

"We can at least see if anyone was in an alternative education setting."

Reid gave her a grin. "Good thinking."

The night before, JJ had been sent off to bed before Reid and Hotch gave Garcia the list of names.

"Exactly how many people does she have to research?"

"Eighty couples and a few singles."

"Eighty? How did you come up with that many? It was mostly the newcomers who stood up and spoke."

"The list."

"The list?"

"When we signed in, remember? I turned it so Eloise could read our names properly. That gave me an extra minute to scan the names."

"Upside down?!"

He gave her a purposefully superior smile. "You know, Emily used to show me these little things on Facebook, 'Can you read this?'…..some were upside down, some had backwards letters, some incorrect letters. I couldn't believe anyone thought they were special just because they could decode them. It's a natural pattern in the brain, to meld letters, or figures, and create a single entity called a 'word'. The brain seeks closure, so it fills in any gaps, or irregularities. It required no special skill on my part to read the list upside down."

"No, just to memorize it and recite it back." She'd mumbled the words to herself.

"Huh?"

"Nothing. Okay, so you gave her the names of everyone there."

"No. I gave her the names of everyone who signed in before we did. I didn't get a chance to get back to the list after the meeting was over. Eloise had it in her hand, folded."

She nodded. "So we have the names of _almost_ everyone who attended. It would be good to round out the rest, though."

"And the ones who weren't there."

JJ thought on that for a moment. "Right. So, how do you propose we get the rest? Do we call Eloise?"

Reid considered it. "Maybe. Let's get Garcia going on what we have. After we talk to Farley, we may have a better idea of how to approach Eloise."

* * *

Sheriff Taylor had been good enough to put Morgan and Callahan in touch with several print and television reporters who often covered crime stories. Taylor was viewed as being media-friendly, which made them more inclined to work with him.

"I always figure, they're out there anyway. May as well work _with_ them as against them. So, when it counts, I can get them to work with me."

Morgan remarked, "JJ should be here. We didn't have quite such enlightened law enforcement members when she was media liaison."

"That's right." Kate had been with the FBI long enough to have been aware of the blonde profiler's past field of expertise. She'd seen JJ on her television screen more than once. "I'll bet Hotch would have assigned her to this, if she hadn't already been under cover. Funny how we kind of switched roles, isn't it?"

To Morgan, it sounded like Kate was unsure of herself. "You're as qualified to talk to the media as anybody else, Shorty." Purposely using the nickname he'd coined. "And, yeah, I think once Blondie and the Kid established themselves with the antivaxxers, it only made sense for them to continue."

Kate was quiet a few moments, as they drove along. Then, "They work well together, don't they? JJ and Reid, I mean." _Blondie and the Kid._

Once again, Morgan wondered if he'd understood her. "They're fine together. All of us are. You, me, Rossi, Hotch. It doesn't matter how we're split up." Turning to look at her for a full on for a second. "Does it?"

That was the moment that Kate realized she'd slipped up. "Oh, no, Morgan, I never meant to imply…" She put a hand to her chest. "I'm so sorry. Please don't think….."

She looked genuinely distressed, making Morgan ease up on his look of scrutiny. But it didn't mean he wouldn't continue to probe. He'd been through too much, was too experienced, to chance something going wrong just because he didn't understand her.

"Is there something you want to tell me, Callahan?"

 _Callahan. Less formal than Kate, more formal than Shorty. So, he's sort of pissed, but not sure he should be,_ she surmised.

Kate explained. "It's just…..I lost a partner, when I was working in New York. We worked together so well, that after a while we could anticipate one another's moves, even one another's words. Which is what made us slip up. We got cocky. We took it for granted that we would know how to communicate, so we slacked off on our planning. But then, one day, we were in a situation where we _couldn't_ communicate. You know, because we were in the middle of our prey. And there was just this one thing that I thought he was trying to do, but apparently he wasn't, and….well, they had both of us at gunpoint. And I think Rick purposely sacrificed himself for me."

Morgan threw a quick glance sideways from the driver's seat. "He…"

"Yes. He was killed. But his drawing their attention gave me a chance to escape."

They drove along in silence for a few blocks after that, as Morgan recalled his own history of losses. Boston stood out against all the rest, but there had definitely been others. Finally, he was ready to speak.

"I'm sorry, Kate. Really. I can relate to it completely. But you can't carry guilt around. There were two of you involved in it."

She nodded. "I know. I know it in my head. It's my heart that doesn't want to acknowledge it."

A bitter laugh came from the mouth of the male profiler. "You've got company there."

A shiver ran through Kate as she tried to shake off her memory. "Anyway…..it's just that JJ and Reid remind me of me and Rick. They're so close, and I can tell that sometimes they communicate without even speaking. I guess I'm just worried about them getting into the same kind of trouble."

Something about what she'd said rang true to Morgan, even as he tried to downplay it. "Ah, don't worry about them, Shorty. Pretty Boy's a genius. And, to tell you the truth, I don't think Blondie is all that far behind him."

Kate smiled. "Yeah, you're probably right. It's silly, anyway. It's not like anyone in this group is shooting at people, or stabbing them."

Even as she was speaking the words, she realized they weren't true. She exchanged a worried glance with Morgan.

He said it for both of them. "Except with a needle."

And, like Reid and JJ, they were on their way to meet with one of them, this very minute.

* * *

Linda Kimura closed out her videoconference with the CDC just as Hotch entered the room.

"You look worried," he observed. _And flushed._

"There are three vials of the serotype missing," she announced.

Hotch's brow furrowed. "How many exist, all together?"

"Five."

"So, with three missing…."

"I think we need to be worried about other cities. It could be that this is a bigger operation than we thought. I've had the CDC send out a national advisory, so that any cases of invasive pneumococcal disease will be reported out, as quickly as they are diagnosed."

Hotch spent a moment chewing on it, then asked, "Do I need to get more teams involved?"

She shook her head in frustration. "Not yet. I'm afraid we're at the point where we need something else to happen before we can have a direction to move in. And that could very well mean another child's life."

* * *

After cruising the neighborhood for about twenty minutes, Reid made the final turn onto Farley's street. It was nearly eleven, and they would be precisely on time for their meeting, in keeping with their roles as anxious parents.

As they traveled slowly down the street, seeking the correct house number, JJ saw him.

"There….see, on the right. That's Farley. Looks like he's waiting for us outside."

Reid saw as she did, and pulled over directly in front of the Farley home. As he shut off the ignition, he asked, "Ready for this?"

"Ready."


	18. Chapter 18

**A.N. A much-delayed but heartfelt 'thanks' to all of you who have been supportive of this story. It's got a long way to go. But we'll get there.**

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 18**

Harold Farley came to greet the Prentiss' as they pulled up in front of his house. JJ rolled down her window, allowing Farley to speak with them. He leaned in, his face very close to hers.

"Sorry about last night, folks. I have to admit, I completely forgot I'd offered to meet with you. Please accept my apologies."

"We understand," said Reid. "We're just grateful that you were able to speak with us today. I'm sure you're very busy."

"It's just luck that I was able to. I work one weekend a month. When it's my weekend, I get a day during the week before, and a day the week after. This is my 'week before'."

Anna Prentiss was curious…..and so was JJ. "Oh. What is it that you do, Mr. Farley?"

"Harold, please. No need to be formal. I work in IT over at LC Wood Products. It's one of the biggest manufacturers in the area."

Reid spoke up this time. "They have a seven-day-a-week operation?"

Farley nodded. "They do. A lot of it is automated these days, so it's important to have someone on site, for trouble shooting. Plus I help out with some of the payroll, retirement and health care programs."

"Well, I'm glad you were able to meet with us, but sorry we're using up some of your day off. We'll try not to take too much of it."

Reid stepped out of the SUV, prompting Farley to move back, so JJ could do the same.

"Why don't you two come on in? I put on a pot of coffee just before I came outside."

They followed him up the walk. As they entered the house, they could hear an alarm system announcing their arrival. Reid thought he knew why it was in place, but decided he'd like to hear it from Farley.

"Have there been burglaries in the neighborhood?"

At first, Farley didn't seem to understand, but then the light went on.

"Oh, the system. No, that's more to keep the inside from getting out, rather than the outside from getting in. My son is autistic, and he's a bit of a runner. Even though we try to keep an eye on him, sometimes all it takes is a few seconds, and he's out the door."

JJ grimaced. "Sounds tough. How old is he?"

"Mark is nine. He was normal….or so we thought…..until he was about a year and a half. Just a few months after he had his…."

"His MMR?" provided Reid. "That's the one, isn't it? That causes autism?" Deciding which camp he would be in.

Farley gave a sad nod. "It is. Oh, I know there are people who say it's not true, but I have a tendency to believe the original study. There was too much impetus for big pharma to influence the subsequent ones."

If Reid was going to be the 'informed' parent, JJ would be the uninformed. "I don't understand. Who is big pharma?"

Reid purposely answered at the same time as Farley, forming a bond of sorts. "The pharmaceutical industry." Then he gave Farley an apologetic grin for having interrupted. Farley continued alone.

"The cost of raising even a single child with autism is so high. Certainly for the family, but also for the school system, the taxpayers…everyone. If they had to acknowledge the study linking the vaccine with autism, the vaccine manufacturers would be on the line for all of that money. It would put them out of business."

"But…..I guess I don't understand," said JJ. "Wouldn't that be a _good_ thing? I mean, if vaccines are hurting our children, _shouldn't_ their manufacturers be shut down?"

Farley seemed relieved to be speaking to a kindred soul. "I'm with you, Anna. But that's not how things work. The government seems to think they're too big to fail…they employ a lot of people, and they make a lot of other types of medicines. Ironically, some of them make drugs that treat some of the symptoms of the problems they cause."

JJ looked appalled. "So they make money on both ends of things? They make something that hurts children, then make more money on treating the ways they hurt them?! That's outrageous!"

Reid sent his 'wife' a triumphant look. "I told you, didn't I? The government and the drug companies are together in this. Why else require us to put poison into our children?"

"But, I still don't understand. Why would the government want to hurt children? It still doesn't make sense to me, Eric."

Farley was intrigued by the exchange between husband and wife. "Sounds like you two don't quite see eye to eye on this."

That brought Eric up short. Apparently he hadn't meant to show this relative stranger that there was something amiss in his family. He pulled out a chair for his wife, then took his own seat at the kitchen table.

"Anna just always thinks the best of people. She's an optimist. Me….I'm a realist. I think we need to look at the world around us, evaluate it for what it is, and act accordingly. And the world around our family, these days, is telling us that our completely healthy and normal six year old son has a severe learning disability. I think it was the damn vaccine, but Anna wants to hear it from someone else."

JJ took her cue. "It's just that….well, I'd always assumed if I did all the right things…followed his doctor's advice, gave him all the right foods, made sure he had all the opportunities for his development….you know…that if I just kept him safe, and brought him for his checkups, got him his shots…..I thought I was doing the right thing for Morgan. I was a fanatic during the pregnancy, just ask Eric."

She threw a small smile toward her husband, who returned it.

Farley filled in the rest as he poured three mugs of coffee. "And you found out it wasn't enough."

JJ shook her head. "Not just that it wasn't enough. Now it seems like I was wrong! Like I did the wrong thing, letting Morgan's doctor give him shots. I just trusted…I don't think I ever even read those things they give you every time you go in."

Farley's head moved in a knowing nod. "The disclaimers. I know, the CDC makes them, and they tell you all sorts of horrible things about the disease...and only a very little bit about what can go wrong when you get the vaccine."

"I read those things in detail," said Reid. "I had to look them up on line, because Anna hadn't kept them. But, now that I've seen them, I'm underwhelmed. They leave out more than they tell you."

He had Farley's attention now. "How so?"

Reid was on a roll. "They're careful to tell you that the most noticeable symptoms, the things no parent would miss…..fever, seizures….they make it a point to tell you how rare they are. But, the things that take time to show up…" He looked pointedly at his wife, "….like severe learning disabilities….they don't seem to mention those at all."

His wife sounded distressed as she replied. "But I asked his doctor, and he said that's because they don't think learning disabilities are _related_ to vaccines."

Farley turned his attention to Anna now. "Do _you_ think they are?"

She gave an unhappy shrug as she shook her head. "I don't know! That's why we came last night. We wanted to learn about it from people who know the other side of the story. Our doctor says 'no', and Eric says 'yes', and I don't know _what_ to think!" Distress amplifying with every word.

Pushing back his chair, Farley said, "I have some informational materials in the spare bedroom. Let me get you a couple of things."

The house was too small to permit a conversation that couldn't be overheard, so JJ and Reid spent the few moments scanning their surroundings. It was only a minute or two before Farley returned to the kitchen with a handful of pamphlets. He split them between the couple.

"Here. We've put together what we could find in terms of studies and expert opinions. There's one for each vaccine."

"It was the DtaP that gave him the fever." Anna's voice was very small.

Farley helped her find the appropriate pamphlet, and then pulled his chair over to read it with her.

"See…..it's associated with high fevers, and even seizures. Very obviously, it affects the brain. There's no reason to think that it isn't capable of causing small enough areas of damage that you wouldn't see it right away, but that show up later, when they start school." He'd paraphrased what one of the pamphlets' experts had said.

"Damn it." Reid said it softly, as though he hadn't meant to be heard. But he had. And Farley had heard him.

"What is it?"

"Damn it. I knew. I _knew_ it. I knew that fever was hurting him somehow. But I….we…." remembering his wife, "…we couldn't see it. So we actually let them give him another dose of that poison. And now look what's happened!" His fist hit the table.

"Eric, calm down. It's not Mr. Farley's fault. He's trying to help us."

Farley was accommodating. "It's all right. I understand the anger. But I also know it has to be channeled. Believe me, my wife will tell you that as well. I wasn't easy to live with, for a long time. Now….well, I'm trying to fight the good fight."

Reid was earnest. "Tell us how to fight it with you."

Farley looked back and forth between them, his eyes squinting just a bit as he tried to assess them better. Then, apparently, the assessment was completed. He'd decided.

"Okay. As you know, our esteemed governmental representatives recently passed legislation that will essentially make it impossible for a parent to exercise their own judgement on whether or not to have their children vaccinated. As you might expect, the members of our group vigorously opposed this legislation, but we weren't heard. So, now, we have to find a way to be….. _louder_ , if you will. More difficult to ignore. That's what Glenn Cooper was talking about at last night's meeting. If you're willing to follow his direction, I'll connect you with him."

The Prentiss' looked at one another and then back to Farley. Anna spoke for them.

"We're in."

* * *

JJ drove back so Reid could look through the pamphlets. They'd only gone a few blocks when he looked up, shaking his head angrily.

"That was quick even for you, wasn't it?" she observed.

"That's because they all pretty much say the same thing. They cite a few genuine studies, ones I read on the plane, to make them look legitimate. But, apart from that one infamous study about the MMR, there is no evidence at all offered about vaccines causing harm. Just 'expert opinion', most of it rendered by one man. Dr. Adam Mansfield."

It had been a long time since she'd heard him sound quite so irate. "So…we need to find out more about him, I guess."

Reid already had his phone out, and was soon talking to Garcia. "Get anything you can on him…education, practice, research, publications. Anything."

"From what you tell me, it sounds like maybe I should be looking for a criminal record, too."

Reid was as angry as Eric Prentiss had been. "This man feeds on people's fears, and has turned parental guilt into a growth industry. If he doesn't have a criminal record yet, we need to get him one."

* * *

They met up with the others at the sheriff's office, Kimura joining them after she completed another conference call with her CDC colleagues. Reid wondered if the flush in her cheeks was only because of her rushed gait.

"Sorry. There was some disagreement on how much information to release."

That alarmed Aaron Hotchner, who was accustomed to being the determiner of what was released, and when.

"What do you mean?

Kimura explained. "We can't just ask the medical community to be hypervigilant about invasive pneumococcal disease without explaining something about why. You have to understand, physicians are used to thinking and operating pretty independently. They won't just follow orders without being given a reason to do so."

Kate thought that was reasonable. "Because they're concerned for their patients, right? They feel like they need to know everything, in case their patients might be in danger."

Kimura smiled at the acknowledgement of medical altruism. "That's true. But they also tend to have…hmm…"struggling to find the right phrasing, "….intellectual egos, I guess. They tend to think that they might be able to come up with something that no one else has considered."

"They might be right," advised Reid, who often suffered from 'intellectual ego syndrome' himself.

Kimura agreed. "They might. Which is why there was so much discussion. Basically, it was about the difference between phrasing: 'a strain of pneumococcus not covered by the vaccines', versus the specifics of the strain. There are a few people who want us to be completely open, but most of us….and I'm one of the 'most'…thought we should leave it vague. Especially since we're not sure how the strain got out there."

Rossi didn't quite understand why anyone would want to release the specific information. "Aren't they all aware of the breach? Or is that whatever the CDC version of 'classified' is?"

"Most of them realize it was the strain the lab was working on. But they may not realize how engineered the strain had become. They may think it might have arisen in nature."

Hotch wanted to be clear. "And we're certain that it could not have?"

Kimura's lips shaped into a wry smile. "I'm a scientist, Agent Hotchner. I know the statistics, which say that this is extremely unlikely to have arisen in nature. But…I'm a scientist, which means I know to never say never."

"Understood." Hotch was a _behavioral_ scientist. The organism was _behaving_ as though it was the manufactured version. He would go with the odds.

Reid and JJ filled the others in on their meeting with Farley, his offer to connect them with Cooper, and the pamphlets. Reid didn't even try to constrain his contempt.

"Garcia's working on him. Mansfield reads like a predator. Like someone who knows a parent's worst fear and knows exactly how to feed it."

Morgan had rarely seen Reid quite so angry during an investigation. "But what does he get out of it? Is he selling something? Is there some sort of counter-product he's hawking?"

Rossi knew, from personal experience. "He gets fame, and fortune. He doesn't _need_ a product. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that the 'product' is _him_. Appearance fees can be rather lucrative."

Morgan was beginning to understand Reid's attitude. "So all he has to do is declare himself an expert, tell people what they want to hear…and he's got it made?"

JJ's sarcasm rose to the surface. "Derek, haven't you ever seen an infomercial?"

Their discussion was interrupted when Garcia sounded on the laptop at the head of the table.

"Hello, my peeps. I come to you bearing information."

Reid was anxious to hear. "What have you got, Garcia?"

"Alas, my dear genius, I'm afraid I'm about to disappoint you. There's no dirt. But there's no accomplishment, either. As far as I can tell, Dr. Mansfield came out of nowhere, and announced himself an expert in vaccine injury."

Kimura was intrigued. "Where did he go to school, Penelope?"

"Off shore. Caribbean school, it looks like. But he did a residency in the states, in internal medicine, in…..1991."

"Not pediatrics?" JJ had thought all vaccine experts would be pediatricians.

Kimura wasn't surprised at the specialty. "It's not a requirement. I'm an internist as well, remember. What we all have in common is our subspecialty….either infectious disease, like me, or immunology."

Garcia didn't know anything about medical specialties or subspecialties. But she had more information to impart.

"Dr. Mansfield did some research when he was a resident…something about bladder infections….but nothing else, that I could find. And you know, crimefighters, if I can't find it, it is simply not there to be found."

JJ wanted more. "Pen, when did he get into the area of vaccines?"

"Ah, my girl brings us to the only thing of real interest here. Well, it seems that Dr. Mansfield finished his residency, and then ten months passed before he took up employment again."

"Taking time off, or he couldn't find a job?" wondered Morgan.

Kimura had a different idea. "Did he take his board exams, Penelope?"

A second's hesitation, then, "Oh, I didn't think to look. It just said he was board-eligible. I didn't even think to figure out what that means."

Kimura didn't need the help. "If he's still only board eligible, fourteen years after residency, it probably means he's failed his board exams, multiple times."

"Why am I not surprised," said Reid. "Garcia, what was the job he got?"

"He was hired to work in occupational health for a company near Vancouver,Washington. Looks like it was a logging firm."

JJ and Reid exchanged a look. Farley worked with the wood industry as well. Maybe there was a connection.

Garcia was still talking. "And then, about seven years ago, he left that position and the only thing information I can find on him is in those pamphlets. There's no criminal record, he lives comfortably in Vancouver, but I don't see a current source of income."

"Which might mean he's being paid by the coalition, to say what the coalition wants him to say, but under the table," offered Kate. The others nodded in agreement.

Hotch felt like they were getting off track. "All right. So, when the time is right, we can 'out' Dr. Mansfield. But, right now, focusing on him doesn't seem to bring us any closer to the person who is infecting these children. Let's get back to that, shall we? Morgan, Kate…..we haven't heard from you yet."

The two looked at one another, Kate offering to defer to her partner. So Morgan recounted their meeting with Glenn Cooper.

"He's a believer, even though he's also a hired gun. Said he didn't have any children himself, but someone important to him had a child injured by a vaccine. So he donates some of his hours, since the group can't afford his usual fee, but he's an official mouthpiece for them."

Reid was curious. "Did he seem strongly driven? Or is he just tolerating their stance?"

Kate spoke up. "So, it's weird. His words and his tone didn't match. He almost sounded like he didn't really believe the goods he was selling, but he cared too much about this other person to let them down."

"How _much_ does he care?" asked Rossi, meaningfully. "If he's childless, it's possible he doesn't relate to the damage he's doing by infecting the children. Especially if he's completely devoted to this 'other person'."

Hotch agreed. "It's a form of narcissism. He's promoting his own best interest by looking out for the interest of someone important to him."

Kimura had never before been present for the team's deliberations. "Are you saying you think it's him?" The phrasing had made it seem so.

Reid assured her. "We're just putting forth a theory on how it might have worked, if it i _s_ him. But we're not ready to make a full profile yet." Turning to Hotch. "Are we?"

Hotch's brow was furrowed. Very young, innocent lives were at stake in this case, and he didn't like where they were with the investigation. "Reid is right. We're not ready. But we don't have much time. If the coalition wants to take advantage of these deaths, it either needs to get the word out very quickly, or…"

JJ knew where he was going, and her heart sank at the idea. "Or they'll need another death."

They all knew she was right. Reid rallied to the challenge.

"All right. So, obviously, we need to figure out 'who'. But we can also look at 'how'. It's not likely they're sneaking up on children and injecting them, like they did with Dr. Kimura." Using her formal title, in the formal setting. "So, there must be some other commonality to how they're getting the infection into the kids."

Kimura knew that one. "All of the children were between four and five years of age. Each of them had been in for an annual check-up somewhere between two and four weeks before they became ill. They all received several vaccines at those visits."

Reid had been doing quite a bit of reading. "Four weeks sounds pretty long for an incubation period. Are we sure that's relevant?"

Kimura agreed with him. "It's what threw us off, initially. Until we realized that one of our armed forces colleagues was working on a weapons-grade variant of the organism. Part of the weaponization is the prolonged period of relative health after the exposure."

Rossi whistled. "So you could infect a populace, lull them into complacence that everything was okay…and then…wham-o! They're all sick."

The look on Kimura's face was grim. "Exactly. It wasn't something most of the lab knew about."

It happened entirely without warning, as it always did. All it ever seemed to take was one word, one image. One second, he was with the rest, and the next, he was somewhere else. Usually, it was the loft. But, this time, Reid's mind flashed on Diane, and Maeve, and the lab they'd shared, however briefly. He visualized the young woman who'd ruined his life as she gleefully concocted a potion that could kill with such abandon.

And then he was back. And somebody was talking to him.

"Spence? Did you hear me?"

Concern evident in her voice. She'd seen this happen a dozen times last year, but she hadn't seen it since. And it worried her. But she didn't want it to worry Hotch. She didn't want to give him the chance to see what she'd seen. So she covered.

"Earth to Spencer..." praying she'd struck the humorous tone she'd been going for, "I know you were calculating incubation periods, but…..what I was asking was if you thought there was a reason to suspect they were using one vaccine over another."

Kimura had already weighed in, but even she was interested in what their genius had to say.

It took him a long second to reorient, but he got there. "It's more likely the DtaP or the polio. There would be more certainty of success with an intramuscular injection."

Kimura nodded. It was what she'd thought as well. "I agree. But I would also like to be cautious. For now, I'll ask for an advisory against giving _all_ pre-kindergarten vaccines."

"That's giving them what they want, isn't it?" asked Kate.

Kimura was grim. "For now, they get to win. We can't afford to lose another child."

* * *

The meeting broke with JJ and Reid planning to meet with Glenn Cooper,and Kimura tending to her advisory. The others would sift through the reams of information Garcia had provided on the eighty-plus names Reid had given her from the meeting attendance list.

"We need our young genius here for this," Rossi observed, waving at the stack of printouts before him.

Hotch smiled. "I'll try to get Kimura to clone him."

Rossi wasn't the least bit fooled by his old friend's response. He'd brought up Reid for a reason.

"You saw it?"

"I did."

"And?"

"And, it's part of the process. Just like we heard….an incubation period can be affected by the depth of penetration." He paused, for effect. "So can healing."


	19. Chapter 19

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 19**

JJ offered to drive again, and wasn't all that surprised when Reid took her up on it. She gave him a few minutes of silence before breaking in.

"You okay?"

"Me? Why?"

 _Uh-uh, mister. If I have to talk about it, so do you._ "Because you weren't, just a little while ago."

When she saw that he was about to play ignorant, she nailed him with a head-tilted, eyebrows-up, 'don't even try it' expression. He barely needed any of his IQ points to read that one. Reid knew when he'd been bested.

"All right. But it was just for a few seconds…..wasn't it?" Suddenly not so sure, and wondering if he had blanked out on the entire team.

"If that. Maybe I'm just sensitive to it. Except…"

"Except what?"

"I think Hotch might have seen it."

"Oh, great," rolling his eyes. Reid wasn't comfortable with _anyone_ worrying about him, let alone his unit chief.

"And Rossi."

The young genius slumped in his seat. "And the others?"

"No, I don't think so. Not that I noticed, anyway."

"Thank God for small favors."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Spence. It happens. And I happen to know that you already know that." _From all those times you told it to me._

He was shaking his head in a mixture of frustration and disgust. "I thought it was behind me. It hadn't happened in a long time, and I thought I was past it."

Even as he said the words, even as he had to acknowledge them as true, Reid felt the familiar pang of guilt.

 _No, Maeve. It's not you! It's not you I want to put behind me!_

The internal battle had become more intense over the past six months, ever since he'd met Stephanie. For a period of time, he'd considered stepping back from what was still a very tentative relationship with the cellist, mostly because nearly every outing, no matter how enjoyable, always seemed to incur a new onslaught of guilt. He was amazed, sometimes, at how much ammunition his own psyche was able to throw at him, no matter how many times he'd parried the barrage in the past.

That _he_ should live, and _she_ should not. That _he_ should have pleasure in his life, when _hers_ was spent. That he should, perhaps, one day, fall in love with someone else…..

He could never get past that last thought without a visceral reaction, a shuddering, a repulsion. Because falling in love again meant 'moving on, and 'moving on' meant diminishing what she'd been to him. 'Moving on', at least when it regarded to Maeve Donovan, was not anywhere to be found in the vast lexicon possessed by Spencer Reid.

It wasn't that he was averse to love. He loved his mother, in his own way. He loved Henry. He loved JJ. He loved the absent Emily. But none of them posed a threat to Maeve's place in his heart. Only a new relationship could do that. It was why he'd been so ambivalent about getting to know Stephanie better. He liked her well enough, he was sure of that. And they had that common interest in helping kids become all they could be. But it wasn't until he and Stephanie had finally shared their full stories with each other that he'd begun to let his guard down. Because he'd realized she was in the same place that he was.

 _She understands. She's afraid, too. And she's having trouble letting go.  
_

She'd told him as much. The feelings of guilt, the sense of isolation. The _need_ to be isolated….and then the need _not_ to be.

And so, they'd found a companionship in 'not moving on' together. Although they'd never articulated it, Reid was certain that Stephanie felt as he did. Having one another in their lives looked one way, to their friends, and another way, to themselves. And the way it looked to their friends was instrumental in protecting each of them from additional well-meant, but unwelcome, interventions.

It seemed the perfect arrangement. Which, Reid's little internal pessimist told him, meant it wouldn't last. But he had to silence that little pessimist, because JJ was still speaking to him.

"Wasn't it you who told me it would _always_ be a part of me? That I would learn to integrate it? Do you need me to tell you the same thing? Don't be discouraged that you had a flashback, Spence. If they've gotten so much less frequent, that's progress, right?"

"I guess."

"And you're doing better in general, aren't you? I mean, you're getting out, you've even been telling me that you think you're _too_ busy. And you have Stephanie."

She'd been watching the road as she was speaking, but she sensed it anyway. She didn't need to be looking at him to feel the stiffening of his posture.

 _Uh-oh. Did I just walk into something?_

"Everything okay there? With Stephanie?"

"She's fine. She's on tour."

She couldn't be sure if he was deflecting, or if he was just being Spence.

"I know she's on tour. I was asking if everything is okay between the two of you."

Not sure what she was hoping to hear as a response. Reid wasn't the only one with mixed feelings about his relationship with Stephanie.

It had, after all, been her idea to find someone for him. And she'd gone along with Garcia's plot to submit his profile to the 'datemybestfrienddotcom' website, to put him out there where pretty much anyone could see him. She'd been so worried at his depression, and thought the answer was to alleviate his loneliness. Still, she'd been wary of the person who responded to the profile, more out of concern that he not be hurt again, than for any other reason.

 _Right?_

But Stephanie Rowe had proven to be the real thing. Lovely, talented, witty, intelligent…and, herself, dealing with loss. From a little distance, JJ had watched as the two formed into what everyone, herself included, now regarded as a couple. She and Will had even socialized with them, having dinner before one of Stephanie's performances at the Kennedy Center.

An unforeseen benefit to the relationship had become visible to JJ then. Will had been relaxed in Reid's presence for the first time in….well, _ever_ , if she really thought about it. He'd looked askance at Spence from their very first meeting in New Orleans….in company with the rest of them, at the time. Reid was still in the throes of addiction, and his behavior had reflected it. But, while the rest eventually got through it, and renewed their relationships with the 'old' Reid, Will's first impression of the BAU's resident genius stuck, as first impressions so often do.

He could never quite fathom JJ's relationship with her best friend, but he did manage to cultivate a firm jealousy over it. Even Reid's risking his own life for JJ's, during the fallout from the terrorist attack six months ago, had done very little to soften Will's attitude. He had tried. Both men had tried, but they'd not quite gotten there. But, for Will at least, Stephanie seemed to be a game-changer.

In spite of her best intentions, JJ couldn't help but wonder if they'd become intimate, Stephanie and Spence. She would notice when he touched her, or put his arm around her, or held her hand. Or even just when he didn't jump to _her_ touch. Such little things, really, in a relationship. But JJ was aware that, for Spence, they were huge.

For many years, it had only been _her_ touch that he was relaxed with, _her_ embrace he would accept. He _tolerated_ others, but always with that wariness in his eyes, the frisson of tension in his sinew. The observation that he now seemed similarly relaxed with Stephanie tugged at JJ's heart, just a little bit. Or maybe a little bit more than a little. It would bring that question back, get her wondering if the touch had become deeper, more personal. She was tempted to ask, but knew that the question would exceed the boundaries of their treasured friendship. Besides, she wasn't so sure she wanted to know.

So she tried to walk that fine line of asking him about his romance while not _actually_ asking him about his romance.

"You don't have to answer, if you don't want to. I didn't mean to pry. It's just…well, you seemed to react, and you're my best friend, and I just wanted to make sure you're okay." She let her words have their effect for a second. "But I would completely understand if you thought I was being intrusive."

 _Not._

That seemed to bring him to himself a bit. "You're not being intrusive. You're being _nosy_."

If not for the hint of affection in Reid's voice, JJ would have been concerned.

"Me? Nosy? Moi?" Deflecting with her own touch of humor.

He chuckled. "Yes, you. But there's no need. There's nothing to tell."

She considered that for a moment. "Meaning that you and Stephanie are okay?"

 _Or that there's no 'you and Stephanie'?_

"We're fine."

When he didn't add anything more, she chanced a sideways look at him, not sure whether or not he was being purposely obtuse.

It had been months since they'd had a real heart-to-heart, and _that_ had been purposeful, on both parts. Without either of them having said anything aloud about it, they both knew she needed to focus on her marriage. For the time being….and she sincerely hoped it would _only_ have to be for the time being….she'd needed to put some visible distance between herself and her best friend, all for the sake of her husband's hurt feelings. So she'd only watched Reid's relationship develop from afar, and had to be content with that.

But this seemed a good opportunity…that also _felt_ like a necessity…..for bridging that gap, however briefly. JJ had made up her mind. It was time to probe.

"Seriously, Spence. We haven't talked…. _really_ talked…in a long time. I'm just wondering if I should be happy for you…or not. Should I be happy for you?"

He turned to look at her, a small smile on his face.

"Are you asking me if the plot you and Garcia concocted was a success?"

She laughed. "No. Well, yes, I guess. But not really. I hope you know I only did that because of how much I love you. I just wanted you to have someone in your life who made you happy."

"You mean, besides you, and Henry….and all the rest of the team, for that matter?"

She nodded. "Yes, I do. I wanted you to have someone of your own."

Even without looking at him, she could tell the words had delivered an impact. And not necessarily a happy one. JJ immediately reached over to touch his arm.

"I'm so sorry, Spence. That was stupid. I know you _had_ someone of your own. You had Maeve."

He laid his right hand over hers, on his arm, holding it to him.

"I know what you meant. And I know what you wanted. You wanted me to have someone _else_ of my own."

He didn't have to finish the thought for her to get it. So she finished it for him.

"And you're not ready."

"I don't know if I ever will be."

"But….Spence….." Worried, all over again, that he was holding on to the pain, and that the crushing depression would return.

"Don't worry about me, JJ. I'm not where I was before. Then, I wasn't even sure why I existed. Now, I'm just trying to do as much as I can do in whatever time I have."

 _Not trying to be happy? Not looking for love?_ She was less frightened, but equally as sad.

"So, where does that leave you and Stephanie?"

He shrugged. "We're good for each other, right now. She's been through a loss, too. She gets it. We're patient with each other, we enjoy each other's company….and neither of us is pushing the other."

He'd turned his face to her with the final few words, emphasizing them.

"I get it. So, if you're not pushing each other, the rest of us shouldn't push you, either."

He nodded, smiling. "And I get it too. You only want what's best for me. And I love you for it."

She smiled in return, putting out her hand again, palm up. When he laid his over it, she finished her thought.

"That's what an anam cara does."

He kissed the back of the hand he was holding. "Indeed, it is."

They were just pulling up to the address they'd been given for Glenn Cooper's office. As JJ shut off the engine, Reid asked, "Ready for this, Mrs. Prentiss, my sweet wife?"

She grinned. "Ready, Mr. Prentiss, my dear husband."


	20. Chapter 20

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 20**

Penelope Garcia's foray into IRS records had turned up a 'mail drop' address for Glenn Cooper's place of business, leading them all to believe that he actually worked out of his home….which looked, to the eyes of the two agents now approaching it, to be more of a 'hut' than anything else.

"Hard to make a living working for non-profits," Morgan had observed when Garcia had informed them all about how Cooper supplemented his income.

"It's kind of a place that rents out cabins for people who really want to get away from it all. We're talking like, 'Unabomber-level get-away-from-it-all," she'd explained. "He gets to live in one of them rent-free for overseeing things."

Reid frowned. "Are you saying it doesn't have utilities?" A publicist would have a hard time of it, these days, without a power source.

"He could have a generator," suggested Hotch.

Garcia seemed to be reading through more information. "Let's see…..no heat, so it looks like mostly three season rentals…..outdoor showers, with a cistern for each cabin…..compost toilets….no mention of generators."

Yet, when he exited the SUV, Reid heard the telltale hum of machinery, seemingly coming from a place behind the small cabin.

JJ walked just a half step ahead of him, purpose in her gait. He couldn't restrain an admiring smile as he noticed the set of her shoulders and the energy in her movement. Despite the relatively deep and personal conversation they'd shared on the ride over, neither had been totally distracted from their surroundings. JJ had still battled anxiety with every mile she drove them deeper into the woods, and he had noticed her doing so. The final mile, over a road that was half-gravel and half-dirt, her mouth had been clenched tightly. And then, she'd pulled into the clearing and kidded with him about being Mr. and Mrs.

 _Who wouldn't admire that?_ Competing with: _It's been so many years, and so many harrowing cases. And she's still afraid of the woods. And I'm still afraid of the dark!_

And, just because his brain could entertain so many ideas at once, part of it engaged in yet another thought process, even as Glenn Cooper opened the door to JJ's knock.

 _The fears we develop in childhood. I wonder what Henry's is? Besides, spinach, that is._

And then, that barely whispered answer, originating from another part of his mind. He heard it, and it frightened him, because it contained a molecule of truth.

 _Maybe not even a molecule. Maybe just a 'smart quark'. But it's there, I can feel it. He's afraid about his family. He's afraid about losing his parents. But….how? To what?_

He tried to squelch the thought, to not allow it to get a foothold. But he was too late. Once arisen, it would not be put down. The best he could do was to push it aside, with a personal vow to have a 'godfather-to-godson' chat with Henry when they got back.

 _Maybe it's only a fear. Maybe I can just help it go away._

Hoping, even while he knew better, that this fear would be as easy to squelch as the monster under the bed had been. He'd used his patented 'anti-monster-under-the-bed spray' for that one. But he didn't know how to concoct an 'anti-unsub spray', nor an 'anti-divorce spray'.

Reid almost startled at that last thought. It wasn't something they'd talked about. He didn't think it was something they ever _could_ talk about. And, yet, his subconscious had unearthed it, right there, with ease. It had required no digging at all.

He felt an elbow nudge him in the ribs, bringing him back to full awareness of his surroundings. Glenn Cooper's hand was extended in Reid's direction, so he took the obvious cue, and shook it.

"Nice to see you again, Mr. Prentiss. Harold called ahead to say you were coming. Hope it wasn't too hard to find me out here."

"Well, you did outsmart our GPS, once we got off the named roads. But Anna here has a great sense of direction."

JJ grinned. "My own internal GPS, I guess. So Eric let me drive, this time."

Glenn chuckled. "Yes, there are advantages and disadvantages to being out here in the boonies. It can be hard for the invited guests to get here, but even harder for the uninvited ones to find me."

Reid's eyes narrowed. "Do you have much of a problem with uninvited guests?"

"Not so much now. It was a different story when I was working for the environmental lobby. One of the logging companies didn't take kindly to my interventions, shall we say. But the vaccine industry doesn't pay much attention to our little corner of the world. They've got the rest of it under their control."

JJ looked around. "Well, this is definitely your little corner of the world."

Cooper chuckled again. "I know it's not for everyone, but it suits me well enough. My expenses are low, so I don't have to worry about giving up the good fight just to put food on the table, if you know what I mean."

To the BAU agents, Glenn Cooper was sounding like the real thing….an idealist with follow-through. Reid had long admired such individuals, but he was also aware that most of those he 'knew' were long gone, authors who'd died penniless, but unapologetic, only recognized for their genius...and their beliefs...long after it mattered to their human incarnations. He was beginning to develop a real respect for Glenn Cooper.

JJ read her companion like a book, and saw it. The ever-so-slight change in expression, the softening of his eyes. Reid had an affinity for underdogs, and it was showing itself right now.

 _He's choosing._

But, despite her respect for Reid's genius, she trusted her own instinct. And she wasn't at all sure he was right to choose to place his faith in Glenn Cooper. So, for now, she would have to look out for both of them.

* * *

They'd spent almost two hours going through materials, and being prepped for a demonstration that would take place outside the state capitol building in Salem next week. Glenn had pegged Eric Prentiss as an attractive new face for their cause, and was blatantly trying to groom him as a spokesperson. It didn't hurt at all that his wife was also beautiful.

"So, there are those three representatives we think might be easily swayed, and the other four who will take a little more arm-twisting. Think you're up to them?"

"Absolutely." Eric came across as impressively self-assured. Even to JJ.

Glenn turned to Anna. "And you're comfortable talking to the ones we've already approached?"

He'd already pointed out that they liked to have a story to tell, and the Morgan Prentiss vaccine story was as good as any. But Anna had seemed more hesitant and, throughout their discussion, had often deferred to her husband.

As she did now. Anna looked to Eric before replying. Glenn watched with interest as Eric just blinked his assent to his wife. _Wow._

JJ turned back to Glenn. "I'm comfortable."

There was one more issue that Cooper had been reluctant to bring up. But, they'd been so pliable about everything else so far, he thought he might as well go for it.

He cleared his throat by means of introduction.

"Feel free to decline, but….would you consider having your son come with you? It's impactful to hear from parents, but it's even more impactful to have the actual child there…the child who has been damaged by the vaccines."

Even though they weren't actually talking about Henry, even though it made no sense to the circumstance, JJ took offense on behalf of the non-existent Morgan Prentiss. Reid recognized the pure emotion pouring from his best friend and colleague.

"Our son isn't 'damaged', Mr. Cooper. He's just a little boy, like any other little boy, trying his best to do what a vaccine has made it so hard for him to do."

The antivaxxer publicist pulled back. "Sorry, Mrs. P. I didn't mean to offend. I just wanted to ask if it was possible you might bring little Morgan along. He wouldn't have to say anything. He would just put a face to the problem."

Reid tried for a more tempered voice. "We understand, Glenn. But, as you might understand, we'd rather Morgan not be a part of this. He's already bearing enough of a burden."

Cooper backed down again, not wanting to antagonize his new allies. "Of course, I understand. We'll leave Morgan out of it. So, just you and your wife, then?"

Reid nodded. "Anna and I will handle it. After looking at the information Harold Farley gave us yesterday, we're more motivated than ever."

"Good." Cooper seemed satisfied.

Sensing that the man's guard was down, Reid went for it. "Who else speaks to the legislators? Who else in the group is a real activist?"

Hoping Cooper wouldn't notice he'd actually asked two different questions.

No such luck. Glenn realized there were two responses forthcoming. The good luck fell in his being willing to answer both.

"Well, I'll testify for the bill. So will Harold. And then we've got a few who don't mind sending an email or two. But most of the group are pretty lacking in confidence, when it comes to public speaking…."

JJ interrupted him. "But they're no less sincere, right? Are there any other ways to get one's point across?"

Involuntarily, Reid held his breath, waiting for Cooper's reply. He sensed they were at the crux of the matter.

Cooper made a show….or so it seemed….of thinking about it. Then he came up with a few names.

"Well, there are the DiMaggios…..and the Wilsons…oh, and the O'Connors."

"If they didn't speak with their congressmen," asked Reid, "what did they do?"

Cooper spent another few seconds retrieving his memories…or maybe organizing his phrasing…then answered.

"They… reached out to certain news organizations. Gave them information."

JJ played dumb. "I don't understand. What information would they have to pass to the media? Isn't it all pretty much already out there?"

Cooper appeared to equivocate again. "With the new legislation, the group felt it was time for a new set of stories, to let the public know that vaccine injury isn't a thing of the past. Make people really think before they expose their kids to these things."

"You know," offered JJ, "If I was a parent going through this now….if my son hadn't already had a full set of preschool vaccinations…I honestly don't know what I'd do, even given what's happened to Morgan. I mean, like we heard the other day, there are children dying of infections that have become so rare in the age of vaccines. How do I justify not giving my son a chance to avoid that?"

Cooper looked at her askance. "Isn't that just the point? Haven't we learned that all of these kids were fully vaccinated, but still came down with the disease?"

Reid pushed. "Is that what the other families were promoting? The news that the kids were dying of infection, despite the vaccine?"

Remembering Kimura's telling them that only the true nature of the first death had been made public. He was hoping JJ remembered it as well.

Cooper nodded. "Yes. They're getting the word out."

Reid was about to ask another question when he was distracted by the unexpected sound of a car engine. Apparently they had a visitor.

Cooper wasn't at all surprised. "That must be Eloise."

The FBI agents exchanged a look. JJ asked, "Were you expecting her?"

 _Or does she live here?_ Wondering if Eloise might be the 'friend' whose experience spurred Cooper's interest in working with the antivaxxer group.

"Yes. She's bringing out some new materials, supporting the new message. The printer just finished them."

Reid clarified, "By 'the new message', you mean the fact that the mandatory vaccines haven't actually worked at all in those children who have died."

Glenn nodded. "Exactly. The medical establishment is so bent on pushing vaccines that they imply that they always work. They try to make people who question them sound like they're crazy. Here, we have real proof that what they've been saying is simply not true."

JJ decided to push the point. "Do you think this is happening anywhere else in the country?"

Cooper shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. You haven't exactly seen huge news coverage of it here, have you? Who's to say it isn't happening everywhere, but not being disclosed?"

Eric Prentiss agreed. " _We_ didn't even know about it until we went to the meeting. We just saw one little thing in the paper about a child who'd died of meningitis, but we didn't know about the others, and we didn't know that any of them had been vaccinated for the thing that killed them."

Anna shivered. "I told Eric I was afraid to send Morgan to school, now. Weren't those children all about five and six years old? It could be contagious, couldn't it?"

Cooper acknowledged her point. "It's probably why some of our people are home schoolers. But I wouldn't worry about it, young lady."

"Why not?"

She never got her answer, because Eloise had made it to the door and was, apparently, kicking at the bottom of it. Cooper rushed over to let her in, opening up to a vision of her nearly hidden behind the boxes piled in her arms.

"Here," he said, reaching for the pile, "let me help you with those."

"Thanks," they heard. "Who else is here? I saw the car out there."

JJ stepped forward. "Hello, Eloise. It's Anna and Eric...from last night? You were so nice to tell us how to contact Harold, and he put us in touch with Glenn."

The boxes dispensed with, Eloise was now visible to them. She smiled at the couple and came over to shake Anna's hand in both of hers.

"Of course! Oh, I'm so glad you connected." Then, lowering her volume, "Harold wasn't upset with me, was he?"

"Not at all," Anna assured her. "He seemed very understanding."

"Oh, good." Turning to Glenn, she changed the subject. "Do you want to take a look at the pamphlet, and make sure you're happy with it?"

"Ah," said Glenn. "Good idea. If you'll excuse me a minute?" To Anna and Eric. He brought the box tagged with his receipt over to his desk.

That gave Reid and JJ a little time to find out more about Eloise.

"So," said JJ, "you heard our story last night. Do you have a child who was injured by a vaccine too?"

The other woman's facial expression morphed into one that JJ would have described as distant grief. She was familiar with it, having seen in on the face of her own mother for decades after Roz had taken her life.

"My story is very short, I'm afraid. My daughter was only six months old when she caught a fever just a few days after having a set of shots. It gave her a seizure, and I took her to the hospital right away. But she never woke up."

JJ felt for the woman. "What did they say it was?"

"They said it was an infection in her blood. The doctor swore up and down that it couldn't have come from the shots, that it just 'happened'. But I didn't believe him. How else could she have gotten something in her blood, if not from the injections?"

JJ saw that Reid had gotten caught up in the story as well. Instinctively, she could tell that he was about to break character and answer the question, so she cut him off.

"That's terrible, Eloise. I'm so sorry."

The other woman acknowledged the expression of sympathy. "Thank you. She was my only child. I think I was too afraid that I might have to go through that again, and I didn't think I could survive it." As almost an afterthought, she added, "Not that it would have been a bad thing."

JJ put an arm around Eloise and squeezed. "Well, we're glad you're here. You really helped us. I'm sure you help a lot of people."

"I try."

Glenn rejoined the group and made eye contact with Eloise. "I saw the changes, and I agree with them."

She nodded back. "Good. I have the receipt right here in my purse." She turned away to rummage in her bag...and turned back holding a pistol.

The BAU agents saw it at the same time, spared a split second's consultation with one another, and then moved subtly apart. She might get one of them, but she wouldn't get both.

"Eloise!" exclaimed Anna. "What are you doing with that? Guns are dangerous!"

Reid's eyes moved back and forth from Eloise to Glenn, trying to assess if their host was as caught off guard as they had been. He could only hope to have another ally, as neither agent was carrying their usual service weapon.

No such luck.

"I think Eloise is just trying to give you two a little incentive to explain why you're driving around in a government-owned vehicle."

They'd purposely used one of the unmarked SUVs, but removing the government-issue plates could only go so far in disguising it. Had they been careless?

Seeing the surprise on their faces, he added, "Didn't Harold explain that he's in IT? He's pretty much a whiz with a computer."

The earlier expression of grief on her face now morphed into one of hostility as Eloise added, "And he can hack almost anything."

 _Oh_ , thought Reid, _not careless. Clueless. They have their own version of Garcia_.

His mind rapidly ran through various explanations that might allow them to maintain their cover, but rejected each in turn. In truth, if Harold Farley could hack into government vehicle registration, it wouldn't take him long to find their FBI credentials on line as well. They weren't in covert operations, after all.

He caught JJ's eyes and tried to convey his conclusion.

 _The jig is up. We need another strategy._

In almost any other circumstance, she would have read him. But she wasn't quite sure if he was communicating with her as Eric or as Reid.

 _Is he Eric, telling me he thinks she's crazy? Or is he Spence, telling me we need a new plan?_

In the time it took for her to determine if she was responding in character or not, the decision was made for her. Glenn had reached into his desk drawer and withdrawn his own weapon.

"You know, we got word that there would be some 'infiltrators' at our meeting last night. But we were led to believe they were friends of the kids who just died."

It was the reason they'd been sent in by Hotch in the first place.

"But it looks like our information was faulty. We never knew our infiltrators would be undercover FBI agents."

Reid completely broke cover now, deciding their best bet was in negotiation.

"Look, we're not here to fight you. We want to understand your message, and why you think as you do. That's all."

Cooper wasn't having it. "Why, after all this time, is the FBI suddenly interested in our little group here in Lane County, Oregon."

"Because," JJ broke character as well, "children are dying here in Lane County, Oregon."

Eloise broke in. "You know what the medical people say, don't you? They swear up and down that vaccines save lives, but when you pin them against the wall, they have to admit that their precious vaccines also hurt some of the children who get them. But they think it's worth it, because it's not _their_ kids getting hurt."

Cooper was little more articulate. "They're willing to sacrifice the few for the sake of the many. Well, maybe we are, too. How does that make us different?"

Despite the precariousness of their situation, Reid decided to seize the opportunity of learning more. He would have to hope JJ was working on a way to get them out of this.

"Are you saying that you personally selected individual children and somehow injected them with a potentially deadly disease?" Making it sound as heinous as it was.

Eloise caught the implication and was offended. "Of course not. We're not coldhearted. We do it just the same way the vaccine industry does it. We blend our supply with theirs, and whoever arrives to the pediatrician's office with the worst luck, gets that one. Just like whomever is chosen to have a vaccine reaction."

Reid pushed further.

"I still don't understand. How do you blend it? Where do you get it from?"

Cooper stepped in. "Uh-uh. You don't get to know that. What you do get to do is to move. Now. Out the door, both of you."

He waved the gun at JJ, indicating she should go first, followed by Reid. Cooper was immediately behind them, the nozzle of his gun poking into the back of the BAU genius.

They couldn't avoid being in close proximity as they exited, putting both of them at risk from a single shot. With that in mind, Reid not-so-subtly pushed JJ ahead of him as she preceded him outside. The push said, _Run!_

Her instinct was to do just that. But she couldn't be sure _he_ would run as well. His lungs were still not recovered, and she didn't think he would have the stamina to get very far. So she simply stepped to the side, out of view of both the window and the door, and waited for Reid to move past her.

As he did, he twisted his back away from contact with the gun, and JJ kicked it out of Cooper's hand. Reid turned quickly and tried to wrestle Cooper to the ground, but he was outweighed by at least sixty pounds, and he couldn't hold him. Cooper ran off into the woods. Retrieving the man's gun, Reid set off after him as JJ quickly drew her auxiliary weapon from her ankle holster and pointed it at an unprepared Eloise.

"Drop the gun!"

When the older woman stood frozen, JJ repeated the command. Then she noticed the odd look on the woman's face.

"No!"

Resigned eyes met hers. "Why not? What else have I got to lose?"

As Eloise began lifting the gun toward her own head, JJ dove at her, praying that neither of their weapons would fire. She knocked the gun from Eloise's hand, and lost her own as they fell to the ground. She heard the sound of one of them firing, and took quick inventory of her own bodily status.

 _Not hit. Good._ Then she rolled Eloise over and took inventory there as well.

 _No blood, she's conscious. But not fighting. Why?_

Then the woman's own voice gave explanation.

"Take me away. I don't care anymore. Glenn's right, you know. We're no worse than the doctors and the big drug companies. But we're no better than them, either."

"You're right about that." JJ grunted as she heaved them both up from the floor. "Come with me."

She pulled Eloise out to the SUV, where she found a set of plastic ties to attach her to the front post of the cabin.

"Someone will be here to get you."

Then she phoned the situation in to Hotch, explaining that she was going off in search of Reid and Cooper. "Can you get Pen to ping the GPS on Spence's phone? And can she send it to me in real time?"

She could only imagine the dark look on her superior's face. He would be pleased that they'd uncovered their local unsubs, but anxious about his youngest agent, once again on his own in the wilderness.

"Will do. And, JJ...I want you to be careful. I know you're anxious to find Reid, but I don't want you taking chances. That only puts _both_ of you at risk. We'll be there as quickly as we can."

She wasn't about to lie to her unit chief, so all she said was, "I hear you."


	21. Chapter 21

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 21**

"What does that _mean_? How do I translate it?"

JJ fought off her natural inclination to be frantic at the thought of Reid out there, by himself, chasing one of their unsubs. She'd been following Garcia's directions for nearly ten minutes, but the flashing light on the screen of her phone told her nothing.

"Take a breath, Jayje. Get the bad ideas out of your head. They're not helping you."

 _And, besides, I'll hold on to them for you, right here, in_ my _head._ Because, in her own way, Garcia loved Reid, too.

"I can't…"

Garcia thought she heard a few muffled curses before JJ's voice was clear again.

"I can't look at the screen and still see where I'm going. I'm off road, and there are too many trees, and…"

"Relax, honey, I've got you. You just keep your eyes out the windshield. I've got both of your phones pinging, I can see where you are. Well, virtually, anyway. I'll give you a direction, and you look for the next hole in the trees. Okay?"

There really wasn't any choice, so JJ agreed. "Okay. Which way?"

"Left…go left…..good. No, keep going _left_ , Jayje…"

"I can't! There's a whole grove of trees there!" More than a hint of panic returning to her tone.

Garcia heard it and talked her back down. "All right, no worries. Just keep going straight until you find another space….ooh, good, you found one! All right, keep going as far as you can in that direction…"

The ride sounded rough. Through the open phone line, Garcia could hear a nearly constant rattle of things being thrown around in the SUV. Including, no doubt, her good friend.

"Great! JJ, you're almost there. Now, you need to go….like, _slanted_ …like, maybe eleven o'clock….can you do that?"

"Not a straight shot, but I can figure it out. Stay with me, Pen. You're a lifeline."

Hoping they wouldn't actually _need_ one. Garcia heard it and understood, sharing the hope. But also glad to hear the confidence returning to JJ's voice.

"You should be near him, Jayje. He should be right there, somewhere.."

The blonde profiler had been constantly scanning her surroundings, hoping to see her best friend. _Praying_ to see him. Doing her best to battle the fear back down, when her eyes returned only the sight of trees, and brush, and dirt.

"Pen, what if he dropped it? What if we're just tracking his phone, but it's not on him?"

"Oh, please God, no. Are you sure you don't see him at all?"

"I don't…wait…wait..." Something that looked out of place. Something white, in a vista hued only in brown and green _. Oh, please God, let that be his sneaker!_

Garcia heard the sound of the vehicle's engine being turned off, and its door opening, and called through the line, "JJ, wait! The others are on their way!"

But the blonde profiler had already muted the phone. She couldn't know if it was Reid she'd spotted and, if so, if he was alone. She might have given away her arrival with the roar of the SUV's engine, but that didn't mean she couldn't keep her slim body hidden among the trees. She could still gain an advantage.

JJ crept as silently as the debris-coated ground would allow, stopping every few feet to listen. As she drew nearer and nearer to where she'd seen that little snippet of white, she thought she heard something. Her entire body went perfectly still, her focus entirely on the auditory input. It was a vaguely familiar sound, but she had trouble placing it. She'd heard it before, she was sure of it. She'd heard it… she'd heard it...

 _Oh, God!_

JJ broke cover and ran full out toward the source of the sound, which she now fully recognized. She was able to make out the entire stretch of his legs ending in those blessed, bright white sneakers….. _thank God you have no fashion sense!_...even before she'd rounded the final copse of trees.

"Spence!" A whispered shout, still not sure if their unsub was within earshot.

He looked up at her with shaded eyes. "Can't…"

"You can't breathe, I can see that! What can I do?"

He was struggling so much that he could only pantomime the shape of his inhaler. "Car…."

"It's in the SUV?"

He nodded, much too slowly for JJ's comfort. In her distress for him, she forgot their situation and started to rise, intending to retrieve his pulmonary lifeline. But Reid grabbed at her arm.

"Coo…."

"Cooper? Where is he?" Feeling foolish, that she'd forgotten her primary role as an agent.

Reid waved in the direction that would have taken one deeper into the woods. "Gone…"

He looked completely disgusted with himself for having let their unsub get away, despite the clear fact that he could have done nothing to stop him. JJ made a mental note to have yet another little talk with her best friend, this one about the subject of guilt…. _If only. Okay, God? If only You can help us here, I'll straighten him out, okay?_

Satisfied that, with Cooper gone, her current most pressing duty was the saving of her best friend's life, JJ ran back to the SUV. She tore into every compartment in the vehicle, to no avail. Then she literally knocked herself in the head. _His messenger bag! You doofus!_

She grabbed the leather strap and pulled it toward her, praying even as she lifted the flap. _And….there! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! Even if I'm still mad that he needs it in the first place!_

She ran back with the whole bag slung across her shoulder, coming to a skidding stop as she rounded the tree against which he'd propped himself.

"Okay, here it is. Let me…" She'd seen him use it often enough. JJ knew to remove the cap, and shake the device, and place it into the tube. She handed him the latter, which he placed immediately into his mouth. As he took a breath, JJ surveyed the rest of him.

 _No blood. Nothing crooked, or swollen. And, thank God, his lips are pink._

When his head fell back against the tree, JJ knelt beside him and instinctively ran her hands through his hair. It was something she'd done so often for Henry, and even for Will. She didn't know if it was a human thing, or a female thing, but there was something about the touch that was comforting.

 _Except I don't know if it's comforting him, or me._

She bent her head in front of Reid's and made a point of catching his eyes.

"Okay? Do you feel any better?"

He tried, and failed, to smile. "Not…..yet." Then, struggling to get out one more word, "Sorry.."

She shook her head with vehemence. "I don't want to hear you apologizing for something beyond your control. Cooper got away. So what? We know who he is now, and we'll get him. The others are on their way now, along with most of the sheriff's office. And I left our friend Eloise cuffed back at the cabin."

 _That_ got a little smile. But he didn't say anything more, trying to conserve his breath. While they both waited for his medication to do its thing, JJ repositioned herself, settling in against the tree, next to him. She reached for his hand, and held it in both of hers, responding to the need to _feel_ connected, and knowing, somehow, that he needed it too.

Something else they both needed was some distraction, so JJ fell back to her old standby. Henry.

"So, my mom is back from visiting her friends, thank goodness. That means I don't have to worry if Will has to work nights while I'm away. But mostly it means that your little buddy is thrilled to have his Meme to read him stories at night."

As she'd intended, Reid was engaged. But still breathless. All he could manage was, "Henry…read.."

She understood. "Yes, he knows how to read a little. Well, more than a little, I guess, thanks to his godfather." She grinned at him, and was elated when she got a little one back. "But he just likes it when we do it with him. But especially when Mom does it. She does all the voices and the animal sounds."

The look on his face told her he hadn't known.

"Oh, that's right. You probably haven't been around for bedtime since…" Cutting herself off. Because the 'since' would have ended with ' _you used to come and commiserate over losing Emily_.'

That deception had cost so much…. _so much_...time, trust, and, very nearly, their entire friendship. Now, in this lonely forest glade, with Spence fighting for breath, JJ realized that it had also cost him part of his relationship with Henry. Because, once Emily's appearance had thrown light on the lie, it had also put an end to Reid's visits to the LaMontagne household. There _was_ no death to mourn….except for that of their friendship….and no reason for Reid to do more than make a desultory visit to his godson. Which had been just fine with the boy's father.

The hand in her grasp had felt her stiffen, and he knew immediately what she was remembering. Reid stretched his other hand across and now held both of hers in his.

"'s all right.." was all he could manage.

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I don't think I'll ever be able to say it enough."

This time, he caught her head in his hand. "Stop."

She obeyed him. Sort of. Instead of more words, she just gave him an apologetic smile and leaned her head against his. They sat that way in silence, waiting…..waiting…. waiting for the meds to work, waiting for their friends to come. Waiting….

"Oh, my God…..I muted her!" JJ pulled her phone from a pocket and hit a few buttons.

Once Reid realized what she meant, he laughed. _Laughed_.

JJ's eyes flew to his face. "What?"

"You _muted_ Penelope Garcia?" Still winded, but finally able to get out a full sentence. It wasn't lost on JJ.

"You can talk!"

"What do you mean, I can talk? JJ, I've been bellowing into my mouthpiece for the past twenty minutes! Oh, my gosh, I was so worried! Where have you been?"

The two profilers looked at each other and burst out laughing. JJ went into a fit of giggling that lasted a full thirty seconds.

"What's so funny?"

"Sorry, Pen. Not you. I was talking to Spence."

"Spen….Reid? You found him?! Is he all right? Because if anyone hurt my junior G man…"

"When do I get to be a senior G man?"

"EEEKK! Reid! Oh, thank God. Are you all right? Because you don't sound like you."

JJ took the pressure of speech from him. "He's not quite all right. But he's _so_ much better than he was a little while ago."

As excitable as she could be, Penelope Garcia also knew when it was time to get down to business. "Do you want me to send you an ambulance?"

JJ looked at Reid, who shook his head.

"Spence says no. I _think_ I agree." Earning another smile from the man next to her. "As soon as he can walk, we'll be on our way out of the woods. But I think I might need you to direct me again."

They both heard the satisfied smile in the voice of their friend. "Just consider me your own personal GPS."

* * *

But it happened differently. Following a similar process to JJ's, the others were guided by Garcia to the spot where their colleagues were now seated in the SUV. Hotch made his way over to the vehicle.

"Are you all right?" Having been briefed, he directed his words to Reid.

The younger man nodded. "Much better. I'm sorry, Hotch. He got away from me. I just reached a point where I couldn't go on."

The two exchanged a look that was too long for JJ's comfort. This was precisely the type of scenario they'd both envisioned when they'd discussed whether Reid should agree to the offer…or _demand_ …that he join DHS. Maybe there wouldn't be as much choice in the matter as they'd each hoped.

"We'll find him," the unit chief's voice exuded confidence. "Just make sure you take care of yourself." Looking from Reid to JJ. "Take him back to the hotel. Have Kimura look at him. Then make sure he rests."

As a newbie, Reid would have protested. Would have felt the need to prove himself. In the moment, those old tendencies returned, and he almost whined at his superior, 'I'm not a baby.' But JJ's maternal instincts told her to start the vehicle, drowning out anything Reid might have said or meant to say.

* * *

"It's as I told you, Dr. Reid….Spencer. Your lungs are healing, but they are not healed. With luck..and with Providence….they'll get there. Today may have been a lesson….or it may have been a fluke. You were, after all, in a forest, with many kinds of tree pollen, and mold spores…."

Kimura had examined him and prescribed an oral steroid to accelerate his recovery. As had happened in the past, the powerful medication had done its job.

"So, are you saying his lungs might just have reacted to the environment? That they may not be so badly damaged?" JJ wanted to make sure she understood. She'd already told Spence, 'HIPAA be damned, I'm coming with you.'

Kimura nodded. "But the reaction was severe, as you've both described it. There's no way to know if it would happen again, given a similar environment."

JJ gave a soft snort. Seeing that Kimura didn't understand, she explained herself. "I was just thinking…..if we need to avoid that kind of environment….well, I've always been kind of afraid of the woods anyway. Now I know why."

Reid, his voice now recovered, interjected between the two women who only wanted the best for him.

"So, is there anything I can do? Medication? Pre-treatment? Anything to keep it from happening?"

Because the last thing he, or any of them, needed, was to have one of their number suddenly out of commission, in the middle of a takedown. Today's event had only put _him_ at risk, but he would be damned if he'd risk any of the others.

"Maybe." Kimura was on the fence. "But I truly believe this may be a temporary condition, as I've told you before. Your lungs were stressed in an unusual way this afternoon, Spencer. It's entirely possible it will never happen again."

 _Or not._


	22. Chapter 22

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 22**

They went through a debriefing with the team and then with the local task force. But then came the hard part. Hotch wanted his own 'debriefing' with each of them. Separately.

Reid had been reprimanded by his unit chief before. It hadn't been loud, or angry…..but it _had_ been effective. He'd disappointed a man whose opinion he greatly respected, and whose respect he so greatly valued, in return. That he might have lost that respect had been far worse a potential consequence than any other discipline that might have been imposed. And he'd made a personal vow not to risk it again.

JJ, on the other hand, had never been called on the carpet before. But she knew that was about to change.

"Is he going to yell?" she asked Reid.

He shook his head. "No. It's worse than that."

She winced. "The look?"

"The look."

The one that didn't require words. The one she'd seen him launch at any number of less-than-cooperative witnesses, even LEOs. It wasn't quite as piercing as the one he reserved for unsubs, but she dreaded the idea of seeing it aimed her way, nonetheless.

Hearing JJ's sharp intake of breath, Reid encouraged her. "You'll be fine."

In contrast to his need to protect her from the congressional committee hearing, Reid knew she had nothing to fear from their unit chief. Just a little chastisement….. which, in truth, he kind of wanted to give her himself. As grateful that he was that she'd found him and alleviated his acute distress, he was also concerned that she hadn't waited for the team.

 _She shouldn't have taken that chance. She wasn't thinking with her brain, and it could have cost her. It could have cost all of us._

But it was JJ, and he couldn't quite bring himself to chide her for it. Especially not when their unit chief was about to do it for him.

"Do you want to go first?" Ever the gentleman.

She made a face at him. "My own personal Sir Walter Raleigh. Sure, why not?" Her guard was already up, and the last thing she was going to do was to show weakness, to anyone. Even Spence.

She stepped by him and into the office Hotch had borrowed for the occasion. He looked up from his paperwork as she entered.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes. Sit, please."

JJ did as instructed, pulling up a chair across the conference table from where her superior sat. He waited for her to be situated before continuing.

"Today, you took it upon yourself to pursue an unsub alone, even though you'd been advised to wait for the rest of the team to arrive."

As tempted as she was to plead her case, JJ's media savvy told her to hold her tongue. So she sat completely still, maintaining eye contact with her unit chief. Hotch interpreted her stance, and knew that the floor was still his.

"I know we're trained not to separate, and I know you were already separated from your partner. You were trying to connect with him again."

He was making her argument for her _. Why?_

This time she responded. "I _was_. Hotch…" _It was Spence, and I was worried._

His upraised palm stopped her. "I understand _why_ you did it, JJ. But I'm concerned _that_ you did it. No matter what happens out there, we function as a team. And, as the _leader_ of that team, I need to be able to trust that I am kept apprised of what is going on. Of _everything_ that is going on."

It was what had bought Reid his reprimand, back in Texas, even more than the young man's antagonizing the locals. That Reid had known something, and not shared it. That he'd made his own plan, and carried it out without securing its place in a larger plan.

JJ had entered the room not quite sure what to expect. But she knew she hadn't expected this.

"Are you saying you would have agreed with me, If I'd told you I wanted to go after Spence?"

"I'm saying I would have been open to discussion. I don't know that I would have agreed. But, the point is, JJ, that I needed to _know._ I needed to know that you planned to risk an unprepared encounter with an unsub, without backup. What if he'd had Reid? What if he'd decided to use him, to force your hand?"

Hotch watched carefully as she absorbed his words, and a muted look of shock formed on her face. As intended, his words had hit home. It was obvious the thought hadn't occurred to her before. It had been actively displaced by her worry over whether he'd been injured.

"I think you know that I don't function well as a dictator. I greatly respect the insight of each member of my team, and I find it wise to listen. But that's just the point. I need you to be honest with me. For the sake of all of us, I need each of us to be open, and frank. I'm not saying that saving Reid was wrong. Much to the contrary. Thank God you did. But I am saying that the rest of your team needed to know what you were doing, so we could best plan how to help you."

JJ was floating in a sea of 'déjà vu'. It felt so like those days of her youth, when she'd done something to disappoint her father. _Not that I was ever much of a rebel. But that doesn't matter._

She could only nod in acquiescence.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." Not able to know that she'd exactly mirrored the response of her best friend, when he'd sat across from the same disappointed senior agent all those years ago.

Something else occurred to JJ. Another person might be at risk of Hotch's disfavor.

"Hotch…please don't be upset with Garcia about this. She was only helping me. I think she knew I was going to try, whether she was in on it or not, so…."

That was when he told her something she hadn't known.

"Garcia brought us into those woods the same way she did you. And she started on it almost immediately after you got into your SUV."

Her surprise showed on her face. "She told you?"

"She didn't need to. But she helped us find you both. You should thank her."

No longer in fear of losing her job, JJ smiled. "I always do."

* * *

Once dismissed, the young blonde profiler exited the borrowed office to walk past her best friend.

"Your turn."

"You look like you're still in one piece."

She quizzed him with her eyes. "Are you disappointed about that ?"

"What? No! I just…. maybe he was easier on you. Me, he threatened to fire."

Another thing she hadn't known. "Really? In Texas?"

"Yep. But then he just talked to me about how I needed to remember I was part of a team, and that I couldn't just go off on my own. Even if I thought I had a good reason."

It wasn't lost on JJ. Reid was doing more than recounting a story. He was telling her something.

"I hear you. And I heard him."

"And?"

"And…..you'd better get on in there yourself." He'd risen and she used both hands to turn him around and give him a little push forward. "I think he might need to say it again."

* * *

But that wasn't what Hotch wanted to talk about, and Reid knew it.

The senior man got right to the point. "You're not ready for the field."

Reid closed his eyes in relief. He'd expected worse. But 'not ready' left open possibilities for the future.

"I know. And I'm sorry. I thought I would be all right." Wanting to make sure Hotch knew he was being honest, Reid added, "Really."

The smile on the unit chief's face was tight, and grim. "I think it was more like you _hoped_. So did I. But it looks like we were both wrong."

Reid slumped into a chair. "So, is this it? Is my time in the BAU over?"

Hotch sought the support of his own chair. "I didn't say that. Maybe we can find a way to work around it, keep you from having to exert yourself."

"Hotch…" Reid's voice was filled with protest…but his unit chief cut him off.

"It's not like we don't have precedent. We managed when you were on crutches. And, remember, we're not using JJ as a liaison any longer. She's fully available to us in the field."

The whole episode with his injured knee had been difficult for Reid, and not just because of the pain and inconvenience of the injury. As JJ had so recently disclosed to Kimura, he'd been chastened into sitting out a case. Afterward, he'd been determined not to let his discomfort show. Not to his teammates, and not to his doctors. Without benefit of narcotic pain relievers, it had proven to be an unusually difficult and prolonged rehabilitation. But he'd been embarrassed at having left his team a man down, even if his teammates didn't consider it so. And he didn't want to do it again.

He'd said as much to JJ, once, and been reprimanded. "Spence, stop. Just think how many times it was your brain that did the bulk of the work for us. We wouldn't have even gone after so many of those unsubs, whether or not you'd joined us, because we wouldn't have known who they were."

So, technically, Hotch was right. They'd done it before, and they could do it again. His brain wasn't broken the way his lungs were. He could still contribute. But, as he did then, he so wished they didn't have to even consider it.

"But.."

Hotch cut him off again, by plan. He knew that, once he allowed his resident genius to get going, the young man might convince both of them that he should take a seat. Permanently.

"I know it's different this time. This time, you have options. And I know you need to consider them. I just want to make sure that you are still considering the BAU as a viable option. A _very_ viable option."

For the umpteenth time, Reid pondered how improbable it was that the man across from him, not chronologically eligible to be his father, should so astutely provide him with paternal advice. And, for the umpteenth time, Reid was grateful for the presence of the man in his life. Superior. Partner. Friend. Improbable father figure.

As it had so many times in the past, the thought stole Reid's voice from him. Once recovered, it was thick.

"Thank you. I guess…..I guess I do know that. Maybe I wasn't thinking that way,…..but I'll start. Thank you, Hotch."

He half rose and then paused, mid-movement, asking if they were done. Hotch gave a subtle nod.

"Do what Kimura says. _Everything_ she says."

Reid grinned. "I will."

* * *

"Well?" She'd waited for him.

He hadn't told her about the DHS recruitment yet. But, if things progressed further, he was going to have to. For now, he felt like Hotch had just given him a reprieve, and he wasn't about to do anything to spoil that sense of relief.

"Well, what?"

Her hand went to her hip. "You know what. Are you in trouble?"

"Are you?" Deflecting. Quite effectively, it turned out.

She slumped. "No. At least, I don't think so. But I feel terrible."

He nodded. "Like you've disappointed him."

"Exactly! Why, is that what happened with you?"

Reid snorted. "Which time?" He waited for her to look at him. "Seriously? Yes, in the past. This time, it was more about whether I should be in field."

She went perfectly still at that. The idea that Reid might have to step away from the job that had been so much a part of his personal identity…..and the idea that it was his sacrifice for _her_ that had put him in this position…..had kept her up more nights than she cared to count. With the words he'd just spoken, if felt like they were at a crossroads, one she'd hoped wouldn't come for a very, very long time.

"And?" Barely vocal, just breathed at him.

Reid saw it in her…..the fear, the guilt, the sorrow. Thankful that he was able to say the words, he reported, "And, he thinks we're not there." _Yet._

Letting out a held breath, her head collapsed to her chest. "Thank God."

"But he thinks I should stay wherever we're headquartered, and not take on any of the physical stuff."

She tried to look on the bright side. "Well, that's possible, isn't it? Didn't you do it before? And, remember, I was usually away from the action, back when I was the unit liaison. Now I can help."

He gave her the smile he knew she wanted. "True. So, for now, that's what it will be, I guess."

She gave him a forced smile back. "Great."

Neither of them voiced what each was thinking. _Except that we weren't supposed to be in the action today. And yet, there we were. How do we know we can avoid it?_

There really were no guarantees. Which might well mean there were no chances worth taking. But neither was about to say it aloud.

Not until they had to.


	23. Chapter 23

_**A.N. Sorry for the much-delayed update. Here's why it happened: The site malfunctioned on the reading end of things for a day or two. You probably already know that. But it malfunctioned on the writing end of things for well over a week, with no notice or response at all from the admins. It certainly looked like no one was minding the store. And, since I tend to do most of my final edits on the site, that made me nervous for the survival of my stories. So I spent a good portion of my writing time making sure I had final versions of each chapter on my laptop. Now I'm prepared!**_

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 23**

Harold Farley, unaware of how things had unfolded at Glenn Cooper's cabin, was taken into custody easily enough. And they had Eloise. But Cooper was, unfortunately, in the wind.

"Don't you worry about him," assured Sheriff Taylor. "I've got some boys know those woods like the backs of their hands. We'll have him soon enough."

SSA Roderick had to concede that one. "They've helped us shut down an operation or two, it's true. They get the meth cooks, we get the distributors."

The team was meeting with Taylor and Roderick in anticipation of heading back to DC in a few hours. But, as Hotch pointed out, there was one more key piece of the local operation yet to be uncovered.

"We need to find out how the altered syringes are getting into the supply stream. And, so far, both Farley and the woman are pleading ignorance. That leaves Cooper."

A softly cleared voice interrupted him. "Not necessarily, Agent Hotchner. As the woman told Agent Jareau, these people aren't even aware of who is getting the infected syringes. It's what they think grants them a level of innocence in this whole awful endeavor."

Linda Kimura had their attention. "These illnesses and deaths are relatively clustered, by which I mean that they all took place within a few weeks' time, and in the same general location, even if each of the children received their vaccines from a different office. We don't know exactly which vaccine supply has been tampered with, but since all of the victims have been between four and five years old, we're targeting the set given at that age. We're investigating the paths of the lot numbers of each of those vaccines."

"Can't you just put out a notice to stop giving those vaccines for the time being?" It seemed logical to Kate.

As it did to Kimura. "We have. Actually, we've _recalled_ all of the vaccine. Initially, the recall was just for vaccine distributed to Lane County. But, since we don't know where the tampering is occurring, the CDC has just recalled all of the vaccine sent to the Oregon State Department of Public Health."

Reid understood. "You're thinking the tampering might be happening further up the line. If you put a stop to it in Lane County, the problem might just show up in another location."

Kimura nodded. "Correct."

Rossi was processing. "But it would be a hell of a coincidence if the vaccine hadn't been intended for Lane County in the first place, wouldn't it? I mean, we have our own little nest of unsubs, right here, where all the problems are. And I thought they'd admitted putting the tampered syringes into the supply."

"Not 'they'", corrected Morgan. "It was only Eloise. And she's retracted it. She took it back, and now she's got counsel. And they're telling her not to talk at all."

"But she told _you_ that, didn't she?" Rossi looked to where JJ and Reid were sitting. "You didn't 'unhear it', did you?"

JJ started to nod, at the same time that Reid shook his head

"I don't think it was real," the young man said. "Eloise is a 'hanger-on'. She runs errands for them, and she likes to think she's part of them. She wanted to feel important by being part of a conspiracy. But I think she's too simple for that."

JJ harrumphed. "Not too simple to get Cooper to open that box of pamphlets and see the message from Farley." The one that had broken their cover.

"She was just the means, I think. Not the organizer. So, unless we get it from one of the other two, I'm not sure we really know how the tampered syringes are being distributed."

Hotch agreed. "It does make sense, that it's all focused in Lane County. But it's also possible that Lane County had already been targeted, because of the large number of vaccine resisters. We don't know yet that our detainees weren't recruited after the fact."

Morgan nodded, understanding. "You're thinking it might be further up the pipeline, maybe part of a larger movement. And that they came out here and recruited these guys because they knew they would be vulnerable."

JJ shook her head in puzzlement. "But….what about the injection of Dr. Kimura? And the medical examiner? Someone had an actual syringe filled with pneumococcus, right? _That_ was local."

"And personal," added a still outraged Reid.

"There's no question they've been on the ground locally," agreed Hotch. "And we don't know if any of our three suspects will turn out to have been responsible for the attack. But I agree with Dr. Kimura. This feels larger. It feels like we've uncovered the tip of the iceberg, and we need to see what's underneath the surface."

Morgan nodded, pushing back to stretch out his legs under the table. "All right. So, where do we go from here?"

"Back to Quantico," advised his unit chief. "Farley and Eloise are being held on federal charges. I've received permission to have them moved to DC. Agent Roderick will see to their transport."

As it had so often done before, Hotch's riveting gaze ran slowly around the table, settling briefly on each member of the team, and Kimura.

"We don't know how big this is. We only know that it starts in a lab at the NIH, where this deadly bacterium was cultivated. And we know that one or more parties packaged that bacterium into something resembling a vaccine. They clearly have access to the vaccine distribution network. That means any child, anywhere in the United States, could be their next target."

The looks around the table were grim. Reid broke the silence.

"We need to go back to the source. We need to know everything about anyone who's had anything to do with that project."

Unbidden, unwanted images of Diane flooding his mind.

"We need to find the person who is filled with enough hate…..or hurt…. that they don't care what happens to anyone else."

Listening intently, Kimura was intrigued. She didn't fully understand the reason for the obvious emotion that had crept into Reid's voice. For all they'd shared, and despite the fact that she knew he'd suffered some sort of loss, she'd never heard the whole story. But she suspected this was somehow related to it.

Despite her sympathy for the young man, she had a point to make, tempering his own.

"One hurting soul in the lab couldn't have made this happen. We'll need to see where that person intersects with the vaccine pipeline."

Kate mumbled something that the others couldn't quite make out. Rossi prompted her.

"You were saying…?"

"I was just saying…..well…..this may not be about vaccines at all. I mean, what if it's all done to scare us? What if it's related to terrorism?"

Morgan wasn't quite so sure about that. "It's pretty obtuse, isn't it? Terror isn't terror unless the objects of it can put the pieces together. I always think of terrorist acts as being pretty overt and 'unmissable'…..like a bomb."

Which made Reid think. "Like a bomb. Like the one that went off last fall." When he and JJ had nearly been killed, and had nearly died from the aftermath.

Hotch looked with narrowed eyes at the young man. He knew his genius so well, he could almost see the wheels turning inside.

"What is it?"

Reid had that look of wonder on his face. "What if this _isn't_ a message to the public? What if it's more specific than than?"

Hotch's expression hadn't changed. "Go on."

"What if it's directed at _us_? What if they knew we'd be the only people to understand?"

Kate's mouth fell open. "You think this is a terrorist plot aimed at sending a message to _us_?"

Reid could only shrug. "I don't know. But, if this is bigger than we originally thought….and it sounds like it might be…. then it's probably too sophisticated for a group of antivaxxers to pull off. It just might be that they meant for us to realize they had a more subtle way of getting their message across, of hurting the public."

JJ stared at him. "Are you saying they're sending us a message because we uncovered the mole at DHS?"

Wary glances were exchanged all around the table. Rossi spoke it for all of them.

"Hoo, boy."

* * *

The plane ride home took place largely in silence. Most of them were exhausted from too little sleep. Even so, that precious sleep proved elusive. They had too much to think about.

Hotch was rubbing his eyes when Rossi handed him a cup of what should have been coffee, and took the seat across from him.

"It's adulterated."

The heavy brows rose, just a hint of a smile on the unit chief's face.

"Adulterated?"

"Yeah. Made for adults. I'll let the kiddies drink the straight stuff." Nodding his head toward Reid, who was already on his third cup.

Hotch let out a full half smile.

"So, what do you think?"

"About the kid's hypothesis?" Rossi shrugged. "I don't know. It seems convoluted. It would have to mean that they assumed we'd be brought in on the case in the first place." He took a sip of his 'enhanced' coffee. "How exactly did it come to us, anyway?"

"Kimura. She called me as soon as she saw the specific organism that had caused the infections. She recognized it right away, because she'd done some work with the lab where it was made."

Rossi spent a few minutes thinking about that, ending with a resigned sigh. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but it would be foolish not to consider it. Do you think there's any possibility she's involved?"

The lack of reaction on Hotch's face told him the unit chief had considered it as well. And then dismissed it outright. Hotch threw his eyes toward the other end of the plane, where his two youngest agents had become engaged in conversation with the physician.

"Don't say that out loud, or we'll have a revolution on our hands. I think Kimura's got a fan club in the BAU."

Rossi smiled. "I know. I'm a member. But, if Reid is right, and this is a message, there had to be a messenger who would make sure it came our way. We have to figure out who that is."

" _And_ who prepared the inoculum, _and_ who inserted it into the vaccine pipeline….."

" _And_ who put all of them up to it. That's all."

Hotch's lips thinned in grim agreement. "That's all."

* * *

After securing a promise from Reid that he would call her if he felt 'even a twinge, even the slightest bit short of breath', JJ started home. She knew it was a little past Henry's bed time, and she knew it was a school night, and she knew she should let him sleep.

 _But I need my little guy._

Just thinking about the families victimized by the tainted vaccine was nearly paralyzing.

 _Those parents all thought they were doing the right thing. And they were, really. But because of some sick, twisted individual, the right thing turned deadly. God, one day they're taking their kid in to the doctor to get ready for kindergarten, and the next thing they know, they're getting ready to bury him. How does anyone ever get past that?_

It wasn't the first time she'd asked the same rhetorical question. Nor would it be the last.

 _Because_ , she thought, _there isn't an answer_.

As she neared the house, her longing for Henry grew. But it was late. And she shouldn't.

 _Maybe I'll just look at him. I'll sit next to him on the bed, and breathe him in. And be grateful that I can._

She pulled into the driveway, and shut off the car. Through the front window, she could see the faint blue light that told her the television was on. Will was waiting up for her.

JJ grabbed her purse and her go bag and made her way to the front door. It opened just as she was about to insert her key in the lock.

"Hi." She leaned in to give her husband a peck on the cheek.

"Hi yourself. Glad you're home."

"Me too." She preceded him down the hallway and dropped her bags in the living room.

"Tough case?"

"Tough. And not over yet."

"Really?" It was unusual for them to leave things undone. Not unless they absolutely had to.

"Yeah. We have two of the unsubs, with a third still on the loose. But we know who he is, and the locals know the forest out there. They seem pretty confident that they'll get him."

"So, why isn't it over then?"

She explained about the vaccine pipeline, and the concerns about the lab, and Reid's hypothesis that the whole thing might have ties to terrorism.

"Ah. Spencer. Fightin' off the international bad guys once again."

From long practice, JJ was able to ignore the comment. Will had come a long way in tolerating her relationship with Reid, and she'd decided the least she could do was to tolerate his occasional regressions in behavior.

Instead, she changed the subject. "How's our boy?"

A small smile rose on Will's face. But it was too tight for JJ's liking. Something was wrong.

"He's fine. Got a hundred on his spellin' test. And beat up Toby at recess."

She actually gasped. "What? What does that mean, he beat up Toby? Why?"

"Dunno. He said the other boy called you a name."

This sounded absurd. "Toby called me a name? What? Why?"

"Dunno. Could be he's sufferin' from his parents not bein' together."

JJ was beginning to feel like she'd been away for weeks instead of days.

"They're not together? Officially? I mean, we suspected they were having trouble, when they asked us to look after him every week, but…"

"Officially. His dad came by to pick him up the other night….the night you left me with both of them, with no warnin'….and he told me they'd made a decision. For the sake of the boy, he said."

Once again, JJ ignored the dig, this time, too concerned about Henry's friend….and about Henry.

"Oh, poor Toby. And I feel bad for his parents, too. I'm sure they didn't want this. And they don't want to hurt him. I've seen him with each of them. They both love him."

"Yeah. Well."

She went back to her other cause for concern. "But, since when does our son beat up other kids? Especially his friend?"

Will just stood and stared at her, looking undecided. And then, decision made, he walked over to the coffee table and picked up the television remote.

"Maybe since his friends and their parents all had a good look at somethin'."

She didn't understand any of this. _I feel like I fell into the rabbit's hole._

Until Will pushed a few buttons on the remote.

"I had to wait until it they ran it again, but I got it. And so did all of my buddies at work. They had a few questions for me. Maybe Toby had some questions for our boy, too." And he pushed a final button.

The screen adjusted from the program that had been playing, as it searched for and found the recording. A moment later, JJ was looking at herself, seated next to Reid, at the congressional hearing.

Will pushed the fast forward button, and JJ watched as her facial features changed rapidly. First, composed, but tense. Then displaying muted anger. Then not so muted. And then, the first inkling of a loss of control. And then she watched as the camera panned from her face to Reid's and then back. And, finally, as it moved its focus under the table, and zoomed in on their tightly clasped hands.

"See, when they first brought it up, I thought the guys wanted to tell me how beautiful my wife looked on TV. Never even occurred to me to look at it. I get to see the real thing. But, funny enough, that wasn't what they wanted to talk about. What they wanted to talk about was if my wife had a thing for the guy sittin' next to her."


	24. Chapter 24

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 24**

JJ felt like she'd been sucker-punched. First, by being immediately flooded, once again, with all of the emotional turmoil of that last congressional hearing. Then, by learning how closely she…..and Spence…..had been recorded. And, finally, by the not-so-carefully-hidden verbal attack from her husband. For several full minutes, she was unable to respond.

Will just stood and watched her, an enigmatic expression on his face.

At last, she'd gathered herself enough to speak. Slowly, as the thoughts were still forming.

"Why would you pay any attention to what your so-called friends said? Couldn't you see it? Couldn't you see that they kept going after me, waiting for me to break? _Spence_ saw it. And he gave me something to hold on to."

Will waited a few beats before responding. It seemed like he was keeping his face purposely expressionless.

"Good old Spence."

Her anger flared at that. "Yes, good old _Spence._ _He_ knew I was upset. _He_ knows how uncomfortable I am being emotional in public. Just like I thought you did."

It had been the subject of the first major argument of their relationship…..that he wanted it to be known to her colleagues, and she did not.

"So, yes, good old Spence did his best to help me hold on."

Will's resolve seemed to crack, just a little bit, at that. "I woulda."

She closed her eyes and shook her head in frustration. They'd been here so many times before.

"I _know_ you would have supported me, Will. I _count_ on it. But you weren't there. You _couldn't_ be there. And Spence was. I would have thought you'd be glad I had a support when I needed one."

Now Will was shaking _his_ head. "It's not easy for me, JJ. I have a wife who's beautiful, and sexy, and desirable. You can imagine what it looks like when she's right there on TV, holdin' hands with another guy."

As far as she knew, she'd never had high blood pressure before. But JJ was pretty sure she had it now.

"He was _helping_ me, Will. We'd both been through something awful. Do I need to remind you about that? That Spence put his own life in danger to save mine? That he put himself through a long ordeal, that he even got himself infected? To save _your_ wife."

"But…"

"But nothing. _That's_ what you should have told your so-called friends. No, forget that. What you should have told them is that it was none of their business. But, if you couldn't bring yourself to confront your 'buddies' that way, you should have told them that you _wished_ you could have been there, but were grateful that your wife had her best friend with her when she needed someone. _That's_ what you should have told them."

Now it was Will who seemed to need time to think. JJ waited him out, not even noticing her foot tapping against the floor.

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry."

"What else do you want me to say, JJ? You weren't there, you don't know how it was. This thing was all over the news."

She met that statement with a single, doubting, raised brow. "They actually covered this? We'd already done this more times than I care to think about."

"Not the evenin' news. But it was on the news channels."

"The news channels. Where people almost have to go out of their way to see it." Sounding as disbelieving as she felt.

"All it took was one guy, and he blabbed it all over the precinct."

If she hadn't been quite so angry with her husband, she might have pitied him. "Are you saying that one of your colleagues at work used this to spread rumors?"

His lack of response was taken as assent.

"Will, what kind of friend is that? What kind are the rest?" Exasperated.

Will looked appropriately abashed. And pathetic. And his next words made him seem even more so.

"It wasn't like that back home. People treat people better there."

 _Oh, God, I'm an idiot. I walked right into that._ JJ tried to walk back out.

"It doesn't need to be like that here, either, Will. You just need to stand up for yourself. For me. For _us_."

And then he reminded her of something she'd completely forgotten.

"You'll see what I mean. When we're back in New Orleans next weekend. You'll see how good the people are there."

* * *

"Hi."

"Hi yourself. Does the fact that we're talking at a reasonable time at night mean that you're back on the east coast?"

Reid laughed. "You sound like a profiler."

Stephanie laughed as well. "No. Just a cellist, grateful to be able to go to bed at a reasonable hour."

"How's the tour?"

"It's been great. Really well-received."

"That's not surprising. The orchestra has a world class string section."

He could hear the smile in her voice. "You're a sweetheart, you know that?"

As comfortable as he'd gotten with Stephanie, Reid still _wasn't_ comfortable with praise about anything but his intellect. He could only hope his blush wasn't evident over the phone. Best to change the subject.

"So, when do you think you'll be back?"

A short silence ensued, as Stephanie pondered her boyfriend's unusual lapse in memory.

"Um…..weren't we planning to meet up in Vegas this week? I wasn't really thinking about coming back to DC until after that. We have to be home for Memorial Day anyway. And then I have to get ready for China."

Reid was glad they hadn't video-conferenced. This way, she couldn't see him hit himself in the forehead.

 _Dolt!_

"Uh….Stephanie… I'm sorry to have to say this. Really I am. But the case isn't really over yet. It's just sort of …relocated."

"What do you mean? Aren't you in DC?"

"I am, but that's where we relocated to. There are some things we need to investigate locally."

She took a moment to absorb that. The fact that he was being a bit cryptic wasn't lost on her. It seemed that this was another one of those things he couldn't completely share with her.

"By 'we'….do you mean 'you'? You, personally, need to investigate it?"

Reid frowned into the phone. He'd never heard her sound remotely petulant. Until now. But he didn't challenge her. He simply answered factually.

"It's related to a case that I was involved in before. Or, we think it is, anyway. So, yes, it's important for me to be a part of it."

It was as though she'd heard the tone of her own voice and disapproved. Stephanie was immediately apologetic.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. I must sound like one of those dreadful people who can't get beyond their own needs. A narcissist, right?"

He smiled. She'd picked up quite a bit of his lingo.

"You're not a narcissist. You just wanted to make plans, and my job got in the way. It's nobody's fault. But I'm still sorry that we won't pull it off."

"Me too. I was really looking forward to seeing your hometown, and meeting your mother."

Meeting his mother was not something he was willing to have her do without his being present to run interference. But he might be able to help with the rest.

"Well, I think you'll find there are a lot more entertaining aspects to Las Vegas than you'll get on the 'Spencer Reid Tour'. But, if you really want to see a few things, I can send you a list of schools I went to, and a couple of parks I hung out at …and then there's always the university."

She tried to sound enthused. "Sure, send it. But it won't be quite the same without the narration."

He laughed. "Do you want me to record something? It can be like one of those self-tour things."

She joined him. "No. Don't mind me, I'm just a little disappointed. But I'll get over it. Do you think I'll see you before I leave for China? I'll be tied up at the concert, but maybe afterward?"

He forgot she couldn't see his shrug, and then quickly remembered. "I hope so. It's just…..you never know."

"So I gather. All right then, we'll just have to hope for the best. We really _are_ two ships passing in the night, aren't we?"

"I'm sorry, Steph."

"Nothing to be sorry about. It is what it is. Isn't that what they say? Let's just call it a night, and maybe things will look brighter in the morning. Agreed?"

"Agreed. But I really am sorry, Stephanie."

"So am I, Spencer. I think I'm just tired. The tour is catching up to me. Let's talk tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay. Good night."

"Good night. Sleep tight!"

As he shut down his phone, Reid pondered the difficulty of keeping a relationship going…..if, indeed, he and Stephanie actually had 'a relationship'….. with the kind of work he did.

 _I know she said she was okay about it, but I'd be a pretty bad profiler if I couldn't pick up on her disappointment. She's right. I don't know how we're supposed to have something develop between us with the kind of schedule I keep._

Not that he was sure he wanted 'something' to develop. But, even if he did, the BAU wasn't going to help that happen.

 _Maybe it's not just my lungs. Maybe there's another reason I should think about working for DHS._

* * *

JJ made a point of having breakfast with Henry. He'd already smothered her in bed, once he realized she was home. Now, she sat at the kitchen table beside him, watching him munch on his cereal.

 _Mom always says the most important conversations take place in the kitchen and the car. I guess it's time to find out if she's right._

"So," her opening salvo. "How was school while I was gone?"

"Okay." Shoveling another spoonful into his mouth.

"Daddy said you got a hundred on your spelling test. That's great!"

"Yeah."

"Anything else new?"

"Nope."

Apparently she was going to have to confront it directly. "Daddy told me something else, too. Something about what happened at recess?"

He shifted his eyes to hers, holding them a millisecond longer than necessary. JJ pushed.

"Do you want to tell me what happened at recess, Henry?"

She saw it all at once. The shame. The desire to tell her. The _need_ to tell her. The holding back.

 _God bless you, my little one. You have such a good heart!_ And she was determined to keep it that way.

"It's all right, Henry. You're not in trouble. I just want to know what happened."

That unlocked him. "I pushed Toby."

"You _pushed_ him?" Not quite what Will had said.

"Yeah. He made me mad, so I pushed him."

"That's it? You _pushed_ him? You didn't hit him? You didn't beat him up?"

Henry looked scandalized. "No, Mommy! I just pushed him, and the teacher said, 'No more pushing'."

JJ took a mouthful of what might as well have been cardboard, giving herself a moment to think.

 _Will exaggerated, to make a point. So, there's that. And I still have to know what got Henry so upset._

"Why did you push him, honey? What happened?"

Henry suddenly went silent, his face a cauldron of conflicting emotions. JJ put her hand on his arm.

"Henry. Look at me." He did. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just trying to understand what happened. I can tell you feel bad about it, don't you?"

A slow, sad nod.

"So why don't you tell me about it, and maybe we can figure out how to make it better."

"Really, Mommy?" Hopeful eyes.

"Really. So…..what was it?"

"Toby said something bad. And he wouldn't take it back. So I pushed him."

"What was it that he said?"

"He said mommies and daddies don't have to live in the same house if they don't like each other. And he said his mommy and daddy don't like each other, so his daddy doesn't live there any more. And then he said that you and Daddy don't like each other either!"

Also not quite as Will had reported, but it pierced her, nonetheless.

"Honey…..," not sure exactly where to start. Maybe at the end. "Is that what it was about? That you were afraid we wouldn't be living together?"

Henry didn't have to answer. His bursting into tears was response enough. JJ gathered her son into her arms.

"Oh, sweetheart, you don't need to worry about that. We're still all here together, aren't we?"

He sniffed. "But Toby said…"

She squeezed him quiet. "Toby is just….well, he's just a little sad right now, because things have changed at his house. But I know for a fact that both his mom and his dad love him very much."

She pulled back a bit and turned Henry so that he was looking at her.

"Sometimes grownups have trouble getting along. Even mommies and daddies," regretting, not for the first time, that he'd undoubtedly heard his own parents' raised voices. "But it doesn't have to mean they don't like each other. You still like Toby, don't you?"

"Mm—hmm."

"So, sometimes even grownups argue. Sometimes, like with Toby's mom and dad, they get along better if they _don't_ live together." She bent her head so that she was looking up at him. "You see?"

He didn't quite meet her eyes as he shrugged his response. JJ tried again.

"Honey, I think Toby just needs some time to get used to it. But, after he does….he'll be okay. He'll still have his mom, and his dad, just in different places."

Henry thought about that for a bit. "Do you think he'll have his own room at his dad's house and his mom's house?"

"Probably."

"What about his toys?"

JJ laughed, more at herself than at Henry. _Here I am, talking about relationships, and my sweet little six year old is worried about toys._

"I'm sure he'll have toys in both places. He'll be okay, Henry. Really."

The little guy drew himself up to his full height and gave a decisive nod. "Good." Then he turned to leave, the conversation over, as far as he was concerned.

His mother disagreed. "Not so fast, little man."

Henry turned again.

"There's something else we need to talk about."

"What, Mommy?" Innocently confused.

"I thought we talked about using our words and not our hands. Remember? Why did you push Toby instead of talking to him?"

Looking appropriately abashed, Henry could only shrug again. "I dunno."

"Well, let's make sure it doesn't happen again. Okay?"

It seemed he was being let off the hook, and Henry wasn't going to let the opportunity pass.

"Okay, Mommy! Bye! I gotta get ready for school!"

* * *

If she had to look for something good about this day, she found it sitting at the desk next to hers when she walked through the doors of the BAU. Reid was stretched back in his chair, sipping coffee and reading a newspaper. And breathing comfortably.

"Hey."

"Good morning." When she didn't return the greeting, he swung his feet down from where he'd been resting them on his desk, and eyed her. "Or is it?"

JJ dumped her purse and go bag on her desk. She'd been in heavy internal conversation the entire drive in, and she hadn't sorted it through yet. The last thing she should do, she thought, was to drag Reid through the same mud Will had dragged her through.

So she deflected. "It's fine. I probably just haven't had enough caffeine yet."

Grinning, he pushed back his chair and headed for the coffee bay. "The Spencer Reid delivery service can take care of that."

A minute later, he handed her a steaming mug. "One horribly unsweetened cup of coffee for the lady."

"Hmph. At least I'll keep my teeth."

"I have never had a single cavity, I'll have you know."

She _did_ know. And she didn't understand it. It was one of those ways the universe showed the true serendipity of its nature.

JJ took a sip from her mug and turned back to her friend. "So, you look like you're feeling better. Are you?"

He nodded. "Back to baseline. Kimura texted me this morning. She wants me to have some lung function studies done again, so she can get a better idea how much healing they've done."

"Does she think it might have affected the healing? You know, what happened the other day? Could it have set you back?"

Steeling herself for the answer, fearful of what he would say. Because, if it _had_ set him back, he really _couldn't_ be in the field. He couldn't afford it.

"She doesn't think so, but I guess that's what she wants to find out."

JJ caught his eyes and held them. "How do you feel about that?"

He stared back longer than he had to, and then broke away. "I don't know. I mean, I know this job isn't forever. And I know I've got other options."

Momentarily forgetting that he hadn't discussed those specific 'options' with her.

"But I guess I just always thought it would happen differently. That it would come to some sort of a natural end, although I'm not even sure what I mean by that. I never even thought about being forced out."

"Hmph. I didn't either, until it happened."

Neither of them really wanted to revisit that time. Better to focus on the present. So Reid changed the subject.

"Hey, there's a new feature coming to the IMAX at the Air and Space Museum. Do you think Henry and his friend would be up for it? We could use the tickets he won."

"The tickets _you_ won. Sure, I'll bet they'd love it." And it might serve to patch the little disagreement between the youngsters. "When were you thinking about?"

"Well, it's Memorial Day next weekend. There's a lot going on downtown, so maybe not then. How about the following one?"

"Sounds good. I'll check about Toby. Are you bringing Stephanie?" There were four tickets in play.

He shook his head. "I think she'll be headed out to China by then."

"Oh, I forgot. Well, are you guys doing anything this weekend? Will you go to the concert?"

"The orchestra is playing, so yeah, I'll probably go, but we won't be together. What about you?"

"Well, if you're going to be by yourself, maybe we could meet you and….oh. I forgot."

"Forgot what?"

"This is the weekend Will wants us to go to New Orleans. The one he planned without my input."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh. I don't even know if I can. We still have so much to do on this case."

"There will always be a case, JJ. It's not like serial killers take vacations. Go ahead and make your plans. I'm sure Hotch will be okay with it."

Ignoring the fact that he'd told Stephanie he couldn't meet her in Las Vegas because of their case. _Trying_ to ignore what it might mean that he'd just countered his own argument, with JJ. Telling himself that it was this _particular_ case that needed _his_ particular attention.

 _I'm not actually avoiding. Am I?_

His brain tried to pursue that topic of discussion, but his heart declined. So, as JJ headed off to speak with Hotch, Reid picked up his newspaper again, this time searching out the puzzle page.

Puzzles had always been his refuge, ever since he'd been a kid. Because puzzles didn't have feelings. Just answers.


	25. Chapter 25

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 25**

The usual morning meeting had been put off for a few hours, by order of the unit chief. Now, as he looked around the table at his gathered team, Hotch noted that each of them looked rested, as he'd hoped. Each of them, save one.

JJ looked drawn, anxious. Much as she had when she'd come to his office to ask for some vacation time. He'd been concerned, and asked her if she was feeling all right.

"Fine. And I'm so sorry for the short notice. It's just….Will's already made the plans, and I didn't know until we were already away, but if it's terrible timing, I'll just have to make him underst…."

She was speaking to his upraised palm.

"It's all right, JJ. Don't worry about the timing. If we waited for a break in the action, none of us would ever get vacation." Echoing Reid's words, then adding more of his own. "You haven't had any real vacation time in over a year, have you? I know you were out after the attack, but recovery time isn't relaxation time. Take the long weekend. In fact, take the whole week, if you like."

She shook her head, just a tad too vigorously. "No, Hotch. I told Will we had to have Henry back in school by Wednesday. I don't really want my son thinking school is an optional activity." Words which she had firmly said to her husband, as well. "So it will just be the Friday and Tuesday. I'll be back by the middle of next week."

She pushed back in her chair and rose. As she turned to go, Hotch called to her once again.

"JJ…..is everything all right?"

Concerned. Thinking he may have seen something in her features. Something familiar to him, from his own distant past, with Haley.

She faced him again, shaking her hair back to match the set of her shoulders.

"Of course. Why wouldn't it be?"

* * *

The meeting began with a status report from their leader.

"Sheriff Taylor believes Cooper is holed up at an old logger's cabin a few miles deep into the forest. They're setting up a perimeter around it now."

"He's probably not armed," offered Reid. "He dropped his weapon when we fought."

"Correct," agreed Hotch. "But they can't be sure there wasn't a weapon already in the cabin. So they're taking precautions. But they're ninety-five percent certain he's in there, so they should have him soon."

"And about ten minutes after that, he'll have a lawyer." Morgan sounded bitter. "I doubt we'll get anything more from him than we did from the others."

"But at least we'll have put a stop to him, right?" asked Kate.

Rossi explained what the rest of them were already thinking. "We'll have interrupted the _local_ operation. But this isn't your typical serial killer scenario. It's not like we have a single, pathologic individual that we can put away. This is an organization, and the worst kind of organization. It's an organization with an agenda. Until the agenda is resolved, they won't stop."

"Dave's right," agreed Hotch. We'll leave Cooper to the sheriff. What we need to be looking at now is the pipeline. Morgan and Kate, you'll interview everyone from the lab where the organism was developed. Kimura will arrange a schedule and space for you to work."

"A schedule?" asked Morgan. It wasn't something they usually required.

Hotch offered an explanation. "The lab is involved in critical research, and some of the work is very time sensitive. They need to be able to keep the operations going during the interrogation."

Kate made eye contact with her colleague and nodded. "Okay, then. We'll interview the workers from the lab."

Reid was curious. "Have we vetted them? Is there anyone who warrants specific attention?"

"Oh, Mon Cheri, of course I have!" Garcia was sitting in on the meeting. "There are thirty three people who spend time in the lab. Thirty four, if you count Dr. Kimura."

"And?" Rossi encouraged her to get to the point.

"Aaannndd…eight of them are still in graduate school, working toward their degrees. All eight have substantial student debt. But so do six of the major researchers there."

Kate almost hated to ask….but they had to know. "Anybody we know?" _Like Linda Kimura?_

All six held their breaths, waiting for Garcia to respond. The tech analyst recognized the gravity of the question, and put away her witty banter.

"No, thank the heavens. No one we know."

Six audible sighs of relief filled the room before Hotch moved them along. "Did you turn up anything beyond financial stress?"

Reid couldn't help revisiting the last time someone in a lab had gone on a murderous frenzy. To the contrary, he was having trouble getting it _out_ of his mind, in this conversation. So he had to ask.

"What about rivalry among the scientists? Do any of them seem to be in competition? Has there been anyone let go, or who failed a promotion?"

Morgan watched his younger colleague carefully, looking for any signs of emotional distress, relieved to be seeing none. _Maybe you're finally in a good place, Pretty Boy, being able to talk about it and stay on an even keel. It's about time._

It had been a little over two years since Maeve had died, killed by the hand of a rival she hadn't even known she had, a woman who perceived slights where no slights had ever been intended. Morgan thought about that. _How do you know if someone just_ perceives _a rivalry?_

It was a dilemma. Because it meant that, even if his Baby Girl hadn't turned up anything overt, it might still be going on. _Deep in the mind of our unsub._

He turned his attention back to Garcia, not wanting to miss what she had to say.

"Nada. Sorry."

Reid frowned. _Someone_ had to have taken a sample of the organism from the lab. Only a scientist would know how to preserve it. And yet, they could turn up no motive in the scientists working in the lab now. And then the necessary synapse fired.

"What about before? What about a rivalry that happened in a different lab? A lot of people move from lab to lab. Can we find out who's worked together before?"

Garcia was already pushing back her chair. "Can and will. I'll buzz you when I know." She hurried out of the room as fast as her platforms would carry her.

Hotch went back to making his assignments. "As I said, Morgan and Kate, you'll go to the lab and interview the staff. Rossi, JJ, you'll video conference with the CDC Vaccine Distribution center. We need a detailed understanding of how the pipeline works, and points at which it might be vulnerable to tampering."

Reid had been noticeably left out of the work plan, and tried not to look anxious about it. He was sure Hotch was shielding him yet again. Just recently, from physical exertion. And now from reminders of Maeve. And he didn't like it.

 _I'm not much of an agent if I have to be protected from the case._ So he did something he would normally not have done. Ever so subtly, he challenged his superior in public.

"What about me, Hotch?" _Can't you find anything for me to do?_

His unit chief was ready for him. "You'll be meeting with Kimura. She brief you on the process of vaccine production and stability. It's not just the _geography_ of the pipeline that we need to understand. It's how the unsub….or unsubs…know how to keep their samples from standing out among the others, and how they make certain it will accomplish the infection. We need to know about the _process_."

Reid nodded, sitting back. He was the only one on the team who might be capable of comprehending what Kimura needed to teach. _Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe he's not protecting me._

But his thoughts reversed once again, when Hotch added a final sentence.

"And, I believe she asked to see you anyway, correct?"

The return gaze lasted only a second longer than it needed to, but it was enough. _Message received._

* * *

"How are you holding up, Shorty?" Morgan tried to draw Kate out. She'd been quiet as they drove over to the lab.

She turned her head quickly to him. "Me? I'm fine. Just….tired, I guess."

"And nauseous?"

This time he got a grin. "Uh-uh. Not any more. Second trimester, thank God."

"Is that how…..oh, sorry."

Kate turned again, and saw that Morgan looked embarrassed.

"What?"

"I was going to ask if that's how the first pregnancy went….sorry, Kate. I just forgot. It was stupid of me."

She looked away from him, a small, wistful smile on her face. "There's nothing to be sorry about. Megs was so young when we got her…..when her mother died…..that sometimes _I_ even forget that she's not mine."

The senior profiler chanced a glance to the side. "She _is_ yours. That's how you think of her, isn't it?"

Kate unconsciously rubbed her abdomen with both hands. "It is. But…I don't know. Sometimes I think that, if it hadn't been that she's my sister's child…if we'd adopted her another way….it would have been easier to think of her as ours. To _forget_ that she had another set of parents. But, this way, it just feels like I would be dishonoring my sister. Forgetting _her_. And I don't want to do that. I think that's why we've always had Meg call us by our first names."

They'd worked together quite a bit since Kate had joined the team. JJ's prolonged, but effectively healing, absence, along with Reid's shorter, apparently less effective one, had seen to that. In that time, Morgan had come to appreciate his new colleague for her courage and her humor, and for the fierce maternal instinct that reminded him so much of his mother's.

"Meg is a good kid, and it's obvious how much you love her. This new baby will be one lucky kid."

She grinned. "Thanks."

Morgan knew it was probably none of his business….or maybe it was, considering how much each team member's life depended on the others….but he couldn't stop himself from asking.

"How are you going to manage this job with two kids?"

She was so unusually quiet for so long, that he thought she might be offended. He apologized.

"Sorry. Not my business, I know."

That shook her out of her thoughts. "No, no. Don't be sorry. It's just…..I'm not sure I _can_ do this job with two kids."

Now it was Morgan's turn for a long silence. "Oh."

* * *

The CDC requested to postpone their conference call by an hour, and Reid wasn't quite due to leave for Kimura's office yet. As JJ returned to her desk from the conference room, she noticed the look of displeasure on her best friend's face.

"What's wrong?"

He looked up, startled, apparently not having heard her arrival.

"Huh? Nothing's wrong." Said too quickly. "Why aren't you conferencing with the CDC?"

"They put us off for an hour. Some other crisis, I guess. It's kind of frightening, isn't it? I mean, think of it. Anthrax, Ebola, hantavirus, and now even our vaccines aren't safe. Infectious disease is a scary, scary thing."

He nodded. "At least most our fellow citizens don't know about hanta or even about the second round of anthrax."

It was so like Reid to say that in all sincerity, but it was equally like JJ to drip it with sarcasm.

"No, _we_ were the lucky ones in that lottery."

He gave her a wry grin. "And we're here to tell the story. So, there's another crisis?"

She knew him too well. His tone of voice told her he was trying to continue avoiding the original subject.

"Yes. But that's not what I asked you. When I startled you, I saw that look on your face."

Still trying. "What look?" Mr. Innocent.

"That look that says there's something wrong and I don't want to tell JJ about it."

He tried to glare at her, but couldn't quite muster it. Instead he tried one more parry.

"You know, maybe it's you who should be the detective in your family."

She made a 'gimme' gesture with her hand. "I don't need to be a detective. I'm a profiler. Now tell me what's wrong."

They'd both known he would give in eventually. Reid sighed.

"Hotch is protecting me."

She squinted at him sideways. "Protecting you?"

"He _is,_ JJ. He didn't send me to the lab because he thought it would bring back bad memories."

"Spence, he didn't send me or Rossi to the lab, either."

"I know, but…"

"But, maybe you're reading too much into it."

He shook his head. "I don't think so. He's sending me to Kimura so she can check me out."

" _And_ so you can learn about vaccine development. Were you thinking he should send one of the rest of us out on that task? Seriously, Spence, I haven't taken chemistry since high school. And I think the closest Rossi comes to dealing with chemistry is mixing a good Scotch. And…"

He stopped her with his palm. "All right, I get it. I know I'm the best choice for it. And maybe you're right. Maybe I'm being too sensitive about it. It's just that…I don't want to be anybody's burden."

JJ rose from her chair and rounded the separation to plop herself on the edge of Reid's desk.

"You are _not_ a burden to anyone. If anything, you've eased _my_ burdens a thousand fold, over and over again. I wouldn't even be here, if not for you, Spence. So, please, stop. It's just a matter of time before your lungs heal, and then everything will be back to normal."

He wasn't quite there yet. "But…look at it this way. Suppose it had been _you_ who'd gone missing with Cooper in those woods. Suppose _I_ was the one looking for _you_ , and I couldn't keep up. What might have happened then?"

She looked away, staring out the window, waiting for a response to present itself. Because, on some level, he was right. It might have been the other way around. And things might have gone very wrong, for both of them. But they hadn't.

And, suddenly, there was the answer. She recognized it because she'd heard it so many times before, from the person sitting across from her.

"Haven't you told me, oh a hundred times, or maybe a thousand, that there _is_ no 'might'? That we can only know what did happen. We can't know what might have happened if we'd made another choice, because we didn't make that choice."

His eyes widened. "You were listening?"

She smiled. "Maybe not the first fifty times, but, yes, all of the rest. Because you were right. Every time I've doubted myself, you've held me up by supporting my choice."

He looked down, smiling to himself now. "There can be only one knowable timeline."

She pointed at him. "That! That's exactly what you always say." She smiled her affection at him. "Foiled by his own words, he is."

He returned a shy grin. "So it seems." He looked up at her now. "Thanks."

A flick of JJ's wrist showed her watch to him and he jumped up.

"It's almost twelve thirty. I've gotta go. I'll see you later."

JJ gave him a slow, royal wave. "Say 'hi' to Linda for me. And blow _hard_!"

* * *

He arrived a few minutes early for his appointment, to find the reception area empty. Seeing Kimura's office door open a few inches, he chanced knocking on it. The small amount of force pushed the door the rest of the way. Reid was taken aback to see his physician friend finishing up with her port.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to barge in…"

She waved him entrance and indicated that he should close the door behind him.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. The door must not have latched. I don't usually 'shoot up' where anyone can see."

Reid apologized once again. "I should just have waited, but your receptionist had stepped away." He indicated the syringe and other paraphernalia on her desk. "You've been so quiet about it, I think I'd forgotten that you're still taking prophylaxis."

She shrugged it away. "It's a minor inconvenience for me. Not so for all of the families who've lost children. The last thing I'm going to do is to complain."

If he hadn't already admired Linda Kimura, Reid would have become a fan at that moment.

 _You don't have to fight fire, or criminals, or international enemies to have a huge, valorous heart_ , he thought, _and she proves it._ _You just have to care._

She'd already spoken with Hotch and knew he was there to learn about vaccine processing. But he was also there for something else.

"Let me do a quick exam, and then I'll send you down for your pulmonary function tests. I need to handle an urgent consult, so I can do that and then we can get down to business. All right?"

"Can you give me a few articles to read while I'm waiting? Then maybe I can just tell you what I've learned, and you can answer a few questions for me."

She nodded, smiling. "Of course. Paper or tablet?"

"Paper is better. I don't do as well on the tablet. I think I accidentally change the size of the font, and it changes the location of something on a page, and that messes me up. So, if you don't mind…"

She grinned. "Paper it is."

* * *

Nearly two hours later, Reid was seated back in Kimura's reception area, waiting for her to be ready for him.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Reid. They'd asked her to consult on a patient over in the hospital wing, and now she's on an urgent phone call. Should I interrupt her?" the receptionist had asked.

"Not to worry, I've got a bit more reading to do." He held up his stack of articles. "I'll just wait here."

Which was what he was doing when the receptionist's phone buzzed. Reid heard only the one side of the conversation.

"Yes, he's right here. I didn't realize they'd sent the results already. Yes, I'll print them out for him."

The receptionist looked up. "She's ready for you now. You can go right in."

Reid felt that unwelcome fluttering in his stomach, that visceral anticipation of bad news. If Kimura wanted to give him a copy of his PFT results, that probably meant they weren't good.

He slowly rose and headed for her doorway, turned the knob, and stepped inside. Kimura had been looking out her window into the courtyard beyond. When she turned around, he saw the grim set of her lips.

"It's bad news, isn't it?"


	26. Chapter 26

_**A.N. With apologies to the guest reviewer who doesn't enjoy it when the characters think too much.**_

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 26**

It had been a long, eventful day, and Spencer Reid had a lot to think about. And, for a change, he had time to think about it.

It had turned out to be one of those evenings he would have _always_ treasured, if he'd known. But he'd taken them for granted, before. A night without commitment. No hotel room in the middle of nowhere, no late night writing of reports, not even any coursework to do this late into the spring. No mentoring, either chess or FBI, no girlfriend in town.

The last thought brought him up short. No girlfriend in town. He still wasn't used to it. Until about six months ago, that particular thought had always ended after the words 'no girlfriend'. But he _had_ a girlfriend now. And, heaven help him, he was relieved that she was away. _Relieved_.

He had no idea if this was a normal phase in a relationship. He didn't have a huge basis for comparison. All through high school and college, he'd been so much younger than his classmates that dating hadn't been much of an option. And his male classmates weren't exactly interested in discussing their romantic adventures with a thirteen year old. There _had_ been a little talk the last year he'd served at a teaching assistant. By then, he'd only been two years younger than some of his students. They didn't mind talking in front of him. But all they really talked about were their conquests. And none of that jived with what he'd expected. He'd grown up on the kind of romantic love he'd heard about from his mother, and read about in the literature of a few centuries ago.

 _Maybe that's my problem. I'm fantasizing about an eighteenth century lifestyle, but living in the twenty-first._

Almost without warning, he'd been thrust into his adulthood, in the form of the FBI. Since he'd been with the agency, he'd barely had time for anything outside of work. So his romantic mentoring had all been vicarious, as he observed the relationships of the members of his team. First, Gideon, already divorced before Reid had even met him. Then Hotch, whose marriage deteriorated virtually right in front of their eyes. And whose subsequent relationship, with Beth, had been eroded through distance. Rossi had arrived with _three_ ex-wives in his wake. _Three._ And then there was Morgan, who cultivated his role and reputation as a 'playa' for reasons Reid could never quite understand.

 _At least he's got someone now. It seems real enough. I can tell, because he doesn't really talk about her. He keeps her to himself._

Either way, he wasn't exactly going to learn about romance from the example of the male members of his team. So his thoughts turned to the female members, and landed where they always landed first.

JJ. He could never quite reflect on JJ, and his relationship with her, and _her_ relationship with Will, without a sense of turmoil. Way back when, it had almost seemed like Gideon was pushing him toward her. Looking back on it, Reid thought it was more like a parent sending two children out to play together. As much as he'd enjoyed her beauty, and been intrigued to know what lay behind that guarded exterior, Reid had never actually entertained any idea of a romance between them. He hadn't known how. And he'd been guarding his own exterior at the time.

But, with time, experiences were shared, and guards let down, and, very gradually, he'd come to know a true, deep friendship for the first time in his life. It had been difficult for him to stand by….stand _aside_ …and watch as she moved away from him and toward Will LaMontagne, no matter how different the natures of the two relationships. But he loved her, and wanted only for her to be happy. For a time, for a very brief time, it seemed that he would get his wish. But that time had come, and gone. And, although he knew she would never say it aloud to him, he also knew that JJ wasn't happy. It may not have been evident to the others, but he saw it each time they were together, in the smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, or the untaken opportunity to hurry home to her husband. No, it seemed, Reid wouldn't learn about the true nature of a romantic relationship by studying his best friend's marriage.

And Emily…..ah, Emily. There was always that little 'pang' associated with thoughts of Emily. In some ways, they couldn't have been more different. But, he'd often thought, in this one way, they were so very much alike. They were both solitary creatures, traveling through life in the service of a mission, even while not quite understanding what that mission might be. Neither had ever really had a functional family. Neither had ever really thought to engage in the search for a life partner. But partnership had found them. For Emily, it had been the tragic and doomed relationship with a man she'd been sent undercover to bring down. For Reid…..

That was one thing he _did_ have in common with most of the others in the BAU. He'd lost someone he loved to a violent death, just like Gideon, Hotch, Rossi, even Emily.

That he'd _had_ someone to love, and lose, had caught him completely off guard. He'd been taken by surprise with Maeve, seeking one thing…..relief from the unrelenting pain in his head….and finding another….a sweetness of spirit that gradually awakened a true sense of longing. Before Maeve, he'd wondered at what really went on in a relationship, but there had been something almost academic in his curiosity, something removed. He'd studied his friends, and their relationships, so he could understand more about _them_ , and not about himself.

But, suddenly, everything changed. Improbably, unexpectedly, his life had been graced with Maeve Donovan, and he'd experienced that deep, validating connection that formed between one core and another. That 'something' that told him he was more than he'd ever even realized, that he was more than the sum total of his IQ points, and his collection of PhDs. She'd inspired in him a desire to be the man _she_ thought him to be. His better self, a worthy companion to the woman he loved.

He'd begun to experience a richness to his life, one that he'd not even known existed. He'd never quite seen it in any of the others, and he couldn't help but wonder if it was just invisible on the outside. But it didn't f _eel_ invisible. He _felt_ different, and the world _looked_ different, all because her love was changing him. He couldn't help but wonder if _he_ was the only one among them with a _true_ experience of love.

The wondering had ended abruptly, as had all of the rest. The fullness had given way to an aching emptiness, the richness spent into a mocking poverty of love in his life. For a long time, he'd felt only that, and he'd nearly succumbed to it. He'd been grateful when the pain had faded into a tolerable numbness.

But the numbness had given way to anguish once again when he'd almost lost the most sustained and sustaining relationship in his life. After Will, and after a painful secret kept from Reid had nearly destroyed what they had between them, JJ had made her way back into his heart...and then nearly broken it in two once again when she'd almost died. It had been enough for him to remember what caring felt like, and how much like death it had felt _not_ to care. He'd been able to save her, and saved himself in the process. But it had cost him.

Once awakened, his heart remembered. It remembered the pain, but it also remembered the sweetness. The craving for more. And, then, so recently acquainted with a loving relationship, Reid had begun to long for it, in earnest.

If not for that longing, he might have shied away from taking a chance on Stephanie. He might have tried to be content with his friendships, and his career. But the longing wouldn't be ignored, nor dispensed with. Not then, and not now.

It wasn't as though things were coming to a head. It didn't feel as dramatic as that. There wasn't enough emotional energy behind it. But he knew he could no longer lie to himself. He'd tried to believe all relationships were like theirs. Comfortable. Friendly. Vaguely supportive. That's certainly what it had looked like with JJ and Will for a long time. He'd tried to tell himself that what he'd had with Maeve was the _atypical_ love, the one that eluded most people. The kind of love that he couldn't _expect_ to have for a second time in his life.

But it was becoming increasingly clear that he and Stephanie had to make a decision. If he stepped back and studied his own behavior, he had to admit that he'd been miserly in granting her access to some parts of his life. He'd shared his feelings about Maeve, and been grateful to do so with someone who'd carried a similar sorrow. He thought she understood that one thing about him better even than JJ. But he'd not shared anything about his early life, save that he'd been a child prodigy of divorced parents. His mother's illness, his father's abandonment, the victimhood of his youth….all of these, he'd kept from her.

 _Do I not feel safe with her? She's never done anything to make me think I couldn't be. I don't think she would ever purposely hurt me. No, that's not it. So, what? Did I hold back because I knew it wasn't right between us? Because I'm still looking for that connection that I had with Maeve? The one that may never come again?_

In truth, he _did_ have that connection in his life. But it was with his best friend, who was committed to another man. It was different with JJ, from what it had been with Maeve. With Maeve, it had been exciting, and new, and energizing. With JJ it was just warm, and comforting, and deep. So very, very, deep.

 _Maybe that's why I didn't let Stephanie in all the way. Because I didn't have to._

From time to time, he'd wondered if things might have gone differently between himself and his best friend, if either of them had been in a different emotional place as their friendship formed. _But I was lazy. Or scared. Or maybe I just wasn't ready. And then, before I knew it, there was Will._

So he'd let it go, without even giving it a chance. He hadn't really thought about it again until the whole blowup over Emily. And then, it had been to privately gloat over how smart he'd been not to get involved with someone who could hurt him so much.

But the anger had faded, if not the hurt. And the love had surmounted everything, and they'd found their way back to one another.

His thoughts returned to Stephanie. He would see her this weekend, if he wanted to. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt her. But he sensed that she was very much in the same position as he was. She'd suffered a loss, that had devastated her for years. She'd told him that, while she'd dated a few others, her relationship with _him_ was the first one that had taken root. And yet….

 _I don't think she loves me. I don't. Not that way. I would feel it. Right?_

It felt like a deadline loomed, and yet it was a deadline of his own making. He should talk with her this weekend. But could he? Would he?

 _Will I be giving up something that's 'as good as it gets'? If I do, does that mean I'm willing to settle for nothing? Or should I not be settling at all?_

Reid was still in the midst of his dilemma when his phone sounded. He almost let it go to voicemail, knowing that it wouldn't be Garcia, contacting him about a case. Garcia always texted. But his sense of responsibility won out, and he looked at the display on the screen.

 _JJ. Oops._

He should have called her. The team's plans to convene late in the day had been derailed, and he hadn't spoken with her since before he'd left for Kimura's office. He knew how anxious she was about his health, and he should have let her know. So he took the call.

"Hey, JJ."

"Hi." Short silence, broken by, "What a mess, huh?"

"I know. Idaho _and_ California. Kimura was beside herself."

JJ misinterpreted. "She's not thinking she's responsible, is she?"

"No, of course not! Well, not directly. But she's convinced it's coming out of the lab, and they all report to her. So…you know."

"So she's bearing the weight of the world on her shoulders right now."

"Kind of. I guess there's somebody higher up who's on her case. Doesn't want NIH or the CDC to look bad, so it sounds like they're looking around for a scapegoat."

"And she's it? Dr. Kimura? Oh, Spence, that's so unfair! It's just another reason we have to get on top of this thing."

"How did you and Rossi make out?"

"Well, it turned out that was what postponed our conference call with them. They'd just gotten the reports on the new cases. They told us they'd just decided to stop all vaccine delivery, but Rossi talked them out of it."

Reid agreed with his senior colleague. "We'll only be able to find the place where the pipeline is compromised if we allow it to continue to operate."

"That's what Rossi said. He laid out a few scenarios for them, and they finally got it."

"Good. But we also have to keep the kids safe. What's the plan on that?"

"Hmph. That's the dilemma. So far, the press only knows there have been cases of meningitis on the west coast, but not that it's been caused by man-made bacteria. And they'd like to keep it that way."

"Yeah, I can just imagine the reaction if the word got out. But there has to be a way to be sure that no more kids will be inoculated with the contents of the contaminated syringes."

"I know. That was mostly what we ended up talking to them about."

"And?"

"And, they're trying to come up with something plausible to put out to the end users. Something that won't sound too alarming, but will postpone the deliveries to the offices."

"Good luck with that."

"Yeah, I know. And that's not even taking into account the actual vaccine manufacturers."

She'd hit on something that excited him. "I know! I was thinking about that. Since we don't know which of the vaccines is contaminated….or even if more than one of them is…..we need to answer that question first."

"Why?"

"Because, if it turns out that multiple vaccines are involved, made by multiple manufacturers, then it's less likely that the contamination is happening in the vaccine labs, and more likely that the contaminated syringes are being added at distribution points."

" _More_ likely. But not absolutely."

"Nothing is absolute. But we have to deal in probabilities here, if we want to get anywhere."

She trusted him. "All right, I'll bite. How do we find out which vaccine it is? Or vaccines?" Emphasizing the plural.

It was exactly the question he'd been waiting for. "We tag it! Linda walked me through the vaccine development process, and then she ran through what was happening in her lab. And, it turns out, she can tag the man-made pneumococcal strain with a radioactive isotope. If they're channeling the bacteria from the lab and into the vaccine supply, it will show up. We just have to scan for it."

He sounded so excited that she didn't want to put a damper on it. But logic begged a question.

"But, what if they already _have_ their supply? What if they just keep using what they already have?"

He was ready for it. "Kimura ran some tests as soon as the first case report came in. The lab bacteria strain doesn't remain viable for too long at the temperatures required for vaccine storage. So she's pretty sure they'll have to keep replenishing the supply."

She thought about for a minute, then acceded. "Sounds like a plan then."

"She'll get on it tomorrow."

"Good. You know, I'm glad we're up to speed on the case, but that's not really why I called. I just wanted to see how you were. And how _Kimura_ said you were."

The words caused him to flash back to his conversation with Kimura this afternoon, and that seemingly year-long ten seconds that it had taken for her to respond to his question. "It's bad news, isn't it?"

"My God, it's terrible," she'd said, not even turning around. And his stomach had plummeted. When she did finally turn, and saw the look on his face, Kimura realized her error.

"Oh, no, Spencer! I wasn't talking about your test results. Oh, I'm so sorry! It's just that I've gotten terrible news from the CDC…" and she'd proceeded to tell him about the new cases of meningitis. They'd both gotten so caught up in the new development, and how to deal with it, that he'd nearly forgotten to ask again, until just before he'd left. And now he told JJ what Kimura had told him.

"She said it was neither good nor bad. I've made a little progress, so that's sort of good. But not as much as she would have expected. Except that she's never dealt with someone who's had both anthrax and hanta before."

 _Of course not._ She couldn't keep the concern out of her voice. "So, what does it mean?"

He tried to assure her, even if he wasn't exactly feeling assured himself.

"She said she wants me to try some pulmonary rehab therapy. I'm supposed to go and meet with someone tomorrow."

"What is it?"

"The therapy? Don't know for sure, but she said they'll help me gradually get back my lung volumes. As long as it doesn't involve running, I'm game."

She laughed. It was a long-standing thing between them, that she was the runner, and he the walker.

"Well, I'm going to pray really hard that it works. And here's fair warning. I'm going to harass you to make sure you go, and that you do whatever they tell you to. And when I'm away, I'm appointing Garcia to sub for me."

"Oh, man."

"No, oh wo-man. Do not try to fight us, Spencer Reid."

He laughed. "Heaven forbid."

"So, the other thing I was calling about was to tell you that I won't see you until next week."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. It seems that my ' _husband_ ' didn't want us to waste almost a full day traveling, so he decided we'd go down to New Orleans a day earlier. So we can have more time with the cousins." Sounding like she was looking forward to anything but.

It was one of the things that had been bothering Reid of late. He and JJ had managed to not talk about the quality of her relationship with Will, or even to reference it, until a few months ago. It had been an unspoken agreement between them, a rule of sorts, that her marital status would remain outside the bounds of their friendship. But, more and more often, she'd made allusions to discord, or her own upset with something Will had done. Reid took it as a measure of how much emotional turmoil she was in. What he had trouble sorting out was whether the turmoil was primarily because of Will, or if it stemmed from the traumas she'd been subjected to over the past few years. And he simply didn't know if he should break their unwritten rule, by asking.

Instead, he tried to be encouraging. It sounded like something that was already done, so there was no point in poking the wound.

"Look at it this way. You get an extra day off, and I know you can use it."

"Hmph. An extra day of making nice with a houseful of Will's cousins isn't exactly my idea of rest and relaxation."

He didn't really have a comeback for that. "Well, Henry will have fun, anyway. Won't he?"

He heard her sigh. "We'll find out. I think he might like the _idea_ of cousins more than the real thing, but who knows?"

"Well, I hope you both have fun, anyway. When are you back?"

"Tuesday. Will also managed to 'mistakenly' prolong the trip on the other end, but I made him change the ticket dates."

"Ouch, doesn't that cost money?"

"Too bad. I _told_ him I didn't want Henry missing so much school. I guess he didn't take me seriously. Now he can pick up an extra moonlighting shift to pay for it."

Reid held his tongue. This really wasn't like JJ. The fact that she wasn't filtering information at all concerned him. But he waited her out, just long enough for her to fill the silence.

"Did you decide if you're going to the concert?"

"Yeah, I think so. I've actually never been before, believe it or not. The orchestra will be playing behind the fireworks, so Steph won't be free until it's all over. But she doesn't have much time in town before she leaves for China, so I thought we'd meet up for a little bit."

 _And maybe for the last time, if I'm brave enough. Who knows?_

He heard another sigh come through the phone. "You guys are good at managing a long distance relationship. That was something I never mastered."

"I don't know…." _I don't know that we have a relationship. Not the kind you mean._

"No, really. You act like adults about it. You each have a job to do, and sometimes it takes you away from one another. But you just deal with it."

Dr. Logic replied. "Is there any other way to do it?"

She chuckled, more to herself than to him. A bitter chuckle. _Apparently not._

"No, I guess there isn't. Okay, I'll leave you to whatever you were doing. I just wanted to let you know I was leaving tomorrow. And mostly I just wanted to hear that you were okay." Not having actually heard it.

He knew she bore that particular burden, even when it wasn't really hers to bear. She still blamed herself for his having contracted the hantavirus.

"I _will_ be okay. I've got a great doctor looking after me, and a world class harasser who's just promised to make me do whatever my doctor says."

She laughed, as he'd intended. "Yes, you do. And I will. Good night, Spence. Have a great time with Stephanie, and I'll see you next week."

"I will. Give Henry a hug for me, will you? And tell him I'm looking forward to going to the museum with him."

"Actually, he must have known I was going to call you, because he sends his regards. And a reminder that you promised him popcorn during the movie. _And_ candy."

Pause. "Um..."

"You are so busted, mister."

"Good night, JJ."


	27. Chapter 27

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 27**

 _You never realize,_ thought Reid, as he doodled on his pad, waiting for the meeting to start. _You never realize how much presence a person has, until she's missing._

For him, it felt like there was a huge chasm at the table _._ It reminded him of those other times JJ had been absent from the team: first, when she'd had Henry, and then, when she'd been drafted and whisked away by the Pentagon. Or so they had been told.

But this time was different, he knew that. It wasn't like when she'd been out with Henry. Then, he'd been able to visit her, and she'd brought Henry in to visit them. Nor was it like that time that was still painful to remember, even when all he'd thought was that she was working in a secure building. That time, it had felt like an open wound, inflicted by an unexpected and unknown threat. He'd seen very little of her, during that absence. Until last year, he'd thought it was because that was how she wanted it. He'd questioned everything he'd known about their friendship, that she would take such advantage of her reassignment to rid herself of him.

 _And yet, when Emily was missing, and JJ came back…..I'll never forget that day. Never. I felt like I was torn in two, devastated at the thought of Emily being in mortal danger, and yet thrilled to see my best friend again_. _Even if I'd wondered why my best friend seemed to have abandoned me._

He'd felt foolish, afterward. In some ways, he still felt foolish about it now. Because he'd never even thought to question exactly what had happened when she'd been gone. Gone, not just from the team, but from him, from his life. Abruptly, with virtually no contact. And yet, he'd just fallen back into her arms when she'd reappeared, and he'd thought they'd lost Emily. That night, and many nights thereafter. He'd needed her, as he had so many times before, and she'd been there.

It had taken time, but he'd gotten himself together, eventually. But he'd fallen apart again, when Emily reappeared, miraculously resurrected. That time, the absence had been self-inflicted, and there had been no consolation. How, exactly, is one consoled, when the cause of the strife is the 'consoler'?

In those days, Reid had felt more isolated than ever before in his life, even more isolated than he'd felt in his childhood. It wasn't all that surprising, he'd later mused. After all, when he'd been younger, he'd not really had any friends to lose. But, his adulthood had brought friendships, both casual and deep. The two deepest, those with Emily and JJ, had become the _source_ of his angst. And he simply hadn't been able to join with the others in forgiving them, in celebrating Emily's improbable return. The others had been able to focus on the positive. But not Reid. Not for a long, painful time.

He'd never believed it could happen, but, somehow, they'd gotten through it, he and JJ. Slowly, tentatively, _miraculously_ , they'd rebuilt trust and he'd learned to forgive. That, by itself, had been the subject of many a nights' musings, and he couldn't help but revisit it now.

 _I don't think I'd ever really done it before. With my mom, there was nothing to forgive. She couldn't help being how she was, and 'how she was', was all I knew. With dad…..well, I don't think I've ever really tried. Still._

 _Everyone else…..all the people who found amusement in humiliating me…..I've never forgotten, and I never even considered forgiving them. It wasn't necessary. I just left them behind._

 _But JJ and Emily….and especially JJ…. I_ loved _them. I let them_ in _. They became part of me. That's why it hurt so much. And that's why I couldn't just walk away, and leave it behind me. I_ had _to find a way to get through it. I_ had _to learn how to forgive._

Even so, even after JJ had begged him to do so, he hadn't. He'd done what he'd thought was the socially acceptable thing to do. He'd agreed to bury the hatchet, even if it felt like he would have to first remove it from his back. He'd been polite, externally friendly, even. But he'd kept his distance, and he'd known JJ was acutely conscious of it. It had taken a sustained show of caring and openness….an openness he'd apparently only _perceived_ ….for him to be able to really reach anything resembling forgiveness. He'd been able to see that she was as disappointed in her own behavior as he had been. And he'd felt compassion, which began to fill the space between them. Because, after all, he _did_ love her.

She'd been as close to him as he would allow anyone while he'd grieved Maeve. He'd come to understand JJ in a new way, then. Because he'd come to know what it felt like to have failed someone else, someone you loved. He'd come to realize that forgiving _yourself_ was the hardest thing of all.

It was what had sustained their friendship through the revelation that there was still more that she hadn't shared with him. Hadn't shared with _anyone_ , really. Many a time, Reid had pondered the irony. If not for the loss of Maeve, he might _still_ have lost his relationship with JJ. Such pondering had led, repeatedly and inevitably, to the obvious question: would he have been willing to sacrifice his love of JJ for that of Maeve? It was a question he'd not expected to have to answer. And, having asked it, he'd never quite worked himself all the way to a solution.

 _What's the point? Maeve's already gone. I would never even have thought about it, if she hadn't been._

And yet, the question had returned to him, over and over again, in the intervening years, as though demanding an answer. And he'd declined, over and over again, not quite wanting to go where the answer might take him. And not quite wanting to understand why.

"Reid?"

He blinked himself back to alertness, not certain how long he'd been distracted from the conversation around him. Frankly, he hadn't even noticed when they'd become fully….almost fully….assembled. Now, he didn't know which question he'd failed to answer. He only knew that it was Hotch's voice addressing him.

He immediately straightened up in his chair. "Sorry."

Rossi was seated next to him. "You feeling okay, my young friend?"

Which reminded Reid that they'd skipped that late afternoon meeting yesterday.

"I'm great. Kimura says there's been no deterioration." Knowing, even as he said it, that his attempt at misdirection wouldn't fly in a room full of profilers.

He wasn't disappointed. Rossi took in his statement, and parried. "No deterioration. But also no improvement?"

Reid tried to look positive. "A little. Maybe." Then, remembering a possible promising spin, "She thinks I can improve it with some physical therapy."

Kate was skeptical. "How does physical therapy help breathing?"

Kimura had prepped him. "Respiration is a muscle-mediated function. So, doing exercises is supposed to help that."

Morgan's face split into a wide grin. "Pretty Boy's gonna work out! Look out, ladies!"

Not surprisingly, a blush rode slowly up Reid's neck. Garcia saw, and defended her younger friend.

"Why don't you try working out that muscle between your ears, Atlas?"

Hotch got them back on track. "So, you're cleared to work?" Staring just a bit too intensely at the BAU genius.

Who got the message. No more 'second opinions'. "I'm cleared. She said I can do pretty much anything I feel up to."

The heavy brow furrowed. "All right. Just make sure you don't 'feel up to' more than you should."

"Understood."

Satisfied, Hotch proceeded with the meeting, asking each group to report in from the prior day's investigation. Once they were done, he opened them up to discussion. To nearly everyone's surprise, it was Penelope Garcia who started them off.

"Before you guys, you know, do your thing, there's something else." Looking to Hotch for permission to continue.

"Go ahead."

She immediately straightened herself in her seat, and began clacking away at her keyboard, calling up the information. "Well, I talked with Derek yesterday afternoon, and I knew he and Kate hadn't really come up with anything, so I asked myself a question." Pausing, apparently waiting for encouragement.

It came from David Rossi. "Which was?" A hint of impatience in his voice.

"Which was…..if we can't find someone with an insurmountable debt, what if we need to look for someone who's not in debt _yet_?"

Kate's facial expression indicated her lack of understanding. "You mean like…..a gambler, or something?"

Garcia looked almost stricken. "OMG, I didn't even think of that! How stupid am I?"

Reid tried to bring her back. "What did you think of, Garcia?"

"Oh. Well, I'd already looked at loans, and credit checks. But I hadn't looked at outstanding bills."

Morgan didn't think that was a huge oversight. "Wouldn't the charges show up on their credit cards, even if they hadn't paid them yet?"

Garcia nodded. "Most of them would. And I even thought to look at all of their utility bills, just in case they paid them a different way. Because everybody has utilities, right? But then, I thought, what about a bill that not everybody has to pay? One that might have been disputed, so it wasn't showing up anywhere yet, and…"

Reid was there. "Medical bills. Hospital bills, in particular. You only get saddled with those if you have bad luck."

"And bad insurance," finished Rossi. Turning to their technical analyst, he added, "Good thinking, Penelope. I take it you found something?"

"I did! Peter Ramos. He's a post-doc working in the lab. His mother just died a few months ago, from ovarian cancer. And the hospital is coming after him to the tune of $148,456 dollars. And ninety-three cents."

The others shared looks around the table, Morgan and Kate squinting their lack of recognition. She spoke for both of them.

"I don't even remember meeting him yesterday. Are you saying he wasn't on the list for student loans?"

Garcia had already double checked. "He's not. Apparently, he had some scholarship money, and was able to pay the rest off through work study. So he never came up on our radar, until I thought to look for things like outstanding medical bills."

Hotch nodded. "Good thinking, Garcia."

"Thank you, sir. But I think Kate's right. I should look into gambling as well."

Reid wasn't so sure that was possible. "How will you do that?" It seemed more likely a profiler would uncover the behavior.

Hotch thought so, too. "Reid, Rossi, you haven't been to the lab yet. Go back and run a few more interviews. Kate, Morgan, you'll follow up on Ramos. I'll coordinate with Kimura about tagging the vaccine supply." Turning back to the analyst, he started, "Garcia,..."

She leapt up, closing her laptop at the same time. "I shall do my best to perform an investigatory miracle. Sir."

* * *

On their way to the lab, Rossi spent a good while studying his colleague from the passenger seat of their SUV. Finally, he was ready to speak.

"You're troubled."

Caught off guard, Reid flashed his senior a look. "What?"

"You were concentrating so hard, it looked like you were trying to solve the problem of cold fusion."

"Cold fusion is an eminently solvable problem. Don't be surprised when you hear about a breakthrough."

Rossi was unmoved. "Stop deflecting. You're troubled. I'm here. What's on your mind?"

It wasn't necessary for him to beat around the bush. This wasn't the first time he'd imposed himself on Reid's struggles.

The younger man spent a very obvious few seconds ransacking his brain for something to present, apart from what he had actually been thinking about. Finding nothing suitable, he gave in, with a sigh.

"I think I need to have a difficult conversation."

Rossi's eyes narrowed in puzzlement, until he remembered. "Your young lady? What is her name?"

"Steph. Stephanie. Yes."

Rossi looked away, out the window. "Ah. An affair of the heart gone wrong. Well, you're traveling with the master. Shoot."

Reid gave a short, bitter chuckle. "No offense, Rossi, but your track record doesn't exactly point to your being all that good with difficult conversations."

A surprised, wry grin erupted on Rossi's face. "Touche. All right, maybe I'm not so good at it. But that doesn't mean you can't learn from my mistakes."

Reid laughed, genuinely. "Good point. All right. So, yes, it's about Stephanie. I just….. I don't think it's going to go anywhere with us. I mean, she's a wonderful person, and we've been good for one another. But….I don't know…..there's just something that's missing. Something that I'd always thought would be there, if I ever fell in love."

"Something you had with Maeve?"

Reid had to shake his head. "I don't know. I mean, emotionally, yes, I had it with Maeve. But I never had to _live_ with it. I can't believe I'm even saying this, but maybe being with Stephanie gave me a different perspective. I loved Maeve, really, I did. I'm sure of that."

The two men had been through this before. Rossi nodded at Reid to continue.

"But we never had to _live_ it. We never had to _actually_ be who we each thought the other one was. It was….. it was _real,_ I don't mean to say that it wasn't. I would never, ever do that. No, it was real, all right. It just wasn't…. _complete_."

Rossi watched his younger colleague intensely now, feeling unduly paternal, but giving in to the feeling, knowing that there was no other such figure in Reid's life.

"Are you saying it isn't 'complete' with Stephanie, either?"

Reid shook his head. "I don't even know how to answer that. I mean, she's wonderful, and I think the world of her. For the life of me, I don't know _why_ or _how_ I know that it's not right. I just know that it's not right."

"And you don't think you'll grow into it. You don't think it will just take time."

The younger man shrugged. "Pretty much, I don't know _anything." Hence my dilemma._

Rossi tried to downplay it. "Maybe you don't need to do anything about it right now. What's your hurry?"

"She's traveling. A lot. And, at the end of next week, she heads off to China for a few weeks. She hasn't said, but I know the China invitation is just the beginning of it. They're good. _She's_ good. She'll have more invitations. She'll be away, and when she's in town, half the time, I'll be away. I just don't want to hold her back for something that will probably die from neglect anyway."

The rigors of the job had done damage to several of Rossi's relationships. He couldn't help but be honest about it.

"You know, if you're looking for love, there are more conducive ways to make a living than this one. Have you given that any thought?"

For whatever reason, Reid still wasn't quite ready to share about that. So he did his best to deflect.

"I'm not looking for love, Rossi. Maybe that's part of it. It found me, once, and took me totally by surprise. And look how that ended. I'm not sure I'm ready for it again. Or that I ever will be."

Rossi had seen too much in the younger man to agree with him.

 _But, like everyone, he needs to get there on his own._

"Well, if you're set on it, let's talk about technique. I can tell you what I did with each of my exes, and you can do the opposite."

* * *

The rental car traveled down a long, tree-lined driveway.

"So, this is your mother's sister's son's house?"

"It is _now,"_ Will responded to his wife. "Paulie inherited it from his parents. They died within a year of Katrina, both of them."

JJ nodded. "And he and his wife have two boys, one eleven, and one thirteen." Wanting to prep. _Like it's a case._

"Yup. And they can't wait to meet Henry. Paulie and me, and another cousin, Bobby, we used to hang out all the time."

JJ couldn't help but smile. She'd not seen her husband so simultaneously animated and relaxed….ever. _You sure do love coming home._

"So, does that mean we'll be meeting Bobby, too?"

"Yep. He's comin' over with Lulu and the kids tomorrow."

"Yay!" From the back seat. "More cousins!"

JJ was trying to memorize the LaMontagne clan. "Bobby, Lulu….and what are the kid's names?"

"Robbie..he's a junior. And Eleanor."

"Ah, at last, a girl!"

Henry wasn't so thrilled. "You mean I have girl cousin, Dad?"

"Sure thing, Buddy. She's the same age as you. But I can't remember her name, right now."

JJ turned to face her son. "Remember, little man, we're being polite to everyone, even a girl cousin."

She'd given him the over-the-brow look, and he responded with a smile. "Okay, Mommy."

As they finished the long trek down the treed drive, JJ launched a prayer.

 _Please, no pressure. Let us just have a good time, and let that be enough._

Later, she would muse about how quickly a prayer could actually be answered. And how often the answer seemed to be 'no'. Because it came, almost immediately, from the man sharing the front seat with her.

"This is the life, Cher. Look at this, have you ever seen anythin' more beautiful? There's nothin' like this in DC. Just think about what it could be like for our boy, growin' up in the country like this. Just think about it."


	28. Chapter 28

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 28**

It had been a hectic couple of days, and by Friday night Reid found himself too weary to even think about stopping by for take-out on his way home. Instead, he took mental inventory of his freezer... and frowned. Then tried to recall the last time he'd looked into his small pantry cabinet.

 _Ah, soup_.

He'd started his pulmonary rehab yesterday afternoon, at Hotch's insistence, which he strongly suspected may have come after a phone call with Kimura. After reviewing his pulmonary function test results, the therapist had declared him 'completely out-of-shape' and announced that she would make him her personal improvement project.

 _Oh, great. Another Morgan_ , he'd thought. Then he'd successfully argued his status up to 'in-need-of-conditioning' by pointing out that he walked at least five miles on each of his days off, and had done so without incident, even since the hantavirus infection and the assault with the pepper spray.

"All right. I'll concede," she'd said. "But apparently you're not in good enough shape for your job, or the FBI wouldn't be footing the bill here. Right?"

Caught. "True. Just….can you find a way to write it in my chart that doesn't sound so bad?"

She was typing into a laptop even as he was speaking. "Patient is a young male who would like to increase his pulmonary capacity to comply with occupational requirements." She looked up at him, grinning. "How's that?"

He grinned back. "I think we're going to get along."

Which sentiment he nearly retracted by the end of their session. But she'd worked him up gradually, if not gently, through some pulmonary exercises and then a stint on the treadmill, one that he thought would never end…. _unless my heart gives out_. When, finally, she'd dialed back the speed and given him permission to get off, he'd just collapsed down onto the machine, panting.

"Am I still alive?" he'd finally managed to get out.

"Unfortunately for you, 'Mr. Needs-Conditioning'. And you'll be even more alive tomorrow, same time and place."

He got up slowly, feeling the wobbliness of his legs. "What is your name again? Nurse Wretched?" Purposely getting it wrong.

"Ha! No, but if you're not nice to Laura, your pulmonary therapist, you just might be _needing_ a nurse's care. Seriously, Spencer, you did great today. I pushed you, in case you didn't realize, just to see. I think we can get you where you need to be."

He smiled. "I _did_ realize. And I officially give you permission to push me again. I know it takes work and I'm glad to be your personal project." He tested his legs again, finding them a bit more steady. "Even if it kills me."

That had been day one of PT torture, as he was coming to think of it. Today had been day two, and he'd mistakenly scheduled it to fit in over the noon hour, thinking to minimize the impact on his work product. But now he questioned the wisdom of that.

 _I was pretty much good for nothing this afternoon. Thank God Hotch scheduled a long team meeting so we could review the whole case. Unless….. no, he wouldn't have. He wouldn't have effectively put the case on hold just for me. But he might have done it because he was essentially down two agents._

Which made him think about the text he'd gotten from JJ yesterday evening.

ARRIVED. COUSINS! ARE YOU OKAY? DOES HOTCH NEED ME?

He'd been simultaneously touched that she was still concerned about him, and sorry that he couldn't help her out, even if it was obvious that she would have welcomed an excuse to return early to DC.

 _I think a best friend is supposed to help you do the right thing_. And, he knew, the 'right thing' of the moment was for her to get to know her husband's extended family. So he'd texted her back:

GLAD YOU ARRIVED SAFELY. STARTED REHAB TODAY. THERAPIST SAYS I'LL LIVE. FORGET ABOUT THE CASE FOR A FEW DAYS. YOU'RE ON VACATION. REMEMBER WHAT THAT IS?

Even as he remembered, he trudged his way up the flight of stairs to his apartment, feeling every step in his thighs. He made his way inside, and gave brief thought to sitting, just for a second, but he wasn't at all sure he could get up again. So, instead, he shuffled to his kitchen, and found several cans of soup in his pantry. He was about to select one when his phone sounded an incoming call.

 _Thank God it's in my pocket._

He didn't think he could have made it back to the living room in time to answer. He retrieved the phone and looked at the screen. The exchange was local, but he couldn't place the number.

"Hello?"

"Spencer?"

He was having trouble placing the voice with just the one word.

"Yes?"

"This is Sandy. Sandy Jareau."

Immediately alarmed, he asked, "Is she all right?"

"Jennifer? Yes, she's fine. She's in New Orleans."

His shoulders relaxed. "I know. I just…"

Now she understood. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to worry you. Quite the opposite, actually. I'm supposed to look after you."

He leaned back against his counter, thoughts of soup gone. "JJ asked you to look after me? Why?"

Sandy sounded amused. "Well, it seems she had a text from you yesterday, and that caused her to make a few phone calls, and….well, the bottom line is that I'm just pulling up to what I think is your building, with a feast in tow."

 _That_ got him moving. Reid went to his window and pushed the curtain aside. He was familiar with Sandy's car, and saw it pulling up to the curb.

"I see you. But you didn't have to do that."

She laughed. "Oh, yes, I did. Not just because my daughter asked me to. I made a vow, last fall, that I would look after you as if you were my own son. You saved my daughter for me, Spencer. The least I can do is bring you a meal."

One of the things Reid understood best about JJ was her sense of pride, because he shared it. He'd looked after himself for most of his childhood, and it always rankled that anyone would think he couldn't look after himself as an adult. But he also understood caring, and kindness, and gratitude, and he knew that was the place that both JJ and her mother were coming from. He wouldn't deny them their chance to show how they felt about him.

 _And besides_ , he thought, _I might be exhausted, but I'm also starving. Maybe she made her apricot chicken….._

He would have gone down to help Sandy bring the food up, but he was afraid the return trip would be too much for him. So he just met her at the door, and took an aromatic casserole dish from her.

"Mmm…..is this what I think it is?"

Sandy followed him inside and put a few bags down on the small kitchen table while Reid placed the casserole on the stovetop. Then she turned and gestured him over to her.

"Come, let me get a better look at you." She tiptoed up and placed a kiss on his cheek before holding him at arms' length.

"You _look_ well."

He smiled. "I _am_ well. JJ's exaggerating. Not that I'm complaining, if that's apricot chicken."

He'd started for the casserole, but Sandy skirted around him and shooed him away. "It is. But let me heat it up a bit in the oven first."

"We could just micro…"

"Hush! Don't you know the secret to good flavor is slow cooking?"

"I'll bow to the master. Seriously, though, Sandy, you didn't have to do this."

She wasn't about to argue the point with him. After setting the casserole in the oven, Sandy moved to the table and started unpacking salad and bread.

"How is your mother, Spencer?"

She could never spend time with the young man, especially in maternal mode, without feeling a bond to the woman who would have loved him better, if only she could have. To Sandy, it always felt like motherly solidarity when she was able to do for Spencer what she was convinced Diana would have wanted to do.

"She's fine. Well, you know. She's stable. I spoke with her on the phone a couple of weeks ago."

Sandy stopped what she was doing. "Weeks?"

He hurried to explain. "She doesn't really trust the phone. Not unless she's having a particularly clear time. Mostly, we exchange letters."

Sandy smiled. She'd heard about that from her daughter, years ago, not long after Jennifer had announced she was moving to Washington, and mentioned the practice of her co-worker. Sandy remembered wishing she'd earned the same type of fidelity, until she'd learned the reason why Spencer did it.

"Was she doing well, when you spoke with her?"

"Pretty well. She was actually excited because her doctor cleared it for her to attend a lecture on medieval literature at the university. It's what she used to teach."

Sandy was busy setting the table, but stopped mid-motion. "I didn't know that. Your mother was a university professor?"

Reid nodded. "One of their best, I learned. But that was mostly before I was born. After that….well, she mostly had a class of one."

Sandy smiled. "You."

Reid returned a shy grin. "Me. But she really was a great teacher."

Sandy cupped his cheek as she went by him. "And I'm sure you were a great pupil. Your mother must be so proud of you, Spencer. Even if she can't tell you so, I know she is." She continued on her way to check on her casserole.

"She's told me. And I'm proud of her. I don't know anyone who's fought harder, just to live the best life she could."

Sandy used a towel to remove her dish from the oven. "As you should be. Now, do you have any wine?"

"Wine?"

"A fine meal is deserving of a fine wine. So?"

Reid opened his refrigerator and extracted a bottle. "Sorry, no wine cellar."

She smiled. "It will have to do. I'll let you do the honors."

So Reid opened and poured, and Sandy dished, and the two sat across from one another at his kitchen table-for-two. He'd picked up his fork and was about to dig in when she pointedly closed her eyes and started speaking.

"Dear Lord, thank you for bringing us together this day, and for this food that we are about to eat. Thank You for Diana, who gave us the gift of her son, who has gifted my family in more ways than I can ever recount. This day and forever, I give You thanks."

Completely unexpectedly, and perhaps as a symptom of his exhaustion, Reid teared up at the reference to his mother.

When Sandy indicated that it was time to eat, he held back, long enough to say, "You could have said 'we'."

She looked puzzled, so he explained. "You could have said 'we' give thanks."

Sandy's gaze was as penetrating as it was kind. "I didn't want to presume. I don't know if you believe."

He shook his head. "Neither do I. But I know how to be grateful."

Not for the first time, Sandy felt the surge of love for this young man who meant so much to her family.

 _I wish you could have met him, Charles. You would have loved him. Even if he would never had been much help on the farm. He would only have been good for loving our daughter and our grandson. Which makes him much more than 'good enough', in my book._

By now, Reid had tucked in to his dinner. With the first forkful, his eyes closed and he leaned back in his seat.

"Mmmm…I think I'm in heaven."

She smiled. "You say that every time."

"Because it's true. You brought heaven with you in a bag."

Sandy laughed. "Tell me about your day, Spencer."

Just as before, he'd been caught off guard, and had an immediate, emotional reaction. No one had said those words to him since early in his childhood, certainly not since his father had left them. And he hadn't realized how much he missed it until this kind, gentle woman had uttered the words. For a moment, he couldn't speak.

"Spencer?"

Reid cleared his throat. "It was pretty long, I guess. There's not much I can say about the specifics of the case…..you understand? But, well, Morgan and I finished up some interviews this morning, and then I had rehab, and then we all met to make an extensive review of the case. It's pretty complicated, and there are so many aspects of it, that Hotch thought it would be good to make sure nothing had gotten sidelined."

"I didn't hear any 'lunch' in there." Sandy was always concerned about Reid's waistline. Fattening him up had become _her_ 'personal project.

"There wasn't time. I figured most of our interviewees would be unavailable at lunch, so that's when I scheduled rehab."

"That's not healthy, Spencer. I can see why Jennifer thought I should check up on you."

He felt bad about that. "Mrs…..Sandy. I appreciate this, really. But JJ shouldn't have worried you. I'm okay. And I'm sure you have more important things to do with your time."

She was having none of that. "Neither more important, nor more pleasurable. And I'm glad my daughter asked me to look out for you. Like it or not, Spencer, I'm afraid you've got a fan club in the Jareau women."

He blushed. "Have you heard from them? Are they having a good time?"

"According to Jennifer, Henry is in his glory. He's become a virtual shadow to his cousins. It's less clear that they're happy about that, because they're a few years older than he is. The only one who is close to his age is a girl, and he's not particularly thrilled."

Reid laughed. "I think Henry likes older women. You know how much he likes it when Meg Callahan babysits him."

She laughed. "Please. Anyway, according to Jennifer, Henry's having fun, and Will is happy to be home."

One notable omission. "And JJ?"

"Jennifer is supporting her husband by being nice to his family."

Reid wasn't sure how to take that, until Sandy added, "Even if it kills her."

He winced. "She's not having a good time?"

Sandy sighed. "Marriage is compromise, Spencer." She reached a hand across the table and patted the back of his. "I'm sure you'll know it, one day. Now, I'm shooing you into the living room. Relax, while I do these dishes."

That wasn't going to fly. "Oh, no. Let me. It's the least I can do. This was, by far, the best meal I've ever had here. Not just the food, but also the company. Thanks, Sandy."

She smiled and patted his cheek again. "You are very welcome, Spencer."

* * *

After she'd gone, his place felt unusually empty, and quiet. Reid's belly was full, his muscles finally beginning to release their spasm, and his mind on overload.

 _Are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure you want to walk away from what you have with Stephanie? What if it could grow? What if you could come home to someone every night, someone who would really care what kind of day you'd had, and how you felt, and whether you were happy, or sad, or tired, or energized? Are you sure you can say 'no' to that?_

His brief taste of family life tonight, with Sandy, as slight as it had been, threatened to awaken something in him. The same 'something' that he'd spent most of his life batting down. What good would it have done if, as a child, he'd longed for that nurturing? Would it have brought his mother good health? Would it have brought his father back to them? No, of course not. It would only have led to one crushing disappointment after another. And so, he'd learned to live without it, to put it out of his mind, to erase it from his consciousness. But now, in the space of a few hours, it had all come back to him.

Not that he hadn't experienced a vicarious sense of family life when he'd been to dinner with the Jareau-LaMontagnes. But it had never felt quite right, not quite healthy. It had been different from what he could remember as a child, but no less dysfunctional.

The closest he'd come to what he remembered, and had, for so long, harbored as a hidden treasure, were the few times Stephanie had come to dinner, and spent the night.

 _Close, but not all the way there. But why? Why can't I understand it?_

Any other night, the question would have kept him awake. But, this night, he was so exhausted, that he fell asleep with it on his lips. Hoping that the morning would bring an answer.


	29. Chapter 29

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 29**

Her feet pounded the pavement as JJ tried to run off some of her anxiety. That was the only emotion she could actually put a name to, although she was aware of a rising tumult of them. Not that Will's relatives weren't nice, or welcoming, or accommodating. On the contrary, it seemed like they were overly so, constantly asking after her pleasure, or trying to include her in conversation.

 _So why is it driving me crazy? Is it just me? Do I just have a bad attitude?_

She was self-aware enough to acknowledge the possibility. She'd been on edge about the trip, irritated that Will had sprung it on her in the first place, and wary that he would use it to try to get her on board with a move to New Orleans.

 _But it's not home!_

And yet, she knew, for Will…it was.

He seemed relaxed, and happy, the little she'd seen of him. He and a couple of his cousins had been out fishing most of yesterday, and she's picked up on some discussion of a possible hunting trip with the boys. A plan about which she had not been asked for input.

They'd argued about it last night, as quietly as possible, given that they were only a wall's width away from Will's cousin.

"I don't want Henry handling guns, Will. You know that. He's too young!"

"Ah, it's just a little air gun, Cher. He can't get hurt with it."

"Says you and who else? And what if it's not _him_? What if _he_ hurts someone else?" Shuddering at the thought of her sweet six year old having to live with such a memory.

"You worry too much, JJ. All the kids here….the boys, anyway….they all grow up huntin' with their daddies. Hell, my daddy took me out when I was four!"

"But he doesn't live here, Will. It's not a way of life for him. For _us_. He's not comfortable around guns and he won't get that way during one long weekend."

"Cher, I hate to break it to you, but he'll learn how to shoot in the Boy Scouts."

"But not until he's older, right? Will, he's just a little boy. And you're not talking about having him shoot at some target attached to a tree. You're talking about having him shoot a living thing."

"Just squirrels, Cher. Maybe a raccoon. Nothin' big. Nothin' important."

They hadn't resolved it, so all she could do was to hope that someone would hatch another plan for the day. But no one else seemed to have an objection to the youngsters going hunting with their fathers.

 _Maybe I shouldn't stand in the way. He's as much Will's son as he is mine. The way Will grew up is part of Henry's heritage. But….. no, I just can't see it. Not my cute little man, shooting at an innocent animal!_

She pounded harder, and farther, until she was well past her usual distance. Once she realized, she slowed her pace and gradually came to a stop.

 _It was a long trip out, it will be a long trip back._ _Good thing I brought water. It's hot down here!_

JJ found a fallen tree to support her weight while she downed half of her bottle, and decided to check in with her mother while she caught her breath. She hit number 2 on her speed dial.

"Hello, Jennifer! How is it going?"

JJ smiled. Her mother had only recently realized she could see who was calling her.

"Hi, Mom. It's going okay. I'm just out for my run, so I thought I'd call."

"Is Henry still having a good time?"

"He caught two fish yesterday, and he was still talking about it when he went to bed last night. So, yes, he's having a great time." Choosing not to mention the plans for hunting, sure her mother wouldn't approve.

"Well, good. I'm glad he's having fun. And you?"

JJ paused, not quite sure what to say. And knowing that her mother would pick up on it immediately.

"I'm fine. I learned how to make jambalaya yesterday."

"Jambalaya? What's in it?"

"Pretty much everything, as far as I can tell. But Will and the guys liked it."

"How about Henry?"

"I made him mac and cheese. I think jambalaya is an acquired taste."

Sandy laughed. "Well, you can teach me when you get home, and I'll find out if it's a taste _I_ can acquire."

It was JJ's turn to chuckle, even as the thought of being home caused a sudden yearning. Still, the talk of cooking and food reminded her.

"Did you bring dinner to Spence?"

"I did. That poor boy was exhausted. I don't think he would have eaten at all if I hadn't come over."

Smiling, JJ pictured her mother tending to a worn out Reid. "You're probably right. Thanks for doing that, Mom. I appreciate it."

"No thanks needed, Jennifer. It warmed my heart to see him eating like that. I don't think he takes good enough care of himself."

"That makes two of us. Listen, Mom, I probably have to get back. Henry will be looking for me."

She still hadn't quite told her mother about her own experience of New Orleans. Sandy was too experienced with maternal intuition not to have picked up on what her daughter wasn't saying. But she was also to wise enough not to bring it up.

"All right, sweetheart. Talk to you tomorrow? Or you can give me a call later, if anything comes up." _Or if you want to vent._

"Thanks, Mom. Maybe I will. Love you." Knowing she wouldn't. After Sandy's "Good-bye, I love you, too!", JJ reluctantly ended the call. She wished, with all her being, that she'd been able to pour her heart out to her mother.

It had taken a long while for her mother to warm up to Will, especially since she'd had so little opportunity to spend time with him. So, maybe she wasn't Will's biggest fan. But she _was_ a fan of marriage, and had nurtured her own for over twenty years. If ever she _did_ talk to her mother about the heaviness in her heart, JJ was sure she'd be given advice on compromising, and making concessions.

 _My parents managed to stay together through the kind of crisis that tears most marriages apart. I know…I've seen it way too many times. Did they stay together for me? Or were they just the exception to the rule. And maybe I'm just not so 'exceptional'._

She'd resumed her running, still hoping that the rhythmic rise and fall of her feet would work its way into her subconscious and bring her to some sort of zen state. She needed to let it go, she knew that. She needed to find a way to focus on the good things about this visit, the good things about her marriage. The very fact of her mind having wandered into forbidden territory scared her. That she'd begun to consider whether she should talk to her mother about the state of her marriage….that she had, seemingly, acknowledged that there _was_ a 'state of her marriage'.

 _Maybe I'm blowing this up out of proportion. All couples have disagreements. Maybe I'm making too much of ours. But they feel so fundamental. We're apart on everything! Where we live, what we do for a living, how to raise our son….even who we're allowed to have as friends._

She didn't even realize she was crying until she felt the wetness on her cheeks. JJ made no effort to brush the tears away. She would just let them dry in the air flowing past her face as she ran.

 _I can't solve this right now. I just need to get through this weekend. When we get home, maybe I can get him to really talk. Or maybe we can see someone, a counselor or something. Someone to help us figure out how to stay together. Or if we really want to._

Crying even harder, at that last thought. This time she _did_ brush away the tears, her sense of pride commanding her to erase any evidence of her emotional state before she returned to the others.

 _All I have to do now is exactly what I'm doing. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just concentrate on that. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot…._

With the mantra came a memory. In the middle of an investigation, Spence had remarked on the wear pattern of the victim's shoes, contrasting it with JJ's.

"You lead with your left foot," he'd said, "so it bears more pressure than the right. That's why you wear out your left shoe faster than the right."

At the time, she'd been pleasantly surprised and amused that he'd noticed something so detailed about her. And he'd been right. _Even when I count in my head, I lead with my left. You know me so well, my friend._

And she smiled. A real, genuine smile. She was ready for her public.

* * *

If he hadn't been so exhausted from his therapy, Reid might have spent a sleepless night trying to decipher what, exactly, he should do about Stephanie. The fact that he was in the dilemma at all held its own fascination for him. Stephanie was, literally, the first relationship he'd ever had that was both emotional and physical. And the very idea that it was actually more physical than emotional astounded him.

 _I've never seen myself that way, and never expected to. Well, I guess it's not really 'that' way. It's not like I don't feel anything for her. I feel quite a lot, actually. Even love….sort of. But it's not like it was with Maeve. There was something about how it was with Maeve that I don't think I'll ever have again. Maybe that's why I'm able to be with Stephanie. Because I learned to stop looking for something I can't have._

Now that he was in a new day, nothing seemed clearer. Sleeping on it hadn't helped a bit. So he'd gone out for his usual long Saturday trek, seeing nothing but what was in his mind's eye, putting one foot in front of the other by rote.

What he'd had with Maeve had been unique, that much he _was_ clear on. But he wasn't sure if it was something about the relationship itself, or the fact that it had been, for him, the very first time someone of the opposite sex had taken such a deep interest in him. Maybe it was like that for _all_ first time loves. Maybe everyone who'd first loved, and lost, had trouble finding that same thing again.

He and Stephanie had talked about that. He knew she wasn't quite over the loss of her husband, even four years out from his death.

 _That was even longer ago than I lost Maeve. But they'd been together longer, and they'd been married. They'd known each other in every way that one_ can _be known. Of course she can't let that go._

He knew that neither of them had given the other all that they could have. Or, maybe, they _had_. Maybe too much of them had been buried right along with their lost love. Maybe it wasn't that they just weren't quite right for each other. Maybe it was more that neither of them was, any longer, quite 'right'.

 _So, is that it? Are we the best each of us can hope for? That we had our love, and it's just too bad that we lost it so early in life? That's how it always went in those medieval romances Mom would read to me when I was young._

He regretted it. And the very idea of _that_ brought him up short. Reid literally stopped mid-stride.

 _I do. I regret it. Me. I'd come to believe I wasn't made for love, and then, out of the blue, it found me. And I was so destroyed when I lost it….when I lost_ her _….. that I couldn't even conceive of loving anyone else. Never. I didn't want it, didn't go looking for it. I would never even have met Stephanie if it hadn't been for JJ._

Truly, he'd only gone along with it to humor his best friend. She'd been so vocally worried about him, and Stephanie had seemed benign enough. She'd even passed muster with his chess kids. And so, he'd made a friendship that had grown into what he thought might pass for a romance. And, now, he found that he regretted that it had not been what he might have _hoped_ it to be. And that was what had _really_ stopped his movement. The fact that it had snuck up on him, that thing that he'd never expected to experience again. That thing that was for _other_ people, those actively engaged with life.

 _Hope. It's come back to me. Maybe it's found me for the first time. But why?_

He started walking again, feeling his sense of wonder giving way to his comfortable old friend, cynicism.

 _I don't even know when it happened. Or_ how _it happened. But it's there. How ironic is that? I've been granted the gift of hope, right when I'm thinking about having to break it off with my only chance. Is that it? Is this some kind of existential joke? I get to have 'hope', only to have it squelched by circumstance? It's not fair! I protest! Who do I take this up with?_ Not for the first time, he wished he believed. Because then there would be Someone, or Something, to serve as an object of his disgust.

His pace had picked up in conjunction with his thoughts, bringing him close to the end of his usual route. But he didn't feel any closer to knowing what to do.

 _Except that I have to do something. It's not fair to Stephanie._

In spite of himself, he looked skyward as he thought his next thought.

 _And it's not fair to me, either. But why worry about a little thing like that? It sure doesn't seem like You are!_

He wasn't so sure Stephanie would be upset when he told her. Neither of them had made a full commitment to the other. And, clearly, neither of them had prioritized their relationship over their work.

 _So, maybe I'm overthinking. She's not something to be managed, after all. She's Steph. And she's important._

As so often happened in his life, absent a trusted friend to talk to, Reid gave himself advice.

 _Just do what you always do. Be honest. Be direct. Tell the truth. The only thing you have to figure out is….how?_

* * *

Springtime in Washington, DC could be fickle. A glorious, cherry-blossom-scented day could give way to a cold, blowing wind, seemingly at the whim of fate. But one could also have a clear, warm night whose sky would be filled with stars, if not for the glare of the government at work.

Reid joined tens of thousands of others on the National Mall, standing on the outskirts of the crowd for the whole of the Memorial Day concert. He could just make out Stephanie seated in the first chair of the cello section, but only because he already knew that was where she would be.

 _She really is melded to her music. It's as though the instrument is just an extension of her, the way she draws sound from it._

By his own request, he'd had a couple of private performances, and they'd been beautiful, and moving. But, like Stephanie, he preferred the instrument in counterpoint with another, and so he loved hearing her play with the orchestra.

Reid gave a bitter chuckle. _Better do this right, or your orchestra-listening days may be over._

He watched as she swayed with the music, putting deep movement into each swing of her bow. He loved watching her play as much as he loved listening to her play.

 _Are you sure?_ He asked himself, for the umpteenth time.

 _Not in the least_ , his self answered.

* * *

The fireworks had been stupendous, made so by the music that accompanied them. When it was all over, and the crowd began to disperse, Reid made his way over to the MLK memorial. It was their planned meeting spot.

He stood and watched the crowd for a while, observing people's behavior and idly creating profiles on them. In time, as the crowd thinned, he saw a familiar figure approaching, dark hair bouncing with each step.

Stephanie broke into a grin as she spied him, and he returned the expression.

She leaned up to him as he leaned down, and they shared a quick kiss on the lips.

Falling back to her heels, Stephanie smiled again.

"Hi."

"Hi." Smiling as well. "It was great. Some of those stories…..wow. And, then, with the fireworks…"

She nodded. "I know. I've loved it every year that I've done it. It's one of the things I would miss most, if I left."

They'd started walking along the Mall, heading toward their favorite DC coffee haunt. They would wait it out there until the Metro crowd had thinned. Stephanie tugged on Reid's arm, and he responsively removed his hand from his pocket, taking up hers.

He picked up on her last statement. "Are you _thinking_ of leaving?"

She shook her head. "No. Not now, anyway. But…who knows about the future? I'm sure it will happen some day."

"Well, when that day comes, I'll miss the best cello player the orchestra has ever had."

She pulled on his arm, and purposely bumped into him, in a gesture of affection. "We both know that's not true, but you're a love for saying so, anyway."

"What's not true? That you're the best cellist they've ever had, or that I would miss you?"

Suddenly aware that they were speaking as though it was already a given, that she would leave.

Stephanie made light of it. "Both, I guess. But, right now, the only 'leaving' I'm planning is for my trip to China."

"Yeah, I can't wait to hear about it."

"Don't you want to hear about my trip to your old haunting grounds, first? After all, I just came back from the land that spawned Spencer Reid."

If he'd had any remaining doubts, Stephanie's words had just erased them.

 _I didn't even remember that she'd just been to my hometown…without me._

He recovered quickly. "Of course I do. Actually, I want to hear about the whole tour."

So she began a narration of the highlights of each city, and each performance. They'd been together long enough for her to how much detail to share, and when to move along in the story. Her tale was interrupted by their arrival at the coffee shop. By acquired habit, he placed orders for both of them. Once they were served, Reid made a suggestion.

"It's beautiful out there tonight. Maybe we should find somewhere where it's quiet?"

She hesitated for just a second, just long enough for him to pick up on it and wonder. Then she responded.

"Great idea. And you can tell me all about what's going on with you."

Which he did, as they took their drinks and headed back toward the Mall. They would never see many of Reid's beloved stars from the confines of the city. But he found it inspiring to sit in the sight line of Abraham Lincoln, and in the company of those who'd given their lives for something they believed in.

Finding an empty bench, they sat, each holding the hot drink in both hands.

"So, are you really okay?"

Without disclosing confidential details, he'd told her about his losing his breath during a chase, and the PT fallout from it.

"I'm fine. Or, I will be, anyway. Linda is pretty sure of it."

Stephanie was still worried. "Listen, I love working with Linda on the mentoring project. But, maybe you should see a specialist, or something, Spencer."

"Ha. You sound like JJ. No, I'm feeling fine. And I think this pulmonary physical therapist will help me. That is, if she doesn't kill me first."

Stephanie laughed, as he'd meant her to. Then they sat in companionable silence for a few moments. At least, Reid hoped it was companionable for Stephanie. Because, for him, it was a tense antecedent to a most difficult conversation. He was about to begin, with 'Listen, Steph', when his thought was interrupted.

Stephanie had sobered quickly after his little joke. Now she scooted away a bit so she could turn and look directly at him.

"Spencer….we need to talk."


	30. Chapter 30

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 30**

In the end, it was almost anticlimactic. Almost.

He'd still lost a night's sleep after it was over. He was still sad. And he could feel himself wanting to retreat back into that place, that space deep inside, where it was too deep for him to reach out, and too deep for anyone else to reach in. It was always peaceful there. Quiet. Safe.

"Spencer," she'd said, "we need to talk."

Her eyes had searched his face, looking for prescience. Hoping that he'd had some sense of what she needed to tell him. That, just maybe, he'd realized it too.

"Yes," he'd said, "we do."

"We do?" Surprised, despite her relief.

That small, wry smile she'd come to love made its way to his lips. "Don't we?"

Now she smiled in return. "Hmph."

She looked away for a second, then brought her eyes back to his. When she did, he couldn't help but notice the wetness. She reached up and briefly cupped his face with her hand.

"You are….." Looking away again, searching for the right words, starting over. "You've been, for me, a godsend. Really. A gift that I didn't even know I needed, until I received it. You've brought me back to life, Spencer."

His eyes narrowed. Focused, intent. Wanting to be sure he understood.

She went on. "Before I met you….well, I was putting one foot in front of the other. I was working. I was teaching. I'd gotten through the grief, or so I thought. But I'd never gotten all the way back to _me_. I was _different_. I was 'the widow', and I let it define me."

He broke in, reaching for her hand, and holding it in both of his.

"You're so much more than that, Steph. You have so much to give…."

She pounced on it. "I know! I know that now, because of you. I _remember_. You helped me remember. You helped me remember ' _me_ '."

He squinted in amused confusion. "I did?"

"Yes! You, and your fascination with just about everything under the sun…you woke me up. It was as though I'd been sleepwalking for the past four years, ever since I lost Mark. I think part of me thought that, if _he_ couldn't enjoy life, then neither should I."

Reid's smile was grimly sympathetic this time. "I know exactly what you mean." _The walking dead._

She pulled one of his hands to her lips and kissed the back of it affectionately.

"Yes, you do. And, still, you were engaged with living. You found _everything_ interesting." She teased him. "I think I've learned more in the last six months of being with you than I did in four years of college."

He smiled, as she'd intended, and she went on.

"Really, Spencer. I owe it all to you. Do you know that I'd almost lost my music? Me! Can you imagine?"

He couldn't. Stephanie and her music were as one.

"I'd almost completely lost my connection to it. Do you know how important that is, to be _connected_ to the music? To the _instrument_? And it was very nearly gone. But then, this guy came into my life, and…"

He realized they were both already speaking as though it was part of the past. But he joined her there.

"As I recall, it was _you_ who walked into _my_ life."

She grinned, sharing the memory. "With the kids at the park, I remember. I've wondered if you and I would have ended up together if we hadn't had them in common. You weren't exactly looking, were you?"

His shy smile was back. "It's true, but you already know that. We have JJ and Garcia to thank for it, really. And the chess kids."

"Well, then, I'll thank JJ and Penelope and the chess kids. Because they all led me to you, to the man who brought the music back into my life. I was holding on to it for the sake of the kids, and teaching them, and that concerto I was writing for them. Do you know how hard I had to push myself to do that? Do you know how long it took for me to even get started on it? But then, it just seemed to write itself."

"And it was beautiful." It had been debuted at the school's spring concert, to the enthusiastic response of a host of families, and teachers, and FBI profilers.

She grinned. "Did I tell you that the orchestra learned it too? We performed it in a few cities on the tour, mostly for matinees with school groups. It went over pretty well, if I say so myself."

He chuckled, "As well you might. You should be proud of yourself, Steph. I know I am."

She immediately sobered. "See? That's what makes this so hard." Still not having touched on what 'this' was. Stephanie began the visible search for words once again.

"Spencer, I feel like such an ingrate. Because, really, I owe it all to you. But as awful as it makes me sound, this is something I know I have to do. I can't really explain it better than that. I just _know_."

He tried to make his smile as encouraging as he knew how. Reid took both of her hands and looked directly into her dark eyes. "What is it that you know, Steph?" His voice soft, gentle.

She took a deep breath and looked her gratitude at him. It was obvious he already knew what she would say, and that he would be kind with her about it.

"That I need to go. My music is back with me, and my heart for it…..oh, Spencer, I can't even explain it, but my heart for it has grown. It's so much more now. And I feel like I have so much to give with it. I just….. I need to follow it. I've been offered the opportunity to take the work I've done here, with the school, and bring it to other countries. We'll even do some in China, while we're touring. But then I'm off to Europe, and then Africa, and then…who knows?"

Her excitement was so palpable that he couldn't help but smile.

"It's not surprising your heart for music has grown even past what it was before. You've lived a lot of life along the way, Steph. You've been through things. We both know that those things can _fill_ a heart as much as they can _overcome_ it. So, you've been through the overcoming, and now you're left with the 'fullness'. You're right. You _do_ have a lot to give. And the last thing I would ever want to do would be to get in the way of that. I've seen the good you've done with the kids. Just imagine if you can do that around the globe."

"I know! But, oh, Spencer, it means leaving Washington. And it means leaving _you_. I don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am for that." She'd teared up in evidence of her regret.

He could have left it at that. He _could_ have let the responsibility fall squarely on her shoulders. But he cared for her too much, and he respected her too much, to be anything less than honest with her.

Reid brushed a tear from her cheek and carried the caress down to her shoulder before he spoke.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Steph. I'm happy for you. And I'm happy for the kids you'll be helping all over the world. Of _course_ I'll miss you. But you have a mission, I can feel it when you talk about it. And the last thing I would ever do is get in the way of that."

She gave a watery smile. "You're sweet to say that."

"Hmph. Not so sweet. Listen, Steph…. I feel like I need to be completely honest here. You deserve that from me. So, the truth is…. I….. I….. " His indecision rose again, and he was stymied for words.

He'd cast his eyes away, and she had to bend her head to get back into his line of vision.

"What are you trying to say, Spencer?"

He heaved a great sigh and began. "Sometimes I feel like I'm the most foolish person on the planet. Who else would have come to know this most beautiful, lovely, talented, warm-hearted woman….and conclude that it's not quite right?" He could only shake his head in disgust. "I don't know, Stephanie. Maybe I'm just not there yet. I think that _has_ to be it. I mean… you're amazing, and I've never had a relationship like the one I have with you. It's _got_ to be me."

He was having trouble staying with her eyes, until she held his chin in her hand.

"Spencer…..we each get there in our own time. I don't even know that _I'm_ all the way there yet…..wherever ' _there_ ' is. I just know that my music has come alive. Maybe you need something to come back alive in you, too. You just need to figure out what that is."

He shook his head. "Maybe. But…. I don't want you to think for a minute that I haven't been completely sincere about everything. I mean, I would never…."

To his surprise, she laughed. "Spencer, I don't think you've ever had an insincere moment in your life. No, of course not. I know it was all real. It was real for me, too. I hope you know that."

"Of course I do."

"And….since we're being completely honest….if it was 'quite right', I don't know that even my music could have taken me away from you. So I guess we both kind of got to that same place, didn't we?"

Reid's eyes bored into hers. "Steph, do you think we can be …"

She put her hand over his heart. "Always."

* * *

He didn't know exactly what he'd expected to feel, afterwards. Relief? Regret? He'd had some inkling that she must feel as he did, but still, he'd never done this before. He'd never gone into a conversation with the express purpose of saying something that might be hurtful.

 _Well, maybe except for my dad. Not only did I_ look _for him with the intention of hurting him, I brought a whole FBI investigation with me._

 _And JJ. But that was a conversation I was trying to avoid._

 _And, I guess, technically, my mom. But I was coward enough not to tell her until after the psych team had already arrived._

The reflection had sent him off on an unexpected inner journey.

 _Maybe it's true that we only hurt the ones we love._

Having inadvertently counted his father in that number rattled him a little. But not as much as the fact that he'd just walked away from the only fulfilled romantic relationship of his life.

 _Maybe I'm one of those people who are just meant to be alone. Maybe it wasn't just that we weren't right for each other. Maybe I just don't know how to be totally in a relationship. Maybe it only worked with Maeve because we had such limited time together…and I pretty much controlled when that would be. I was always the one to call her. Maybe I would have been no good for her as a full time lover._

Not able to even entertain the thought that _she_ might not have been good for _him_.

 _I am, after all, pretty good at it. It's not like I'm ever bored…there are just too many things to know and learn about. And I can take care of myself, despite what JJ and Sandy think. I just don't always choose to._

The memory of Sandy having brought him dinner, and the many, many times he'd been tended to by his best friend, brought a smile to his face.

 _Not that it's a bad thing, to be taken care of. It makes them happy. And it does feel good. It feels sort of warm, and comfortable, and….full, I guess._

Which made it strange that he wasn't actively looking to have it in his life.

 _Sometimes I wonder if I would be better at letting someone take care of me if I'd learned it as a kid. But I spent too much of my childhood trying to prove that I…_ we _….didn't need anyone's help. It was the only way to keep us together. I had to be better at keeping people_ out _than letting them_ in _._

And so, he'd learned to be self-sufficient, and isolated, and, with the eventual loss of his mother's company, solitary.

 _I was even that way after I became part of a_ team _. How paradoxical is that? If not for JJ reaching out to me, I don't think it would be any different even to this day. But she found some chink in my armor, and got right inside with me. And then the others all followed her in. And I have an image of Hotch holding the space wide open for all of them. He knew what I needed….maybe they all did….even before I did._

Which led him right back to the start of what would be a night-long cycle of rumination.

 _I'm okay alone. I even like being alone. I can take care of myself. But it feels good to be cared for by someone else. And it feels validating to be cared_ about _by someone else. So why did I just walk away from it? What's_ wrong _with me?_

* * *

Sunday threatened to bring more of the same, unless he found a way to put a short in the circuit. So he decided to change up his usual routine. Instead of his usual leisurely walk, he decided he would run.

 _The first mile, anyway. I don't think I have more than that in me without my PT… my Personal Torturer ..at my side._

Which was when he realized that he didn't really own any running clothes.

 _If I run in my jeans, it will look like I'm being chased. But if I_ walk _in my gym shorts, that will look weird, too._

He could change along the way, but he didn't own a backpack, either. And running with his messenger bag across his torso would be sure to attract unwanted attention. So he settled on fast-walking for today. He'd stop by a local sporting goods shop to fix the rest of his dilemma.

' _Next time', I'll tell Laura. I'll run 'next time'._

* * *

Fast walking proved not to be enough of a variance from his usual routine, and the thoughts that had plagued him all night returned. They peaked in volume when he made his usual stop for coffee. It had become the most faithfully kept part of his routine with Stephanie. Doing it alone today just upped the poignancy level.

 _Maybe I should get something different, change it up that way._

But the only 'different' thing he could think of was what Stephanie always ordered. So he just went with his usual coffee. Then, with a stroke of brilliance, he decided to add only six packets of sugar instead of eight.

 _Seems appropriate. This entire Sunday is less sweet than the ones that came before._

They'd developed the habit of sharing some little goodie or other, but he broke that habit today, and headed right back out with his coffee, pointed in the direction of the park where they'd first met. Feeling nostalgic in spite of himself.

 _You know, you're kind of an idiot. Here you are reminiscing about all the things you used to share with her, and you didn't even fight for your relationship. You didn't try to make it whatever it wasn't, to give it that thing that you were missing._

If only he'd been able to _name_ that thing. For all of his extensive vocabulary, he couldn't find the right word. It seemed always to be on the tip of his tongue, eluding capture.

His feet had taken him, as they usually did, to the chess tables. The boys….and still only the few girls…were gathered around one particular table.

One of the players at that table looked up. "Spencer, hi!" Gary's face bore a full grin.

"Hi yourself. What's up?"

"I'm losing!" Still with a big grin.

Reid squinted at him until he had an 'aha' moment. Gary had learned how to lose, just as Reid had taught him. Just as Reid had learned at the hand of the master, Jason Gideon…..even if he hadn't realized it at the time. Losing to a junior opponent was the best way to instill confidence, and the love of the game, in said opponent. But it was important not to be too obvious. Gary had, it seemed, mastered the art.

Reid tried to control the size of his own grin. "So I see. You must have quite the opponent there."

A younger boy, whose name Reid recalled was Felix, looked up with excitement painted all over his face.

"I'm beating him!"

"Yes, you are. Have you been playing long?"

Some of the light left Felix's face. "Not long. Just since I moved."

Reid caught the look Gary sent him, and realized he was speaking with yet another young boy in foster care. In the months he'd been working with the mentoring program, Reid had come to understand much more than was comfortable about what foster care meant for the life a child might have left, and the process of transition. He'd seen it work well, and he'd seen it be disastrous. Without knowing how it was for Felix, he could only be supportive.

"Well, you're a natural. And you're in very good hands. Gary is one of the best chess teachers I've ever seen."

Two beaming faces turned in Reid's direction. And their smiles hit him squarely in the heart.

 _Maybe I need to just stop thinking so hard. Maybe I need to just get over 'me'. Because I've just felt more joy in the last ten seconds than I've had in months._


	31. Chapter 31

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 31**

Having a federal holiday at this point in a crucial case was frustrating to all involved. The lab was closed, as were all of the state and local health departments and most of the medical offices. Which meant that it was likely their unsubs were taking the day off. Even the FBI and CDC were operating with minimal staff.

Reid had decided to come to the office, planning to review a pile of documents, looking for anything that might seem to have changed in significance. And, besides, he didn't need another day at home ruminating about the sorry state of his personal life. Getting out of the house yesterday had been helpful, and Gary and the chess kids had truly elevated his spirits. But coming home to an empty apartment had been surprisingly depressing. What had once seemed like a refuge now seemed like a hollowed out space that virtually shouted his loneliness at him.

 _I was always content with it before. Why is it so different now?_

He tried to literally shake off the question as he took his coffee in one hand and a file in the other. Leaning back in his office chair, he swung his feet to his desk. That was when he noticed the light on in one of the mezzanine offices.

 _Hotch is here, too. I should have known._

It wasn't a formal work day, because there was simply too much they couldn't get done, with the rest of the country celebrating Memorial Day. But the BAU's two most consistent workaholics could be relied upon to keep the case in motion.

 _I'm here because I don't have a life. But Hotch does. So why is_ he _here?_

For the better part of an hour, Reid fought it. But, eventually, curiosity got the best of him.

 _I'll just say 'hello'._

He brought his mug with him as he climbed the stairs toward his superior's office. Once arrived at the slightly-ajar door, he knocked softly.

Hotch looked up.

"Reid! I didn't expect…...never mind." _I should have._ But he asked anyway. "What are you doing here?"

"Just going through some of the files again. Thought I'd see if anything struck me."

That was met with a disbelieving Hotch stare. He was about to issue his challenge when Reid spoke again.

"Why are _you_ here? Isn't Jack off from school?"

"He is. His grandfather invited him to attend a service at the World War II Memorial, and Jack wanted to go. So Jessica is taking both of them."

Reid was vaguely aware of the estrangement between Hotch and his ex-father-in-law. Despite the actual circumstances, Haley's father blamed his former son-in-law for the loss of his daughter. And Reid was also aware that Hotch probably agreed with the man.

 _I know exactly how that feels._

At the time, the Donovans had graciously made a point of getting word to Reid, even though he hadn't attended Maeve's service. They'd wanted him to know that they didn't blame him, that they understood he'd tried to save their only daughter. And he hadn't believed a word of it.

"Oh."

"Yes, oh. So, that's why I'm here. Do you want to try again with why _you're_ here?"

Reid did his best to look confused. It wasn't a look that came all that naturally to the face of a genius.

"What do you mean? I told you, I going over….."

"Reid, you've been through those files three times already. And it would have taken you under an hour. You've been here for almost two."

Which was when the younger agent realized his superior had been watching him just as long as he'd been watching his superior.

Hotch asked again. "So, why are you here? Didn't I hear that Stephanie was back in town?"

As much as he cared about his agents, the BAU leader usually kept a professional distance between himself and their personal lives. So it was telling, to Reid, that his unit chief would bring up the subject of his girlfriend.

 _He knows there's something wrong._

He did. And he was smart enough to press his case while his genius was so obviously thinking over whether or not to be honest about it. For nearly any of the others, Hotch would have kept that professional distance. But he knew Reid had no other sounding board. Not for this, anyway.

"Is there a problem?"

Throughout his life, there had been a number of older male figures in Reid's life. His father, who'd abandoned him. Gideon, who'd done virtually the same. And the three men currently in the BAU. Reid trusted each of his colleagues. But he had a specific, profound respect for the one sitting behind his desk at the moment. Which was the only thing that could have loosened his tongue.

Reid's eyes flitted about the room, a visible measure of his discomfort.

"Why don't you sit down?" Hotch indicated a small sofa against the wall, and came around his desk to pull up a chair across from it.

Reluctantly, Reid sat, clutching his coffee mug in both hands.

Hotch leaned forward in his seat. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Neither of them able to ignore the memory of the last time they'd sat across from one another in this office. The unit had been virtually empty that day as well.

Hotch watched as Reid literally tried to shake away the images of that horrific day.

"Reid…"

The genius beat him to it, the one image shaken away, and replaced by another.

"Hotch….. you were with Haley since high school, right?" As they'd all been told, at the woman's funeral.

As he always did when he wasn't sure where things were going, Hotch kept his words to a minimum, the better not to be misunderstood.

"Right."

Reid was looking away, to the window. "So, there really wasn't anyone before her, was there?"

"We were very young, Reid." Waiting him out a few seconds, then adding, "Why are you asking?"

"I just…. I was wondering…. but I guess you wouldn't know."

"Now you have _me_ wondering. What are you trying to get at?"

Reid shrugged. "I guess I was just wondering if there's a way you can be sure when someone _isn't_ the one."

Ah. The problem was starting to come into focus. A little.

"Are you wondering about Stephanie?"

"Not anymore."

The celebrated heavy brows rose. "You broke up with her?"

"Technically, I think she broke up with me. Or we broke up with each other. Sort of."

Aaron Hotchner was much more comfortable dispensing advice on serial killers than he was on matters of the heart. He was tempted to point Reid in someone else's direction, but then remembered the romantic track records of his other colleagues. He swallowed an internal sigh. _I guess it's mine to do._

"Are you saying it was your idea….or hers?"

"Both, I guess. But for different reasons. Sort of. I don't know." Managing to shake his head, and shrug his shoulders and throw up his hands all at once, at the frustration of his genius. A bit of coffee sloshed out of the mug and made a blot on his slacks. Reid dabbed at the fabric and put his mug aside, lest his body release more of his pent up emotion.

"Are you sorry about it?"

The gaze Reid returned was so intense that Hotch realized he'd hit the mark. He'd found the right question.

"I don't know that either. I think so. I should be. But I shouldn't be….right?" The question may have been right, but the answer was anything but illuminating.

This hadn't been addressed in law school, nor in any of the training he'd undergone in the process of becoming a profiler. The BAU chief was highly skilled at dissecting the psychotic ravings of a murderous criminal. But he felt lost in trying to understand the plight of the gifted, miserable young man before him.

"Reid, maybe it would help if you could be more specific."

So Reid recounted the evening with Stephanie after the concert, and the conversation they'd shared, as Hotch tried to interpret the various expressions that crossed his face in the process.

"So, you'd already planned to break up with her?"

"Honestly, I didn't know what was going to come out of my mouth right up until the time it did. I kept going back and forth on it. I mean, Steph's great! She's smart, and talented, and pretty, and she's got a huge heart. I must be crazy for even _thinking_ about it not being right." Still shaking his head. "Right?"

Finally, Hotch found something to latch on to.

"Maybe that's the problem. You're _thinking_ about all of the reasons you should be together. But you're _feeling_ something different."

Reid's eyes narrowed as he considered what Hotch was telling him.

"You think I'm thinking too much? That I need to just go with what I feel?"

It was the older man's turn to shrug. "I don't know, Reid. All I know is that you've got two competing conclusions and you can only live with one of them."

The genius cast his eyes downward as he tried to process. "So, it's not really something I can reason through. I mean, it's not like I can make a list of pros and cons. I just have to trust that what I'm feeling is right, even if I don't understand it."

Speaking more to himself than to Hotch. Then, raising his eyes again, and looking unconvinced.

"But shouldn't it make _sense_? I mean, how do I _know_ when to trust a feeling, if it doesn't make sense?"

"If you're asking how to know when it isn't right between you, I'm not sure I'm a good person to ask. As you said, Haley and I were each other's first loves. And, with Beth….well, distance didn't do us any favors. I think our relationship suffered from neglect."

This was something Reid could relate to.

"I get that. Even living in the same city, we were both away so often, it was easy to lose track. Do you know that I didn't even remember that she'd just been to visit Las Vegas? She wanted me to join her there, but I didn't. And then I didn't even remember when she was there. I didn't keep track of her schedule."

As though it was a measure of his investment in the relationship.

"So, you understand. Maybe that's part of it. That you each get busy with the lives you're living apart, and forget about doing it together. Maybe that's what happened with myself and Beth."

Not having quite had his original question answered, Reid tried another tack.

"Well…how do you know when it _is_ right, then?" Maybe he could deduce the answer from the other side. "I mean, I thought it was right with Maeve. And I still like to think that it could have been. But I didn't even know she'd been engaged. She told me only what she chose to, and everything happened in the shadow of her stalker. I _thought_ it was right, but I don't know. Maybe, if we'd had the chance…. "

Hotch responded quickly, not wanting to give Reid the chance to travel that dark path any farther.

"You asked me how it feels when it's right. I can only tell you how it was for me, with Haley. And remember, I was sixteen. But…" a small, wistful smile turning up his lips, "….it was giddy. Heady. I remember feeling deliriously happy."

Reid just looked at him. "Hotch, this is me. I don't _get_ deliriously happy."

Touche. "Well, just…..very happy, then. Content, maybe."

"Content." Thinking it over. "Like...home? Like I've come home?"

The words resonated with Hotch. As much as he and Haley had fought, as much as he'd let the job get in the way, he'd always felt like she was 'home'. Until she wasn't.

"Yes! Like you've come home."

Reid nodded. It was a feeling that had eluded him for most of his life, but he'd had those fleeting moments of it. It was something he could relate to. But he needed to chew on it. Because, although Hotch had encouraged him to go with his feelings, Reid was who he was. He needed to think it through.

The young man stood and moved toward the door. "Thanks. I know you don't think you helped me, but you did." Showing that he was every bit the profiler his boss was. "I'll leave you to your work. Maybe you and Jack can do something this afternoon."

Hotch smiled. "We are, actually. Soccer game."

Reid grinned. "I think Henry is playing later this week."

"That's right, I heard. When does JJ get back?"

"Tonight, at 8:42."

* * *

 _ **A.N. I was invited to submit a story to a new(ish?) site called Inkittdotcom (you'll have to replace the 'dot'), which publishes novel-length submissions. They are running a contest for their fanfiction submissions. So, if you have read 'Transitions', and liked it, and are so inclined, please visit the site and give it a vote. But only if you've read it. The contest is obviously more about who and how many you know, but I'd like it to be about the writing.**_


	32. Chapter 32

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 32**

"Morning, JJ…." The words died on his lips as she got close enough to their desks for Reid to see the look on her face. He'd already read her body language, but she was always like that when she started her work week. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Tossing her purse onto her desk, not even looking at him, giving the lie to the single word she'd spoken.

Reid's mouth hung open as he considered whether anything more should come out of it. Deciding, he brought his lips back together. He was, after all, rather fond of wearing his head on his shoulders.

 _Maybe their plane was delayed, and they got home late. Maybe she didn't get enough sleep. Maybe she just needs coffee._

That was a situation he could remedy. He rose from his seat and came back a minute later with a steaming mug, amended just the way she liked it. Wordlessly, he placed it on her desk, and then walked behind her and back to his own.

JJ had just finished slamming her purse into a desk drawer when the mug arrived. She looked up in time to see Reid resume his seat and open a file.

"Thank you." Sounding a little sheepish.

"You're welcome."

Realizing that he wasn't going to intrude on her thoughts made JJ paradoxically willing to share them.

"I'm sorry. Just in a bad mood, I guess. This will help." Lifting the mug in a mock toast.

He gave her space by keeping his eyes on the file as he spoke.

"Everything all right?"

In his peripheral vision, he could see that she was shaking her head, ever so slightly.

"I guess that depends on what you mean by 'all right'." Unable to keep the sarcasm from her voice.

Reid gave up the pretense of work and spun his chair in her direction. "What's wrong?"

She was still shaking her head, and now heaved a sigh.

"Your godson broke his arm."

"What?!"

"He fell out of a tree, and broke his left…" trying to remember, sure Reid would want to know, "…..ulna."

"Is he all right?" Then realizing that, of course, he wasn't. "I mean, was it a bad break? Did he get hurt anywhere else? He didn't hurt his head, did he?"Coming around the barrier between them to sit on her desk.

Her best friend's level of concern for her son brought a brief smile to JJ's face.

"No, he didn't hurt his head. Apparently he landed on his forearm, and then rolled."

"How high up was he?"

"They said he was about eight feet off the ground."

"Who's 'they'? You weren't there?"

Something about that seemed to have brought the storm clouds back to JJ's face. But Reid couldn't make out what it was.

"JJ?"

"Henry's ' _father'_ decided it would be a good idea for Henry to go hunting with his cousins. They were in a tree stand, looking for animals to shoot."

Reid leaned back. There was so much to take in.

Henry _hunting_. Henry _shooting_. And then the drippingly acidic tone in JJ's voice when she said the word 'father'. Reid wasn't at all sure what to respond to first. But he was one hundred percent sure that he should leave the 'father' issue alone. So he started with the basics.

"Is Henry all right? Was it a bad break?"

"They said it was a greenstick fracture. You know, like if you try to bend a new branch, and…"

"And it doesn't break through all the way. Okay. So, that's not terrible unless it went _most_ of the way through. Did they say?"

"They said it wasn't very crooked, if that's what you're asking. He'll have his cast for six weeks, though."

"Ouch. So, no soccer?"

"The doctor said it would be up to his coach. They gave him a plaster cast so he can play if he wants, after about two weeks."

"Was he in much pain, JJ?" Concern creased his features, and JJ loved him for it.

"It hurt. But he did okay with some acetaminophen and some ice at the hospital. I've been giving him some when he asks for it now, but that's less and less often."

Reid couldn't get the image of the fallen Henry out of his brain. "He must have been so scared when it happened."

"He and I both. Will's cousin drove me to the hospital to meet them in emergency. The only message I'd gotten was that he'd fallen and they were bringing him to the hospital."

That sounded odd to Reid. "They didn't tell you it was just his arm?"

"Apparently they didn't have cell service where they were, and by the time they did, they were almost at the hospital. Will had sent a text, but it didn't go out until then. And it wasn't exactly informative."

Some of the acid creeping back in. Reid tried to move on to a more promising angle.

"I'll bet Henry was happy to see his mom arrive."

Judging from JJ's immediate reaction, he _hadn't_ found that more promising angle. Without warning or explanation, she suddenly filled up, and was unable to speak. Remorseful for having caused it, whatever 'it' was, and even without knowing how or why, Reid tried to apologize.

"JJ, I'm sorry, I…."

Her upraised palm silenced him, as she struggled to find her voice.

"I can't talk about it anymore, Spence, okay? I'm sorry. It's just….not right now." She swept her eyes around the bullpen, which was beginning to come to life. "And I'd rather not get into it with the whole team, either. Not today."

She was so obviously distressed, and he was so drawn to give her comfort... but he knew she needed to get there by herself. Regaining control on her own would get her through the day. So all he could do was to look his compassion at her.

"Whatever you say. You're the boss."

She reached over and squeezed his hand in thanks, just as Morgan and Kate passed through the doors of the BAU, and Garcia emerged from her upstairs lair.

"Eek, Jayje, you're back! Welcome home! Boys and girls, your liege awaits you in the round table room. Hotch wants to go through a status report on the case."

Reid gave JJ a quick look. Garcia was, after all, Henry's godmother.

"I'll tell her. Just..maybe not right away. Okay?"

"Okay. And, JJ? He'll be all right. A greenstick is pretty common in kids."

She tried to smile. "I know."

 _But the greenstick is not what I'm worried about._

* * *

Hotch and Rossi were already in the conference room when the rest joined them. They nodded greetings to the others, and Hotch welcomed JJ back from her short break.

"I hope it was more relaxing than it was long."

Reid forewent eye contact with her, and simply studied the table as he listened for her reply. Which was simple and uninformative.

"Thanks."

"All right," said Hotch, "let's run through what we've got active before we head out in separate directions. Reid?"

"Well, the long weekend was good for one thing, at least. The lab wasn't entirely shut down, but there was only a skeleton crew running any of the processes that were time sensitive. That meant that Kimura could get in there and insert the tag into the organism. She wasn't able to get it into every sample, but she tagged enough that she thinks we'll see it if it gets into circulation."

Kate was still concerned. "But you're saying that there were still other people in the lab, right? What if one of them is involved? Wouldn't they have seen her? What if they alert the others?"

Reid had already been there with Kimura. "It's unlikely. The section of the lab working on the new pneumococcus strain is physically separate from the other parts. There were some staff assigned to check on instrumentation, but she offered to do it for them while she was there. They may have gone in there after her, but she doesn't think there's any way they would know what she'd been doing."

"But they had to realize she was doing _something_ ," said Morgan. "What was her cover?"

"That she was working on antibiotic sensitivities. It's the aspect of the project that she was already involved with, and she actually _is_ still working on it. Others were working on the virulence."

Garcia didn't quite understand what Reid was saying, but she did understand empathy.

"How is she? Dr. Kimura? Is she still feeling okay?"

Reid issued a sober nod, remembering the image of the physician injecting herself with antibiotic last week.

"She's stable, as is Dr. Archer. To be safe, they'll both stay on the antibiotics for the full ten days that it takes to treat a typical infection. But that's why she's still working on sensitivities. They're not sure if the usual treatment will be adequate. None of the other patients survived long enough to give them a hint about it."

They were all quiet for a moment, as though in tribute to the battle being fought. Rossi spoke for all of them.

"She's a remarkable woman. All that on her shoulders, and you don't hear a whimper."

Reid smiled. "Yes, she is."

* * *

Morgan and Kate headed off to complete additional interviews about Peter Ramos, the lab tech with the huge medical debt. Some of his neighbors had been away for the long weekend, as had his uncle.

The Surgeon General had called a meeting of the CDC and FBI leadership involved with various arms of the investigation. She had also invited the DHS to attend, indicating her concern that they might be dealing with a case of domestic terrorism.

"Oh, great," said Rossi upon hearing of the new aspect, "just what we need. More of our good friends from DHS."

Hotch, who had just asked Rossi to attend the meeting with him, chided his old friend. "According to the Surgeon General, DHS has gotten rid of their bad blood."

Rossi cringed at the terrible pun, as his old friend had intended. Then Hotch added the real enticement.

"I saw Sid Hirsch's name on the attendee list. At least we know we'll have one person we can trust."

Rossi and Hirsch had bonded in the course of their last case together. They'd taken the measure of one another, and found it sound.

"All right, then," the founder of the BAU remarked, "Maybe we'll find a way through this mess after all."

* * *

JJ was left to help Reid conduct a systems analysis of the vaccine supply chain, looking for likely points of contamination. At Reid's request, Garcia had downloaded and enlarged an algorithmic map of the chain. Now they had to research what happened at each branching point: who had access, how and where the vaccine was handled and stored, what, if any, security measures were in place. Then they would look for intersections in location with known anti-vaxxer groups.

"And now," said JJ, "since they've raised the question of domestic terrorism, should we also be looking for places where there are known cells or recruitments going on?" The weight of the task evident in her voice.

Reid heard it, and he agreed with her. But he also knew she was carrying another burden, even if she hadn't chosen to share it with him just yet. He tried to lighten her load just a little bit, by getting her to smile, in his own perverse genius way.

"It might be even more complicated than that. It could be that the cells are manipulating the anti-vaccine groups. We''ll need to profile some of these known anti-vaxxers with the idea of domestic terrorism in mind. Which would take us approximately eighteen years and six days," he offered.

JJ looked at him sharply, hoping he was kidding. The expectant look on his face told her he was.

"Geez, Spence. You scared me for a minute."

He smiled. "Not to worry. If we work at it, we can probably shave the six days off."

Now she laughed outright, and gave him a friendly shove.

"All right, I was joking," he admitted, "But not about the profiling. We _are_ going to need to do that."

She sighed as she pulled out a chair to sit down at their conference table, already covered with algorithms and files.

"I know. To tell you the truth, I'm glad for the distraction." Realizing how absurd that must sound.

 _You're looking, essentially, for a serial killer of young children as a distraction from your own problems? Nice, JJ._

Reid didn't have to hear it said aloud to know where her thoughts had gone. "Hey, you love your son. It's okay to worry about him. It's not a contest."

She flashed him a grateful smile. "I know. It's just…..I guess my problems are pretty small compared with the ones we're dealing with in this case."

He wasn't having it. "It's okay, JJ. I'm worried about him too. In fact…. Would it be all right if I stopped by tonight? I wouldn't stay long or anything. I just want to ….. I don't know, I guess I just want to see him for myself."

Realizing she might take it wrong, though he'd have been surprised if she did. So he was quick to add, "Not that I don't trust you. It's just that… it's more for me, I guess. You kind of shook me up this morning."

"I know the feeling, believe me. You know what, Spence….I think a visit from his godfather would be great for Henry. Why don't you come for dinner? Mom is staying with us for a couple of days, just to be available in case he doesn't feel well at school or something."

"Oh, I don't want to intrude, JJ." _And I don't want to be in the middle of something between you and Will._ He remembered how she'd sounded this morning. "I can just stop by for a few minutes."

"Spence, you're never intruding. Mom would love it, and so would Henry."

"I know, but what about…"

It was as though she'd read his mind. "Will didn't come back with us. He's still in New Orleans."


	33. Chapter 33

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 33**

They'd taken it as far as they could for the day. Reid and JJ had identified the most likely points of contamination in the distribution network, given the three cities that were now involved in the case.

"Except," said JJ, "that the anti-vaccine movement is pretty pervasive. And so far the deaths have all been in cities where we know there are a lot of anti-vaxxers. We're looking for a nexus, but it could be that all of the contamination is being accomplished at the end point."

Reid acknowledged it. "I know you're right, but we have to start somewhere. It may as well be where the network branches out to those three locations."

"Did you…"

"Yes, I called Hotch. He agreed we'll need to surveil in the other locations that receive vaccine from the same branch point. But we need to figure out exactly how to do that."

She nodded. "I know. It would be obvious if we stopped all deliveries from that point, and it would eventually get out if we asked the medical offices not to use the vaccine."

"Exactly. If we want the surveillance to work, we have to let the delivery….. process… play…. out."

Reid's fluency had slowed so much with the final few words that JJ was drawn to look up at him. When she did, she saw that look she'd come to think of as the 'genius aha'. She loved seeing that look on his face, for more reasons than one, if she was honest.

"What is it? What did you think of?" She couldn't help but smile at the excitement on his face.

"JJ, think about this! We're tagging the contamination strain so we can follow it, right?"

"Right."

"But….what about on the other side? How are _they_ tracking which batches they've contaminated? How do they make sure it gets where they expect it to get?"

JJ's excitement waned, just a bit. Hadn't they been through this?

"I thought we'd profiled that they didn't care who got it? They just wanted it to make a statement."

"But they needed to make sure that enough of it got to the same area that it would be noticed. Think of it, JJ….if there hadn't been those three deaths all in the same area, up in Lane County, it would probably have been a long time before anyone noticed it. Kimura said those infections are all reported, eventually. But it's usually a task that people get around to when they have time. By having several deaths in the same area, it raised the suspicion of the local doctors. Kimura said they'd not only filled out the forms in record time, one of them had actually called the CDC."

Now she understood where he was going. "So it was important to the unsub network to make sure a certain amount of contaminated vaccine got to a geographically small area."

"Or to an area where the sickest patients all feed into the same children's hospital. It's the only way they could be sure it would get noticed."

JJ stroked her chin, thinking. Reid was glad to see it, because it was the first time all day she'd been completely absorbed in their task. He could tell she'd had trouble focusing, but he'd been frustratingly unable to help her. Not since she'd told him about Will.

For a host of reasons, Reid considered Will 'off limits' in his conversations with JJ. It had always been a bit awkward, for reasons neither of them had ever acknowledged. And then they'd both tried to make it seem natural to talk about JJ's boyfriend-come-husband. But the thinly veiled antagonism of Will toward Reid had put a fairly quick end to that. There had been a few open, raw, intimate conversations during that time when each of their lives had been at risk. But once the threat of death had been lifted, once relative normalcy had returned to them, so had the limitation to their sharing.

Reid, for one, regretted it. Sort of. As much as he cared for his best friend, as much as she'd opened herself to him, he knew there were depths to her that had never been plumbed. He suspected that they'd never even been plumbed by JJ. But, somewhere in those depths, she'd been moved to marry Will LaMontagne.

At the time, he'd questioned her decision. Not out loud, of course. But he'd wondered what had moved her, after five years (and one child) of being together, to suddenly decide it was time to get married. And then he'd chided himself for wondering.

 _What business is it of yours, he'd asked himself. It's not like she needs to check with you on her life decisions. Or on anything else, for that matter._

Reid's own feelings toward Will were complex and confusing, even to the genius. They'd all first met the police detective during that case in New Orleans. The case that was virtually a blur in Reid's mind, even though he'd helped to solve it. He'd reached his bottom in New Orleans.

 _They always said you had to hit bottom before you could rise back up._

For months he'd been skimming by, too highly functional at baseline to fail at his job. But he'd been irritable, and resentful, and, while he could tell it had come to the notice of his superiors, he'd been able to convince himself that he was getting by. But, in New Orleans, for the first time in his career….for the first time in his _life,_ for that matter….he'd slacked off. He'd let something slide, shirked a duty, lied about it. The humility and shame that ensued had consumed him, brought him to his lowest point. And, from there, he'd begun the long, slow ascent back to being the person he aspired to be.

But Will LaMontagne had only seen him at his lowest. Reid knew of the adage about the first impression being the most lasting, and so he'd owned the responsibility for Will's seeming dislike of him, the seeming dismissal of his importance in _anyone's_ life, let alone JJ's. And yet, in spite of it all, JJ _had_ kept him in her life. If anything, she'd brought them closer, by asking him to be Henry's godfather.

At first, Reid couldn't be sure if JJ was aware of Will's dislike of him, or if she was simply oblivious. But with the advance of time, and the desperate circumstances into which they'd been thrust, and their successive needs to comfort one another, Will's impatience with their relationship had become more overt. The crisis of JJ's nearly dying, and Reid's risking his own life to save her, had offered only a temporary reprieve to the intolerance.

Which was why Reid had chosen not to pursue the issue of Will's remaining in New Orleans beyond a perfunctory, "Oh? When is he coming back?"

 _Or is he coming back at all? Did this business with Henry put an end to it?_

"Friday," she'd said. "He has 'business' to attend to."

The way she'd said it made him loath to ask what she meant by 'business'.

If he had, he'd have found out that she didn't know. She was simply quoting her husband, because that was all he'd been willing to share with her. But, instead of asking, Reid had wisely changed the subject, and they hadn't spoken of it since. Which, he was almost certain, didn't mean it hadn't been on both of their minds the entire afternoon.

But, now, it looked like JJ had finally become engaged with the puzzle. Reid took advantage of the situation and pushed the discussion forward.

"Do you see? There must be some way _they're_ tagging the deliveries. So they know to make sure all the contaminated packages go in the same direction."

She was still stroking her chin. "What if they just have such a wide network that they're waiting until the vaccine gets to the individual offices before they contaminate it?"

She read the look on his face and responded to her own question.

"Yeah, you're right. It's pretty farfetched."

Reid was conciliatory. "Only because that theory would require the medical professionals themselves to be involved. Otherwise, they'd probably have reported noticing the tampering in the packaging. It's possible they found a _few_ doctors or nurses who were sympathetic to their cause, but we're talking about six different practices now."

JJ was about to point out that the packages would have to have been tampered with _somewhere_ when they both reached the same conclusion, and said it at virtually the same time.

"We need to find out who manufactures the packaging, and who else has access to it."

* * *

They set Garcia about the new task and were cautiously optimistic about having come to a breakthrough point in the case. _Cautiously_ optimistic, because they still had to wait for the tagged pneumococcus to make its way out of the lab and into the pipeline.

Hotch convened the team at the end of the day, to review the status of each aspect of the case. He started off with some information he and Rossi had been given by Sid Hirsch.

"Apparently DHS made its way into the lab over the weekend as well. They've installed surveillance cameras to observe the entrance and every angle of the inner lab. They'll monitor, but they won't move in until the tagged strain makes its way into the system."

"My bet is on Peter Ramos," remarked Morgan, as Kate nodded in agreement. Then she explained.

"I actually feel kind of bad for him. He worked two jobs all through college and grad school, and managed to get out of there without any debt. But just barely. And then his mom dies, and the hospital goes after them because she didn't have insurance."

"Doesn't everybody have insurance now?" asked Garcia.

Hotch corrected her. "More people do than before. But there's still a cost to it, and some people have decided the fines are more affordable than the insurance."

"Until disaster strikes," came from the sardonic voice of Rossi.

"Yeah, well, disaster struck Peter Ramos and his mother. The neighbors told us he was very close with his mother, very devoted to her. He took her death hard, and they don't seem to think he's gotten over it yet."

"Maybe some of what they're seeing as grief is actually stress over what he's been doing at the lab," posited JJ.

"Exactly," Morgan affirmed. "Otherwise our boy's got a clean record. But, put grief and overwhelming debt together…which, by the way, would have put him out on the street….and we have our motive."

Reid had sympathy for their suspect. "Maybe 'motive' is the wrong word. Maybe he's really not thinking straight. Grief can do that to someone."

Morgan eyed his colleague. "I know that, Pretty Boy. But grief is an explanation. It's not an excuse. It doesn't fundamentally change who a person is."

Reid wasn't so sure about that, but he wasn't about to argue it in the middle of a case. He simply responded to a nod from Hotch and updated the rest of the team about what he and JJ had concluded.

"So, we thought that, if no one has reported the packages being tampered with, maybe the vaccines were being totally repackaged at some point along the way. So we asked Garcia to look into it."

She jumped in. "Your wish was my command, said the computer genie in the bottle. Except I think you're gonna need three wishes for this one."

Garcia's face reflected her disappointment that she hadn't been able to complete the task to her satisfaction.

"See, it wasn't hard to track down the name of the manufacturer. But then I decided to see if there's anyone else who makes a similar product…these are insulated packages," she explained to the others, "and here's the bad news: there are literally hundreds of companies that can make these. All our unsubs would need to do would be to copy the markings from an official package and they'd be in business."

Reid had expected as much. "But what if we looked to see if anyone ordered a supply of boxes matching the exact size and shape of the vaccine packages? Given how we've profiled they're operating, the order would be under the name of an individual, not a company."

Garcia's brows raised in interest. "Wish number two, coming right up." And she hurried back to her lair to conduct the search.

"So, just so I'm clear on this," said Kate, "we still aren't sure if the tainted syringes are being added to the packages at a specific company where the vaccine is made?"

"Correct," said Reid. "But Kimura thinks we're close to knowing whether it was a specific type of vaccine that had been contaminated, or if it was several different types. If it was only one, we'll be looking directly at that manufacturer. If several, it's much more likely the contamination happens after the vaccines are sent for distribution. Either way, the packaging would be the same."

Which prompted a thought from Morgan. "What about the syringes? Shouldn't we be looking at who makes them?"

JJ had already been through this with Reid. "We will, as soon as we get that information from Kimura. The delivery packaging is similar among the vaccines, but the syringes are all different. We thought it would be better to wait."

That aspect of the discussion dispensed with, Reid wanted to hear about something else that had yet to be reported on.

"Hotch, how did it go at your meeting? Are they really trying to put this all on Dr. Kimura?"

Rossi interjected before Hotch could answer. "That CDC wank is just trying to cover his butt. Good thing the Secretary is a stand-up gal."

JJ and Kate exchanged a look at the 'gal', catching Rossi's eye in the process.

"All right. She's a good woman. Better?"

Their smiles told him it was. Then Hotch answered Reid's original question.

"The issue of blame has been successfully set aside until there is more information available. And, as our esteemed friend here pointed out," indicating Rossi with a nod of his head, "for the sake of…how exactly did you put that, Dave?"

"I told them we needed to keep our heads out of our asses if we wanted to prevent any more deaths. Metaphorically speaking, of course."

The others all laughed out loud, while Reid's features relaxed into a relieved smile.

"You actually said that in a meeting of bigwigs?" Kate sounded incredulous.

More and more often, she had reason to think it was going to be hard to leave the BAU, and the rest of her team. And those reasons were making it hard to make the decision she knew would have to come sooner rather than later.

"It's the privilege of being within a few years of my second retirement, my friend. I have nothing to lose. Which, I suspect, is why our esteemed unit chief likes to invite me along to these little gatherings of inflated egos."

Hotch was unsuccessful in restraining his grin. Clapping his old friend on the back, he dismissed the team for the day.

* * *

Reid had promised to arrive to JJ's as soon as he was finished with his pulmonary PT. But, as he was putting in his time on the treadmill, an idea occurred to him.

 _I'll just make a quick stop. I think I know a place between here and there._

Thus, he rang the bell of the LaMontagne home laden with a couple of packages. He smiled as he heard the expected pounding of little feet down the hallway within. A second later, the door opened and he was confronted with the sight of his godson wearing a cast from his hand to his elbow.

"Uncle Spence!" Great excitement in his voice, " Mommy said there was a s'prise, but I didn't know it was you!"

"Well, it is. And I've got another surprise for you, too!"

Reid had crouched down so he and Henry could have a proper hug. Even though Henry's hug was one-armed, it felt to Reid as though it was a little tighter, a little more needy than usual.

 _I'm probably just reading into it._

They hadn't quite released the embrace when Henry decided to announce their visitor at full volume. Since his mouth was in the vicinity of Reid's ear, the sound was brain-rattling.

"Mama, Meme, Uncle Spence is here!"

This time Reid picked up on the 'Mama'. According to JJ, it was Henry's 'tell'. He only used it when he was frightened, or upset. Otherwise he'd left it behind with toddler Henry.

 _So maybe I'm not reading into things. Here, I thought JJ was upset about Will still being in New Orleans. Maybe she's upset about Henry._

Reid followed his nose…..and his godson….down the hallway, enticed by an aroma from the kitchen.

"Mm, smells good. What is it?"

Sandy turned from where she'd been tending to something on the stove.

"Spencer! I'm so happy you could join us." As she spoke, she wiped her hands on her apron and moved across the kitchen. She took Reid's face in both hands and brought his cheek down for a kiss.

Once upon a time, he'd have run away from it. But, just as he had captured Sandy's heart, she had captured a bit of his. He'd begun to measure what his mother might have been like against how Sandy was. Unknown to either him or Sandy, they'd both begun to see her almost as an agent for Diana, doing for Reid what Diana might have longed to do, but couldn't.

"Hey, you made it."

Reid turned to the voice behind him. "Hi."

"Did you get held up at PT? I thought you might be here a while ago."

He grinned. "Nope. Laura tried to do me in, but I held my own. No, I just stopped to pick up a little dessert…" Holding up one package. "And a little surprise."

"For Henry?" Reid was happy to see her looking pleasantly amused.

"Mmm…sort of. A little bit for Henry, and then Henry and I will both have a surprise for the two of you."

"Can we open it now, Uncle Spence?" Henry was practically jumping in place.

Reid turned to the women. "How much time do we have before dinner?"

Sandy answered. "It's only sauce. It will keep. You men do what you have to do, and we'll eat when you're ready."

Reid looked to JJ for confirmation. Once granted, he turned to Henry.

"Okay, little man. This is something we need to do in your room. But first I'm going to need to hear how you got that," pointing to the cast. "You _did_ notice that your arm in covered in cement, didn't you?"

Henry giggled. "It's not cement, Uncle Spence, it's a cast! Because I fell out of the tree and my arm broke!"

"Ouch!" said his godfather, "that must have hurt!"

Henry nodded. "I cried." The true measure of six-year-old pain.

"Does it still hurt now?"

Henry was a little more subdued this time. "A little. But Mama and Meme give me medicine."

 _Mama again._

"Well, you're just going to have to stay out of trees, I guess. It's easier to stay in one piece that way." Thinking a moment, then adding, "Unless you're a monkey."

As intended, Henry giggled. "You're silly, Uncle Spence!"

"Hmph. I may be silly, but I will remind you, young man, that I am also holding a surprise."

The bouncing started again, in earnest. "Let's go!"

"Lead the way," said his godfather. As he left the kitchen, and mostly for Henry's benefit, Reid turned back and addressed the ladies, "And no peeking!"

"Yeah, no peeking!" came from down the hall.

Once they were in his room, Reid lifted his godson to the bed and sat down next to him.

"Okay, so do you want to see your surprise?"

"Yeah!"

Reid laid the plastic bag on his lap and pulled out the contents, handing them to Henry. Who looked puzzled. And disappointed.

"But I already _have_ markers, Uncle Spence."

"These aren't just any markers, Henry. They're waterproof markers."

"So?"

"So, they're about to do some magic, right here in your bedroom."

"They are?"

"Yep. But you'll have to help me."

"How?"

"Right now, all you have to do is lay your arm right here on my leg, and keep it as still as you can. I'll do the rest."

"Oookayyy." Henry sounded uncertain. But it _was_ his Uncle Spence, whom he loved and trusted with all his heart. So he complied.

Reid opened the package and pulled out a few colored markers. When he uncapped the first one and was clearly intending to mark up the cast, Henry hissed.

"Mama will be mad."

"No, she won't. I looked it up. There's no problem if we draw on it. Especially if we make sure it's waterproof."

So Henry acquiesced, and let his Uncle Spence have his way. It did, after all, look like fun. So much so that...

"Can I try?" After all, it seemed like Uncle Spence was only coloring the entire thing red. Henry could do that, too.

"Sure. Here, I got us a whole bunch of the same colors." And the two of them scribbled away.

As they did, Reid decided to probe a little more about what had happened to Henry. As he recalled, the broken arm wasn't the only shocking news that JJ had delivered this morning..

"So, did you have a good time visiting your cousins? Up until the time you fell out of the tree, I mean."

A brief hesitation, followed by "I guess so."

"Weren't they nice to you?"

"Yeah, they were. Nicky let me play with his Legos." A favorite Henry pastime, and one he often shared with his godfather.

"Well, good. So, what were you guys doing up in that tree?" Playing it down as he continued filling in the space on Henry's cast.

A much longer hesitation this time. Then, "We were hunting."

Reid stopped coloring and looked at Henry. He wanted to be able to read the little boy.

"Hunting?! Wow, Henry, I didn't know you hunted."

"I never did before. But Daddy said he did it when he was a little boy. And Nicky does it, and David too."

"So you decided you wanted to try?" Watching keenly.

"Daddy said I should."

 _Daddy said._ "What were you hunting for?"

Henry didn't quite seem to understand the question, so Reid rephrased.

"Did you catch anything?"

Almost immediately, the little face crumpled, and Reid's heart fell.

"What is it, buddy? What's wrong?"

Henry tried very hard not to cry, but it wasn't in him. "David shooted at a squirrel and it fell down. It wasn't doing anything wrong, Uncle Spence! It wasn't a bad guy! It was just climbing a tree!"

Henry had become so distressed that Reid put aside their markers and moved the little one to his lap. He put both arms around him, and pulled him close, instinctively rocking back and forth.

"It's all right, little man. It's all right." Doing his best to soothe.

"But I couldn't save him, Uncle Spence! I tried to save him, but I fell! I think he died!"

Reid closed his eyes and held Henry even tighter, as though he could squeeze the grief from the little boy.

 _My God…..no wonder JJ was upset._

A soft knock at the door got his attention. JJ opened it wide enough to admit her head. Apparently she'd heard Henry's keening.

"Everything okay in here?"

Henry's face was buried into his godfather's chest as Reid looked at her and mouthed the words, "I'm so sorry." He watched the wetness rush to her eyes, and wished he could hold both of them.

Aloud, he said, "We'll be okay. Henry was just telling me about when he fell."

That sad smile came to her face again, as she swallowed back her tears. "Sure you don't need me?"

"Don't we always? But it's okay. We're almost done here. Maybe we could be ready to eat in about ten minutes?"

"Okay….." Slowly, reluctantly, backing out of the room. But, if there was anyone besides herself that she would trust to comfort her son in his distress, it was Spence.

* * *

Ten minutes later, to the minute, the two emerged from Henry's bedroom. When they entered the kitchen, JJ was relieved to see his typical sunny smile back on her son's face.

"Look, Mama! Look, Meme! I'm Spiderman!"

He proffered the arm encased in the cast, which had been transformed, through the magic of waterproof markers and Reid's rudimentary artistic ability, into a full-fledged, web-slinging appendage.

"Oh, my goodness, Henry," his grandmother fussed over him, "I always knew you were a superhero!"

JJ grinned as she bent to examine the work of art. "You're definitely _my_ hero!"

When she rose again, she looked over Henry's head to Reid. "You, too."

* * *

Dinner had been delayed, and Henry's exhaustion had crept in during dessert. So Reid prepared to make a quick exit once he'd bid goodnight to his little partner in crime.

Hugs and kisses….and webs….dispensed with, JJ walked Reid to the door. He turned to her before opening it.

"I get it now. I'm so sorry, JJ. But don't worry. He'll get past it. He's a resilient kid."

Regret was written all over her face as she responded, "He's had to be, hasn't he?"

He would have loved to reassure her on that point. But she was right. And, it seemed, there might be more that Henry would need to be resilient about.

Reid still didn't know if Will's remaining in New Orleans had to do with the injury to Henry, or the state of the LaMontagne marriage, or something else entirely. And the last thing he could do was to ask. There had been a few opportunities for it to come up during dinner, but it was as though the two Jareau women were actively avoiding it.

 _Maybe they just didn't want to talk in front of me. But if I know JJ…and I do….it's because she's holding back. Which isn't good for anybody._

So, considering she was his best friend, and he was hers…..he owed it to her to be completely honest. In an oblique way.

"You know, when you sent your mom over to my place with dinner last week, we had quite a nice talk together."

"That's nice."

"Yes. She's very easy to talk to. And very wise."

"Spence…"

"She loves you, JJ. There's nothing you will ever say to her that will change that."

"I don't…"

"Would you ever have Henry carry a burden alone when you could share it with him?"

"Of course not!"

"Well….."

She considered it for a few seconds, ending with a great sigh. "I'll think about it."

He smiled at her affectionately, even as he shook his head. "All right, I guess that's all I can ask, O Stubborn One."

"Ha. Pot, meet kettle. I'll see you in the morning, Spence. Thanks for coming over. I think Henry is actually excited about going to school tomorrow."

She leaned up and kissed his cheek.

"Just tell him not to websling Miss Ruth."


	34. Chapter 34

_**A.N. Well, the day has come, and gone. The earth is diminished and heaven enriched. My dear friend, mentioned at the close of Before I Sleep, passed away last week. I am one hundred percent sure he was met with open arms, so no need for prayer. But, if you have a treasured friend in your life, give them a call.**_

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 34**

JJ stood at the window longer than was necessary, watching the tail lights of Spence's car recede into the distance.

 _Maybe he's right. Maybe I should._ She encouraged herself.

And then argued right back. _But she'll be so disappointed in me!_

 _It's not like she doesn't already know something is wrong, JJ. She can tell. Why not talk it through with her? Maybe she can help._

 _Nothing can help. And it's not like you_ want _anything to help._

Her cynical side had taken the last word in the internal argument. She went back out to the kitchen where she found her mother putting away the last of the leftovers.

"I do wish Spencer would have let me give this to him. I managed to peek a bit into his cupboard when I brought him dinner last week. I can see why he's so thin."

JJ smiled at Sandy's maternal concern for her best friend. "Don't take it personally. I've seen it over the years. He pulls back a little when he feels like he's being tended to."

"Why in the world would anyone do that? We all need tending to, from time to time, don't we?"

JJ felt her mother's gaze on her, and wasn't surprised to hear her next words.

"Do _you_ need tending to, Jennifer?" When there was no immediate response, she added, "I'm quite experienced in that particular area, you know."

JJ lifted her head to look at her mother, and broke Sandy's heart in the process. She hadn't seen such sad eyes on her daughter since they'd lost the man they'd both loved all their lives. Reflexively, she opened her arms.

"Oh, sweetheart!"

Just as reflexively, JJ stepped into her mother's embrace, as though the last thirty years of her life hadn't distanced them at all. Her silence told Sandy that JJ was fighting for control.

"Let it out, honey. It's been a very stressful time, hasn't it?"

As she pulled back from Sandy, JJ thought about how alike she and Spence were in at least this one thing. She'd long since overcome her need to look impenetrable with him. He'd become her go-to, her hiding place of sorts, the one person with whom she finally, finally, had been able to let down. But she still resisted showing that side of herself to her mother. To her mother, she wanted to appear as though she deserved the independence she'd claimed so long ago.

Except that, here she was, having fallen once again into those very arms, seeking refuge in them again, as she had so often in her childhood. Maybe I _do_ need to be tended to.

It was as though the silent acknowledgement unleashed something, and she was immediately engulfed in tears.

"Oh, Mom…" having trouble getting her words out….."I've made such a mess of everything! I've completely made a mess of my life!"

Sandy brought her to the table and sat her down, then disappeared for a moment. When she returned, she had a box of tissues in her hand, and a sad smile on her face.

"Henry's door is closed. He's sound asleep." _You can speak freely._

JJ sniffed as she took a tissue from the box. "Thanks."

Sandy put the kettle on…..no microwaved tea for her….and sat across from her daughter.

"Talk to me, sweetheart. Tell me what's on your heart."

JJ smiled her gratitude at her mother, but had trouble maintaining eye contact. "I'm just so ashamed, Mom. I know you'll be disappointed in me."

Which brought out some maternal indignation from Sandy. "Firstly, I would never be disappointed in you, Jennifer. I love you. And I would never want to hear anyone say anything disparaging about you….including you. And, secondly, can you give me a little credit? Do you really think I'm that rigid?"

"No!" An immediate response. "No, Mom, of course I don't. It's just….you and Daddy had such a good marriage, and I know you both wanted it for me. And I've messed it up, completely!"

"It takes two to make a marriage, Jennifer."

"Does it take two of us to ruin one, too?"

Sandy reached across the table and laid her hand on her daughter's.

"Jennifer, have you and Will been talking about divorce?"

"We haven't been talking about anything! That's part of the problem. And, when we do talk, he doesn't listen to me."

JJ paused, as though hearing the echo of her own words. "Maybe I don't listen to him, either."

The whistle of the kettle beckoned Sandy, who left JJ alone with her thoughts while she prepared their drinks. A minute later, she returned with two steaming mugs.

"Let it cool a little, sweetheart. You don't want to burn your tongue."

JJ looked at her mother and laughed, in spite of herself. "Yes, Mommy."

Sandy laughed as well. "I will always be your mother, and you will always be my daughter. I love you, Jennifer. And there is nothing you will ever do or say to change that."

"That's what Spence said."

"You talked to Spencer about this?" Sounding surprised.

"No. No…it's not…..not about this. I can't. He knows that. I think that's why he wanted me to talk to you."

Even as she was thinking of which of her casseroles she would bring Reid as a thank-you gift, Sandy said, "Well, he was right. Honey, we can both see how burdened you are. You can't carry everything alone. Let me help you."

JJ's shoulders fell as some of the tension released from them. Just the thought of being able to lighten her load was heartening.

"I don't know that you can, Mom. But I'm so grateful that you want to try." She reached over and squeezed her mother's hand, then reached for her tea, sipping as she gathered her thoughts. And then…..

"Whoa! Did you do what I think you did?"

"Just think of it as medicinal." _And good for lubricating the tongue._

"Wow. My own mother, plying me with whiskey," she joked. Then JJ raised her mug, mirrored by her mother. "Here's to….whatever."

"Cheers."

They each took a sip, and then Sandy encouraged her daughter.

"You were saying?"

JJ put her mug down, took a deep breath, and started in.

"I know you and Daddy weren't thrilled when I got pregnant, and Will and I weren't even married."

It may have been the twenty-first century, but the Jareaus hadn't exactly been on board with the idea. But they'd dealt with it.

"It's true, honey. We'd always kind of seen you going the more traditional route. But we weren't disappointed in _you_ , if that's what you're thinking."

"Were you disappointed when we started to live together?"

Sandy took an extra few seconds to align her words. "Not disappointed, really. I think we just wondered. I mean, we thought, if she loves this man enough to make a child with him, and to live together, what is keeping her from marrying him?"

"But you weren't ashamed of me?"

"Jennifer! Of course not! We loved you, Dad and I. We still do, even if he isn't here to say it. We just wondered if there was something holding you back."

"So did I, to tell you the truth."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Will asked me to marry him practically from the time I told him I was pregnant. And I couldn't bring myself to say 'yes'. Not for almost four years."

"Why, honey? What kept you from it?"

JJ just shook her head. "I didn't even know, and I couldn't let myself think about it. I….maybe I was afraid of what I would find out if I thought it through. So I made sure I was busy enough not to think too hard. In my line of work, that's pretty easy to pull off."

"But you changed your mind, didn't you? You must have thought about it then."

Another shake of the younger blonde's head. "That's the thing, Mom. I didn't. I just _felt_. It was pure emotion, pure relief. If I did any thinking at all, it was just to tell myself that I wouldn't have felt such relief if I didn't love him. So, I figured, logically, I _must_ love him. So…."

"So, you got him to ask you again, and this time, you said 'yes'." Remembering the story.

Finally, a nod from JJ. "That was pretty much it."

Sandy took another sip from her mug, prompting JJ to do the same. They both felt the need for fortification.

"And now?"

JJ stared down into the still steaming liquid. "And now, I have to wonder if I was right. Or if I completely mistook one emotion for another."

"Are you saying you don't love Will?"

JJ shrugged. "I don't know, Mom. I mean, he's a good dad. He loves Henry. We've had a lot of fun times together. We've created some memories as a family. But we're _so_ different. Before I got pregnant, we spent weekends together, but that pretty much always felt like being on vacation. Afterward, being together full time, I think our differences became more noticeable."

Sandy looked at her daughter for a long moment. "And you thought you could fix the situation."

"You sound like the voice of experience."

Her mother pushed back her seat so she could lean in toward JJ. " _Every_ wife has that experience, Jennifer. We all learn that marriage is compromise. It's the coming together of two entirely separate individuals, and trying to make something new with them. Something that has its own character and shape. A good relationship is like that."

JJ opened her mouth to speak, but Sandy stopped her. She wasn't quite finished.

"The important thing in my own marriage…the thing that made it work….was that we _both_ came together. We compromised in different ways, and about different things, but we _both_ owned that responsibility, at the same time. We knew we were building a future together."

"Are you saying that you don't think that's what Will and I do?"

"Do you?" Waiting for her daughter to figure it out.

It was JJ's turn to take time to ponder. "Well, he made the first sacrifice. He moved up from New Orleans. He gave up his job, and his family. And now I guess I realize that he also gave up a way of life." Pause. "But, Mom, I never asked him to. I never asked him to do any of those things."

"What was his alternative?"

JJ frowned. "I guess I didn't really give him one, did I? I wasn't about to give up _my_ job or _my_ friends, or _my_ way of life. If he hadn't moved, he wouldn't have had Henry in his life."

"Do you think he moved for Henry, or for you?"

JJ had to think about that for a while. And conclude, "I don't honestly know."

"What about now? Why are things coming to a head now?"

"Now, he's asking _me_ to do all the things _he_ did before, as though I owe him. He wants me to leave my job, and my friends….. _you_ , even….and move to New Orleans. Mom, I can't do that! I can't. I just can't."

Seeing her daughter begin to get worked up, Sandy effectively paused the conversation by getting up to rummage in the pantry. She came back with a package of Henry's favorite crème-filled chocolate cookies. As she placed them on the table between them, JJ chuckled through her tears.

"That bad, huh? Is this a one-sleeve conversation or a two-sleeve one?"

Sandy smiled in return. "As many as it takes." She took her seat again. "You were saying that Will wants you to move to New Orleans now. Has something changed with him?"

Already unscrewing a cookie, JJ said, "You know, I was just thinking….what he _wants_ is different, but what he's _doing_ is pretty much the same. I mean, he never even consulted me before he quit his job with NOPD and made his plan to move up here. Just like he didn't consult me when he planned this trip, or when he decided to take our son hunting."

Sandy did her best to play the role of objective listener, despite each of her maternal genes screaming otherwise.

"So, you're saying his behavior is the same, but his goals are different?"

"I guess so. But then I ask myself if I'm just being unreasonable. It's been almost seven years, maybe he's entitled to want something different. Except that he seems to think I owe it to him, as though we've been playing some sort of game, and now it's my turn."

"So, you're expected to compromise, because he did?"

"That's what it seems like. Isn't that what you and Daddy did?"

Sandy shook her head this time. "No, honey. Not at all. Your dad and I both compromised because we had a common goal. We did it differently, but we did it _together_."

JJ worked at another cookie. "That's not us at all. And, to tell you the truth, it might be my fault. I mean, Will seemed to know what he wanted, when we first met. I don't think I had a clue. I was working at the Bureau, in a job that I loved….if you can believe that about my line of work….and I was just happy to be doing what I was doing. I wasn't really even thinking about life goals then. Career goals, maybe, but not life goals."

"You were younger then."

"So was Will. But he seemed to know what he wanted."

"You're different people, of course you would think about things differently. There's nothing right or wrong about it."

"Except that now he wants something that I'm not prepared to give him. And, oh my God, I know he never meant for Henry to get hurt, but I don't know how to forgive him for it. I'm not even talking about the broken arm, Mom. I know it could have happened anywhere, for any reason. But he took my son…. _our_ son," correcting herself, "on a hunting trip that I knew to my very core was wrong. I _know_ Henry. I _know_ how empathetic he is. How could Will _not_ have known that?"

Sandy was upset with that particular situation as well, having taken her own turn comforting her distressed grandson. But, she reminded herself, it was her job to be a sounding board right now. And sounding boards reflected only sound, not emotion.

"I'm sure Will didn't intend for Henry to become upset. He was probably too excited about sharing some of his own childhood with his son."

JJ's narrowed gaze met her mother's. "But shouldn't a father be willing to give those things up, if they're not good for his child? Isn't that the kind of sacrifice a parent makes?"

Sandy conceded the point. "It should be. But we all make mistakes. I'm sure Will regrets his decision….doesn't he?"

JJ could only shrug. "To tell you the truth, Henry was so upset, and I was so angry, that we slept in separate rooms the two nights after that. And then we came home. I'm not even sure Will realizes what it's done to our little boy."

"You probably need to tell him, then. He deserves to know." _And to feel badly about it._ Sounding boards might not _express_ their emotions, but it didn't mean they didn't have them.

"I will, when he gets home."

Reminding Sandy of why they'd been able to have this private conversation.

"Why, exactly, did he say he needed to stay in New Orleans? Was this planned, or is he just letting you cool down?"

"Not that he actually discussed it with me, but I think it was planned. And God only knows why. For all I know, he's bought a house and expects me to quit my job and move down there. Maybe he's already lobbied me to the NOLA FBI office. Who knows?"

It was Sandy's turn to reach for a cookie. "You wouldn't…."

"No, I wouldn't. That much I know. I couldn't, Mom. That lifestyle is not for me. And I would have to leave the BAU, and you, and all of my friends…."

"Including Spencer."

JJ looked sharply over at her mother.

"Yes, including Spence. What does that mean?"

Sandy held out a few beats, as though deciding what to say, or if she should say anything at all. In the end, she decided to pose it as a question.

"Do you think there is anything else, besides his missing New Orleans, that might have made Will anxious to move you all down there?"

At the widening of her daughter's eyes, Sandy continued. "Honey,…"

"Mom, I have never done anything that would dishonor my marriage. Not with Spence, and not with anyone else."

"I know that, Jennifer. But I'm not blind, and I'm not deaf. If I can see how close you are with Spencer, so can Will."

She was right, and JJ knew it. She and Will had even discussed it, more than once. And she'd assured him, as she'd just now assured her mother, that her feelings for Spence were entirely different from her feelings for Will.

 _At least I_ have _feelings for Spence._

"Do you really think that's it? Do you think he's so focused on Spence that he can't see all of the other things that are wrong in our relationship?"

"I don't know. And I'm sorry to have brought it up. But I don't see how it will help you if you don't look at everything."

JJ raised troubled eyes to her mother. "Do you think I need to step away from Spence? Not that I would know how. I see him at work every day, Mom. And Henry-what would Henry do without him? For that matter, what would it do to Spence to lose Henry?" _And me?_

Her daughter looked so miserable that Sandy rose and moved behind her, stretching her arms to envelop her. For a moment, they were back in a kitchen in rural Pennsylvania, a mother comforting her upset child.

"I wish I had the answers for you, sweetheart. But I'm afraid I can only give you more questions. What do _you_ think? Do you think the differences between you and your husband would disappear if Spencer was not a part of your life? Do you think Will believes that?"

JJ squeezed her mother's arms around her in thanks. "I know you don't have the answers, Mom. Not that I don't wish you did. But, you know what, I think you might have just hit on the right question."

"I did?" Sandy released her and took her seat back at the table.

"Yes. It's exactly that. Will sees all of our problems as being centered on Spence. At first, he thought it was the job, but when my job changed and our problems didn't, he had to find something….or someone….new to blame. So it became Spence, because we were never really apart for all that long."

"And?" Sensing there was more, and not quite following.

"And…I know that our problems are much deeper than me having a best friend who is not Will. Spence and I were close even before I met Will. That didn't stop me from having a relationship and getting pregnant, did it? So why should it be the reason we can't keep it together now? Really, Mom, I think you hit on it. Will doesn't want to really look at the state of our marriage, so he looks around for someone else to blame."

"And he sees Spencer."

JJ squinted at her mother. Her tone had made it sound like there was another message in her words. But what?

"Yes. So?"

"So, honey, in some ways, you've made it easy for him to place blame."

"We're back to that? Mom, really, I want to know what you think. Do I need to find a way to keep Spence out of my life?" _Please say 'no'._

Sandy's eyes were wet now, for a host of reasons.

"Jennifer, you know I have come to love Spencer as though he were one of my own. After all, he saved your life. And the last thing I would ever want to do would be to hurt either of you. But it's clear that Will is not about to work on any of the real issues in your marriage for as long as he has Spencer to blame. If you want to make a go of it…..and, honey, I am so, so sorry to say this….I think you might have to do exactly that."

JJ's tears were no longer contained. She reached for a tissue to catch them as they ran down her cheeks.

" _If_ I want to make a go of it. That's the real question, isn't it? I mean, totally apart from Spence. Do I still want to make a go of it?"

Sandy's gaze penetrated. "Do you?"

JJ swallowed heavily. "Would you think less of me if I said 'no'?"

"Never, sweetheart. You are my daughter and I love you. And I'll beat up anyone who tries to bring you down." Smiling through her tears, calling back to something she used to say to JJ in that rural Pennsylvania kitchen.

JJ smiled back. Nearly mirror images, the two Jareau women. Both smiling as they looked at the other through the prism of their tears. A team. Formidable.

With a team like that, how could she go wrong? JJ decided. "Then the answer is 'no'."

* * *

Miles away, Reid struggled to stay focused on his reading.

 _Poor Henry._

Once again feeling the shaking of his godson's sobs as he'd held him close a few hours ago.

 _I'm sure Will didn't mean for it to turn out the way it did. But what could he have been thinking? I hardly ever get to see Henry except on weekends, and even I know how sensitive he is. Maybe if he'd grown up differently. Maybe if he'd been a part of that lifestyle from the beginning. But, seriously?"_

He hurt for his godson. Over the years, Reid had seen children subjected to a host of horrors. On the scale of that, Henry's experience had been mild. Still, and as much as he cared about those other children, this was _Henry_. The child he _loved_.

 _I need to see if I can cheer him up on Saturday. He'll have fun with his friend along. We'll make sure we see the space shuttle and the moon rocks. And maybe I can talk JJ into letting me treat them to ice cream on the way home._

Which thought brought its own distress.

 _It's been a long time since I've seen her holding that much in. I sure wouldn't want to be Will right now. Or ever. But I'm worried about her. She's so used to being in control, and I can tell that she thinks she's lost that. And maybe she's lost something else as well. I hope she took me up on talking to her mother._

 _Looks like I might have two people to cheer up on Saturday._ Then, remembering his own newly-single state, he added, _Make that three._


	35. Chapter 35

_**A.N. Thanks to all for your messages of condolence, and to (guest) Flutrbye for your words of comfort. One of the benefits of getting older is that you learn that life comes and goes, gets happy, and sad, and then happy again. So the lows are more shallow, and the highs more treasured, as are the friendships.**_

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 35**

The rest of the week passed relatively without incident. The vaccine supply chain had reactivated after the long weekend, with spot checks for radioactively-tagged pneumococcus strains occurring at select locations. Rossi had best expressed the frustration all of them were feeling at the inability to screen for vaccine contamination at _every_ nexus.

"People think it's our technology that holds us back. They're always waiting for that next breakthrough that will make sure the good guys win all the time. They don't realize it's money. Good old moolah. We _have_ the technology. We just can't afford to use it."

There simply weren't enough tools, nor enough money to pay all the agents who would have to use them. So they'd targeted their locations based on Reid's best guesses as to where the contaminated vaccine might pass through on its way to the target location. Which meant he'd also had to render a best guess about the next target location. While the responsibility weighed heavily on the BAU genius, he was more than willing to shoulder it.

Morgan thought they might have overlooked the obvious.

"There has to be an initial branching off point, right? Why can't they just scan at each of the first branch points in the chain, and then concentrate on the branch that has the contaminated vaccine?"

Reid explained. "The radioactive tag works, but it's not present in enough concentration. Its signature would be lost in a large shipment. So we've had to concentrate on places where the vaccine load will be five hundred cases or fewer."

Kate let out a low whistle. "It sounds like we're taking a big chance on having guessed right, then."

Hotch disagreed. "Reid created a sound algorithm. I think the odds are in our favor."

The recipient of Hotch's vote of confidence flashed him an appreciative glance.

With the tagged vaccine in play, all they could do was wait for it to appear at one of the checkpoints. But they still had the issue of Peter Ramos and his suspected role in delivering the pneumococcus to those who used it to tamper with the vaccine. Hotch called on Morgan for an update.

"So far this week, he's been a good boy. We've got street surveillance that says he's mostly come and gone as expected for work. The lab surveillance cameras haven't picked up on anything. Unless…." Looking toward Reid.

The younger man sat up straighter. "Nothing. I went over the footage with Kimura. She said his movements were entirely consistent with the specific tasks he was supposed to be accomplishing."

Rossi tilted his seat back, hands clasped across his abdomen. "We have to wonder if the network was tipped off. Maybe our friends in Oregon got word out to someone…"

"Or maybe there was another partner who noticed they'd been taken into custody. We can't be sure the three we arrested were the only ones involved out there," added Kate.

"Yeah," said Reid, "but they managed to send contaminated vaccine to three more cities after the arrests were made. Either they don't realize we're aware of them, or they don't care."

The deepening furrow of Hotch's brow told them all what _he_ thought. "I think it's likely they are aware we're investigating. There's only so much hidden presence a full task force can accomplish. So I think we have to go on the likelihood that they aren't intimidated."

"Or that they _want_ to be found out." Reid had that look in his eyes, and that tone in his voice. "What if this isn't really about vaccines at all?"

"Huh?" Kate was the only one who said it aloud, but the sentiment occupied a thought cloud above each head in the room.

"What if they're just using vaccines to show us how vulnerable we are? I mean, if you think about it, this could be, essentially, biological warfare. The only difference between what happened to us here in DC last fall, and what's happening now, is that, the last time, they contaminated the air in a specific location. Now, they're contaminating vaccine, in multiple locations."

"You're saying DHS is right. That this is terrorism." Morgan sounded like he agreed with Reid. "We've already profiled that it might be domestic terrorism effected for a cause. Now we need to think about whether that cause is actually what it seems to be."

"And," added Rossi, also on board, "whether the terrorism is actually domestic."

"Can we just talk this through, so I can make sure I'm not missing anything?" asked Kate.

Hotch motioned her to continue.

"All right. So, at first, this looked like anti-vaxxers trying to make their point."

"It still might be," Morgan pointed out. "But it's looking like they, and their cause, were just dupes that allowed our real masterminds to use them on the ground."

Kate nodded, following. "All right. So, then we step in and arrest three players we're pretty sure somehow helped deliver what they knew to be contaminated vaccine. Right?"

"Right." Reid encouraged her. "And while the reason for their arrests weren't made public, so we wouldn't have a panic on our hands, their suppliers have to know by now that the chain has been interrupted."

"And yet, said suppliers haven't stopped supplying other locations," said Kate. "And that's why we think they don't care that we know they exist, because otherwise they'd have halted their activity."

"Paused it, at the very least." Hotch entered into the exchange. "I think Reid is right. And I think we're being sent a message, much as we were last fall. If this were a full scale biological attack, the entire vaccine supply would be at risk. As it is, with specific locations targeted, and an open defiance of our investigation, I think we can only conclude that they want us to know they're out there."

JJ spoke up for the first time in a long time. Reid had been concerned about her silence, and what it might mean. In spite of the sentiment she expressed, he was relieved that she'd finally entered the conversation.

"They want the _public_ to know they're out there. They think we'll have no choice but to alert the population at large. They want people to panic."

Kate was unconsciously rubbing her belly, a protective measure for the child within.

"Can you imagine? No one would feel safe. No child would _be_ safe. Parents would have to take a chance on their child dying of a preventable disease, or dying from a contaminated vaccine. Who could possibly make a decision like that?"

Rossi pushed back his chair in disgust. "Life was so much simpler when this job was just about hunting serial killers. _Them,_ I understand."

* * *

"You okay?" Reid placed a mug of tea on JJ's desk, knowing it to be her afternoon beverage of choice. "You've been pretty quiet."

She looked up from the file she'd been pretending to read. "Thanks." Taking a sip from the tea.

Reid recognized her stalling tactic, less from his experience as a profiler than from that of his long years of friendship with her. So he planted himself on the edge of her desk, and waited her out.

Realizing, she gave in. A little.

"I'm fine. Just tired, I guess. I've been peeking in on Henry a couple of times a night."

Which news concerned his godfather. "Is he having pain?" _Or nightmares?_

She shook her head in response and took another sip of tea. "He's been sleeping soundly every time. I don't even know why I'm checking on him. It's almost like when he was a baby."

 _Ah._ "If I recall, you told me that you checked on him three or four times every night, even though you had two different video cameras trained on his crib." He teased her with the memory.

"Stop! I wasn't that bad, was I?" She frowned for a moment. "Actually, I guess I was. It was just...I thought, _he_ had no choice in the matter. _I_ had brought him into the world, and I felt like _I_ had to be responsible for him."

He caught her eyes before replying. "And you still do. Maybe that's why you're taking this so hard. But it wasn't your fault, JJ. What could you have done?"

"I don't know. Maybe I could have put my foot down harder about him going hunting. But we were with Will's family, and I didn't want to make a scene about it. I didn't want to do that to _Will_. So, instead, I ended up doing something to _Henry_." Sounding disgusted with herself.

Considering the subject matter, Reid was torn about whether to speak or remain silent. But JJ was clearly distressed, and he didn't think she deserved to be berated, even if she _was_ doing it to herself. So he tread carefully, but he tread.

"It's true that something happened to Henry. But it's _not_ true that you are responsible for it. You tried to stop it. You just told me that. The only thing that's really important is that you were there when he needed you, after it happened. And pretty much every minute since. Am I right?"

He was, but she wasn't ready to concede. Shaking her head, she was still unhappy. "What does it matter that I was there after the fact? I didn't prevent it, and I should have."

He rubbed his face as he filtered through the thoughts in his head. JJ was obviously not the only person who could have prevented Henry's trauma. But it was best that he not go there. All he could really try to do was to help her alleviate her own portion of guilt. So he tried again.

"JJ, I know I'm not a parent, so maybe I have no right to say this. You can tell me to shut up if you like."

Waiting for permission to proceed. Her intense gaze granted it.

"I know that not every parent is the same. If you want proof, look at mine. But don't most of them want their children to grow up without a hint of sadness, or pain in their lives?"

"Of course-why would we want anything less?"

"You wouldn't. But you'd be pretty frustrated, right from the beginning. We all want things we can't have, both as parents and as kids. Life happens. Illness happens. Kids get hurt, parents get hurt. People leave, or die. No matter how badly you want to, you can't shield them from it."

JJ furiously blinked back the tears she refused to shed in the middle of the bullpen. Instead of reaching for a tissue, she dug deep to find her cynicism.

"So, what does that mean? That I should just throw up my arms and say, 'Sorry, kid, life's a bitch?'"

Silence greeted her comment as he waited for her to regain control. When he sensed she was ready, he answered her.

"Of course not. It just means that you can't protect him from everything, no matter how much you want to. God, JJ, don't you think I get it? I love him, too. And I was a little boy, once, with a mother who wanted desperately to protect me. Except that what she wanted to protect me from was…." Having to stop, as though assaulted by the very thought…..but then driven to continue, to help the people he loved. In nearly a whisper, he concluded, "What she wanted to protect me from was herself."

In almost any other circumstance, in virtually any other conversation, JJ would have reached out to him, recognizing the remnant of that needy young boy-turned-man. But she was simply too self-involved in this moment. All she could do was stare at him with pleading eyes.

"Spence…what are you trying to say? I don't understand." _Please make me understand._

Frustrated by the distance between them, he reached a long arm around her desk and pulled his chair over, so he could sit at her level, as closely as their wheeled platforms would allow.

"I'm saying that you _can't_ protect him from everything. Maybe you can't protect him from _anything_. I get that you want him to have the kind of life you didn't. I'm sure your parents wanted it for you. Doesn't _everyone_ want that for the children they love? You want it to be fun, and happy, and free of anything that makes the world a frightening place. But, look at what happens when you do that."

Still not quite sure where he was going, but trusting implicitly that she should go with him, she asked. "What?"

"Exactly what happened with Henry. You tried to protect him from scary things, and he invented a monster under the bed. You told him that people were nice, and one of his friends called him a name. You can't avoid it, JJ. It's out there. We talked about this, remember? It's even in the fairy tales we read to kids. Every story is about good and evil. Kids get that, very early in life. And they try, in their own ways, to prepare themselves for it. That's where the imaginary monsters come from, and why they all try to win battle with them."

"So, what? Life is scary and there's nothing we can do about it?" Sniffling in spite of herself.

"There _is_ something you can do about it. You can be there. You can teach him how to cope. You can show him that he's got someone by his side, doing battle right along with him. You can let him know that he's never going to be in it alone."

He could see her working on it, and was encouraged. " _That's_ what you've been doing for Henry all week. And, while even my incredible genius brain doesn't really understand how it works…." Waiting for her smile, and pleased when it came, "…..I think that he feels it when you check on him in the middle of the night, even if only in his dreams. I think it comforts him. I think it's why he sleeps so soundly."

Garnering just a little smile.

"So, my sweet, exhausted, friend…. go ahead and keep looking in on our little soldier. He knows you love him. It makes him stronger. In the end, that's all that's important."

He'd reached for her hands and squeezed them as he spoke, receiving the same in return.

JJ heaved a great sigh. "It may turn out to be the only wise thing I've done in my life, but I am so glad I asked you to be Henry's godfather."

"Not half as glad as I am."

"Seriously, Spence. My little boy couldn't be in better hands than yours…and Penelope's, of course. I am so grateful to have you, and my mom. If things work the way you say, then it's because of all of you that Henry has an entire army on his side."

It wasn't lost on the resident genius that there had been one notable omission among the troops. But he wasn't about to comment on it.

"Ready and willing to do battle at the command of our little general."

She chuckled at the ease with which she could picture Henry doing just that.

"You know, I think I'm kind of jealous of the kid who gets to have you for a dad someday, Spence. I might even be a little jealous of Henry."

Reid wasn't so sure about the possibilities of fatherhood, given his track record with romance. But it was something he longed for, and he appreciated the sentiment.

"No need to be jealous of Henry. I also gladly serve in the 'army of JJ'. Just say the word."

Her smile broadened. Reid had long since learned to categorize her smiles. They ran from 'storm-clouds ahead' to 'sunshine'. This one was still only 'partly cloudy'. But he would take it.

"I think you have already fulfilled that commitment, Dr. Reid. About a thousand times over."

He started rolling his chair back around the barrier as he promised her, "I'm always up for a thousand and one. Just so you know."

 _I do. And I might have to take you up on it._

She returned her eyes to the file in front of her, but her mind stayed with the conversation.

 _He's right. As much as we want to, we can't shield them from life. We can only try to keep them strong as they do battle with it. Remind them that there are more happy days than sad ones. More joy than sorrow._

 _But what happens when his fellow soldier betrays him?_ Thinking of the conversation she had with her mother two nights ago. _What happens to him when I'm the cause of the sorrow?_

With that thought, the guilt came crushing back, and JJ raised the folder to cover her face, so Spence wouldn't see.


	36. Chapter 36

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 36**

SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO POSTPONE?

Reid sent one final text before leaving his apartment on Saturday morning. Once he'd realized Will would be returning the night before the planned trip to the Air and Space Museum….and considering that JJ still seemed angry about her husband's having taken Henry hunting….he'd offered to reschedule.

"Maybe it's not the best time. And Henry's still got his arm in a cast."

She'd been adamant. "All the more reason to go, as far as I'm concerned. My poor little guy has had a tough week. Why not see if we can give him a little fun?"

 _His mother's had a pretty tough week, too_ , thought Reid. _And I have a feeling his father's week is about to get a little more difficult as well._

"Okay, if you say so. I'm up for it. Maybe I'll just check in with you in the morning, in case something comes up."

She'd known what he thought might 'come up', but hadn't had the energy to go there just then.

"Okay, if you want. Let's aim for ten, all right? We can pick up Toby on the way."

STILL ON.

The down side to handling the conversation through text message was that he couldn't hear her tone of voice. All he could tell was that her response had been curt. But that could have happened because she was busy, or distracted, or even if she was just coming back from her run. He would have to just show up as planned and hope for the best.

* * *

As he approached the house, Reid fully expected to be greeted by Henry once again. So he was surprised when the door swung open to reveal the figure of Will LaMontagne.

"Spencer." A heavy dose of New Orleans in the single word. It was how Will always distanced himself from JJ's friends.

"Hi, Will. Welcome back. I hope you had a good trip."

"My kid fell out of a damn tree and broke his arm. What the hell kind of a trip do you think I had?"

 _Not as bad a one as Henry did._ Reid realized he would have to tread lightly.

"Of course, I'm sorry. I only meant to ask if you enjoyed visiting your family. Until Henry was injured, that is."

Spencer Reid wasn't a violent man. But he was capable of delivering a good tongue lashing, when one was called for….such as now. Still, he didn't want to cause more trouble for JJ. So he swallowed his ire, and tried to look as though he was politely interested in Will's answer.

"They're in the kitchen."

While it was true that Will LaMontagne only tolerated Spencer Reid to humor his family, it was also true that he was usually much better at hiding his dislike. The man's overt rudeness this morning was out of character, and Reid could only wonder if there had been a blowup between husband and wife upon Will's return last night.

 _This is what I was afraid of. I really don't think this is a good idea. It will only rile him more. JJ doesn't need that right now. And neither does Henry._

But he was already here now, and he couldn't very well leave without at least talking to JJ. So he made his way to the kitchen, noting that Will hadn't decided to precede him there. Instead, he'd veered off in the direction of the master bedroom.

Reid found his best friend squatted down before her son, tying his sneakers. Even from the set of her shoulders, he could see she was upset.

"Hi, guys."

Both looked up at him, smiles coming to their faces. But _both_ faces still showing the tension.

Reid was even more concerned at the signal that Henry might have been witness to some arguing between his parents. And he empathized, from long memory.

"Hi, Uncle Spence." No exclamation point. Definitely not like Henry.

"Hey, Spence. Good timing. We're almost ready."

Reid tried to joke with them.

"Wow, Henry. All those shoe-tying lessons, and you have your mom doing it for you anyway. Does she know the 'magic-finger method'?"

It was something he'd completely made up, trying to motivate his under-motivated godson to let go of the Velcro. The idea of bow-tying being magical had proven enticing to the little boy, and Reid had been very proud of himself for having thought of it.

"Nope. Only magic guys know it." Beginning to smile.

JJ finished her task and looked up at the grin on her son's face, which brought out the smile on hers as well.

"Well, you, 'magic guys' will have to teach it to me some day. For now, little man, go grab your hoodie and we'll be on our way."

As soon as Henry left the kitchen, Reid turned back to JJ.

"Are you sure…" Keeping his voice down.

"It's better if we get out of the house for a little bit. It will do him good."

Reid narrowed his eyes in worry. "Are you okay?" Keeping it low.

All he got in reply was a roll of her eyes. Then Henry returned, hoodie in tow.

"I'm ready!"

JJ smiled down at her son. "So are we. Let's go. I'll just tell your dad we're leaving."

With a nod of her head, JJ indicated that Reid should take Henry out to the car. Silently, he obeyed, and ushered his godson down the front walk. At the car, he opened the trunk and pulled out the spare booster seat he always kept there.

"Mommy says we need to take the seat from our car. "

"What?" Reid's mind was on what was going on in the house.

"She says we need to take my booster from our car, so Toby can have one, too."

"Oh. Okay. We'll wait for your mom to get it then. How's your arm feeling, Henry?"

"It doesn't hurt any more, except when I bang it."

"Best not to bang it, then."

"That's what Mommy said."

"I'm not surprised. But I'll bet she didn't remember to tell you that banging it might throw off the mechanism in the webslinger."

Henry grinned. "Oh, yeah!"

Reid debated asking Henry about his father's homecoming. On the one hand, he wanted to know how the little boy he loved was dealing with what was almost certainly marital strife between his parents. But, on the other hand, it felt like prying into the private life of someone else he cared very deeply about.

 _She's told me things before. I'll just have to wait her out. If she wants to….or needs to….she'll tell me again._

But he was also cognizant that she'd shared some things with him only under the duress of a terrorist attack, and her own PTSD. Maybe she _wouldn't_ have told him, otherwise. Which might call for a change of strategy, this time…..

He was still pondering, and Henry was just beginning to get antsy, when JJ emerged from the house. She headed straight for her vehicle, making it difficult for Reid to see the expression on her face. When she emerged from the back seat, he thought he saw her swipe at her cheek, but then she simply closed the car door and brought over the additional booster seat.

Reid could tell she was trying to control her microexpressions….those things that had wrangled their way into their friendship once before. But he couldn't be sure if she was trying to hide her emotion from him, or from Henry….or both. What he _did_ know, was that it was not the time to push her. Not right now, anyway.

"All set?" A benign entry.

"All set." She gave Henry a forced grin. "You comfortable back there, little man? Did Uncle Spence help you get buckled in?"

"Yep."

JJ started Reid in the direction of Toby's house, which got Henry talking about his friend.

"Toby said he never went to the museum, Uncle Spence. He never saw the moon rocks, or the airplanes or anything."

"Wow…he must be pretty excited, then." Projected into the back seat.

To his companion in the front, he added, more softly, "I can't believe someone could live in DC and not bring their kids to the museums."

That brought a genuine smile from JJ. "Not everyone thinks the way you do, Spence. And, " turning her eyes back to the road, "I think his parents have been a little preoccupied, anyway."

Reid heard the subtext, and was highly suspicious it referred to more than one of the families represented in their little expedition today. But it would do no one any good to dwell on it now.

"Sounds like we're going to have to make sure that both of our little charges have a good time today, then."

"Amen to that."

* * *

Six hours later, two exhausted adults sat on a bench facing the Mall, while the two young boys ran off the sugar from their ice cream sundaes.

"Exactly how many questions do you think they asked, JJ? I lost count after four thousand."

She laughed. "Well, you always tell Henry that it's good to be curious. You've just never been double-teamed before."

He tried to suppress a yawn. "I was actually grateful we went into the IMAX, because I thought it would give me a little break."

"Ha. Little did you suspect…"

It had just created a new volley of questions, some about the subject matter of the film, and many more about how the whole IMAX experience was created.

"I think you might have a little filmmaker on your hands. Or maybe a pilot. Or an astronaut."

" _Or_ a professional soccer player, or a cop….or a profiler."

Reid startled at that. "He said that?"

"You remember when he wanted to dress up as you for Halloween? That night, he told me he wanted to be just like his Uncle Spence when he grew up."

It was Reid's turn to laugh. "You mean weird, and skinny, and smart?"

She patted his knee. "Stop! He doesn't think that about you!"

The boys were still actively chasing each other all over the grass, shrieking and giggling, and drawing the adults' eyes to them once again.

Reid stared for a long moment, caught up in thought, before asking, "What _does_ he think of me, JJ?"

She turned, taking in the familiar profile. And seeing the all-too-familiar longing there.

"He loves you, Spence. He thinks of you as a member of his family, who loves him to pieces and who gives him your undivided attention, as often as you can."

He flashed her a sideways glance before looking back out at the boys. "He's worth every minute."

She offered the same encouragement she always offered.

"Not that I begrudge you any time with Henry, because, God knows, I don't. But I hear you saying something else, too, Spence. And you know we've talked about this. It's not too late. I really, really believe this…..that you'll have a little boy or girl of your own one day. And you'll be able to come home to them every night….well, as often as the job allows."

Which reminded Reid that there was something very important he had yet to share with his best friend. He'd been so focused on what might have been going on in _her_ relationship that he'd almost forgotten about his own, now-defunct one.

"Um…. There might be something I forgot to tell you about."

Immediately, she jumped to the wrong conclusion. She turned on the bench and faced him, leaning forward with excitement.

"Do you have news? Did you and Stephanie….. " Looking instinctively at the fingers of his left hand, frustrated that rings weren't customarily exchanged in both directions. "Spence…give!"

"It's not like that, JJ. Not like that at all."

Some of the energy left her as she flopped back against the seat. "Well, what, then?"

He took a breath. "Well, you know that trip that Steph was going to take to China?"

"Yes…isn't she going?"

"Oh, yeah, she's going, all right. And then she's going to Europe, and maybe to Africa, and…"

The blonde brows had gone up. "That's a worse schedule than _ours_ is, if you're trying to build a relationship."

He nodded. "Exactly. We know that. So, we're not going to. Build a relationship, that is."

Choosing not to get into all of the details. _Maybe later. Maybe never._

It took a few seconds to sink in. "Are you saying..." Once it did, she was immediately sympathetic.

"Oh, Spence, I'm so sorry! Oh, wow. I thought…I really thought….. when did this happen?"

Still trying to wrap her mind around it. She couldn't quite picture Stephanie rejecting Spence, nor the converse.

 _But maybe he's just been more private about it than I thought. Maybe there's been trouble, and I just didn't notice, because I was too blinded by my own relationship problems._

He responded to her question. "Last week. While you were away."

"Oh, my gosh. Why didn't you tell me? Are you okay?"

He seemed unexpectedly calm about the whole thing.

He shrugged. "Yeah, I think I'm okay. Just a little….weird, I guess."

"What does _that_ mean?"

"I don't _know_. That's part of it. I'd gotten used to us doing things together, and having something to look forward to now and then. I miss that. And she really is a great person. But…. I don't know. For some reason, I'm okay with it being over."

JJ studied Reid for a long time and then threw her gaze into the distance, somehow hoping that the visual change in perspective would seep its way into her thought process.

 _He could almost be describing my relationship with Will. Except that the things we do together involve our child, and neither of us is always a great person. But, if I'm honest with myself….really, JJ, why start now?... I think I might be relieved for it to be over._

Reid mistook her silence. Either that, or he was trying to distract her.

"I hope you're not disappointed. I know it was kind of your doing."

"Huh? What? Oh, you mean the ad. Should I apologize for that again…..I mean, now, considering…"

"You've apologized for it enough, and really, there was never a need. Steph was great. She _is_ great. I'm hoping we'll still be friends."

"How does _she_ feel about that?"

"The same way."

JJ was quiet for another moment. Then, "Maybe you just weren't ready yet. I should have let you decide when it was time. I'm sorry that I didn't."

He took her hand and squeezed it. "I don't know that I would ever have gotten there on my own, so I need to thank you for what you did, not be angry with you. Maybe it was always going to go this way with the first relationship after Maeve. Maybe it was inevitable."

"First?" She'd picked up on it immediately.

"Huh?"

"You said 'the first relationship after Maeve'. Does that mean you can see yourself having another one now?" Relieved at this first overt sign that he didn't intend to isolate himself for the rest of his life.

Flustered, he could only acknowledge that he'd said it. "I guess. I didn't even realize…."

JJ gave him a sly grin. "Should I put up another profile?"

Before he could answer, the boys ran back toward them.

"Mom, Toby's having pizza at his house tonight! Can I stay for dinner when we bring him back? Please, Mom? Please?"

"Yeah, please, Mrs. L, can Henry stay?"

"You guys just finished ice cream sundaes, how are you even thinking about dinner?"

"Mom, it's _pizza_!"

Reid stood up and positioned himself behind the two young plaintiffs, mimicking a position of prayer. Laughing, JJ had to concede.

"All right. But it needs to be an early night, young man. I'll pick you up at seven."

* * *

Having dropped the two boys off at Toby's, Reid pulled away from the curb.

"Was it a surprise to his parents that he invited Henry to dinner?" He'd stayed in the car while JJ had taken the boys to the house.

"It was only his dad. His mother explained it to me, right before we left on the case. Do you remember me telling you I was watching Toby one night a week so his parents could see a counselor?"

"That was the night you ended up having to leave both boys with Will, because we got called out, right?"

"Hmph. Right. Well, they've come up with this arrangement. It sounds a little crazy to me, but I guess there is some sense to it. They've decided to divorce, apparently, but they're both worried about Toby. So this counselor they've been seeing suggested that they share custody by keeping _Toby_ in a stable place, which means that the adults have to move in and out of the house for a week at a time."

"Hmm….I guess it _does_ make some convoluted sense. The child doesn't have to undergo the physical disruption. It can just be like one parent is traveling for a week at a time. But I can imagine there would be some legal complexity to the housing arrangement."

She didn't respond to him, and remained quiet for several blocks. In almost any other circumstance, Reid wouldn't have hesitated to ask her what was on her mind. But, this time, he thought he knew what it was. Or _who_ it was. And that made things much more complicated.

So he decided on an indirect route to her thoughts.

"So, your mom went back to her place?" Leaving the door wide open, and hoping she would step through it.

"She did." A few hesitant seconds later, she added, "But not until after we'd had a good, long talk."

A toe over the threshhold. He flashed her a supportive look. "Good. I'm glad."

Another block passed. "You were right, you know."

"About what?"

"There was nothing I could say to her that would make her think less of me. And, believe me, I tried."

All the way through the door now. Reid chanced a longer look at his passenger.

"Do… do you want to talk?" Then, fearful he'd overstepped, or misread, or somehow gotten the wrong message, he gave her an out. "I mean, we don't have to. Just.. if you want to….we can."

She sighed, a sad smile on her face. "I don't know that I have that much talking left in me, honestly. But there _is_ something I should tell you."

"Should I pull over?"

"Hmph. Yeah, I don't think this is moving-car-worthy."

He pulled into the parking lot of a small convenience store and shut off the engine. Then turned and looked at her in silence.

She blew out through pursed lips. "Okay. Well. I don't even know where to start. But….well, the ending is the ending. Which is what this is….."

She seemed to have fallen into reverie, talking mostly to herself.

"JJ?"

Almost startled to be brought out of it.

"Oh, sorry. I should just get it over with,right?"

He reached across the seat and gave her shoulder an encouraging squeeze.

"You know I'm like your mother in this, don't you? There is nothing you can ever say to me that will make me think less of you."

Which brought an immediate glut of moisture to her eyes.

"I do know that," reaching up and patting the hand on her shoulder. "I'm just… I'm a little bit of a mess right now, even though I'm sure I'm doing the right thing."

Knowing, now, but asking anyway. "What is it that you're doing?"

She sniffed. "I told Will that I can't see our marriage working. We've struggled for so long, and things just keep getting worse. I told him that I think we should get a divorce."

He said nothing. Just continued holding on to her shoulder. JJ looked directly at him.

"You're not surprised, are you?"

He broke eye contact.

"I'm not sure what to say here, JJ. I mean, my best friend in all the world has been unhappy for a very long time. So, no, I guess I'm not surprised. But I can feel how disappointed you are, and I'm sorry about that."

"I'm disappointed in _myself,_ Spence. I've made a mess of things. I can't entirely blame Will. I should never have said 'yes' in the first place. We both would have been better off. But…Henry….oh, God, Spence, the last thing in the world I would ever want to do….. _ever_ ….is to hurt Henry. But…now…"

Reid took the time to choose his words carefully. "It _will_ affect Henry." Seeing her look of surprise at the confirmation, he was quick to explain. "It will mean a change in the way he's accustomed to living his life. It may hurt him for a while, it may make him sad. Most likely, he'll be confused. But, take it from a child of divorce, JJ….. sometimes divorce means the _end_ of the bad time."

"What do you mean?"

"Henry's got great empathy. There's no way he hasn't picked up on the tension between you and Will, and on the fact that you're unhappy. He'll find a way to understand that this is how you are trying to make things better."

Grateful smile through tears. "Do you really think so?"

"I know my godson. I _know_ so." Changing the subject a bit. "So, your mom was okay with it?"

"She's my mom. She loves me. She's on my side, no matter what." Summarizing what Sandy had said.

 _And so am I._ He grinned. "Told you so." Then, wondering, "So, Will is obviously still there. Is there a plan? Are you going to do what Toby's parents are doing?"

She sighed, shaking her head. "Well, there's one little problem with that. Or a big one, I guess."

"What?"

"It seems that Will was quite busy during those extra few days in New Orleans. He interviewed for his old job. And he put down a deposit on a townhouse. Apparently he even looked into the school system."

Reid's eyes had gone wide. "Wow. Without talking to you about it? Was he planning to move there on his own?" Maybe the idea of divorce hadn't been all that one-sided.

"Oh, no, I don't think so. Because he also took the liberty of talking to somebody at the branch office of the Bureau. Seems he thought they might be able to use a liaison."


	37. Chapter 37

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 37**

"He…." It was so absurd that it took even his mighty brain a second to process it. "He did _what_?!"

"He said he'd 'stopped by' the field office in New Orleans, and told them that his wife was an agent with the Behavioral Analysis Unit, and that we were thinking of relocating. He said they were pretty excited at the prospect."

"But… can….is that even possible?" Genius Reid was having trouble forming his words.

"What, the transfer?"

At his nod, she shrugged. "Who knows? People can certainly apply for specific positions within the Bureau. And I would guess that some consideration is given to keeping couples together. But it didn't even make sense, anyway. Will said he'd mentioned the BAU, because he thought they would be impressed, but then he highlighted my liaison skills, because he thinks there would be less travel involved."

"But…." Still having trouble. "How…"

"I don't know how, and I don't plan to find out." She shuddered the thought away. "This is exactly what I mean, Spence. He doesn't even see what was wrong with this. He got it into his head that all of our problems would go happily away if we moved to New Orleans and adopted the laid back way of life. He was so convinced, that he _assumed_ I'd agree. Believe it or not, I think he actually expected me to thank him for trying to get me a job down there."

Reid had to take a few deep breaths of his own. The momentary prospect of JJ relocating a thousand miles away had gotten his heart pounding.

"But you told him 'no'….right?"

"I told him 'no, and a lot of other things, as well."

She'd already said that she didn't have the energy to go through it all, and she was beginning to look as exhausted as she sounded. So he didn't push her.

"I'm sorry, JJ." Squeezing her shoulder once again. "I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish it didn't have to be so painful."

She tilted her head to the side, laying it on his hand. He reflexively turned it palm up, and cupped her cheek.

"That makes two of us. Three, if you count Will."

He narrowed his eyes at that. " _Are_ we counting Will?"

She could only shrug. "The pain is there. But, right now, it's the anger that's coming out. You saw him this morning. Compared to last night, he was practically sunny."

Her statement raised a new concern for Reid.

"Did Henry hear?"

JJ's laugh was bitter. "Believe it or not, I think we've mastered the art of yelling at a whisper. We've certainly had enough practice at it. So, no, I don't think Henry heard."

Reid thought back to his arrival at the home this morning. "He may not have heard you, but I think he picked up on the tension. I noticed it this morning. He wasn't himself."

JJ looked away, through the windshield. "I saw it, but I couldn't be sure how much of it was me, projecting my own emotion on him. If you noticed it too, then I guess it was real." Tears welled up again. "So much for not wanting to hurt him."

They sat quietly for a moment, each thinking of the little boy they both loved so much. Eventually, Reid broke the silence.

"I suppose there will be many times in his life that you won't be able to prevent Henry from being hurt. What's important is that he knows you're there for him, whenever it happens. That he knows there's always a safe place for him to be, and someone who loves him."

Remembering his boyhood self, who _hadn't_ always had such sanctuary.

She sniffed back the tears she wouldn't let fall. "I just never wanted to be the one who caused the pain."

"You're not, JJ. It's the situation you're in that's causing it. Henry may not be able to understand that right now, but he will, one day. It doesn't have to cause a rift between you. And not with Will, either. Even if you're not together, you can both be there for him. You can both be involved in his life, right?"

"I'm not sure Will sees that, yet. Maybe he just needs time to calm down. It hasn't even been a day."

Reid tried to encourage her. "That's right. This is new to both of you."

She sighed. "I hope that's it. I hope he's had a chance to think a little more today. But, please God, I hope he doesn't want to talk about it tonight. I'm absolutely exhausted. I don't have any fight in me."

He was worried about both her physical and emotional conditions, and knew they were each influencing the other. But he didn't know how to help.

"Maybe he's tired, too. Maybe you can call a truce for tonight."

Then another concerning, thought struck him.

"You'll be okay, won't you? I mean, if he's angry…."

Will LaMontagne had never shown a violent side, but they'd both seen cases where rejection had triggered strong emotion. And there were at least two law enforcement guns in the home.

She acknowledged his concern with a sad smile. "I'm not worried about that. I can read him pretty well after all this time. He was as sad as he was angry. It's just that the anger was the part that got vocalized."

"Still…"

JJ straightened in her seat, a signal that they should get going. As she did, she patted Reid's thigh in thanks. "I appreciate that you're worried about us, Spence. But we'll be okay. I just want us to get through this part of it. We need to figure out what comes next."

Reid started the car and backed out of their parking space. "Do you think he would still consider moving to New Orleans, if he knows you're not coming with him?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I have to admit that he _was_ different down there… more like the guy I remember...you know, from the beginning. Maybe I just didn't realize how much it had changed him, being up here in DC. Maybe this _is_ all my fault."

He flashed a look in her direction.

"Or _maybe_ …. maybe there _is_ no fault. Maybe you're just two people who couldn't find a middle ground, even though you tried."

She was quiet for a few blocks. "I'd like to think that, I guess. That neither of us is at fault. But, mostly, I think that we _both_ are. Because we _did_ find a middle ground. And we're hurting him."

* * *

Reluctantly, he'd dropped her off from the street. As much as he knew he should stay out of it, part of him wanted to walk her inside, to assess the state of Will's mood. He would have felt better if he could have been assured that emotional rancor was not filling the air.

But, as she'd reminded him, she was an FBI agent. "I can take care of myself, Spence."

"I know. Sorry."

 _But you've also never gone up against someone you care about. What if he takes advantage?_ Which thought he could never speak aloud. But he _could_ make a request. Which he had, as she was leaving the car.

"When you get back with Henry, can you just text me, or something? Just an 'OK'?"

She'd leaned back in to answer. "I'll have Henry call you to say good night, and 'thank you' for the museum. How's that?"

He'd grinned. "Perfect."

#######

Not so perfect, however, was the fact that it was now after nine, and there had been neither call nor text. And he couldn't very well reach out to JJ without adding fuel to the fire.

 _Maybe Henry is just staying up late, because it's not a school night. Or maybe she forgot. Or maybe…_

He couldn't quite bring himself to envision the rest of the 'maybe's. So he did his best to immerse himself in a book, but had a great deal of difficulty sticking with it. His mind simply wouldn't settle.

 _There's definitely something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just determined not to be happy. Here I had this beautiful, talented woman in my life, and yet I was always longing for a night like this, when I could sit and read in peace and quiet. And now, she's gone, and I have the time….and God knows I have the space….and I can't concentrate. Because I'm too worried about how someone_ else's _relationship is ending._

He knew it didn't make sense. And he knew that, technically, it was none of his business. But he couldn't help it. Two of the most important people in his life would be affected by this particular breakup, and he was feeling protective of them.

He was startled out of his reverie by the buzzing of his phone. A quick glance at the screen, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hi."

"Hi, Uncle Spence. Mama let me call you, 'cause I said prayers, and she forgot. Thank you for the m'seum…and the ice cream!" Gradually drumming up some Henry-like enthusiasm.

"You're very welcome, Henry. It was my pleasure. Did you have a good time at Toby's house?"

"Yep. We had pizza and we watched 'Transformers'. It was cool!"

"Great. Well, if you've already said your prayers, I'm guessing it's bedtime. Am I right?"

"Yep."

"Well, then, I'll say good night. I love you, Henry."

"I love you, too, Uncle Spence."

"Henry, is your mom there?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Can I speak to her, please?"

He could hear the muffled sound of the phone scraping across a bedsheet, and Henry's, "Mama, Uncle Spence wants to talk to you."

"Hi, Spence."

Her voice was too husky for his liking.

"Are you all right?"

A beat too long. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

Not okay. "JJ, is everything all right there?" Insistent. "Are you and Henry safe? Should I come over? Just say 'yes' or 'no', if you can't talk."

"No, no, it's nothing like that. We're okay. I'll call tomorrow, I promise."

He still didn't like it, but he couldn't see that he had any choice. She hadn't explained why she wouldn't …..or couldn't… talk to him tonight. It could be that she didn't want to give Will any reason to be more upset with her or their situation. Or it could be as simple as the exhaustion she'd claimed earlier. He could only hope that she was being honest with him about their being safe.

"All right, if that's how it has to be. But you know you can call me, or text me, or….whatever….any time, day or night, and I'll come running. Right?"

He thought he heard a smile in her response. "Right. I do know. And thanks. For that, and for today. Henry really had a great time. Thanks for all of it." Including the part she couldn't mention aloud.

"I had a great time too. It was cool to see the museum through younger eyes again. And I enjoyed being able to talk with my best friend. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Too long."

There had been many conversations, of course. But the kind of deep sharing they'd once done had been deliberately put aside while JJ had made her prolonged, sincere effort to save her marriage.

"Well, I'm glad we finally got back to it. Even if the subject matter was tough. There have to be better times ahead. All we have to do is get there."

"You make it sound so simple."

"Simple? Maybe. Sometimes it can be as simple as putting one foot in front of the other." He should know. It was what he'd done for several years after losing Maeve... and after each of the other crises of his life. "But easy? No. Which is why it's good to have a friend to walk with."

"Truer words, Spence." A quiver in her voice. He heard her clear her throat before speaking again, and effectively ending the conversation. "Your godson has fallen sound asleep in the space of these last few minutes. I'm headed off to do the same. I really will call you tomorrow. And don't worry."

"Can't help it."

"Truth? It makes me feel good that you do. But you don't need to do it tonight, I promise. Thanks again, Spence. Good night."

"Good night, JJ. Sleep well."

"You, too."

He closed the call, and sat still in his reading chair, the book laid open on his lap, the words stubbornly refusing to penetrate his preoccupied thoughts.

Mostly, he was thinking about phone calls. About the remarkable emotional effects of the human voice transmitted across distances both great and small.

 _Sometimes we're separated by geography, sometimes by circumstance. And sometimes, no matter how little the distance, the space between us can feel so wide, the chasm, so deep. Like things that can never be bridged._

This call with JJ had brought him back several years, to that series of calls he'd exchanged with a woman he'd never met. He'd fallen in love through those phone calls. He'd been told _he_ was loved. He'd teased, and joked, and philosophized. And then he'd become concerned, and then frightened, and then frantic.

He'd known there was something wrong, even beyond what Maeve had shared with him. He'd begged to be allowed to help her. He'd supported her, tried to look out for her. And then, that one day, the phone call had turned deadly, in the space of a single word, 'zugzwang'.

 _Am I there again? Is there no move I can make? Do I leave her alone, and hope for the best? Do I insert myself into the middle of it, even if I'm not invited, and maybe make things worse?_

Tonight's phone call had spun his emotions wildly. There had been relief, at the fact of it, the contact. Concern for Henry's use of 'Mama', and the absence of his omnipresent enthusiasm. Worry bordering on fear, when JJ tried to end the call abruptly, relief that she'd assured him they were safe, and then that great sense of warmth that always accompanied any reminder of how much they cared for one another.

Now, it was the warmth that lingered…..along with the concern.

 _It's really only in domestic violence situations where the danger increases with talk of separation or divorce. Will's never been violent, that I know of. So, I shouldn't really worry, right? And, as JJ said, she's an FBI agent. I go into battle right beside her all the time. I should know she can take care of herself. And I do know that she'd do anything to protect Henry._

Which was part of what concerned him. Even if they weren't in any physical danger, there was no telling how Will would respond to the situation emotionally…..or legally. He'd shown his thin skin when he'd failed to tell JJ how her life had been saved by Reid after the terrorist attack. He'd manipulated her social life any number of times. There was no reason to believe he wouldn't try the same again, now. But the stakes were oh, so much higher.

 _He could fight her for custody. He could try to take Henry away from her, because her job takes her away so much. And, God forbid, he just might go ahead and move to New Orleans, to make sure she never gets to see her son. Unless…._

Unless such a move forced JJ to move as well, If Will took custody of Henry, it would almost certainly force JJ to relocate. Reid knew she couldn't live her life without her son. Neither, he'd long since concluded, could he.

Reid knew they were entering uncharted territory. Will had kept too much distance between them for Reid to be able to predict, with any certainty, how he would react. Ostensibly, he was a caring parent, one who would never use his son as a bargaining chip in the breakup of his marriage. Ostensibly.

It all left him with a sense of unease that he couldn't shake. So he did what he'd done on so many other such evenings in the past…..evenings when he'd mused about his inability to help the other woman he'd loved. He rose, and brought his chessboard over to the table beside his reading chair. Studying it, he made a move, then closed his eyes as he pondered the parry of his absent opponent. He spent the night this way, dozing on and off, waking now and then to maneuver a chess piece or two about the board.

Reid saw the game as an intellectual diversion from the problem at hand, this pseudo-conflict among the wooden kings and queens and knights who inhabited his chessboard.

The game, apparently, saw it differently. It penetrated his dreams throughout the night. As did Queen JJ and King Henry. In his dream, both were in danger, and he could see that the queen was ready to sacrifice herself for the king. But Sir Spencer couldn't have that. He would willingly give himself for both of them. He just needed to figure out how.

* * *

 ** _A.N. To all those celebrating the day tomorrow-Happy Thanksgiving! And, celebrating or not, may we all find something for which to give thanks._**


	38. Chapter 38

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 38**

Spencer Reid was better at waiting than were most other people. The vast store of information in his head always gave him plenty of material for pondering, and wondering, and working out things that puzzled him. He never lacked for a source of amusement.

Except when he was worried. Then, despite the incredible array open to them, his thoughts seemed to wind up in the same loop, over and over again. Today, that loop ran a ring around JJ, and Henry, and the fact that he had yet to receive that promised phone call.

 _I should just call her. Or text, maybe. That way, she can see it even if she can't answer the phone. But how will I know she's seen it? Better to call, and know one way or the other. Unless things are tense. Then it might set Will off._

He'd managed to convince himself that there was no real physical danger to the people he loved, but he knew there could be emotional fallout for both of them if Will LaMontagne blew a gasket. Reid definitely didn't want to find out he'd precipitated something like that.

 _Is there another reason I could call? Maybe one of them dropped something in the car, and I could return it._

A quick survey of the vehicle told him he was out of luck. If there was to be another reason for him to call, he was going to have to invent it. He'd just begun thinking about his options, when the task became moot. His pocket was buzzing.

"JJ?" He'd barely looked at the screen before answering.

"Hi, Spence." If it was possible to fill two words with world weariness, JJ had just done so.

"Are you all okay? Is Henry all right?"

He heard her expel a long sigh before answering.

"JJ?"

"I'm here. I'm thinking about how to answer you. Because there's 'okay', and then there's 'okay'."

He squinted at the phone, wishing she'd chosen a video call.

"Can you speak freely?" 'Yes' or 'no' would do.

"Yes. I'm alone right now. Henry is out with Will."

"Out _where_ with Will?"

Not all that happy to hear it, then feeling guilty about his reaction. Will was, after all, Henry's father.

"Will took him out to see his new place."

Will's new place. Apparently quite a bit had happened since yesterday. No wonder she sounded exhausted.

"He's moving out?"

"Yes. Thank God. Last night, I couldn't have told you which of us would be going. But he finally got some sense into his head."

"What do you mean?"

"How much time do you have?"

"As much as you need. Go ahead."

"All right. Well. I guess I may as well start with when you dropped me off last evening. Will was home when I went inside-you remember, we knew that, his car was in the driveway."

"Yes." Tensing, even as he waited for her to tell it.

"Well, he was…..I don't know quite how to put it….I guess he was just remarkably calm, considering how he'd been in the morning."

"He had time to think it over."

"Oh, yeah, he'd thought it over, all right. But what he came up with was that, since I was the one who thought we should be apart, I could leave the house, and he would stay here, with Henry."

Reid was shocked, although he realized he shouldn't have been. It was a logical conclusion, considering how Will's thought processes worked.

"I take it you talked him out of it."

"Just barely. But I think Will could tell that there was absolutely no way that I was going to leave Henry when he's been so traumatized. And Will had the grace to feel bad about the whole hunting thing and how it turned out. So he conceded that Henry should be with me. In the end, no matter how we are as husband and wife, we both love our son."

Reid could only think back on how it had been for him as a boy, when he hadn't been able to count on the love of both parents. When, at times, he hadn't even been able to count on the love of one of them. And he was grateful that things were different for Henry.

"Thank goodness for that. So, he's already found a place?"

"A furnished one bedroom, near his precinct. He figured it might as well be convenient to work, if he had to move anyway. He looked at a studio, but he wanted to make sure he had room for Henry."

"Henry?"

"Yeah. Well, I couldn't very well deny him the right to have Henry visit. So, we'll split the weekends, but Henry will be with me Monday through Friday."

"What about…."

He didn't have to finish. She knew what he was asking about.

"He'll come here, or my mom will. One of them will be with Henry when we're away."

It all sounded remarkably civilized, especially considering they were only two days into the separation. Which raised Reid's antennae. But he chose not to remark on that aspect just now. JJ seemed calm, and he didn't want her upset again. Not until, or unless, it was necessary.

"So….are you okay with all of it?"

"I kind of have to be, don't I? It was my idea."

Knowing there would be rough times ahead, no matter how cooperative Will was, Reid didn't want her assuming the full responsibility.

"You only did what you had to, JJ. As you told me yesterday, it was a long time coming. Please don't be hard on yourself."

"I'm just speaking the truth, Spence."

"And so am I. You had me kind of worried last night, you know. Was it rough?"

Still feeling awkward, because the very question felt intrusive. If he'd been less worried, he'd have held back.

Another big sigh preceded JJ's answer. "When I was on the phone with you, we hadn't spoken about anything but getting Henry to bed." Omitting the 'discussion' about how she'd obviously been alone with Reid before coming home. "But I could tell it was coming. I'd really hoped not to get into it, because I was exhausted. But Will wouldn't let it sit. So I knew we would be having it out after Henry went to sleep."

"Did he hear?"

"I think he heard a little. I told you we were pretty good at arguing in a whisper. But…well…."

"JJ, it didn't get…"

"No. Really, Spence, I love you for worrying, but I feel perfectly safe with Will. My _feelings_ …even my eardrums….might get hurt. But he'd never physically hurt either Henry or me. I'm sure of it."

Reid took a moment to organize his words. "I trust your judgment, and, to tell you the truth, I agree with you. But I also know that people sometimes behave in unexpected ways when they're stressed. So, I just want you to know that, if you need to, you can call me, or tell me, and I won't judge or blame." _I'll just come._ "And now, I won't mention it again."

"Hmph. Stephanie's crazy, you know that?"

He was thrown by the non-sequitur. "Huh?"

"She just walked away from the most chivalrous guy in the world."

"It's not chivalry. You're my best friend, and I care about you."

Her next words were just a little bit choked. "I know you do. And I count on it. Thank you, Spence."

"And, for the record, we both walked away. Both Steph and me." Not waiting for a response, he shifted gears back to the issue at hand. "How is Henry? What does he understand?"

Now her voice quivered. "He's quiet."

Even without elaboration, the words spoke volumes. Because, if there was anything Henry LaMontagne _wasn't_ , it was 'quiet'.

Reid's eyes closed in sympathy, as he conjured up an image of the little boy he loved so much.

"What do you think he understands?" Asking again.

She sniffled. "We both told him together…..Will agreed with me on that. We didn't want him feeling like he had to take a side, so we made sure we gave him the same message."

While still not a fan of Will LaMontagne, Reid had to appreciate his willingness to cooperate with his wife, for the sake of his son.

 _Maybe this won't be as acrimonious as I feared._

JJ continued. "So we told him that, sometimes, mommies and daddies get along better when they don't live in the same house. That they're better friends if they can each spend some time by themselves."

"Did he accept that?"

She sighed. "Sometimes I think he's wiser than all of us put together. A profiler, for sure. Do you know what he said?"

"What?"

"He asked me if that meant I would start smiling again."

Ouch. "He noticed?"

"He said I used to smile all the time, but now I never do. And he said the same thing about Will." Her degree of upset was evident in her tone.

"I'm sorry, JJ. I know you never meant to show it to him."

"Oh, God, Spence. There's so much I would take back, if only I could. So many bad decisions, so many unkind words. I'd give anything if I could have given Henry a happier home."

"You did the best you could. And you weren't in it alone. You didn't have control over everything."

 _Or everyone._

"But it wasn't good enough, was it? I wasn't good enough for my son."

The sob that she couldn't restrain sounded clearly through the connection. Reid's heart broke for her. He knew there was no comfort to be found in the moment. This was something she _had_ to go through. It was something they _all_ had to go through.

She still hadn't quite collected herself, so he filled the silence.

"He'll be okay, JJ. Henry is strong. He takes after his mother."

"Hah!" Sarcasm dripping through the three letters.

"I'm right about this. He's strong, and he's smart. And he's empathetic. Didn't you just tell me how he noticed you'd lost your smile? On some level, he knows why. And he knows what has to happen. It doesn't mean it will be easy for him, but…..I can only ask you to trust me on this….. the fact that he understands, even if it's just on a gut level….it will help him. He'll get it. And he'll get through."

In his own mind, Reid held himself up as the example of survival. But a quick assessment of the state of his life made him wonder if that was a good thing.

"Oh, God, Spence, I hope you're right. I just…. I feel like I'm the cause of it….of _all_ of it….because I started the separation."

He wasn't having it.

"JJ, please don't be thinking that way. You may have gotten there _first_ , but Will would have eventually seen where things were going. You may have been the first one to say the words, but you didn't set this in motion."

Even as he finished speaking, Reid regretted having done so. He'd resolved not to get in the middle of it, not to express anything except support for his best friend, not to cast aspersions on her husband. For a host of reasons, he knew that was how it _had_ to be. And yet, he'd just skirted that resolve. But what else could he do, when she was in such pain?

"I so want to believe you're right."

"Then do." Sensing that she needed to be nudged from her current mindset, he tried to focus her on action. "So, what happens next?"

"Well, tomorrow I need to find a good lawyer. I know Hotch didn't use one, but he's got to know a few good people, right?"

"That's a good idea…..you should definitely talk to Hotch. And, JJ….this is a hard thing you're going through. It would be understandable if you needed some time. Maybe you should talk to Hotch about that, too."

"Oh, no. Uh-uh. Not me. All I would do is sit and ruminate about everything. I'd much rather be working."

It was one of the biggest differences between them. Reid couldn't let go of something until he'd mentally examined it from every conceivable aspect, both inside and out. It was why he'd been unable to work after Maeve's death. He'd searched endlessly for answers to the unanswerable, until he'd begun to wonder if one could actually _die_ of rumination.

JJ was much more practical, and physical. He knew she would pound out her guilt and frustration on the asphalt, and then shut it way in the smallest possible compartment of her psyche, so she could pretend to concentrate on work. But Reid also knew that things had a way of escaping such compartments, often explosively. He'd seen it after the terrorist attack, on that first night they'd spent in the hospital. She'd been shaken to the point where her PTSD had escaped its confinement, and he'd had to literally hold her together, to make it through the night.

That memory brought another one with it, one which Reid tried to push quickly away, lest he become mired in it. For it was in his arms that night that she'd first begun to shiver, and shake, heralding the illness that had nearly taken her life.

She couldn't see the sad, knowing smile on his face as he spoke. Her choice on how to handle this would come back to hurt her. He knew that. But all he could do was to vow to himself to be there when it happened.

"All right, my friend, do it your way. But it will be all right to change your mind, if you need to."

"I won't. But thanks, anyway. Oh….they're back. I'd better go. Thanks for listening, Spence."

"You know I always will."

"Yeah….there's not a _lot_ I know right now….but I _do_ know that."

"Give Henry an extra hug for me, okay?"

"Will do. See you tomorrow."

The call had served to calm Reid's worry about the physical safety of JJ and Henry. But it had done nothing to squelch his concern for their emotional well-being. Feeling too unsettled to read…..and remembering his neglect of his physical therapy regimen…..Reid decided to take a page from JJ's book. He changed into some running shoes…..just in case…and went outside to pound the pavement in his own way.

* * *

A summons from Hotch saw the team assembled around the table a full two hours earlier than usual on Monday morning. Under Reid's careful scrutiny, JJ looked far more exhausted than could be accounted for by the early rousal.

 _I'll bet she didn't sleep at all last night._

Even after his usual Sunday afternoon walk had turned into a run…and a long one, at that…Reid had found sleep elusive last night as well.

 _And It's not my marriage that's coming apart. And not my son who might be hurt by it._

But it _was_ his godson. And it was his best friend who was suffering. And that had been enough to keep his mind running in circles. Still, he'd finally fallen off, and gotten a few hours. But it looked like JJ hadn't had that luxury.

He managed to catch her eye long enough to offer a look of support, and received one of gratitude in return. Then Hotch arrived, with Sid Hirsch in tow.

"Good morning. You all remember Sid."

Murmured greetings all around, and a handshake from Rossi. The two had bonded during the terrorist case last fall.

Hotch resumed. "There's been a break in the case. Reid, it looks like your algorithm worked. Two of the three nexus sites have scanned positive for the radioactive tag Kimura added to the contaminant."

Rossi let out a low whistle. "Two out of three-that's our genius!"

Hirsch smiled at the show of pride. "Well, yes. But DHS would like him to be _our_ genius for a bit, as well." He directed his gaze to Reid. "We think you're correct in your assessment of the vaccine contamination being a message. Obviously, there has to be some in-country involvement. But we can't be sure it's entirely domestic. We'd like to have you look at some of our communications surveillance and give us your take on it."

Morgan spoke before Reid had a chance to respond, directing his words to Hotch. "Don't we need him to keep developing the algorithm? I understood that, as the vaccine starts getting distributed from the nexus points, the radioactive tag will become too dim to read. Is that right?"

Reid answered Morgan's question without addressing Hirsch's proposal.

"That's right. The next step would be distribution to the individual state departments of health served by the nexus. The tag _might_ still be in enough concentration to read there, but it's not a given."

Morgan nodded. "So the only way we'll be able to predict where the contaminated vaccine will hit the ground will be to have Pretty Boy here work the algorithm all the way out. We need him working on this."

Derek Morgan wasn't always so overt in showing the esteem he had for his colleague and friend, but it was in full display now. Reid was touched by the remarkable show of confidence. And JJ was proud of them both.

Hotch shared the dilemma. Reid's skills were in demand in both agencies, concurrently. And they had only the one genius.

"You're both right." Turning to look at Hirsch, he proposed a compromise. "We won't be able to spare him full time, but if it's acceptable to Dr. Reid, perhaps we can split his time."

Of the team, only Hotch and Reid understood that the unit chief was also sending a subtle message to the DHS representative. The other government agencies may have had their sights set on the BAU's resident genius, but the BAU was also still in need of him.

Reid blushed as he felt all eyes turn to him. There was too much at stake, for too many people, for him to give any answer but the one he gave.

"Of course."

* * *

Reid would have to conduct his national security work on location, as the monitored transmissions were considered top secret. That meant spending time at the NSA headquarters in Fort Meade, Maryland, and at the newly repaired DHS building that had been the site of the terrorist attack.

But, first, he had to work out the next steps in the algorithm. Which states would be targeted from each nexus, and which cities would ultimately be at risk of their children becoming deathly ill? So, for now, he would remain at the BAU, calling in Linda Kimura for further consultation.

Sid Hirsch walked over to shake Reid's hand as the meeting broke up.

"Thanks for agreeing to assist us. We'll take what we can get until…..well, until a decision is made."

 _Either by you, or for you._

JJ overheard the exchange and sent a puzzled look after Hirsch as he left. Then she turned to Reid.

"What did he mean…'until a decision is made'?"

Reid squirmed under her gaze. The tone of her voice told him she was already catching on.

"Uh…..there might have been something else I forgot to tell you."


	39. Chapter 39

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 39**

"Uh….there might be something else I forgot to tell you."

He saw her cringe as he said it….and then resolutely lower her shield. In the space of ten seconds, she'd understood the meaning of Sid Hirsch's words, and Reid's cryptic response to her question. Despite her attempt to cover it, Reid could see she was shaken.

"I'm not going anywhere." He tried to assure her, though he was certain she would deny the need for assurance.

"You may not have a choice."

She did her best to keep her tone neutral, but internally, she felt panicked. Even in the best of times, she relied on her best friend, both professionally and personally. And these weren't exactly the best of times. She felt at sea, isolated, alone.

She'd started to walk away from him, to end this conversation that was threatening her prized public composure. But she felt his hand on her arm as he pulled her back, and turned her to face him.

"JJ, please don't be upset. It's not like it was with you. That was Cruz and Strauss moving you within the FBI. This is just a recruitment. I don't have to agree to it."

Neglecting to mention the possibility of the FBI putting him 'on loan' to DHS.

Vulnerability had crept back into her expression, in spite of her resolve.

"Why does Sid Hirsch still think it's a possibility, then, if you said 'no'?"

Reid flashed his eyes away, lest they betray his attempt to protect her.

Too late. "Did you already tell them you would go?"

"No!" Eyes right back to hers. "No. I just…. It's my breathing. If my lungs don't improve enough for me to stay in the field…..well, it would give me a way to stay in the fight."

She teared up immediately, as she always did when reminded of that time, of the reason why Reid's pulmonary health was so tenuous. He'd willingly agreed …. _.insisted_ upon it, actually…. to being infected with a potentially deadly pathogen, in the hope of developing enough antibodies to save her life. His plan had worked. But it had left him with residual lung disease. And the possibility that he wouldn't be able to carry out his chosen duties.

"It's because of _me_ …..because of what you did for me, that you might have to leave the BAU. Oh, Spence…I'm so sorry!"

 _For you…..and for me._

He was still holding on to one arm, and now took the other as well.

"Stop. I've told you before….I'm glad I did it, and I would do it again. What good would it have done me to stay healthy, if I'd lost you? I'd be pretty much all alone in this world, Jennifer Jareau, if not for my best friend."

She could feel her composure slipping further, and wouldn't have it. She started to shake free of his grasp.

"I can't do this. Not now. Not here."

He immediately released his hands, not wanting to stress her further by having her break down.

"We don't have to talk about it. I wasn't going to say anything unless I had to. I'm sorry, JJ. For _everything_ that you're going through. I didn't mean to add to it."

She wiped at a solitary tear that threatened to fall. "I'll tell you one thing."

"What?"

"You and I are going running this weekend. And every weekend after that. I'm making your lungs my personal project. If you're going to leave the BAU, it will be because you _want_ to, not because you _have_ to."

He grinned at her, glad to see a little spunk back where it belonged.

"For the record, I _don't_ want to. And my lungs and I will be happy to be your personal project. Although I can't speak for my legs."

She smiled, as he'd intended.

"I mean it, Spence. Saturday morning. I'll spot you a couple of hours." Knowing it was one of his favorite times to read. "But, at ten o'clock…..you're mine."

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

She'd done her best to put a good face on it, even knowing that she hadn't fooled her best friend. It wasn't a matter of pride.

 _Well, maybe it is. But I can't help it. I am who I am. Spence understands. Maybe too well._

She'd sought the solace of the women's lavatory after leaving the conference room, and allowed just a few of the tears to fall.

Jennifer Jareau was skilled at submerging her feelings, but, now and then, a few seemed to demand a rise to the surface. She'd learned to humor them, to a point, and then banish them back beneath once again. Which was what she was doing this morning.

 _God, what a mess I've made of my life! After Roz…._

A sob escaped, just as she flushed the toilet to hide it. Thoughts of her sister rarely brought such emotion with them any more. That they did so now, told her how raw she was.

 _After Roz, I promised myself that my children would have a happy childhood. That I wouldn't allow that kind of pain and sadness into my family. And look what I've done!_

A few more sobs escaped, and she covered the sound once again.

 _And now Spence may leave! He might have to give up his career, because of me!_

Knowing, even as she thought it, that he would correct her. ' _It wasn't your fault or mine. It just was_.'

But he would be gone, nonetheless, and she felt as though the foundation was crumbling beneath her.

 _I meant what I said to him. I'm going to do my damnedest to get him healthy again. I don't want him feeling like he doesn't have a choice._

The thought brought her up short.

 _What if that's exactly how he feels? But not because of his health. What if he feels like he has to stay because of me? He's so good at everything he does, he could go anywhere. What if he really wants to try his hand at something else?_

In that moment, she resolved to remove herself from the equation.

 _I'm still going to try to get him healthy. I owe him that much. But I need to stay out of the way of his decision. I don't want him making it because of me._

Drawing upon another one of her strongest skills…the ability to lie to herself.

* * *

Nine AM, and the rest of the government world was just opening for business. JJ was headed back to her desk when she remembered.

 _It's so strange. I've got so many crises going at once that I can't keep them all in my head at the same time. Is that a good thing?_

Whatever it was, she needed to talk to Hotch. She could see through the blinds that he was working, alone, in his office. JJ skirted her desk….and, thus, Reid's…..widely and made her way upstairs.

"Knock, knock." His door was open.

"JJ. Come in. What do you need?" His usual greeting when one of his team came to visit.

The fact that she took the time to close the door behind her alerted the senior agent that this was something meant only for his ears. When she turned back, he gestured to the small sofa, and came around his desk to sit across from her, leaning in.

"What is it?"

She had to calm herself with a few deep breaths to keep her voice steady.

"I need…..I need a lawyer. A divorce lawyer."

Hotch leaned back, to take better stock of her body language.

 _Sad. Definitely more sad than angry. Not her idea?_

"Are you all right?"

She looked up at him with an expression of incredulity. _Are you serious?_

"I mean….. were you hurt?"

JJ could only close her eyes and shake her head. "You guys. You and Spence." Still shaking her head. "Yes, I'm hurt. But not physically. Please, you guys, Will's not like that. And, since I'm the one who's ending things, you should probably be asking _Will_ that. Not me."

"It's _you_ we care about, JJ." Then asking, "So, Reid knows about this?"

She nodded. "He's the only one. And….I know it can't be a secret, but….I'm just not ready to talk to the others about it yet. I'd like to keep it between us, for now."

"Whatever you want."

"What I want is a happy marriage. And, apparently, I'm not going to get that."

She stopped short, realizing that she'd spewed far more than she intended.

"Sorry. Ignore that. What I came to you for was a referral. I know you and Haley did it without lawyers. But I don't think this will be quite that civilized. Do you have a recommendation you could give me? Someone I might be able to work with?"

"Sarah Folsom."

She was surprised. "You came up with that pretty quickly."

He nodded. "I gave her name to Dave, when Erin Strauss died. He wanted to make sure her children were looked out for, with the estate and with the transfer of custody to their father. Sarah and I go back to law school. I'd always admired her. And Dave raves about her. If anybody should know, he should."

JJ smiled at the thinly veiled reference to their colleague's marital woes.

"That sounds good, actually. I like that she looks out for the kids. It's my biggest worry, that we'll hurt Henry in this process."

"Henry knows that you love him. He'll get there."

"Hmph. That's what Spence says. But, I don't know, Hotch. He's so young. How can he understand anything beyond the fact that Mommy and Daddy don't love each other enough?"

Hotch studied his troubled young agent, and friend.

"Henry will know that you each love him. He'll find a way for that to be enough."

She hung her head. "Why?"

"Why?"

"Why is it on _him_ to find a way? What did he ever do, but love us both?"

Hotch leaned in to her again, speaking softly.

"Jack was younger than Henry when Haley and I divorced. He still managed to love us both. I'll never know how, but I know that I'll always be grateful. Henry will manage it, too. When he does, don't ask why, or how. Just say 'thank you'."

Wet eyes met his, above a small, sad smile.

"I'll call Sarah Folsom, then. If she can meet with me…."

"Take whatever time you need. I was going to assign someone to be with Reid when he's off site, sort of a liaison to keep both aspects of the case going. That gives us some flexibility. Meet with Sarah whenever she has time for you. I'm sure Reid will manage on his own for a few hours."

* * *

Reid wasn't all that excited to hear that JJ had been assigned to accompany him to his DHS and NSA assignments. The NSA wasn't so bad, apart from the ninety minute travel time. But the DHS location was the same one they'd been at when they'd been injured, and she'd been infected, in the terrorist attack.

 _I should talk to Hotch. We don't need to put her through being back there._

Forgetting, for a moment, his own trauma associated with the same site. Not so much the _physical_ , which had been painful, but relatively unchallenging. But the _emotional_ trauma of fearing he'd lost her in the blast.

He was still pondering his options when JJ's phone sounded. She answered and became briefly involved in conversation. When she closed the call, she leaned over the barrier that separated their desks.

"The attorney can meet with me in an hour. I can meet you up there."

He knew that, had she not been so distracted by the prospect of the divorce, she'd have been apprehensive about going to DHS. But, apparently, he would have to be apprehensive about it _for_ her.

"It will be pretty late in the day by then. Why don't I just go there alone today, and we'll regroup tomorrow. Besides, you don't know how long you'll be at the law office."

 _And I can take more time to think it through, and maybe talk to Hotch._

"Are you sure?" Already stuffing things into her bag.

"I'm sure. Good luck with the attorney."

"Thanks. But I'm hoping she'll be good enough that luck won't figure into it."

JJ left the bullpen with the eyes of her best friend riveted to the ponytail that bobbed as she walked.

 _Please be good enough for her._

Then thinking of the owner of the _other_ blonde head that had long ago captured his heart.

 _Please be good enough for both of them._


	40. Chapter 40

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 40**

"So, you work with Aaron."

"Well, it's more like I work _for_ him, but, yes. Did he call you?"

"Don't worry. We didn't discuss your situation at all. And we won't, if you and I move forward together. _You'll_ decide who gets information, as well as when, and how."

JJ was a little embarrassed….and annoyed with herself…..at having unwittingly shown her need for privacy. In a convoluted way, her need for privacy also demanded that she be able to keep that very need to herself.

 _I'm definitely off my game._

Nonetheless, she assured the attorney, "I completely trust Hotch. It's just that….well, this is all so new to me."

"Hotch? Do people still call him that?"

Sarah Folsom was a study in contrasts. She looked to be a contemporary of Aaron Hotchner, her blonde hair graying naturally in a stylish bob. Not unexpectedly, she was dressed in a crisply tailored suit. Everything about her appearance was sharply defined, and virtually announced her as a successful attorney who was all business, all the time.

But her demeanor was entirely different. As was her waiting room. During the brief time she'd spent there, JJ's observant eye had taken in the aquarium, the coloring books and crayons, the eclectic mix of DVDs ready to be inserted into the player. And then she'd been greeted with a warm handshake, and an equally warm smile. Sarah Folsom might be an accomplished attorney, but she was also the owner of an encouraging heart. The profiler in JJ could see that almost immediately.

The attorney didn't wait for an answer to her question. "It was his name all through law school, but he's become so…..'proper'… since then….I thought he might be more formal."

"Didn't Rossi call him that?"

"Rossi? Oh, Dave. No, not that I recall."

JJ considered it . "Yeah, I guess they're really more on a first name basis. But, to answer your question, yes, that's what we call him. I don't know that I would call him 'proper' so much as 'serious'. He doesn't pull rank, or stand on ceremony."

"But he doesn't smile, either, does he?"

JJ's eyes narrowed at the woman across from her, not sure she wanted to answer. All of the team knew that their unit chief had been battered by life, and especially by the dissolution of his marriage, and the death of the woman he'd still loved. They'd all watched, helplessly, as his demeanor changed, and even his facial expressions, both becoming so restricted that it was painful to see. And JJ knew, without it ever having been discussed among them, that they all felt protective of him because of it. She wasn't about to admit a stranger to that privileged circle.

So she deflected. "Our work doesn't usually lend itself much to smiling."

Sarah held JJ's gaze a moment longer than necessary, taking stock, and apparently, liking what she saw.

"Very well, then. All…'Hotch'….told me was that a valued member of his team was in a difficult situation, and in need of my services. Everything else will remain entirely between us until or unless you tell me otherwise."

JJ nodded. "I appreciate that." Shifting, trying to find a comfortable position, and failing. There was to be nothing comfortable about this conversation. "Should I tell you about it now?"

"Not until I offer you something to drink. Coffee or tea? Water? Whiskey?"

JJ smiled, as intended. "I'm fine, thanks."

"Then, go ahead." Sarah took a yellow legal pad from her desk, and readied herself to take notes.

JJ shrugged. "You know, I've been going over this in my head, thinking about how to put it. When I look back, it all seems so convoluted. But I guess the short story is this: I got into a relationship with someone I thought I could fall in love with. But, before that happened, I got pregnant. He….. I don't know…to this day, I don't know if he was really in love with me already, or if he just thought we should be together because of the pregnancy. The bottom line is that he quit his job…..he was a police detective in New Orleans….because, God knows, I wasn't about to quit mine. And he moved in with me. We've been together ever since."

"You are married, correct?" Beginning to wonder if she was handling a custody situation alone, or a divorce as well.

"We got married when Henry was three."

Sarah made a notation. "You waited quite a while, then."

"That was me. Will would have gotten married as soon as he found out I was pregnant."

"But _you_ weren't ready? Or were you not sure about him?"

"Both, I guess. I just…." She abruptly stood up, thought better of it, and sat back down. "... this is a little like therapy, isn't it?" More and more uncomfortable.

Sarah smiled. "It's the nature of the beast, I'm afraid. We need to look at everything that might come up in a hearing….whether it's real or alleged. I'm sorry if the process is making you feel disconcerted."

The reminder that Will would be telling his own version of events to his own lawyer strengthened JJ's resolve. She wasn't about to risk losing Henry because of her own personal discomfort.

"It's all right. I'll manage. I have too much at stake."

"Your son. Just the one, is that correct?"

"Just Henry." JJ smiled. "Although sometime it feels like there are three of him."

Sarah laughed. "Spoken like a mom."

Which made JJ think to ask.

"Are you one? A mom, that is?"

Sarah put down her pen. "Sadly, no. Will that make a difference?"

"No. I've learned that it's not necessary to actually be a parent to learn to empathize with kids."

"Sounds like you've had a good teacher."

"I have." Picturing him, in her mind's eye, and feeling his encouragement.

"Let's get back on track. So, you married when Henry was three years old. Does that mean you'd decided you were ready?"

JJ opened and closed her mouth without emitting a sound. Then she shook her head.

"This is why I was having trouble condensing the story. It's complicated."

At a signal from Sarah, she proceeded to give a short version of the shooting and kidnapping of Will, the threat to Henry, and the near loss of Will's life.

"I was so relieved, and I thought it must mean that I loved him. It was impulsive, and that is most definitely not me. But, before I had a chance to even digest it, Rossi had put together this wedding celebration at his home, and…"

"David Rossi is quite the romantic, isn't he?"

JJ chuckled, in spite of herself. "I guess you could say that. And it was, really. It was beautiful, and romantic, and so generous of him. And everyone was there, including my mom. She even brought her wedding dress for me to wear."

"It would have been pretty hard to keep things from moving forward."

"It would have seemed so ungrateful! I couldn't do it. Not to Rossi, or my mom. And not to Will."

Sarah nodded to herself, as she digested the information. "So, it wasn't exactly a coerced wedding, but it also wasn't exactly a willing one." Beginning to think in terms of her legal strategy.

"Well, it was kind of my idea. I told Will to ask me again."

"He'd asked before?"

"Three times. When he found out I was pregnant, when Henry was born, and after I left the BAU."

"You left? And returned?"

This part of the saga bordered on emotionally forbidden territory for JJ. So she was glad that it was also considered 'classified'. That way, she didn't have to admit to anyone, including herself, that it was still too tender to touch.

Instead, she gave a sanitized version of her having been working for the State Department, and then returning to the BAU.

"Will wanted to take advantage of what he thought would be a more predictable schedule for me. He thought it would be a good time for us to have another child. Which, in his mind, also translated into our getting married."

"But you weren't ready for another child?"

Sarah watched her client's reaction to the question. She'd often been grateful for having gotten her masters in psychology as well as her JD. This was one of those times. Jennifer Jareau was visibly holding an internal debate.

"You don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to. But…"

"But it might come back to haunt me, in court. You're right. It's just still too…"

Sarah leaned forward and put a hand on JJ's arm. "There are many things that can come up in court that may feel like open wounds. It's better for us to strategize on how to keep them from bleeding."

JJ was touched, both physically and emotionally. Hotch had obviously placed her in the right hands.

"All right. I still wasn't ready to get married, I guess. But I _did_ get pregnant. I know, it sounds stupid when I say it aloud, even to me. But….I guess I was just thinking that I wanted Henry to have a sibling who was close enough in age for him to play with."

They'd already established that Henry was her only child. Realizing the implication, Sarah spoke her next words gently.

"What happened, Jennifer?"

"I miscarried. I…there was….an accident, at work. And I miscarried. But it happened when I was away from Will. I'd literally just found out, and hadn't even told him yet. And then I miscarried."

"That must have been difficult for both of you."

JJ squinted at Sarah, trying to determine if she was probing, or sympathetic….or if she already knew. But it seemed as though it had been an innocent remark.

Remembering the need to put it all out there, she was honest.

"I _didn't_ tell him. Not for a long time. What was the point? I'd lost the baby. There was no sense in both of us going through it." It was the argument she'd made to herself for several years.

Sarah took it in. Aaron Hotchner had told her that Jennifer Jareau was a valued member of his ace profiling team.

 _How can she be so good at analyzing others, when she's so blind to what's going on in her own psyche?_

Then she wondered if maybe it was a prerequisite for profilers. Maybe, to get into the mindset of a psychopath, one had to be able to push one's own psychological makeup aside.

 _But how can that be healthy?_

She clarified with her client.

"So, you withheld the news until _when_?"

They were back at classified information. JJ could only speak in broad terms.

"Something happened that brought back the memory of that time. I can't tell you about it, I'm sorry. But…well…" Squirming again, finding herself unexpectedly longing for the steadying presence of her best friend. Realizing he would tell her to be open, for her sake, and for Henry's. So she took a deep breath and started again.

"I had PTSD. The things that happened to me when I had the miscarriage….well, something else happened, and it brought it all back. And then…..and then…..God, I know this sounds crazy, but….something _else_ happened, last fall. That brought back _all_ of it. _All_ of it. And I kind of lost it. When I was better…. well, all I can say is that I got some good advice, and I followed it. I told Will about the miscarriage."

Sarah was stroking her chin impatiently. "And I can't know about any of these things?"

Fearful that she'd just sunk her case, JJ could only acknowledge it. "I'm sorry. It's all classified."

Sarah put down her pen and began rubbing her eyes. In time, JJ would come to know it as her 'tell' of frustration.

"All right. I guess we can't fight city hall, so to speak. Just tell me, isn't there anything normal about your case? Maybe another relationship? Jealousy? Greed? _Something_ I can sink my teeth into?"

JJ gave a bitter chuckle. "Sorry. That's pretty much it."

"All right. I like a challenge. Tell me, is there anything else your husband might bring up in court?"

JJ was about to respond in the negative when her memory brought her up short.

"Um…yes. There is something. Will thinks….. he's jealous….he shouldn't be, believe me. I was telling you the absolute truth, before. But Will is jealous of a good friend of mine. Someone I work with."

Sarah's brows went up. "Does he have reason to be?"

"No! We've never done anything that….we're not romantically involved. Spence is my best friend. He has been, since before I met Will. But Will doesn't see it that way."

"How _does_ he see it?"

She took a long minute to think about how to put it. "Will thinks _he_ should be my best friend, as well as my lover. He pretty much wants me to himself. That's how his parents were, he says. So he doesn't understand how I can have another guy in my life, who's so important to me."

Sarah also took a moment to prepare her words. "Many marriages are just as your husband suggests. A man and a woman…or just two people of _any_ sex, now…..make a choice to go through life as partners. Is that what you think he was looking for?"

Remembering her conversation with Will about it, JJ had to concede. "I guess. Maybe Will was right. Maybe I did withhold myself from him, a little."

The attorney was quick to assure her client. "That may come up in the settlement part of the action. But it shouldn't have a role to play regarding custody."

JJ sighed as she sat back. "Thank goodness."

"However, if this 'best friend' is still a part of your life, his identity and his character may well come up in the custody hearing." She leaned in to her client. "You said that you work together. So, I take it he's still a part of your life?"

JJ responded with a wry smile. "He's why I'm still here. He grounds me. And…he's also Henry's godfather."

That caught the attorney by surprise. "Really? So, thing weren't always rancorous among the three of you?"

"Spence was _my_ choice. Will was so determined to get me to marry him, that I think he would have gone along with anything, at the time. So, there wasn't rancor. Not back then. But he wasn't deliriously happy about it, either. Not after I turned down his proposal."

"Still, you went ahead with it."

"And I'm so glad I did. Henry adores Spence, and vice versa."

"All right. That might be a wash. Can I safely assume there's nothing in ….what's his name…'Spence'? In Spence's background that will present an issue? No arrest record, no child welfare complaints?"

"Nothing. Spence is as good as they come."

* * *

 _ **A.N. Not sure if I'll get up another one before December 25 (it's either that, or wrap presents). So, for all those who celebrate: Merry Christmas!**_


	41. Chapter 41

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 41**

The front of the building had been fully reconstructed, complete with a matching tone to the color of the stone. If one hadn't already known about the explosion, there would have been no visual clue that it had taken place.

But Spencer Reid _did_ know about the explosion. He'd been injured by it, his life saved only by the quick response of his brain to the scene before him as he'd looked out the window in search of JJ on that dreadful day. He'd moved away from the window quickly enough to mitigate….but not escape….the effect of the blast.

But it wasn't the physical injury that had come back to Reid as he approached the repaired DHS building. It was the visceral terror that he'd lost one of the people…..maybe _the_ person…closest to his heart. JJ had been on the street when the bus exploded. And he'd been unable to find her for hours.

 _It's over with. Calm yourself. Take some breaths._

He'd felt his heart rate begin to accelerate. Despite being able to psychologically dissect his reaction, Reid couldn't keep it from happening. The explosion had been a frightening experience, leading up to one even more terrifying.

 _She's all right. You're all right._

He'd battled PTSD before, and nearly lost himself in the process. But it was a familiar enemy now, and he was well acquainted with its tactics. It went for the body first, bringing on the sensation of panic, the adrenaline response that alerted the mind to danger even before a fully-formed thought had been hatched. From long practice…..and an unparalleled synaptic network…..Reid had learned to short-circuit the process. He couldn't keep his heart from pounding, but he could rationalize himself out of a full blown episode.

 _It's in the past. It's not happening again. And you won't let it. Just get inside the building and do your job._

Hoping that he wouldn't be delivered back to the same space he'd occupied when the bomb had gone off. He could battle PTSD, but the effort was exhausting, and he couldn't afford that right now. He needed to be fully present to the task at hand.

Preparing himself with successive deep inhalations and exhalations, Reid passed through the entrance to the building and made his way through a short security line. As he approached the elevators, he was surprised to see Sid Hirsch waiting for him.

"Hello, again, Dr. Reid."

"Uh…hi. I didn't expect to see you here." It hadn't come up during the meeting at the BAU only a few hours ago.

"Yes, well." The elevator door opened, and Hirsch waved Reid ahead of him. Then he entered and, to Reid's great relief, pressed '3'. It appeared he wouldn't be working out of the same sixth floor space as before. He remarked on it.

"Third floor?"

"Yes. I arranged for you to use some conference space in our Health Affairs division."

On the surface, it seemed as though there was some logic to it. His task did, after all, involve looking for evidence of domestic versus international planning on the vaccine tampering. But the decryption section was still on the sixth floor…..and it _was_ decryption he'd be doing.

As much as he'd dreaded the return to the sixth floor, as grateful as he was not to be facing it now, Reid was suspicious.

"Did someone…."

Hirsch cut him off. "It seems that both you and I have a good friend in David Rossi."

 _Rossi. Of course._ The BAU and DHS agents had found common ground during the last case. And, while it wouldn't necessarily have occurred to Sid Hirsch, Rossi was all too aware of the phenomenon of PTSD. Of course he would have thought to alert his new friend to take care of his young colleague.

 _I'll have to thank him. And hope that he has some pull about keeping JJ out of here altogether. She hasn't learned how to do battle with it yet. I'm afraid it might overwhelm her._

The additional good news was that Aaron Hotchner had also wielded some influence. This time, the BAU cell phones would work inside the DHS building. They were no longer being jammed.

Hirsch escorted him to the conference room and then left, returning a few minutes later with a woman whose badge identified her as Agent Susan Critelli.

"Dr. Reid, meet Dr. Susan Critelli, our head of Health Affairs. Dr. Critelli, this is Supervisory Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid, of the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI."

The brunette smiled as she reached out toward him. "Doctor?"

Reid took her proffered hand shook it. "PhD….s."

"PhDs? As in multiple?" _Impressive brain. Nice packaging._

"Chemistry, engineering, and mathematics."

"Wow. Makes my lonely MD seem like a non-accomplishment."

Reid was self-effacing. "Of course not. I have incredible respect for physicians. I've needed to call upon them to save my life on more than one occasion."

One brow went up. "Trauma or illness?"

"Both." A sheepish look on his face.

"Ah. A trouble magnet. Well, Dr. Reid, thank you for your support of our profession."

He laughed. "You're welcome."

"Well, welcome to our part of the behemoth Department of Homeland Security. I understand we'll be hosting you while you're on loan from the FBI."

The phrasing made Reid uncomfortable. "I'm not exactly on loan. I'll still be working with the BAU. I'll just be here to look at some intercepted communications." Turning to look at Hirsch. "Right?"

The DHS man was quick to assure him by clarifying with Dr. Critelli. "Dr. Reid is correct. He'll be here part time, along with a colleague, and they'll also be working with the NSA at Fort Meade."

"Ah, okay. And the second agent?"

"Is unavailable this afternoon, but I _am_ expecting Dr. Kimura to join me." She'd been held up earlier, and it had been decided that he should go ahead to DHS. She would join him when she could, to review the distribution algorithm.

"Yes, Linda Kimura. I was informed she'd be coming. We know each other in passing, from conferences and meetings." Sounding every bit as respectful as Reid thought Kimura deserved. "I'll just show you around the place a bit….you know, bathrooms, coffee….and then let you get started." Turning to Hirsch, she remarked, "I understand the sixth floor will be delivering the transmissions in batches. Is that correct?"

Hirsch nodded. "Yes. They'll leave them with Dr. Reid. The room will be secure while he's here, and then they'll be returned to the sixth floor when he's completed his work with them."

"Excellent. I'll arrange a temporary badge that will give him access to the room." Turning back to Reid, she explained. "We won't be able to get you started until the badge is ready. Then I'll arm the electronic lock on the door."

"What about Dr. Kimura?"

"I'm afraid it's policy to issue only the one temporary badge per project. Helps us preserve a sense of control….even if it's only a 'sense' of it."

Reid understood. The stakes were high, and DHS would need a 'prime suspect' if there was a leak.

 _So I'll be the one responsible. Good thing I'm working only with people I can trust with my life. I know, because they've each saved it, in one way or another._

Introductions and parameters taken care of, Dr. Critelli left to arrange for the badge, while Sid Hirsch told Reid he'd be going up to the sixth floor, to arrange for the first group of communications to be sent down.

"Any preferences on batching?"

"Yes." Reid had already thought it through. "I'd like to see two groupings, one international and one domestic, both from the same time period…..just after the week of the first vaccine-related death. I want to see the reactions, if there are any. It will help me know if I should be looking more in-country or outside."

Hirsch gave an approving nod. "Sounds like a plan. I'll be down in….well, in however long it takes them to put it together. I'll introduce you to the official internal courier. That will be the only person who should be handing the correspondence…besides you, of course. You should accept them only from him, and he'll accept them back, only from you."

"Sounds like a lot of internal security…..certainly more than when we were here before."

Hirsch looked unhappy, as though Reid had inadvertently struck a nerve.

"It is. And it's a poorly-conceived, knee-jerk reaction to the situation of that time. We have people jumping through hoops just to get their jobs done, when our main problem was that we were rotten at the top." Even if that 'top' had managed to corrupt Hirsch's cash-strapped partner as well.

Reid remembered. "I guess that's kind of always the way, isn't it?"

"Unfortunately. So we'll jump through the hoops, and hopefully you'll be able to get something done."

"I'll do my best. I can promise you that."

"I know. And, on behalf of those of us who still care about the work we do, I appreciate it."

* * *

Forty-five minutes later, Reid was in possession of his temporary badge and ensconced in a study of the first batch of transmissions, when there was a knock at the door.

"Dr. Reid? It's Linda Kimura."

The door was secured from both the inside and the outside, representative of the DHS overreaction described earlier by Sid Hirsch. Reid used his temporary badge to open it.

"Hi. Glad you could get away."

She flashed a tight smile as she passed by the door he held open for her.

"I'm sorry. It couldn't be helped, earlier."

"Anything I should know about?" Reid followed her over to the table and took a seat across from her.

"I had a phone meeting with my superior at the CDC. He's been informed that I'll be subpoenaed to a meeting of an ad hoc committee of Congress."

Reid was immediately concerned for his friend.

"Are you in trouble?"

She shrugged. "Who knows?"

Spencer Reid had no love for congressional committees, and especially the agenda-driven, ad hoc ones that so often served as part of a reelection campaign. Especially not since he and JJ… _.especially_ JJ….had been so traumatized by their experience with the last one.

"Can't the CDC run interference?"

"He's trying. But it looks like they're going ahead with it."

Reid bit back what he really wanted to say. All he could do was shake his head.

"I'm sorry."

Kimura, in typical fashion, made little of her own distress. "It's a small problem compared to the one at hand. I'll survive."

Which reminded Reid.

"Are you done with the antibiotics?"

"Yes. We stretched the usual ten day course out to two weeks, but…well, either we were already immune, or the antibiotics worked. Because neither Dr. Archer nor I ever had any symptoms of infection. Not after that first night."

Reid's antennae went up. "Which do you think it was? Is it possible this new, engineered strain is just mimicking something that's been out there before?"

"No, I'm sorry. It's just the scientist in me. I try to stay away from absolutes, and speak only in probabilities. But I shouldn't have said that. Because I was involved in engineering this new strain, remember? And I deliberately tested it against strains in our CDC vault going back three generations. I don't think it's possible we've seen it before. Not in our lifetimes."

"So the antibiotic combination worked."

"It worked to prevent the disease from establishing itself in our bloodstreams. But, remember, this one has an affinity for the meninges, and it moves quickly. An unsuspecting parent….even an unsuspecting physician….couldn't work quickly enough to prevent the inevitable."

"Well, I'm glad it worked for you, anyway. Thank God."

"I couldn't agree with you more. Now, can we talk about the algorithm?"

He got right to it. "Well, it looks like we were on target with two of the nexus locations. I still need to figure out how I went off on the third one. The problem is, if that third tagged shipment didn't go to one of the locations we were monitoring, we don't have a way to know where it is."

Kimura was frustrated. "I've often thought that vaccine manufacturing should be a government enterprise. There would be more control of who was involved, and…."

"And, if it got out of control, there would be fewer places where things could go wrong. I know," said Reid, "I agree with you. As it is, the contaminated syringes could be placed at any point in the pipeline, or with any one of multiple manufacturers, and all we can do is hope we've correctly predicted where they'll show up."

"Well, thank God you got two of them right, anyway. So, what do we do now?"

"We need to take the algorithm out another step. See if we can predict which states will get the tagged syringes, and then which cities. It's the only way we'll be able to contain the risk."

"Agreed. But how do we do that?"

Reid was ready for the question. "We need to profile our possible victims. In this case, that means profiling states and cities. I asked Garcia to send me some demographics and to run a search on related news articles….anti-vaccine protests, for example….from all of the eligible places. I'll start with them. But I need your input on the practical aspects of the medical piece. We know that they made a point of infecting kids who they knew would funnel into the same hospital. I need you to help me look at that. What other places are like that? Which would have a bigger name in the world of medicine, something that would create a bigger news impact?"

The light went on. "You think they're going to force our hand. They're going to try to make it impossible to keep this quiet."

Spencer Reid hadn't thought he could have more respect for Linda Kimura. But she'd just made the leap to profiler, and he did.

"You're right. They want the public to know. They want panic."

* * *

He trudged up the stairs to his apartment, hoping there was something in his freezer that might serve as a meal for tonight. He'd been too tired to stop for take out on the way home, and ordering in would take too long.

 _Or I could just skip dinner and go to bed._

It had been a long afternoon, into the evening. He'd speed-read all of the information Garcia had sent, digested it, and given a focused summary to Kimura. She, in turn, had helped him analyze the medical systems in the various states in the risk profile.

All of that had taken time, so he'd pushed on for a few more hours after Kimura left, powering through the first set of DHS material. Nothing. Coming home tonight, he was exhausted as much by frustration as he was by the length of his day, and the state of his health.

But there was one task he was committed to accomplishing before calling it a night. After dropping his messenger bag on the table, Reid sank into his comfortable leather chair, pulled out his phone, and tapped out a number. No texting tonight. He wanted to hear her voice. He _needed_ to hear it.

She answered on the fourth ring, with a somewhat breathless, "Hello?"

"JJ? It's me."

"Oh, Spence! Sorry, I ran for the phone and didn't even look at the screen."

It sounded like she was busy. "I won't keep you, then. I just wanted to see how you'd made out."

"Not too busy for you. I was just overseeing his majesty in the bath."

Reid chuckled. Henry did like to hold court.

"So….how was she?"

"She's nice. I think she does mostly family law, and not just divorce cases. At least, that's what I profiled from her waiting room."

Reid smiled. It was one of the detriments of their profession, that their profiling skills were never turned off.

"And?"

"And, we went through a lot, and she gave me some things to think about. And I'll see her again before the end of the week. How did _you_ make out?" Deflecting.

"Hmph. I spent most of the afternoon meeting with Kimura. We needed to take the algorithm out past the original nexi."

"Did you?"

"She's looking into a few of places, because they don't have a children's hospital, and she's not sure a couple of isolated cases would be picked up without one. So we'll talk again tomorrow to decide if we should keep those cities on the list or not."

Suddenly JJ's voice was quieter, almost hushed. "How was it...you know...going back there?"

His inclination was to lie. And, if it had only been to allay _her_ worry about _him_ , he would have. But _he_ was worried about _her_. And he didn't want her going through it. So he answered honestly.

"It was a little rough. They put me in a different space, on a different floor, so thank God for that. But it was still rough, JJ. I don't think you should go there. We should talk to Hotch about someone else being the liaison."

Her response was so expected, so predictable, so 'JJ', that he could only hold his head in his hands.

"I'm a big girl, Spence. I can do it. Besides, Hotch already made all the team assignments to work around my meetings with the lawyer. He's trying to help me out. I'm not going to give him a hard time about it. I'll see you there tomorrow."

"JJ..."

"It's done, Spence. I love you for worrying about me, but I'll be okay. I've dealt with worse." _As you know._

Forgetting to factor in how _well_ or _poorly_ she'd dealt with 'worse'.

He did know. So he gave in, and changed the subject.

"So, the lawyer... does she think she can help you?"

"She said she's pretty confident...as long as there are no surprises."


	42. Chapter 42

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 42**

Reid left his apartment early the following morning, despite the fact that it had been decided they'd go directly to their assignments, and not meet at the BAU prior. He wanted to fit in a workout. He _needed_ to fit in a workout.

Sleep had been fitful, though no more so than many nights. His dreams had been few, and those, disjointed. All he could take away from them were images. Kimura. JJ. Will. And a child….a little girl, not Henry…..but still nearly white blonde, and lying in a hospital bed, unmoving. A drone. A bus. A cello case.

 _I need to clear my head. I'm mixing the two cases together, and we don't even know that they're related._

And he needed to keep up his rehab. The case was moving, even if they still had no idea how quickly, or in what direction. But it was moving, and he needed to be ready, if and when the time came.

 _As ready as I can be. I guess this will be the case that decides things, that tells me whether or not staying with the BAU is still a choice._

And he sincerely wanted it to be. It was true that his future probably held something other than the BAU. But his present held someone who needed him, and he fully intended to be there for her.

So he made his way to the gym, and met Laura for an early morning session.

"Hmm. I can see them." An approving nod from the physical therapist.

"See what?" Grunting with the effort required by the upper body machine.

"Guns. Other than the one that's always hanging over your belt, that is."

She grinned as she watched the blush creep up his neck.

"Don't be embarrassed, Spencer. It looks good on you. And, even though they're not as visible, I can tell by the changes in your biceps that your deltoids and lats are building, too. And I'll bet, if you'd be willing to show me, that I'd see the beginnings of a six pack down there."

The blush deepened, and was accompanied by heat. Reid wasn't accustomed to talking about his body with anyone, let alone a woman. Well, maybe Stephanie. But…..

"You'll have to use your imagination. I'm not taking my shirt off." Not in this gym, where most of the men looked as built as Derek Morgan.

Laura conceded, but only to a point. "Actually, I really _do_ need to take a peek. If you've been doing your breathing exercises as prescribed, a look at your abs will give me an idea of how your diaphragm is doing." Which, along with the muscles of his chest wall, would have the largest impact on his breathing capacity.

So Reid gave in, the reluctant object of Laura's viewing pleasure. And approval.

She whistled, mostly to enjoy watching the blush reappear. "I'd say we're well on our way. You've been a good boy, Spencer Reid. You've been following your PT's orders."

Reid was just a little bit irked. "Maybe I've been working hard to I can leave my PT behind."

Laura had been here before. She grinned again. "My pleasure."

* * *

He'd offered to pick JJ up and drive her in, wanting to be with her when she approached the DHS building for the first time since the terrorist attack. But she'd declined, citing a tentative appointment with her attorney.

"She's not sure she'll be out of court in time, so she'll let me know."

"I can drive you there, if you like."

She'd known what he was about. "Spence, I'll be fine. You don't need to worry about me." Not quite admitting to herself just how much she _counted_ on him worrying about her.

"Still…..why don't I meet you downstairs and bring you up, then? I can show you the break room, and the rest room, and…"

"Spence. I know what you're trying to do. But you need to let me do this on my own. I'll figure it out. I'll be okay." _I have to be._

He wasn't quite ready to concede. "I just thought it might help if I was with you when…."

"Who was with _you_ , yesterday?"

"That was different."

"How?"

"I've been through it before. I've learned some techniques."

"Then teach them to me."

"On the phone?!"

"Why not?"

Ten years of friendship had taught Reid that he wasn't going to win this one. So he gave in, and walked her through the process of recognizing physical symptoms as merely that, and then trying to alter the physiology.

"Deep breathing will help slow both your heart rate and, obviously, your respiratory rate. It will also help to relax the tension in your muscles. But, JJ, _please_ listen to me. These techniques only help the physical. Sometimes they're enough. But sometimes it's the memory that comes first. It intrudes on your thoughts, even replaces what you're seeing and feeling. That's not something you can learn on the phone. It takes time."

Unseen, JJ shivered. He was describing what had happened to her that night in the hospital, last fall. The bus explosion had triggered a delayed memory of the Humvee explosion in Afghanistan. It had hit her all at once, overwhelming her defenses. She'd felt as though she might come apart. It had been only the arms of her best friend that had held her together that night.

 _But I was probably more vulnerable because of the infection. I was already coming down with it. Today will be different. Today, I'm strong._

Aloud, she responded, "I have to start sometime, Spence. I can't go through the rest of my life being afraid of things I can't control, can I? Don't I have to confront them?"

"Yes….I just…." _I just want to be there to help you when you do._

But he didn't say it. He knew she didn't want to hear it. As much as it concerned him, it was also one of the things he loved most about her. Whereas he was inclined analyze a problem inside and out, frontwards and back, from as many perspectives as possible, before confronting it…..JJ was far more inclined to run into it head on, and not give it time to take root.

 _It's who she is. And she's not entirely wrong._ He'd learned a bit about that from her, over the years. In the end, _everything_ had to be confronted.

"What?" Challenge in her tone, ready to shut down his argument.

"Nothing. You're right. I'll see you there." _And if I have to hold you together again….I will._

* * *

Despite the workout, Reid still managed to get to DHS before JJ. This second day, the approach to the building had been less intimidating, the physiologic response dampened, even compared with the day before.

 _Either I'm getting good at this_ …..realizing the irony of 'getting good' at handling PTSD…. _or it's not evoking as strong a response_.

Which, maybe, made sense. Ranked among the other traumatic experiences of his life, the terrorist attack wouldn't quite rise to the top. Still, he was anxious for JJ's arrival, poised to 'read' her, because he was one hundred percent sure she wouldn't openly admit any level of distress.

He notified his 'official courier' from the sixth floor that he'd arrived, and asked that today's batch of transmissions be delivered, then went in search of coffee. By the time he'd made the proper amendments to his cup, he found Agent Belcher outside the door to the conference room.

"Oh, sorry. Let me open it for you." Using his temporary badge. Belcher entered and placed the bin on the conference table.

"Let me know when you're ready to call it a day. I can keep these aside and bring them back tomorrow."

"That won't be necessary. I'll get through them. In fact, can you start putting together a batch from _before_ the first case of meningitis? Same thing, split into international and domestic. I'll start on them this afternoon."

Belcher's eyes had gone wide. "You know, the guys that were here when you were here before…they told me about you. But I didn't believe them."

Reid just gave him a look that said 'I don't know what you're talking about', then badged the door open again so Belcher could leave. As the DHS agent passed through, Reid heard an 'oops, sorry', and peered around the edge of the door. JJ.

"Hi."

"Hi." She moved past him and laid her bag on a chair. "Did you get started already?"

Reid closed the door and joined her at the table. "I was just getting ready to. Agent Belcher…that was who almost ran into you….just brought them down." Studying her.

She nodded a few seconds longer than she needed to, and he knew. She was processing. He decided to give her some time for it, without challenging her.

"Do you want to get some coffee before we start? Maybe tea? I can show you where it is."

She flashed him a grateful look before replying. "Yeah, maybe….maybe tea."

It was her usual afternoon drink. And her 'go to' when she was anxious.

He brought her down the hall and around the bend, to find the staff kitchen and break room. Reid took the opportunity to make himself a 'spare' and the two returned to the conference room. Settling in, Reid removed the papers from the bin and explained their arrangement.

"These are the international, and these over here are the domestic. I asked to see any intercepted transmissions from the time after the cases of meningitis presented. There was nothing in yesterday's batch, which covered the first two days. These are the next two. I've already asked to start looking at the time just before, with the afternoon delivery."

She nodded, understanding. "Okay. I'll take the domestic….obviously."

They'd worked together on deciphering transmissions last fall, and had developed a pretty effective rhythm between them. JJ had caught on quickly to the kinds of patterns of word usage that Reid thought might be significant, and he trusted her to do so again now. He slid the 'domestic' pile over to her.

"Deal."

Each of them started reading through the written versions of intercepted messages, some having originated in text, others in verbal exchanges. Reid translated as he read, moving in and out among English, Urdu, Arabic, and his newly-acquired Farsi. He could sort the separate conversations out later, if need be. Right now, he needed to find the specific subject matter.

Reid's eyes flashed a quick glance in JJ's direction every now and then, catching the hint of flutter in the pages as she moved them.

 _She's shaking._

He wanted so much to reach out to her, to steady her hand. But he knew her pride would get in the way.

 _I need to let her do this her way._

Which was his plan, until a few minutes later. That was when she reached for her tea, and it began to spew from the mug, nearly staining the papers they were working on. The tremor in her hand had gotten beyond her control.

"Sorry!" She quickly resettled the mug and started dabbing at the spilled droplets with a napkin.

Reid put down the paper he'd been holding, and slid his hand over hers. Now he could _feel_ the shaking as well as see it. And she knew that he knew.

Reid stared at her until she looked at him. "It's all right. It's only natural."

She shook her head. "I thought I could do it. I wasn't just talking, I really thought I could do it." Clearly disappointed at what she considered to be her failure.

He wasn't having it. "You _did_ do it. You're here, aren't you? No one can avoid the physical symptoms. That's what we went over last night, remember? It _always_ happens. You just need to know what to do when they come."

She sniffled. "You didn't tell me about the shakiness. What do I do about that?"

He smiled. "Hold onto something steady." Turning her hand over, and intertwining his fingers with hers.

She squeezed, smiling back.

"For the record," Reid added, "you did so much better than I thought you might. I was worried about you. In case you couldn't tell."

"Hmph. To tell you the truth, so was I. But…well, I guess I'm a little stubborn."

"A little?"

"Stop! I just….I don't like to be bested."

"Well, you weren't." Then, wondering. "How did you do it?"

"I tried something my genius best friend forgot to tell me about."

He immediately felt guilty, as though he'd failed her. Until she explained.

"I focused on the outcome. It was different from before. It was _good_." Then, expounding, "When the PTSD hit me before…..do you remember? That night in the hospital?"

 _Do I remember?!_

"Well, there was nothing good about that, nothing to mitigate it. It was about a trauma where I'd lost my informant and my _baby_. There was nothing positive to hold on to, it was _all_ devastating. But, this time, with this one…..it was different. So I just made a point of remembering how it turned out. When I was outside, as I got closer to the building, I just consciously pushed away the image of the bus, and the bodies, and I latched on to _another_ image, to something _else_ that happened out there."

His mouth rose in sad reminiscence. "We found each other." After hours and hours of thinking each other lost.

She nodded. "I just focused on that. That one of the worst moments of my life turned into one of the best, when I found you."

He squeezed her hand. "It was that way for me, too. Then...and yesterday. It's pretty much what got me through the door."

She smiled at him, and they sat for a long moment, fingers interlaced, silently thanking the heavens for _that_ moment...and this one. The emotion was thick between them, the caring for one another.

But there was much work to do, and children's lives were at stake. With a final squeeze, their hands separated, and they each went back to their respective stacks of paper.


	43. Chapter 43

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 43**

As she drove down her street, JJ was surprised to see a light on at the house, and her mother's car parked at the road. From the back seat, Henry spotted it at the same time.

"Yay, Meme's here!"

As soon as the car came to a stop, a one-armed Henry squiggled out of his booster seat and made a bee line for the door. It opened just before he reached it.

"Henry!"

"Meme!"

Seeing the return of her little one's effervescence encouraged JJ. It had been only a few days of the new living arrangement, and it seemed he was already in the process of adjusting. Which made her wonder just how much she and Will had stressed him, before the separation, that he should be so ebullient once it had been effected.

Guilt threatened an unwelcome visit, but she forcefully pushed it away.

 _You can't change what came before. You need to move on from here. Isn't that what Spence would say?_

Surprised to realize just how much she had internalized his advice.

JJ grabbed Henry's forgotten backpack and her own bag, and made her way into the house. She heard commotion in the kitchen and followed the noise down the hallway.

"Hi, Mom. This is a surprise...a nice one, mind you, but a surprise." Her nose was tantalized by the aroma rising from a large pot on the stove.

Sandy smiled at her daughter over Henry's head. Her grandson was still enthusiastically recounting the events of his day when she bent to him.

"Honey, why don't you go and get cleaned up? Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, and you can tell me all about Toby and Madison then, all right?"

That depended, apparently. "What's for dinner, Meme?"

"What does your nose tell you, Henry?"

"Spa-ghet-ti!" Pronouncing it slowly, proud of the new translation from 'biscetti'.

"And meatballs and sausage. You have a very smart nose, little man!" She ruffled his hair.

Henry grinned. "My nose has brains! Hey, Mommy…..can we call Uncle Spence and tell him that my nose has brains?"

The two women looked at each other and laughed. If not for the little blonde dynamo, the LaMontagne household might have been quite somber, these days. But Henry intuitively knew how to lift the atmosphere.

Once he'd run off, JJ moved to give her mother a quick embrace and a kiss on the cheek.

"Not that I'm not glad to see you….or to walk in to find the house smelling so scrumptious…but is there a reason you're here?"

Sandy started stirring her sauce. "I just thought I'd lighten your load a little bit, sweetheart. It can't be easy to come home and start cooking after such a long day. Poor Henry would be half asleep by the time he'd had dinner."

"We ate late when Will was here, too, Mom. Sometimes it just worked out that way. It's a good thing Karen is so flexible."

"I know, honey. And I know you made it work." She put a pot of water on to boil. "I guess I just wanted to help. And to see how my daughter was doing."

Which they both recognized as the real reason she'd come.

"I'm okay, I guess. Work keeps me distracted." Failing to mention the most troubling element of today's distraction. She'd been glad to leave the day, and the DHS, behind.

"Did you meet with your attorney again?"

JJ began to set the table. "This afternoon, yes. But that story will have to wait until a certain someone is asleep."

Mr. Certain Someone entered the kitchen on cue.

"Sauce or butter?" Sandy thought to inquire. Her grandson was growing up in so many ways, she knew it was only a matter of time before his taste buds did as well.

"Butter. Sauce is for meatballs."

 _Half-way grown up._ Sandy could only hope it was enough for him to navigate the changes in his family's life.

* * *

JJ found two steaming cups of tea sitting on the coffee table after she left Henry to his dreams. Prayer time had been a bit unsettling, as the tiny blonde had unwittingly tugged at her heart strings. And her conscience.

"And please make my arm get better real fast, so I can ride my new bike!"

He'd gotten it for Christmas, but the DC winter hadn't lent itself to bike riding. Suddenly all JJ could picture was Henry and his newly-healed arm falling off his new two-wheeler.

 _Maybe they sell whole-body padding._

"And please take care of our fambly, and help Daddy be nice to Mommy, and help Mommy be nice to Daddy. And God bless Meme, and Auntie Penelope, and Uncle Spence. Amen."

Those words were still resounding in JJ's head as she took one of the mugs and sat across from her mother.

"Is Henry all right, sweetheart? You look a little upset."

JJ lifted the cup. "Nothing this won't help."

Assuming it to be 'amended' as it had been last week. She took a sip, then looked puzzled.

"It's just tea?" Sounding disappointed.

Sandy smiled. "Sorry. I can take care of that, if you'd like."

JJ chuckled. "My mom, plying me with whiskey yet again. No, thanks anyway. I need to keep my head clear for a bit."

"All right, then. Do you want to tell me what the lawyer said?"

JJ heaved a huge sigh, belying her physical and emotional fatigue.

"Well, the good news is that we don't have grounds for a 'fault' divorce. Which means we didn't beat each other up or cheat on each other."

"Thank God for that."

"And the bad news is that a 'no-fault' divorce requires at least a year of living apart, when there's a minor child involved, before it can be granted."

Sandy chewed on that for a moment. "I guess I can understand why it's like that. The stakes are high for a child, both emotionally and financially. The court is trying to be sure the couple understands what the living situation, and the relationships, might be like, before making it permanent."

JJ nodded. "Yeah, I guess they just want to make sure everyone's really thought it through. It sounds like the actual divorce is almost anticlimactic after the year of separation, though."

Sandy's mind was working. "Honey, what about that? What about the terms of the separation? Who works that out, and how?"

"That's the big thing. That's what Sarah's starting to work on now. She has a phone meeting with Will's attorney scheduled for the end of the week. By then, we need to come up with a list of what I want, and we'll find out what Will's asked for. I just hope our lists are remotely compatible. Although, I guess, if they were, we wouldn't need attorneys."

Sandy took a sip from her mug. "Do you like her? Do you think she'll represent you well?"

JJ's face took on a wry smile. "The thing I like most about her is that she prioritizes the kids. She even told me that there might come a time that she'll give me advice I won't want to hear. But she'll give it anyway, if she thinks it's the best thing for Henry."

"Well, I'm hoping it won't come to that. I hope you and Will can find a way to do what's best for _all_ of you."

"Me, too." With that, a poorly suppressed yawn from her daughter signaled Sandy that it was time to go. She stood and gathered their mugs, heading for the kitchen.

"Do you have an early day tomorrow?"

JJ stretched as she stood. "We're going to Fort Meade tomorrow. NSA. They want Spence to look at some stuff."

Keeping things in general terms. There was a limit on how much she could share with her mother.

"That's a good ride, isn't it?"

"We're not going to Quantico first, so that will save us thirty minutes. I'm going to drop Henry off at Karen's and then swing by Spence's place to pick him up."

She didn't have to explain that it meant another early morning for Henry as well. He often caught the bus from his babysitter's home, if his parents both had early start times. But it meant getting him up an hour earlier than necessary.

"All right, then. I'll let you get to bed." Sandy grabbed her purse and started for the door. Before departing, however, she made a request.

"Would you mind if I picked Henry up tomorrow afternoon? We didn't get much time together tonight, and I need some snuggling."

They both knew that Henry LaMontagne could snuggle with the best of them. But he was getting older, and their snuggling future was limited.

JJ smiled. "That would be great. It will be nice for him to spend time with you, and I think he could use a break from these long days, anyway. Thanks, Mom."

Sandy leaned in to give her daughter a quick peck.

"You're very welcome."

* * *

"Morning, Spence. Sorry I'm late."

He'd been waiting for her outside his apartment building.

"It's a beautiful day," he said, as he buckled in. "You gave me a chance to be out in it. I might have missed it, otherwise."

She smiled at his dismissal of the inconvenience. "Still, I'm sorry. Henry went to bed all sunshine and light, but he woke up like a bear. I'm afraid he might be coming down with something."

"Does he have a fever?"

"Not yet, but the day is young. He just had that look about him."

"Do you want to stay home with him, then? I can go to Fort Meade by myself."

"And have those NSA dweebs pluck you right out of the BAU? I think not."

That appeared not to sit right with Reid.

"Did Hotch ask you to babysit me?" Suddenly wondering exactly why she'd been assigned to accompany him.

"What? No! I'm going along to help you, and liaise back to our original case, just as planned."

He nodded, accepting her answer. Until she added to it.

"Besides, I'm more of a 'bodyguard' than a 'babysitter', wouldn't you say?"

The look he gave her said it all. _I don't need either one._ But JJ was unswayed.

"Seriously, Spence. We've only worked indirectly with the NSA before. This is the first time it will be up close and personal. I know you have a job to do, but….well, try not to be so _good_ at it."

"How do I do that?"

"I don't know. Do the work, but make it look like it's harder than it is?"

"It _is_ hard, JJ."

It struck her, then. That she'd just done what so many other people did. She'd underestimated him, assuming that it all came easily, when that wasn't actually the case. In reality, the true miracle was that he was able to do what he could do at _all_. It wasn't the _ease_ of it. It was the _fact_ of it. He could do what very few else in the world could do, but that didn't mean it didn't require great effort on his part.

If anyone should have realized that, she should have. She'd seen him exhausted at the end of so many of their cases. Sometimes he'd even fallen asleep before the plane had taken off. _But I've never, in all these years, thought about why. It takes a toll on him._ She immediately began to apologize.

"Sorry. I guess I have a bad habit of taking you for granted. I won't..."

She was interrupted when both of their phones sounded at once. Reid checked her screen to verify, and then used his phone to answer for both of them.

"You have me and JJ, Garcia. We're on our way to Fort Meade." He put it on speaker.

"Hold on, Buttercup. The Grand Poobah wants me to conference you in." A second's delay, followed by a more professional, "Go ahead, Sir."

Their unit chief's voice came next. "Reid, JJ, we're here with Sid Hirsch. There's been a development in the case. Garcia?" Turning the announcement over to their technical analyst.

"Okay, well. As you know I've had a couple of bots out looking for unusual financial transactions involving any of our prime suspects from the lab."

"You found something." JJ made it sound like a given.

"No, actually, I didn't."

The two profilers in the vehicle exchanged a look. Apparently, this was going to be one of _those_ stories.

"But I _also_ devoted a single bot to all things Peter Ramos, since he was our prime suspect."

Reid picked up on it. " _Was_?"

Morgan's voice came next. "His body was found in his condo this morning. Carbon monoxide."

With that, Reid pulled over to the side of the highway. He needed to give his full attention to this conversation.

"Suicide?"

Kate this time. "They don't know yet. The fire department found him, after they responded to a CO detector going off in the condo next door. He was in his basement, next to the water heater."

JJ chimed in. "So, can they tell if he was trying to work on it, or if he intentionally inhaled the carbon monoxide?"

Rossi responded. "Metro PD is investigating as well. Right now, they're leaning toward suicide, mostly because of the death of his mother and the huge debt to the hospital."

"But we're thinking he stole the bacterial strain to pay off that debt, right?" suggested Kate. "So, maybe guilt, over what happened with the vaccines?"

"We can't be sure that he _knew_ what happened with the vaccines," said Morgan. "That's been kept out of the news, remember? He might have had some guilt about having sold the strain, but he probably didn't know what they did with it."

Rossi agreed. "But, if he found out….and depending on how strong a conscience he has….it _could_ have been a motive for suicide."

Reid had already reached a conclusion. "My guess is that they'll find some sort of tampering. This might have been meant to look like a suicide, but I think they're just cleaning up."

Hotch's voice now. "I think so, too. I doubt they ever had any intention of paying him off. They used him, and now they've disposed of him."

"But why _now_?" Kate voiced the question for the rest.

Reid remembered something their technical analyst had said. "Garcia, you started to say something about a bot devoted to Peter Ramos…."

"Thank you for paying attention to me, Boy Wonder. You're right, I did. And here's why: two days ago, the hospital turned his account over to collections. he never paid on it at all. I assume that was because he thought he was coming into money. But I've been following all of his other accounts….bank, charge, debit….. there's been no huge influx of cash, and his spending habits haven't changed. There's no evidence that money ever came to him at all. So it looks like Hotch is right. He was never paid off."

Morgan worked through it. "According to Kimura, they needed an ongoing source of contaminant, right? But now they've just cut off that source. Why?"

JJ posited, "Maybe he was going to be paid when the operation was over. But the bill going to collections accelerated the timeline…."

"And they weren't ready to pay him yet, and they couldn't afford to risk him telling anyone .…." Kate had acquired the BAU habit of completing sentences for her colleagues.

It was a habit begun decades ago by Rossi and Gideon. Rossi resumed it now. "…so they put an end to him. You _do_ realize what this means, don't you?" Directing the question to the whole team, but looking at Hotch, who answered for them.

"It means they're without their supply line. With no new contaminant leaving the NIH lab, they'll have to be sure they get the publicity they're seeking with the current batch of vaccine. The stakes have just risen on containing it, and finding those responsible."

* * *

The building was huge, the dark tinted windows imposing. So it took both FBI agents by surprise to find the atmosphere inside the building, as well as the attire of the personnel, so casual.

Roger Beckman was their official liaison and contact person. He met them once they'd cleared the security line in the lobby.

Looking pointedly at the items attached to their belts, he remarked, "It's only our NSA police who carry weapons here. The rest of us don't usually have much use for them. Apart from settling disagreements about how many of us it takes to change a lightbulb, that is."

Seeing the blank look on the blonde profiler's face, he started to explain. "It's a joke. You know, how many mathematicians does it take..."

"Ooh!" said the other profiler. "I've got one about existentialists..."

"Spence!"

The two men looked at each other and shrugged, while, internally, JJ groaned. _He's in his element and I'm in geek city. Why didn't I think this through?_

She tried to change the subject. "It looks like things are pretty laid back around here."

"That's another thing we don't usually have much need for….a public persona. We mostly talk to machines all day. Or, rather, _they_ talk to _us_."

Which was Reid's cue to make a request that both he and JJ realized would be unpopular.

"Actually, I do better with paper. Is it possible to get printouts of the communications I'll be looking at?"

Beckman stopped in his tracks. "Printouts? But….. _why_? Who _does_ that?"

Just a little bit irked, JJ replied, "Dr. Reid does it." _Or he wouldn't have asked._ "It's easier to move back and forth among messages that way. You can't do that with a screen."

Reid bit back a smile. It felt good to have someone come to his defense.

Beckman responded to her. "Actually…..you haven't seen our screens."

* * *

It wasn't so much the NSA screens as it was their programs. But Reid was impressed.

"It's a good thing they didn't send Garcia here. She'd quit the FBI in a heartbeat, and become an NSA hack," said JJ.

"I have to admit, it's pretty sweet," agreed Reid.

Everything about working with these computers was different. The screens had more angles of comfort, and very effective glare shields. Most importantly, it took only the touch of a button for him to send a message to a queue that could then be displayed simultaneously with nearly a hundred others, on the same large screen. Then, once displayed, it was only a matter of his speed reading the screen to find patterns and commonalities. ' _Only_ '.

JJ sat at her own terminal, working her way through a slew of messages retrieved in English, and assembling them into an array that Reid could peruse when she was done. Across the room, Reid sorted through messages that had been translated from three different foreign languages.

An hour into the exercise, Reid broke into her concentration.

"I think I need to see the originals," he said to her. "It's like last fall. I'm not sure these translations are giving me what I need."

"All right, I'll call Beckman. But, please, Spence, remember what I said before. Once these guys see you doing what you do…..especially if you're also translating…. they'll be all over you. I'd kind of rather we kept you a secret."

He barely looked away from the screen he was reading. "The secret's already out. Hotch said they've already been asking. Apparently it was a topic of discussion at the closing task force meeting last fall."

JJ put down her phone. "I thought it was just DHS we had to worry about. But it's the NSA too? Has this been going on the whole time since then?"

 _And you didn't tell me about it?_

The undertone to her voice drew his attention away from his task. "Shortly afterward, I guess. After the fallout from the DHS betrayal at the top, there was more interagency collaboration. And my name came up in a few discussions. Hotch told me about it a few months ago."

"Spence, why didn't you tell _me_?"

He heard the petulance in her voice, but recognized it as stemming from anxiety.

"I didn't take it seriously, JJ. Neither did Hotch. We thought I'd just be able to say 'no'. We _still_ think that, although….. "

"Although what?"

"Although it's possible they won't treat it as a recruitment, or even a transfer. _I_ could fight the recruitment. _Hotch_ could fight the transfer, and he would. And he said Matt Cruz would back him up, unlike what Strauss did to you."

"Well, what _else_ could it be, then?"

"A loan."

"A loan?"

"The FBI could decide to put me on loan to another agency without changing my status within the Bureau." The word Sid Hirsch had used two days ago.

"For how long?"

He could only shrug. "Hotch doesn't know. He said it's done very rarely."

"And you couldn't refuse?"

Reid stood, partially to stretch his legs, and partially to close the distance between them. He pulled out the chair next to her and sat, looking intently at her.

"I don't want to go, JJ. If it's my choice, I won't. I promise you that. Especially not now. But, with my health problems….well, my time in the field might have an expiration date, anyway. I wouldn't be able to stay with the BAU. Hotch can work down a field agent short for a short period of time, but not permanently. And I wouldn't expect him to. Would _you_?"

She shook her head. "No, of course not."

"So, right now, I need to walk a fine line. I need to keep my options open, but not preclude staying exactly where I want to stay."

"How?"

It was his turn to shake his head. "I haven't a clue. So I need to put it aside. Because I can't let it interfere with the work we're here to do, today."

His words struck a chord with her.

"You're right, of course. I've got my priorities screwed up, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even brought it up. It was out of line and unprofessional. Forget I even mentioned it. I'll call Beckman now."

As she reached for her phone, he laid a hand on her arm, and made sure she was looking at him when he spoke.

"For the record, _you_ are my priority. But we also have a job to do, and we both need to give it our best. It's who we are, and what we do. Besides, who knows, maybe all I really need to do is to show them that I can't do it without you. Maybe I can get them to take both of us."

She gave him a look. But there was a smile on her face. An uncertain one, but a smile nonetheless. Encouraged, he decided to try for more.

"Seriously, JJ. Just think of all the advantages to working here. No serial killers, no travel, no fitness requirement. And these guys have connections in all the right places. In fact, I've heard they even have their own suite at ComicCon."

He was pleased to hear her laugh. And then he waited for her to say her line.

Grinning, she recited it. "I've told you, Spencer Reid. I am _never_ going to ComicCon with you."

Then, adding a new ending to the little, oft-played tableau, she said, "But I _am_ working you out on Saturday morning."


	44. Chapter 44

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 44**

The rest of the week passed in that most frustrating of ways: with a sense of urgency, but very little progress.

The ME confirmed Peter Ramos' cause of death as 'carbon monoxide poisoning', but 'accidental' versus 'non-accidental' was still up in the air.

Rossi and Morgan spent two full, fruitless, days reviewing the recordings from the cameras that had been installed in Kimura's lab. With Peter Ramos out of the equation, they needed to be sure there hadn't been a replacement recruited by whomever was contaminating the vaccine.

More and more, it was looking like the 'whomever' was a domestic terrorist cell. Whether or not it had ties to an international leadership was still unclear. Answering that question was the focal point of the work Reid and JJ were doing at the NSA.

They'd been scattered for much of the preceding few days, but Aaron Hotchner knew his team worked best as a single entity. So he made a point of convening them before the week was out. Friday afternoon saw them assembled around the round table, joined, once again, by Sid Hirsch.

Well, almost all of them. Reid and JJ rushed in ten minutes late.

"Sorry. Traffic," he explained.

"When is there ever _not_ traffic on the beltway?" Kate commiserated.

Once the final two were settled, Hotch started the meeting.

"All right. As we all know, there are many facets to this case….including the question of whether it's all the same case. So we'll review what we know and, maybe more importantly, what we don't know. I've asked Sid to sit in to bring information back to DHS."

"And I'll share what I can with you," added Sid. "As long as it falls within your levels of security clearance."

JJ had to bite her cheeks to keep from laughing at Rossi's reaction to Hirsch's statement. Somehow the senior profiler had managed to stop his eyes mid-roll, as if he was trying to suppress his response.

 _Which he probably is. I know he and Hirsch have become friends. But the bureaucracy is no less maddening to him._

Hotch started by reviewing the status of the investigation into the death of Peter Ramos, followed by Rossi, who reported on the ongoing surveillance of the lab.

"We had Dr. Kimura look at some of the recording with us, so we could learn the usual choreography of the work. So far, no one looks out of step."

Morgan chimed in. "I don't mind telling you that it's a helluva job, running through eighteen hours worth of recordings. I was thinking it was really a job for Pretty Boy, here."

They both remembered the case where Reid had reviewed hours of recordings at lightning speed, shocking the LEO who'd been working with them.

Reid laughed. "Was that the time we told him I'd read War and Peace at breakfast?"

JJ made a face. "You would never read in the middle of a case."

"Yeah, but he didn't know that."

Morgan laughed as well. "It gets better. We told him the Kid had read it in Russian."

All of them joined in some much-needed letting down. Except Sid Hirsch. _He_ was interested.

" _Can_ you do that?"

"Can I do what?"

"Read in Russian."

The genius lowered his gaze to the table, catching a glimpse of JJ in his peripheral vision, also staring at the table.

In spite of the risk, Reid could be nothing but unfailingly honest. "I can read in a number of languages, including Russian. But I'm not fluent in them. I'm not really fluent in anything but English."

Morgan wasn't privy to the other agencies' interest in his 'little brother', but he also wasn't a fool. He read the situation like the veteran profiler he was.

"He's right about that! Trust me, Hirsch, you don't want to hear my boy here mangle any language but English. Sometimes, I'm not even sure he's fluent in _that_. He just throws around five or six syllables, and we all nod, like we know what he's talking about."

Kate, having playfully challenged Reid's intelligence once before, could only laugh.

"I found out the hard way that he _does_ know what he's talking about. It's just that _I_ don't."

Hotch knew his team needed the lighthearted break, but he also knew they had work to do. He brought the conversation back under control.

"All right. So, there's nothing on the video that would lead us to believe that Ramos had an accomplice."

Morgan nodded. "And no sign of a replacement, either. It looks like they're not trying to move any more of Kimura's bacteria strain out of the lab."

"Which means that, if Reid is right….and I think he is, they'll need to move quickly with what they already have," Hotch concluded. "Kate?" Calling on her next.

She'd been assigned to work with the teams monitoring the sites where the contaminated vaccine shipments had shown up.

"So, we had a bit of a breakthrough. We think we know which vaccine it is. The team in Boston found it. Their radiation tag was coming from only one set of packages."

"Which?" asked JJ, still thinking of the ones Henry had received a little over two years ago.

"The one that combines the vaccine for polio with the one for tetanus and whooping cough."

Reid had long since memorized everything to do with vaccines.

"Of course! It's only available to older kids. It can't be used in infants. No wonder it's been only the four and five year olds who have gotten sick from it."

"So, what do we do, then?" asked Kate. "If we hold back on delivering that one vaccine, they'll figure out that we know."

"Unless we put some kind of nationwide hold on it," offered JJ. "That happened once, when Henry was a baby. We'd have to come up with a reason, but Kimura could help us with that."

"Except that, to catch them, we need them to think their plan is in motion," reminded Rossi. "If we issue a recall, or even just a 'stop' order, they'll either know something's up, or they'll try to wait it out."

Hotch took it from there. "Let's think this through. We think the tagged vaccine is the last remaining contaminated vaccine out there, correct? Kimura told us the contaminant can't last long at the usual storage temperatures. We think the terrorists are aware of that, which was why they arranged for a constant supply of contaminant to be delivered from her lab."

Reid followed. "So, with the supply line cut by the death of Peter Ramos, they know they have a limited time to act, if they want to scare people by forcing a government announcement about the vaccine supply. If we publicly sideline the contaminated supply, it may force their hand."

"Yeah, we get that. But _how_?" Rossi sounded frustrated. "What would they do?"

Garcia was actually the one who responded. "Social media. Believe me, I do this for a living, as you all know. All that has to happen, if we issue a recall order, is for someone to post something on why they're suspicious of the reason for the recall. It would be pretty easy to get an anti-vaxxer to do that, I would think. And then it would go viral, and you'd have pandemonium."

Morgan wasn't so sure. "Not everybody believes what they read on line, Baby Girl. So what if someone is suspicious? Isn't that _always_ what happens? And then all the rest of the paranoia nuts get on the bandwagon. It doesn't mean the general public will be terrorized."

Reid's eyes were narrowed, evidence of his brain at work.

"No. But it might be something we can use."

"Explain." A one word order from Hotch.

"What if we had the CDC issue the recall, for some credible reason. Then we monitor the social media response, looking for the first mention of vaccine-related deaths."

Kate thought he was on to something. "Because only we and our perps know about the deaths. No one else knows they were vaccine-related."

"Exactly," said Reid. "I think we'll see speculation about contamination, because there always is. But mention of death….and especially if they mention the infections…. might lead us to our cell."

Morgan wasn't ready to concede. "I don't know that we should put all of our eggs into that basket. There are enough crazies out there, who knows what they'll speculate on."

Garcia agreed with her partner-in-flirting. "Yeah, I don't know either. I read all kinds of crazy stuff on line. I'm kind of the sacrificial social media lamb for our team, that way. I subject myself to it so the rest of you don't have to."

"And for that," pronounced Rossi, "we are very grateful. But we're also left without a strategy. So I'll go along with Reid's suggestion. We can certainly monitor social media for any attempts at incitement. But what do we do if they stay silent?"

"They _can't_ stay silent," countered Hotch. "This is the end of the line for this attempt at terror."

Sid Hirsch had been silent until this point, appreciating the team's approach to working together. But now he spoke up.

"There _have_ been failed attempts at terror before." Apparently finding a piece of information he _could_ share with the BAU. "When that's happened, they've simply slinked away and either tried another approach, or come back another day."

"And you think that might happen here?" The tone of Morgan's voice indicated his displeasure with the idea of the cell simply going dormant, and getting away with the deaths of children.

" _Anything_ might happen, Agent Morgan. That's why we need to consider as many strategies as possible, and move ahead with the one most likely to succeed. The BAU is helping us _most_ by getting us into the mindset of the terrorists. I suggest you work through an alternative plan and analyze _that_ from the terrorists' point of view as well."

"But what alternative do we have?" asked JJ. "To go ahead and deliver the contaminated vaccine? We can't let anyone actually use it."

Hotch looked to his resident genius. "How long would it take to replace the syringes with placebo?"

"There are approximately five thousand doses of contaminated vaccine between the two states. Assuming we can work with the manufacturer to match the syringes, the time it would take to fill that many, even if the manufacturer was willing to alter their production process….which would be time-consuming in itself….would probably take the better part of five days. Possibly longer. I don't think we can afford to wait that long."

"Nor do I," Hotch agreed. "So our choices are to hold the vaccine back, or to allow the deliveries, but intervene with the individual practices."

Morgan didn't like that. "I don't think we can assume the practices are safe. For all we know, the cell has people implanted in some of them. We just can't know which." Then, turning to Reid again, adding, "Can we?"

"I don't know. I only took the algorithm out as far as the state capitals and their Departments of Public Health. I suppose I could look at it again, and try to extend the algorithm within the states. But that will take time, and, frankly, I don't know that our perpetrators would have thought it out as well as I will. So I suspect they've picked practices at random."

They were all frustrated, and had each, unknown to the rest, pinned their hopes on Reid being able to pinpoint the precise populations of children at risk. So they were each heartened to hear him add to his comments.

"Unless…. Garcia, can you look at recent hires to all of the practices in question? I know there are a lot, but…"

She was already out of her seat. "Say no more, Boy Wonder. But I'll need my full army of electronics for this. Off to my lair."

Before she could leave, Reid issued another request. "And can you cross reference any new or current employees with known anti-vaccine programs or literature. It will be an even bigger task, but…."

"On it." She waved at them over her shoulder. "Oh, I love when they give me something to doooo…"

* * *

 _Nine-thirty._

Reid pulled himself up out of his reading chair. He'd gotten in a couple of good hours, but it was time to exchange the mental exercise for the physical.

He changed into a pair of the running shorts his PT had harassed him into buying, and an oversized T shirt, laced up his finally-broken-in running shoes, and headed out the door. Thought better of it, and came back in to stuff a towel and a change of clothes into his go bag.

 _Just in case._

He headed over to JJ's with the vaccine dilemma still active in his brain. Garcia had provided him the lists in question, but they were extensive, and he would have to spend a good part of his weekend going through them.

 _At least_ they _have to take the weekend off._ They all felt certain there would be no contaminated vaccine exposure during non-work hours.

For now, they'd decided not to interrupt the flow of vaccine. But that meant that they were under pressure to profile the practices, and identify anyone in collusion with the terrorists, if they were to keep safe the children receiving vaccines from those practices. They could slow things down by a day, maximum, without raising suspicion. So that meant they had to finalize their strategy by Monday afternoon.

 _I'll just let her torture me for a little while, then I'll head back and get to work_ _._

* * *

Arriving at JJ's, Reid was surprised not to hear the thudding of little feet after he rang the bell. He was even more surprised when it was JJ, and not Henry, who flung the door open.

"Hey, Spence."

"Hi." Getting right to it. "Where's Henry?" Worried that the broken arm was somehow bothering him. Or the broken family.

"He's with Will. He was kind of insistent on having the first weekend, and I decided there would be bigger battles to fight, so…."

"So. I guess that's a good compromise. It must feel strange, though. Doesn't it?" It certainly had felt strange to him, not to be greeted by Henry's eager face.

JJ stood aside as Reid preceded her down the hallway.

"I'll tell you, Spence…..if I _ever_ complain again about not having time to myself…..just shoot me."

"A little too quiet, is it?"

"Oh, my God, it's like a funeral home. I mean, I used to _dream_ about taking an uninterrupted bath, or being able to read a book for more than ten minutes at a time. But….now…."

They'd reached the kitchen, without even discussing their destination. Because it was _always_ the kitchen.

"Now you can't wait to be able to say, 'Henry, can you keep it down to a low roar?'"

She laughed. "You have me pegged. Your godson, too, it seems."

"I miss him, too. It will be strange, arranging our outings around this new schedule."

When she didn't immediately respond, he feared he'd said the wrong thing. He knew she was still sensitive about all of it. He just couldn't tell quite how gaping the wound was.

"JJ…"

"It's all right. It's just going to take some getting used to, is all." She sniffled, and then looked annoyed with herself for having done so. When she spoke, her voice was steady.

"I guess the plus side is that it gives us time to get you in shape. Right?"

He squinted at her. "JJ, can you describe exactly what 'getting me in shape' means to you?"

Deliberately shaking his hands, showing his trepidation.

She laughed, as he'd intended.

"Fear not. But lace up. I'll have you running right out of those." Looking down at his untied shoes.

"Oh, yeah. I was in kind of a hurry." He knelt to tie them, and it brought back the image of JJ tying Henry's shoes, before the trip to the museum.

 _Was that just a week ago? It seems like forever._

He stood. "All set. I think." Reconsidered. "I hope."

Again a laugh. "Spence, I'm not planning to put you out of commission. I just want to… _accelerate_ …..your getting better."

She breezed by him, tapping his chest and motioning him to follow her. Once outside, she surprised him by setting off at a comfortable walk.

After a couple of blocks at that pace, he couldn't restrain his curiosity. "This is what you had in mind?"

"Sort of. But also this."

And she took off at a moderate trot, looking back to indicate that she expected him to join her.

Reid nodded knowingly. "Ah, the old bait and switch." He ran up to meet her and loped along beside her easily.

JJ was impressed. His training sessions seemed to be paying off. He'd lost that awkward gait that sometimes appeared when he ran, and he didn't seem to have any difficulty keeping up with her.

She looked at him with approval. "Not bad, Dr. Reid. Maybe your PT is paying off."

"Yep." Still speaking easily.

"Um-hmm. Okay. Let's see how far it's gotten youuuu…."

The sound of her last word trailed behind as she launched into a full sprint.

 _Ugh._

But he followed suit, his long stride making up for some of his slower pace. JJ turned back to check on him, a little concerned that she might have pushed him too far, too soon, with interval running. When she did, her eyes widened in uncensored surprise.

The early June sun was strong at mid-morning. Reid's oversized T shirt was no longer flapping in the breeze. It was plastered to his chest by a combination of sweat and speed. And it outlined something she hadn't realized was under there. Which caused her to also take note of the arms that were pumping furiously.

 _Wow! When did that happen?_

She'd seen him moderately buffed before, an inadvertent, but welcome, consequence to his long sojourn on crutches. But she'd not seen him _this_ buffed.

 _I think I'm liking that PT more and more._

Distracted, she'd slowed her pace, and he'd nearly caught up with her.

"J…..J…." Not so easy for him to talk now.

She took stock before she decided to push him further. "Come on, just a few blocks like this, then we'll jog again. You can make it!"

She sped ahead, and he followed in close pursuit.

Reid had gotten up to a nice, long jog on the treadmill during his PT sessions, but Laura had never put him through sprints. He was just beginning to rethink his impression of JJ as his loving best friend, when something happened. The tension in his arms and legs eased, and the breeze felt wonderful against his face, and the breath felt full in his chest, and he felt…. _exhilarated._

 _Aahh…_

He'd read articles, of course. And he knew there was controversy.

 _But I don't care if it's endorphins or serotonin. I just know that it feels good. It feels…..free._

He was almost sorry when she slowed to a jog, but he was also grateful for the chance to ease his breathing.

She jogged in place for a few steps, to let him catch up.

"You okay?" A bit breathless herself.

He could only nod. It would be another block before he could speak. JJ took advantage of her upper hand.

"You look like you've been doing more than running on a treadmill, Dr. Reid," she teased, squeezing his biceps as they kept pace with one another. She was minorly disappointed that he was already red in the face, so she couldn't watch the blush ascend. "It looks like your friend Laura is trying to help you give Morgan a run for his money."

He couldn't quite use his words yet, but that didn't keep him from giving her a look.

"What, I wasn't supposed to notice?"

"Not… _for_ ….that." Slowly regaining the power of speech.

"Not for what?"

"Supposed…..help me….breathe….better."

She squinted at him. "How…. Oh, I get it. You're working _out_ to build up _inside_. This," squeezing his arm once again, "is just a side effect?"

"Yes," he huffed.

JJ took pity on him and slowed their pace to a fast walk.

"Well, this particular side effect looks good on you. I think it will have to go into your new profile."

"Profile?"

"Yeah. The one I told you I was going to put up on datemybestfrienddotcom. Remember? The day you told me about Stephanie?"

"JJ, I thought you were kidding!"

She laughed. "Was I?" Then broke back into her jog. "Come on, Spence, round two!"

* * *

"Good thing you brought those." JJ acknowledged Reid's change of clothes as he came into the kitchen. "Will left a few things behind, but I don't think they would have fit you."

He ran his fingers a few times through his wet mop of hair, his homage to combing it.

"I almost didn't. But then I remembered that you had that look of 'Tess the Torturer' on your face when you came up with this idea, and I thought I might need them."

Her laugh was uneasy. "Did I?"

"What, torture me?" He considered letting her squirm for a second. But it was JJ, and he couldn't. "No. I probably needed it. If you think about it, it's more like what happens on the job, anyway. Our unsubs don't exactly take off at a steady jog."

Her relief showed in the return of her full smile. "Oh, good. And you're right."

He wasn't done. "In fact, for a few minutes there, it felt…..good. _Really_ good. Which made me wonder if I had died." Not quite done with his teasing, either.

"Now you know why _I_ run. I probably move enough to stay in shape just picking up after Henry. But I _run_ , because it makes me feel _free_."

That struck a chord with Reid. She'd always been a runner, ever since he'd known her. But she'd become a _fanatical_ runner five or six years ago. He'd realized she was pounding something out on the pavement, but never quite understood why she chose to work it out physically instead of verbally. Until today.

"That's kind of what happened to me, today. Don't tell Morgan, but I think there might be something to this physical exercise stuff."

She chuckled. "I hope you mean that, because I was serious. Every Saturday that we're in town, we'll do intervals. I'm going to do my best to get you in shape. Although, I have to admit, Laura isn't doing a bad job of it."

She made a show of eyeing his biceps once again.

Uncomfortable, he changed the subject. "Is that lunch for two I see you're preparing?"

"Just sandwiches and salad. I don't know about you, but I'm starved."

Reid knew his way around the LaMontagne kitchen. He found the silverware and napkins, and set places for them at the table.

"Equally starved, and it looks great."

For the next twenty minutes, conversation was light. When they'd had their fill, Reid helped JJ clear the dishes.

"Was there something special about that sandwich? Because I can't remember ever having had one that tasted that good."

"You've just never been that hungry before. Thanks for helping clean up."

"Of course."

"I think I might have to add that to the profile: 'Appreciates your cooking, and does the dishes afterward'."

He gave her a look. "We're back to that, are we? What if _I_ decided to write a profile for _you_?"

She feigned confusion. "What do you mean?" But she would, after all, be single again one day. Which made her curious. "What would you say?"

He'd only been teasing her, but her question made him think. He dried his hands as he leaned against the counter.

"Well…..I guess it would go something like this…" Then, remembering, "Oh….wait, we need a fake name, right? Wasn't I 'Arthur'?"

She blushed, caught out. "Yes. But only because you're always so gallant. I think _you_ should pick my name. You're my best friend, right? It should be something _you_ think fits."

Reid stroked his chin, pondering. Ever so briefly, a look of surprise crossed his face. Whatever brought it on, he seemed to recover quickly, and resumed his task.

"Hmm….no….maybe... ah." He looked at her, satisfied with his choice. "Grace."

"Grace?" It was true she'd taken some dance lessons as a young girl, but…Grace?

"It's the more commonly known form of Grania. She was an Irish warrior queen who did battle with no less than Elizabeth the First…and won."

JJ nodded approvingly. "Okay, I can go with that. What else?"

"All right. I would say, "Meet my best friend, Grace. She's beautiful, and smart, and strong, and brave. Also messy. Oh, and she's a little bit stubborn…well, actually she's very stubborn…."

"Hey! You're supposed to be getting guys to _want_ to date me."

"You didn't let me finish, JJ. I was going to say that 'she's very stubborn, but it's part of what I love about her, because I don't know that I would still be here if she wasn't. She didn't give up on me when I was ready to give up on myself. And she's never given up on my friendship, no matter what."

Then, realizing he'd almost forgotten it was an exercise, he ended it with, "And she loves junk food."

The attempt at humor hadn't distracted her. She was stuck on the whole explanation of 'stubborn'.

"Well, if _your_ best friend is stubborn, _my_ best friend is equally so. Because he's stood by me through so very many things, even when it put his own life in danger. And _I_ wouldn't still be here if _he_ wasn't."

Emotion filled the space between them, her words floating on it, as they looked their affection to one another for a long moment. Then Reid broke the silence.

"I..…I should get going. I need to see if I can get more specific with the algorithm…you know, down to the individual practices. I don't really think it's possible, but I promised Hotch I would give it a try."

"Okay, of course. Thanks for coming over."

"I should be thanking you. Well, not for nearly killing me. But _lunch_ was good."

She pushed him down the hall playfully. "You! See you Monday. We're back to DHS, right?"

"Yeah, I think we're splitting the week between there and NSA….unless something breaks."

"Please God, let's hope so."

* * *

As she watched Reid pull away, JJ couldn't help but remember that moment in the kitchen. And she thought back to his 'profile' of her.

 _Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a guy who really saw me that way? Someone who would be able to love me, warts and all?_

Then the little observer inside her brain made its presence known.

 _You do._

##########

As he drove back to his apartment, Reid's mind replayed the moment as well. And he relived the whole exchange about JJ's profile.

 _I meant every word I said. Except for the name. Grace O'Malley was everything I said she was. But hers wasn't the_ first _name that came to mind when I thought about JJ. That name belonged to_ another _Irish warrior queen._

Maeve.

* * *

 _ **A.N. The site is running its annual Profilers' Choice Awards, and I'm humbled to say that some of you were kind enough to nominate me, and a bunch of my stories, in various categories. It brings me great joy to know that you love reading what I love to write!**_

 _ **There are limits as to how many stories, and how many categories, one author can be involved with. So, I thank those of you who nominated this story, And When I Wake, (I chose Before I Sleep because it was completed), Knight Fall, The Night(mare) Watch, and Scab. Sadly, there wasn't room for them on the ballot. But I was glad to know you liked them that much!**_


	45. Chapter 45

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 45**

"I'm sorry, Hotch." Reid sounded dejected. "There was just nothing obvious. Garcia gave me everything she possibly could. I even had her run background on thirteen of them. But I couldn't make anything of it."

"It's not your fault, Pretty Boy. There's no one else who could even have looked at all of that. If _you_ couldn't see it, there was nothing there to be seen."

"Maybe it's not even the same strain." Kate tried to be encouraging.

It was Friday, and they'd learned just yesterday that another four year old had been diagnosed with pneumococcal meningitis. Kimura had been in phone contact with the doctors at Boston Children's just before she joined the BAU team's meeting.

"I'm going to need to go up there to examine the specimens myself, and bring them back to our lab. It's not necessarily our strain, Spencer," also trying to be encouraging. "A hospital this size serves such a large population of children that it's normal for them to have at least a few cases of meningitis per year."

"Then why…." Started JJ.

Kimura anticipated the question. "Because of the rapidity of the course. The child went to preschool Wednesday morning, and was in the emergency department by Wednesday evening. It's not unheard of, but there's often some sort of prodrome, even if parents might not recognize it at the time. This time, it looked like it went rapidly from the blood to the spinal fluid, which has been typical of our strain."

Rossi wanted clarification. "Are you saying it's not necessarily so? That it can be that rapid in other circumstances as well?"

Kimura nodded. "A variety of them. It might be the child's anatomy, or their immune system. Or it might even be due to a wild-type mutation, meaning one we didn't cause in the lab. That's why I need to look into it myself."

Morgan remembered the last time Kimura had traveled to pick up a sample. "Doc, are you sure you don't need somebody to go with you?"

Hotch answered in her place. "Dr. Kimura will be accompanied at all times, by agents from the Boston office."

JJ sent an approving glance in Hotch's direction, then looked to Reid, expecting to see him doing the same. But he wasn't. His gaze was fixed to the file folder in front of him. From the stillness of his eyes, and that of his fingers, she knew he wasn't reading. He was simply staring.

 _He thinks it's his fault. Ah, Spence, why do you always assume the burden of responsibility for everything?_

It was a rhetorical question. She knew the reason. He'd told her long ago. As a boy, his mother had ingrained it in him. He was gifted, and he must use his gifts for the benefit of others. His superior intelligence demanded superior product. It was why, when all the rest resigned themselves to their inability to understand, let along predict, the actions of an unsub, Reid's response to the same situation was nearly always ' _I should have'_. It was _also_ why she so inclined to think of him as noble, and gallant.

 _Arthur. Maybe I should have called him 'Galahad'._

They hadn't been serious, last weekend. Not about actually submitting the profiles, anyway. But there _had_ been that moment. That one moment had stuck with each of them. Separately. Not forgotten, but also not discussed. Nor would it be.

 _Especially not now. Thank God he hasn't asked about the attorney. But, even if he does…..I can't tell him. I just need to do what I need to do. He doesn't need to know why._

She'd managed to evade the subject all week, because they were both too involved in the intense search for the people responsible for contaminating the vaccines. That it had ended in failure was painful to all of them, especially because of the possibility that yet another child had fallen victim.

But that didn't mean she'd been able to avoid her own ruminations on it. In fact, she'd slept only when utter exhaustion closed her eyes. She'd been given an impossible choice to make, and the last person she could discuss it with was her best friend.

 _There would be no point to it, anyway. I already know what he'd say. No, this is one I have to take care of on my own._

A sense of guilt plagued her, that the downturn in the case should have afforded her some relief from his curiosity. He'd been intensely focused, frustrated at his inability to find what he was looking for, despite his foretelling of exactly that. She'd spent much of the week trying to keep him calm.

"Take a break, Spence. You need to give your eyes a rest, if nothing else. Come on, let's get some air. And some decent coffee."

She'd virtually pushed him outside, and the two of them instinctively headed to the coffee shop. Despite the renovations to the DHS building, they apparently hadn't invested in quality coffeemakers.

Over the past two weeks, they'd each desensitized a bit to being in the vicinity of the bus explosion. But the café was immediately beside the dry cleaning shop where they'd sought shelter from the hanta-laden powder, and being that close resurrected memories that had never fallen all that deeply beneath the surface. As Reid held the door for her to enter the café, JJ looked at the storefront next door, and then up to him. His eyes were focused on the store window as well.

Brushing past him, JJ waited for him to catch up, as they got in line. She could feel the tension in him, and knew that not all of it was connected to the case. At least part of it was because he still felt like he'd contributed to her becoming infected, through his actions in the dry cleaners, no matter how often he'd been assured otherwise.

She moved in close to him, and put her hand on his back in a show of support, receiving a self-conscious smile in return. But it didn't feel like enough. So she put her arm around his waist, and felt his arm reflexively move around her shoulders. They managed a short hug before they reached the barista and placed their orders. The café was crowded….apparently none of the DHS workers appreciated their government-brewed coffee either…..so they took their drinks and strolled slowly back toward the office.

"You okay?" asked Reid.

She knew what he was talking about. "Better every day. It doesn't get to me like it did at the beginning." _Besides which, I've got plenty to distract me._ "How about you?"

"I'm good." Even if he hadn't been, just a few minutes ago. "I just wish I could break this case. Every day that passes is a day closer to when we might hear of another child who's become ill. It's frustrating. I know I told Hotch that I wasn't hopeful. And I meant that. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something. Something obvious."

"You can't own all of it, Spence. We're a team. It's not _you_ who hasn't solved it. It's _us._ _All_ of us."

Feeling as though they'd inadvertently laid the entire burden of the investigation on Reid. She'd been about to suggest they launch into a two-person back-and-forth, to see what might shake loose, when both of their cells sounded. It was Garcia, with the news Reid had been dreading. Another child was ill.

That had been yesterday. The guilt that had entered Reid's eyes at the news lingered still. As they left the meeting heading once again to DHS, JJ tried to encourage him.

"You heard Kimura, didn't you? It might just be one of the types of cases they see all the time. It might not even be from the contaminant."

"But she said there was suspicion, because of how aggressive the meningitis was."

"Suspicion isn't proof, Spence. And, even if it is, it isn't your fault. I know you know that, deep inside. Don't you?"

He shook his head. "The only thing I know is that I'm missing something. I can _feel_ it. Why can't I see it?"

She studied him for a little bit. "I think you need a break. And you're going to get one, tomorrow. It's Saturday, and you and I have a standing date at ten AM."

"JJ, I don't think…"

"Hush. You remember how it felt last week, don't you? You need to give your brain a break, Spence. Get a little physical exercise. I'll bet you haven't been to PT once this week. Am I right?"

"I didn't have time."

"Make time. Tomorrow morning. I promise you, it will help you think. And, besides, there's somebody who's been asking when his Uncle Spence is coming to visit."

He looked over at her, surprised at himself. "I almost forgot. It's your weekend, isn't it?"

He was going to have to keep Henry's schedule in mind when he accepted or declined his invitations to JJ's. If he didn't go this weekend, it would be another two weeks before he could see his little blonde buddy.

"All right. But only for a little while. I'll be there at ten."

* * *

"Hi, Uncle Spence! You look funny!" shouted the little unfiltered blonde.

Henry had never seen Reid in anything but long pants before. And, usually, a tie and a sweater vest.

Reid made a show of looking down his long legs to his running shoes. "Whatever do you mean?"

But he had to admit, his legs _were_ skinny, and his knees _were_ pretty knobby, and maybe the bandanna holding his hair in place was a bit much.

"Spence, hi, come on in!" JJ had stuck her head out of the kitchen to shout her greeting down the hallway. "I'm just finishing cleaning up from his majesty's breakfast."

The kitchen was only a few strides down the hall for Reid. "So late?"

"Mommy let me watch cartoons. Superman and Batman!"

"No Spiderman? And hey, by the way, where's your webslinger?" Henry's cast had been replaced.

"I don't need it anymore….I'm almost all better!"

"Well, that's great news! But I'm sorry about the webslinger."

"That's okay, Uncle Spence. Daddy said I can get a Bat-belt."

"What's a Bat-belt?"

"It's what Batman has for all his stuff. Don't you know Batman, Uncle Spence?"

"As a matter of fact, I do. Personally. I even met him once."

Little eyes as big as saucers. "You did?"

JJ watched in bemusement.

"Mm-hmm. It was at an amazing place called ComicCon. Maybe you can come with me some time."

Henry turned to his mother. "Can I, Mom? Can I? Maybe you can come with us." Turning back to his godfather. "Can Mommy come, too?"

Reid looked triumphantly at his godson's mother. "Sure. We can all go."

JJ could only bite her lip and shake her head. But there was laughter in her eyes.

"Little man, go and get your shoes on. And don't forget your bike helmet. And your pads."

Once they were alone, Reid asked, "He's riding?"

"The doctor said it was okay, now that he's got the short cast on. But we'll be keeping the training wheels for a good long while."

He smiled. "It's hard to let go, isn't it?"

Caught off guard, she felt her heart clutch, and she filled up almost at once. He couldn't have known, but his choice of words had struck a nerve that had been raw all week. JJ couldn't contain her response, but she didn't want him to see. So she moved to the pantry and pushed a few items around, pretending to be looking for something.

She could hide her face, but she couldn't hide her body language. Behind her, Reid noted the barely-suppressed show of upset.

 _What's this about? And why doesn't she want me to know?_

But he respected her privacy, and her right to choose to whether or not to tell him. So, instead of prying, he gave her the space she seemed to need, and went in search of his godson.

"Hey, Henry, which superhero is on your helmet?"

* * *

The run was a little less grueling this time, but equally exhilarating. And it came with its own comic relief, in the person of Henry, keeping pace with them on his bicycle.

"How come your face is all red, Uncle Spence?"

"Why is Mommy faster than you, Uncle Spence?"

"Look, Mommy, no hands!"

Followed immediately by a stereo rendition of "Henry!"

They lunched together again, and then Reid begged off. He wanted to get back to work. But he had a question to ask, first. He'd been thinking about it ever since realizing she was holding something back from him.

"So, how did it go with your attorney? Did she meet with Will's?"

He could almost watch her assemble her facial features.

 _Not so good at hiding your microexpressions when I'm expecting it._

But it told him that he'd found the right subject matter. The one least available to him.

"They met. And it's going. There's a court date in a few weeks."

"That long?"

"I guess there are a lot of us. Sadly."

"Is…" Wanting to ask if Will was behaving well with it, but feeling that it wasn't his place. So he revised his words. "Is Sarah confident she can help?"

"That's what I'm paying her for." Deflecting.

 _Okay, have it your way, for now. But I'm watching you. And I'll do whatever it takes to keep you and Henry from being hurt._

"Good. Well, I guess I'll see you on Monday. Thanks for the torture…and the lunch."

"Ha. Yeah, I'll see you on Monday. NSA, right? Should I pick you up after I drop Henry?"

"Deal."

"Spence?" She called to him through the screen door. "Make sure you get some rest. And relax a little, okay?"

"I will if you will."

* * *

Monday morning, and the ride to Fort Meade was taking place largely in silence. Kimura had returned from Boston with a sample of the spinal fluid of the latest meningitis patient. Over the weekend, she'd been able to confirm that the infection had, indeed, been caused by the contaminant developed in her lab.

She'd sounded dejected when Reid had spoken to her on the phone.

"I thought we were doing something good, and it's been used for evil."

"It's not your fault. You can't be responsible for what a terrorist cell has decided to do. Congressional committees notwithstanding."

"Ugh, please, I'm not looking forward to that, as I'm sure you'll understand. You and JJ have had more than your share of that experience."

"Tell me about it. Have they made it official yet, for you?" He only knew that she'd been summoned.

Her response was preceded by a huge sigh. "It was supposed to be next week. But current circumstances may change that."

"How?"

"It's been decided that we need to put out a nationwide recall on the vaccine. _That_ will raise concern all around. And we can be sure that the anti-vaccine movement will take full advantage, to frighten parents into refusing _all_ vaccines."

Unseen, Reid could only shake his head. "It's what they want…the terrorists. They want people to feel unsafe everywhere."

"They _will_ be unsafe everywhere, Spencer. Because, after we have a nation of unimmunized children, it won't take a mutated strain of anything to kill them. They'll begin dying of things we've long since thought we'd seen the last of."

"Vaccine-preventable illnesses. The organisms are still out there, aren't they?"

"They are. But there's something that frightens me more."

"What?"

"Once we have an unimmunized population, it would be fairly simple to cause an epidemic, should one so desire. There are samples of unmutated specimens virtually everywhere."

 _Of course._ It hadn't occurred to him, but she was right.

"So they don't have to release some sort of man-made biological pathogen at us. They can just help us die of things we aren't choosing to be immune to."

"Exactly."

That conversation was still echoing in Reid's mind as JJ drove them to Fort Meade. They'd just pulled into the parking area, when Reid broke the long silence between them.

"That's what they want."

Not having been privy to his inner machinations, JJ was lost. "What's what who wants?"

"It's what the terrorists want. Not just the terror. They want to lower our defenses. Biologically, I mean. They want to make our entire population susceptible, and not just to WMDs. To everything."

He waited until they were ensconced in their conference room before explaining what he meant, and recounting his conversation with Kimura.

The very idea caused her a shiver of disgust. "We can't let that happen, Spence. What kind of world would it be for Henry, or for _anybody's_ child?"

For almost anyone else, there would have been a delay between the auditory input and the verbal explosion that followed. Some time for processing, at least. But not for Reid.

JJ had barely gotten the words out, when he shouted, "That's it! That's what I couldn't see! JJ, you're a genius!"


	46. Chapter 46

_**A.N. Anyone still reading this…you're the best, and you have my sincere gratitude! I've been annoyingly (to me, as well) slow with updates to this story. My other obligations should ease (I hope!) for a little bit (and then, alas, resume), so I'm hoping to be more timely. Thanks for hangin** **g in there** **!**_

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 46**

"That's what I couldn't see, Hotch. I was wrong about being wrong. It turns out I was right!"

Normally, the unit chief could follow his resident genius, if he paid careful attention. But not today. And it didn't help that they were conducting their conversation via non-video conference call, so he didn't have the benefit of body language, either. The rest of the team was also listening in.

"Reid….explain, please."

With him at Fort Meade, JJ gestured to Reid to calm down. He'd already run the idea by her, and she thought he was right…..about being wrong. But they still needed to get the point across to the others.

Reid caught JJ's signal, and nodded apologetically.

"Sorry. What I was talking about was the original algorithm, where I narrowed it down to three prospective states. We found tagged vaccine at two of the state health departments, but it looked like I was wrong about the third one."

Hotch recounted some of the parameters. "You looked at population density, and the number and prestige of the children's hospitals in the areas."

"Right. So, while there was a sizeable second tier of possible locations, the three I chose stood out: Boston, Springfield, Illinois, which feeds Chicago, and Annapolis, Maryland, which feeds the hospitals in Baltimore and DC."

"But we didn't find any tagged vaccine in Annapolis." The tone in Hotch's voice indicated that he was beginning to catch on.

"Exactly!" responded his genius. "So I thought I might have messed up the algorithm. But something JJ said made me realize….the algorithm is right! The tagged vaccine should have gone to Annapolis. But it didn't, because…."

"Because they won't take a chance of hurting their own children." Hotch took a few seconds to let the implications play out in his head. "They're local. And they're not anti-vaccine in any way. They have their own families vaccinated, so they couldn't take the chance that contaminated vaccine could get into the local health departments."

Rossi's voice came over the phone. "Okay, so we profiled that this was largely a domestic terrorism effort. Now we think we can pinpoint them to…..where?"

JJ chimed in. "I think we need to look at Maryland, and go over the borders into the surrounding states, as well as DC. It's the Annapolis shipment of tagged vaccine that didn't arrive as expected, but parents choose their kids' doctors by preference, not by state lines."

"JJ's right," agreed Kate. "But I think they'd probably limit their travel time to thirty minutes."

Morgan's voice belied his frustration. "Thirty minutes' drive from each point along the border is an awfully big area to cover. Pretty Boy, can't you do anything with your maps?" Hoping to hear Reid say he could pull a rabbit out of his hat.

"Don't I wish. But I do think we have some parameters that might narrow things down. Most of these shipments are supposed to supply about a month's worth of vaccine. And the vaccine is only going to Maryland practices, no matter where the patients come from. Garcia, can you put together a list of practices that receive vaccine from the state health department in Annapolis? Once you have that, can you prepare a list of all four and five year olds scheduled to come in for vaccines in those practices in the next month?" Thinking better of it. "Make that six weeks, just to be safe."

"Can do! And I'll see what I can dig up on their families while I'm at it."

"That's great, Garcia," encouraged Reid, "but please send me the list as soon as you have it, even without the background."

"What are you going to do with it?" Rossi was genuinely curious.

"Look for a pattern. There's something I'm not quite seeing here. I mean, I think we're on the right track about the location. But, if they didn't want their kids at risk, why not just wait it out? Why divert the contaminated vaccine? It's the last batch. The risk is almost over."

"Because,…." came Hotch's voice, "….they didn't _know_ the risk would be over. Remember, this was an ongoing operation until they realized we were on to Peter Ramos. They _couldn't_ wait it out, because it didn't have an end date. The only thing they _could_ do was to divert the contaminated vaccine."

Morgan was on board with the whole thing now. "Baby Girl, look for anybody who's canceled and moved an appointment for a four year old from this month to….whenever."

" _Whenever_? Derek…"

"September, Garcia. Just look at reappointments until September. They'd be starting preschool then." JJ remembered the rush to get everything ready for Henry's first day, just a couple of years ago.

Reid directed his next question to Morgan. "Are you thinking that not all of them knew the vaccine had been diverted? That they moved the appointments because they didn't know they'd been saved from the contaminated vaccine?"

"Just playing all the cards in our hand, Pretty Boy."

* * *

They'd given Garcia quite a bit to do, and it was going to take some time. Hotch decided that JJ and Reid, already in Maryland, should stay put at Fort Meade until they had some results from the computer search.

Reid was glad for the directive, although he chose not to say why. Because he felt like he was making headway with the messages, both from DHS and the NSA. In a way that he'd always had trouble describing, even with his vast vocabulary, he could feel himself approaching a breakthrough. Some sort of turning point, maybe a way to finally pinpoint the leadership of the domestic terrorist network.

 _Well, the one working with the internationals, anyway. After reading some of these things, I get the feeling that there are too many small domestic cells to count. Good thing they tend to operate independently. If they managed to find one another and connect, we might be in even bigger trouble than we are._

But, while there were similarities among the small cells, there were also substantial enough differences in their philosophies that Reid felt assured they would never be able to coalesce.

 _Thank goodness for that!_

That feeling of being near a breakthrough made him want to keep working at his assigned task. But, if they resolved their involvement with the case, his access to the messages would end.

 _Unless I offer. But that would mean…._

It would mean leaving JJ when she was feeling her most vulnerable, and he simply couldn't do that. Never in his life could Reid have foreseen himself facing the dilemma of working to protect his country, in competition to being present to someone he loved. _That_ was the stuff of spies, and soldiers, and heroes…not of Spencer Reid.

 _But here I am, right in the middle of it. So I need to just power through as much of this as I can, while we're still here._

Which was why, although he was still aware of his best friend's keeping something from him, Reid decided he needed to let it go. If she hadn't told him by the time they were through with the case, he would push her on it. But, if she decided that she was ready to talk…..

 _I'll be there. I won't let you go through it alone, whatever it is._

'Whatever it is' was distracting Reid, however. He knew it must have something to do with the exchange between JJ's attorney and Will's, and he worried that the 'something' was the custody of Henry. But he couldn't quite figure out what, exactly, she would find so troubling.

 _They both have dangerous jobs. It's true that JJ's job involves travel, but Will's involves rotating shifts. Either way, each of them would need someone else to help take care of Henry. And at least JJ has her mother in town._

The answer to what was bothering JJ clearly wasn't going to present itself until or unless she decided to tell him. So the logical side of Reid took over, and he pushed away his worry, to focus on the work at hand.

* * *

Information trickled in by pieces over the next few days. Kimura helped with the vaccine distribution list, once Kate pointed out an obvious hole in it.

"I'm sure Meg has had a couple of immunizations at school. It was a life-saver…or, a schedule-saver, I guess….for me, because I was in the middle of a big case and just couldn't take the time away from work."

They were gathered at the BAU for the third morning in a row. All save JJ, Reid and Morgan, who had phoned in from the NSA. Hotch wanted to be sure he had agents positioned in Maryland as early in the day as possible, should they find definitive evidence of their terrorist cell. And, while he knew his two youngest might be insulted, he wanted a little 'muscle' with them. Reid was, after all, still taking physical therapy.

Garcia felt like she'd done something wrong. "I'm sorry! Reid asked me to get the names of the practices, and I never thought about schools, or…. What _else_ did I miss?" Unhappiness audible in her voice.

"It's not your fault, Garcia," assured her unit chief. "We get a little overly dependent on you, and tend to forget there are other sources of information."

Penelope Garcia, technical analyst and queen of all things electronic in the BAU, wasn't quite sure how to take that.

"But, sir, I _like_ that you depend on me. It makes me feel like I'm doing something. Especially when I see so many bad things….."

Rossi consoled her, after a fashion

"And we appreciate that, Penelope. You can do things that some people only dream of. But I'm old enough to remember the value of shoe leather. Contrary to popular belief, we _did_ manage to solve a few cases before the age of electronics."

"Hey, Baby Girl, don't you worry about it," Morgan chided over the phone. "You found the list, didn't you? And you found the appointments that were changed."

Reid followed up quickly. "It's my fault, Garcia. I didn't even think about schools and store-based clinics until Kimura mentioned them to me. Thank goodness she was able to go directly to the Maryland Department of Public Health. I should have thought of that in the first place."

"Bless you, my dear, sweet, Baby Genius. But I should have thought of it, too. At the very least, I should have thought about talking to Dr. Kimura."

Hotch interrupted the round of apologies.

"We have what we need now. Reid, keep at the NSA material. JJ and Morgan, Garcia is sending you the list. She'll update periodically as she runs background on each of the families. We'll be running it here as well. We're looking for patterns, or maybe for the disruption to a pattern. Be mindful that we might find them working through more than one location."

Morgan had a question. "Hotch, if we find them….what are we going to do? Charge them with being 'different'? I mean, what do we have, to connect them back to the vaccine contamination?"

His superior conceded the point. "Nothing, yet. But we can surveil them, and Garcia can run extended background on them. It's _possible_ we'll find the leadership here, but it's likely that we won't. We'll find the underlings. And they'll point us to the top."

* * *

Early in the day, with Morgan in the car, Reid had put any notion of quizzing JJ about the divorce attorney aside. It had been under two weeks since the process had begun, and only he and Hotch knew about it. The very private JJ simply wasn't ready to disclose her personal business to the rest of the team, no matter how much she valued them.

 _Maybe that's what it is, the thing that's bothering her. She's so proud, and she hates being pitied. Maybe she's upset with the idea of having to tell the rest of them. Maybe meeting with her attorney made it seem more real to her._

He'd volunteered to sit in the back, claiming that he wanted to read his current book as Morgan drove them to Fort Meade. But what he'd really wanted was for JJ to have a reprieve. He knew she enjoyed making small talk with Derek, and he knew, without knowing why, that she needed the distraction. Morgan was, after all, the only one of the team who could hold his own in discussing sports with her.

Reid went through a few pages of his book before looking up and seeing the smile on JJ's face as she refuted Morgan's statement about one of her favorite Redskins players. And he grinned when he heard her laugh at Morgan's reply.

 _Thank you, my friend._

* * *

They'd been at it all morning, and into the afternoon. Morgan tried to rub the fatigue from his eyes as he and JJ ran the list a third time. They'd recruited Reid for round two, hoping that he could see something that they could not. They'd given Garcia a few sets of parameters to run on the families involved, even as some of her other programs were still running her original inquiries.

Nothing.

Until all three of their phones sounded at once. The three exchanged a look, and then Morgan activated his phone, on speaker.

"You have all of us, Baby Girl. What is it?" Listening as he heard the others connect in as well.

"OMG! You won't believe this! I have eight programs running at once, looking at all of the parameters you guys gave me. And we've got something! Some _one,_ I mean! OMG, I can't believe this!"

"Garcia…" The stern, calming voice of their unit chief came through the phone. "What do you have?"

"Sir! I have an employer! Well, technically, it's not a current employer, because the guy is….well, he's dead. But his wife was apparently able to buy into his insurance. Or maybe they just gave it to her, to keep her quiet. I don't know, but …."

"Garcia!" Rossi's voice this time, carrying the tonal 'snap out of it!' "Who is the employer? And the employee….deceased or not?"

"Sorry, sirs! I'll get it together, I promise. So, one of our Maryland families is insured through the deceased husband's former employer…..a property holding firm called….."

Suddenly, they all knew. And they all recited it with her, at once.

"DTA."


	47. Chapter 47

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 47**

"DTA. Death to America. Isn't that what you thought the initials really meant, Pretty Boy?"

"It was only a guess, but I'm feeling more confident with it, now." Reid directed his next words toward the phone. "Garcia, what's his name? And how did he die?"

" _When_ did he die?" added JJ.

"His name was Andrew Jackson, like the …you know, the president….. and he left behind his wife, Shawna, and their two kids, when he died…just…. okay, when he died in a single vehicle accident on November 29 of last year."

Rossi's voice. "Not six weeks after we broke the case."

Morgan remarked, "Single vehicle accident….might have been a set up."

"Or a suicide," added Kate.

Reid wanted more information. "Do we know what he did for DTA, Garcia?"

"He was a property manager. Although it looks like he also did a little property selling, too."

Hotch's tone was urgent. " _Where_ , Garcia? Where were his properties located?"

"His family still lives in their home in Chevy Chase. He managed couple of rental homes there, but most of his properties were in Gaithersburg."

Rossi whistled. "Neither of them are more than fifteen or twenty minutes from Bethesda. Most of our top government officials get their health care there."

Hotch, sitting across from him at the BAU, nodded. "So do a host of uniformed service members. It would be a simple thing for them to slip in among the masses."

Miles away, Reid remembered how DTA tended to work its way into a neighborhood, and then start recruiting the disillusioned. Could that have happened here?

"Garcia, look at the current residents at each property he was affiliated with. In fact, go back to September. It's possible it was something about one of them that got him killed."

"I can see the wheels turning, and I'm not even there. What are you thinking, my young genius?" asked Rossi.

"I'm thinking we may have found our cell."

* * *

At the BAU, Rossi listened in as Hotch placed a secure call to Sid Hirsch. The unit chief updated their DHS contact, and then asked the question on the minds of each BAU member.

"We bowed out of the case last year after we uncovered the DHS mole. We _gave_ the department our profile of DTA. Now we find they're still in operation, and may be central to yet _another_ attempt at terrorizing our citizens. How is that possible?"

Rossi wished they were meeting in person. He'd formed enough of a relationship with Hirsch that he might have been able to wrangle the truth from him. At the very least, he would be able to read his body language, and assess the veracity of his words. It wasn't that they hadn't formed a level of true trust. Rossi had simply been around too long not to understand the pressures his new friend and colleague might be under.

There was a long pause before they heard Sid's voice, as though he was deciding what he could and couldn't say. Rossi detected just a slight tone of regret, when his friend finally started to speak.

"All I can tell you is that a decision was made to perform high level surveillance on them."

Rossi translated. "You mean, they decided to let them continue to operate so they could follow the money."

Without confirming, Hirsch replied, "They can't stay in operation without support. So it's important that we be able to identify that support."

Hotch was willing to concede the point. "All right, I understand the strategy. But who's been watching them on the ground? Who's monitoring their activities while DHS watches their finances?"

"NSA has been intercepting their communications. As to the up-close-and-personal….I believe it's been _your_ organization."

The two BAU members shared a look. Either they'd followed Reid and Garcia down the wrong path, or their FBI colleagues had missed some major, and highly dangerous, terrorist activities.

All Hotch knew in the moment was what he said to Sid Hirsch.

"We need a meeting."

* * *

At the end of the day, they'd been told to stand down. Hotch's directive had been abrupt, and without explanation.

"We'll convene at the BAU at 9 tomorrow morning. All of us."

Meaning that there would be no outposting of BAU agents in Maryland. Not tomorrow, anyway. His tone told them it was best not to ask questions.

"Guess that means we can head on back now," suggested Morgan.

"Just let me finish this one thing, all right?" Reid was feeling the urgency of his task more than ever.

Morgan almost regretted agreeing when he saw the size of the pile representing Reid's 'one thing', but then he remembered who was reading through it. Doing a quick calculation of the number of words, then allowing time for translating into English and decoding the meeting, he asked, "Twenty minutes enough?"

"Eighteen point four," came the absent-minded response, as the speed-reading genius pored over his work.

Morgan threw JJ a look, and she smiled in acknowledgement of their friend's idiosyncracy. She signaled Morgan to follow her out of the room.

"He'll get through it faster if we're not there."

"Faster than 'eighteen point four minutes'?"

She laughed. "Maybe he'll get down to seventeen, who knows? Let's get some coffee for the trip back. If we leave in twenty minutes, we should be just behind rush hour."

"What if we took a little detour?"

JJ eyed him. "You want to go by Gaithersburg." A statement, not a question.

"Just a quick drive by, to check out the area. We'll stay away from the actual addresses."

She thought about it. "I guess it can't hurt. But we should run it by Spence. Hotch, too. Who knows what they made him promise at that meeting with the other agencies today?"

"Yeah, he didn't exactly sound happy. Okay, you get the coffee, I'll call Hotch, and we should be back to pick up Reid in…." He made a show of looking at his watch. "….Fourteen point three minutes."

* * *

It turned out to be more than a little detour. Passing through Gaithersburg would add over an hour to their commute.

"I don't know. JJ, what about Henry?" Reid didn't want her sacrificing her time with her son, now that it was limited.

"I called before, while Morgan was talking with Hotch. Mom will pick him up from Karen's and take him home. She's been wanting a little time with him anyway."

Reid smiled, placated. "I can see why."

"How is the little guy?" asked Morgan. "Is his arm all better yet?"

"Almost. He's just got a short arm cast, and that will be off in two weeks, if it lasts that long."

Morgan chuckled. "A little rough on it, is he?"

"You could say that."

Morgan drove along in silence for a moment. When he spoke again, the others realized he'd been visiting a memory.

"I had a cast one time, when I was eight. Fell off a skateboard." He turned quickly and threw a look at Reid in the back seat. "And I don't want to be hearing anything about my balance and coordination."

Reid tried, and failed, to look innocent. "Why are you talking to me?"

"Never mind. Like I was saying, I broke my left arm when I was eight. I thought it was gonna make me miss all of baseball season, and I was miserable. I even tried to wriggle the damn thing off. But my father saw it all, and he took me aside, and said, 'All good things come to those who are patient.'" The profiler chuckled. "It might have been the only time in my life that I've been patient, but it worked. Every time I have one of those little twinges, like with the weather, you know? I think of my old man."

The others received his words silently, each of their thoughts turned in several directions at once. Each thought of their own fathers, one with fondness, and longing, the other, with contempt, surprisingly tinged with its own kind of longing. JJ's thoughts then went to her husband, and his relationship with their son. Reid's mind went in the same direction, wondering about the effect of the separation and divorce on Henry.

And then, without either of them speaking about it, both sets of thoughts settled on the relationship between the littlest LaMontagne and his beloved godfather.

JJ turned a bit in her seat and looked at Reid as though seeking advice. Which he gave, by nodding. It seemed to flow naturally from the thoughts they'd both had, though it might have seemed like a non-sequitur to Morgan.

"Derek," JJ began, "there's something I should probably tell you."

As she explained about the status of her marriage, Morgan looked over and then flashed a glance into the back seat. He blew a short whistle through his lips.

"Whoa, JJ. I'm sorry. I didn't know." Thinking on it a bit. "I didn't mean anything…before, you know. When I was talking about my father."

"Understood. I haven't told the others yet, so…"

"My lips are sealed until you unseal them."

She gave him a sad smile. "Thanks."

Soon after, a highway sign told them they were approaching Gaithersburg. JJ poked at her screen for a bit, and then read some information from her cell phone.

"It's a growing city, now considered a suburb of DC, and it looks like it's attracted a number of high-tech companies."

That got the men's interest. "High tech, as in what?" asked Morgan.

JJ spent a few minutes reading. "Well, the most interesting one is a company called PharmVac."

Morgan's brows went up. "'Vac' as in vaccine?"

JJ scanned the screen of her phone and then turned and handed it to Reid. "I think we need your vocabulary."

He took the device from her and squinted as he advanced the too-small print.

"It looks like they make a number of biological products. Including a monoclonal antibody used to prevent infections in infants."

JJ was surprised not to be familiar with it. "Would Henry have gotten that?"

Before Reid could answer, Morgan inserted, "I'm waiting to hear what a monoclonal antibody is."

The genius answered in reverse order. "A monoclonal antibody is just what it sounds like. An antibody directed at a single antigen….germ." Clarifying. "And no, Henry wouldn't have had it. It's only for babies who were born prematurely."

"Oh, okay. What else do they make?"

Reid consulted the phone again. Then, with some concern in his voice, he told them. "They also make the nasal form of the flu vaccine."

JJ turned to him, not understanding the reason for his reaction. Before she could ask, he explained, "It's a live virus."

Morgan looked at his friend in the rear-view mirror.

"Meaning what?"

"It's a low dose of the virus, so people with healthy immune systems can't get sick from it. But people with suppressed immune systems...which includes young infants and older adults...they _can_ get sick. That's why there are limitations on who can get it. It's only for healthy younger adults and kids out of infancy."

JJ nodded in understanding. "That's right. I remember Kimura telling us that we shouldn't get it this year, because of….you know….what happened. She said it would _probably_ be all right, but she didn't want to take the chance with our immune systems."

"Guys, I don't want to sound alarmist, or anything. But, think about it. If you want to weaken your enemy, you go after his strong points, don't you? In this case, one of those 'strong points' is our healthy population. What if our terrorist cell is working in the biological pharmaceutical industry? What if part of their plan is to increase the amount or the virulence of the virus in the vaccine?"

Reid's question was met with a prolonged silence as the others absorbed the concept. Morgan was the first to recover his voice.

"Did you see anything that might point to that in the transmissions you looked at? Encoded, maybe?"

Reid could only shake his head in disgust. "I was looking in the wrong direction. Anything that looked remotely vaccine-related, I attributed to the pneumococcal contamination. I _should_ have seen it. I should have realized about _why_ the tagged shipment was missing. We've lost almost a full week because of that."

JJ's eyes met Morgan's. They'd both seen Reid like this before, and knew it didn't help to assure him that he hadn't failed. They'd each tried, in the past, only to be met with, 'But _I_ should have."

JJ knew better than any of her colleagues how sincerely Reid meant that. She knew he was acutely aware that he would never have become a part of the FBI in any capacity if not for his superior intellect. They'd talked about it many times, he bemoaning his perceived failure, she unsuccessfully trying to boost his confidence. She could easily replay those conversations in her mind.

" _I don't bring anything else to the table, JJ. It's my mind they want. When it doesn't deliver, I've failed in my role."_

" _Spence," she said, "no one gets it right all the time. Not even you. Don't you think Morgan gets frustrated when somebody outruns him? Or, remember that time he tried to kick in the door and couldn't?" Thinking to cheer him up with the comparison._

" _It was barricaded, JJ. No one could have kicked it in."_

" _Exactly. And our unsubs don't exactly go out of their way to make themselves easy to understand. What about that guy….that professor? Remember? It you who figured out about the ….the what, the Versace number?" Purposely getting it wrong. She'd been on maternity leave, but Garcia had called her right way. 'Listen to what our baby genius did today!'_

 _And he laughed. "Fibronacci. The Fibronacci Sequence. But that's exactly my point. That's what I'm on the team for."_

" _And you came through. But no one has a perfect batting average, Spence. You're from Vegas, you know how to play the odds. If I were a betting woman, I'd bet on you, every time."_

" _You are a betting woman. You bet on the Redskins."_

" _Doesn't count. And stop trying to change the subject. The point is, you do your best, and way more often than anyone has a right to expect, it works. Just be proud of it. I know I am."_

He'd given her his sweet, 'unworthy' half-smile, and they'd moved on to another subject.

Today, in Morgan's SUV, she just looked at him with knowing eyes, as their friend made a call.

"Hey, Mama."

"Hello, Tarksome."

"Tarksome?"

He shouldn't have asked. Because, as it turned out, he really didn't want to know.

"Tarksome! It's what all the kids do with their names these days. Tarksome is short for 'tall, dark and handsome. Like 'Beenius' would be short for Baby Genius."

Morgan flashed a look at his colleague in the front seat. _Has she finally gone crazy?_

JJ was unable to suppress a chuckle. Until she heard her own new title.

"And BayJay…..you know, short for Beautiful JJ."

Now it was JJ's turn to scowl, and Reid's to smile. Seeing it, JJ forgave Garcia the silliness.

 _At least she took Spence's mind off his phantom failure for a minute._

They heard giggling on the other end of the phone, followed by a new voice.

"Sorry, guys. I was just telling Penelope about Meg and her friends. I swear, I don't know anyone's real name, because every last one of them has a nickname-most of them made up this way."

Morgan was only slightly amused. "All right, then, BamaGirl….. I have a job for you."

"BamaGirl-I get it! Mama and Baby Girl! Derek, you're good at this!"

"Garcia, I'm trying to be good at catching these bastards. You think it's possible you can help me with that?"

"Sorry, go ahead." Sheepish.

"All right. Listen, I need you to look at everybody who works at PharmVac. It's a pharmaceutical company located in Gaithersburg."

"Biological pharmaceuticals, Garcia," added Reid. "They make vaccines, among other products."

They could all hear the tapping of keys even as she spoke to them.

"Are we thinking they're the site where the contamination is happening?"

Reid responded. "They don't actually make _that_ vaccine, Garcia. We're interested in them for another reason." Which he explained, in too much detail. So JJ interpreted for her colleagues on the other end of the phone.

"We're worried that they might have a vehicle to make a good portion of our healthy population sick."

There was concern in Kate's voice. "I think Meg had that vaccine."

"Don't worry, Kate," assured Reid. "If I'm reading their behavior correctly, I think they're not ready for action yet. They used the kids' vaccine to test whether contamination could work. And they continued with it to prove the point that they could hurt us, greatly, if they wanted to. But I don't think they're quite ready to pull if off."

"And we don't want to give them the means for that. So we need to know who works at PharmVac, and anything else you can tell us about them. You got that Mama?"

"On it. Garcia out. Oh, and Kate."

* * *

They'd phoned their concerns in to Hotch and Rossi as well, and cruised Gaithersburg for a while. Eventually, they stopped for food at a small restaurant, having eschewed the many fast food chains in town, at Reid's behest.

"Talk about ways to take out the public. All they have to do is contaminate a single ingredient at a couple of supply chain points, and 'bam!', we're done."

JJ's brows went up. "Boy, you're a bundle of joy today. Suddenly, I have to worry about vaccines _and_ food? Thanks, Spence." Adding, "You do know that your godson _lives_ for fast food, don't you? He would live _on_ it, if I let him. But I manage to keep it to once or twice a month."

Even as she spoke, JJ was suddenly hit with memories of those times she'd shared a meal of chicken nuggets with the two men in her family. Along with the images of a smiling Will and Henry, she saw something else. Something that had always been in the background, somethingshe'd never really paid attention to, at the time. She saw fathers and sons, and fathers and daughters, dining alone. Smiles, but no laughter. Missing the other halves of their families.

 _That's Henry's future. He'll be there with me, or with Will, and wondering why he's not there with both of us. Not exactly a 'happy meal'._

It had all flashed through her mind….and over her face…. in a matter of seconds, before she forced herself back into the conversation. But it hadn't gone unnoticed. Just uncommented.

* * *

They'd dropped their female colleague off first, and now Morgan was transporting Reid home.

"Is JJ all right? I mean, it's got to be hard for her, right?"

As close as he was with Morgan, and as much as he knew his friend also cared for JJ, Reid didn't feel comfortable disclosing any of what she'd shared with him. The thought of which reminded him, once again, that she actually hadn't shared all that much.

 _Not about this. But it's obvious she's hurting. I've given her time, but time doesn't seem to be helping. Should I push? Is it time? Or should I just be present?_

Thinking that maybe he would call her tonight, even though they'd just left her. Just to do that. Just to be present.

To Morgan, he said, "Yeah, it's tough. You remember how it was for Hotch. But he seems to have made it through, finally."

Morgan nodded. "So he did. I guess it's always tougher when you have kids." Looking to his friend. "How's my little man?" Morgan was very fond of Henry.

"To tell you the truth, he seems to be handling it remarkably well. Which is weird…isn't it? I mean, I guess I was a little older…..and the circumstances were entirely different…..never mind, I don't think there's really any comparison."

It was so typical of his 'little brother' to think aloud like that, Morgan couldn't help but smile. And to take the opportunity to be encouraging.

"Hey, if my little man turns out anything like his godfather….well, JJ couldn't ask for anything more."

Reid gave an appreciative smile, just as they pulled up in front of his apartment building.

"Thanks for the ride. See you in the morning."

"Rest that brain, Kid. We need you clear at the meeting tomorrow. Ten–to-one, you'll remember something you read. That's how it works, right? It comes back to you when you're not straining for it."

"Sometimes. Or I'll have to start again, from scratch." Intimidated at the thought of it.

"You won't. I've got faith in you." Sounding every bit as though he did. "Tell Blondie to get some sleep, too."

It was though Morgan had read his mind. Reid stared at the back of the SUV as it pulled away.

" _How did you….."_


	48. Chapter 48

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 48**

Reid made himself a cup of the herbal tea he'd found in one of Garcia's 'Maeve-baskets'. That was how infrequently he consumed the beverage…..it had already been in his cabinet for several years.

 _It's supposed to be relaxing. Maybe JJ was right, and that's what I need to do, if I want to see things more clearly._

But the things that he needed to see more clearly continued to trouble him. No matter JJ's encouragement, he still thought he should have had a more open mind when he'd gone through those thousands of transmissions. He should have known they might have gone after more than one vaccine, or that they might have plans to use any number of vaccines, in different ways, to accomplish their ends.

 _I know she means well. And it's good to know I always have someone in my corner. But I still think I messed up this time._

So he closed his eyes and tried to revisit as many as he could of the things he'd read. The technique held promise, at first. Until his progress became impeded by another, intrusive, set of visions, that began presenting themselves, over and over again.

At first, it was just the image of JJ, as she tried to hide her melancholy while they ate in the fast food restaurant. He read it as a reminder of his intention to call her tonight, and smiled to himself about how right he'd been in describing her for her 'profile'.

 _You are as stubborn as they come. And proud. And you don't want me to see that something is hurting you. Something_ else _. But I do._

The memory about her profile morphed the image, and he saw her as he'd seen her in her kitchen that afternoon, when he'd recited it to her. And he was once again in that moment. It had stayed with him for much of that weekend, and come back to him several times over the nearly two weeks in between. Tonight, he couldn't quite shake it.

They'd locked eyes, and he'd felt it. The intensity of it, the depth. They'd reminded each other that their relationship was, truly… _literally_ … life's blood, for each of them.

 _I meant what I said. I wouldn't be here, if not for her. She saw it, even when I thought I'd done such an expert job of hiding it. After Maeve…. I didn't think I could go on. Scratch that. I didn't see the_ point _of going on. I_ could _. I_ knew _I_ could _. I'd been through things before, and I'd gone on. But that was back in a time when I'd been able to imagine a future. After Maeve….the only future I could imagine was apocalyptic. Empty. Barren. Pointless._

 _And JJ saw it, in spite of me. She knew me too well._ Knows _me too well._

Smiling, briefly, at the slip into the present tense.

 _And she made sure. Thank God, she made sure there was a point._

At first, 'the point' had just been Henry. She'd used his godson to give Reid a reason to go on, to make him feel valued, and alive. Needed.

She'd _had_ to. There had still been that shadow of distance between them then, that remnant of the rift related to Emily. They'd traversed much of it, but it wasn't until the events of last fall that they'd closed the remaining space.

 _And it felt like coming home. Like I'd been a stranger in my own life, and then…. I was me, again. Thinking I'd lost her, that day…. And then_ almost _losing her, every day, for so many days after that. It shook me up. Shook me awake. Brought me back to me._

The awakening was the thing that had opened him to his relationship with Stephanie, such as it was. A sense that his life still mattered, that it still had purpose. That _he_ still had purpose, beyond the putting away of serial killers.

Stephanie had told him, before she'd left, that he'd done that for her, as well. She'd thanked him for it, said she'd found herself again, in her reborn love for music.

 _I'm not so sure it was me, specifically, so much as it was the fact of being in a relationship, of having someone else who loves the things you love._

Which, it suddenly occurred to him, might have been what was lacking on his end. Stephanie was a wonderful, talented, giving, person. It was true that she loved the chess kids just as he did. But the chess kids weren't, to him, what music was to Stephanie.

 _Music is_ her _life's blood. It's how she delves into herself, and lets herself out. It's her treasure._

The word brought to mind something from long ago, something his mother used to say. To Reid's memory, Diana hadn't been a particularly religious person.

 _Or, maybe she was. She was just at war with God most of the time._

But she had found some words of wisdom in all forms of sacred scripture, and she'd shared them with him, often.

He remembered some of them now. "For where your treasure is, there you will find your heart."

 _That word. Treasure. What is it that I treasure?_

For possibly the first time in his life…..no, make that the second…..he reacted without words. None spoken internally, none externally. This response was visceral, and he knew. Suddenly, unequivocably. Just as he'd experienced in the instant when Maeve had been lost. In much the same way, he experienced it now, and he knew. And _he'd_ been _found_.

When words came back to him, he tried to 'talk' himself out of it. To rationalize. To explain. But there was nothing to be gained from trying. His deepest self had already acknowledged it. His 'treasure' wasn't a 'what'. It was a 'who'.

* * *

He almost didn't call her. That's how shaken he was by the realization.

 _I mean, I knew she would be in my heart forever, but I never… did I? I couldn't….._ we _couldn't….. could we?_

Once the words began, they flowed in earnest, and he felt like he was driving himself crazy. He started reliving the whole of their relationship. He'd had a crush on her, at first.

 _Who wouldn't have? She was beautiful, and smart, and she had such a way with people, a way I could only dream of._

And, if he was honest with himself, maybe that crush had lasted a bit beyond their Gideon-arranged pity date. But that's all it had been. A crush. Not an aspiration. People like Jennifer Jareau weren't romantically attracted to people like Spencer Reid. He'd expected nothing, and then been surprised to be gifted with something he'd _never_ expected. Because out of that non-romance had arisen a true friendship.

If he was _really_ honest with himself, Reid would have to admit that it had always felt like a 'friendship-plus'. Not a 'friends-with-benefits', but something deeper and more impactful in each of their lives. They held 'pride-of-place' in each other's hearts. Reid knew, although he seldom acknowledged it, that his pride-of-place had been visible to Will LaMontagne for the entire time of the NOLA detective's relationship with JJ. And he knew that it irked the man, to this day.

He could only wonder what might have happened between himself and Maeve, if JJ had returned from their rift to claim her customary place in his heart. And he would have to forever wonder if he would have allowed it to happen. All he could know now was that Maeve was gone, and JJ back in her rightful place.

 _Which is how I should leave it. Right? We care about each other, we're comfortable with each other. It would be stupid to even think about trying to make it something it isn't. Except that I'm not so sure about the 'isn't'._

He knew she relied on him. He knew she sought comfort from him, and that she allowed herself to be vulnerable with him in a way that she did with no one else. Not that he was privy to everything about her relationship with her husband, but Reid had always had a sense that JJ didn't even show herself to Will the same way she did to him.

 _But that's what friendship is. Being able to be yourself, and knowing you'll be accepted, no matter what. Even if you fight about it, now and again._

The thought of Will brought another, even more unwelcome, thought forward. Because, just as Reid was living a 'post-Maeve' life, the time would come when JJ would be living a 'post-Will' life. And there might, one day, be someone _else_ in it.

Reid felt his chest constrict at the idea. They'd been in a different place with one another, back when she'd begun her relationship with Will. There had been minor pangs of jealousy, but nothing he hadn't been able to talk himself out of. But this...this felt like a full blown attack on his ability to breathe, to the point where he actually reached for his inhaler.

 _And the person doesn't even exist!... Yet._

Spencer Reid was very experienced in denial. And, like so many other such-experienced human beings, he never allowed a subsequent attempt to be derailed by his knowledge that it had never worked for him in the past. Until now. This time was different. This time, his body apparently knew something that his mind did not, and it was not about to let him fall back to his usual defense mechanism. Conceding defeat, his mind gave in and tried to work through it.

 _All right, I admit it. I'm jealous of someone who may or may not come into her life, just because that someone isn't me. Which is stupid. I shouldn't be jealous. I should want the best for her. I should want her to be happy._

 _But…. I make her happy, don't I? What if that person I can't see…..what if he's me? What if it's_ supposed _to be me? What if I'm trying to talk myself out of something, when I should really be encouraging myself?_

 _Except that I don't see how…._

The confluence of circumstance stymied him. Had it not been for Stephanie, he would have totally given up on the idea of a romantic relationship in his post-Maeve life. But there _had_ been Stephanie, and his desire for a future shared with someone he loved, and who loved him, had most definitely been awakened. Just when the one he loved had been left raw, and wary.

Which thought brought him back to the image that had started this whole, circular, reverie. She was sad, even more so than a week ago. She needed his _friendship_ much more than she needed anything else.

And so, he did what he had done countless times before, in his life. If he was experienced at denial, he was equally experienced at _self_ -denial. What he wanted, what he needed, would have to wait. Because what _she_ needed was more important.

Reid checked the time. Too late for Henry to still be up, but JJ might be. Still, he didn't want to intrude. So he texted first.

CALL?

She did.

"Spence? Hi. Do you need something?"

 _Ah. So that's how it's going to be._

He knew that _she_ knew that _he_ knew something was wrong. That's just how it was between them. And her immediately suggesting that the need was his, was her way of deflecting his concern. Her own unique spin on 'the best defense is a good offense' adage.

Reid put his own adage to good use. The one that went, 'honesty is the best policy'.

"I guess you could say that. See, I have a best friend who is struggling with something…..something beyond the thing I already know about. And I was wondering if you could help me figure out how to help her."

He counted off the seconds. Twenty of them, all in a row, all filled with profound silence.

"I can't, Spence. I'm sorry. It's just not something I can talk about right now. I need to take care of some things first."

He couldn't make sense of it. He'd thought it must have something to do with Will, but now….

"JJ, are you all right? I mean…..you're not sick, are you?"

Already trying to think how to combat this new, possibly non-existent, threat. 'Taking care of things' sounded ominous.

"No, no! It's nothing like that. I'm fine, and Henry is, too, before you ask."

"Alll…riiightttt." Not sounding convinced.

"Truth. I promise. Nothing is going to do either of us in for a good long while yet." _Except a broken heart._

It was his turn to take a few seconds to compose his words. "I guess I just want you to know that you're not alone right now. I know it must feel like you are….but you're not." _You don't have to be._

He heard the smile in her reply. "I do know that. And thanks. Listen, Spence, we have a lot ahead of us tomorrow. I think I'm going to try to get some sleep. You should, too. I know you've been spending the whole night ruminating on those messages. But they'll wait, and you'll be fresher in the morning."

 _Ruminating, yes. Messages?….not so much._

He knew a dismissal when he heard one. She was obviously not ready to talk, and he wasn't about to add to her stress by pressuring her.

"Good idea. Sweet dreams. I'll see you in the morning."

"Thanks again, Spence. Good night."

'Hey, JJ?"

"Yes?"

"We're still working out on Saturday, aren't we? I mean, you're still planning to torture me, right?"

"Spence, it's for your own good. You said yourself that Laura noticed a difference in your endurance."

"I know. I was just checking. Ten o'clock still good?"

"Ten is fine. But I'm afraid Henry won't be here. He's with Will this weekend."

"Yeah, I figured as much. I'll miss him. Well, okay, I'll see you in the morning. 'Night."

He wouldn't push her. But he _would_ read her. In person, without work intervening. On Saturday.


	49. Chapter 49

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 49**

Reid was headed out the door, about to get an early start for the BAU, when his cell phone sounded.

"Reid here."

"Spencer? Hi, I'm so glad I caught you! What time is it there? Did I wake you?"

He'd started smiling the moment she'd begun speaking. He hadn't heard from her since she'd left for the tour. And he hadn't seen her since that fateful conversation on the Mall.

"It's fine, Steph. It's seven AM here. How are things going? How are _you_?"

"Oh, good, I'm glad. I think we've got like a thirteen hour time difference or something. But sometimes I get confused about whether I should be adding or subtracting. I was afraid I was calling at 5 instead of 7."

"You're thirteen hours ahead, so it must be eight PM there, right?"

"Eight PM and the first night in almost two weeks that's ended before eleven. I'm exhausted, but I'm not complaining. It's been a great concert series, and the people I've met couldn't have been more welcoming."

"That's great to hear. And I'm glad the performances have gone well. Not that it was ever in doubt. Have you been able to do much sightseeing?"

"Have we been able…. Spencer, there's not been a free minute in a single day! They're very proud of their country, and rightly so. So we've been everywhere. You would have loved it. We really need to get you over here someday."

"It _would_ be good to see the world, some day. So, if you're through in China, what's next?"

"Well, the rest of the group is heading back stateside. But I'm off to Nairobi. I'll be meeting with someone from the organization who's been working in the area. We'll visit a few schools, just so I can get a feel for things, and maybe find some prospective music mentors. Then….well, I'm getting the sense that there will be a lot of fundraising in my future, besides setting up the mentoring program. We can't exactly grow musicians without instruments."

"That sounds exciting, Steph. I'm really happy for you. And those kids are more lucky than they know. But… please be careful, all right? I'm sure the schools you're working with are fine, but ...well, there's a _little_ bit of unrest pretty much everywhere."

Fully intending to call Emily and check on specifics. And, just maybe, ask for some additional underground security, if it could be had.

"I know. And thanks for worrying about me. It's sweet. And….well, it makes me feel good."

"Steph…."

"Don't worry, Spencer, I didn't mean anything by it. Just that I still think of you warmly. I expect I always will."

"Same here. Always."

"Thanks. I mean it." Sighing then, as a means of changing the subject. "So, what's new on the home front? How's JJ?"

Reid frowned. The two women had developed an acquaintanceship through him, and through some of the work on the local mentoring program. But he knew that Stephanie had worked far more often with Kate and Kimura. And yet, she'd only asked about JJ.

 _Does_ everybody _else know? Why am I always the last? Even in my own life._

But then he realized that Stephanie couldn't know about JJ and Will, and the status of their marriage. Which made him even more confused. But he chose not to get into it.

"She's okay. Henry too. We've been in DC all this time, still working the same case. It feels like we're finally making a little progress, though. I was just on my way in for a meeting."

"Oh, I won't keep you, then. Please give my best to everyone. And you be careful yourself, all right?"

"Yes, ma'am. Thanks for calling Steph. It was _really_ good to hear your voice. I mean that."

"Me too. Do you mind if I call you again? Or you could call me. I just…. well, with the quartet gone, I'm thinking…..just…."

 _Just that you'll be lonely. And maybe a little intimidated by what you're taking on._

"Of course. I want to hear all about the whole thing, anyway."

"Whew. Good. A few days, then?"

"A few days."

* * *

Reid entered the bullpen to a surprising sight. JJ was already at her desk.

"Good morning?" Put forth as a question. The change to her usual schedule might have been precipitated by something good, or something bad.

She looked up. "Oh, hi, Spence. Good morning." Then, reading the question on his face, she added, by way of explanation, "Mom stayed the night. She's dropping Henry off this morning."

"Oh. Well, that's good. I hope they had a good time together last night."

She smiled. "They always do. How was _your_ night?"

"Quiet. Oh, Steph says 'hi'."

He truly had just been passing along the message, as requested. It wasn't a test. Was it? But Reid's antennae were on alert for any tell-tale sign in JJ's response.

And he couldn't be sure. Her eyes widened in surprise, but….

 _Is it just pleasant surprise to hear from a friend? Or is it, surprise like 'I thought you two were over'? Am I just looking for 'surprise' or am I looking for 'surprise and disappointment'? And, if I see it…whatever 'it' is….what does it mean?_

Just the fact of being caught up in the question disturbed him. He knew how _he_ felt, and he thought he knew how _she_ felt. But this business of guessing, of looking for hidden meaning in things she might say, or how she might look…..it was foolish.

 _Foolish…and completely at the wrong time. Put it aside, Spencer. Be to her who you've always been…..her friend. Because that's what she needs you to be right now._

JJ's response brought him back out of his head.

"Oh? When were you talking to her?" In spite of his resolve, he couldn't help but notice her split second of hesitation.

"Just this morning. There's a thirteen hour time difference," he explained, inadequately.

"That's right, I forgot. Things going okay for her?" Not quite able to remember what 'things' she was doing. But keenly recalling the breakup.

"She said the tour had gone really well. She's breaking off from the others now, on her way to Africa. She's a little nervous, I think."

"Has she never traveled on her own before? It _can_ be a little intimdating." _Especially when you're headed to Afghanistan._

It hit him, then, because he didn't know the made him think about all of the other things he still didn't, and would probably never, know about Stephanie. _What did we talk about?_

All he could do was shrug. "Even if she has, it's kind of a different circumstance. So I think she's just feeling a little anxious. And she wants so badly for it to succeed."

JJ smiled. "I hope it does. She's done such great work with it here."

Further small talk was aborted when Garcia emerged from her lair to herd her profilers into the round table room. When they arrived, they saw Sid Hirsch already at the table. The DHS agent, Hotch and Rossi filled the others in on the outcome of their discussions yesterday.

"The FBI's been watching them?!" Morgan was astounded. "How is it that we didn't know about this?"

Hotch understood the annoyance. He'd expressed quite a bit of it himself, just yesterday. But he also knew they couldn't afford to let emotion rule their enterprise. He tried to move quickly through the issue.

"There were certain failures of intelligence…" he began.

"You can say that again," interjected David Rossi, no stranger to emotional response. The BAU founder had only ever been considered 'level-headed' when compared with his founding partner, Jason Gideon. "In every sense of the word."

Hotch threw his colleague a look. _Thanks. Now shut up, old friend._

"As I said, there were certain failures of intelligence. Matt Cruz has already taken it up with the director of that unit. Going forward, we'll be kept abreast of their findings."

Morgan wasn't quite mollified. "Did they share what they have so far?"

"They did. They've been running visual surveillance on DTA employees in the Washington metro area. There's another unit doing the same in New York."

"What about background? Did they share that, too?"

Reid had asked the question, but Garcia's ears were anxious for the answer as well. She'd begun the on-line investigation of the group last fall, but had been away from it since then. Her fingers were itching to get back to work.

"They've shared what they have, which is not much more than we'd already uncovered. But I did secure permission for Garcia to get a look at it." Directing his next words to her, Hotch added, "When we're done, Sid will work you through the DHS system. You permissions will be limited, but you should be able to see what you need."

She grinned at him, but said nothing. 'Limited permissions' were for other people.

Hotch turned back to Rossi. "Do you want to fill them in?"

The senior profiler straightened in his chair. "Sure. So, it seems that our colleagues have been watching our man Andrew Jackson, and twenty of his local associates in DTA, for the past four months. They've sold off their properties in the neighborhoods where they'd been active in the District, courtesy of our uncovering that part of the operation. Apparently, they laid low for a while, but then there were a couple of property transfers in Maryland. Gaithersburg, to be exact."

Reid's eyes narrowed. "They hadn't been in Maryland before that?"

If that was true, he might have to rethink his suspicion about them working for PharmVac. It would seem to be too much, the timeline too short, for them to have turned Peter Ramos, used the stolen bacterium, contaminated the vaccine, and infiltrated the vaccine development plant, all in succession. He'd been certain they must already have been in Maryland.

 _Unless PharmVac really is Plan B._ But he'd become certain that it was Plan A, and that the vaccine contamination that had killed the children had been part of an elaborate test.

"Oh, no, they'd already been in Maryland. Andrew Jackson had, and seven of his colleagues. The rest are scattered in Virginia, both in and out of the beltway. There just hadn't been any activity until four months ago."

JJ was following Reid's thinking. "Do we know how long he's been there? Could they have already infiltrated PharmVac before the surveillance started? DHS didn't even _know_ about DTA before we got involved with that case, right?"

"But they would have looked into it _since_ then, wouldn't they?" Kate looked to Hirsch as she spoke.

He answered. "The agency was focused on the known members of DTA. Each of them checked out in terms of realtors' licenses and training. We hadn't looked into any connections with PharmVac until Dr. Reid suggested it yesterday. Since then, we've searched, and, I'm sorry to say, been unable to find anything."

Rossi was puzzled. "Why are you sorry? Isn't that a _good_ thing? We don't exactly want known terrorists working in our vaccine manufacturing industry, do we?"

Hirsch explained. "I'm sorry, because I've learned to trust Dr. Reid's instincts. He feels there's something there, and I'm inclined to agree with him. So it's troubling that we've been unable to find it."

Reid spoke up, unhappy despite the vote of confidence. "What's troubling is that there has to have been a mention of it in the communications. And I missed it."

His unit chief happened to agree with him, but Hotch knew they had to be practical.

"It's understandable. You were looking for references specific to the contamination of the other vaccine. We can't undo that. What I need now are suggestions for moving forward."

Morgan had been thinking about it. "Neither the FBI nor DHS was looking at anything in Gaithersburg because they hadn't moved any properties there. Now they have. What if we look at who is buying or renting those properties?"

Reid immediately sat forward, signaling his agreement. "We should start there. But I think we need to go beyond that. Garcia, I think we need to work backwards as well. We need to look at everyone who works at PharmVac, and trace back their residences, even if they've moved. We need to look for any connection with DTR, at any point along the way."

Garcia's eyes had widened, her foot was tapping, and she had to practically sit on her hands to keep her fingers from drumming against the tabletop, she was so anxious to get started. This kind of task was right up her alley. The tech analyst looked expectantly from Reid to their unit chief, awaiting permission.

"Do it."

She was up and out of the room like a shot, leaving the rest to come up with the remainder of their strategy. Reid started them off.

"I know we don't have anything concrete on PharmVac being compromised, Hotch, but I really think we need to know what they're working on there."

"Agreed," said his superior. "But we need to do it without alerting anyone that we're investigating."

"What about Dr. Kimura?" asked Kate. "She's more likely to understand anything than the rest of us…well, except for Reid, maybe. Is there a way she could find out?"

Hotch looked to Reid, as the person who knew Linda Kimura best. She'd recovered from her attack, but he wasn't interested in putting her in danger once again.

"What do you think?"

"I think she might already know. I mean, this particular research community is pretty open. It's a little less proprietary than other fields. They'll need federal approval at some point, and their vaccines all need vetted trials. It's possible she's already aware of what they're working on."

"All right, then. Consult with her. Find out what she knows. Get her ideas on a worst case scenario, given the specific projects they've got under way."

Reid nodded his understanding of the task.

"So," asked Kate, "now that we're moving in a different direction, what do we do about the contaminated vaccines that have already been delivered to the health departments? We're already going on three days past what we thought would be a suspicious delay in their delivery to the practices."

Thinking out loud, JJ reviewed the factors in consideration.

"Well, when they kept it up after we made the arrests in Oregon, we profiled that they don't care if we know what they're up to, right? That they're sending us a message by keeping at it. Showing us that our population is vulnerable, and trying to force us to make that message public."

"Right," confirmed Rossi. "And we think they'll use the opportunity of a hold-up in delivery to launch a social media campaign of suspicion."

Hotch looked, once again, to his resident genius. He'd given a task at the end of last week, and needed the results, now.

"Reid?"

"Well, since it looked like the algorithm was right after all, I took it out to the level of the individual practices in those two states. In each state, the particular shipments of contaminated vaccine were targeted for a large, multi-site group practice. Garcia ran background on their lead physicians and their practice managers. There may be parts of our cell on the ground in one or more of the individual practices, but the people at the top checked out clean. So Kimura called them and told them that they were investigating concerns about vaccine storage temperature prior to the delivery, and that they should put a hold on using it, for that reason. She said it does happen, sometimes, and thinks it will buy us another week, before the cell gets suspicious."

Hirsch spoke up at that. "Experience tells me that we'll need to move well before that week is up. But we also need to be cautious in our approach." He made a point of running his eyes slowly around the table, looking at each member of the BAU in turn. "If you good people would get your information to me by Friday, end of day, I'll bring it back to the joint task force. We'll hash out a strategy, with your input, of course," looking specifically at Hotch and Rossi, "and put it into place no later than the start of next week."

* * *

By late Friday, Reid was exhausted. He'd spent much of the previous two days with Linda Kimura, reviewing everything she knew about PharmVac and the work that was being done there, and brainstorming about how that work might be of interest to a group of terrorists. What they'd found, and what they'd surmised, had been frightening, and enough to send Sid Hirsch scurrying out of the round table room, bent on getting the information to his superiors as quickly as possible.

"Are you available this weekend, Dr. Reid?" He'd stopped to ask before making his call.

"Of course. I'll do anything I can, whenever it's needed."

"Good to hear. What about Dr. Kimura? We may need her expertise."

"I'm sure she'll say the same, but I'll notify her to be alert for it."

With that, the DHS representative had hurried from the room. The team had spent another hour in discussion, and then Hotch had dismissed them, with a caution.

"I'd like all of you to be available. Please make sure Garcia can reach you at all times."

As they pushed back their chairs, JJ remarked to Reid, "Guess I'd better tell Will to plan on bringing Henry to school on Monday. I don't know how else to handle it, if we get called in before then."

Reid heard yet another layer of concern in her voice. If she had to ask Will to care for Henry off schedule, it might not look good to a judge determining a custody arrangement.

"Couldn't your mother watch him? She loves being with Henry."

"I'm sure she would, if I asked her. But I hate to be a burden, just because I've screwed things up."

There was so much wrong in what she'd just said that Reid opened his mouth to protest her words, and her entire way of thinking. But he closed it again, without speaking. He would see her tomorrow. Maybe _this_ was the stress he'd been reading in her features all week. He could try to wring it out of her in a less intense circumstance than the meeting they'd just concluded. And he could help her to see that she wasn't in this alone.

But that was for tomorrow. Today, he changed the subject.

"Still up for running me ragged?"

"Huh?" Her mind had obviously already wandered off. "Oh. Yes, of course." She patted him on the arm. "I may not be able to take care of my son this weekend. But I can take care of his godfather. See you at ten?"

"Ten."

* * *

He'd just finished writing his daily missive to his mother, which task had almost proven to be more than he could handle tonight. It wasn't just the physical exhaustion. It was also the emotional turmoil.

As much as he'd pushed his newly acknowledged love for JJ aside these past few days,….her needs and the needs of the case nearly mandating it….. it was still very much on his mind. And in his heart. To one degree or another, it was in every cell of his body. And he wanted, very badly, to share it with the one person who'd loved him for his whole life.

He'd not shared Maeve with her. He'd wanted to. But Maeve had been in hiding, and under threat from an unknown source. It hadn't been a safe thing to do. And afterward….. well, he hadn't been about to add to the burdens of Diana's life by letting her see his personal devastation. She'd been troubled enough at the interruption in the flow of arrival of his letters. He couldn't tell her that grief had paralyzed him. So he'd made up a story about a particularly difficult, and secretive case, and hoped it would jell with her perception of the FBI enough for her to believe it. And it had. And she had. And then he'd resumed his daily letters.

Keeping Maeve to himself was one thing. But this was different. With JJ….. well, it was true that he hadn't even had the conversation with the object of his affection. And it was true that the circumstances were difficult. But, even without having discussed it, Reid was as certain as he could be that she returned the feeling. He sensed it with every fiber, every synapse, every molecule of neuropsychobiochemistry that he possessed.

 _I just know._

It wanted to be shouted, this new found miracle of his life. It wanted to be shared. But it wasn't the right time. He couldn't tell his mother when he hadn't yet even told JJ. Hadn't said it aloud at all, to anyone.

But _that_ was something he could fix. Reid laid the sealed envelope on the table, and sat back in his chair. Conjuring up an image of blonde hair and blue...oh, so blue...eyes, he plunged in. Took the step. Made it real. It wasn't exactly 'telling the world'. It was more like telling himself. _Tasting_ , really. And savoring the taste. For the first time, he said it aloud.

"I love her."

* * *

###########

 _ **A.N. A couple of people asked about the one-year wait on divorces. I only researched Virginia and DC, but both have the same thing in place. If there are minor children involved, there is a one year waiting period before a divorce can be granted. If no minor children, it's a much shorter wait.**_

 _ **And, yes, they'll talk in the next chapter, and Reid will find out what's troubling JJ.**_


	50. Chapter 50

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 50**

 _He's on to you, you know that. He'll want to help._

JJ admonished herself.

 _Oh God, Spence, I wish you could. I wish I could let you. But it will only hurt you. And I know you would willingly allow that. You'd do anything for me. You'd do anything for Henry, too._

She knew, as surely as she knew anything, that he would sacrifice himself. That it would his first….his _only_ …. response. But she cared about him too much, loved him too much, to allow that.

 _I may not have had any choice back in October. If I had, you know I would have been all over you about the risk you took, even if it was to save me. But I do have a choice now. And I'm not going to let you do it. It's my turn._

Except that it wasn't only about them. Whatever happened, it would affect Henry, greatly. There were no winners and losers here. There were _only_ losers. All she could do was to try to contain the loss.

 _And_ her anger. If she gave in to it, she thought, she might very well explode, a human grenade.

 _Except I don't know whether to be angrier with Will or with myself. I should have known. I should have trusted my instincts. There was something holding me back all that time, even when I was pregnant. I should have had more confidence in my own intuition._

But she hadn't. She'd gone along with Will moving to DC because….well, because she was pregnant, and it was expected, and he was, if she was honest, being all gallant about it, and solicitous of her. Some of it had felt good…. _really_ good …until it hadn't. Until 'solicitous' had morphed into 'needy' and 'jealous'.

 _Until I realized that he wasn't really in love with me. Not the 'me' that I am. Just with some version of me that he'd conjured up in his head._

Early on, she'd actually tried to conform herself to his vision of her. But that effort had been short-lived, at best. It had barely made it past her maternity leave.

 _Who am I kidding? It barely made it past my wanting Spence to be Henry's godfather._

Even that had, at first, seemed charming, in a way. She'd thought his reluctance was because of Will's attachment to his large, southern family. She'd admired his loyalty, and his investment in tradition. But, soon enough, she'd realized another reason.

 _He was jealous of Spence, even then. He was jealous of all of my friends, but especially of Spence. He couldn't quite believe that a man and a woman could be close without being romantic._

They still hadn't settled it, and then she'd gone into labor. There was no rush, really. They had time. But then Reid had walked into her hospital room, and wiped the forlorn look from his face, just for the sake of her happiness. And she'd seen it, and known.

' _This is who I want in my child's life. This is who I want in_ my _life.'_

That last sentence. 'This is who I want in my life.' The day of Henry's birth had been the first time she'd recited the words to herself. But it had been far from the last. Over and over again, Reid had proven himself….no, he'd _shown_ himself…to her. He had no need to prove anything. But he'd shown who he was, and how he thought, and how he loved. And, each time, she'd said those words to herself. Until, gradually, she'd begun to hear them in a new way.

For a long time, and considering their circumstances, she'd taken the words to mean that Reid was the 'prototype' for the person she wanted in her life, the person she could depend on, and partner with. She'd conducted herself as though there was a 'someone' out there, an unnamed, faceless person who held all the qualities she'd come to value. The only thing of which she'd become certain was that the 'someone' wasn't her husband. Because, if Reid had shown himself to JJ, so had Will LaMontagne. And the person he'd shown himself to be was far too needy, and far too petty, to be the life partner she'd hoped he would be.

Will's behavior in the crisis of last fall had been emblematic. He'd allowed her to believe that Reid had become ill at the same time she had, from the same terrorist attack. While he hadn't outright lied about it, Will had kept the truth from her. And, she'd come to find out, he'd prevailed upon Reid to do the same, in the purported interest of not adding to her stress.

 _He didn't want me to know that Spence had sacrificed his health…himself, really…. to save my life. And that he kept coming back to do it, over and over again, getting sicker and sicker each time, until he knew I would survive._

Will's behavior had forced something to the surface. For a long, long time….maybe forever….certainly since before the formality of their marriage, she'd known there was something not right between them. In truth, she'd known that there was very little that _was_ right between them. They'd produced a child…. _the most wonderful kid in the world_ …. but that had been the extent of their true compatibility. But, despite her subconscious being aware, JJ's consciousness had submerged that knowledge. It had gone so deep that she'd lost touch with it, until Will's behavior brought it back within reach.

 _We were never right for each other. I think that some part of me has known that right along. But I also think that there is some part of Will that has yet to admit it. And so, he fights for an 'us' that never was, and will never be. We fight. And fight. And fight. And I lose….everything._

'Everything' included the man who she had finally realized was _not_ the prototype. He was the real thing. It had finally dawned on her. But he'd been with Stephanie. And then he hadn't been. But it still couldn't happen. Will had made sure of that. And JJ had resigned herself to being alone.

 _Because I don't want someone 'like' Spence. I want Spence. If I met someone else….well, I'd always be comparing. And they would always come up short. How could they not?_

The hallway clock struck ten, telling her that Reid would arrive momentarily. JJ swiped at the wetness on her cheeks and made a quick check in the mirror. Her sleepless night was evident in the pallor that reflected back to her.

 _So make like Scarlett O'Hara and fix it!_

She pinched her cheeks until some color appeared in them, then frowned as she took in the rest of her face. Stress had added a number of fine lines.

 _Oh, great. Now I have another thing to thank Will for._

Hoping they were only transient evidence of the strain she was under, she ran to answer the knock at the door.

* * *

Despite his sessions with physical therapy, and despite her running him hard the past few weekends, Reid had trouble keeping up with JJ. He realized that she'd probably been holding herself back during their prior sessions, keeping him company at his pace. But there was no 'holding back' going on this Saturday morning. She was blocks ahead of him.

 _She's pounding something out. And she's trying to avoid my bringing it up, by making sure we're running apart. Maybe she's trying to do me in, so I can't bring it up afterward, either._

But he was determined to do so. He'd dutifully waited it out, giving her space to collect herself. But it hadn't worked. So he _would_ bring it up, drag it out, force her to name it, whatever it was. As soon as he caught his breath.

When he finally made it back to the house, she was waiting with a towel, a cool drink, and an apology.

"Sorry. It just got away from me. But it felt so good."

That's when it struck him.

"What are you doing about running when you're home alone with Henry?"

"I'm not. I think that's why I let loose today. But I'm sorry, I should have kept pace with you."

He grinned at her. "Well, you might be happy to know that you'll have a harder time losing me in the future."

"What does that mean?"

"It means," he said, "that, while I was with Kimura yesterday, she felt an urge to send me for more pulmonary function tests."

JJ gasped in surprised delight. "You're getting better? Spence, are you getting better?"

The widening grin responded for him.

JJ pulled him into a hug. "Oh, thank God. Thank God."

And then the hug turned into a clinging that lasted just a few seconds too long, and there it was again. Something wasn't right. Well, a lot of things weren't right. But there, again, was that 'something' that he knew she needed to let out.

As they released, and before he could change the subject, she asked, "So, does this mean you can stay with the BAU? I mean, if you want to, of course."

"Well, I'm not all the way there yet. But, if I keep it up, Kimura said, and I quote, 'You'll be able to make decisions based on what you _want_ to do, and not on what you _have_ to do.' So, yes, it does."

She grinned. "Well, that news deserves a celebration." She turned and headed off to take a shower, throwing over her shoulder, "Let's go out to lunch, this time. My treat."

And she was gone.

Reid's eyes remained fixed to the spot where she'd stood.

 _Sure, a celebration. In a public place. Where we can't really talk._

* * *

When he heard the water stop running, Reid showered and dressed in the LaMontagne's guest bathroom. Well, actually it was Henry's bathroom. The Spiderman shower curtain and towels were probably not meant to impress the guests.

The visual reminders of his godson brought a smile to Reid's face. But his realization of the situation JJ and Henry were in quickly sobered him.

 _No wonder she's so pent up. She hasn't been able to work it off at all. And I'll bet she's worried about Henry picking up on her stress, just when she's trying to sell him on this new arrangement being an okay thing._

He began to think better of challenging her. But when he walked quietly down the hallway and back to the kitchen, he saw her seated at the table, sorting laundry. At the forlorn look she gave to a pair of Henry's socks, his resolve returned.

As she realized he was watching, she quickly folded the socks and put on her happy face.

"Ready? What are you in the mood for?"

He took up a position across from her, leaning on the kitchen counter, ready to do battle. Not with JJ. With whatever it was that had taken the smile from her eyes.

"Actually, I'm in the mood for a good talk."

He watched her stiffen as she processed the words. And then marveled as he saw her try to assemble her microexpressions into a convincing mask….and, partially, succeed.

 _She's good. But not good enough._

"We can talk over lunch, can't we? I'm starving." She rose as though to go for her purse.

"JJ.."

"I'll just be a minute."

He grabbed her arm as she tried to brush past him.

"JJ…"

She didn't struggle with him. She just stood, loosely in his grasp, eyes on the floor.

"Spence…..please."

"No." He turned her to face him. "You know I love you, and I would never do anything to hurt you. But something _is_ hurting you. Something beyond this whole mess. And I want to know what it is. JJ, I can _help_ you with it. Let me. Please."

He let go of her, not wanting her to feel threatened or coerced. But he wasn't about to leave without her answer.

She sat back down, and absentmindedly resumed her folding.

"I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to know."

" _Why_ , JJ? _Why_? What is it?"

She bit her lip, obviously considering her words. He tried to encourage her.

"I hope you know that there's nothing you can ever tell me that will make me think less of you. I love you, JJ. I thought you knew that."

Not revealing his new understanding of what that meant.

She looked up at him. "I do know it! And I love you, too, Spence. I even thought…well, never mind. I just don't want to be the one who hurts you."

Those _words._ Not the 'hurt' words, but the 'I even thought..'. She might have rushed right past them, but his brain hadn't. In fact, it had become fixated on them. And he knew.

 _She feels the same way._

"JJ.."

"There's nothing we can do about it, so there's no point in discussing it. I…."

Reid pushed away from the counter, and squatted in front of her. He lowered his face so he could catch her downcast eyes.

"JJ…. You know what you mean to me. I'm not leaving here until I know what's hurting you. In case you hadn't noticed, what hurts you, hurts me, too." Trying a new angle.

She shook her head as he stood and stretched the cramp from his legs. Reid pulled up another chair and sat next to her, taking her hands into his.

"Tell me." Softly, encouragingly.

"Spence…"

"Tell me." More authoritative this time.

She stared at their hands as she decided. Then, with a sigh, she began.

"All right. All right, I'll tell you. But… Okay, so you know I went to meet with Sarah last week…my attorney?"

He nodded.

"And she'd met with Will's lawyer. I don't remember if I told you, but she'd asked me to come up with a list of requests….or 'demands', as she put it. And, apparently, Will's lawyer had asked him to do the same."

"I remember. You were pretty fair about it, as I recall."

She gave him a grateful smile, topped by eyes that were already welling up.

"I tried. I didn't want Henry to feel torn between us, and I didn't think it would be right to deprive Will of being a father to his son."

"Mm—hmm."

"But, apparently, Will….or his attorney, I can't tell which….apparently, they saw it differently."

Reid frowned. "In what way?"

"Will is willing to share custody, like we are now…every other weekend, split holidays and summer vacation….but he wants a say in who else is in Henry's life."

She watched as her best friend's eyes darkened, and heard the anger in his voice as he finished the thought for her.

"He doesn't want me in it."

She shook her head. "He said that was a condition of his agreeing to the joint custody. Otherwise, I've got a fight on my hands. Although he did offer one other alternative."

"What's that?" Still angry.

"I could move to New Orleans, and take that job with the NOLA office. And he would go back to NOLA PD. If I did that, he wouldn't fight me for custody."

"Is he kidding?"

"I wish. Sarah thinks he means it."

Reid sat in silence for a few minutes, thoughts racing. Then he had a question.

"JJ….if he's demanding that I be gone, why have you been inviting me here? Won't that antagonize him?"

The tears began to spill. "Sarah says I shouldn't give in…..not yet, anyway. She says it would look weak. And, besides…" And she squeezed the hands holding hers. "…. I don't know how to let you go."

"You don't have to." Squeezing back.

"I _might_ have to. Because Sarah also asked me a question."

"What question?"

"She asked me if you had ever had a drug problem."


	51. Chapter 51

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 51**

"She asked me if you had ever had a drug problem."

As the words sunk in, Reid dropped JJ's hands. He stood and began pacing the small kitchen.

"Spence…"

When he turned to look at her, it was all she could do not to gasp. She'd never seen his eyes so dark, his face so inflamed with anger.

"He told her that?" Sounding angry as well.

"I think it was only the attorneys who spoke to each other. He must have told his."

"But….I don't understand, JJ. How could he have told his attorney? How could he have known?"

Guilt immediately consumed her. JJ hid her face behind her hands, and began crying. Barely noticing, Reid answered his own question. And that's when she realized it wasn't necessarily Will he was angry with.

"It was New Orleans, wasn't it? That was the first time any of us had met him, right? And I was so off my game that I blew off an assignment." He gave a bitter snort. "They always say first impressions are the most lasting."

JJ dropped her hands and took a few deep breaths in the hope of regaining her voice. "No," she managed.

He misunderstood. "No? It makes sense, JJ. He's disliked me from the beginning. I used to think he resented our friendship, but now…maybe….maybe he just didn't want his family consorting with a drug addict."

Hearing him berate himself brought back her voice.

"Spence…. stop. You're not a drug addict and Will knows it. He's just using it."

Reid stopped his pacing and took his seat across from her again, looking an earnest apology to her.

"I'm so sorry for this. It's all my fault, if I hadn't ….."

JJ's palm slapping the table drew him up short. Her own anger spilled to the surface.

"Stop! I won't have you taking responsibility for something that was never your fault to begin with. And I won't have you taking responsibility for what Will is doing, either. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine."

He narrowed his gaze at her, not understanding. Under his scrutiny, JJ briefly hid her face once again behind her hands. When she removed them, her features wore a look of resignation, as though she already knew the loss she was about to suffer.

"It's my fault that Will knows."

He could so easily read her distress, and could feel it quickly becoming his own, as he anticipated her next words.

 _Maybe I don't have to know. Maybe I don't_ want _to know._

But he couldn't let it go. He hadn't given up yet. Not quite. Things had never looked all that rosy for them. But, until a few minutes ago, there had been that little tendril of hope, now clinging with the last of its strength.

 _Still…. If we have a future….we can't have this between us._

So he asked. "How?"

She'd been living with this for over a week already. Her self-recrimination had been severe, and persistent. She thought she'd wrung every last ounce of remorse and sorrow out of herself by now. But she was, apparently, mistaken. It was still very much present, and evident in the break of her voice.

"That fight…..that awful fight we had, when Emily came back. And I kept pushing you, and you said…."

Reid sat back, eyes closed, remembering, eidetically. "I said, "What if I had started taking Dilaudid again? Would you have let me?"

She nodded, tears flowing again. "And I was still so upset when I got home from the case that I let it all spill out to Will. The fight, the words….. everything. I'm sorry, Spence. I'm so sorry!"

He stood and went to the window, staring without seeing. In the space of five minutes, he'd been confronted with more unpleasant truths than he really cared to handle. There was so much to take in. Will's demand, his resentment and distaste finally out in the open. His own weakness played out in addiction. The secret she'd withheld about their friend, and the lies she'd told. The open wound it had left between them. Their each rubbing verbal salt into it, months later. The distance that slow healing that had left good, strong scar tissue in place. The love they'd built on it. The love that, it seemed, would go unfulfilled.

You _may not care to handle it. But_ she's _been handling it, all on her own, for a while now. And look what it's been doing to her. You told her you'd help her. Now do it._

Reid walked back over and lifted her out of the chair.

"We both said and did some things that we regret back then, JJ. But that's just the point, isn't it? We _do_ regret them. We _do_ know better. We may not be able to change what we did, but we have used that terrible experience to change us. That's all we _can_ do, isn't it? Learn from our mistakes, grow into better selves?"

"But I…"

"No 'buts', please. It happened. I regret that I put you in that situation, and you regret that you told Will. It doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is where we are now."

The tears flowed again at his words, and Reid drew her close. She leaned in to him as he spoke softly to her. For all she could see, 'where they were now' was in the throes of separation.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry that I'm any kind of factor in it. The last thing I will ever do is cost you your son. I love you both far too much for that."

She pushed back, alarmed at his words.

"What does that mean?" A mixture of anger and worry visible in the set of her face.

He ran his hand up and down her arm.

"It means that I can't let you risk losing Henry. I know what it would do to you. And I know what it would do to him."

She sniffled, spoiling the image of strong resolve. "I'm not about to let him take Henry away. But I'm also not about to let him go after you."

He shook his head. "I don't see much choice, JJ. I'm not worried for myself. I did what I did, and I have to own it. I just…."

He'd been unable to keep the hurt from his voice.

"You just thought you'd put it behind you, and here he goes, resurrecting it. That's my husband."

Bitterness oozing.

Reid felt foolish. "I guess this is what comes of ignoring the obvious. I know we've never talked about it…..it wasn't exactly a subject I could bring up…. but I think I've always known he had a problem with me."

She opened her mouth to speak, but he kept going.

"I told myself that it was my fault. At the beginning, I thought I'd just made a really bad first impression. I even worried that he knew about the dilaudid. Then, I thought, maybe I'm just too weird for him to like me. And then, I thought it was because I'd made such a fool of myself by coming over here, week after week, after…"

She put a hand over his lips to shush him.

"Stop. Please. You are none of those things. I don't care why Will doesn't like you. I _don't_. He's the fool, if he doesn't see what a good man you are. And he's an even bigger fool if he doesn't see how much Henry loves you. I don't know how he can even consider taking you away from Henry."

She'd cut him off too soon. Because he'd been about to say that he used to think Will disliked him for all the reasons cited. But he'd come to understand that it was probably none of the above. He'd come to understand that Will had seen something that he and JJ had done everything possible _not_ to see. He'd been about to say that Will LaMontagne was no fool. That, just maybe, he was, among them, the most astute judge of what had actually been going on.

But to say that would be to openly acknowledge that thing that they'd yet to acknowledge between them. That thing that couldn't be. That thing that he'd thought was about to take wing, only to be shot to the ground.

Maybe he wouldn't have said it, after all. Maybe he couldn't have.

But he could respond to her words.

"He loves Henry." _And I think he even loves you, even if it's in his own possessive way._ "I can't imagine he would want to hurt him."

"No," she spat, "he's leaving _you_ to do that. He thinks he can make you walk out on Henry and me, and that you'll be the bad guy, in Henry's eyes."

For all of his genius, for all of his rapid-fire consideration of their predicament, _that_ hadn't occurred to him. While he'd had to force himself to entertain the idea of not being a part of their lives, he'd not given thought to how Henry would look at it. JJ was right. The number one member of the Spencer Reid Fan Club wouldn't look at his leaving as a heroic sacrifice. He would see it as abandonment.

 _Just like I did. Oh, God, Henry._

She read the look on his face, and put her hand to his cheek, as though to wipe the anguish away.

"I'm not going to let that happen, Spence. I've thought about this a lot. I've done nothing _but_ think about it. And I'll do whatever it takes to keep you from being hurt by this." Knowing, even as she said the words, that there was no way to accomplish that. He _would_ be hurt. They would _all_ be hurt.

He was still lost in the vision of Henry feeling rejected by him, and he had trouble finding his voice. It came out in a whisper.

"How?"

He looked so sad, so pathetically lost at the idea of being without them. It brought her to tears once again. But her voice was strong. Will may have wrested control over some aspects of her life. But she retained control over whom and how she loved. And she loved the man in front of her. She'd been thinking and praying about this for a week. And she'd decided.

"If Sarah can't find some way around this…. something that doesn't include putting your past on trial…. then I'll do what he wants. I'll take that job in New Orleans, and I'll keep Henry with me. I'll make him sign it in blood, if I have to. But I'll hold him to it."

Reid stiffened. "JJ, no! You can't leave your job, your friends….and what about your mother? What would she do without you and Henry? And you hate New Orleans, you've already told me that."

"What choice is there, Spence? If I stay, he'll go after you. And I can't live with that."

"There _is_ another choice. And we both know what it is."

"But you love working for the BAU! You've told me that, over and over again. It's not like you've never been offered anything else. And…how ironic is it…. the day you tell me that you're healthy enough to stay….and, I'll remind you that you also said you had no plans to leave…. how ironic is it that you should even consider it, because of me? I don't want to be the cause of you doing something you don't want to do, Spence."

"You aren't the cause. None of this is your fault."

"Still. For you the BAU is work that you think is important, and friends….and family. Spence, we both know that the BAU is family to you in a way that it isn't to anyone else."

"JJ, you and Henry are my family. In any way that counts, anyway. I'm going to lose you one way or the other. But at least I don't have to cost you everyone else who supports you."

He was right, and she knew it. There was no containing the loss. The best they could do was to look for a way to endure it. And she knew he wouldn't be able to, if he thought she'd been stripped of everything and everyone who was important to her.

The weight of the situation crushed her once again. Her breath became subsumed into a great sob, and she moved into his arms, and clung to him, and wept against him. In his grasp, she felt his body shake, and knew that he was crying too. Long after each of them had quieted, they remained like that, holding one another, holding on. Holding the fleeting preciousness of what was between them.

Finally, Reid took her arms and held her away from him. When he did, she could see the drying tracks along his cheeks.

"I need to go. I need some time. I need to process this." _I need to punch something._ "I'm sorry, but I have to."

She gave him a defeated nod. "Just promise me you won't do anything. Please. Not until Sarah has a chance to think of a strategy."

"I could ask you the same thing."

That brought a small smile. "You mean, you'll do it if I'll do it? Does that mean we should pinky swear or something?"

He smiled in return. And raised a pinky.


	52. Chapter 52

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 52**

He didn't even remember the ride home. His eyes had been on the road, but all he'd been able to see was red. Now, with his car parked in front of his building, he couldn't bring himself to go inside. He felt trapped, and angry, and he didn't feel like he could contain himself within four walls.

 _I'd punch right through one of them. I'm beginning to understand that maybe there's some wisdom to how Morgan handles things. Or, if not wisdom, just...maybe…. satisfaction._

Reid started walking, plodding forth without destination, emotion his only compass.

 _I don't even know where to go. Not with my feet….and not with my life. I just know I can't be home right now. I can't go back inside and pull out a book and wish for this to all go away._

He'd tried that already, when he'd lost Maeve. Not the wishing part. But he _had_ barricaded himself in his apartment, and kept all of the others away, despite their attempts at phone calls and visits. He'd pulled nearly every book he owned off its shelf, searching through them for the answers that couldn't be found, to questions he could barely frame. He'd wanted to understand. He'd _needed_ to understand.

But, this time, he understood all too well.

 _I'm meant to be alone. Some people are meant to go through life a certain way, and I'm one of them. I get that. I do. What I don't get is….. why? No, actually, it's more than that. Because, once upon a time, I was content with it. I wasn't looking for anything else. I didn't know any better, really. And I sure didn't know how to have an actual relationship._

 _But then….. I met some people who came to see me as a colleague. A friend. A real one. Not the kind you have to keep at arm's length in case your mother is having an episode. But the kind I could let my guard down with….well, a little….the kind who saw me in all my weirdness, and still accepted me._

 _And then…a best friend. Someone I could let deep inside, and who did the same with me. It's ironic, really. If it hadn't been for JJ teaching me how to do that, I might never have been able to open up to Maeve. And, if not for Maeve, I would probably have never seen myself having a relationship with a woman at all, ever. And seeing that, has brought me right back to JJ._

 _And that's what I don't get. If I was meant to go through life alone, why did You give me a taste of something else? Something more? Is it some kind of game? Did I get the suffering wrong with Maeve? Did I not suffer enough? Do I need to keep losing people I love until I get it right?_

 _I don't even know Who I'm talking to. Somebody I don't believe in? Look what You've done to me!_

Wishing he believed, so he could have a target for his hate.

But it wasn't just some 'higher being' that he was angry with. Not Fate. Not Karma.

There was also a human target for his anger. Will LaMontagne.

 _What can you possibly hope to get from this? Do you think she's going to love you if you take her away from me? Do you think she'll be grateful that you put Henry through this?_

He'd tried. Reid had tried, over and over again, to be sympathetic. It had been obvious to him, even before that ill-conceived spur-of-the-moment wedding, that his best friend's relationship with the father of her child was tenuous, at best, formed of loosened threads, and not of fabric. He'd felt bad for Will, relocated in quest of something that Reid suspected would never be his…JJ's heart.

 _I think she tried to give it to him. Especially when Henry was born, I think she tried. She wanted Henry to have a real family, so she tried to love his father. But she couldn't make it happen just by willing it to be so. And neither could Will. And that's what's made him so bitter._

What was less clear to Reid was whether Will was aiming to hurt JJ as much as he was aiming to hurt the man she had fallen in love with. All he knew was that the man had succeeded in devastating both of them.

 _And Henry._

Henry. What would Henry think of him? What would it do to the little boy, to have to wonder if he wasn't worthy enough of his godfather's love? Reid was all too familiar with the possibilities.

 _Maybe JJ can help him. Maybe she can make him see it's not his fault. Maybe she can help him focus on what, and who, he has left._

Maybe she could help her son forget about his godfather. Reid's breath actually hitched at the thought. But then he desperately tried to find comfort from it.

 _Maybe it won't be as bad as I think, for him. Maybe he won't remember me, a few years from now. He's young. And his memory isn't eidetic. Maybe he'll get over it._

But, as consoling as that thought should have been, it also brought a whole new level of heartache for Reid. The idea that he might, one day, not even be a part of his his beloved godson's memory, pierced whatever meager emotional armor Reid had left. His tears began to seek their freedom, running slowly down his face, unimpeded. He walked on, paying no attention to the other pedestrians whose gaze lingered on the man with the features so finely etched with grief, the face now bathed in its essence.

In what seemed like an endless cycle of rumination, his mind visited, and revisited, the whole of his life.

 _I'm born, to a set of parents who love me, and one another. But I lose Mom to her illness, and Dad to….who even knows what I lost him to. I'm changed, but I survive._

 _I escape the disaster that is my home to go to school, to spend my days doing the thing that I love most….learning. Only to suffer the torment of being different, of having 'friends' I can't trust, and others who hate me outright, and righteously. I'm changed, but I survive._

 _I'm offered a chance to use my gifts, to make a difference, with the FBI, only to lose the wisdom of the man who recruited me. I suffer loss, and terror, and physical pain, and torture….even addiction. I'm changed, but I survive._

 _I find friendship with some of the most awesome people in the world. I find, for the first time in my life, that one, special friend. That someone who comes to know me….who I am, who I want to be. Who not only accepts me, but genuinely likes me. Who even loves me, and makes me a part of her family. For the first time in my life, I learn how to really trust. How to find myself in the eyes of someone else. How to really_ like _myself. How to_ accept _myself._

 _Without that, I could never have loved Maeve. I'm not crazy. I know it was unusual. We'd never met, we'd never even seen each other. I would never have been able to trust that, if not for JJ. For all I knew, Maeve might have been like every middle school or high school mean girl, just leading me on with deceiving messages. I would have been too wary around her, if not for JJ. But I wasn't wary. I_ knew _it could be genuine. I was open, and charmed, and enchanted, and thrilled. And I was unique in her life, as she was in mine. I didn't have to share her, or her love, with anyone, even Bobby. I was_ chosen _._

 _Only to lose her in the most devastatingly possible way. And that, I knew, I would_ not _survive._

 _Until I was saved by the love of my best friend. My anam cara. All that had come before, I survived on my own. I was changed, but I survived. Maeve…..sweet, beautiful Maeve…..I know I could not have survived losing her on my own. I would have been lost, surely. I_ was _lost, for a long time. I was living some kind of half-life, waiting, hoping for it to end. I am as confident as I can be of anything, that I would not still be here, if not for JJ._

 _And so, I was changed, but I survived. And then I almost lost the means of my survival. How could I not have risked my life to save hers?_ _She'd made me hold on, but I was holding on to_ her _. What would have happened if I'd lost her then?_

He knew the answer to that. It was the same thing he could feel happening to him now, as he was losing her in the moment. His heart would have gone heavy, as though beating were too much effort for it. His eyes would have gone unseeing, as though the world was no longer able to bring him anything of beauty, or wonder. His future would have constricted, become no larger than the space it took to put one foot in front of the other. It could cease to be at any moment….and he wouldn't miss it. Not a future without the woman and boy he loved.

 _I won't be looking back on this. I won't be telling myself this story, some day, and following it with 'and I survived'. Because I won't. I can't. I don't want to._

 _Don't You understand? I'm tired. I ache in places that can't be reached, not even by dilaudid. I don't have it in me._

 _And I'm back to it again. Why did You give me such joy, to know I love her and am loved by her, if it was meant to end in such pain?_

"Why?!"

He didn't even realize he'd said it aloud until it echoed back to him, the sound of his voice bouncing off a grove of trees in the park. He'd walked, seemingly for hours, wandering as a stranger in a strange land, only to startle himself back to awareness in familiar territory.

In the distance, he saw the chess kids all huddled around a single table, and knew there must be an intense contest underway. Reid veered away from that direction. He didn't have it in him to play mentor today. Instead, he found an isolated bench and sat, suddenly as physically weary as he was psychically, and emotionally.

The weight of what he carried hunched him forward. Elbows on his knees, he lowered his face into trembling hands, and wept.


	53. Chapter 53

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 53**

The house was cleaner than it had been since they'd moved in, nary a trace of habitation within. No smudges, not an iota of dust, every pillow fluffed and in place, every toy in its bin. JJ looked around at the fruits of her emotionally frenzied labor.

 _There's nothing left to clean. Nothing left to straighten up. Except my whole life._

Which brought the tears once again. After Reid had left her, she'd cried herself out, or so she'd thought, to the point where she couldn't stand herself any more.

 _This isn't who you are. You don't fold. You fight. So why are you not fighting?_

But she couldn't find a foothold for it. Everywhere she turned, there was risk. If she fought Will on his demands, he would go after Reid, publicly humiliating a man who had never done anything to him.

 _Except love your wife and your son._

Part of her understood. She hadn't lived with Will LaMontagne for the past seven years, hadn't made a child with him, without seeing his vulnerabilities. In truth, it was his vulnerability that had enamored her, when she'd first met him in that time after his father died. He'd seemed sweet, and he certainly knew how to charm the ladies. But, mostly, he'd seemed like a lost boy, and it had touched her, awakened her maternal instinct, perhaps. It wasn't until after she'd actually been pregnant, and he'd shown up unexpectedly as they were working a case, that she'd begun to see the neediness beneath his vulnerability.

 _If only I'd realized. But I just thought he was so excited about being a father._

The memory of that time brought with it an unexpected pang of guilt. Because, needy or not, Will _had_ been excited. He'd been thrilled. And protective, and thoughtful, and solicitous. He'd even given in on her naming Henry's godparents.

 _He's scared. We're both scared. Neither of us wants to do anything to hurt Henry. At least we have that in common. But only one of us realizes that Henry is really the only thing we have in common anymore. And he's not thinking straight. He's not realizing that what he's doing_ will _hurt Henry, one way or another._

She knew Will was lashing out, hurt. She knew he'd always been jealous of the place Reid had in her heart, even in those days when neither of the profilers could have conceived of loving one another in a different way. Will had as much as told her so. He knew she'd withheld parts of herself from him, yet shared them with her best friend.

 _Maybe because I didn't need to? I had the support I needed, even before I met Will. If I hadn't, I don't think I could have lasted in the job. And Spence was going through that awful time, when we went to New Orleans. He'd been distant from me, from all of us. Maybe that's why I was so open to Will in the first place._

But then Reid had found his way back to himself, and to her. Their friendship on solid ground once again, she'd held it close. There had been no room for Will to come between them.

 _No, I let Emily's 'death' do that._

For a while, their friend's non-demise had looked to spell the end of their friendship. Will had been far more supportive of JJ's upset about Reid's righteous anger than he'd been about her comforting of her best friend through his unnecessary grieving.

 _That's when I told him about the dilaudid, stupid me! When we had that terrible fight. Will thought Spence was gone from our lives. He thought he'd have all of me._

But he hadn't, and Reid's absence had been only a temporary one. And, once Reid had returned to his usual place in JJ's life, Will LaMontagne had, rightly or wrongly, blamed the genius profiler for the alienation of his wife's affection.

 _Maybe he wasn't wrong. Maybe I just didn't see it, because I couldn't afford to. All I knew was that I needed to work on my marriage. And I tried. But did I try hard enough? Can 'hard enough' be measured by success or failure? Or was it just inevitable that we would come apart?_

She'd been through all of this before, countless times. She'd thought long and hard, and long and hard again, and again, and again, before concluding that she had to put an end to their marriage. But it was ingrained in JJ to be fair, and just, and she couldn't help but own some of the responsibility for the dilemma she was now in. The dilemma they were _all_ in.

She'd been in anguish ever since she'd heard Will's demands, and never more so than when she'd had to share them with Spence, and seen the pain of it reflected in his face. And she'd been angry, frustratingly angry. Because, at times, her anger bordered on hatred, and she knew she couldn't afford to hate the father of her child. Henry would read it, and it would poison his relationship with Will. For all she knew, it might poison his relationship with Reid, as well, and with her. So, whether from fairness or fear, she forced herself to own it. To approach it any other way would be to risk an explosion, and the shrapnel might well wound her son.

So she'd cleaned, in a way she hadn't done since….well, she couldn't remember a time she'd cleaned quite like this. It was as though she'd been trying to expunge the evidence of a life she was no longer living, and would not live again. Any of Will's things that he'd not moved to his new apartment had been packaged and put in the basement. The kitchen no longer held his preferred brand of beer, the bathroom no longer held his toothbrush, nor his aftershave.

But, in her mad frenzy to remove any reminders of her husband, and of their life together, she'd put away parts of her own life. Gone from the mantle were the photos from her visits to New Orleans, and of their wedding. She'd moved a few candids of Will to Henry's bedroom. Her husband would have a remaining presence in her household after all, but it couldn't be helped. Most painful for her had been the boxing of photos of herself with Spence, at his belated thirtieth birthday party, and again, at one of Henry's.

One other photo….her favorite, by far….had found a new home in her lingerie drawer. Neither of her two favorite males had been aware she was capturing the moment as Reid sat with Henry on his lap, an animated look on his face as he was obviously bringing to life one of the characters from the book he was reading. And Henry, a look of rapt wonder on his face, as he looked up at his godfather. She'd treasured the moment, just as she now treasured the captured memory of it.

She'd cried as she'd put it into the box with the rest, destined for indefinite storage. But impulse had overcome her, and she'd rescued it from its uncertain fate. Now, she found herself wandering back into the bedroom, and visiting it again. She lifted it from its resting place and gazed at it, unconsciously running her finger over the features of the man who'd left her in anguish, hours ago.

 _I'm so sorry, Spence. I'm sorry that loving me has cost you so much. I'm sorry that I've caused you pain, even when it was the last thing I would ever want to do. If it was only me, I'd fight. But I don't know how to do that without hurting you even more, and I can't live with that. And I can't let Henry live through it._

Gently, she replaced the photograph, face down, in the drawer. Closing it, she went back out to the living room and saw, in the angled sunlight, a few smudges she'd missed. She grabbed a cloth and began rubbing at them, preparing to start her new, sterile, life.

* * *

"Spencer! Spencer!"

The words broke through the surface of his dream, helped along by some gentle jostling. Reid slowly blinked himself awake.

"Spencer! Are you all right?"

As his vision came gradually back into focus, Reid recognized the anxious face of Gary Wu, only inches from his. Stiffness slowed the unfolding of his limbs as he pushed off the park bench. Judging from the angle of the sun, he must have slept for an hour or two.

"Are you all right? You were sleeping on the bench!" The oddity of it evident in the tone of the young teen's voice.

Reid sat forward and rubbed at his face, trying to get oriented. His tongue was dry when he tried to speak.

"I fell asleep?"

Gary thought that was obvious. "Why are you here? Are you all right?"

It was the third time he'd asked, and his concern finally penetrated Reid's sleep-induced haze. The mentor patted his protégé on the knee.

"I'm fine. Thanks for worrying, but you don't need to. I was just….. I guess I was just tired."

Gary's look told Reid the young man wasn't buying it. But he also wasn't about to challenge the chess master.

"You missed it! I beat Chad!"

"You….. weren't you just losing to him, a few weeks ago? On purpose, I mean."

"Yes! That's how good he is….I don't need to lose to him anymore! He can beat me on his own, now!"

In spite of everything, Gary's enthusiasm brought a smile to Reid's face. He knew what it was like to find a worthy opponent.

"Well, good, then. And congratulations on beating him."

"Thanks!"

Gary stood up to leave, but then turned back.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

Reid forced his lips into a smile. "Fine."

* * *

The walk back to his apartment was every bit as distracted as the trek away from it had been. But, this time, Reid's steps were purposeful, directed. He thanked David Rossi, in absentia, for advice the man had given him several years ago.

" _Listen, Spencer," he'd said, "If you want to feel better, you can't control the process. You have to let yourself grieve."_

At the time, Rossi had been giving advice to Reid about not avoiding his dreams of Maeve. With difficulty…and with trepidation….the younger man had followed the elder's advice… and been gifted with a beautiful, lasting moment of peace.

Reid had learned from that experience. He'd learned from _everything_ having to do with Maeve. He'd learned that he _was_ suited to a romantic relationship. He'd learned to face his grief, and not to run from it. And he'd learned that there was still joy to be found in life, after devastating loss. Well, technically he'd learned that from JJ, but still…

And so, today, he'd let the dream come. It hadn't been volitional. He hadn't intended to fall asleep on a park bench. Pure exhaustion had done that to him. But he'd been aware of the dream, somehow, even as he was having it. He knew that, because he was surprised he'd not dreamt of JJ, or Henry. Or, even, Will LaMontagne.

Instead, he'd dreamt, once again, of Maeve. She'd come to him unexpectedly, as she always did. She'd smiled at him, and invited him to dance. And he'd taken her hand, and stood, and put his arms around her, and swayed back and forth to the rhythm of music he couldn't actually hear. All he'd heard were her words. She'd quoted Merton to him, once again, as she had in the final seconds of her life. But the words she'd quoted were different this time. And he intended to act on them.

* * *

JJ woke to the sound of pounding on her door, surprised to find her cheeks moist. She rose from the sofa where she'd succumbed to her exhaustion and looked out the living room window. Through the parted curtain, she could make out Reid's car parked at the curb. Swiping at her cheeks, she made her way to the door and opened it.

His hair was wild, as though he'd slept on it. His face was still pale with grief. But his eyes held fire.

"I'm all right," she said, thinking he'd been worried about her. But she could barely get it out, making the lie all the more obvious. "I'm all right," she tried again, trying to put some certainty into her voice, trying to sound convincing.

But he wasn't having it. Reid moved in on her, forcing her backwards. He took her by the shoulders, his voice thick, husky.

"What if _I'm_ not all right?"

She stood there, in his grasp, eyes wide, heart pounding. _What are you doing?!_

She was silent for so long that he actually shook her. "What if I don't want to live the rest of my life without you? What if I can't even conceive of it?"

JJ's lips started to move, ineffectively. They opened and closed several times, but produced no sound.

Finally, "What are you saying?"

The little observer inside Reid's head echoed the question, in spite of his determination.

 _What_ are _you saying? Do you even know what you're doing?_

He may have been driven by pure emotion, but he _did_ know what he was doing. And he had every intention of carrying through with it. For years, he'd negotiated with demented unsubs, faced down people who'd taken lives with abandon. And yet, in this moment, he knew, he was about to make the boldest move of his life.

' _Little observer man be damned'_ , thought Reid. ' _This is my once-in-a-lifetime!'_

And so he told her.

"I'm saying that I want you. I want you in my life, I want to wake up to you every morning, and hold you every night. I want to grow old with you. _With_ you, JJ. Not just knowing that you're out there in the world somewhere. Not just remembering how we were with one another, who we were _to_ one another. I want to be _with_ you. Tell me you want it, too."

She'd completely filled up as he was speaking, and now she had to swallow a sob before she could respond.

"I do! I want you, Spence! I don't want to let you go! But…."

His hands tightened on her arms.

"No 'buts'! We'll figure it out. We'll find a way. I don't care what else it costs me, as long as it doesn't cost me you!"

She couldn't help it. _He_ might not care what happened to him, but _she_ did.

"Spence…"

"No. JJ, please, listen to me. I'm not being a martyr here. And I'm not fighting for the sake of fighting. I'm not trying to make a point. I'm trying to live my life. To _live_ it."

He was intent, and intense, and she couldn't look away from him. She'd never quite seen him like this.

"JJ….."

He broke his eyes away, searching for the right words, visibly frustrated when they wouldn't come. Until they did.

"I don't know how to explain it. Except to say that…..well, sometimes…..sometimes, I feel like I've been underwater for most of my life. And, now….just now…..I've broken the surface. And I can breathe."

He was still holding on to her, and could feel her trembling in his hands. So he went for it.

"I'm making a choice here, and I'm asking you to make it with me. Will you fight for us?"

His eyes bored into hers, pleading with those blue depths to give him the answer he so desperately wanted. Even as she brought her hands to her mouth in a vain attempt to restrain a sob, he saw her response. It was there, in the blue. Just a change in the light, a little sparkle, and he knew. All she had to do…..all she could _manage_ to do….was nod.

He drew a long breath of relief.

"All right, then. We're in it together. We fight."

Finally, she found her voice.

"Together."

He smiled at her. He smiled, and pulled her close and breathed in the scent of her, and savored the feel of her in his arms. He rested his chin on the top of her head, and felt all the ways she fit so perfectly against him.

She felt the weight of his arms across her back, and the palm of his hand caressing her head. She heard the rhythm of his heart, steady, and strong, and faithful, and it encouraged her.

Nothing had been settled, not really. They still faced a battle for custody...one that could turn ugly. They couldn't know if Will would carry out his threat. If he did, it might put Reid's job in jeopardy, and it would definitely sully his reputation. If they weren't extraordinarily careful, it might also cost them Henry, and that was simply unthinkable. So they wouldn't think of it. Not now.

All they would do now, in this moment, was to hold on to one another, to hold on to something that had been eluding each of them for a very long time.

Home.

They'd found each other in a new way. And having been lost, and then found, they'd come home.


	54. Chapter 54

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 54**

"Is this even still the same day? I feel like I've lived a lifetime since this morning."

JJ sighed as she adjusted herself against Reid's shoulder. They'd sought refuge on her sofa, each of them both physically and emotionally spent from the waves of anguish, and relief, and joy that had marked the previous hours, all of it still shadowed by their concern about what might lie ahead.

"Tell me about it. I think I must have analyzed every single turn of my life between when I left here this morning, and when I came back again."

She tilted her head up to look at him. "And was this one of those turns?"

"It was 'the' one of those turns." He wrapped his free arm around her and pulled her close. "Especially since you didn't run away in horror."

She pushed off and sat up. "Did you really think that might happen?"

"I hoped not. But….well, we've never talked about it, not like this. And I _thought_ you felt the same way. I hoped you did. But I couldn't be sure I wasn't just projecting, and…"

She put a hand over his lips to quiet him. it wouldn't be until later that she would realize a much more effective means of doing so.

"I'm glad you said it. Thank _God_ you said it. Because, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not very good at that sort of thing. I mean, it's one thing to talk to my best friend and tell him I love him….because I always have…."

Rewarded with a smile

"…But I….I don't know, I guess it just takes more emotional courage than I own, to step out and tell someone you're _in_ love with them. _Especially_ your best friend."

He laughed out loud.

"Courage? You think I have courage? If you only knew… I was _terrified_ , but …..I just couldn't _not_ do it. That would have been even more terrifying. That's what I realized, when I was in the park. I was just sitting and crying. It felt like death, like I was giving in and choosing a life that was all about waiting for it to end."

It was the first she'd heard of how he'd spent their hours apart. The image he'd just given her brought new tears to her eyes. She hadn't thought it possible that she had any left.

"Spence…" She reached out to caress his face.

He settled his cheek into her hand.

"It's all right. I kind of fell asleep that way. But I woke up ready for a fight."

She frowned. "You were sleeping on a park bench?"

 _At least I did my crying in the comfort of my own home._

He squeezed the hand resting on his cheek.

"Don't feel sorry for me, JJ. I did enough of that on my own today. But I'm done with it now. It may have taken me thirty five years, but I finally know what I want…the kind of _life_ I want... and who I want to live it with."

She gave him a half smile, teasing. "For a genius, you sure are a slow learner."

He returned it. "Not at all. It's more that …. well, I guess I've never quite thought it _could_ happen to me. I _hoped_ for it, once upon a time, but…"

 _But Diane took Maeve away from you. And, with Maeve, went your hope._

His words intruded on her thought.

"But you made me see that differently. You made me think that, maybe, it _could_ happen, if I wanted it badly enough. And I do."

Their hands found each other's, and they sat, looking at one another, in one of the most earnest conversations of their lives. If they were going to move forward together, they needed to be clear about their pasts.

"Honestly, Spence, I could say the same. Some part of me has always known that I was with Will mostly because of Henry. It just took me a while to say it out loud, even to myself. I _thought_ it was what I wanted, you know? I mean, even being in the FBI, I'd still always thought I would be a wife and mother someday. After all, that's pretty much what _everybody_ did, in my home town. But, even when I got there…still, my life wasn't…. _isn't_ ….what I'd thought it would be." Adding, after a moment's more reflection, "Not that anyone's ever is, I guess."

"But we have to _try_ , don't we? We shouldn't settle, right?"

She studied him. "Okay, when did you get to be so wise?"

"Not wise. Just… enlightened."

"Enlightened, then. What made you change your mind while you were sleeping on a park bench?"

One word. "Maeve."

Hearing the name of the woman he'd loved and lost, it hit her, all at once. She wasn't the only one bringing baggage to their relationship. She knew she couldn't leave Will in her past. They shared Henry. Will would be a part of her present…of _their_ present…for a long time to come. But, she suddenly realized, so might Maeve.

"Maeve?"

"I had a dream, and she was in it."

"And she's the one who told you to go for it?"

"We were dancing, and…."

She'd tried to stifle it, but he'd caught just the slightest change in her expression.

"Sorry," he explained. "I can't help it. It's what she always wants to do in my dreams."

"I wonder why." Knowing they'd never met, until minutes before the woman's death. Reid and Maeve had never danced together in life.

"I don't know. I just know it's always like that. And, sometimes, we talk."

"I take it you talked this time?"

"Mm-hmm. Well, it was more that we were exchanging quotes. It's something we usually did when we ended our phone calls. But, this time, it was pretty much the whole conversation. We were speaking through the words of others."

"And she quoted something that changed how you felt about us?"

"No…nothing could change that, JJ. She said something…or, more to the point, Thomas Merton said something, that changed my _reaction_ to the situation."

JJ's mind flashed immediately back to that night in the loft. She would never forget, as long as she lived, that horrifically cruel, fateful night, and the events that had so deeply wounded her dearest friend. Just as she would never forget the courage of Maeve, and some of the last words she'd ever spoken.

"I remember that quote. She recited it….that night. Even with everything that followed, it stayed in my head, I don't even know how. But it was beautiful. Wasn't it something like, ' _Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another'_?"

He stared at her, touched that _she'd_ been touched. "That's it exactly."

JJ's voice had trailed off at the end, as she'd listened to herself reciting the words. And she wondered.

"Are you saying that you think she wasn't talking about the two of you? That she was talking about your future without her?"

The idea seemed new to him. "I don't…. I guess. Maybe. I've never really thought about it that way before."

Now JJ was confused. "But I thought you said…"

"It wasn't that. That wasn't one of the quotes she recited to me."

"There's more of Merton?"

Now he gave her a look of bemusement. "I think I'm going to have to broaden your horizons."

She snorted. "Hmph. Please do. Now that Henry can read on his own, I'm ready for some grown up stuff again. But, come on, Spence, you have me intrigued. What did she say to you?"

"All right. Actually, she said a lot of things. But two of them… I almost felt like she was _shaking_ me, when she said them. I knew there was something she really wanted me to hear."

"And…?" Impatient now.

"She recited a Merton quote that goes, ' _We have what we seek, it is there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us.'_ Honestly, when she said that, I felt like she'd been inside my head all week. Because I'd just realized that there _wasn't_ some unnamed person out there, who I could meet through datemybestfrienddotcom. The person I'd been looking for, all this time, _was_ my best friend."

Tears rushed to her eyes once again, and she put a hand to her mouth. "Me too."

He took her hand away, and lifted it to his own lips, and kissed the back of it, before continuing the story.

"And then she gave me another quote, and it was the thing that got me back on track. It made me ready to fight."

"Must have been something pretty powerful."

"It was. Merton said, ' _We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.'_ And I knew. I knew it right away. I've only been myself… _truly_ myself…. with Maeve and with you. And I couldn't have done it with Maeve if not for you. In fact, I don't even think I really knew myself until I met you, until you taught me how to see myself through your eyes."

"How so?"

Internally, he squirmed, just a little bit, embarrassed. Even with JJ.

"It was…" Still hesitant. It sounded too pathetic, even to him. "Uh…I guess it was because I'd started to believe the things I'd heard all my life. That I was a misfit, a weirdo, a wimp, a geek. I didn't get to know myself because I kept running away from me. In a weird way, I didn't want to associate with myself. Even when I first came to the BAU. I barely looked in a mirror, because I was embarrassed about who was looking back."

"Spence!" Outraged for him. And, just a little bit, _at_ him, for having treated himself so poorly.

He waved it off. "Don't feel sorry for me, JJ. That's who I _was_. I'm not that person now. And it all started when a certain someone didn't laugh at me, or make fun of my clothes, or…"

He stopped when he saw her redden.

"Really?"

"Not you, Spence. Never you. But the _clothes_?" She looked a not-so-genuine apology at him.

He made a show of looking down at what he was wearing. But it was still Saturday, and he was in a sport shirt and jeans, not his usual trousers and sweater vest.

"Better?"

"Infinitely. Or maybe you just…you know…fill them out a little better now."

His eyes went wide. "Jennifer Jareau. Here I thought I'd won you with my mind and my charismatic personality. And you're saying it's my body?"

He'd made her laugh. Not that he was entirely wrong, but he'd reminded her of how much things had changed, both between them, and within them.

"It's _all_ of those things, Spence. But, mostly, it's this, right here." Patting his chest. "I've never known anyone with a bigger heart. That you would choose to share it with me and my little boy….. I just...I feel humbled. And I will be forever grateful."

There was a part of Spencer Reid that still wasn't quite willing to deem himself worthy of the love of this woman who was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. But he beat it back down as he responded to her.

"It's the same way for me. I love you both, JJ. I feel like I always have. I _know_ I always will."

"And I love you, Spencer Reid. _All_ of you. Brains, brawn, and wardrobe. I'm _in_ love with all of you." Realizing she hadn't actually said the words until just now.

The air between them crackled with an almost delicious tension. Within it, the two sat facing one another, hands entwined, each set of eyes boring into the other's, their gazes penetrating, searching, questioning. And then Reid's eyes broke away, almost impossibly, given the blue depths in which they'd been swimming. But there was another part of her face attracting them now.

JJ's eyes caught the movement of Reid's and followed suit, flitting back and forth between his eyes and his lips. The pair leaned in toward one another, curiosity and desire battling for prominence in their features. And then, it happened. Slowly, tentatively, their lips came together, and they kissed.

It was short. Later, each of them would describe it as sweet. But, in the moment….

They fell back apart, looking their uncertainty at one another, suddenly feeling awkward, and sharing a brief, bashful giggle.

JJ started. "That was…" Pausing, not quite knowing what to say.

"Weird," he finished for her.

JJ nodded.

 _Maybe we can't change who we are to one another. Maybe 'best friend' is as good as it gets,_ she thought.

But then he leaned in again, and drew her closer, as he added another word. "Weird... and wonderful." And his lips captured hers once again.

"Mmmm," was all she could manage.

This one was long, and slow, and exploring. Reid's hands found her jaw, and he held her there, caressing her face as he kissed her lips, and then her eyes, and then the tip of her nose, before returning to her mouth. JJ felt all the tension leave her body, and melted into it...the kiss, his grasp, the cocoon of feeling loved.

In time, sated, he broke it off, still holding her face in his hands.

JJ was still a little breathless. "I think we're getting the hang of this," she panted.

He smiled. " I told you before…I've always been a fast learner."


	55. Chapter 55

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 55**

"Spence…."

JJ broke off from him, keeping him at arm's length. She smiled at what she saw in his eyes. But it was going to have to wait. _They_ were going to have to wait.

"Down, boy."

"What?" Hungry for more. And more. And more.

JJ closed her eyes, and carried out an internal battle. She wanted it every bit as much as he did. But there might be price to pay, and she wasn't about to risk it.

"We can't. Not now. We need to wait."

"We do?" Desire blew his pupils wide.

He was gorgeous. That was a given. But what was happening with his eyes…that was almost too much for her.

 _Stop it. Stop. Think like an unsub. Then, realizing… No, no! Think like Will. It's Will, not an unsub!_

"Yes, we do. I'm sorry. But we do. I don't want to give them ammunition."

"Who? Don't want to give…..what?" He might as well have been drunk. Reid was lost in her.

"Them. Will and his lawyer. We need…..what do they call it? Plausible deniability. I need to be able to go to court and say I've never…..you know."

Ever so slowly, he started to come back to earth. As he did so, Reid's eyes narrowed. He _did_ know. But…..

"Does that mean I'm being accused of something besides being an addict? Because he has to know that's not true."

"He knows _both_ things aren't true. But his lawyer doesn't, and neither will a judge. And the only way things will go remotely smoothly is if we proceed with a no-fault divorce. That means there's no infidelity, no cruelty and no false pretense."

"But there _aren't_ any of those things. There _haven't_ been."

She knew she was frustrating him, she could see it in his eyes, and hear it in his tone. But she simply didn't feel like she could take the chance.

"I know it, Spence. And I'm sorry if you think I'm being extreme. But I want to be able to go to court and say that there's been no one else. And I want to be telling the truth when I do."

She _was_ frustrating him. He didn't think she was making sense, but he also recognized that the issue was too tender for an argument just now.

"All right. Whatever you want. I know the stakes are high, and the last thing I want to do is to add to the problem."

"I'm sorry."

Sounding near tears again. It seemed the roller coaster ride wasn't quite over.

Reid raised an arm in invitation, which she accepted. As she snuggled into him, he brought his arm back down and pulled her close.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. It's a crazy situation, and you don't want to let it get any crazier. I get that. It's just…."

She looked up when he hesitated. "Just what?"

He smiled down at her. "Just that I told the most amazing woman in the world that I love her, and, miracle of miracles, she loves me too! And now we have to wait a _year_?!"

She pushed off, the better to look at him. "I'm not planning on that. I'm hoping I can talk some sense into him, or that Sarah can get his lawyer to do it. But…. just for now, Spence, all right? It's all too new….the separation, you and me….. I just want to be sure I'm being careful. The stakes are way too high for me not to be."

He pulled her back down to rest against him. "You're right. And I hope that you know that the last thing I will ever do is push you. It's just….I love you."

 _And I want to know what it is to make love, and not just to have sex._

She reached her arms around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug.

"And I love you. All the more for understanding." Pausing a moment. "Well," giving him a knowing look, "for trying to _pretend_ that you understand."

He blushed, found out. "All right, if you're going to make me be honest, then I will be. It doesn't completely make sense to me. So I hope we can talk about it again when it's not so new. But, right now, I think there's something else we should talk about."

She didn't follow him. "What?"

"Me. Drugs. Who needs to know."

"Now?"

"I said it doesn't matter, and it doesn't. Having you and Henry in my life is far more important to me than protecting my reputation. But my reputation may be what gets in the way of my being allowed to have anything to do with Henry, and I don't want to risk that. So, yes….now."

She nodded, understanding. "Okay. Where do we start?"

"I guess we should start with who knows what, and who only assumes it. Like, what about your attorney?"

"Sarah?"

"Yes. When she asked you if I'd ever had a drug problem, what did you tell her?"

"The truth. That you'd been drugged by an unsub and had to go through withdrawal, all on your own."

"So she knows."

"She knows, but it's privileged information. She won't disclose it if I ask her not to."

"But you didn't tell her that I'd continued to use after Hankel?"

She shrugged. "That wasn't my story to tell."

He smiled at her, in spite of everything. "You were protecting me. You didn't need to do that."

"Considering it was my problem that brought the whole thing up, yes, I did need to do it."

He spent a moment in thought, and then reached a conclusion. "I think you need to tell her. She needs to know. If she's going to try to find a way out of this, she needs to know how bad it can get."

"Spence…"

"JJ, she at least needs to know what Will knows. So, what about him? What do you think he actually _knows_?"

She beat down the guilt that wanted to rise every time she thought about how she'd confirmed her husband's suspicions.

"He didn't know anything for sure until I was stupid enough to tell him about our argument."

Reid put a finger to her lips, shaking his head _. No more blame._

She returned a weak smile. "Then he told me that he'd picked up on some talk when we first met him on that case in New Orleans. He could tell some of the team were angry with you, and that you went missing for a while. But he never brought it up again, until I told him what you'd said."

"I'm sorry I did that. It wasn't fair."

"But…was it true?" It had been such a distant time in their relationship, she hadn't been able to ask.

"That I considered it?"

She watched him bite his lower lip, and it was answer enough. He was trying to protect her from knowing.

"I'm sorry, too, Spence. I know I've said it a thousand times since then, but…"

"But you haven't forgiven yourself, just as I haven't forgiven myself for so many things."

"We _are_ an unforgiving pair, aren't we?"

"Only when it comes to ourselves. And it hampers us. I can't go into a fight against Will if I feel like he's right about me. And neither of us can change what's happened in the past. So how about we give it up. I promise to forgive myself, if you'll promise to forgive yourself."

She heaved a great sigh, that ended with a single word. "Deal."

He tightened his arm around her again. "All right then. So, Will knows."

"He knows that it happened in the past, and that you resisted it, when Emily was...gone. And I told him that it wasn't something you did on your own. I told him about Tobias Hankel."

Reid nodded. "Does he know I took the vials?"

"The… what?"

He closed his eyes for a second, now aware that he was telling her something new.

"Before we left the woods, that night. I asked for a minute alone with Tobias. I used the privacy to take two vials of dilaudid from his pocket."

Surprise painted JJ's face. "I never knew that."

He looked sideways at her. "Does that change things? Because it did, for me. I had no control over being injected with it. But I had control over my own actions."

"Spence, didn't we just make a deal? And, besides, you were under the influence already. You weren't thinking clearly."

"Clearly enough to get hold of his gun and kill him."

"It was instinct. He was about to kill you. He was…." Suddenly, her hands came up and covered her face.

"What? What is it?" His voice gentle, probing, as he took both of her hands in his free one, and lowered them.

"I've never been able to think about that…about _you_ ….and what he was planning to do to you. I thought I was afraid of the woods _before_ , but, then…. that he was making you dig…"

She felt a stiffening in his limbs, and looked up at his face. He was staring ahead, his eyes gone dark.

"Spence," cupping the far cheek, turning him to look at her. "Come back."

She made him look at her, and her own deep blue returned his hazel back to their normal color.

"Tell me," she said.

His head went back and forth, ever so slightly. "It's nothing new. I still flash back now and then….and that's mostly what I flash back to. Every time we're called to a scene like that, I have to prepare myself."

She had her own problems with PTSD. But she'd mostly denied the need for help.

"How do you do that?"

"I learned it in NA. How to recognize anxiety, and what to do about it. Of course, it only helps when I have time to prepare, but…."

"But usually it works? Because you might need to teach it to me."

"Anytime you want." He squeezed her shoulder again. "But, back to Will. So, he knows about the addiction, and how it happened, and that I'm in recovery. You'll explain as much to Sarah?"

She nodded. "Okay, yes."

He was quiet for another long moment, taking account of the situation. He frowned when his thoughts settled on another painful task. One that couldn't be avoided.

"What about your mother?"

JJ was surprised. "Mom? She doesn't know anything about it."

"But she needs to, JJ. She'll hear about it, if it becomes part of a court battle. I think I should tell her."

Dreading it, even as he said the words. Over time, he'd come to value Sandy's approval as much as….or maybe more than….that of his own mother. And he mourned its potential loss. But it had to be done. There really wasn't any choice.

JJ read his expression, and knew exactly what he was thinking.

"I can tell her," she offered.

He shook his head. "No. I think it should come from me. I'll take care of it."

Tears moistened her eyes yet again. "Well, when you do, make sure you tell her that you're the man that I love."

He smiled. Then, "Do you think that would work with Hotch, too?"

"Hmmm. No."

He chuckled. "I didn't think so. If anything, it would probably create a problem for him. So maybe we should keep _that_ part to ourselves...for now, at least. But he'll have to know that the dilaudid might come up in court, as a means of Will keeping me away from Henry."

She sighed. "I guess you're right."

There was something he'd never actually known, nor felt comfortable enough to ask, not of any of them. But he asked it now.

"JJ….. what does the team think about it? I mean…about _all_ of it?"

"The drugs? They… _we_ …think you were forcibly injected with an addictive substance by an unsub. And then you fought, long and hard, to overcome it. End of story."

She scanned his face, both pleased and disappointed to see relief wash over it. He'd obviously been carrying needless shame about something that had never been his fault.

"Spence…"

"But…what about the…"

"The vials? I don't know if anyone knows about them. I certainly didn't. But they don't make a difference to me. You saved your own life, God only knows how, but you still had the drugs in your system. You weren't responsible for your actions then."

He thought for a moment….not about whether she was right, but about whether he should tell her. She'd been the liaison then, maybe it hadn't been discussed with her. But he was sure their unit chief and Gideon had known.

"There were no drugs found at the scene."

"What?" Not following him.

"They found them in my system, but they didn't find the source of them at the scene. They had to have known, both Hotch and Gideon, that I'd taken them."

"But I saw the official report. It said nothing about that."

"What _did_ it say?"

"That you'd been drugged, and that Hankel had discarded the vials."

Reid gave a sarcastic snort. "That was an exercise in creative writing. They _had_ to have known. It wouldn't have fit the profile for Tobias to have gotten rid of the vials. Everything else was left inside that cabin." Including sheep and fish entrails.

JJ didn't quite see where he was going. "So, all right, maybe they knew. But what difference does it make?"

"It means they knew they had an agent with a drug problem, and didn't report him. That could put Hotch's job in jeopardy."

"Oh, God," JJ moaned. "I never even realized. Spence….. maybe we _shouldn't_ fight him. Maybe I should go along with Will's demands, and see if I can get him to see reason."

"And what if you can't? What if he _never_ sees reason? Does that mean we give up the chance to make a life with someone we love? I'm not prepared to do that, JJ. Yesterday, yes. Even this morning. But something woke up in me today, something that told me that, just maybe, I'm worthy of the kind of life I hadn't even dared to dream about. And I want it with the woman I love. And the little boy I love just as much."

It was spoken with the same kind of passion he'd shown when he'd first come through her door this afternoon. She wanted so badly to get caught up in it. But her practical side pulled her back.

"Spence, I want it, too. I told you that. But…what about Hotch? It's one thing for _us_ to decide to take a chance, but we can't do it for someone else."

"I'll talk to him. I can give him a hypothetical situation. It won't put him at risk. But he'll understand."

She thought about it. "All right. But I want 'in' on that one. He's my unit chief, too."

"Yes, ma'am."

* * *

"So, I'll call your mom tomorrow. She's usually free on a Sunday afternoon?"

"Yes. But I think she's coming for dinner tomorrow night. She said she needs her 'Henry fix'. I think this every other weekend bit is hard on her, too."

"Okay. I'll see if I can talk with her before then, and I'll let you know if I do."

"What about Hotch?"

He shrugged. "I don't know that we'll have time unless the case quiets down. But, if you hear from Sarah that something is imminent, I'll tell him we have to meet with him urgently."

"All right. Let's hope that doesn't need to happen."

She walked him to the door, turning to face him as she reached the end of the hallway.

"I guess we won't see each other tomorrow. So…see you on Monday, bright and early." Hotch had already announced a meeting.

Reid reached his long arms behind her waist and pulled her toward him.

"Monday it is. But please kick me, under the table, if I look like I'm all moony-eyed."

She laughed. "Moony-eyed Spence. I'd like to see that."

"You, maybe. But somehow I think Hotch would feel differently."

She grinned, looking up at him. Those intelligent hazel eyes caught her own, and held them fast.

"I love you, Jennifer Jareau."

"And I love you, Spencer Reid. And I can't wait to be able to shout it to the world."

But, since she couldn't, she found something else to do with her lips. And it was just as good. Maybe better. _Definitely_ better.


	56. Chapter 56

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 56**

If he hadn't been so anxious about talking to Sandy today, Reid thought, he would have slept the sleep of the dead last night. He'd been through an emotional wringer yesterday, and it had completely exhausted him. But, as tired as he'd been, he hadn't been able to settle. He'd tried reading, he'd tried chess. He'd even tried mentally reviewing the chemistry of all the ups and downs of his emotional swings in the past twenty-four hours, all to no avail.

 _It's usually good for putting Morgan to sleep. But no such luck, for me._

So he'd slept in fits and starts, and finally nodded off for a good chunk of time just before dawn. He'd wakened to the sound of the city coming lazily to life late on a Sunday morning. He stretched in his bed and then threw his legs over the side.

He still had the usual kinks and twinges, courtesy of the several injuries he'd acquired over the years. But the rest of him felt different. _New_.

 _I am a man who's told a woman he loves her. And heard her say it back._

Which was true, and wonderful. But not quite the source of the feeling. So he tried again, aloud.

"I am a man who loves a woman, who loves me in return."

Closer. But still not quite right. And then, it came to him.

"I _belong_ to someone. And she belongs to me."

Not ownership. _Connection._ _Priority_. A sense of promise that his heart would be cared and tended to by her, and hers by him.

It was the kind of love he hadn't really felt since the earliest years of his memory, before schizophrenia and abandonment had stolen it away from him. It was true that he still loved his mother, in a very real way. But there was simply too much illness between him and her psyche, and her expressions of love were increasingly fewer, and more stilted. He'd even loved Maeve, and been loved in return. But that love had been overshadowed by the ominous presence of her stalker, and even of the Replicator. They'd been kept apart, reaching out for one another, yearning for one another, but never quite bridging the abyss.

But, now, with JJ….. it was different….. complete. They'd loved one another, even _connected_ with one another, for a long time before this. But it felt different now, in a way that Reid tried to understand.

 _Maybe it's because I can see it lasting. I can see our future, and we're together in it. That's something I've not been able to see, before. I've thought we would wander away from one another someday, either by choice or by circumstance. That maybe it would have to be like that, because of how Will felt about me. I've thought the best I could hope for was that we might remember one another fondly, maybe even deeply…..but always from a distance. I've thought I would have to let go, and hold her only in my memory. But now..._

Gratitude flooded him. Caught unaware by the depth of his emotion, Reid filled up. The kind of life he was looking forward to was one he'd never allowed himself to fully imagine, not even with Maeve. It had always been safer…. _.emotionally_ safer…..to not allow his brain to go there. Because going there would, he'd been certain, inevitably lead to disappointment. But this day, this glorious Sunday morning, all things seemed possible.

Once given the freedom to imagine, his genius brain began sorting through all of what lay before him. Them.

 _We're two, now._

Make that three. Or four. Whatever future they were headed toward, they weren't going alone. They were going with Henry…..and with Will. He would always have a presence in their lives, as the father of the child all three of them loved. In the moment, Will was reacting emotionally. It didn't take a profiler to see that. Reid could only hope that, in time, Will would see that he couldn't _make_ JJ love him, if she didn't. And that he could only hurt his relationship with Henry by setting the boy firmly in the middle of a battle between his parents.

 _JJ sees it. That's why she's so reluctant to fight Will. She sees how it will hurt Henry. And maybe a lot of other people as well. But…_

But she couldn't let Henry think that she wasn't willing to fight for him, either. Part of Reid wanted to believe that Henry wouldn't be fooled, that he would know how much his mother loved him, and how she was only looking out for everyone by not fighting.

 _But he's only six. Maybe he would see it one day, but he wouldn't see it now. He would only believe that one parent wanted him, and another was willing to give him away._

Unless she moved to New Orleans. Per Will's ultimatum, he wouldn't fight JJ for custody if she moved to New Orleans with Henry.

 _What if I moved with her? Would he renege? I'm willing to bet he didn't even consider that possibility. His anger made him too blind._

But that wasn't a realistic resolution to the dilemma. All it would bring was a daily resentment of their situation, and that wasn't a healthy environment for either the adults or the child. No, they would have to fight Will or, by some miracle, get through to the hot-headed New Orleans native.

The renewed determination to fight Will brought Reid back to the task of the day. He'd called Sandy Jareau last evening and asked to meet with her, not sharing the reason. That she'd not asked for the 'why' told him that JJ must have already spoken with her mother, sharing the news of their newly acknowledged, but long-held, relationship.

 _At least she knows how JJ feels about me. Maybe that will work in my favor._

That she'd invited him to lunch also worked in his favor.

 _She's still trying to fatten me up. Better than trying to starve me._

And so, he headed to the kitchen. Regardless of Sandy's intentions, Reid felt the need for some fortifying caffeine.

* * *

He'd actually thought about bringing flowers, but decided it would send too pathetic a message. So Reid arrived to Sandy's door empty-handed.

"Spencer, hello. Come right on in."

He entered and looked around, trying not to _look_ like he was looking around. But, even if Sandy's 55-and-over condominium wasn't JJ's childhood home, it had been decorated by the woman who'd _made_ that childhood home, and he couldn't help but be curious. He got so caught up in the décor that he forgot to hide his examination of it.

Sandy notice, and smiled. "Would you like a little tour?"

"What? Oh..sorry, I just… there are so many photographs."

They were hung in groupings on the walls, with a few residing on a sofa table.

Sandy chuckled. "Yes, I'm afraid I haven't quite succeeded in _that_ aspect of downsizing. Photographs are my treasures."

He flashed her a grin as he headed toward the near wall. "Do you mind?"

"Of course not," she said, joining him there. "These are my parents, at their wedding. And here they are, fifty years later."

"Are they still alive?"

Realizing he'd never asked JJ about her grandparents. He loved learning new things about her, and savored, once again, that he would have a lifetime to do so.

"No, sadly. They both passed within a day of one another, if you can believe that."

His brows went up. "Really? I've read about stories like that, but….if you don't mind my asking, what did they die of?"

"My mother died of a bad heart. And Dad died of a broken one. Or…well, I guess that's how I look at it. The doctors only said that his heart had given out. Funny thing was, he'd never had a history of heart trouble."

Reid blew a short whistle through his lips. "Sure sounds like you're right. I'm sorry for your loss."

She shook her head. "It was many years ago now. I've long since gotten to the point where I can focus on the love they shared, and not on their deaths."

He nodded his acknowledgement as his eyes wandered to the next set of photos. He turned back to Sandy to ask, "Your husband's parents?"

"Yes. Their story was a bit more tragic, I'm afraid. Charles' father died in World War II."

Reid noticed that there was only a wedding photo, and then separate photos of the husband and wife, the husband in uniform.

"Did he even know his father? Your husband, I mean." Not feeling the freedom to call him 'Charles'.

"He didn't remember him, except through the stories his mother told him. He was very young when his father left."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry that you never met him. Charles was a wonderful man, and a wonderful husband. I know he missed his father, but he thrived on the memory of him."

It felt like she was saying something beyond her spoken words, but Reid couldn't quite grasp it. Instead, he continued making his way down the wall.

"Your wedding picture?"

She smiled. "That's right. It was a very rainy day, but the sun came out at just the right moment….and we caught it on camera."

He smiled, even as he continued to study the photograph. The younger version of Sandy looked so much like her daughter, they could have been twins. But then he noticed the twinkle in Charles' eyes, and recognized it from all the times he'd seen it shine from the deep blue of JJ's eyes.

"She's the perfect mixture of the two of you." The look on his face leaving no doubt in Sandy's mind that he was talking about JJ.

Another wall yielded a group of aunts and uncles and cousins, each of whom Reid appreciated for only as long as seemed polite. Then he made his way to the sofa table, and the photos that seemed to have been awarded pride of place. There, he saw another portrait of JJ's father. The rest contained the same two subjects.

"This is…" Two blonde girls standing together at the edge of a field, the older looking very much like the JJ he'd first met, years ago.

"That's Rosalyn. Charles took a photo of them together in the same place every year. See?"

She waved her hand toward a set of other photos, all inside a single, large frame.

"I had the last one enlarged, so I could give it its own place."

"She was beautiful. She looks so much like JJ."

Sandy's voice was choked. "They were alike in so many ways. I used to worry, but…. "

But JJ hadn't quite inherited her sister's proclivity toward depression. Or maybe she just hadn't given in to it.

"Again, I'm sorry."

Sandy sniffed. "Don't mind me, Spencer. Unlike with my parents, I've not quite come to terms with Rosalyn's death, even after all these years."

Surprising even himself, Reid gave her a quick hug. "You're a great mother. JJ is proof. And so am I."

He'd caught her off guard, but she recovered quickly.

"Thank you for that, Spencer."

"For…."

She explained. "Ever since I heard about your mother, I've felt for her, and for you. I've felt some kind of solidarity with her, and I promised myself that I would do for you what she couldn't. So….thank you."

He choked up at that. Because what he'd come to tell her might very well change her impression of him. And he'd come to value that impression, very much.

* * *

"That was delicious. Can you give JJ the recipe?"

Sandy laughed. "I actually got this one from her. I'm sure you'll come across it some day."

He'd insisted on helping her with the dishes. As he finished drying the last pan, she poured coffee for both of them and brought it into her living room. Reid followed, trying to tamp down the anxiety that wanted so badly to rise.

Sandy took a seat at one end of the sofa, and indicated that he should take the other. As she picked up her mug, she opened 'the conversation'.

"Now that I've done my best to pad your waistline, tell me, Spencer, what is it you wanted to speak with me about?"

His mug actually shook in his trembling hand, so badly that he had to put it down.

"Um…well… did JJ talk to you?"

Keeping a steady gaze on him, Sandy replied, "She did."

"Did she tell you…..uh…did she tell you how I feel about her?"

"She told me how _she_ felt about _you_. I can only assume you feel the same way."

Sandy wasn't giving anything away with her facial expressions, and Reid didn't know quite what to make of it. All he could do was to plow ahead.

"I do. I love her, Sandy. I always have, only, now...now, I can admit it to myself." _And to you._

Sandy Jareau nodded. "I can see that. The truth is, I think I might have seen it long before you did."

He caught an undercurrent in her voice. "You don't approve?"

Sandy sighed, as she placed her own mug on the coffee table.

"Spencer, I was raised in a different era. That was a time when 'for better or worse' meant exactly that, and when 'for as long as we both shall live' did the same. You saw the photographs on my wall. Marriages were important. Permanent. They represented commitment."

He could sense his pulse quickening, and felt the heat in his neck, from the flush he knew must be rising. This wasn't sounding promising. But he wasn't about to interrupt her.

"So, I'll admit I was disappointed when Jennifer told me that her marriage was in trouble. But I also realize that we live in different times. Her marriage wasn't exactly a traditional one, anyway, was it? Coming after Henry, I mean. And I'll admit that it was partially my fault, agreeing to go along with the actual ceremony as a surprise. I know my daughter better than she thinks I do. And I know that she would never have embarrassed David Rossi by refusing what he meant as a tremendous act of kindness."

 _Now_ Reid found his voice. And it was infused with incredulity.

"Are you saying that you don't think she really wanted to marry Will?"

Something he'd always wondered about. Because _he'd_ thought the 'surprise' was a mistake, as well.

Sandy shook her head as she reached for her coffee. "I can't say that. I don't know the answer. I just… I guess she and I are made of the same mold, in that respect. It was such a magnanimous thing. And she _had_ told Will she would marry him."

"But…"Cutting himself off before the rest could come tumbling out.

 _But she said it in a moment of emotion. She'd nearly lost him, and maybe even Henry, and she was relieved._

"But…"

Sandy narrowed her eyes at him. "What aren't you saying, Spencer? Please. We're here to speak frankly, aren't we?"

He could only nod. "I was going to say that she was so relieved that day. She'd been terrified that Will would be killed, and even Henry. She was grateful that they were still alive. But….. I guess I always wondered…..did she love him more just because of that? Did she wake up that day, content to _not_ be married, and then _need_ it, by the end of the day? It was…"

She nodded. "It was unlike her, I know. My Jennifer is usually very measured in her responses. That day was an exception."

"She was scared."

"Yes, she was. And, in the aftermath, she made a decision that she came to regret."

There was a weight to her statement that told Reid it held more meaning. And he knew what that meaning was.

"Sandy, I hope you don't think…."

A raised hand stopped him.

"I don't. Jennifer made that much clear. She reached her decision about her marriage based solely on what was, or was not, between herself and her husband."

Reid heaved a great sigh. "Thank you for understanding that. The truth is, I've loved her for so many years that even I have trouble believing I wasn't a part of it. But I did my best…we both did…..to make sure our friendship didn't interfere with her marriage. We even stepped back from it, to be sure."

Sandy nodded. "I remember. I was worried that you'd had a falling out, after all you'd been through together during that awful time, and I didn't understand it. Jennifer brushed it off by telling me you were very busy with something from work. It wasn't until last night that she told me the truth. You'd purposely stopped coming by."

Reid picked up his mug as well, and studied the liquid in it for a few seconds before responding.

"We'd gotten so close during that time. It was tough on Will. To be totally honest with you, I actually kind of sympathized with him. But that wasn't why I pulled back. I did it because the last thing I would ever want to do would be to hurt JJ or Henry. "

"Henry was a little bewildered, as I recall."

Reid's mouth fell open. JJ hadn't told him about that.

 _Why would she have? She knew it would only hurt me, and there was nothing to be done about it._

Sandy read his expression. "You didn't know."

He swallowed thickly, shaking his head. "No. But it wouldn't have changed anything. It couldn't have."

Sandy stared at him. "Relationships are complicated. _Love_ is complicated. Isn't it?"

He nodded. "And so is something else. Sandy, there's something I need to tell you about. Something that we think is going to come up, if Will fights JJ for custody."

He could tell from the expression on her face that JJ hadn't told her anything about _this_. Sandy looked perplexed, and curious….and just a bit alarmed. But her voice was steady.

"Go ahead."

He'd thought he'd come prepared. But now that the moment was at hand, Reid felt panicked. The esteem of this good woman had become important to him. And he was about to risk losing it. But it had to be done. He cleared his throat…and then cleared it again.

"I… there's something….something about me that I think you should know. Something that I did."

She gave him just the smallest smile of encouragement. It was enough to launch him into the story.

"It was a long time ago, back when I'd been with the BAU for only about a year and a half. I did something stupid, and got myself taken by an unsub…..uh, an 'unknown subject'….someone who'd killed a bunch of people."

Sandy's hand went to her chest, even as she knew her response didn't make any sense. Here he was, obviously having survived the experience, but…. _my God, 'taken' by a killer_?! She was frightened for him, nonetheless.

"And, while I was with him…well, it's a long story, but the short version is that he had a split personality. One of his personalities would beat me, and then another one would give me something for the pain."

It was too much for her. "Spencer! Oh, my God!"

He was so familiar with the story that he'd forgotten how shocking it could be for someone else. Hearing Sandy's response, Reid was immediately apologetic.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten into all of that. I'm sorry. The only thing I should have told you about was the drug. He gave me a drug to deal with the pain. Dilaudid. A narcotic. A pretty powerful one."

She seemed to be following, but not anticipating. He was going to have to spell it out.

"When the team found me….afterward…. I couldn't let go of it. I _needed_ it. I was addicted to Dilaudid."

She nodded, as though what he'd just told her had been the most natural thing in the world. Which made him think she'd been too stunned to process it. So he said it again.

"I was a drug addict."

 _These_ words penetrated. "A drug addict? Are you telling me that you use drugs?"

"No! No, it was only for a few months. But it was real. It was an addiction. And I was still struggling with it when we first met Will."

The tumblers were slowing falling into place in Sandy's brain. She'd been caught completely off guard by the subject matter, distressed at hearing even the smallest part of Spencer's ordeal, and was only now coming to understand the implications.

"You're saying that Will knows about this drug addiction, and may use it in the custody dispute?"

"His attorney has already asked JJ's attorney about it."

Sandy closed her eyes and shook her head. But she was all too familiar with the effects of grief to be angry with Will over his actions.

"Tell me, Spencer. If an allegation is made….will there be any truth to it?" Praying that his response would be as she expected.

"I used Dilaudid for a few months after my abduction. But then I stopped. I've never had anything since."

"How did you stop?"

He gave a bitter snort. "With great difficulty. But I did it on my own. I was too proud….or maybe too stupid…to ask for help. I didn't even go to a meeting for almost a year afterward."

"Meeting?"

"Narcotics Anonymous…well, technically, the Beltway Clean Cops. I haven't been a lot, but, every so often, if we've had a particularly bad case…I go. It helps."

She nodded. "I know it does. My brother is an alcoholic. A recovered one, but an alcoholic. It was painful between us, for a while. But he's doing wonderfully now. It was like I'd lost him, and now I have him back. Your mother must have been happy to have _you_ back."

Inadvertently, she'd touched a still very tender spot. Because Diana had never known. Not the abduction, not the addiction, and not the recovery. He'd 'protected' her from all of it. That's what he'd told himself. But the recovery process had taught him that he'd _really_ been 'protecting' himself from the look of disappointment he'd been certain he would see in her eyes. He'd learned that there was a cost in not telling his mother, and its price was forgiveness. He alone knew he'd disappointed her, but he couldn't grant himself her forgiveness.

"My mother never knew about it. She wasn't...and I couldn't." He had to clear his throat before changing the subject. "I've been back for a long time, and I intend to keep it that way. I just wanted you to hear about it from me, before you heard about it anywhere else."

Sandy considered his words. "Thank you for being honest. And thank you for trusting me."

He shook his head. "You have it backwards. I want you to feel like _you_ can trust _me_. I know your daughter and your grandson are the most precious things in your life. They're the most precious things in mine, as well. I love them, Sandy. I'll never do anything to hurt them, not as long as it's in my power. I hope you can believe that."

Sandy stared into the remains of her coffee once again. Then she lifted her eyes to Reid's.

"I do believe that. You're a courageous young man, Spencer. You've given of yourself, _literally_ , to save my daughter's life. Now you've told me about one of the darkest times of _your_ life, and how hard you've worked to overcome it."

She heaved a breath and looked as if she were considering something. Then she continued.

"I've always had a dream that my daughter would marry her prince, and live happily ever after. I think that's what every mother's dream is. But the reality is that there aren't really any princes, and there is no happily ever after. There are only men, and women, who do their best to make their way in the world, and to leave it a better place, when the day comes for them to move on."

He knew he was being imparted words of wisdom, but wasn't quite sure where they were leading him. Until she finished.

"There is no doubt that you and Jennifer are trying to make this world a better place. And I'm happy for both of you that you get to do it together."

A look of pleasant surprise emerged on his face. "You mean that? It's all right? I can love her?"

Which brought a laugh. "You're asking my permission to love? Hmph. If only I had that kind of power, the world would be a much kinder place."

He laughed as well, realizing how naïve he'd sounded. "I mean….. are you okay with me in her life? I promise you that I'm clean, and will always be so. And that I love both of them more than I know how to tell you."

She smiled. "I can see that, Spencer. And I would be a very foolish woman not to want that for them. If you love them, and they love you, I'm all for it."

He had to bite his lip to control his emotion. "Thank you. And I promise, I'll never do anything to disgrace myself….any of us…again."

Sandy leaned forward, making sure she drew his eyes to hers.

"You have never been a disgrace, Spencer. You had something forced upon you, and you overcame it. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Quite the contrary. I'm proud of you and what you've done."

For just the briefest of moments, Reid lost track of where he was, and who he was with. He'd struggled with this for so long, he'd felt the shame, the need for forgiveness for so long. Tonight, Sandy Jareau had just spoken the words of redemption, but it wasn't Sandy's voice he'd heard. And it wasn't Sandy to whom he responded.

As she reached out to pull him into a hug, she heard him speak. His words brought tears to the eyes of the woman who held him, even as she knew they were meant for another.

"Thank you, Mom."


	57. Chapter 57

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 57**

"How did it go?"

Having heard a thickness in Reid's voice, JJ was concerned. She held her breath as she waited for his response to come through the phone.

"I love your mother."

The words were met with a slow exhale and a smile, on the other end of the connection.

"It went okay, then? She was okay with it? She understood?"

His voice thickened even more. "She completely understood. Maybe better than I do. She was…. I don't even know what to say. Except that I'm glad you're her daughter."

 _Because, without you, she wouldn't be in my life. And, because I see her in you, and know what my future holds._

Even without hearing his unspoken words, she widened her smile. "So am I."

He knew she'd had her own conversation with Sandy. One that might have proven to be equally difficult with his.

"So….how are _you_? After telling her, I mean."

"Did she say anything to you?"

The fact that she'd answered with a question concerned him, but not enough not to answer.

"I asked her if she knew how I felt about you, and she said you'd only told her how _you_ felt about _me_. She just assumed I felt the same way. Which I do."

"You'd better."

He was relieved to hear the smile back in her voice when she replied. But then he heard it leave again, as she asked another question. IT seemed that all she had was questions, because, at the end of her conversation with her mother, JJ had been left to wonder exactly what Sandy thought. And she was wondering still.

"Did you get any sense of whether she was happy about it?"

Despite her adulthood, JJ was still her mother's daughter. And she still craved her mother's approval.

As did Reid. He heard the residual uncertainty in JJ's voice, and he shared it. Sandy had been vocal in her support of his battle with dilaudid, but she'd been far less enthusiastic in her support of the new status of his relationship with her daughter.

"She…well, in the end, she did say she was happy for us."

"But not in the beginning?"

He was beginning to gather that, just maybe, things hadn't gone all that smoothly between mother and daughter today. Rather than answering JJ's question, Reid posed one to her.

"JJ…..was she upset? Is it too soon? Should I have waited?"

Knowing, because she'd told him so, that Sandy had supported JJ in her decision to end her marriage. But that didn't mean the elder Jareau would be happy to see her daughter leap into a new relationship right away.

He heard a sigh over the phone, as JJ considered how to put it.

"I think it's more that she's disappointed. Not in me, you were right about that. More….disappointed in my life, I guess. That it hasn't been smooth, relationship-wise."

A long silence ensued. So long, that JJ worried she'd hurt him.

"Spence…..are you all right? It's not about _you_. It's about me, and how my life hasn't gone the way hers did."

Still more silence. He had to think this through, and he didn't want to say the wrong thing. So all he did say was, "I'm here."

"Thank God for that. But…are you upset? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say anything to…."

He didn't want to get _her_ upset. "I just need to think, that's all. I just… "

She was upset anyway. "Spence, it's not wrong, you and me. And, for the record, I _know_ Mom loves you. She'll be happy. She just needs time to finish letting go of the idea that my marriage would last forever. She had it with my dad, and I know she wanted it for me. She's just sad about it, that's all."

He nodded, then remembered that she couldn't see him. "Okay."

Before either of them could speak again, he heard commotion on her end of the line and knew that Henry must have gotten home.

"Is that…"

"Your godson, yes. I've got to go. Talk to you later?"

"Sure. Give him a hug for me?"

"It will be my great pleasure."

After the phone went silent, Reid stood there, staring at the blank screen, his eidetic memory replaying the entirety of their conversation.

' _I think it's more that she's disappointed. Not in me, you were right about that. More….disappointed in my life, I guess. That it hasn't been smooth, relationship-wise_.'

The words wouldn't silence themselves, and he couldn't help but ponder them.

 _Does that mean that Sandy looks at me as part of that disappointment? Will I always be the reminder that her daughter didn't have the kind of long and loving marriage that she and Charles had?_

He remembered his tour of the various photographs that graced Sandy's walls, and the stories of long-held love.

 _But what if that's what's meant for us? What if it's meant that I should be that person in her life? I'm certainly not entering into this with the idea that it is anything but permanent, and I know JJ feels the same way. This isn't just another relationship in a string of relationships. It's 'the' relationship. Wouldn't Sandy be able to see that? Could she trust it?_

He was fairly certain he knew the answer, but there was just that slightest, niggling spectre of doubt.

 _Maybe I should have waited. Maybe we all need time for the dust to settle, before springing a new relationship on the family._

But he'd been driven. He couldn't have waited, even if he'd reasoned it all through, and decided that he should. Because it was too wonderful, too incredible, too…. _big_ …to be contained. And there'd been an urgency imposed by someone else's actions.

 _Still, just because it makes sense to me, doesn't mean it will make the same sense to Sandy. Or to Henry._

Henry. They hadn't even talked about how Henry would react to the new status of their relationship.

 _Maybe because it's only a day old._

Reid had to remind himself of the newness of it, because the love undergirding it had been there for so very long.

 _Maybe Henry will just grow into it, the same way we will. He'll get used to it, and to having me around more. He and I already love each other, there's no worry about that. So, why would he even need to be told anything?_

And then he answered his own question.

 _Because of Will. Because of how angry he already is, at the idea of JJ divorcing him. And because of how much more angry he'll be if he realizes our relationship has changed. I know he cares about Henry, but he lets his anger rule his decisions. There's no guarantee he wouldn't try to use our relationship as a tool to turn Henry against JJ. But..._

Reid knew he had a tendency to overthink things…..it was one of the hazards of his IQ….. _and_ his personality… and he could tell he was about to launch into doing just that. A host of questions and possible scenarios were beginning to invade his thoughts, and some of them troubled him. The only one he successfully rejected was the scenario where he gave up on this most wonderful change in his life, still in its infancy.

 _No way. I know this is the right thing for me. For us. I have to care about it enough not to give up on it. The timing may not be right, but we can work with the timing. Maybe it's something all of us have to grow into. As long as we're growing, I can live with that._

Not overthinking things required him to engage his mind in something of importance. Fortunately, in his business, there was always a worthy distraction at hand. The team would convene in the morning, hopefully with a strategy for proceeding in the case.

 _Maybe I can turn 'hopefully' into 'definitely'._

* * *

Hours later, and miles away, JJ and Sandy had just put a very tired Henry to bed.

"Poor little guy. He's exhausted." Sandy brought two mugs of tea in from the kitchen, and laid them on the coffee table.

"Exhausted, and in need of studying for his spelling test. I sent the book along with him. Will was supposed to quiz him on it."

"I'm sure he forgot, given that they were at the baseball game all afternoon."

Henry had begun babbling the moment he'd come through the door, and had kept up a running commentary from then until his head hit the pillow. He'd had to do a minor rewind when his grandmother arrived for dinner, but he hadn't minded telling the story all over again. He barely paused his narrative at the dinner table. Having feasted at the ballpark, he wasn't quite hungry for anything containing vegetables anyway.

"Hmph. It might have been a surprise for Henry, but Will knew about it. He could have gotten the studying out of the way yesterday."

Sandy delayed her response by reaching for JJ's mug and handing it to her. Then she lifted her own. She sensed that this might only be the first of many times she would need to search for the right words in helping her daughter navigate the new turn of events in her life.

"Honey, I understand that you're frustrated. I know you want Henry to do well in school….don't we all? And I know you have to be to work early tomorrow. How about if I stop by to quiz him in the morning? I can drop him off, and he'll have the time in the car to study as well."

Her daughter shook her head. "I appreciate the offer. But that's not the point, Mom. If we're going to parent in tandem, then Will has to do his part."

Sandy took a sip of her tea. "You're both finding your way in this, sweetheart. Will was probably too excited at the idea of taking Henry to see the Nationals. You have to admit, it seemed to go over pretty well."

JJ had to smile, remembering. "I don't know if he was more pumped about watching them play or about the hot dog and cotton candy."

Sandy chuckled. "You don't?"

JJ did the same. "Yeah, right, it was the food. Henry's still learning the rules of baseball. I'll bet he couldn't follow a thing."

"That wasn't the point. He got to do something new and exciting with his father. And he was thrilled. I'll bet Will was, too."

JJ heard the undercurrent. "You think I'm being too hard on Will. Do you think I'm jealous? Because I'm not." Pausing. "Or I'm trying not to be, I guess."

"I think you're trying to find your way through this, too, honey. And I don't think it's easy for anyone."

Sandy shifted in her seat, so that she was facing JJ directly. "Speaking of finding a way through this….. what 'this' is, has become a little more complicated, hasn't it? You took me a little by surprise, earlier, when you called. And I probably didn't handle it well. Can we talk about it some more?"

JJ's eyes scanned her mother's face, looking for a hint as to what might be coming.

"Of course, Mom. I'm sorry for telling you on the phone, I know you like to talk in person. But I knew Spence was going to ask to meet with you, and I thought I should speak with your first."

Sandy nodded. "I'm glad you did. It wouldn't have made much sense to me otherwise, considering. And, for the record, there's no one more supportive of recovery than I am. You know how proud I have always been of your uncle, that he won his battle."

"I know. And I knew how you would feel about Spence. But _he_ didn't know." JJ took another sip of her tea. "Sometimes, I wonder if he'll ever forgive himself for something that wasn't his fault. If it was his, it was mine as well."

Sandy's brow furrowed. "What does that mean?"

At the time it happened, so many years ago, she'd done her best to make light of it. _'Just a dog bite, nothing to worry about.'_ She'd reasoned that it wouldn't help anything to have her mother frightened for her on a daily basis. But her abduction of several years ago…following _Will's_ abduction…. had changed all that. Sandy was well aware of the dangers of their jobs. And she'd kept her own counsel on how she felt about that.

So, no longer trying to hide the truth, JJ recounted the events of the case. Without realizing how little Reid had told Sandy, JJ ended up providing much more explicit detail.

"It was horrible, Mom. Sometimes I still have nightmares about it. Watching Spence helpless in that chair, knowing he was being beaten. And then, when Hankel had the gun to his head….."

Her voice wavered, and Sandy reached a hand across to lay it on her daughter's knee.

"It's all right, Jennifer. You don't have to tell me."

JJ shook her head. "Yes, I do. Because I want you to know who Spence is. Who he _really_ is. The unsub held a gun to Spence's head and demanded that he pick one of us to die. And Spence just looked at him, and said, "Kill me." I"ll never forget that in my life, hearing him say those words. He wasn't just saying it, either. He was determined that it would end with him."

"But..."

"But then…then, he figured out how to get a message to Hotch, and we were able to figure out where he was."

"Thank God."

"Yes, thank God. But we were too late."

A look of confusion appeared on Sandy's face, but she waited her daughter out.

"Hankel forced Spence into the woods, and made him dig his own grave."

No waiting now. Sandy gasped, hand to her mouth. "My God." Tears brimmed her eyes.

JJ nodded in understanding. Her mother was having much the same reaction she'd had, at the time.

"But Spence managed to get his gun away from him, and he shot Hankel before Hankel could stab him. We were already in the woods, but we didn't have a way to find him until we heard the gunshot."

Sandy could do nothing but shake her head. "How does someone recover from that? No wonder he struggled."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each lost in thought about the evils humans perpetrate against one another. Then Sandy turned to JJ, and directed a steady gaze toward her daughter.

"Spencer didn't tell me any of this. Why did you?"

A steady gaze came back at her.

"I told you about it to lead up to this: after all that, after what he'd been put through, the torture, the beatings, the drugs, the sheer terror he must have felt…..after all that, do you know what Spence did?"

Sandy recognized the question as rhetorical and waited for the answer.

"He forgave him. Tobias Hankel was one of three personalities inhabiting the same body. Spence recognized the illness in him, and forgave the evil. And _that's_ the man I love."

Sandy put down her tea.

"Jennifer, I know Spencer is a good man. and I recognize the love that is between the two of you. If I think back, maybe I've always seen it, but never more than when he risked his life to save yours. I will admit that it crossed my mind, then, that it was a tremendous sacrifice for someone to make, even for a very good friend. I did wonder if he had deeper feelings for you."

"You weren't alone in that."

"Are you talking about yourself?"

"I'm talking about Will. Don't you remember how he didn't even want me to know what Spence had done? He said he was afraid it would give me additional stress, but I think he was afraid that things were deeper between us than before."

Sandy cocked her head. "Were they?"

JJ gave a great sigh. "Spence and I have been close since….forever. We've had our ups and downs, and there was even a time I thought we wouldn't be able to repair the damage. If you'd asked me before, I would have told you he was my forever friend. My anam cara, is what he called it. Maybe, if the circumstances had been different, maybe we would have found something more. But I was with Will, and we had Henry. It wasn't something either of us could afford to even think about."

"Because of where thinking about it would have brought you?"

JJ shrugged. "I don't know. Honestly, I never let it become a complete thought, because I couldn't afford to. I never even worked through the 'what-ifs'."

Sandy thought quietly for a while, until a question came to mind.

"Honey….why didn't you let it develop before? You weren't with Will when you started at the BAU. Why did it take so long?"

JJ snorted. "I've asked myself that question a thousand times in the past two days. How much heartache would we have avoided if we'd been together from the beginning. And the only answer I've come up with is that we were both babies. We were both in our twenties when we started, both of us trying to get our feet under us. We developed a friendship out of that mutual uncertainty, but we were each too shaky to feel like we could get by just by holding on to one another."

Maybe. But Sandy suspected something else might have played a role. She did, after all, know her daughter very well.

"You know, I've always been fond of Spencer. Although, I'll admit that I thought he was a little odd when I first met him…" Giving JJ the space to get there herself.

JJ chuckled, while her words confirmed her mother's suspicion.

"You and the rest of the world. I did too, actually. He was just….he wasn't like any of the guys I'd known back home, or in college."

"Too intellectual?"

"Maybe. He wasn't exactly a farm boy." She thought a moment longer. "Maybe I was just too shallow then, I don't know. All I know is that he is a man who stands up for what he believes in, who does what needs to be done, and yet manages to be compassionate and kind at the same time." She looked to her mother. "He kind of reminds me of Daddy."

Sandy smiled. "Well, they probably couldn't look less alike, but, yes, I can see that."

"I so wish Daddy could have known him. Do you think he would have liked him?"

Sandy gave that one some thought. "Well, I think he would have noticed that Spencer isn't a farm boy."

The two shared a laugh over that. Charles Jareau had been a 'man's man', with the heart of a teddy bear.

"But your father was fair to a fault. I think he and Spencer are alike, in that. So, yes, I think he would have approved." Smiling to herself for a moment as she tried to picture her late husband talking with the man who loved her daughter. "But I don't think that would have kept him from giving Spencer a hard time. It's not easy giving your daughter away."

Which brought a new pang of guilt to said daughter, as she remembered her mother walking her across Rossi's lawn to where Will waited for his bride. Sandy had already given her away once.

JJ chewed on her lip a moment before asking, "Mom…I know this has been tough for you. I know it's been hard to see my marriage fail. I know I've disappointed you.."

"Jennifer…"

"No, it's okay. I know I have. And I know you're more disappointed _for_ me than you are _in_ me. And I know it seems like I'm moving quickly. Honestly, I don't think it would have happened like this if Will hadn't given his ultimatum. Spence realized I was thinking about giving in, and moving to New Orleans, and he felt like he had to speak up. He would have let things settle down, let me get my footing again, if not for that."

"Jennifer. For the record, I am not disappointed in you. Nor am I disappointed in Spencer. I will admit to being disappointed that your marriage is ending in divorce. It's not something that's happened in our family before. But I would never…please look at me, honey….I would never ask you to stay with someone you didn't love. I would never, ever, wish that kind of life upon you."

Tears breached their bounds and began coursing down JJ's face. This had been another long and emotional conversation in a string of such conversations these past few days, and she was well past her limit.

"Thank you."

"You are my daughter. I love you, and I want you to be happy. I can see that Spencer does that for you. And I can also see that he is a fine man. He'll take care of you and Henry."

"We'll take care of each other. It's the twenty-first century, remember?"

JJ's words of protest were effectively undermined by the sniffling that accompanied them.

"Duly noted." Sandy rose from her seat and moved closer to her daughter, drawing her into a hug.

"Life is never quite what we think it will be, is it, sweetheart?"

"No," Sniffling again.

"But, sometimes, it turns out to be so much better. Who knows, maybe you're on your way."

"Maybe. I just hope Will starts to understand that."

Sandy agreed. "Give him time, honey. He's reeling a little bit right now. Give him some space, and cut him some slack. Don't get upset by things like a baseball game."

JJ's smile was watery. "You're right, I know you're right. It's just hard. I'll try. But, there's one thing I do know…"

"What's that?"

"Will may have taken him to the Nationals. But Henry's first Redskins game will be with me!"


	58. Chapter 58

_**A.N. Believe it or not, I enjoyed the mixed reviews to the last chapter. I thought they served as great examples of how differently people can look at life, and behavior, and what constitutes maturity. And I am comfortable living in the gray area.**_

 _ **You can probably tell (because I wrote it), what I think constitutes the mature response to the situation. So the only thing I'll comment on is the timeline. The last chapter ended just a little over 24 hours after Reid made his declaration of love. They've done a lot of thinking and talking in the intervening time, which has resulted in a number of chapters, but it really hasn't been all that long, chronologically. It's my fault, for writing what I like to read. Which means there's an excellent chance it will happen again sometime, maybe in this story, maybe in another. Apologies in advance, to those who find it annoying.**_

 _ **#####**_

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 58**

Reid headed to the BAU on Monday morning aware that it was unlikely there'd been much progress on the case. Sid Hirsch had asked his availability for the weekend, and then hadn't called him.

 _That can't be good. But at least it's not bad. And I don't know that I would have been all that much good to him anyway, considering how the weekend went._

It had only been a few days, but the mileage on his emotional roller coaster made it seem more like a few weeks. He'd actually been relieved to force his brain to concentrate on work last night. Not that it had proven all that fruitful. He'd pretty much known, since he and Linda Kimura had done their reconnaissance, that one or more of them was going to have to find a way inside PharmVac.

 _But there's a chance they'd recognize Kimura. She's probably attended at least a few meetings in common with them. Still, she'd be the best able to analyze their procedures and look for evidence of contamination. Unless…._

* * *

There had been no time to do more than greet each other before Hotch called them up to the conference room. So Reid kept his voice low as he and JJ hurried along.

"Everything okay?" Knowing she would have spoken with her mother again last night.

"Better than okay. Mom's a peach."

He grinned, relieved. "Yes, she is. And so is her daughter."

"Ha. Maybe you should ask your godson to chime in on that. He wasn't exactly thrilled to start his morning with spelling words."

They took their places around the table, and then were pleasantly surprised to be joined by an unexpected visitor.

Hirsch explained. "After Dr. Reid told us what he and she surmised, I thought it would be wise to invite Dr. Kimura to be a part of this discussion."

The physician nodded a brief smile around the table, broadening it just a bit for Reid. "Hello, everyone. I'm sorry I'm late."

"How are you feeling?" Rossi voiced it for the rest of the team. Apart from Reid, none of them had seen her since she'd come off the antibiotics.

"I'm fine, thank you. And so is Dr. Archer. So we know that an early course of a readily available antibiotic can prevent active infection with the contaminated vaccine. With the _first_ contaminated vaccine, that is."

It provided Hirsch his cue.

"We know that PharmVac is in the development process for several vaccines. The most likely object of a terrorist's attention would be the one that will be marketed the most widely. As we learned last week, from the work of Drs. Kimura and Reid, the mostly likely target among the PharmVac cadre is their proposed vaccine for West Nile virus infection."

Kate's brow furrowed in thought. "That's the virus that came to the US about ten years ago, or so, isn't it? It's carried by mosquitoes. I understand it's found pretty much everywhere by now."

Kimura took over. "It's probably been in the United States for longer than that, but most infections go undetected. They're subclinical, meaning that they don't cause much in the way of symptoms. But the virus is also capable of being very dangerous. It can cause encephalitis, or an inflammation of the brain. That can leave the patient with brain damage…or it can kill them."

Hirsch nodded. He hadn't been in touch with Reid over the weekend, but he'd had several extended conversations with Kimura.

"And there's been quite a bit in the media about these severe West Nile infections. So, even though they're rare, people are frightened."

Morgan understood. "Frightened enough to line up for the vaccine, so they don't have to worry about having their next cook-out in the backyard."

"Exactly," confirmed Hirsch. "A vaccine for West Nile is in high demand."

"How close are they to having it ready?" asked JJ.

"Very," replied Kimura. "They've been in trials for a few years now. So far, the vaccine looks very promising. It's probably already in queue for FDA approval."

"Probably?" Rossi was surprised she didn't know.

Kimura nodded her understanding. "It's proprietary information. I'm aware of their initial study protocols, and of the early promise of the vaccine. But only those in the FDA, and PharmVac, know the current status."

Hotch had already been briefed by Hirsch. "So we need to assume the worst, that they are ready to go into mass production, or may already have begun the process. It's possible that the local DTA activity beginning four months ago coincides with that kind of progress in the process of vaccine production."

"Which means," said Reid, "that the need to understand what's going on inside the building is urgent. So, how do we do that?"

"Ooh, me! Me!" Garcia waved her hand over her head, as though begging to be called on in class. "Let me at their systems, please!"

Hotch exchanged a glance with Sid Hirsch before responding to her. "Permission granted. But, remember….no footprints. We don't want them knowing we're looking."

"Of course, Sir! I'll just kind of…. _hover_." And she was gone.

Kate was glad for any information Garcia could uncover, but recognized it as not being enough. "Don't we still need to get in there? We need eyes on the vaccine lab, don't we?"

"We do," agreed her unit chief, "but that may be problematic. We have to assume they would recognize Dr. Kimura, and she's the only one who would be able to identify an irregularity in vaccine preparation."

Reid was quick to volunteer himself. "I could learn it. Linda could teach me." Turning to her. "Couldn't you?"

He _was_ the most likely second choice. Until Kimura responded to him.

"I could, Spencer. But it's unlikely I could reliably cover all the possible permutations of typical laboratory behavior. It's not your ability to learn it that I'm worried about. It's my ability to be thorough in choosing what to teach you. I'm afraid it's not a viable option."

JJ tried not to let her relief infuse into her voice. But she was _very_ glad to hear the idea dismissed. She couldn't bear the thought of Reid heading into enemy territory, all alone. But she did have a suggestion.

"Can we get cameras in there? They were helpful in the NIH lab."

"But that was a government operation." Rossi pointed out. "PharmVac is privately owned and operated. They're not exactly going to be all warm and fuzzy about the idea of letting us in there to set up a nanny cam."

Morgan still liked the idea. "So, how _could_ we get them in there?"

Reid was skeptical. "Guys, this is Big Pharma. There's a lot of money on the line here, especially with a new vaccine that's likely to be as popular as this one will be. There's bound to be very significant security in place, especially regarding electronics. They don't want their employees sharing trade secrets with other pharmaceutical companies."

Hirsch agreed…and disagreed. "Dr. Reid is correct. In order to get eyes inside the lab, it would be necessary to use some 'undetectable' equipment. Undetectable through traditional means, that is."

Rossi understood. "You're talking 'stealth' technology. Equipment _made_ of undetectable materials."

"Exactly."

"But where…" started Kate, stopping when Hirsch held up a hand.

"Better not to ask questions. But consider the equipment available."

* * *

"Promise me you'll be careful."

For all of the other personal matters before them, the only thing of concern to JJ, in the moment, was Reid's safety.

"Am I not _always_ careful? Wait, don't answer that."

"I'm serious, Spence. I'm still not clear why it has to be you."

"It's _not_ just me. Morgan will be there too, remember?"

"I know. I'm worried about both of you."

"All we're doing is installing a few cameras. I'm the one with the degree in engineering, remember? Hotch wants to be sure we accomplish this in one trip, so it's important to have someone who can troubleshoot. And, besides, Morgan will be providing the brawn. What could go wrong?"

Her eyes widened. "Did you seriously just say that? Spence, this cell has almost succeeded in killing you twice. I just don't want to give them another chance."

Reid had a moment to reflect on this new, strange, status of his life. He wasn't used to having someone worry about him. Not aloud, anyway. And not in person. He'd always known his mother worried…or, more correctly put, that she _would_ have worried, if she'd been able to process what he actually did with his life. Maeve had worried about him, but it had been more theoretical, and from a distance. With Stephanie, he'd been able to fall back on the need for confidentiality. She'd known he did dangerous work, but accepted that she couldn't really know about it. But, with JJ, it was immediate, personal and specific. She knew exactly what he did, because she did it, too. She was intimately familiar with the danger. And she was intimately familiar with the person facing it.

 _We're going to have to figure this out, if we're going to be together. She can't worry about me this way. And I can't worry...I can't...I can't NOT worry about her._ Surprised at where his mind had brought him. A thoughtful pause ensued. _We're definitely going to have to figure this out._

But not today. Today, he had to meet with Kimura, and Garcia and Hirsch, to get some guidance on the best placements for the cameras, and how best to set them up. Then he and Morgan would head up to Gaithersburg, and wait for the after-hours cleaning crew to arrive.

* * *

JJ had her own distraction this evening. Last night's conversation with her mother had brought her to a conclusion.

 _I have to have it out with him. I have to at least try. Again. I have to make him see. But I have to protect his ego when I do. Mom was right about that. He's not just hurting. It's also become a matter of pride for him. In the end, if I think about it, he's done very little to actually hurt me. In the past, anyway. I mean, yes, he's tried to isolate me from the others, now and again, but only because he was so unsure of himself. And he tried to keep me from finding out what Spence did for me last fall. But that was….._

She was about to tell herself that it had been understandable, given Will's distress and his misunderstanding of her relationship with her best friend. But that would have meant condoning his jealousy, and she wasn't about to do that. Even if it turned out to have been well-founded.

 _No, it wasn't. I loved Spence then, and he loved me. Maybe it was just like it's been for years...or maybe it was a little bit different. But neither of us would ever have let that get in the way of my marriage. That's what Will never understood. He didn't respect me enough to know that I wouldn't be unfaithful. And he never respected the most important friendship of my life. And that's what eroded whatever we had between us._

It was true, and it wasn't. Because, if she was really honest about it, the only thing….the only _one_ …they'd ever really had 'between them', was Henry. Yes, she'd cared about Will. She even thought she could still like and admire him, if only as a colleague. But, had it not been for Henry, she'd never have forced herself to answer the question, 'Can I make a life with him?'. Actually, she would never even have _posed_ the question.

Her conversation with Sandy last night had made her see that it was no good, communicating exclusively through their attorneys. She and Will may well have had significant problems with communication during their marriage, but it was imperative that they make it work now. Sarah wasn't the one who could make Will see that there was no point in fighting the inevitable, that there was nothing to be gained, and much to be lost, by putting Henry at the center of their differences. Only JJ could do that.

 _We'll tear apart at the seams, and Henry will fall right through. The fabric of our family was never strong. But, just now, it feels like tattered rags. And Henry deserves so much better. He deserves a tapestry._

Will may have been lashing out at her, and at Reid, to get to her. But he loved Henry. If JJ was sure of nothing else, she was sure of that.

 _I just have to make him see. His anger is blinding him right now. So I have to help him put it aside. I have to make him see that we never had a foundation, that there was really never enough holding us together, even while we both love Henry. I have to get his mind off the idea that there is something tearing us apart, and especially 'something' called Spencer Reid. I have to help him see that it has nothing to do with Spence, and everything to do with the two of us._

She'd rehearsed her words the whole ride home, and continued to do so as she picked up after her son. It never ceased to amaze her how much mess one small male body could produce, in minute spurts of time. Said small male had been sent off to dine with his grandmother, just in case things got loud.

 _But, if they do, I've already failed. I need to help him see it as inevitable, the same way I do. Because that's the only way he'll ever be able to accept it. I need to..._

The thought was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. With that sound came a profound sadness. Will was already a stranger in his own home.

* * *

"So, what's up with you, Pretty Boy? You've got a bounce in your step today. Did Stephanie get back from her tour?"

 _Stephanie! Ach! I'm supposed to call her!_

"No, she's in Africa right now. She's working on expanding the idea of the music mentoring program."

Morgan was impressed. "That's pretty amazing. You caught yourself a good one there, Kid. Although... how long is she going to be away?"

Reid was torn. Morgan was probably his best friend, after JJ. A very large part of him wanted to share the good news of the weekend, but he hadn't talked it through with JJ, and it was her news, too. So he stuck with what he could share, which was the new status of his relationship with Stephanie. New to Morgan, anyway. It seemed like very old news to Reid.

"She might be gone for as long as two years, so.."

Morgan's whistle overrode Reid's words. "Two years?! How can you keep a relationship going long distance for that amount of time?"

"What I was _saying_ , was that we decided to not try to maintain it. It's too hard, as you say. And, well..."

Morgan flashed him a look from the driver's seat. "And it wasn't all that serious, anyway?"

He waited for Reid to react. When there was no verbal response forthcoming, Morgan chanced another glance at his partner.

"Reid? Hey, I didn't mean anything by it. I know Stephanie was your first relationship since... well, you know. Maybe you just needed to get your feet wet again."

Even as he said the words, Morgan realized how strange it was to speak them. Because they both knew he was referring to Maeve, and pretty much _everything_ about Reid's relationship with Maeve had been strange...except for the very real feelings it had engendered in his good friend

 _Hell, he wasn't getting his feet wet_ again _with Stephanie, he was getting them wet for the first time!_

Reid still hadn't responded. He felt sorry about having Morgan tiptoeing around the subjects of his past relationships, especially when he so badly wanted to share his good news, and it completely tied his tongue.

Morgan misread the situation. "Kid, forget what I said. I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and Stephanie. Just hang in there. You hear me?"

"I hear you. Thanks."

They'd arrived at the parking lot for PharmVac. DHS had been watching the facility long enough to have made a number of recordings of the comings and goings of both PharmVac employees and their contracted services. Morgan and Reid were appropriately outfitted in white coveralls as they emerged from their white 'Cleaning Solutions' van, each carrying a meal sack. They would place as many as they could, of the eight 'stealth' microcameras they'd been given.

"Careful, Morgan," warned Reid. "That's one mighty expensive lunch you're carrying."


	59. Chapter 59

_**A.N. Okay. Employee work stoppage resolved.(Computer: 'Cannot start Windows.' Me: What do you mean? That's your job!') Replacement employee hired. Transfer of data completed. Major extracurricular project-successfully completed. Now, I'm going to try to power through the rest of this in a timely fashion. There might be one little diversion (aka, a one-shot story) precipitated by the season finale. But otherwise, my writing time belongs to And When I Wake.**_

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 59**

Challenge number one was getting into the building without arousing suspicion. Their FBI colleagues had successfully detained the actual 'Cleaning Solutions' van via a traffic stop that turned into an arrest for drug possession.

"Is it stereotyping if I say that was predictable?" asked Rossi.

"Yes." Kate admonished him, with just a hint of uncertainty in her voice. She'd been working with David Rossi long enough to feel comfortable with some banter, but not yet quite certain she could tell when he was kidding.

"Well, predictable or not, I'm glad he was carrying. It gives Morgan and Reid some extra time to get in and out of there before PharmVac wonders why there are _two_ cleaning crews working tonight."

"Do you think we should stick around, to make sure they're okay?"

Hotch and JJ had already left, and the two remaining profilers were on their way to the parking lot. Garcia was still holed up in her lair, 'hovering' somewhere in the PharmVac data system. She'd thought it better to go in during the off-hours.

"They'll be okay." Rossi was reassuring. "Besides, we couldn't really set up any closer to their location. That whole town is pretty much DTA, remember. This is one of those rare occasions when we're as close to the action from home, as we would be from the BAU. Let's take advantage of it."

"All right," she had to agree. "But I'll make sure Chris stays in tonight, just in case. I don't like the idea of Meg being home alone, if I get called in. It just…" She shivered. "I know it doesn't really make sense, but it just doesn't feel as safe as it used to. Not with these people out there ready to kill a child to make a point."

Her hand went protectively to her lower abdomen, and Rossi noticed. He turned her to face him.

"Listen. There's never been anything particularly safe about bringing a child into this world."

 _Not now, and not thirty-four years ago._

"And we can't control everything. Trying to do that only makes us all crazy. All we can do is love the children entrusted to us, and be grateful that they're in our lives. So you go home and hug your husband, and hug Meg, and think about baby names for that little one." His eyes fixed on the hand that was still rubbing her belly. "We'll get these guys before he…or she…..gets here. That's a promise."

Kate gave him a teary grin. The famous David Rossi, founder of the BAU, legendary hunter of serial killers, the man whose very name had once intimidated her, had given his word. As much as she knew he couldn't actually make such a promise, Kate found it reassuring….and endearing. So she did something she'd never, ever expected to do. She leaned up and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"Thank you. I'm going to do everything I can to help you keep that promise. But, tonight, I'm going to take your advice. I'm going home, and hugging my husband and my kid….well, both of them," rubbing the baby bump again. "And I'll be grateful that I can."

* * *

"Are you sure you'll recognize the right lab?"

To Morgan, PharmVac seemed like a maze, with no discernible pattern to its layout.

"Kimura gave me the name of the lead scientist who she thinks runs the West Nile lab. It's her best guess, since he was the one who submitted for the FDA approval. The lab should be labeled either by the work or the scientist. At least Garcia was able to come up with a basic floor plan."

"This is a plan? It just looks like a maze of offices and labs and storage to me."

"That's because that's all it is. I was able to memorize the general layout, but we're going to have to look at the signs outside each lab to know which is our target."

"We don't exactly have all night, Pretty Boy. We're gonna need to let the cleaning squad get in here eventually, or they'll realize something's up. Either that, or we'll have to do the cleaning ourselves."

"How are you with a mop?"

* * *

"Hi."

"Hi. Come on in." JJ couldn't help a nervous giggle. "This feels so strange, inviting you into your own house."

"There are a hell of a lot of things that feel strange these days, Cher."

She sighed. "Yeah, you're right about that. I've set us up in the kitchen. I only had time for takeout tonight. Hope you don't mind."

"Long as it's from that Chinese place we love."

"Good guess." She began pulling containers out of a bag, and handed them across to Will, to place on the table. Then she held up a bottle in each hand. "Beer or wine?"

"Neither. I think I need to be clear-headed tonight."

JJ nodded, and put the bottles back, replacing them with water. "Good idea."

They fell into a familiar pattern of passing containers, and filling plates, JJ instinctively knowing to hand him only the white rice, Will knowing to pass her the extra package of soy sauce. It was all so second nature that neither of them might have given it a thought. Except that it was the only 'normal' thing about their having dinner together, and that fact became the unspoken symbol of the brokenness that had crept into everything. Once they'd finished assembling their dishes, neither of them could eat.

Will pushed back his chair first. "Cher...I can't do this. You said we needed to talk, and I agree. Although, I have to admit, I thought we'd pretty much said everything we had to say a few weeks ago."

JJ drew her napkin from her lap and laid it on the table, as she pushed back her own chair.

"We did both say a lot, but then we started speaking only through our lawyers. And I, for one, don't think that's been a good thing."

Sarah hadn't quite agreed with that sentiment, when she'd heard about this planned discussion. But she'd been unable to dissuade her client.

Will rose from his chair and held out a hand, inviting JJ up. "See, we already found somethin' we agree on. Let's not do this here. Seems I've lost my taste for Chinese."

She gave him a small smile. "A second thing we agree on." And she followed him into the living room.

They took opposite ends of the couch, each half-turned to look at the other. Having issued the invitation, JJ felt it was up to her to start the conversation. But, as soon as she opened her mouth, Will put up a hand to stop her.

"Let me get something out first, okay?"

She nodded.

"I almost didn't take your call. Doug…my attorney…he'd told me that I should communicate only through him, at least until we signed an agreement. But then, I thought it might be about Henry, and what if something had happened to him, and I was off standin' on ceremony. What kind of father would that make me? So, I answered."

"But you said 'no'." He'd refused her invitation to dinner.

"At first. But then I called you back and said 'yes'-obviously."

"Why?" It had taken him most of the day, and she'd become wary that he'd found a way to exploit the visit.

"Why did I change my mind?"

She nodded.

Will leaned back into the sofa and stretched out his legs as he had done countless times before, on this very sofa, in this very room, sitting beside this very woman. But none of it felt familiar.

"I guess I just started thinkin'. Up to last week, I was probably just feelin', and it wasn't getting me anywhere. I was upset, and angry, and all I could think of was to lash out. For a while, I was even glad Doug told me to let him do all the talkin', because I was actually afraid of what I might say."

She started to interrupt him, feeling responsible. Because she hadn't quite forgiven herself for not being able to love the father of her child.

"Will, I'm sorry…."

His raised hand shushed her, again.

"Let me finish, Darlin'. You asked me a question, and I want to answer it."

Obedient, she gave him a silent nod to continue.

"I was angry. You know that. I couldn't help it, it was how I felt. But I also knew it was stupid. What's the point of being angry with you for not lovin' me? Love isn't somethin' you can demand out of a body. It's somethin' they have to want to give you."

"Will, it's not that I didn't want to. Please believe me, I wanted to. I tried, really I did, I…"

"Cher," raising his voice, and then lowering it again, once he'd silenced her. "You're not exactly helpin' my ego out here, tellin' me how hard it is to love me."

JJ reddened, chastised. He was right. She would have to be more careful in selecting her words.

"That's not what I meant. It's not you. For that matter, maybe it's not me, either. Maybe it's just that…. I don't know, I don't know how it works. I don't know what makes us fall in love with one person, and not with another. Maybe it's…...nevermind."

She'd almost said ' _Spence would call it pheromones_.' Thank God for her newly-made resolution to think about her words before speaking them.

Will didn't seem to have noticed the abrupt ending to her sentence. He had come to say some things, and he was determined to get them out.

"Like I was sayin', there was a part of me that realized it was foolish to be angry. Well, call me a fool, then, I was angry anyway. But I got so I could see that I shouldn't act on it."

"By 'act on it', do you mean telling your lawyer about Spence?"

Despite her resolution, and despite the relative civility of their conversation, JJ let a little resentment drip into her tone.

Will closed his eyes in frustration. "Ah, that. Listen, Cher, I never meant for it to come out like that. Doug just asked me about all the people in Henry's life, and whether any of them were unsuitable for my boy, and…."

"And you told him that Spence was unsuitable for Henry?!"

Not just resentment now. Anger. Incredulity. Outrage.

"No! No, I didn't, JJ. He just started listin' off different things….has anybody ever been arrested, or had a drinking problem, or a drug problem, or been reported to child welfare…..things like that."

She scowled at him, even though she recognized the questions. She'd been asked them,too, by Sarah. In fact, she'd even asked them herself, of countless parents of missing children.

"You didn't need to tell him. Spence doesn't use drugs. He was a _victim_ in that, Will. Why would you make him a victim again?"

There it was. And there _he_ was. Spencer Reid, right in the middle of their marriage, yet again.

Irritation infused Will's voice. "I didn't victimize Spencer. I told the truth, when my attorney asked me a question. He asked if anyone in Henry's life had ever had any of those problems. So I told him that Spencer had a history. But I didn't say he was still using. Not that I would have a way to know."

"Will!"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I know it was an ordeal for him, and I shouldn't have taken advantage of it. I don't have any reason to think Henry isn't perfectly safe with him. Never have."

She was frustrated. "Then why did you imply otherwise to your attorney? You had to know how I would react! And what about this whole idea of using it to coerce me into moving to New Orleans? Were you thinking I would see the error of my ways, and we'd get back together?"

The more she thought about it, the more worked up she became. Especially since she'd actually given thought to the idea, in order to protect Spence. JJ could hear her own voice rising, and she could feel the pulsations in her neck.

 _Calm down. This supposed to be a discussion, not an argument. You're trying to get him to listen, remember?_

She took several deep breaths, until she could feel her heart rate drop a bit. Across from her, Will watched the purposeful calming, and admired her ability to achieve it. He'd needed _external_ support to accomplish the same thing.

"This is the absolute truth, Cher. I never told my lawyer to say anything about movin' to New Orleans. I mean, I talked about it with him, before, you know, when he asked me what I wanted to get out of all this. But I never asked him to say it to you. Not even to your lawyer. I know you hate New Orleans. I know you'd never want to live there."

She'd quieted enough to hear him out.

"I don't hate New Orleans, Will. It's just not my home. It's _your_ home. It was never 'our' home."

"It could have been." In spite of himself, he couldn't restrain it.

She saw, and was sympathetic. "No, it couldn't have been. It would have cost me a job I love, and friends I don't want to leave."

"You just want to leave me."

Full circle. They'd come back to where they'd started. And they knew they would end up doing so again, and again, trying to understand it. That was the nature of love, realized or not, requited or not. It was the purpose of everything, the purpose of life. When it failed, it demanded explanation.

"Will…..can't you see? You were as unhappy as I was. I'm being honest with you when I say I don't want to leave my job or my friends. I've _always_ been honest about that. But, let's face it, you weren't as honest about what _you_ wanted. I'm not saying you lied to me. I think maybe you just weren't honest with yourself. Because you _said_ you wanted to be supportive….you even left your home and your job with NOLA PD to prove it. But that was the end of your support. After we moved in together, after Henry was born, you wanted _me_ to change. You wanted me to give up those things you'd said you would support me in. You resented my work, and my friends, because they took me away from some image you had of what our family should be like. But you never asked me if I shared that image."

He remained silent, so she continued.

"You began to resent the time I spent with work, and the fact that I had good, strong friendships there. It was like you expected me to walk away from some of the most important people in my life, and just stay home with you and Henry….like a good wife."

Knowing those words would hit home. She'd come to understand that it was how the LaMontagne clan did things. Will's next words proved her right.

"There's nothin' wrong with a husband and wife puttin' each other first, is there?"

"No, of course not. And, believe it or not, I did. Or, I tried. I'm sure I didn't always succeed. But putting each other first is not the same as becoming isolated. And that was really what you wanted, wasn't it? You wanted to _know_ you were first, so you wanted me to prove it, by distancing myself from everyone else."

 _Especially Spence._

Neither could know they'd both had the same thought. Because neither was prepared to speak it aloud. Not in this conversation.

"I…" He couldn't really rebut her. She was right.

"That doesn't work for me, Will. It's not something I ever agreed to, because it's not something I want. I want friends, and challenging work. I want to make a difference in the world, and not just by being a wife and mother."

"It was good enough for my mama."

"And it was good enough for _mine_. It's just not good enough for _me._ I can only be who I am, Will. And who I am doesn't fit into your image of a good wife. I'm not who you were looking for."

They sat in silence for a few long minutes after that. JJ hoped Will's failure to argue the point meant he was conceding it.

He was. But that didn't mean an end to the discussion.

"What if I let go of my image?"

"I don't understand," said JJ, actually afraid that maybe she _did_ understand.

"What if I said I could live with your job, and your friends? What if _I_ changed?"

He shifted uncomfortably in his place, physical evidence of the turmoil within. It wasn't lost on his wife, the profiler.

JJ gave him a sad smile. "Will, we're not talking about reforming a life of crime here. We're talking about who we _are_. _Fundamentally_. I _know_ you know this. Neither of us should have to make a concession on being who we are. It would be a life of constant surveillance, always worried that we've reverted to form. And it would be pointless. There's nothing wrong with either of us. We're just not good together."

Another long silence ensued, again broken by Will.

"Well….I still love you. I love you and Henry, both."

The simple sincerity of it touched her deeply, and she filled up.

"I know you do. And I still love you, too. I see you in Henry all the time. How could I feel any other way? But you're _in_ love with an image of me that's not real. An image of our _family_ that's not real. And living that way can only bring heartache to all of us."

He nodded, unable to speak. All he could manage was, "Already has."

Both of them were crying now. But the tears contained cleansing as much as sorrow. It was the most genuine communication they'd had in months. Maybe in years. Maybe since that first time in New Orleans, when she'd given him her number. And, as much as it hurt, it felt real.

Will opened his arms, and JJ slid across into his embrace. They wept together for who they were, and who they weren't, and who they couldn't be, and for sorrow, and loss, and relief, and gratitude. For all that they _hadn't_ been able to give to one another, they had given that one, precious, thing…..their son.

JJ sniffled against Will's chest.

"So, what made the difference?"

"Hmm?"

"What made you decide to come tonight, and actually talk this through?"

"Oh. That."

"That...what?"

He heaved a sigh, and they both sat back up, facing one another.

"I had a talk with a very wise lady."

His tone gave it away.

"Mom? Mom called you about this?"

He shook his head. "Naw. Not about this. She dropped Henry off at school this mornin', right?"

JJ nodded.

"Well, when he got there, he remembered that he didn't have his math workbook. He told her he left it under his pillow at my place."

"Under his pillow?"

"Seems his Uncle Spence once told him you could learn in your sleep, so…"

JJ chuckled. "That's our Henry, always looking for an angle."

He smiled. "Yep. So, I found the book, and Sandy came over to pick it up, and….well, we got to talkin'."

"That must have been some talk."

"Well, you know your mama. She can be pretty persuasive, when she sets her mind on it."

"What did she say?" Brow furrowed. As much as she was grateful for it, she didn't really want to think that she needed her mother to fight her battles for her.

Will shrugged. "You know, I don't even know. All I know is that, after she left, I found myself thinkin' about who my mama and daddy raised me to be, and whether I was still that person. Because they sure didn't raise me to be hidin' behind someone else, and lettin' them do my talkin' for me."

"Your attorney?"

He nodded. "So, right then and there I decided that I'd had enough of being told how to handle my own life and my own wife. I knew we had to do it ourselves."

She nodded. "Ourselves. Together."

The irony not lost on either of them.

"So," Will asked, "where do we go from here?"

"Well, that depends. I guess we still should work out something for Henry, that suits all of us."

"Agreed."

"Does what we're doing now work? Mom is around during the week to help, so he can stay here and go to school, then we can alternate weekends."

"Do you think I can still take him to Scouts during the week? And soccer in the fall?"

"Of course you can. We need to make this as normal for Henry as we can. But…can I go to soccer too? It's kind of my thing, remember?"

He grinned. "Sure thing. Henry is the one thing we did right together. I think we can manage to keep that up, don't you?"

JJ reached over and squeezed his hand. "I do, now."

They spent the next hour making up for the past month of cold-war détente, sharing Henry stories and local gossip. When it was time for Will to leave, JJ knew there was still one piece of information she _hadn't_ shared. One very large piece.

But it wasn't the right time. She'd asked so much of him already. She didn't feel like she could ask him to accept this one thing more. Not tonight.

 _It's going to have to wait. I don't want to lose the war for the sake of the one battle._

* * *

They'd been through at least half of the massive building, with nary a sign of the lab they were looking for, and both Morgan and Reid were getting frustrated. Time was running short. Not to mention they'd probably been seen on any number of security cameras by now, two members of the cleaning crew seemingly roaming the property without accomplishing any actual maintenance.

"One of two things is gonna happen here, Kid. We're either gonna be confronted by some righteous security guard, and have to talk our way out of it…..or not."

Reid stopped short, risking a collision with the closely-following Morgan. The BAU genius taken the lead in the hunt, the better able to interpret signage that was written mostly in scientific terms.

"Or not? Isn't that obvious?" Realizing there must be a point to Morgan's statement.

"Or not. Which would mean they're watching us, but not responding. Which means…"

"That they want to know what we're up to. So, if that's the case, we're going to need to give them some false leads."

"Like what?"

"Well, we could make off with some of their equipment. It would go for quite a bit on the black market."

"I don't think we're authorized for that, Pretty Boy."

Reid grinned. "Just an idea. But what I was really thinking was that we could go into a few different labs and throw them off about which one we're actually interested in."

Morgan nodded his approval, as they both resumed walking. "Okay, now you're talking. So, which?"

They rounded a corner as Reid responded.

"Well, we just came out of the Parasitology corridor. We could go back and spend some time in one or two labs, or we could…."

He stopped short again. "Here it is...the Virology wing! This is it!"

"It's about time! All right, maybe we can go in a couple of these, to throw them off, and then hit the parasite labs again on the way out. Let's just get the cameras in the lab first."

"Agreed."

Reid continued down the corridor, again followed by Morgan. As they walked past, he read off the Latin names of each virus that had merited its own lab. There seemed to be several groupings of them.

"Enterovirus….that's one to keep an eye on. It's getting more virulent. I was talking with Kimura about it, and…."

"Kid!"

"What? I can walk and talk at the same time, Morgan. Oh, here! There's a whole corridor for Flaviviridae!"

"I thought we were looking for West Nile?"

"We are. It's a Flavivirus. Just like…. Oh, my God. I think I just figured out what they're planning to do!"


	60. Chapter 60

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 60**

"Okay, I'll bite. What do you think they're up to?" Morgan was anxious to hear. His colleague had been right about pretty much everything so far.

Given the okay, Reid went into professorial mode.

"West Nile is a Flavivirus. What _other_ Flavivirus has been all over the news lately?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"What? No, I'm trying to make a point."

"Pretty Boy, what in God's name would make you think I've ever even heard of the word, 'Fla…Flavir…"

"Flavivirus," the impatient genius spoke over his good friend. "All right, you're right, you wouldn't know. It's only being reported by its popular name."

"Which is?" Morgan growled. Geniuses weren't the only people who could become impatient.

"Zika. The Zika virus is a Flavivirus. It's in the same family as West Nile."

Morgan let out a whistle at the more familiar term. "That's the one that causes babies to have small heads."

"Microcephaly, yes. And, going along with that, underdeveloped brains. Zika is antigenically similar to West Nile, and they share a vector."

"English, please."

"Sorry. It means that both of them have a similar structure…on the outside, anyway. The part that interacts with human cells. And they're both mosquito-borne."

"I thought there was sexual transmission of Zika."

Reid gave his companion an appreciative look. "You've been reading!"

"I live with a doctor, Kid. Unfortunately, Zika has been the topic of conversation over more than a few dinners."

"Really? Maybe I should take Savannah up on that invitation."

Morgan's first serious girlfriend in... _.ever._... had decided it was time to get to know his work family better.

"Let me know when you do. I'll find a game on the tube and you two can chatter away about any kind of virus you like. Anyway, it's true, isn't it? You don't need a mosquito bite to catch Zika?"

"No, you don't. And that's making the medical world very nervous right about now."

"And the rest of the world, too. Savannah tells me the Olympics are supposed to be held in prime Zika territory this year."

"Exactly. Which makes Zika research very popular at the moment. There's a rush to find better ways to test, and I'll bet there are efforts at vaccine development everywhere."

"Is that what you think they're doing? Working on a Zika vaccine? 'Cause that doesn't sound like a bad thing to me."

Reid agreed with the sentiment, but thought they were dealing with something more complex.

"They probably are, yes. Or s _ome_ of them are, anyway. Maybe Dr. Barry is. He's the one who's working on the West Nile vaccine, according to Kimura. He might also have the Zika lab, and he could definitely be working on a vaccine there, too. I'm more concerned that someone else, with access to both labs, might be taking advantage of it. Because, to work on a vaccine, they'd have to have some live cultures in the lab."

"Which you're thinking they'll use to infect people?"

Reid nodded distractedly, caught up in trying to puzzle it out.

"Yes. But the question is, how? It's not like they can use the same method they did with the hantavirus. It's not something you can catch by breathing it in. So it has to be introduced through blood or body fluids. My first thought was that they would hide it in the West Nile vaccine. It wouldn't be hard. It looks like the West Nile virus, and the vaccine is nearly approved. It will be popular once it comes out."

"Well, that must be it, then."

Reid shook his head. "I'm not so sure. I need to reason this through. Are they trying to create a distraction? Make a statement? Or are they actually trying to win the war by producing a generation of disabled Americans? That would be an amazing strategy, but it would also require an incredible amount of patience."

"Kid, they've already waited a few thousand years."

"That's assuming it actually is a holy war. But, for all we know, DTA might just be taking advantage of religious differences to promote an agenda that's actually political. It may be just like almost every other war, fueled by greed, and a lust for power. And they're just using zealots to advance their cause."

Morgan considered it a moment. And, in that moment, noticed the time.

"You've got a point. We need to work through this. But we should do it with the team. Let's get these cameras planted and get out of here."

Reid nodded. "But I think we need to split them across the two labs. Half in West Nile and half in Zika. I know it's a change in plan, but I've got an intuition about this."

Morgan shrugged. "Somehow I think Hotch and Hirsch would rather hear that you have evidence. But I'll go with intuition."

* * *

They'd placed four cameras in each of the targeted virology labs, and were making their way back down the Parasitology corridor, when their luck ran out. They heard footsteps, multiple footsteps, rapidly approaching. They were no longer alone.

"Let me take the lead on this, Kid!" hissed Morgan.

"With pleasure," Reid responded with a whisper.

They _had_ come up with a backstory, though neither of them was all that confident in it. But it was all they had at the moment. Judging from the sound of the footsteps, they were significantly outnumbered. They had to hope their effort at outwitting the security guards would be successful. The only other alternative was a firefight, and there were a host of reasons why that would be undesirable.

Morgan gestured that he was about to begin, and Reid nodded. With that, the senior profiler brushed an empty rack of test tubes off the counter, creating a loud crashing sound.

"Goddamn it!" He yelled. "I told you to be careful!"

Reid caught on immediately, and assumed his role. "S…s….sorry. I didn't see it. It was my elbow…ow!"

"I'll 'ow' you, you idiot! Here, I'm trying to do you a favor…"

Morgan stopped mid-sentence as he looked toward the doorway. Five PharmVac security guards, fully armed, stood outside.

"Uh…hello, officers." Doing his best to look deferential.

One of them, apparently the detail leader, stepped forward, taking in the sight of the brawny black custodian and his scrawny companion, who was rubbing at the spot where he had, apparently, been cuffed on the head.

"What are you two doing here?"

Despite his earlier promise, Reid spoke up.

"It was my fault, I'm sorry… I'll pay for it, I promise!"

The security guard made a show of looking toward the wreckage of the test tube rack, and then back at the two janitors. He ran his eyes up and down the skinny one and scowled.

"You saying you're the one that broke that?"

"Ye…yes." Avoiding eye contact, Reid bowed his head as though waiting for punishment.

The guard seemed disgusted by the subservient behavior. He directed his words to the dominant of the two.

"I'm still waiting to hear what you are doing here."

"Yes, sir. Reynolds…." Nodding his head in Reid's direction. "That's Reynolds. He's new, so I was taking him around and showing him the layout. I told him not to touch anything."

The guard considered the explanation for a moment.

"Where's the rest of you?"

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Where are the rest? You're the only two here."

"Really? I thought they'd _all_ be here by now. Me and Reynolds just came ahead so's I could show him around, like I said."

"Yeah, well they're _not_ here. Why don't you call your boss and find out where they are?"

"Uh…sure."

Thank God they'd worked this much through. Morgan pulled out his phone and tapped out the number for Cleaning Solutions. The _real_ number. Only, since it was coming from one of their two phones, it was diverted to Penelope Garcia's line.

"Cleaning Solutions answering service." As instructed.

"Hey, can you get hold of the night supervisor for the PharmVac crew? Tell him it's Ron Wilson. I'm at the job site, and we have a little problem."

"Will do. Is this the number for call back?"

"Yes. Thanks."

As they waited for the return call, the security chief began quizzing the two maintenance men.

"How long you been on the job, Reynolds?"

"M..me? I'm new, like he says." Reid pointed a thumb in the direction of his colleague.

"New to here, or new to Cleaning Solutions?"

"Both."

"What did you do before?"

"Uh….same thing, really. Just…I worked at a hospital."

Planting a background that might jell with his having been hired into a biotech company.

"Uh-huh. How 'bout you, Wilson?"

"Me? I've been with Cleaning Solutions for eight years. I mostly do biohazard spills, though."

"So you haven't been here before?"

Morgan shook his head. "No, I've been here. Only a coupla times, though."

Anything further was cut off by the sounding of his phone. The caller ID said it was Joseph Rossini. Morgan put the phone on speaker.

"Wilson, what kinda problem's got you interrupting my dinner? You got a leak or something?" Rossi laid the Italian on thick.

"No, sir. We just have a security guard who wants to speak with you."

"Put him on then. My lasagna's getting cold."

Morgan handed over his phone, and the security guard spoke up.

"This is Robert Curcio. I'm the night security supervisor here at PharmVac. You've got only these two guys, Wilson and Reynolds, on site. Where's the rest of your crew?"

"Ah….I see." Rossini sounded like he was chewing. "It's nothing, Mr. Curcio. We had an emergency call over at the courthouse. Seems somebody plugged the toilets, and there's been 'unwanted material' dripping into a courtroom. Judge had a fit. They'll be along as soon as they finish up there. My girl was supposed to tell Wilson. I take it that didn't happen?"

Morgan spoke up. "You take it right. If I'd known, I coulda explained it to Mr. Curcio here, and we wouldn't have bothered you."

"Ah, I'll take it up with Penny. So, Mr. Curcio, are we okay here?"

Curcio looked from the phone, to the maintenance men, to his team, and back again.

"I guess so. Just make sure the rest of the crew gets here. The big bosses like a neat shop. It's pretty important in this business."

"I'll take care of it personally. And, if the rest of the guys get held up, you can have Wilson and Reynolds for the rest of the night."

* * *

It didn't turn out to be quite 'the rest of the night', but Cleaning Solutions wasn't able to put a replacement crew together until after ten. Three of the original five-man team had been charged with possession, and their van impounded. The remaining members had returned to their home base to pick up another van, as well as a few replacements.

Morgan and Reid would have to find a way to exit PharmVac without running into the new cleaning crew, who were completely unaware of the existence of Wilson and Reynolds. And it needed to stay that way. Garcia would alert them when the replacement team was about to arrive.

It turned out that Morgan actually was pretty good with a mop, courtesy of his years renovating properties. Reid was no slacker in that department, either, having learned out of necessity during his mother's bouts of being bedridden.

"This lab won't know what hit it. I'll bet it's never been cleaned this well before," said Morgan.

"Yeah, well, don't let Hotch know we have a new skill set, please."

Morgan chuckled. "You pick up anything here, Kid?"

Reid had been memorizing names of materials, and positions of equipment. He'd even paged through a few folders left out on desktops.

"Not enough. I need to talk with Kimura. There are a few ways they might be planning to use the Zika, and I need to talk them through with her. With the whole team, really. We'll need profiling for this."

Morgan assured him. "I told Garcia. She'll call Hotch. Unless we hear otherwise, we'll meet tomorrow morning at the BAU. Kimura's on the list."

"Good." Reid checked his watch. Not that he needed to. His level of fatigue told him it must be late by now.

As though in answer to his colleague's unspoken prayer, Morgan's phone sounded. He spent a minute talking with Garcia, then turned to Reid.

"It's time."

"Any ideas how we're going to get out of here?" He'd mentally charged Morgan with figuring that out, while he put his eidetic memory to good use.

"Yep." Morgan grinned. "One of us has to get wet. Want to flip?"

Reid shook his head, a resigned smile on his face.

"They already know me as the klutzy one. Go ahead."

With that, Morgan dipped his mop into a bucket of clean water. Without squeezing out the excess moisture, he flicked it at Reid, soaking his friend from the neck down.

Drenched, the younger man shivered in the air conditioning.

"Brr! Let's get out of here!"

* * *

Thankfully, the ruse worked. There was a moment of tension when they reached the exit, which was now occupied by a security guard. But one look at Reynolds, and a commiserating nod to Wilson, for having to put up with him, and the guard waved them out to their van, ostensibly for a change of clothes.

Once inside, Morgan sped quickly through the garage and out to the street, keeping his headlights off until they were a good distance away. In that distance, Reid could just make out a white Cleaning Solutions van turning into the garage entrance.

"Just in time." Reid reached over and turned the heat up all the way. There hadn't actually been a change of clothes in their van.

"Yeah….just in time for us to get out unscathed. But these people aren't stupid. I think they'll figure out they've been breached."

Reid nodded distractedly. "You're right. So we won't be able to get back in the same way."

"Back in?"

"Yes. I have a lot of questions about what everything means, and exactly what they're trying to accomplish. But I know we're going to have to get back in there."

* * *

It was nearing midnight before a hungry, weary ...and wet... Reid stumbled into his apartment. He stripped off his still damp clothes and put on a set of sweats, finally warm again, for the first time in almost two hours. He was too exhausted to consider eating, but there was one task he needed to accomplish before giving in to his exhaustion. As focused as he'd been on the task at hand tonight, he'd been keenly aware of another, maybe equally difficult, task, occurring elsewhere.

JUST BACK. DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU. HOPE IT WENT OKAY. DID IT? ILY.

Proud of that last bit. He'd picked it up vicariously from Kate. She'd given the team an impromptu lesson on the plane one day, having made a point of learning 'text-speak' in order to communicate with her niece. At the time, he'd allowed most of the shortcuts to slip through his eidetic memory, sure he would never use them. But somehow, this one had taken root. Maybe because it was so obvious. Or maybe because some part of him knew it would come in handy one day.

Reid smiled to himself. Three little letters, three little words. In his life, he'd said them to so few people. His mother. Henry. To his everlasting regret, he'd never said them to Maeve. And his feelings for Stephanie had been too different to merit them.

He'd said them to JJ any number of times, over the years. But it was different now. What had once been a simple, full, warmth deep inside had acquired a new spark, as though new wood had rekindled fire from smoldering embers. There was an excitement about it, that made it seem both familiar and strange... _pleasantly_ strange...at the same time. It was a new kind of love for them, and it warranted a new kind of statement. So Reid sent one more text.

ILY! ! !


	61. Chapter 61

_**A.N. To those who were kind enough to review the preceding chapter (and who might review this one as well): FFN is malfunctioning (again). So I've received, and read, and am grateful for your thoughts, but they don't seem to be posting on line. This has happened before. It usually takes the site a while to get it resolved, and then everything appears at once.**_

 ** _To 'guest' (sorry, I can't send you a PM, since you haven't identified yourself): It sounds like you are frustrated with the pace of JJ and Reid's now four-day-old relationship. Obviously, I look at it differently. I see them as two mature, responsible adults caught up in a complex personal situation involving a not-yet-ex and a child. JJ, in particular, has a history with Will, and is emotionally wrought by the idea that it is her choice, however inevitable, that is ending their marriage and causing him pain. She has to deal with that before she can feel truly free in her relationship with Reid. Both of them are trying to do the right thing without a costly misstep. That's what mature adults do. These particular mature adults are also understandably distracted from focusing on their relationship, because they are_ _simultaneously involved in a matter of national security. That's the nature of the beast for people dedicated to the safety of the public. All of which is a long-winded way of saying that, if you're finding yourself frustrated, be forewarned-it's highly likely to continue._**

* * *

 **And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 61**

Reid entered the BAU conference room with a lightness in his step that was out of synch with the seriousness of their case, courtesy of the text he'd found when he'd awakened.

BETTER THAN EXPECTED. DINNER TONIGHT, UNLESS CASE? ILY2! MTICS

The last five letters had left him wishing he'd paid more attention during Kate's lesson on texting, but he'd gotten the gist. Will had been more conciliatory than either of them had thought he'd be.

 _But how conciliatory? Is my drug use off the table? Or do I still have to have a very difficult conversation with Hotch?_

JJ's tone….or as much of it as could be infused into a short text message… had been upbeat, so he'd decided to focus on the positive. Which was the prospect of spending time with the woman and boy he loved at the end of the day, if only the case didn't interfere. He had a sense that it wouldn't. Not this evening. But tomorrow, all bets were off.

JJ was already flanked by Garcia and Kimura, so Reid took a seat across the table. He'd long ago learned that the view was better from there, anyway.

Morgan made his way in next.

"Hey, how you doin' today, Pretty Boy? You warm up?"

"Finally. The next time I volunteer for something, you can hit me on the back of the head. Again."

"Again?" JJ looked from Reid to Morgan and back.

"Long story," the genius advised. "I'll tell you later."

Just then, they were joined by Hotch, Rossi and Hirsch, all arriving together, followed by Kate, who seemed to have acquired just a little bit of a waddle, virtually overnight.

"Sorry I'm late. I'm slowing down a bit, I'm afraid."

Hotch waved away her apology. "You're not late until I've said this: Let's get started."

The rest tittered as Kate smiled her gratitude to her boss.

"Morgan, Reid, let's hear what you learned last night."

Morgan spoke first. "I'll have to leave that to the genius here. He spent most of the night reading while I swabbed away with my trusty mop."

"Hmph. Trusty mop. It's a sure bet _I'll_ never trust it again."

The rest looked around at one another and, taking their cue from the toothful grin on Morgan's face, smiled. Save Hotch, who was too focused.

"Reid." Encouraging the young man to continue.

"All right. We found the West Nile lab, and right next to it was the lab for another Flavivirus."

No one had a chance to ask before Kimura said, in recognition, "Zika."

"Yes. Neither was labeled with the researcher's name, but the papers inside made it seem like they were both under a Dr. Kevin Barry."

Kimura nodded again. "I've met Dr. Barry. He's well known for his work in developing the West Nile vaccine that's about to come out of trials and be made available. And we were both on a recent conference call about Zika. I'm sure both labs would be under his supervision."

"Okay. Well, here's what I think. They've got live virus cultures of both West Nile and Zika in the respective labs. We know they're not spread by aerosol or by casual contact, so the workers are not at particular risk on a daily basis. There were signs warning them what to do for a needle stick, but those are pretty much standard fare for any lab, right?" Looking toward Kimura.

"Correct. But it is also true that, given a large enough inoculum…" Looking around the table, and seeing the need to change her language, "..given a large enough exposure, even an organism that usually can only be transmitted by blood or body fluids can be caught in other ways."

"What are you saying?" Hirsch wanted clarification. As did Morgan, who'd spent much of the prior night inside the labs in question.

Kimura sat back, gathering her thoughts, and laicizing them. It was time for a short course in infectious diseases.

"The basics are this….and the science is changing, down to the molecular level, even as we speak. Organisms infect people by finding a part of the body that allows them entrance, and a means of attachment. Sometimes that's the skin, sometimes the lung, or nose, or throat, or intestine. And sometimes it's the blood. When the place a virus attaches is the blood, then it depends how much blood mixes with how much organism. Some viruses are more infectious than others, meaning it requires less direct contact to develop an infection. Hepatitis B and HIV are good examples of that. They are both spread from person to person the same way…via blood and body fluids…but Hepatitis B is much easier to catch. It requires less virus to make someone sick. So there can be household spread, from minimal body fluid contact, even without direct blood or sexual contact. But HIV is much harder to catch, so there isn't household spread."

Hotch was following her. "What is the status of West Nile and Zika regarding how infectious they are?"

Kimura managed to shrug and shake her head at the same time.

"It appears we're still learning about that. Until just a few weeks ago, we didn't even realize Zika could be spread through sexual contact."

Garcia was following her, too, and it alarmed her.

"Are you saying that Reid and Morgan might have been exposed last night to enough virus to make them sick?"

Kimura rushed to assure her. "I doubt it. There have been no reports of infections in the workers from the labs, and they've had much more sustained exposure. It's unlikely that either Zika or West Nile can take root without direct blood exposure. So the main risk would be if there had been an open cut or something."

Making eye contact with Reid. They both remembered how much more quickly he'd developed anthrax symptoms, because of an ill-timed misadventure with a thorn bush. Just as their eyes met, Reid quickly looked away, and Kimura's antennae went up. She might not have been a profiler, but she'd had enough interaction with Spencer Reid to recognize when a troubling thought had crossed his mind.

Before she could say anything, Reid brought the subject back to what might be happening at PharmVac.

"So, as I was saying, the people who work in the labs have access to live virus cultures of both Zika and West Nile. They're using inactivated virus to create the West Nile vaccine, so it's not possible to get the illness from it. But what if they managed to infuse some live Zika virus into the West Nile vaccine?"

Kate's hand had been rubbing her abdomen from the moment the word 'Zika' had first been spoken.

"You're saying they might purposely try to infect people? Even if it risks microcephaly in a perfectly innocent baby? That's unthinkable!"

Hirsch spoke up. "That's what terrorists do, Agent Callahan. The unthinkable. It's what makes them so frightening."

"I thought you had some doubts about your idea, Pretty Boy. That's why you wanted to talk it over with the team."

Reid nodded. "I do have doubts. And questions. For instance, the one we asked last night. Is the desired outcome a generation of Americans with intellectual disability? Because, not only would that take a long time, as you pointed out last night, but it would be unpredictable. Sporadic."

JJ spoke up. "What if they're planning to deliver the live virus a different way? What if they're not trying to hide it in the vaccine?"

"That's part of what I can't figure out," said Reid. "Because the biggest impact Zika has is on the unborn child, right? So they have to be targeting pregnant women. It would require some sort of blood contact, so some sort of needle. But there's nothing injectable that's a normal part of prenatal care. So how would they accomplish it?"

Kimura had a thought. "Now that Zika has been put under a microscope….if you'll excuse a bad pun….we're finding out a lot more about it. Like West Nile, there are a lot of people who have had subclinical infections with it. They never felt very ill, but they've got antibodies, so we know they've been exposed. But we're also finding out that there are _other_ people who've become _quite_ ill with it, including those who've become paralyzed. And some of them have been perfectly healthy individuals before contracting it."

Reid understood the implication. "They could be cultivating a particular strain like that. One that makes the general public very sick."

"Yes."

"Or…" It was Rossi's first time entering the conversation this morning. He'd been taking it all in, and revisiting the history of the case at the same time.

"…or, it could be a continuation of what they've done before. We have a new vaccine coming out, and we think it will be pretty popular. But some percentage of those who get the vaccine will actually end up being infected with Zika, which might make them seriously ill or might cause brain damage to their babies. Once people figure that out, there will be a great hue and cry denouncing the vaccine, and all vaccines in general. Then we'll be back to the original plan from our terrorist friends... to have a largely unvaccinated populace. After that, all they'd have to do would be to introduce some much more common, easily caught, thing...and wipe us out altogether."

His statement was met with a prolonged silence, broken, eventually, by Sid Hirsch.

"I think Agent Rossi is correct. But I also think we need to act as if it's a case of 'all of the above'."

"Agreed," said Hotch. "But our response will be better the more specific it is. We need a way to find out exactly what they're planning, and how they're planning to do it." He addressed his next words to Kimura, "Doctor, are you able to stay to review the video feed from the cameras that were placed last night? Reid and Garcia will work with you."

"Of course."

Garcia heard her name, and took it as permission to speak. "Uh, Sirs? What if they're not getting _ready_ to do something? What if they've already done it?"

They hadn't, after all, had their eyes on PharmVac for very long.

There ensued another exchange of glances, after which Kimura spoke up. "I can get the FDA to put a hold on the West Nile vaccine. It's much easier to simply 'not release' a new product than it is to recall one that's already been out there. Especially if you're trying to do it under the radar."

"Okay," said Morgan. "So that spares us the worry about whether the virus is in the vaccine. But what if they're trying to infect people another way?"

"That's why we need to get back in there," said Reid, echoing his words of last night. "Kimura can look at the choreography of the lab, but it won't necessarily tell her what the specifics are. We need to get in there again, after we've watched them in action."

"By 'we'," asked JJ, "do you mean 'you'?" Even without having heard the details of the prior evening's adventure, she had a feeling.

 _Don't I always, where Spence is concerned?_

"Yes," he admitted. "And….if she's up for it….Dr. Kimura."

"But...won't they recognize her?" Kate remembered hearing Kimura say she'd met the head of the lab.

The physician was quick to assure her. "Dr. Barry is at an emergently-convened meeting on Zika, being held in Atlanta. I would normally have been there as well, but this took precedence. Anyway, I don't think I'm acquainted with anyone else from either lab. No one will know me."

Morgan still didn't like the idea. "Kid, we got out of there last night, but just barely. You even admitted we probably burned our bridges. You can't go back in."

 _Now I know why I had that feeling_ , thought JJ. _Because there was obviously trouble, and the man I love wants to jump right back into it._

Reid argued his point. "I can't go in when the night security team is there. But what's to keep me from being there during the day shift?"

 _Oh, Lord._


	62. Chapter 62

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 62**

Reid and Kimura finished up going over the details with Hotch and Sid Hirsch. They would gain entrance to PharmVac, and to the virology labs in particular, under the premise of representing the FDA as it prepared to finalize approval of the West Nile vaccine. They knew it was likely that no contamination activities would take place with the FDA on site, but that wasn't problematic. Kimura had already looked at some of the choreography. What she really needed to see now, were the materials they were using.

"I have a good relationship with the director of the agency. If they try to check us out, he'll make sure any FDA inquiries go through him," assured Kimura.

"Good." Hotch turned his heavy, furrowed brow to his resident genius. "Reid, are you sure you need to do this? Garcia's been monitoring communications at PharmVac. It's apparent they've figured out that you and Morgan weren't actually part of the cleaning crew."

The younger man had already prepared his response. "It was only the night security team who saw us. The labs were empty when we were in them. All we have to do is go into the two labs, make some observations, maybe get a sample if we can, and leave. The night crew won't be there at all."

Three sets of eyes had widened in the middle of his statement. Hirsch spoke for the rest of them.

"What do you mean, 'maybe get a sample'? When did we discuss this?"

More familiar with the workings of the powerful young mind, Hotch merely asked for an explanation, which Reid readily provided.

"It's unlikely we're going to find anything labeled 'Zika Virus' inside the West Nile lab. But we might find something with a more benign label, or a duplicate of something that shouldn't have one. Just something that doesn't belong. If I can get it out of the labe, we'll be able to test it to know if it contains Zika."

The other three exchanged glances. What Reid described made sense. But it was also risky. As was the very fact of sending the young man back into PharmVac.

Hotch spent a few minutes in silent consideration, then looked to Sid Hirsch. The DHS agent responded with a slight nod.

"All right," a sigh infused the BAU chief's voice. "It makes sense. But I want you to promise me that you'll only try to procure a vial if you're confident you can do it without being detected."

Reid was already nodding. "Of course."

Hotch tried very hard to let his eyes roll only in his imagination.

 _Of course._

* * *

Kimura had been silent for much of the meeting, once they'd laid out their plan. But she was far less reticent to speak as she rode the elevator alone with Reid.

"Agent Hotchner is right, Spencer. What you propose is risky."

"I know. But I'm pretty good with my sleight of hand. Have I ever shown you any of my magic tricks?"

She smiled. "I believe I've heard about them. But no, I've never had the good fortune to see you perform magic."

"Oh! Well, maybe I can show you sometime." Thinking a bit more. "Maybe we can have you over for dinner."

Henry always served as an enthusiastic audience for Reid's magic tricks. Having the little boy there would make it more enjoyable.

"That would be very nice. I'd like to have dinner with you and Stephanie," she said as they exited the elevator and walked toward the lobby of the building.

Reid stopped mid-stride, realizing. "Uh…. It's not Stephanie."

Kimura blushed, afraid she made a faux pas. "It's not? I'm sorry."

Reid's mind ran full speed. It was still so new, and they hadn't told anyone else. But Kimura had seen them through one of their most difficult….and most intimate…times.

 _She deserves to know. And I need to celebrate!_ So he decided.

"Not to worry. We're still good friends. But no, it's not Stephanie. It's JJ."

Reid watched as a look of surprise crossed his companion's face, followed rapidly by one of recognition, and, then, cautious approval. Cautious, because Kimura didn't know about the pending divorce. But approval, because she did know the couple involved, and had long ago seen what was between them. She trusted that they were doing the right thing.

"You and JJ. But…"

Reid hurried to explain. "She and Will have been struggling for a long time. You saw some of it last fall, no doubt. It never got better. So they're separated now, and planning to divorce."

Kimura raised and lowered her head in a slow nod.

"And you…"

"And I…and JJ, too….we've always loved each other. I told you that, when she was so sick. It's just….now it's different."

"You didn't love each other 'that way'." Clarifying.

Indecision played over his face. "Well….no, not really. Or….maybe.. I don't know. If I'm honest with myself, it was probably always there. I just couldn't allow myself to think about it because….well, because there was Will."

Kimura nodded her understanding once again. "And now, there is not."

"Exactly. And….I don't know. I never thought I could even consider another relationship, not after losing Maeve. She was it for me. I was convinced. But then…."

"Then there was Stephanie?"

Part of Linda Kimura was amused at the fact that the genius profiler had chosen to discuss his love life with her. But she was also greatly touched. They'd become acquainted in the midst of several crises, each of which turned deeply personal to Reid. It had created a degree of intimacy in what might otherwise have been a purely professional relationship.

"Yes. And no. Steph was… she _is_ … great. But I wasn't in love with her. Not like I was with Maeve. And not like I am with JJ. I think Steph was just the person in my life who made sense, once I realized that my life actually _wasn't_ over. That I could go on without Maeve. That I _did_ have a purpose."

"Which was?"

"Well, you were there. It was to save JJ. To save her life. What if I'd given in to my depression, and hadn't been there? What would have happened to her?"

Kimura's response was quick. She'd asked herself that question a thousand times.

"I can tell you that, without a doubt, she would have died. I'd done everything I could think of, and she still hadn't responded."

There was something in the physician's voice that told Reid how upsetting she'd found the whole thing. He'd been so caught up in his own distress, and in his determination to help JJ, that he'd not given any thought to how difficult the situation must have been for Kimura. Maybe it wasn't too late to acknowledge it now.

"You _did_ that one thing more. You took a chance. And it worked. It wouldn't have mattered that I was there, if you hadn't made the whole thing happen. Thank you for that."

She smiled. "Thank you for saying that. It's never easy to lose a patient. But to lose a young, healthy woman who is also a mother…. that's the kind of defeat that makes us question whether we're doing any good at all."

Her comment made Reid stop in his tracks once again.

"Is that why you're doing _this_? Is that why you agreed to go with me into the lab?"

She blushed again. "Spencer, people in my profession are supposed to help people. We're supposed to _fight_ the things threaten them. We're not supposed to be the ones making them ill. I want to go into the lab with you, because I want to find a way to stop people who have somehow managed to turn into parasites."

It was his turn to nod. She'd pretty much described his own profession, as well.

"I get that. And I'm glad I'll have your eyes on things. I've read up on vaccine development and procedures, and I think I understand what the process looks like, but it's still pretty new for me. I'll need your help in there."

"You'll have it. But, please, Spencer, remember what Agent Hotchner said. You'll take the vial only if it's completely safe to do so. And you'll need to handle it with care. I don't want to risk you becoming infected with Zika, even if it i _s_ usually asymptomatic. According to your team's profile, they've probably found a way to cultivate the more virulent strains."

He was silent for a moment. Then, decision made, he told her.

"Too late for that, I'm afraid."

"What? Too late for what?"

He looked uncomfortable, but he needed to tell someone, just in case. And who better than Kimura?

"Too late to avoid infection. Maybe. Do you remember hearing us tell how Morgan created the ruse when we were inside last night? He pushed a rack of test tubes to the floor, and we pretended that I was clumsy enough to have done it. Which I am, but….well."

"And?" As far as Kimura understood, the test tubes had been clean, and empty.

"And…well. You said we'd run a greater risk if we had a cut or something, right?"

Now she got it. "You cut yourself on the test tubes."

"I didn't realize it until after I got home. It cut me right through my pant leg, and then Morgan drenched me in water from the bucket we'd been using to clean the lab. It was a new bucket of clean water, but.."

"But it wasn't sterilized."

"No."

She thought about it for a minute.

"It's too soon for symptoms. I suppose I could draw an 'acute' titer, and we can compare it, if you become ill. But that will only tell us if it's Zika. It won't tell us if they've altered the strain. And...Spencer, if you get it...I don't have anything to treat you with"

All he could do was to shrug. "Maybe I won't get it. Or maybe, if I get it, it will be that mild variety."

Kimura just shook her head and sighed.

"Not with your luck."

* * *

Spencer Reid's favorite blonde met him at the door, a big smile on the lips he'd been dreaming about all the way over. Just as Reid leaned in to claim them, his second favorite blonde intervened.

"Hi, Uncle Spence!"

Henry had managed to squiggle in between them.

Reid gave JJ his deflated schoolboy look, which made her laugh. Then he reached down and lifted his godson.

"Hi, Henry! Oomph! What have you been eating? I think you've gotten bigger, just in the last two weeks!"

He made a show of having to quickly put the youngster down.

Henry puffed up. "Daddy said I could order what the grown-ups eat, but they didn't have chicken fingers."

It felt like a non-sequitur until Reid's brain translated the child-speak.

"You went out to eat with your dad, and he said you could order from the adult menu?"

"Mm-hmm. But they only had yucky food, so I got chicken fingers."

"Oh. Okay. Well, I hope your mom cooked up some food that isn't yucky. I'm starved."

Looking again to JJ.

"I think you're safe. It's your favorite."

"Apricot chicken?"

When she nodded, Henry exclaimed, "Yuck", at the same time that Reid reacted, "Yum!"

Godfather looked at godson.

"Henry, your mom's apricot chicken is delicious. It's _almost_ as good as your grandmother's."

The elder blonde's eyes bugged out. "Just for that, I should make you eat what Henry's eating."

"Don't tell me. It's…"

The LaMontagnes spoke in unison. "Chicken fingers."

Reid saw it as a logic issue, and decided one could never be too young to learn logic.

"Henry, it's the same food. Your mom's just has a sauce on it. A _delicious_ sauce at that."

JJ laughed at the blatant attempt to get back into her good graces. And at the look on Henry's face. Her son was having none of his godfather's lesson in logic.

"Sauce is yucky, Uncle Spence!" Said the boy who still ate his pasta with butter.

"But Henry, you dip your chicken fingers in ketchup. What do you think that is?"

Henry made a face at the ignorance of his godfather. "It's ketchup!"

JJ laughed again, this time at the look on Reid's face.

"Get used to it. You have just been taught a lesson in 'six-year-old'."

Reid followed her to the kitchen, scratching his head. "I guess."

Henry took advantage of the adults keeping each other company, and diverted to the living room, allured by the promise of cartoons until dinner. Which left Reid and JJ in the kitchen, alone for the first time in several days.

JJ had barely turned around when she found herself caught up in Reid's arms. He held her slightly away from him, his hands clasped loosely at the small of her back, the better to look at her.

"I've missed you."

She smiled, bringing her arms up behind his neck.

"You just saw me this morning."

"Ah, but I didn't get to do _this_ , this morning."

Letting go of her waist, he raised his hands to her face, caressing her cheeks before holding them in his palms. JJ's lips anticipated his, but he took his time. Reid ran his eyes over every millimeter of the most precious treasure he held, taking it in, taking in the fact that he was holding the woman he loved, and who loved him in return. When he'd satisfied the need of his mighty brain, he let his lips do what they demanded to do.

A large part of JJ wanted to squirm under the intensity of his gaze. But she knew him too well, and realized what he was doing. He wasn't scrutinizing her. He was memorizing her, memorizing the moment, memorizing their love.

 _Memorializing it. Making sure it's real. Making sure it lasts._

And so, she joined him. She took in his eyes, his nose, the cleft in his chin, his too-perfect-to-be-real lips, and the hair that was always just messy enough to testify that it _was_ real. And she lifted her face to his.

They broke it off just short of breathless, because 'breathless' wouldn't accommodate well to sharing dinner with a six-year-old and his chicken fingers. But Reid had an idea.

"I know you know this. But I live alone. All by myself. No one else there. It's nice, and quiet, and…"

"Private." JJ understood. "Maybe I can ask Mom to babysit one night. Henry loves it when she sleeps over, anyway."

"I like the way you think."

She grinned at him as she called out to Henry.

"Dinner time! Wash up, little man!"

Once he'd completed his three-second-long ablutions, Henry joined them at the table. While JJ and her son chatted about his day at school, Reid took in the tableau before him. He'd been to dinner at JJ's countless times before, and had even had a meal alone with her and Henry before. But that had been then, and this was now.

 _This is what my life looks like. Having dinner together with the two people I love most in the world. And lunch. And breakfast. A family. It's what my life can look like forever._

He realized he was getting ahead of himself. They'd only just come to this point in their lives, where they could entertain the idea of a future together, and not just a future that held the other in some distant place or circumstance. _That_ was the great difference.

 _It's not that I love her more. That would have been impossible. No, I don't love her more. I love her as deeply as I ever have and….. and now, I can be with her. Forever. However long that is. Partners. Going through life together. Never on the outside, looking in. Never lonely….._

"Uncle Spence!"

The volume of Henry's voice alerted Reid that he'd probably been calling his godfather for a while. Which made Reid wonder exactly how long he'd been lost in reverie. He flashed a look at JJ, who smiled back, as she explained to her son.

"It's all right, Henry. You don't have to yell. Uncle Spence is sitting right there. He was just daydreaming for a minute." Turning to Reid. "Right, Spence?"

Daydreaming. Today dreaming. Tomorrow dreaming.

"RIght. Sorry, Henry, what were you saying?"

"I said I got a Million Falcon Lego from Dad. Wanna help me make it?"

Reid couldn't help himself. "It's Millennium Falcon, Henry. And I would love.."

Interrupted by the pain in his shin, which had just taken the point of JJ's shoe.

"Uh.."

"Young man, you're taking your final exams this week. Don't you think it would be better to spend your time studying?"

Deflated, Henry gave in. "All right. But can you come over again on Friday, Uncle Spence? We can make it then. That's the last day of school!"

Still nursing a sore shin, Reid thought to look at JJ first. He was pleased to see her smiling.

"Friday it is."

* * *

"Wow, he's really growing up, isn't he?"

They'd just put Henry to bed, but the little guy had turned the tables on them. He'd invited them to flank him on the mattress as _he_ read a story to _them_. More specifically, he'd read a _chapter_ of a story to them.

Reid couldn't help himself. "That's my godson, reading chapter books in first grade!"

JJ smiled at him as she settled on the sofa. "I'd like a little credit for that, if you don't mind."

"I'll give you _all_ the credit. He's not exactly carrying my genes."

Reid took the seat beside her, and raised his arm in invitation. Which she accepted.

"He may not be carrying your genes, but you've had more than your share of influence on him, Spence. He talks about you all the time, especially to his friends. It's always 'Uncle Spence says this' or 'Uncle Spence says that'."

He looked down at her, now settled against his chest. "Really?"

"Really."

"Cool," he said, as he pulled her up toward him. His lips found hers once again, and they kissed. He took his time, reveling in the fact that he had time to take. He kissed her lips, and her eyes, and her nose. The he turned his attention to her neck, and even her ears.

JJ's eyes were heavy-lidded by the time he stopped.

"Spence…."

"I love you. Every part of you. Everything about you. Do you know that I remember everything you've ever said to me? I remember all of it. And I remember every single thing that made me love you. Every single thing that made me fall _in_ love with you."

Lids no longer at half-mast. "Everything? You remember everything? Because I've told you some things I'm not very proud of."

"Doesn't matter. I love you. And I love that you trusted me enough to tell me. Don't try to talk me out of it now, Jennifer Jareau."

She smiled, though still embarrassed.

"Never! I love you, Spencer Reid. Every single brain cell and every IQ point. But, more than anything, I love this thing, right here." Patting her hand over his chest. "You have as big a heart as anyone I've ever met. And, even if he doesn't have your genes, I have prayed, over and over again, that Henry will grow up to have your heart."

He squeezed her close. "I would be honored if Henry took after me in any way." Which reminded him of the child's father.

"So…Will was good?"

She took her time responding. "I don't know that 'good' is a word I'd use. But I think I got him to see that he'd been trying to hold on to a version of me that doesn't exist. It never has, really. He thought he was in love with me, but the truth was that he was really in love with someone he hoped I would become. And then, when I didn't, he became resentful of it."

" _That's_ what it was? I mean, I knew it was none of my business, but I could see that he wasn't happy. I just always thought _I_ was the cause of it."

JJ leaned heavily against him. "I've had to dig really deep here, Spence. I actually spent a full hour last night, just talking to myself in the mirror. Don't tell Hotch, or he'll ground me."

He chuckled, as he knew she'd meant for him to do. But he also pulled her closer.

"Tell me."

She did. "I don't think I was ever really in love with Will. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I think that's what got our relationship started in the first place. And then...then I just let it cruise along, not really paying attention to whether or not it was healthy. And yet, if I'm honest with myself...and let me tell you, staring at yourself in a mirror makes it impossible to be anything but... some part of me knew it wasn't real. That it wasn't something deep enough to take root. I think that's why I turned him down so many times. Until _that_ day. Oh, my God, I wish I'd been in better control on that day. I can't even say how much I regret it, because it wasn't honest. All it was, was a momentary impulse. I was so relieved that we'd all survived that ordeal, and I needed to express my gratitude in a way that felt substantial. That's why I asked him to ask me again."

"And Rossi overheard you."

They'd never talked about this. It had all happened so fast. It would have been too volatile a subject, once it was over. And before…. once it was set into motion, it took on the nature of a juggernaut, an unstoppable force. Rossi had overheard the proposal and, in what he'd meant as a magnanimous gesture, made sure that it happened.

He felt her head move up and down, as she nodded against him. Then he asked about something he'd always wondered.

"If Rossi hadn't arranged it all, would you have married him?"

He felt her heave a great sigh.

"That was a lot of my conversation with the mirror."

"What did you conclude?"

"That I don't know. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not all that good at admitting mistakes. So, once I'd made Will ask me, it would have been hard not to go through with it. But I _was_ thinking about it. I thought I had more time, but then…"

"Then, Rossi invited you to a party at his mansion, and it turned out to be your wedding."

"And Mom was there, and she had her dress for me to wear, and…. I don't know. That's one of my faults, I guess, Spence. I don't like to rock the boat."

He'd seen that play out plenty of times. But he'd also seen her break through it.

"Boat rocking is overrated, believe me. Hotch will testify."

She laughed, but then sat up and looked at him, completely serious.

"Are you planning to rock the boat tomorrow?"

Only Hotch, Hirsch and Kimura had heard about his plan to take one of the vials from the lab. Deciding not to concern her unnecessarily, Reid shook his head. Technically, the move was now a part of the plan. No boat-rocking involved.

"We'll just go in there, do what we need to do, find out what we need to find out, and be gone. We're going in the morning, so there's no concern that the night security team will recognize me."

"Please be right about that."

"I am. I'm sure of it."

He bent his lips to hers once again, and lost himself there, for a good long while. Both of them were surprised when they looked at the clock.

"I'd better be going. I'm meeting Kimura for coffee, and to go over everything."

"Please be careful, Spence. I don't want either of you to get hurt."

"I will. Besides, I'll be with Kimura. What can go wrong?"

She gave him a look. "Do you want a list?"

He laughed. "No. I want a promise that you'll ask your mother to babysit. Will you?"

"If I ask her to come over tomorrow night, will you promise to make it out of PharmVac in one piece?"

"Well, when you put it like that..."


	63. Chapter 63

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 63**

Derek Morgan was unusually quiet, sitting next to JJ in the SUV.

The team's belief that DTA had established a significant presence in the community surrounding PharmVac had forced the pair of profilers to situate themselves in a strip mall parking lot, just a little more distance away from the business than felt comfortable, should they be needed for back-up to Reid and Kimura. But it couldn't be helped. They would have drawn too much attention to themselves, if they'd sat in a parked car on a public road for any length of time.

She knew they were both worried about their friends, despite Reid's assurances that nothing would go wrong. JJ trusted the man she loved implicitly, but she also knew he had a reputation…..well-earned…..as a trouble magnet. And he had Kimura, a non-agent, with him. If there was trouble, it would be up to Reid to get them out of it.

She began to run scenarios, and tried to visualize how each of them might turn out. Noticing the resultant furrow of her brow, Morgan misread its cause.

"You doing okay, Blondie? I mean…well, it's none of my business, but….you know, if you want to talk about it….I'm here."

She looked over at her companion, momentarily confused. Then she remembered.

 _He's talking about the disintegration of my marriage. Or the dissolution of it, I suppose. 'Disintegration' implies it was 'integrated' in the first place._

"I'm okay. Just getting used to the new normal, I guess, but Henry and I are making progress."

"The little guy's doing okay?" Morgan had become rather fond of the youngest LaMontagne over the past few years.

Her nod held some residual uncertainty. "Mostly. He's a little more clingy sometimes, like he needs me a little more." She remembered events a few hours ago, and added, "Especially in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he can't get a drink of water by himself."

Morgan understood, and empathized with Henry. He'd been a little bit older, and he'd lost his father in a completely different way. But he still remembered the ominous feeling of waking in the night, knowing his father, his protector, was no longer nearby. That memory fueled his action in nearly every case that involved parents and their children.

"He just wants to make sure you're still there."

"I know. I guess it just took me by surprise, a little. I'd thought he was used to not having one or both of us around, considering Will's shift schedule and my travel with the team."

"I think it's different, when you know one person is permanently gone."

The quiet reflectiveness of his tone drew JJ's attention, and she realized he was remembering his own boyhood.

"How did you get past it?"

He flashed her a look, and then snorted. "I hit the gym. You think Henry is ready for that?"

She laughed, as he'd intended. But she also understood what he was telling her. The problem wouldn't go away any time soon. She sighed.

"Thank goodness he's already used to being home alone with Mom. At least that feels a little bit normal for him."

Morgan smiled. "You're lucky to have her close by. I guess she considers herself pretty lucky to have a grandson." T

hinking about the many conversations he'd had with his own mother, heavily-laden with dropped hints.

JJ grinned. "If I have ever been in her bad graces….and I never have, mind you….well, maybe a few times in high school and college….but, anyway, all of that was wiped away the day I gave birth to her grandson. Which is what she calls him, by the way. He's not 'my son', he's my mother's grandson."

That brought a chuckle from her companion. "Well, I'm glad she's there for him, and for you. It can't be easy."

JJ was sorely tempted to tell Morgan about the other new development in her life. But it was as much Spence's story to tell, and she knew how close he felt with Morgan. She was sure he would want to be the one to share this particular good news. So she simply responded to Morgan's last statement.

"It's getting there. Which makes me fortunate, because it's still pretty new. But Will and I have talked it through, and I _think_ we have an understanding. That will make it much easier for Henry. For all of us, really."

Morgan reached over and patted her thigh. "That ever changes, I'm on your side. You just let me know."

She smiled her affection at him. She always _had_ been able to see through his tough exterior.

"Thanks."

* * *

Inside PharmVac, Drs. Laura Takata and Elliot Gibson had just been issued their visitors badges, and were being escorted to the labs of Dr. Kevin Barry.

"I'm sorry Dr. Barry's away," said the flustered CFO who was leading them through the hallways. She'd been pulled from a meeting, as the ranking corporate official on site. "If the Administration had given us more notice, we could have told you he would be back on Thursday."

Elliot Gibson handled that one.

"It's current policy to give only one hour notice for this type of inspection. We've been conducting unannounced visits ever since the NECC fiasco back in 2012."

Kimura was familiar with the reference, even though it hadn't come up during the process of planning for the PharmVac mission. She reinforced her partner's words.

"Yes. The New England Compounding Center was operating under less than ideal conditions, which contributed to over 800 cases of fungal meningitis. Since then, the FDA has made spot visits to labs before finalizing any new drug approvals," said Dr. Takata.

"Still," said the CFO, "I wish Dr. Barry was here. He would be better able to answer your questions."

"Actually," said Gibson, "it's better if we speak directly with the laboratory staff. It is, after all, _their_ familiarity and compliance with procedure that really matters."

"Yes," added Takata. "And we'll need to make an inspection of the materials being used, and how they are being handled."

"Right," added Dr. Gibson. "And then we'll need to inspect your manufacturing and shipping procedures."

Correctly reading the CFO's consternation, Takata assured her.

"All of it is just a formality. It's the final step before we can allow you to start shipping quantities of the vaccine. Don't worry."

The CFO tried to look like she wasn't. "Of course. Well, here we are. Dr. Barry runs these two labs, the one on the right is for West Nile, and the one on the left is for Zika."

Reid decided to probe a bit. "That's right, I'd heard he was working on Zika. Is he focusing on testing, or treatment? Or….could it be…is he working on a vaccine?"

The CFO could only shrug. "I'm in the business end of things. That's why I wish you'd come when Dr. Barry was here."

"No worries," said Gibson. "I was just curious. Do you mind if I poke around inside a bit? Flavivirus has always been an interest of mine."

The last thing the CFO was going to do was to deny an FDA official whatever he wanted, when they were this close to vaccine distribution and a resultant hefty increase in corporate income.

"Whatever you like, Dr. Gibson. I'll introduce you, and then bring Dr. Takata into the West Nile lab and introduce her to the staff."

As they entered the Zika lab, Reid was grateful that he'd followed Garcia's unsolicited sartorial advice.

"Dress like you did when you first joined the team. Trust me. You'll be glad."

Apart from a couple of completely threadbare corduroys, he still had all of the clothes in question, and he still fit into them. In truth, he still wore some of them to work, which fact he'd reminded his tech analyst friend.

"Yes, believe me, I know. Just…..make sure you wear them tomorrow. Go for a short-sleeved shirt and a sweater vest, if you can. And that jacket with the….the elbow 'things'. And slick back your hair. And wear your glasses. Leave the contacts home."

"Why…."

"Trust me, just do it. You'll be glad you did."

He hadn't been so glad when he'd met Kimura for coffee, and seen her try to control the amusement in her features. He'd explained that he was only following orders, and about who had given them. At that point, she'd been unable to keep a laugh from escaping her lips.

"Penelope Garcia gave you advice on how to dress?"

Reid never paid much attention to clothes, not his own, and not those of others. Except, maybe, when JJ wore that blouse that so remarkably brought out the blue in her eyes…..

If Kimura had a point, he'd missed it.

Still, he was retroactively grateful for Garcia's advice, now that he realized that the entire ensemble made him virtually invisible to the staff. After Kimura left with the CFO, Reid found that he was able to move about the Zika lab with ease. He perused a few open notebooks, asked a few pre-determined questions, observed a few procedures. Then he wandered through the lab, picking up and replacing vials, studying their labels…..deftly sliding one of them into the pocket of his jacket.

Nor did anyone seem to pay any attention to him after he'd joined Kimura in the West Nile lab. He followed the same pattern of observation, and questioning and reading of notes, and looking at materials.

Then his eye caught sight of a vial that looked familiar. He forced himself to move past it, so as not to draw attention. It was the same shape and size as the vial he'd pocketed from the Zika lab, but the label was different. More precisely, the _front_ of the label was different. This one carried the name of a common lab reagent. But the _back_ of the label, only visible through the clear glass and the liquid within, was identical to the one he'd taken from the Zika lab. The one that contained a live virus culture.

 _They've put another label over the original one. It's live Zika, here inside the West Nile lab!_

Reid knew he had to get that _particular_ vial into his pocket. So he started making another circuit of the lab, intending to touch a few things along the way, making it less obvious when he was touching the vial in question.

 _Except to the person who is working for DTA. They've probably got their eyes on me. They've almost certainly got their eyes on the vial._

Which would make palming it tricky. He was confident he could get it into his pocket. But he was far less confident that he could get it out of the lab without incident.

 _Except, they won't want to show themselves. They may notice that it's disappeared, but they won't know where it's gone. And, even if they become suspicious, they're hardly in a position to point out that one of their altered vials has been stolen._

So he proceeded with his plan, hoping that he and Kimura could manage to exit the building without their perpetrator sounding an alarm. He trusted that most of the people who worked for the company were innocents, working for the common good.

 _But it only takes one bad guy with a gun._

He'd been advised not to try to bring his weapon into PharmVac, because of uncertainty about what kind of security screen they might be put through. So he'd left it behind, inside the center console of the SUV.

 _Just as well. I don't want to take a chance with gunfire. Not with so many civilians around. Especially Kimura._

Reid managed to pocket the second vial, and continued his sojourn through the lab, eschewing any unnatural eye contact with Kimura. Once he'd finished, he joined her, where she was engaged in conversation with a tech.

"All set?" he asked.

"Just a minute, Dr. Gibson. Mariano was just telling me about some exciting news. It seems Dr. Barry has concluded that they should be able to use a very similar technique to develop a vaccine against Zika virus as they've used to create the one for West Nile."

Gibson's eyes widened. "Really? That's wonderful news! That should accelerate you to human trials very quickly, shouldn't it?"

Mariano appreciated the scientist's enthusiasm.

"That's what we're hoping. Dr. Barry is presenting his idea at a national meeting in Atlanta this week."

Dr. Takata nodded. "Yes, I saw that he was on the agenda. I hope he's given good feedback."

Gibson agreed. "Ah, yes, the Zika meeting. I wonder if they'll be discussing the more virulent strains of Zika. It seems to mutate much faster than West Nile, doesn't it? That would make vaccine development more challenging, wouldn't it? Do you know if Dr. Barry has encountered one of those more dangerous strains here in his lab?"

 _And is anyone here trying to use it to cause harm to the American public?_

Reid watched Mariano for a 'tell', while Kimura scanned the reactions of others within ear shot. Nothing.

The lab tech wasn't sure. "I mostly work on West Nile. I only know about the similarity in vaccine development because Dr. Barry was so excited about it. He told pretty much everyone."

Kimura smiled, familiar with that kind of reaction to a breakthrough.

"Well, for all of our sakes, I hope he's successful. Now, if you could point us in the direction of manufacturing? We'll need to inspect the process. And then we'll need to go to shipping, afterward. We need to observe how the vials are handled in the process of sending them out."

* * *

It wasn't quite as simple as pointing them in a direction. PharmVac didn't want them wandering the building alone, so the same CFO came and collected them from the lab, and escorted them to the area where the vaccine was actually manufactured and prepared for shipping. All three of them donned gowns and paper boots before walking through.

It seemed the process was largely accomplished by machines, but overseen by humans. Reid tried to look for points in the process where the inventory might be contaminated, but it looked like most of the human contact was with the machines, and not directly with the product. It was unlikely that the contamination was happening here.

 _So, it's either got to be in the raw materials stage, or in the process of shipping._

Which was why he needed to find a way to use his sleight of hand one more time, to procure one more vial.

He could tell by her body language that Kimura had reached the same conclusion. Both of them were now eager to move on, but the CFO was determined that they should see every step of the manufacturing process, which took the better part of an hour.

Finally, they were through, and they left their gowns and booties behind as the CFO escorted them toward the loading dock. Reid became alarmed when he realized it was located right next to the security office, but then he reminded himself that it was only the night crew who had seen him. It would be hours before they would return.

He refocused his mind on the task ahead. Anticipating this part of their mission, Kimura had provided Reid with a standard-sized vaccine vial, filled with sterile water. They hadn't been able to alter the label, since they hadn't known what the PharmVac label looked like, but if he exchanged it with a vial from an internal row within the box, no one would be able to see the label anyway. This exchange would be much trickier than the first two, because he had to accomplish both the removal of one vial, and the placement of the other, all without being seen.

They were still walking down the hallway, and Reid was mentally rehearsing the task before him, when he heard something alarmingly familiar. The voice of Robert Curcio, the security chief from the night crew, spilled out into the hallway, coming from somewhere inside the security office.

"Yeah, I thought those guys were a little hinky. Good thing we caught up with them before they could do more damage."

He seemed to be talking to someone else in the office, and Reid realized he'd probably been called in early to give some kind of report.

There was no way to alert Kimura, so Reid could only hope she would figure it out. Only a few yards from the door marked 'Shipping', he accelerated rapidly past his companions and into the office.

"What's got him in such a hurry?" He heard the CFO pose the question to Takata.

Before she could respond, the two women had reached the same doorway. Reid made a show of standing behind it, as he held it open and waved them in.

"Allow me." Gallantry as strategy.

As Kimura walked by him he mouthed the word 'security', and was relieved to see her react, however subtly.

 _Good, she understands. At least we've got that._

Reid tried to keep his back to the window that separated the front part of the office from the hallway, as the CFO started to lead them deeper inside. He could still hear the sound of Curcio's voice, even though he could no longer make out the words.

Finally, they were out of sight range and Reid could relax. As they drew nearer to the loading dock, he saw cartons marked with their contents and already carrying shipping labels. The CFO wasn't very familiar with this part of the process either, so she had to ask a dock worker to help her find the West Nile packages.

"Oh, right, here they are. As you can see they're ready to go, pending your approval."

Dr. Takata spoke up. "The final clearance won't be up to us, I'm afraid. We'll just be submitting our report. But, so far, I think it will be very positive."

"Oh, thank you! The board will be so pleased!" The CFO was already wondering if she could somehow take credit.

Dr. Gibson remarked, "Not to mention all the lives that will be impacted."

Only slightly chastened, the CFO was quick to agree. "Oh, yes, definitely. The lives."

Reid made eye contact with Kimura, directing her to pull the CFO's attention away from where they were standing. On cue, Kimura brought the CFO out toward the actual loading platform.

"Can you show me exactly how the containers will be packed? What about temperature control?"

Once again, the CFO had to ask for help, which effectively distracted the loading dock supervisor. Reid took advantage of the situation.

Each package awaiting shipment was boxed in cardboard that protected four sides and the bottom. The top was a tightly sealed double layer of plastic wrap. In order to switch out the vaccine vial, he would have to pierce the plastic wrapping of one of the packages. Using the edge of his car key, and with the replacement vial already hidden in his palm. he poked a hole in the wrapping, covering the popping sound with a cough. He quickly grabbed a 'West Nile' vial, and replaced it, just as quickly, with the sterile water.

He and Kimura had already discussed this part of the operation. If they were to have any hope of accomplishing their mission without PharmVac ever becoming aware, they couldn't leave behind anything that might throw suspicion on them. Which meant they couldn't leave a previously intact box of vaccines in an obviously disturbed state. Unless….

"Uh, excuse me?" Dr. Gibson called out to the two women and the supervisor. "I think there may be a problem."

As they joined him, he pointed out the tampered package.

"The seal seems to be broken on this package. I'm afraid these vaccines will have to be discarded as possibly contaminated. And I also need to ask you...has anything like this ever happened before?"

Effectively putting the PharmVac employees on the spot.

 _As Morgan always says, the best defense is a good offense._

"Oh, no, of course not, I can assure you! We'll look into this right away!" exclaimed the CFO, while the supervisor uttered his own denial. The CFO issued a command. "Call security!"

Apparently, the security number was a rapid-dial. Reid and Kimura only had time to exchange a concerned look before they heard the door to the shipping office open, and that familiar voice shouted out.

"Security! State your problem!"

Reid's brain cells fired rapidly, as he ran his eyes around the large space they were in.

 _He won't know Kimura. It won't be a problem for him to speak with her. They don't suspect us, anyway….yet._

Which left himself. Curcio meeting _him_ would be a _big_ problem.

 _I could try to duck behind one of those pallets over there, maybe shout out that I'm feeling sick or something, that I'm going to the men's room. But how long can I hide in a bathroom? I'm the one who 'found' the tampered package. Curcio will definitely want to talk to me. He'll wait me out._

There really was only one choice…..so Reid took it.

Even as he grabbed Kimura's hand, a small part of Reid's mind said, ' _JJ's going to kill me._ ' Adding, after another microsecond, ' _But only if Hotch doesn't get to me first_.'

He pulled Kimura back out toward the open space of the loading dock. Reaching the end of the concrete, Reid let go of her hand, and jumped. Then he turned and put both hands up to help her jump down as well.

"I really wish I'd known we'd be leaving by the back door when I parked the car this morning," he panted, as they both ran for their SUV. PharmVac was huge, and their vehicle was easily over a hundred yards away.

They heard shouting behind them, and more than one set of footsteps. Reid looked quickly over his shoulder. There were three security guards in pursuit, and each of them were armed. But only one hand was reaching for a weapon.

"Faster!" shouted Reid, wishing he'd been training on sprints rather than distance running.

Suddenly, overhead, a shot. Reid heard Kimura gasp, and and couldn't tell if it was from pain or surprise. But she seemed to be keeping up with him. Apparently neither of them had been hit.

"Stop, there! I know who you are! The next one won't be a warning!"

Reid fished the keys from his pocket and shoved them into Kimura's hand.

"Hold these!"

Still running, he grabbed for his phone and punched a single number.

"We're under fire and we're unarmed!"

Several miles away, JJ went white. But she kept her voice calm, even as Morgan started the engine and took off from the parking lot, lights and sirens activate. They didn't care any more if DTA knew they were in the neighborhood. The lives of their colleagues and friends were at stake.

"Spence, where are you?"

He'd started to pant. "Park…ing….lot…fif…ty….yards…"

 _Oh, God, they're fifty yards from the SUV and he won't have a weapon until he gets there!_

Aloud, she asked, "Is Kimura with you?"

"Ye….yes…" Breathing even more heavily. JJ wasn't sure if she heard a wheeze.

"Tell him to hang in there, sweet thing. We're two minutes out."

 _Two minutes!_

"Spence, we're almost there. Keep going, all right? Keep heading toward the SUV…you'll be safe there."

Their vehicles weren't completely bullet proof, but they usually did the job when called upon.

All she could hear was panting, and the sound of footsteps pounding on the pavement. In the distance, there was some sort of shouting, but she couldn't make out the words.

"How close are you now? Spence, are you almost there?"

Holding her breath until she heard him respond. And then frightened at his words.

"The…..they…they've...got it…..got...car...not….not safe."


	64. Chapter 64

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 64**

"We're still a minute out. Reid hasn't been responding for the past fifteen seconds, but his phone is still on."

Morgan had called their superior, as JJ listened intently to her own phone. She'd muted her end of the call, so their voices couldn't be heard at PharmVac. If Reid and Kimura had been taken, they didn't want their captors to realize the phone was still transmitting.

"The Baltimore office has been on alert. They'll be a few minutes behind you."

Hotch's voice, as firm and confident as always, served to reassure both of the agents in the speeding SUV.

"Understood."

Once he closed the call, Morgan could hear what JJ had been listening to. And he understood the fright on her face.

"I remember you from last night. You and your buddy and your 'three stooges' act….guess that would make it more like 'two stooges', wouldn't it?"

Curcio chuckled at his own joke.

"Anyways, you didn't fool me. I checked you guys out with Cleaning Solutions. They never heard of you, and they never sent a second cleaning crew last night. Which means you were nosing around the labs for something. And my gut tells me that 'something' wasn't good. Now tell me what it was."

"Let…us…go! You….have…no right….to ….hold…us!"

Reid had apparently not regained his breath.

The next sound they heard was a dull thud, followed by a forced exhalation of breath. And what sounded like a gasp.

" _That's_ my right, right there. You want my left, too, you stupid geek?"

Another thud, and another grunt, told them he'd given it.

"Stop it! Leave him alone!" Kimura's voice now.

"Don't worry, lady. I'm only going to play with him a little. Glenn, put her in the office and keep an eye on her. Anybody wants to know, she's applying for a job. Mike and I are just gonna bring our other friend to the locker room and soften him up a little bit, until the boss gets here."

The two profilers in the SUV exchanged worried glances, and then JJ became even more frightened when she felt their vehicle begin to decelerate.

"What's happening? Morgan, what are you doing?!"

"They're separating them, JJ. We can't go in all lights and sirens and get both of them out at the same time. Not by ourselves."

"But they're hurting him! He's being beaten!"

"I know, Blondie. I know. But we can't do anything to make it worse."

"How could it be worse? They could kill him! They could kill both of them!"

Morgan pulled over and parked on the side of the road. He turned to his companion, who was more frantic than he would have expected. He physically waved her down.

"Take a breath. Seriously, do it. Keep doing it. That's right."

As she did, he took out his phone to call Hotch again, and gave him the update.

"From what Curcio said, I think there might only be the three of them working for DTA. He made up some cover story for why Kimura would be in the security office, so there are obviously others who aren't with them. They're waiting for 'the boss' to get here."

They could hear their unit chief conferring with Sid Hirsch and Rossi for a few minutes. Then Hotch was ready to give his orders.

"Do you still have audible with Reid?"

Morgan looked to JJ, who'd had the phone glued to her ear the entire time. She nodded. But all she'd heard for the past minute had been the grunts of Curcio and his fellow security guard as they dragged Reid inside.

"Affirmative."

"All right. Keep listening, but don't attempt to enter the building. Baltimore is ten minutes out. They'll serve as backup, when it's time to go in. But Morgan, JJ…. it's been decided that we should wait until this 'boss' arrives. We need to take advantage of the situation to try to work our investigation up the DTA ladder."

"Understood," said an unhappy Morgan.

Hotch may not have known about the new status of their relationship, but he was aware of the closeness between his two youngest profilers. He knew she would be struggling with the order, but he needed to be sure she was on board.

"JJ?"

She closed her eyes in momentary surrender. "Understood." Followed by a return of the 'fight'. "But, Hotch, if we hear….."

"If you hear something that should impact the plan, be in touch with me." Initially stern, his voice then softened, as he reminded her. "JJ, we act as a team." Adding, before closing the call, "I'll have Garcia send you a building diagram, with the security office and the locker room clearly marked."

Once he was off, Morgan turned to JJ again.

"You hear that, sweetness? He knows we have a case to work but he's not going to let anything happen to a member of his team. Even if that member would be willing to take a little abuse for the sake of solving this case."

He waited for her to look at him.

"I _am_ right, JJ. You know Pretty Boy would tell you not to worry your pretty little head about him."

He smiled in expectation when he saw her eyes widen, and laughed when he heard her response.

"If Spence ever says I have a 'pretty little head', he'll have more to worry about than some DTA oaf."

"Ha! Listen, seriously, I love the Kid as much as anybody, you know that. I won't let anything bad happen to him either. But I think our man Curcio is more mean than he is dangerous. You know the type. He's all noise, but he cowtows to his superior. It's his boss we're after. Reid would have our heads if we ran in there after him, and passed up on taking down DTA."

"I know. It's just…it's _Spence_."

"I know. Hang in there. It won't be long."

 _I hope._

* * *

But it _had_ beenlong. At least an hour long.

 _Or maybe a day, or a month._ All JJ knew was that it felt like eternity.

Baltimore had long since arrived and situated themselves where they had sight of a smaller service entrance and exit to the facility, and where they could also see the loading dock, across a vast expanse of parking lot. But they were all still under orders to stand down until the DTA leader showed up.

It had been hardest on the two listening in via Reid's still-activated phone. They'd heard Curcio snap orders to his subordinate, telling him to use plastic ties to secure their captive to a chair. Then the security chief had started throwing questions at him.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Dr. Elliot Gibson. I work for the United States Food and Drug Administration."

As grateful that she'd been at the fact that he was conscious and could speak, JJ had been shaken by the pain evident in his tone.

She'd been shaken even more when she heard the distinct sound of a slap, and another grunt of pain from Reid. She nearly couldn't bear it when the same pattern was repeated, over and over again.

Morgan had taken note of her distress.

"Let me have the phone. I'll take it off speaker. There's no need for both of us to listen to it."

She'd shaken her head, adamant.

"No! I'm not going to abandon him!"

 _If I can't be with him when he needs me most, what am I to him? What am I, period?_

Morgan had just given her a long stare, and slowly nodded his acceptance. Their exchange had brought him back almost ten years, to a cabin in the Georgia woods, and another time that she'd forced herself to witness things that no one should ever have to witness. They'd both come a long way since then, both individually and as friends. He'd always thought her behavior in Georgia had been driven by guilt. Now he recognized it for what it was. A show of solidarity, and love, and caring.

At one point, Curcio had commanded his underling to search their prisoner, and the listeners feared he would find the phone.

"It looked like he was about to take a vial of the vaccine, but we interrupted him in time. But that doesn't mean he didn't take something from the lab."

So the security officer named Mike had patted Reid down, finding the identification badge Garcia had created for him, in the name of Elliot Gibson.

"It looks like he is who he says he is, boss."

Curcio had seemed puzzled. "Why would the FDA send someone to spy on our lab?"

Reid had seen an opportunity, and gone for it, sticking with their original premise. "It's part of the approval procedure. Better than an unannounced visit."

For a moment, Curcio had seemed flummoxed by that. Until Mike's search had yielded more material.

"He's got three little bottles. One of them says Zika, and one of them says West Nile."

At that, Curcio had become incensed, and gone after Reid with three quick blows.

"No one takes anything from this building on my watch. You got that, Gibson?"

Then he'd instructed his associate to put the vials into a locker for safekeeping.

The beating had Reid gasping for breath, but he'd managed to get it out.

"My…job. Get two…or …three…..or…six….vials."

The two listening profilers had tried to focus on his words, and not his difficulty in uttering them. Morgan had quickly raised Garcia on his own phone.

"Get the word out. The vials Reid took will be in locker number 236."

And then, they heard, "Here's his phone."

It agonized her, but JJ ended the call immediately, even as Morgan raised Garcia. They couldn't let Curcio know what they knew. But now they wouldn't have contact with Reid at all.

"Garcia, they've got his phone! Wipe it...we can't let them see his name!"

"'Wipe it', he says. Okay...wiping. Do you want me to leave it on?"

"Can you do that without them knowing?"

"How long have you known me?"

"All right, Baby Girl, do it."

But it had been futile. For the next fifteen minutes, the security guards had made small talk, and Curcio had checked in with Glenn, holding Kimura. But there had been no further utterance from Reid, except the occasional groan whenever Curcio decided to strike him. It seemed the security chief needed some personal amusement to pass the time.

Finally….. _finally_ ….. Baltimore reported that a yellow sports car had just passed through the back entrance, toward the loading area. They gave the tag to Garcia, as requested, and she conferenced both rescue teams in with their superiors.

"Unsurprisingly, it's registered to DTA Realty, Inc. But I've just gone all Reid-like and drawn a radius based on their approximate travel time, and I think we're looking at an office on Connecticut Avenue, in DC."

The rest listened as Hotch issued orders. "Kate, Rossi….."

"On our way," they heard the founding BAU agent say. "You get our boy out of there in one piece, you hear? And Kimura, too."

Baltimore had sent four agents to the BAU's two. It had been decided, by the combined hierarchy of the FBI and DHS, that the six agents would operate on their own. There would be no police backup, no influx of federal agents. Not until or unless it became known that they'd taken down the leadership of DTA.

Hotch knew how unlikely that was. The person arriving to PharmVac would be 'a' leader, but he wouldn't be 'the' leader. This wasn't an occurrence of that kind of importance, not on the surface of it. And Robert Curcio certainly didn't have the power to call out the leadership of a home-grown terrorist organization.

He also knew that he was about to have four people he cared about in extreme danger. Three of them were his agents, but the fourth, Linda Kimura, was a civilian. Someone who had dedicated her life to preserving those of others, someone who _hadn't_ taken the same oath the rest of them had. Above all else, they needed to get her out safely.

He knew she wouldn't like it, but it couldn't be helped.

"JJ, I want you to lead the team getting Kimura."

Before she had a chance to launch her inevitable protest, he continued.

"She'll be in the office nearest the loading dock. Get her to safety, and have one of the Baltimore agents stay with her. Then you and the other agent can join Morgan."

It wasn't what her heart was telling her to do, but her brain agreed with Hotch. She knew Linda Kimura on sight, and vice versa. She could get her out, and then help Spence.

 _Spence! We're coming! Please, please, hold on!_

"Understood."

They brought their SUV over to join the one from Baltimore, and made specific plans about how they would approach the building. Then they all started weaving their way through the vehicles of the parking lot, in an attempt to reach the loading dock without being seen.

It took another ten minutes to find the right time to enter. One of the dock workers had announced his departure for lunch, with a second indicating he was going to run a report. The FBI agents boosted themselves as silently as possible up to the concrete platform, and began moving quickly among the pallets loaded with vaccines. As they neared the hallway, Morgan signaled to JJ. He would head right, toward the locker room, and she was to head left, to the security office. She nodded.

Reaching the hallway, JJ mimed to the others that she would scout their location. She held her gun against her far leg, as she walked past, trying to look like a worker intent on accomplishing a task. As she went by, she noticed that the front office of the department was empty, but two of the office doors in the back were ajar. She caught the shadow of movement in one of them, in the rhythm of someone pacing back and forth in front of a window.

She motioned the other two agents into a huddle.

"I think Dr. Kimura is in the back office on the left. I need you two to announce your entrance loudly. Make a commotion. Complain that one of you swiped the other's car in the parking lot. I'll come in behind you, and make my way to the back."

Both agents nodded. Then the first swished past JJ, followed quickly by the other. They left the door propped open, to facilitate JJ's entrance without being noticed.

"That car is three weeks old! You should have been more careful! Hey, Security! Is anybody home?"

"Hey, I said I was sorry. I'll pay for the damages. I just don't want to put in another claim on my insurance."

The first bellowed again. "Security!"

That brought the guard from the back room. He'd closed the door behind him.

"What's all the yelling about?"

The two agents each launched into their version of the story, shouting over one another and becoming more heated with each word. The taller of the two stepped in toward the security guard, effectively cutting off his view of the rest of the office. Seeing her opportunity, JJ walked quickly past the three men and directly to the office where she'd seen the movement. Without hesitation, she opened the door and peered around it. Kimura was secured to a chair, but she looked unharmed…..and greatly relieved. As the physician opened her mouth to speak, JJ put up a hand, stopping her.

"Don't talk," whispered JJ. She went immediately to the desk, hunting for a pair of scissors. The third drawer yielded her quarry, and she made quick work of the plastic ties.

"There are two more agents just outside. They'll take you to safety."

"But they have Spencer! I can't leave now! They…..they were beating him!"

In many ways, JJ owed Linda Kimura her life. It had been Kimura's faith in Reid, and her willingness to put her career on the line, that had allowed him to make his sacrifice for JJ. Despite all that, the blonde profiler had never been more grateful to the physician than just now, when she'd heard the pain in Kimura's voice, her genuine concern for the life of one Spencer Reid.

But she couldn't let Kimura help. She was still, after all, a civilian.

JJ whispered again. "Morgan is leading another team. I'm going to join them. But I need you to stay with the agent, please. Spence would want you to."

Kimura's face belied her uncertainty, but she acquiesced.

"Stay behind me," ordered JJ, as she opened the door of the office and audibly cleared her throat. On signal, the two agents surrounded the single security guard and quickly cuffed his wrists.

"We'll bring him out to the vehicle," said the shorter of them. Then, directing his gaze behind JJ, he added, "Dr. Kimura, I presume?"

His partner chuckled. "You've been waiting to use that line, haven't you?"

JJ was in a hurry to move on. "You're good here?"

"We're good," said the taller agent. "Be careful. We've got a transport van coming for our friend here Hopefully he'll have company. At least one of us will be back, as soon as we pass this guy off."

JJ nodded her thanks, and then flashed what she hoped was a reassuring smile at Kimura.

"I'll make sure Spence knows you're safe. He'll be worried."

Kimura smiled her thanks before leaving with the two agents and their prisoner. JJ followed them long enough to see them exit via the loading dock, and then went in search of the locker room, hoping that her arrival would be superfluous.

 _Please God, let Morgan have him, and let him be okay!_

* * *

Two long corridors away, Morgan and the other two Baltimore agents had crept quietly upon the locker area, where certain employees left their civilian belongings behind, and changed into gear that was designed to protect PharmVac products from human contamination. Currently,the locker room door held a hand-printed sign reading 'No Admittance. Under repairs until 4 PM'.

Morgan put his ear to the door, but it was too thick for him to hear anything but a faint, intermittent rumble, which he assumed was the sound of human voices talking. They would have to enter without being certain of their surroundings. Garcia's building plan had shown them only the locations of the spaces, but not how they were configured within.

His biggest fear was some kind of firefight, with a helpless Reid unable to shield himself. So he secured a promise from each of his companions not to show their weapons unless absolutely necessary. And he made sure he would be first through the door.

Praying for silent hinges, Morgan pushed the door inward….and met resistance. There was no lock, but obviously something had been put behind it to obstruct entrance. With the door moving only a few inches inward, the space wouldn't accommodate his bulk. Not unless he pushed it back, and risked making a tremendous noise. So Morgan continued to hold it ajar, listening for the voices they could now hear more clearly.

"I know who you are, Dr. Reid. You're a person of some reknown in my circles."

The deep, graveled voice of 'the boss'.

Then Curcio spoke up. "Are you saying this guy's famous?"

Disbelief evident in his tone. Reid's absent-minded-geek-professor image had obviously done its job.

"Only with the Company. Dr. Reid was responsible for the havoc we went through last fall. Weren't you, Dr. Reid?"

" _This_ guy?"

"This guy. And now, he's going to tell me why he's turned up at one of my facilities, with false identification. What are you up to, Dr. Reid? And what is your organization up to?"

Reid didn't speak, which seemed to prompt another slap.

"You _will_ tell me what I need to know, Doctor. Mr. Curcio, where is your taser?"

 _Oh, no you don't!_ Morgan signaled to the others, _'We're going in!'_

The gun in his hand told the others that Morgan had changed his mind. Weapons _would_ be necessary. The others drew theirs as well, and one of them counted them down.

On 'one', Morgan put his weight behind his shoulder and quickly pushed the door in. A loud crash told him he'd probably tipped over a trash can just inside. He pushed around the edge of the door and ran forward, into an open space between lockers.

"FBI! Everybody freeze!"

Curcio and the guard named Mike each went for their guns, but the Baltimore agents had them.

"Touch those and you're dead men!" shouted one of the agents. The two security guards backed down.

But 'the boss' was standing next to Reid, taser in hand, and already in contact with the young profiler's neck.

"I am not armed, Agents," he said, coolly. "You will not shoot me."

"You trigger that thing, and you'll find out. Now back away from him!" shouted Morgan.

The boss seemed to be considering his options. Then he spoke once again.

"It seems you have the upper hand, Agent. I may no longer be of use to the Company. But I can give it one last gift. And I can make certain Dr. Reid is no longer of use to you."

And he triggered the taser.

In the same second that Reid's body convulsed, Morgan shot the boss in the shoulder, effectively taking him down. The Baltimore agents had already cuffed the security guards, and now did the same with their boss, as the man loudly protested the brutality of having his injured shoulder manipulated.

Morgan ran to Reid, whose head had fallen forward. He was completely limp. Only the plastic restraints around his arms and wrists were holding him upright. The older man felt frantically for a pulse, and was, thankfully, rewarded. Then he began patting his friend on the cheek, noting, as he did so, that there were no uninjured areas to pat.

"Hey, Kid, wake up. C'mon, wake up now. It's me, it's Morgan. You're safe. It's all over. C'mon, Pretty Boy.."

Reid was still unresponsive, and Morgan became worried that he'd gone into shock. He used a pocket knife to make quick work of the ties, and then found himself holding the full weight of his friend against his chest. He stood and lifted the younger man into his arms. Then, ever so gently, he laid Reid on the floor.

* * *

JJ had come running full tilt when she'd heard the shot. As she entered the locker room, weapon drawn, she saw Morgan kneeling beside the still form of the man she loved.

 _Oh, God, no!_

"Spence! Spence!"

As she ran forward, the professional in her took in the sight of the three prisoners, each firmly secured, and gave her permission to follow her heart.

She lowered herself to the floor, and knelt across from Morgan, feeling for Reid's pulse even as she did so. Relieved, she used her hands to cradle his head.

"What happened to him?!"

"He was tased. He'll be all right. He'll wake up. Just give him a minute."

Morgan hoped he sounded much more confident than he felt. Leaving the Baltimore agents to watch their prisoners, he stepped away and called Garcia.

"Get an ambulance here for Reid. He's been tased, and they beat him up pretty badly. Oh, and have them send a band-aid for the guy who did it to him. Seems he got shot in the arm."

"Oh, my sweet Baby Genius! Will he be all right?"

"We'll know sooner, if you get on the horn to medical, Baby Girl. Tell Hotch we're bringing the task force some presents."

"How is Dr. Kimura?"

Morgan realized he'd forgotten to ask, so he walked back inside.

"JJ! Kimura?"

The female profiler looked up from where she'd been whispering into Reid's ear. Still running her fingers through his hair, she said, "Safe."

As Morgan walked away, still on the phone, JJ bent once more to Reid.

"Did you hear that, Spence? Kimura is safe. She's safe, and you got the vials, and you told us where they are, and we have them. It's all over now. You did what you came here to do. Your job is done. All you have to do now, is wake up. Which you're going to do, because you and I have some business to take care of. We have a whole long life together out there, just waiting for us to get started on it. Okay? Spence?"

She sat back and studied his face for a response. Nothing. So she bent to him again.

"Don't you go anywhere without me, you hear? I love you, Spencer Reid. I want to go through the rest of my life with you, and I know you want it too. Can you just see it? You, and me, and Henry? And who knows...? I love you, Spence. Please wake up. I love you!"

She'd bent so close she could feel his eyelashes against her cheek. And they began to tickle her, when they moved. Immediately, she sat back and there it was.

His eyelids were fluttering. Just a little.


	65. Chapter 65

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 65**

Once the parking lot had been secured, Linda Kimura rushed across it, and to the waiting ambulance.

"JJ!" Calling to the blonde head she saw bent over a stretcher. On the other side, an EMT was placing an IV. It looked like there were already electrodes in position.

JJ whipped around to the sound, and took in the sight of Kimura, obviously unharmed, racing toward her.

 _Oh, thank God!_

She knew the EMTs were capable. She knew Spence was in good hands. But it was the hands running toward him now that had saved his life before. JJ trusted Kimura implicitly.

 _She loves him too, in her own way._

The physician arrived at the stretcher, and very gently peeled JJ away from it.

"Let me take a look at him, all right?"

Swallowing, JJ nodded and stepped back. But she didn't break contact with Reid. She couldn't. She kept a hand on his lower leg.

Kimura took stock of Reid's facial injuries, suppressing a wince as she did so. In her line of work, she usually only saw the 'after', as she cared for patients' injuries. But she was very familiar with the 'before' of Spencer Reid, and could tell, at a glance, how badly he'd been beaten. Then she noticed the burn on his neck and the two tiny indentations within it. She looked immediately to JJ.

"He was tased?!"

The female profiler could only nod. As bad as it had been listening to the ill treatment of the man she loved, it had been so much more devastating to see his body laid out on the floor of the locker room, perfectly still after the electric shock.

"Morgan saw it. He said his body convulsed, and then he was limp. By the time I got there…..it was probably only a few seconds… he was unresponsive. But then he came around, for a minute or so. He's kind of been in and out since."

She knew she should let Kimura do her job without interference. But JJ couldn't help but ask.

"It's a good thing, isn't it? That he's been conscious?"

Kimura heard the other half of the question, even if JJ hadn't verbalized it.

 _And it's not bad that he keeps going out again…is it?_

Without answering either question, Kimura ran her hands gently over Reid's entire body, watching his face for any sign of reaction. Although he didn't appear conscious, he clearly winced when she touched his lower left chest. JJ noticed it too, and expected the physician to halt her examination. Instead, Kimura probed the area again, more deeply this time. Reid continued to wince, and JJ was about to beg Kimura to stop, when the physician spoke.

"His abdomen is soft That's good. But there's crepitus of the two lower left ribs anteriorly. They're broken." Directing her words to the EMTs. "He'll need a chest x-ray when he gets to the hospital. And make sure he gets films of his facial bones, especially the orbits."

Then she examined the tracing on the monitor, reassuringly not alarmed by what she saw. Following that, she brought her head close to Reid's and called out his name as she shook his shoulder.

"Spencer! Spencer!"

No response.

"Spencer! I know you're in there, Spencer! Wake up for me! Open your eyes!"

She knew he had to be light enough to respond, the wincing had told her that. So Kimura decided to try another approach. She caught JJ's eye and indicated they should exchange places. Kimura moved to the foot of the stretcher while JJ went through the same motions.

"Spence! Spence, it's me. It's JJ. Dr. Kimura is here, too. Wake up for me, Spence, please. Just for a minute. Then you can sleep. I promise."

She ran her fingers through his hair as she pleaded with him. It was the only part of his head that she could safely touch.

"C'mon, Spence. You did it before, you can do it again. Show Dr. Kimura that you're in there."

And then she bent her head even closer, and all Kimura could tell was that she was whispering something into Reid's ear.

Whatever she'd said, it did the trick. This time a flutter of eyelids was joined with a very mild, but definite, thrashing of his limbs. Kimura was pleased to see that he was able to move everything symmetrically.

She moved up and spoke over JJ's shoulder.

"That's right, Spencer. JJ is here, and you're going to be fine. We'll be taking you to the hospital now. Just rest, it will be all right. Rest."

She nodded to the EMTs, who loaded Reid into the back of the ambulance. JJ started to climb in with him, and was stopped by an EMT. Until Kimura intervened.

"Let Agent Jareau ride with you. She'll be able to give his medical history."

The two women locked eyes. They both knew that no one was more familiar with Reid's medical history than Linda Kimura. Not even Reid. But the EMTs didn't know that.

JJ squeezed Kimura's arm. "Thank you," she whispered.

* * *

Four hours later, the FBI and DHS had debriefed the other agents on site, and had sufficient control of the scene, to allow Morgan to head to the hospital. He entered a waiting room to find JJ anxiously pacing back and forth.

"Hey, Blondie, how's our boy?"

He stepped close enough for them to exchange a quick embrace, which was when he saw the tear tracks.

"He's all right, isn't he? JJ, you should have called me if…."

"He's stable. That's all they've told me so far. Apparently they feel a need to x-ray every bone in his body. Or it seems that way, anyway. He's been in radiology for three hours."

"And no one's been in to update you? I'll take care of that."

Morgan took a step in the direction of the door, but JJ pulled him back. Even in the midst of her anxiety, she recognized his reaction for what it was.

 _He needs to feel in control. He's so worried about Spence. We both had to listen to him being beaten, and Morgan is over it. He's not about to feel like things are out of his control for a minute more._

JJ's tug turned him around. She smiled at the look on his face, and reached a hand up to hold his cheek.

"I really do love you, you know."

He smiled a confused smile back at her. "Well, I know I'm exceedingly lovable, but….what brought that on?"

"You're so worried about Spence that you're gunning for bear."

"Pretty Boy didn't deserve any of that. And he didn't need to take it, either. He could have told them he was FBI."

It hadn't even occurred to her.

"Do you think they would have stopped?"

"Before Mr. Big got there, they could have. Curcio could have played it like he was just doing his security job. But once they called in a DTA boss…..no. Think about it. He doesn't have anything to do with the vaccine industry. How would they explain his involvement?"

JJ needed a moment to process what Morgan had just told her.

"So Spence held out long enough to have the DTA boss show himself, for the sake of the case."

She hadn't quite thought it through before, she'd been so worried about him.

"That, he did." Seeing her ongoing degree of concern, Morgan tried to make a little joke. "I think he's trying to get me to stop calling him Pretty Boy."

She smiled, as he'd intended. And then they both spun around at the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps. Kimura.

JJ had fully intended to demand an update on Reid's condition the moment any medical personnel arrived. But, now, she found her tongue tied, as she tried to read the look on Kimura's face, and couldn't. The physician was too practiced at being inscrutable.

Morgan's tongue wasn't tied at all.

"How's Reid?"

Kimura looked from one intense gaze to the other, and smiled. Which was all JJ needed to see. The stiffness melted from her spine, and there was nothing to hold her upright anymore. She had to sit.

"Tell me, please, Linda."

"I'm sorry it's been so long. We took films of his ribs and facial bones, which told us that we needed to get CT scans of his head and his abdomen. I'm afraid _that_ process is rather lengthy."

Morgan got right to it. "What did you find?"

Kimura took a seat across from JJ, directing her words at the woman Reid had told her he loved.

"He has the fractures of his ribs, as I found on scene. But they haven't penetrated anything. His spleen is intact, as are his liver and his kidneys. He does have a hairline fracture of his left maxilla, but it's not displaced. There are no other broken bones, and his brain looks fine."

JJ's own brain wasn't working all that well, slowed by worry. She mentally reviewed everything Kimura had just said, and tried to paraphrase.

"So, some small fractures, but nothing big. And no brain damage."

"Exactly."

Morgan wasn't feeling assured yet. "What about the taser? It looked like he had a seizure or something."

Kimura looked up at him. "It wasn't technically a seizure, in that it didn't start in his brain. He wouldn't have responded as rapidly afterward, as JJ reported, if it had been a true seizure. When he was tased, his muscles reacted to the electrical impulse, and contracted out of rhythm, but it didn't affect his brain."

JJ spoke up again, her thoughts coming more quickly. "How can you be…"

Kimura anticipated her question. "We'll do an EEG, to be sure. And we'll watch his heart rhythm overnight. But, his ECG looks fine, right now, and I have no reason to believe that won't continue to be the case."

JJ squinted at her. "Are you saying he can go home tomorrow?"

The physician nodded. "Probably in the afternoon, after the tests are done. He'll probably need a liquid diet for a week or so, because of the fracture of his jaw, but he should be all right."

JJ turned her face away from the other two, feeling the onset of tears, and still too proud to let them see her cry. But the effort was futile. It was too much for her. She'd been through an emotional wringer these past few weeks. Even thought this was technically _good_ news, her reaction exceeded the bounds of her ability to contain it .

It had all accumulated. She'd been burdened with the formal ending of her relationship with Will, even if Henry made it impossible for her to let go completely. And she'd been blessed to know that she could openly love the man she'd long carried in her heart, and who carried her in his. And then, today, even before they'd even begun to live out that love, she'd nearly lost him. And now, just now, thank God, she had him back.

Her usual reserve abandoned her completely. JJ was unaccustomed to public displays of emotion, but there was no holding it back. Not this time. She covered her face with her hands, and wept.

Aware of the relationship between the two youngest profilers on Aaron Hotchner's team, Kimura understood. But Morgan was perplexed….and alarmed. This was, after all, JJ.

He recovered himself enough to reach out to her.

"Hey, Blondie. JJ. What is it? Are _you_ okay?"

He looked helplessly at Kimura, who stood, and smiled knowingly at him.

"Agent Jareau will be fine. She's just...happy."

"Happy?" She didn't look happy.

"She will be. Just give her time."

Kimura laid a hand on each of their shoulders.

"He'll be coming up in a few minutes. Let me get him situated in his room, and then you'll be able to visit him."

Which made Morgan think to ask. "Is he conscious?"

Kimura nodded. "But he's sedated. We didn't want him moving around in the scanner. It will wear off in a few hours."

Another thing occurred to Morgan. "You know not to give him narcotics, right?"

Kimura nodded. "I know. He'll be in some pain, but we'll do our best to keep the swelling down. That will help."

Morgan nodded. "All right." He extended his hand, which Kimura took. "Thank you."

Kimura smiled again. "He's important to me, as well, Agent Morgan."

* * *

After Kimura left, Morgan turned his attention to JJ once again.

"So…. _are_ you okay? You heard Kimura. There's no permanent damage."

Sniffling, even as she nodded. "I know. Thank God."

Morgan cocked his head sideways, studying her as though trying to solve a puzzle.

"And you're…..'happy'." Quoting Kimura.

He stared at her until she looked at him. Seeing that he wasn't having it, JJ gave in.

"All right. Yes, I'm happy. But apparently I'm happier than you expected me to be."

He shrugged. "I know you two are close. It's just….. you don't _cry_." He'd never seen her do it.

Except for that one time. That time he'd caught her weeping on Reid's shoulder, that day in his apartment, after they'd both nearly been killed by hantavirus. Morgan had felt like he'd stumbled upon something intimate, and backed away. In truth, he'd been a little bit jealous, because JJ was known for not letting her hair down with _anyone_. And yet, Reid had been granted the privilege.

With Morgan still staring at her, JJ spent another few seconds considering, and came down on the side of 'why not?'.

 _Spence can still celebrate it with him. And he's been so good to both of us. I want him to know._

JJ motioned Morgan to a chair across from her, and began.

"You're right. Spence and I have been close for years. He's the best friend I've ever had, and I know that will still be true on the day I die."

Morgan could tell there was more coming, so he waited her out.

"He even has a name for it. He told me we're each other's 'anam cara'…friend of the heart, and the soul."

Morgan nodded, feeling that little twinge of jealousy once again. Not that he was jealous of their friendship….he just wished he had something similar in his own life. He had love for Garcia, and she for him. But much of it was subsumed in banter, and that didn't exactly make for deep sharing.

Morgan was happy for his two teammates, because he could see that their relationship made _them_ happy. And, for his money, it had been JJ's friendship that had saved Reid after the death of Maeve. Morgan had seen his 'little brother' foundering, but had not been able to find a way to help. He'd been very, very worried. And he was sure JJ had been responsible for Reid's deciding to hold on.

He smiled at what she'd told him. "'Anam cara'. Leave it to the genius to complicate things by using Latin to tell you you're his best friend."

She chuckled, and then quickly got serious. "Well, we're going to need a new phrase to add to it. I'll have to ask him how to say it in Latin."

"Say what?" Not quite following.

She made sure she had his gaze. "That he's the man I'm in love with."

"The… Really? You are?"

She nodded, grinning at his reaction.

"And is he in lo….nevermind, he'd be stupid not to be. And that's one thing my boy is not, is stupid. So….you're together? Really? You're a couple?"

"A couple who was just nearly separated once again. Honestly, Morgan, it felt like we'd just found each other….. _really_ found each other, I mean…and then, he could have died. But he didn't, and I still have him in my life. We still have a future together. And so…..yes, I'm happy."

He laughed as he stood and beckoned her to do the same. Morgan pulled her into a quick hug.

"I'm happy, too. For both of you. You're two of the best people I know, and you'll be great together."

"Thanks," she said into his shoulder. "We love you, too. And I will be forever grateful that you helped get him out of there tonight."

He released her, still smiling. "Least I could do for my Pretty Boy."


	66. Chapter 66

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 66**

Even if he hadn't just learned the news about his friends, Morgan would have been smart enough to send JJ in to see Reid first. He knew, from experience, that there was no getting between Mother Bear JJ and one she cared about. He'd seen her battle it out with any number of media reps and medical personnel in the past. So, when Kimura returned and announced that Reid was ready for visitors, the senior profiler waved his younger colleague in.

 _Pretty Boy and JJ. Wow. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised. I've known how close they are, even better than most. But….wow. That means he went for it. He told her. Or she told him. But something tells me it was the other way around. Way to go, my man! I'm happy for you._

Remembering that bittersweet moment when Reid had divulged his love for Maeve, and the fact that he'd never told her about it. Despite the words of encouragement he'd offered, Morgan had shared Reid's despair. Most stalker cases didn't end well. He'd known it wasn't likely Reid would get the chance to right that particular wrong. But he'd seen his friend's grief, and instinctively tried to alleviate it.

He remembered that moment because of the sharing, and how privileged he'd felt to be the one shared with. But also because of the pain. And now, in a few minutes, he was prepared to go into Reid's hospital room, and share joy.

Despite the continued uncertainties of the case, despite the fact that his friend had been severely injured, Morgan's lips spread into a satisfied grin.

* * *

The door was ajar, but its angle offered only a limited view into the room. Approaching it, JJ knocked softly and pushed it gently wider. And then had to do everything in her power to suppress a gasp.

She'd already seen the bruises. But in the hours that had passed since his arrival to the hospital, Reid's face had become remarkably swollen. If she hadn't recognized the long spindly fingers at the end of each hand, nor the mop of unruly hair, she would have had no way to know it was him.

He looked up to the sound of her entry, with eyelids so edematous, she had to wonder if he could see.

"Hi." The sound muffled, his lips barely able to move.

She rushed to the bed. "Oh, my God, Spence! Are you in pain?"

Watching him struggle to move his mouth, she thought better of it.

"Never mind. I won't ask you any questions. Don't talk, all right?"

Her eyes ran over him from head to toe. Apart from the visible injuries to his face, all that was noticeable was a bandage around his middle, along with a few tubes and wires. But she could see the pain, and she could hear it in his words. Which he continued to utter, despite her plea.

"M fne," came through the immobile lips. "Jst stff."

JJ picked up his hand and kissed it, front and back. "You're _not_ fine. But you're alive. Thank God, you're alive."

Picturing him once again lying, limp, on the floor of the locker room.

Her own hand went to her mouth, as she tried not to cry. She wanted so badly to caress him, but she couldn't add to his discomfort. His face was off limits because of the beating, and his chest, because of the rib fractures.

So her fingers started a journey around the rest of his body, followed, each time, by her lips. She touched his arms, and his legs, and kissed them. She even kissed the toes of each foot. She ended with the top of his head, where her hand lingered in the strands of his hair.

"I love you," her voice breaking, "And I'm proud of you, even if I wish you hadn't taken such a chance."

All he could do was to show her his upraised palms, to tell her he hadn't really had another choice.

"I know you didn't think you did. But I also know that someone else might have put themselves, and their own safety, first. You didn't. You care too much about what we do, and all the people who get to go on living normal lives, when we do it well. It's one of the so many things I love about you."

 _And the thing I'll find hardest to live with._

He reached out with his free hand, and cupped her cheek.

"Lv ou." Pulling her closer.

JJ leaned into him, and laid her head atop his right shoulder, ever so lightly, so as not to jostle him. Then she closed her eyes, and listened to the distant sound of his heartbeat, and felt the weight of his fingers on her head. As awkward as the position was, it felt like peace, and she thought, _I could stay like this forever._

But 'forever' was short-lived, and they were interrupted by a soft knock on the door. JJ lifted her head in time to catch Morgan trying to rearrange his features. He'd been as shocked by Reid's appearance as she had.

"Hey, Pret…Kid. It's good to see you awake."

JJ sat up and made room for Morgan on Reid's good side.

Reid tried to smile, but it hurt too much to stretch his lips. Talking wasn't much better, but he had something to say.

"Tnk ou."

Morgan shook his outstretched hand, playing down his role in the take down.

"Hey, don't thank me. It was you who forced that DTA don out of hiding. Sid Hirsch has been singing your praises all over the scene."

"Does that mean he's talking?" JJ asked it for both of them.

Morgan's response was tempered.

"Not exactly. But,…" addressing his words to Reid, "…your hanging in there and forcing them to hold you….that's apparently lawyerly gold. Hotch says they can charge them with kidnapping an FBI agent and that will open a lot of doors in terms of search warrants. It's the thing they've needed so they can really dig into DTA. Now they can get into PharmVac as well. And even if the higher ups are savvy enough not to talk, Hirsch is pretty confident they can get some of the low levels to spill."

Reid's face seemed to brighten, even beneath the bruises. JJ's face, unencumbered, reflected both relief and pride.

 _At least it wasn't for nothing._

Just then, Morgan's phone sounded. Looking at the display, he smiled as he opened the call.

"Hello, Baby Girl."

"Is he all right? Is my baby genius all right?"

Reid found he could 'harrumph' very effectively, even without moving his lips. JJ and Morgan exchanged a smile before she spoke into her friend's phone.

"I think Spence is trying to tell you something, Garcia."

"Was that him? Oh, my sweet bab….I mean, my brave Supervisory Special Agent Multi-Doctor Reid! I'm so glad you're okay!" Then, thinking a moment. "Wait…..he _is_ okay, isn't he? Why isn't he talking?"

Morgan took the phone back from JJ. "He'll be just fine, Mama. He's just a little…..tongue-tied…at the moment. What do you have for me?"

"Just that Hotch is on his way. He says you should wait for him."

"What about Rossi and Kate?"

"They're at the DTA office. The warrant just came through, so the task force will be heading there as well. And I've gotten official permission to do what I may have…ahem…. _been_ doing, 'unofficially'."

"Does that mean you're already in their system?"

"I've been in it since we knew that boss guy was from DTA. I just don't have to tiptoe anymore."

"Anything?"

"A treasure trove, my sweet. I think. But it's all in code, or I think it is, anyway. There's a lot that doesn't seem to make any sense, which is what my programs picked up on. See, people think they can hide things by disarming the logic of the computer, but I've taught my babies to look for illogic, if you know what I mean. But _I_ don't know what _it_ means. Just that it's there. I think we're going to need our boy to look at it."

JJ started to respond with, "Pen, I don't think…" But Reid put a hand on her arm.

"Snd e."

Morgan just squinted at him. "What?"

Reid made a motion with his hand, prompting JJ to hunt for a pad and pen. Finding only the pen, she pulled a paper towel from the dispenser and pushed the bed table toward Reid.

He scribbled quickly for a few seconds.

'Send it to me.'

JJ still wasn't convinced. "Spence, your eyes are practically swollen shut."

But he was adamant. So Garcia agreed to download the suspect information from the DTA computer system and transmit it to him via the tablet Morgan had gone to retrieve from his vehicle.

"Tk ou."

"Oh, my sweet, sweet boy. When you can move your mouth again, I'm gonna fill it with chocolate chip cookies, just you wait and see."

JJ replied for him. "He hasn't said anything, Pen, but I think he's smiling. And drooling."

They both heard laughter on the other end of the phone. "As he should be. I am a master baker. Give him a hug for me, will you, Jayje?"

"Gladly."

* * *

Hotch was just a few steps behind Morgan coming back with the tablet. Maybe it was because he'd been briefed, or maybe it was because he was such a skilled profiler, but Hotch's expression didn't change an iota as he took in the appearance of his youngest agent.

"Reid…good work out there. And it's good to see you upright. Morgan filled me in on the details. How are you feeling?"

"Fn."

Which raised the heavy brows in a look of disbelief.

"Fine?"

The battered head moved up and down.

"Right. Well, I think it would be wise to let Dr. Kimura be the judge of that." Hotch wasn't the unit chief for nothing.

"Did I hear my name?"

She'd entered so quietly, only Reid had seen her.

Hotch turned to greet her.

"Dr. Kimura…. I'm sorry for your experience today. I'm very glad you weren't hurt."

She gave her small smile. "As am I. But I wouldn't have been anywhere else. Those people are despicable, and I'm glad for any chance I have to stop them. In fact," she said, as she approached the bedside, "I should thank you, and Spencer, for allowing me to assist."

JJ spoke up. "I think we may need more of your assistance. Spence thinks he's ready to jump back into work, but….well, is that wise, do you think?"

She didn't, as it turned out. Kimura addressed her words directly to Reid.

"I'm afraid that I may have minimized what _did_ happen, in my relief about what didn't, Spencer. You didn't suffer any direct brain damage, and it looks like your heart rhythm is normal. But you do have a fracture of your jaw, and those two ribs. And, most importantly, you almost certainly suffered a concussion. The blows to your face alone would have accomplished that, but the fall to the ground when you were tased makes it a near certainty."

"Fn," her patient insisted. _There's nothing wrong with my brain._

Morgan was curious. "Isn't there a test you can do?"

Kimura shook her head. "Not for someone like Spencer, I'm afraid. Imaging can only look for physical effects of trauma. The diagnosis of concussion is a functional one, looking for things like clouded thinking or losses of memory. But those tests are designed for the general public. Spencer's brain is so high-functioning at baseline that he could pass all of our tests, and still be concussed."

"So," asked Hotch, "that means at least a few days out of work?"

Coaching Jack's soccer team had taught him a thing or two about concussion.

'Unh-uh! Unh-uh!" came from the patient.

Kimura gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Technically, it means resting from both physical activity and from cognitive stimulation of any sort. But," seeing Reid about to protest further, and knowing a lack of stimulation would hurt him more than the concussion, "sometimes we have to made adaptations to the protocol. So, how about this? Rest here tonight, rest at home tomorrow, and I'll see you in my office tomorrow afternoon. Then we can decide what happens next."

"You hear that, Pretty Boy?" said Morgan, waving the tablet. "These nonsense things of Garcia's won't go anywhere. They'll be waiting for you tomorrow, if Dr. Kimura says it's okay."

Reid's eyes traveled back and forth among the four other pairs, finally settling on those of his unit chief, pleading his case.

 _But there's work to do!_

Hotch read him correctly, but knew how to gain his cooperation.

"There's a little less urgency now, or so we think. With permission to officially and openly investigate both DTA and PharmVac, DHS doesn't feel there's a continued need for any covert action on our part. The FDA is going to put a temporary hold on deliveries of all of the suspect vaccines, with a warning about possible contamination. Nothing from PharmVac will make it to the public until our investigation is complete."

JJ had been prepared to do battle with the man she loved, should he resist his own recuperation. So she was relieved to see the tension drain from his shoulders, as he processed Hotch's words.

"See, Spence? There's time, and all because of what you did. For the next thirty-six hours," ( _or the next week, if I have anything to say about it_ ), "all you need to do is rest."

At that, a nurse came in with a pile of cold packs.

"Dr. Kimura….these were what you wanted?"

The physician nodded, and explained.

"We'll use ibuprofen to manage your discomfort, Spencer, but it's not likely to be quite enough. So we'll try to get the swelling down with these, and see if that can minimize the pain. We'll apply them every few hours. You'll feel some tenderness as we lay them, but then it should feel better."

The plan served as a signal to the others, and Hotch and Morgan prepared to leave. But JJ wasn't going anywhere.

"I can sleep in that chair, there. Mom will look after Henry for me."

Hotch took note of the fact that Reid didn't seem to be protesting this particular declaration. So he took advantage of it.

"All right. Reid, JJ will stay with you. She'll keep you apprised of anything crucial to the case, but you are under orders not to actively work on it until Dr. Kimura gives you clearance. Am I heard?"

There was a short delay, but then Reid nodded. "S sr."

Hotch nodded to JJ. "You're in charge."

She smiled. "Yes, sir."

With that, the two senior agents took their leave, followed, shortly afterward, by Kimura and her nurse.

Alone again with Reid, JJ pulled her 'sleeping chair' to his bedside, and sat, stroking his hand.

Reid's face was barely visible beneath the ice packs laid over it. But JJ could see the rest of him, and she read the exhaustion of his body.

 _You need to rest, my hero._

She encouraged him to take advantage of his brief respite from pain. Running her free hand through his hair, as she whispered softly to him.

"You were amazing today, Spence. I don't know if you've processed this yet, but what you did might well have saved thousands of lives. You heard Hotch. The vaccines can't hurt anybody now. You put a stop to it. There's more work to be done, but thanks to you, we have some time now. Which means it's time for _you_ to rest. Try to get some sleep, and I'll be here when you wake." _Tonight, and every night._ "I love you."

She felt him tug on the hand she held, as he pulled her closer. Then he released her and patted the space next to his right shoulder again.

"Here."

JJ smiled, and obeyed. She pulled her chair closer and lowered her head gently to his chest. Once she felt the weight of his hand holding her to him, she closed her eyes, and the two fell into the same rhythm of breathing, in...and out...in...and out... Sharing a single thought.

 _Thank…You….Thank…You…Thank….You….._


	67. Chapter 67

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 67**

He refused to come home with her.

"Look at me. Henry would have nightmares for months."

"He's seen _me_ with bruises. Will, too."

"Not like this."

JJ was about to protest further, to remind him that the swelling had decreased by half in the overnight, that it would be easier for him if he didn't have to climb the stairs to his apartment. But she could see the look of determination in his eye. And she understood where it was coming from, and she respected his decision. He was still in pain, and he wasn't about to let anyone else see him suffering.

 _Except me. You're not getting rid of me, Spencer Reid. If we're going to make a life together, we're going to do it when we're at our best, and when we're at our worst. That's what forged our friendship, and it's going to be what sustains our love._

So she held her ground on that point, and insisted on taking him home. She parked as close to his apartment as she could, to minimize his walking. Kimura had provided him with a rib support, which offered some relief, but he still had pain each time he moved.

JJ insisted on carrying his messenger bag, and the hospital sack with his clothes and other personal effects. As they passed through the small foyer of his building, and approached the stairs, she tried to anticipate how best to help him.

"Is it better if you lean on me, or on the railing, or both?"

His teeth were clenched, alerting her that he was already in substantial pain.

"None of the above. I'm going to try to remain as straight as possible. I think that's the way to go." At least he was able to speak normally today, with the swelling down.

They ascended slowly, Reid bringing his second foot to join the first on each stair. It simply hurt too much to bear weight on only one foot at a time.

"Funny the things you take for granted, isn't it?" JJ tried to get him talking. Inadvertently, she'd hit on something.

"Actually, people don't understand how many parts of the body are involved in climbing the stairs. They think it's all just in the feet, and the legs. But you need substantial core strength, and muscle tone everywhere. And you need your vestibular system to be working, because balance is key during the push-off and lift."

"Really?" she said, noting that he'd managed three steps while he was speaking. "I never realized it was so complex."

"Most people don't."

The short phrase had only gained him one more step, so JJ tried pushing the conversation further.

"I know you remember everything you read….but what, exactly, made you read about _that_?"

"Oh, I read a whole bunch of literature on child development after Henry was born. I was just so fascinated, you know? I mean, here was this brand new human being, and I knew he was going to be in my life forever, and I just wanted to understand about everything that was happening with him."

Three more levels.

She couldn't help but smile to remember how touched he'd been when she'd asked him, and how excited he'd been for every one of Henry's milestones.

"So you learned about climbing stairs because of Henry?"

"Exactly. That's why it takes them longer to learn to climb stairs than to walk. They need to have the body strength, and the balance to stand on only one foot at a time." Another tread. "Unless they want to walk like I am, one slow step at a time."

And, finally, they were on the second floor landing. Now it was only a few short steps to his apartment. JJ walked ahead of him to open the door.

"After you, sir."

Still moving slowly, he made his way past her and into his flat. JJ followed, dropping his messenger bag and clothes onto a table.

"Let's get you comfortable. Do you want to lie down? Sit up? What's best?"

None of the above, apparently. Or so he would have had her believe.

"I think I'm okay now, if you need to get going." Failing in his attempt to make it seem like a casual statement.

She gave him a look. "I'm not 'going' anywhere." S

he moved over to stand directly in front of him, so he wouldn't have to turn to look at her.

"Listen, Spence, I know you're in pain, and I know you don't want to show it to me. But I see it. All right? You can give it up now, because I see it. And I'm not afraid of it. I know you just have to deal with it, I know there are limited options to treat it."

Something was happening in his face, and it drew her toward him. She saw tumult, and fear, and anger, and guilt…..and bewilderment. She stepped close and ran the backs of her fingers over his cheek lightly, a mere whisper of a touch.

"I love you. _You._ Spencer Reid, FBI agent, genius, chess master, solver of riddles…and guy who can't treat his pain, because of something someone did to him. I know it's hard, and I know it's not pretty. But, when you love somebody, you love them _all the time_ , good or bad, pretty or not."

His eyes glistened, and he had to swallow before he could speak.

"But…it might be hard for _you_. I'm not worried about being pretty…" running his hand through his unruly hair, going for a smile. "I just don't want it to hurt you."

"What would hurt me would be not being able to help you. I promise I'll give you space, if you need it. But I want to take care of you, Spence. Please let me. It's what two people do, when they love one another."

Hazel eyes stared at her for a long minute, a battle clearly going on within.

"I do love you. I just…"

"I know. But I'm staying, so get used to the idea. All I need to know is where you'll be the most comfortable."

Sounding just a little impatient now, and he chastised himself for having caused it. But he was pretty sure he knew how to defuse it.

"See, here?" Pointing. "I think my lips are healing faster than everything else, don't you?"

Waiting for her to lose the battle with her smile.

"They're not swollen at all, and I think the pain's all gone." Making his case.

"That's interesting."

"Yes, it is. So, I thought….maybe we could do a little experiment?"

"What did you have in mind?" No attempt to hide the upturning of her lips.

He reciprocated, willfully suppressing a wince with the repositioning of his lips.

"Well, maybe we should do a sensory evaluation. You know, to see what I can feel there."

JJ stepped into him, and on to her toes. It wouldn't do to have him bend, not with his broken ribs. She brushed his lower lip with her thumb.

"Can you feel this?"

"Mm-hmm. Mmmmm…."

She lifted herself higher, and put her lips to his, just lightly.

"Did you feel that?"

"Mmmmmmm…."

She came back down to her heels, smiling.

"I think you're right."

"About what?"

"I think we might need to keep this little experiment going."

* * *

It took quite a bit of doing, but they managed to get him stretched out into a comfortable position on the couch, made even more comfortable when JJ gently lifted his head and slid into place beneath it.

"How's that?" she asked.

He grinned. "Well, the view is great. But it's too far away."

She took care of that by bringing her face down to his, and finding his lips once again, no longer worried about causing him pain. He stroked the back of her head as they kissed, each longing for the day when it wouldn't have to be so awkward and careful.

And then, sated for the moment, they simply sat, quietly, his head resting in her lap, her fingers playing through his hair. The danger wasn't over. Nor was he anywhere near healed. Still, they were grateful for the moment of respite.

JJ gradually became aware of the slow rise and fall of Reid's chest, and realized he'd fallen asleep. Between the remainder of his medical tests and the taking of vital signs, neither of them had gotten much rest last night.

 _I think I may just join you._

She grabbed a pillow from the end of the sofa and wedged it behind her head.

Within a minute, she was out.

* * *

Hours later, he blinked himself awake, and then spent the better part of a minute assembling his memory. The angle of the sun told him it was probably late afternoon. The soft sound of human respiration startled him, until he remembered….and realized he'd been using her lap as a pillow.

He decided to try to get himself up without waking her, but that was not to be. If she hadn't felt the movement in her lap, she'd most certainly heard the groan that accompanied it.

"Mmm. Hi." Not quite awake.

Reid smiled, in spite of the pain. Hundreds of naps, on hundreds of plane rides, had taught him that she was not an easy riser.

"Good morning."

"Mmmm. Good morning." Her lids fell shut again.

"Hey, Sleepyhead….wake up!"

"Mmmm.."

 _All right, you asked for it._

He reached his arm across his body and up toward her middle. And he tickled her.

Her head shot erect. "Wha…what is it?"

He waited for her to get oriented. "Are you awake now?"

"What? Oh….ohhh. Sorry. I fell asleep."

He grinned. "Yeah, I noticed. Sorry to wake you. I was trying to be quiet about it, but I can't quite seem to get up."

"Oh! Let me help you, then. Unless….maybe you should just stay on the couch."

"I kind of need to…."

"Oh. Okay. Let me just get behind you, and let me do the lifting."

"Actually, I thought maybe you could help me roll to the side, and then I could tilt up from sideways." The engineer in him coming out. "I think the torque would work better than if I just tried to sit up straight."

He used his hands to demonstrate what he wanted to do, and it made intuitive sense to her. So she helped him roll, and he was able to use a hand to push off from the sofa and get himself upright.

 _Now all I have to do is stand._

Which was difficult, but not impossible, if he gritted his teeth just enough.

Watching him walk slowly toward the short hallway, JJ left him to his ablutions while she took inventory of his kitchen. There wasn't much to work with, but she managed to find some eggs and enough leftover takeout to make a couple of omelets.

Reid followed his nose back to the kitchen.

"Was _that_ in my refrigerator? It smells way better than anything I thought I owned." Coming up behind her, and leaning over her shoulder.

She turned around, smiling. "That's because it's made with love."

He wanted so badly to take her into his arms, but he knew it would trigger a spasm of pain. So he settled for her lips.

"If it tastes anything like you do, it will be delicious."

* * *

They almost had their first fight. Well, their first fight as a couple, anyway. He wanted her to leave, and she didn't want to go. Again.

"I'll be fine in my chair. It will be easier for me to get up and down from there, and I fall asleep in it all the time, anyway."

"I don't like it. What if you need something? What if you _can't_ get up? What if you fall?"

"I'll have my phone on me. And I'll call you and say, 'Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!'"

Trying for humor, by quoting the old commercial. But she wasn't having it.

"That's not funny, Spence. You could be hurt, and who would know?"

" _You_ would, right after I called you. Seriously, JJ," taking her by the shoulders, "neither of us got any sleep last night. It would ease my mind if I knew you were getting some much needed rest. There's no point in both of us being exhausted. And, besides, Henry will be missing you."

He had a point, and he could see she was wavering. So he attempted to seal the deal.

"You can come back tomorrow, and take me to see Kimura. If she says I have to stay out of work, I will. I promise."

If it hadn't been Spence, she would have taken his promise at face value. But it _was_ Spence, and she knew how he hated to be sidelined. So she cocked her head and studied him, and parsed his words, looking for the technicality.

"Does this mean you'll let her talk to me? That she can give _me_ her recommendation?"

He hesitated for a nanosecond too long, and she knew she had him.

 _You were going to fudge it, weren't you?_ She waited him out.

"All right. Yes, I'll agree to it. But, JJ…..," Pleading his case now, "…I don't need to be physically fit to decipher some nonsense messages that Garcia found. I can sit perfectly still and do it."

"It's your brain she's worried about, Spence, not your body. And if Kimura's worried, so am I."

"Technically, she's not 'worried'. She's being cautious. You heard her. And I've been good all day, haven't I? I haven't read a word, I haven't watched TV. I haven't even played chess."

"And what are you going to do the minute I leave?"

He frowned, caught.

"I can't do _nothing_ , JJ. That's torture. What if I just find some old film on cable or something, and fall asleep to it?"

She thought it over. "All right, you're right. It would drive you crazy to have no sensory input. I suppose it would be too much to ask you not to _think_ until tomorrow?"

He caught the slight upturn of her lips, and knew she was teasing him.

"How about if I promise not to think about anything but you?"

A full smile now. "You sure know how to win an argument. But I have 'terms'."

"Terms?"

"Yes. Let me get you settled into the chair, and I'll get everything you need set up on that table next to it. _Then_ , I'll go. But I'm calling you in a few hours, and if you don't answer, I'm coming right back."

"I promise to answer. And I promise to get an 'all clear' from Kimura tomorrow."

"Oh, God, I hope so, Spence."

With her help, he settled into his chair. She pushed over an ottoman for his feet, and piled the table with snacks, drinks and the remote, making sure his books and chess set were out of easy reach. Then she bent to him, and kissed his healing lips one more time, finishing with a peck to his forehead.

"Be a good boy. I love you."

He grinned at her.

"Yes, Mom."

* * *

His appointment with Kimura wasn't until one, so Reid had the full morning to get ready. And it looked like he was going to need it.

 _I'm glad JJ isn't here to see this._

It had taken him a full hour to bathe and dress, rather than his usual ten minutes. Ibuprofen was becoming increasingly more effective at blunting his pain, but that was mostly when he wasn't moving. And then, there was the taser burn to dress. But the most challenging thing of all was putting on his socks. He could slip his feet into a pair of loafers without much difficulty, but he had to bend at the middle to accomplish his socks.

 _Maybe I should just go without them._

As he'd done, once before, when his laundry had been postponed for just a day too long. But he remembered how badly Morgan had teased him about 'going hipster', and he decided he'd rather deal with the discomfort.

Finally, as presentable as the multi-colored skin of his face would allow him to be, he shuffled to the kitchen to brew his first precious cup of coffee of the day. He was just savoring the first few sips when he heard the knock at his door. Before he could start the slow sojourn in that direction, he heard,

"Spence? It's me. Don't worry about the door. I can let myself in."

She'd had the key since…..forever, since even before they'd developed their friendship. With Reid living alone, and with no other relatives to speak of, it had been suggested that someone needed to be able to access his apartment in an emergency. That Gideon had suggested JJ as the logical 'keeper of the key' seemed more related to her status as liaison than anything else. She hadn't traveled with the team all that much, when Gideon led it. That meant she was usually in town, and usually available to check on things.

But Reid had often wondered, in the years intervening, whether Gideon might have had a secondary reason for creating connections between the two youngest members of his team.

 _Did he see something, even then? I don't know how he could have. I sure didn't. I would never have dared to even dream it. But look at us now._

Over the years, she'd used the key just a few times. She'd used it to check on him that day he'd overslept and not shown up for work, after being ill with anthrax. She'd used it to stock his place with home-made frozen meals after he'd been shot in the leg.

 _That's when I found out what a good cook she was!_

But, in retrospect, it might have been the times she _hadn't_ used it, that had been the most telling.

She hadn't used in in the days and weeks after Georgia, and the event of his hideous captivity.

 _She was a mess, after that. I know they were all worried about me, and rightly so. But I don't know that they realized how badly_ she _was hurting then._

She hadn't used it throughout the many months of his aberrant behavior, as he battled with life, and addiction. He'd been late to work more than once, in that period. Maybe more than ten times.

 _She knew. Maybe they all knew. But she knew, and she didn't know how to react. Or maybe she knew that she_ couldn't _'know', and she didn't want to see anything that might hurt me._

She also hadn't used it in the weeks after he'd lost Maeve. She'd come, and she'd begged to be let in. She'd begged to know he was alive, well aware that he might not wish to be. But she hadn't used her key.

 _She knew I needed the space. She knew I needed to grieve. And she trusted that I would let her back in, when I was ready._

Reid had the presence of mind to realize he'd just mentally covered the past ten years of his relationship with JJ in the time it was taking her to open the door.

 _The old noggin seems to be working just fine. Now I just have to hope that Kimura agrees._

The door swung open, and JJ was in the apartment.

"Good morning. You want some coffee?" Doing his best to sound casual, and capable, and not like someone trying to convince his girlfriend that he was healthy.

She made no attempt to hide her inspection of him. Her eyes ran up and down the length of his body, taking in his posture, the degree of arrangement of his clothing and hair, and finally, the state of his face. She winced, just a bit, at the last.

"Ouch. Does it hurt as much as it looks like it does?"

"First things first. Look, I'm upright, and clean, and dressed. I even…" stretching his leg forward, so his sock would show beneath the hem of his pants, "….put on socks."

She missed the significance. "Sartorially, you look fine. But what about your face? And your ribs? How is the pain?"

"Controlled with ibuprofen. I don't even have a headache. And I didn't need a straw for my coffee today. I can move my jaw all the way up to here." He demonstrated.

She was as impressed as he'd hoped she'd be. She let him pour a mug for her, and then they made their way to the sofa, JJ watching closely as Reid walked ahead of her.

 _Definitely moving a little more quickly today. But still really stiff._

She sat beside him and turned herself in his direction.

"Henry says hi and he asked me to give you a hug, but I think that will have to wait a few days." Very much wanting to hug him herself.

"You can tell Henry that I'll be over as soon as I'm presentable, and we can hug as much as we want." Then, sticking with the subject of the boy they both loved, he asked, "How is he doing? I mean, really."

She sat back and smiled, picturing her son as she'd left him this morning.

"I don't know how, but he seems okay. It's like he figured out 'this is the new normal', and he's finding a way to live with it."

Reid thought about it for a minute. "It probably helps that he's got a friend going through it, too. Toby, right? So it doesn't make him as 'different' as it might otherwise."

"Well, as my friend the genius told me, fifty percent of modern marriages end in divorce. So he's probably got more company than just Toby. I guess it's just how it is, for kids these days."

"And in my day," he reminded her. "Although my circumstance was pretty different, for obvious reasons."

Which reminded her.

"Do you think we can go out and visit your mom sometime? I didn't get a chance to get to really know her when she came for that case, way back when. And I didn't get to see her when we were in Vegas because…"

He smiled. "Because you were otherwise engaged, giving birth to Henry." Then the smile flatlined. "Are you sure you want to do that? With Mom, there are no guarantees, from day to day."

"I'm sure. She gave birth to the man I love, and I'd like to get to know her better. And I want to thank her."

His arm went out reflexively, wanting to pull her close, but a sharp pain in his side nearly took his breath away.

"Damn it! I can't wait for this to be over!"

"That makes three of us…you, and me….and Henry."

* * *

Reid gave up the charade within minutes of arriving to Kimura's exam room. He'd kept his word, and brought JJ along for the full visit. Under the scrutiny of the two women, he wasn't going to be able to look any stronger, or more able, than he actually was.

Resignedly, he asked Kimura. "So, what's the verdict? Can I go back to work? Am I allowed to think?"

His physician chuckled. "I cannot imagine a world in which it is possible for Spencer Reid not to think. But, to answer your question, the verdict is that you need to refrain from physical activity until your ribs are better healed. A week, maybe two. But your brain seems to be in good working order so…yes, Spencer, you can think."

"Yay! Did you hear that, JJ? I can think! Let's get to work!"


	68. Chapter 68

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 68**

"So I'm all set?"

Hotch looked at the doctor's note in his hand. Ever since a certain incident, years ago, he'd required written proof of a physician's clearance to work. From Reid, anyway.

His dark eyes moved from the paper, and met the hazel pair across from them.

"Kimura doesn't clear you for physical activity for another week, at least."

"But she said I can think, right? I can look at those nonsense items Garcia found in the DTA system."

Hotch nodded. He wasn't about to give Reid a hard time about it. He needed those genius eyes on the material Garcia had retrieved.

"I'll have her bring them to the round table room. You can work in there until the afternoon meeting in…" Looking at his watch, "….an hour."

"Great! Thanks, Hotch!"

Reid turned to leave, but stopped mid-stride, when his superior spoke again.

"Reid, wait."

The young man turned back, and closed the door at Hotch's signal. Clearly something wasn't right, if it required such privacy.

"What is it?"

The unit chief hesitated a moment, and Reid couldn't quite tell if he was struggling to find the right words, or if he was simply having trouble getting them out.

"Hotch….what is it?" He asked again.

The prominent brow was furrowed.

"Sid Hirsch called me earlier. They've intercepted a few new messages related to this case….and to the case from last fall."

Reid was immediately interested. "Something that puts them together?"

Until now, it had only been _his_ interpretation of the messages from each case, and _his_ supposition, as educated as it might be, that linked the two. Reid was anxious to hear that his suspicion had been confirmed.

But the expression on Hotch's face didn't convey the satisfaction Reid would have expected to see. Instead, Hotch's expression was grave, and Reid didn't understand.

"Hotch?" Not able to recall a time he'd had to work so hard to draw his unit chief out. Finally, Hotch told him.

" _They've_ put things together. DTA. There's got to be someone _else_ at PharmVac, someone not involved with Security. Because, while the FBI was still at the site, DHS intercepted a message into DTA, alerting them about your real identity. They know who you are. And they know you're the same person who foiled their operation last fall."

Multiple shades of bruising hid the fact that the color had run from Reid's face. But Hotch could still read his expression, and he responded to it.

"We'll put a security detail on your apartment, for the time being."

Reid's eyes were on the floor, scanning back and forth as he considered all the permutations of the threat, rapid-fire. Then he looked up to his superior.

"Hotch….I think maybe you should put a detail on JJ's place as well."

Brows up.

Reid explained. "We…we're…..we're kind of….together."

Rare confusion played over Aaron Hotchner's features, and that's when Reid remembered.

 _He doesn't know about any of it._

So he explained, as briefly as possible.

"JJ and Will had been struggling for a while. Since before the whole thing last fall, really. And it only got worse. So, they've separated, and are planning to divorce. But, because of Henry…."

"It will take at least a year." Aaron Hotchner had walked the same road, once upon a time.

Reid realized it as well.

"Sorry, I forgot. Of course you would know that. Yes, so they have to wait a year. But…well… I realized…and then JJ did….and... well….."

Just the smallest of smiles showed itself on the usually grim face. Hotch cared for all of his team members, but he had a particular fondness for the youngest. He'd long known of their friendship, and then had been given a glimpse into the depth of their caring in a lonely hospital room, some months ago. He'd also done some major soul searching with the person in front of him. This new relationship would complicate matters for the team, no doubt. But if two people had managed to find love in the midst of the kinds of chaos that usually surrounded them, Aaron Hotchner was all for it. He gave Reid a permission he hadn't been asked to grant.

"You know, for a genius, you can be pretty dense."

And that's when Reid realized exactly how smart…and how perceptive…and how much of a closet romantic….Aaron Hotchner was.

"You mean.."

"Yes. If it had teeth, it would have bitten you long ago. Congratulations. And, yes, I'll put a detail on JJ's house."

* * *

"Hey, Pretty Boy! I guess you got a clean bill of…..ooh. Ouch. Does that feel like it looks?"

Morgan was the first arrival for the afternoon meeting.

"Are you asking if it feels purple and black?"

The older man smiled. "Well, I see your mouth is working again."

Reid tried to grin, but his lips were still too stiff. The resultant expression spoke to Morgan.

"Not all the way, I guess. Sorry, man. Seriously, how do you feel?"

"Better. The ribs will take longest, I'm told. But I've been cleared to work, as you can probably tell."

Waving his arm across the papers spread out on the table in front of him.

"So I see. Well, congratulations." Morgan pulled out a chair across from him. "Hey, Reid…. You did good work with this…with _all_ of it. If we get these guys, it will be because of you. But.. I gotta tell you, man…it was hard on Blondie."

Immediately subdued, Reid responded. "I know. But it's the work we do. I don't know how else to do it."

Morgan nodded, having expected the response. "Did you hear that DTA…."

"Hotch told me."

"Does JJ know?"

"I don't think so, not yet. I'll tell her." Dreading it, but knowing that honesty would, in the end, make or break them. And, hopefully, keep them safe.

"Well, I, for one, have got your back. Both of you."

Reid got his eyes to smile, since his lips weren't cooperating. "Counting on it."

One at a time, the rest trickled into the conference room, joining the two men. Kate fussed over Reid for a few minutes, having not seen him since before the events at PharmVac. Then JJ entered, and pulled out a chair next to him.

"Okay?"

She hadn't seen him since she'd dropped him at Hotch's office an hour and a half earlier.

"Fine. You don't need to worry. All I'm doing is reading and…"

"And thinking." Smiling at him, and leaning in close. "My genius," she whispered.

Hotch and Rossi arrived together, alerting the others that they were about to get started.

"Isn't Sid coming?" asked Kate.

"He may join us later," explained Hotch. "He's in a meeting with the DHS leadership."

"Something going on?" asked Morgan. "Something new?"

"Not that they've shared," replied his unit chief. Then Hotch turned to Reid.

"What have you got?"

The genius peered over the piles of papers in front of him, and looked at each of his colleagues, in turn.

"Well, first of all, we were right about the initials. They do mean 'Death to America'. And yet…..it's not entirely an international organization. There's definitely an overseas arm, and there might be connections to some of the groups we already know about, like Al Qaeda and ISIS, but I need to dig a little deeper to tell. But the money…most of it comes from within the US."

Kate wished she could be more shocked, but not much surprised her these days.

"Individuals or corporations?" she asked, wearily.

"Mostly corporations. But I asked Garcia to see if there are any overlapping names among their executive officers and board members."

At the mention of her name, Garcia perked up.

"Yes, he did. Ask me, that is. And yes, there were. Seven names, and at least one of them will be familiar to you, because it was familiar to me."

"Well, don't keep us in suspense, Penelope," urged Rossi. "Who is it?"

"Ronnie Bluff."

The name got a reaction all around the table. It was _definitely_ a familiar name. Especially to Morgan.

"He's a real estate magnate. Made billions buying and selling apartment buildings."

JJ caught the undercurrent.

"You don't sound like you like him very much."

"I don't. You guys know I like to buy and restore old houses. I respect their history, and I see the beauty of the work that went into them all those years ago. But this guy Bluff? He's more likely to tear it down completely and put up something gawdy."

Kate smiled. "Yeah, gawdy, and with a big fat 'B' on the top of it. They were all over the place, when I worked in New York."

"So, you're saying he's involved, Pen?" JJ wanted clarification.

Her good friend shrugged. "I can only say that his name appears on several of the boards, and then, of course, he heads his own corporation."

Hotch nodded. "And any number of subcorporations, including those with international arms. I'll see what DHS can tell us about him. What other names have you got?"

Their tech analyst ran through the rest of the list, but none of the names was as familiar as that of Ronnie Bluff.

"So, these guys aren't just outright funding DTA, right? There's some kind of funny money operation going on, isn't there?" Like the others, Rossi was familiar with the process of money laundering.

"Correct," said Reid. "It looks like most of the money changes hands in the form of 'fees' related to some of the real estate transactions. When the properties in question are worth close to a billion dollars, it's easily possible to hide a few million in fees. I'm still looking for other discrepancies in the numbers."

Hotch wanted to know. "Are they all real estate companies?"

Reid shook his head. "No. There's one more in real estate, but then there's a tech firm, two manufacturers, and two pharmaceutical companies, including PharmVac."

"And Ronnie Bluff is on all of their boards?" asked JJ.

Garcia answered. "He's on the real estate and pharmaceutical boards. If he's involved with the others, I haven't found it yet. But the other guys….well, actually, the other five guys…one's a woman…..they're all on at least three boards each."

"And all of these companies have somehow had something to do with DTA?" asked Kate.

Reid replied this time. "Yes. And once Garcia had permission to look inside PharmVac…officially, that is, she found…."

"Ooh, let me tell them!" Garcia enthused. "Boy Wonder asked me to look for the same kinds of nonsense patterns that I found in the DTA systems, and there it was! Several of the companies have been doing above ground business with PharmVac directly. But it looks like they've also been doing some stuff underground."

Rossi pushed back from the table to assume his favorite thinking pose.

"All right, let's run through this. We have our bad guys…..our _American_ bad guys….who are doing business with a holding company whose initials stand for _Death_ To America. Wonderful. And now we find out that they're also doing business with a vaccine manufacturing company…"

"Biologicals." Reid looked apologetic at having interrupted, but the distinction was important. "PharmVac makes a variety of biologicals, including vaccines, but not limited to them. They also cultivate cells for monoclonal antibodies and immune globulins."

Rossi was undeterred by the gobbledygook. "Just more ways to kill us?"

"Pretty much," acknowledged his young colleague.

The senior agent continued. "So, we're thinking the other companies are funneling money to our two targets, right? But, why? PharmVac already has funding for research and development, doesn't it?"

Looking to Reid, who nodded his confirmation.

"And the vaccine manufacturing business is pretty lucrative, isn't it?"

Another nod from Reid.

"So why does PharmVac need the money?"

Kate had a suggestion. "Maybe they're working on something they can't receive funding for."

Morgan picked it up. "Like a biological weapon. Something that goes beyond contaminating vaccines. That's too hit-or-miss. But a biological could take out a whole geographical location."

As it had, when a deranged scientist had unleashed anthrax onto the unsuspecting citizens in a Maryland park. Morgan exchanged a glance with Reid, both remembering that frightening time in a particularly personal way.

But Reid wasn't so sure about Kate's theory.

"Morgan and I were all over that building. I don't think there's any lab space unaccounted for."

Which made JJ wonder. "What if they're not doing it there? What if DTA found another location for them? They've got their own real estate, and we just heard that they're working with at least two other real estate firms."

All eyes turned to Garcia, who immediately rose from her seat and headed for her lair. "On it!"

Reid had another thought. "What if the money _isn't_ funding work at PharmVac? What if it's just passing through? Vaccines get shipped all over the world. What if they're using the shipments to get funding to terror cells in other countries?"

Hotch's mind had been going in the same direction. And further.

"Reid, you mentioned two manufacturing firms. What do they make?"

Sometimes Reid wondered if his unit chief could read his mind. Times like this made it a near certainty. Hotch had intuited that crucial piece of information that hadn't yet made it to the table.

"One manufactures jet engines. And the other one manufactures weapons."

Morgan hung his head. "This can only get worse if you tell me the tech firm makes drones."

"Well…."

* * *

JJ took Reid back to his apartment at the end of the day, a little concerned about the fatigue etched into the lines passing through the purple and newly-emerging green of his face.

"You look exhausted, Spence. Let me make you something to eat, and then it's early to bed with you."

Reid was unaccustomed to being fussed over in his own apartment. Usually that only happened during his too-frequent sojourns to the hospital.

 _I think I might be able to get used to this._

"Only if you'll stay and eat with me."

JJ was already rooting around in his fridge. "I can't. Mom has something tonight, so she can't watch Henry. I have to get home."

Reid put a hand on each hip and backed her away from the cold interior of the appliance.

"Then let me do it. I'm pretty handy with a microwave. And, besides, Henry deserves some quality time with his mom."

He'd turned her around, hands still on her hips, an arm's length away. His ribs weren't quite ready for close contact.

She smiled. "Henry would also like some quality time with his Uncle Spence. He's worried about you, and I think he's going to need to see you before he believes you're all right."

Reid was dismayed. "You told him I was hurt?" He wished she hadn't.

"No, not me. Apparently, he overheard Mom's half of my conversation the other night, and he heard the word 'hospital'. When she told him I wasn't coming home that night, he got upset, because he thought it was me who was in the hospital. He still talks about seeing me there last fall, and I think he still has nightmares about it sometimes. So she told him that _you'd_ had an 'accident' and that I was spending the night at the hospital with you. But that just made him scared about you. And I don't think he's going to believe you're all right until he sees you."

"Bruises and all?"

"You look like you again, Spence. Just more….colorful. He'll be okay with it."

"All right. Tomorrow night?"

She grinned. "He'll be thrilled! Just make sure you're ready to have your ears talked off."

Which made _him_ grin. "Ears are overrated."

Then he remembered. In the complexity of the case discussion, he'd actually forgotten.

"There's something I need to tell you." And he recounted what Hotch had told him about DTA and the fact that they'd become aware of the specific FBI agent who'd foiled them, twice.

JJ wasn't as shocked as he'd expected her to be.

"Did you know?"

She shook her head. "No, but I'm not surprised. Your identity wasn't hidden last fall, and we know there was a mole close to that case. DTA must have had _all_ of our names, and they probably knew that _you_ were the one who'd figured it out. But now...Does Hotch think you're in danger?"

"He didn't say it specifically. I don't think there's been any kind of specific threat, and I haven't read anything in the intercepts. But he did say he was putting a detail on my place...and I asked him to put one on yours."

That _did_ surprise her. "He knows?"

"Apparently, according to my boss, I'm pretty dense."

After a moment of surprised reaction, she laughed. "Well, that would make two of us. But we're not dense any more, thank God."

Careful to keep from jostling his rib cage, JJ put her hands on his shoulders and lifted her lips to his.

"Sweet dreams, my love."

He wasn't going to turn down a kiss, but he had to ask. _After_.

"Wait...so, you're okay about it?"

She took a moment to collect the right words. "I wouldn't say I'm 'okay'. But it doesn't matter what I think, or what either of us thinks. It just is, and we'll have to deal with it. I'll tell Mom, so she won't be worried if she sees someone watching the house."

"She won't be frightened?"

"Mom's a lot tougher than she looks. She's been through a lot in her life. We'll just have to take care of these guys, and then she won't have to think about it any more."

Reid looked down at the woman he loved, and realized yet one more of the reasons he loved her.

 _Jennifer Jareau, you are one incredibly complex creature. You carry such softness in your heart, even if you're afraid of it sometimes, and yet your spine is made of steel, and I will never know how you do it. But I'm prepared to spend a lifetime trying to figure it out._

"All right, then. It's simple. We'll 'just take care of these guys'."

She chuckled to hear him quote her. "All right, so maybe I'm overconfident. Or maybe not. I have faith in you. And in us. _All_ of us."

"So do I. And I'm particularly motivated about this one...I'm not about to let them keep me from living my life."

They both heard it, at the same time, the sense of promise. And they both remembered that time, not all that long ago, that he'd been so weary of life. Then, their love for one another had given him, first, a purpose. And, now, it had also given him a promise, of something even better, yet to come.

The attraction was so strong, it was impossible to fight. He opened his arms, and she stepped into them. He felt the sting of pain when he closed his arms around her, but the bliss of holding her was far greater. Still, she felt the involuntary stiffening of his muscles, and stepped away.

"How long do you think..."

He panted, just a little, whether from pain or desire, he couldn't have said. "It's getting better. Definitely. I think. Maybe a few days?"

"What's a few days, right?"

"Right." A few days. Seventy-two hours. Or maybe ninety-six. _Maybe I can get it down to forty-eight._

No matter how long, it wouldn't be now. So they did what they could. They kissed again, and then JJ left.

Reid stood, staring at the door she'd just passed through. 'Sweet dreams', she'd wished him.

 _The sweetest, indeed._


	69. Chapter 69

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 69**

Once Sid Hirsch had been advised of the content of the DTA and PharmVac 'nonsense' information, he'd declared all of the data classified. He'd graciously conceded that it could stay at the BAU, provided it was appropriately locked up and hidden from the 'non-need-to-know' personnel. That meant that Reid could continue to work on it from his comfortable home base….but it also meant that he couldn't take it home for some late night deciphering. All of which explained why he was arriving to the BAU at 6 AM.

But it didn't explain why the light was on in Hotch's office. Curious, Reid made his way up the stairs, first steaming mug of coffee in hand. He neared his superior's closed door in time to see him hanging up his landline.

Noticing the movement in the hallway, Hotch waved Reid inside.

"You're here awfully early."

The young man shrugged. "I was up, and I wanted to get back to looking through the material Garcia uncovered."

"Are you having trouble sleeping?" asked Hotch. It wouldn't have been surprising, considering.

He had, last night, but Reid wasn't about to let his unit chief know that. What had started out as a promising dream, inhabited by his two favorite people in the world, had come to an abrupt end, with the sound of a gunshot. He'd awakened, heart pounding, ready to reach for his own weapon, when he'd realized. He was alone. JJ and Henry weren't there. They weren't in danger. He hoped.

 _It was just a hypnopompic hallucination._

Which put his cognitive mind at ease, but did nothing to settle his adrenalin rush. He'd been unable to get back to sleep after that. _But_ , he reasoned to himself, _it was only the one dream_. _Why make a big deal of it?_ So he denied it.

"No! No, nothing like that."

He'd been too quick to answer, and he could see that Hotch had picked up on it. It took only a slight movement from the man's dark brown eyes to direct Reid into a seat. In characteristic fashion, they dispensed with the nonessentials, and continued their conversation several thoughts ahead, as though there had been an intervening exchange. Both men were acutely aware that they were recreating a scene from several years ago. The two, alone in the BAU, Reid confessing his fear for the woman he loved. Hotch tried to assure him.

"Reid, there's been no specific threat. We're just surmising."

"Isn't that pretty much what we do? We surmise."

 _And we're pretty good at it. Which doesn't exactly bode well right now._

Hotch corrected him. "We surmise based on years of data and studies on the behavior of serial killers. That doesn't apply here."

"Then why did you tell me? And why the protection?"

"An abundance of caution." _And because you're a trouble magnet._ "Reid, you know these people better than anyone. You've been inside their heads in a way that no one from any of our task force agencies has. We need you focused, not distracted."

Reid considered that. It still didn't make sense. If they hadn't wanted him distracted, why tell him in the first place?

 _Except that Hotch knew I'd figure it out. And he knew I'd be afraid to say anything, because I wouldn't want to detract from the work on the case._

It was a little unnerving to be known that well, by _anyone._ And, yet, it was also enormously gratifying. Comforting. Consoling, even when no consolation was necessary. It was this kind of interaction that made Reid look at Hotch as someone far more important to his life than simply his superior at work. It was validating.

 _He knows me. He's seen me at my worst, and he hasn't thought less of me. He's just found a way to work with me, and to keep me from becoming my own worst enemy._

So he didn't challenge Hotch's words, even if he knew they were only half-truths. He simply met eye contact with the man, and uttered a heartfelt "Thank you."

* * *

Most of the day was spent reading through piles of documents from DTA and PharmVac, with the goal of finding enough solid information to allow them to start 'officially' looking at the other companies. Which didn't mean that Garcia hadn't already been poking around a bit. But they couldn't afford for her to get caught. No one wanted to risk any part of the case being thrown out of court, should the day finally arrive.

"Keep it quiet while you're in there, Baby Girl. They have to know we're on to something, and they'll be looking for you."

Garcia wasn't so sure. "They don't know that our Boy Wonder made sense of the nonsense. They probably think we're frustrated, because we keep running into more firewalls."

"Wait…..Penelope Garcia, the great guru of all tech gurus, is running into firewalls?" Morgan was dumbfounded.

"On purpose, you heathen! I thought you had more faith in me!"

Morgan was conciliatory. "You're a technical goddess, Garcia. That's why I was so surprised. But you're telling me you faked being locked out of their system?"

"So they'd stop looking for me. I do share a couple of IQ points with our resident genius, my love."

He laughed. "More than a few. Good work, Penelope."

Reid, just back from a coffee run, caught the last of the exchange, and added to it.

"You're amazing, Garcia!" He shouted it in the direction of Morgan's phone, and smiled when he heard her distant response. "I kn—ow", she sang.

Reid took his seat behind the diminishing pile of papers, as Morgan took stock of his appearance.

"You don't have any more swelling left. And most of the bruising is fading to black and green. It almost doesn't look like you got beat up. It just looks like.."

"Like I forgot to wash my face?"

"Well…..yeah."

"Good. I'm supposed to see Henry tonight, and I don't want to scare him. But, if it looks like dirt…"

Morgan grinned. "He'll think you're just bonding with him."

Reid returned the smile in kind. "Correct. Henry has an apparent repulsion for bath time, now and then."

"Ah, I remember those days. Running around, havin' fun all summer. Who had time for a bath, when you could be playing outside?"

Coming from the childhood he'd had, Reid wasn't quite as familiar with the notion, but he could see its appeal.

"I guess. Well, I'm not going to argue for a bath tonight. With my luck, he'd talk me into washing my face, too, and then he'd find out that _my_ dirt doesn't wash off."

The implied intimacy between Reid and Henry made Morgan wonder.

"So, Kid. I know you're Henry's godfather and all. But it's gotta be different, now that you and JJ... I mean….they're a package deal."

Wondering if _he_ would ever be able to take on the same kind of challenge.

Reid shrugged it off. "They've always been a package deal for me. I loved Henry even before he was born, just because he was a part of JJ. And then I loved him all on his own. It's only natural for me to love them together."

Reid made it sound so simple, so matter-of-fact, so mature. Morgan nodded, approvingly. Somewhere along the way, 'the Kid' had become a man, one that he couldn't have admired more.

"Well, I've gotta say….being in love looks good on you, Pretty Boy. Even in shades of green and black."

* * *

It was the first time in forever that Henry hadn't greeted him at the door. Instead, it was Sandy Jareau who granted Reid entrance to the house this night.

At the look of surprise on his face, she assured him. "Don't worry, I'm not staying. I have my book club tonight. But I wanted to see you for myself."

Making no effort at all to mask the fact that she was inspecting him, head to toe.

Reid blushed under her examination, but he wasn't about to complain. He'd been mothered by Sandy before, and he welcomed it.

"I'm okay."

Sandy nodded, slowly. "Jennifer couldn't tell me much about it, except to say that you'd taken a beating to help solve a case. She said you'd protected a lot of people, because of it."

Reid wasn't comfortable in the role of hero, and was quick to minimize.

"I don't know about that. But….I didn't really have any choice, at the time."

Sandy studied him again, and he realized he was being subjected to more scrutiny than he had been in the past, because his relationship with her daughter had changed.

"I hope so, Spencer. I hope you won't take unnecessary chances. I don't want my daughter's heart broken." She hesitated a moment, and then added, "And, yes, I realize that makes me a hypocrite. I didn't get in the way of your taking chances when it was Jennifer's life you were trying to save."

He was caught off guard, not prepared for this conversation at all. Still, he realized that he shouldn't have been surprised. It was bound to have come up at some point. The parameters of his life were changing in so many ways. He wasn't living for one, any more. He was living for two.

 _Make that three. Or four, counting Sandy._

JJ did, after all, come as part of a package.

"I promise that I won't do anything to hurt JJ. Not willingly. Not ever. And, for the record, I wouldn't have changed a thing about that time in the hospital. I couldn't have stood losing her any more than you could. I love her, Sandy."

She started into a hug, and then, apparently remembering his injuries, stopped herself. Instead, she cupped his face in her hands.

"I know that, Spencer. And she loves you as well." Smiling now. "And, since we're 'on the record'….I love you, too."

His shy smile spread slowly over his face. "Thanks. I….just, thanks."

Sandy pulled his forehead down, and kissed it.

"You're welcome. Now, go and greet your public."

With that, Sandy was out the door, and Reid made his way down the hall to the kitchen, wondering, again, why Henry hadn't greeted him.

Arriving to the kitchen told him where the young boy was. But there was still no greeting. Henry seemed to be glued to his mother's side. Reid tried to ignore the oddness of it all.

"Hi, Henry!"

Nothing but a wide-eyed stare in return. So he tried again.

"It's me….it's your Uncle Spence. Don't I get a hug?"

Henry's gaze went from Reid, to his mother, and back again.

"Mommy said 'no'."

She was quick to explain.

"I told him you hurt your middle, and you couldn't hug anybody for a little while."

Reid looked from JJ to his godson, touched by the frustrated emotion he saw there.

 _My little man. You don't have enough words, so you use your body to show your love. And when youre told you can't…._

Reid squatted himself down to Henry's level, doing his best not to let the discomfort show in his face.

"Did your mom tell you I broke a couple of bones? Just like you did, in your arm. Except mine are in my chest, right about here…" and he pointed, "….so I can't have a cast. Can you just picture me with a cast around my whole belly?"

At the reminder about his broken arm, Henry's face showed recognition. Now, he could relate. _He'd_ had a broken bone, and _he'd_ gotten better. The same could happen for Uncle Spence. Then he imagined the site of his beloved godfather wrapped in a plaster cast….and he giggled.

"That's silly!"

Reid smiled at the change in expression on Henry's face. "Yes, it is! Can you picture it?"

He rose and started walking around the kitchen stiffly, arms and legs flailing. "Help! I can't sit down!"

Henry giggled more, as JJ looked her love at both of them.

Gratified, Reid squatted in front of Henry once again, and pointed toward his neck.

"I'm pretty sure I can handle a hug right here. What do you think?"

Henry _showed_ him what he thought. He stepped forward and wrapped too-short arms around his Uncle Spence's long neck.

Much longer arms wrapped themselves around the little boy. In spite of the pain it caused him, Reid pulled Henry close. It was a reflex, and one he hoped never to lose.

"I love you, little man. And I'm going to be fine. I'm not going anywhere."

He felt a responsive tightening of Henry's arms, and then the youngster let go, only to be caught in his godfather's grasp, as Reid kept him from moving too far away. From this distance, Henry stared at Reid's face. Now he could make out the actual colors.

"You have a lot of boo-boos." He observed.

Reid smiled, holding Henry in his hands. "That's right, I do. But they're all getting better, and they'll be done before you know it."

Henry continued to stare. "Was it a bully?"

Which made both Reid and JJ squint at the little one.

 _How and when did he learn about bullies? In the first grade?!_

But Reid saw an opportunity to explain, in a way that Henry could grasp.

"Well…..sort of, I guess. There were a couple of guys who ganged up on me, so I couldn't fight back. So, yes, I guess you could say their boss was a bully."

Henry considered it. "Did he say 'sorry'?"

Reid couldn't hold the squat any longer, not with his long legs and that one bad knee. He stood, and looked down to his little defender.

"Not yet. But he will."

Henry seemed satisfied with that, and ran off to get his latest Lego project to show to his godfather.

Finally alone with him, JJ stood herself before Reid and asked, "Can you handle a hug from me?"

He smiled. "And more."

She tlpped herself up to him, and wrapped her arms around his neck. As with Henry, he was unable to restrain himself, and he drew her closer…only to be given a sharp reminder that his ribs were not about to tolerate that degree of contact. Not from an adult.

JJ felt it and drew back immediately, but found herself caught in his grasp. He held her at arms length, which wasn't too great a distance for his tall torso to cover. He bent to her, and they kissed. And kissed.

"Mmm….all of a sudden, I don't think I care what's for dinner."

She chuckled. "Good thing. Unless you're crazy for mac and cheese."

He stole another kiss before responding. "Are you kidding? It's my favorite! Tonight, anyway."

Dinner _was_ delicious, as was the time Reid got to spend with Henry afterward. Then there was bath time...without protest..., and prayers, and bed time, and then the busy little bee was out cold.

"I can't believe how much he packs into a day," said JJ, as they settled on the couch. "Were we ever like that?"

Reid just smiled at her, not daring to state the facts. But the only memory he'd really retained about his six-year-old self was entirely caught up in his memories of the dead Riley Jenkins. Exploring, and playing pirate, and finding treasures, and riding bicycles…these were memories that belonged to someone else's childhood, not to Spencer Reid's.

"I'm glad you made me come and see him, even if I still look like I ran into a brick wall."

"I knew he needed it. And, for the record, the fact that you're walking around all bruised up is a badge of honor in Henry's book. I predict he'll be bragging about you to his friends tomorrow."

Reflexively, Reid grinned…and was pleased to feel his lips becoming more pliant in the process. Which begged the question of what _else_ they might be more pliant for.

So he engaged JJ in a little experiment.

* * *

The experiment had come to a happy conclusion, and both test subjects were in their respective homes, preparing for bed, when each of their phones sounded the arrival of a text message.

7 AM BAU. BREAKTHROUGH.


	70. Chapter 70

**And When I Wake**

 **Chapter 70**

"Good morning," Hotch greeted his team, and Sid Hirsch, upon entering the round table room. "Thank you for coming in early. As you know we had a bit of a breakthrough late yesterday." Deferring the update to their DHS colleague. "Sid?"

Hirsch looked around the table. "It turns out that, if you want to find something, it always helps to know where to look. The discoveries made by Dr. Reid and Ms. Garcia pointed us in the right direction, and we were able to get our colleagues at the NSA to review, and…" pausing to look for the right words..."..let's say..'reinterpret'…some prior conversations."

Rossi's brows were up. "Do I take it these were _recorded_ 'prior conversations'?" Which might well make them off-limits, legally.

Hirsch nodded, acknowledging the dilemma without actually admitting to it.

"They were recorded, yes. But we have applied for and obtained permission for a wiretap. We're confident there will be more conversations."

If he hadn't had only the single mug of coffee so far, Reid might have been able to restrain himself. But he hadn't, and he couldn't.

"You know, technically it's not a 'wiretap', unless we're only talking about landlines. It's more like 'wave capture' or 'digital diversion'. You know, there are many ways to eavesdrop on cell phone calls, and…."

The stern look on his unit chief's face told him to take another sip of his coffee.

Sid Hirsch restrained a smile. He'd heard about the 'Reid ramble', but had never before witnessed one in person. He was a little disappointed at not having been treated to the whole thing. But, silence having returned to the room, he resumed his update.

"As I was saying, now that we know which individuals to target, we're revisiting some of their prior calls, and have obtained official permission to….'tap'….into calls going forward." Sharing a smile with Reid. "For a variety of reasons…not all of which I'm at liberty to discuss, despite your tremendous contributions to the process….we're focusing in on Mr. Bluff and his organization and associates."

Kate's years in New York had left her with a distinct….and unfavorable…impression of Ronnie Bluff.

"He was all over the newspapers, all the time, when I worked in the city. Honestly, I couldn't tell you any of the details, because it was all business-related, and I couldn't have cared less. But I remember thinking that he was one of the most ruthless individuals I'd ever heard of. Still, I never would have thought of him as a threat to national security."

"Greed is a corrosive vice, my friend," Rossi pontificated. "It eats away at one's soul. Maybe our Mr. Bluff started out being satisfied with closing a favorable deal, or getting some kind of exclusive opportunity. But that just gave way to craving bigger profits, and more fame, and bigger headlines and more power. Eventually, in people like him, the lust for money gives way to a lust for power, and he's caught up in a compulsion that he can't even see, let alone understand, or resist."

All eyes turned to Sid Hirsch, looking for confirmation, as Rossi ended his description of the devolution of a human being.

Hirsch's steady gaze was locked on Rossi, his face a studied mask of noncommittal. But his words conceded the truth in the process his friend had described.

"And it leads him to behaviors that even _he_ would abhor, if he was able to see what he was doing. But he can't. And he throws himself in with the devil."

"Even to the point of consorting with the enemy?" queried Morgan. "I mean, we're talking about a US citizen who is working with a terrorist network that reaches both into and out of the country, right?"

Hotch acknowledged it. At least that much had become clear. "We are."

"So, we're talking treason?" JJ's voice held her contempt.

"It appears so," a grim Sid Hirsch agreed.

"I still don't understand it," said Kate. "What could he…..or anybody, for that matter…..hope to gain? And how?"

Reid had been considering the same question, and took a stab at theorizing.

"Remember, we profiled that they planned to use the anti-vaccine movement as a tool to get the word out about the original vaccine tampering. If they got the reaction they wanted, a much larger segment of our citizenship would have started refusing vaccines, rendering them susceptible to a whole list of diseases we haven't really seen in decades."

"But why would anyone want that?" protested Kate.

Hotch answered her. "An American wouldn't. Not unless there was something personal to be gained. But an enemy force?"

Morgan took it from there. "An enemy force would see it as an opportunity. By introducing any of the agents prevented by the vaccines…..they're not hard to get, are they, Pretty Boy?" Continuing on after getting a nod from Reid. "By introducing any of those into a population that is mostly unimmunized…"

"Biological assisted suicide," finished Rossi. "We make ourselves susceptible, they help us along."

JJ spoke up . "I'm kind of with Kate on this. I mean, I get what the terrorists gain from this, but what does someone like Ronnie Bluff gain?"

Rossi knew. "He gains the same two things that all of the Ronnie Bluffs of this world are always after: power and wealth."

"But _how_? How does he make money on this?" asked Kate.

JJ added, "And what kind of power does it give him? It's not like he's in politics. He's a businessman."

Kate still kept up with New York City news. "I remember seeing a column postulating that he might consider running for office. But it was just a guess. I don't think there's been anything definite."

Morgan wasn't impressed. "Yeah, but it's not like he'd run for president, right? Granted, winning an election for mayor in a city as big as New York might be pretty heady. But it's still not the kind of power that would make someone betray his country."

"Grandiose thinking isn't grounded in reality," advised Reid. "Maybe he _does_ have political ambition. And maybe his ego won't let him aim any lower than the highest possible office."

JJ still wasn't convinced. "Okay, even if we assume all of those things, how do we go from 'A' to 'B'? How does a vaccine crisis get him into power?"

Reid had been thinking about exactly that. "The same way it makes him money. Except….he couldn't be that stupid, could he?"

Sid Hirsch spoke for the first time in a long time. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking we need to look at his international businesses. Anything to do with biologicals, or biological equipment supply."

Garcia had been quietly monitoring the input on her monitor, as her bots continued pursuing their assigned search parameters. She took Reid's opinion as an order, and started actively tapping at keys.

Reid stood and walked to the white board, too excited to stay in his seat. He started drawing with a blue marker.

"We start here, in Oregon, with the deaths of four children," drawing four small, heartrending, stick figures. "We look for, and find, that part of the vaccine supply to that part of the country is purposely contaminated, aided and abetted by members of the antivaccine movement."

"Who just wanted to make a point about vaccine safety…by actively making a few vaccines _un_ safe," observed Morgan.

"Exactly. But then we find that the lab worker who is specifically responsible for supplying the contaminant, the one from Kimura's lab…..we find that he dies suddenly, and mysteriously, telling us that there is a larger scheme behind all of it."

"But we also profiled that, while they were trying to obscure their footprints, they hadn't bothered to interrupt the supply of contaminated vaccine," pointed out Rossi. "They knew, by then, that we were on to them, and they didn't seem to mind us knowing."

Kate nodded, remembering the same discussion. "Because they thought it gave them an upper hand. That knowing that there was still contaminated vaccine out there, we would have to make a formal announcement to the public, in the interest of public safety."

"More like in the interest of public panic," said JJ. "They wanted the public to know, because they wanted them to feel unsafe."

Reid nodded. "And they wanted that sense of feeling unsafe to have political fallout. ' _If the current administration isn't capable of keeping us and our children safe, we need a new one_.' That's what the political opposition would argue."

Hotch thought his genius was, as usual, approaching the heart of the matter.

"DTA and its international components were interested in actually, physically, weakening the American public, so they facilitated everything the in-country group asked them to. But our coalition of businessmen….led, it seems, by Ronnie Bluff….were actually only interested in being seen as the solution to a problem of their own creation."

"But how would they solve the problem? I mean, I get blaming the current administration for not protecting us, but how...and why in the world…..would anyone think that _Ronnie Bluff_ could do it?" Kate was flabbergasted.

Reid had a theory, but he needed backup. "That depends on what Garcia has found. Anything, yet?"

"Almost…..hold on…just a few seonds…three…two…one…there!"

Proving she was also a bit of a speed reader, Garcia summarized the information on her screen.

"Ronnie Bluff….and three of the other members of our seven overlap candidates….. are joint owners of no fewer than seventeen different companies specializing in either biologicals or biological supply materials. It looks like…yes, it's all of them…..all of them are located either in the Indian subcontinent, east Africa or east Asia."

Hirsch was interested. "What do they make?"

Reid moved around to look over Garcia's shoulder, surveying her screen.

"It looks like two of them actually manufacture vaccine…specifically flu vaccine. And the rest make lab equipment….." Still reading, as Garcia scrolled. "…and three make syringes and packaging for the vaccine manufacturers."

Reid gave her an additional task before straightening up. "Look into the vaccine plants. See if they've got any new projects going on…maybe go back a year. If you don't see anything, just look for an influx of new equipment."

He looked to the others, still seated around the table.

"If I'm right, we'll find that they just expanded their vaccine production. They'll be producing the same kind of vaccines that we've found contaminated here in the States."

Finally, Morgan got it. "Once people start dying of things the vaccines are meant to prevent, the rest will get over their fear of vaccine, and start clamoring for the very thing they said they didn't want. But they'll want a safe supply."

Rossi finished it, a touch of admiration in his voice, in spite of himself. "And Ronnie Bluff will ride in to the rescue. Maybe he's not such a fool after all. Just a diabolical son-of-a-bitch."

* * *

It took Garcia only a few hours to find the information Reid had predicted she'd find. But it took nearly a week longer, and much input from the NSA, and it's 'review of prior conversations', to fit the puzzle pieces together.

It turned out to be much as they'd surmised. The 'CEO Cabal', as it had become known, had its fingers in multiple businesses, both at home and abroad, that would benefit from the kind of panic that would result from a widespread, credible threat to the American populace. The hubris of the group, which included one woman, was such that they apparently couldn't see, or refused to give credence to, the fact that they'd thrown themselves in with an organization that wasn't interested in creating credible threats, but was dedicated entirely to killing those who did not share its beliefs.

"Idiots!" Rossi couldn't stop saying it. "Dolts!" "Stupidos!"

Which was usually the last word anyone but Reid could understand, before the BAU founder would launch into a rapid-fire rant in Long Island Italian. And then he would emerge back into English.

"What the hell were they thinking? That a terrorist network would abide by its word? Just shake hands on it, and call it a good business deal?"

At today's meeting, Hotch actually tried to answer the obviously rhetorical question.

"They're used to being obeyed. In their world, the dollar is everything, and they use it to wield power. They're not used to dealing with people who value an ideology more than they value wealth."

"Or their lives. That's the thing that makes dealing with this generation of terrorists so difficult," explained Sid Hirsch. "Historically, we're familiar with the concept of the martyr, the person willing to die for his faith. But we don't have a frame of reference for dealing with someone who wants to take as many as they can with them, when they die. And neither does our cabal. I'll bet not a single one of them is even aware that the international arm of DTA has no intention of letting them import their 'rescue vaccines'. They've unleashed a monster."

And it would be up to a coalition of the acronymed agencies, including the FBI, to stop them. But not to the BAU. Now that the plot had been uncovered, and the partners identified, it would be up to another arm of the FBI to participate in the next phase of the operation. Because of their contributions, they were permitted to know that each of the overseas factories was under strict surveillance, and each was expected to be infiltrated by undercover workers in the very near future. There would be no risk of any of those vaccines being contaminated and shipped. Nor would PharmVac be doing any kind of business in the near future.

"They've had an unfortunate chemical spill," advised Hirsch, with a perfectly straight face. "All of their personnel have been evacuated, and their labs closed down."

Reid was sorry to hear that. "Most of the work they did there was for good. And most of the people who worked there sincerely wanted to help others."

Hirsch nodded in agreement. "Once we've got things where they need to be, PharmVac will be able to reopen…under new management."

Reid smiled. "Kimura will be glad to hear that. I know she thinks very highly of some of them, especially Dr. Barry."

"Speaking of Dr. Kimura," said Hotch, "did she happen to give you any paperwork?"

Now that the BAU was getting ready to get back to the pursuit of the 'run-of-the-mill' serial killer, Hotch wanted to be sure his youngest…and sometimes overeager….agent had official medical clearance.

Reid started to squirm. He hadn't actually kept his appointment with Kimura yesterday.

"Uh….ah…"

"It's right here," said the familiar voice, entering from the hallway. "I just have to see Dr. Reid in private for a few minutes, and I'll be able to sign it for you." Linda Kimura crooked her finger at her recalcitrant genius patient.

JJ had to bite her cheeks to keep from laughing at the looks of guilt and relief competing for prominence on the face of her beloved. Reid stood immediately and followed Kimura out the door of the conference room, hearing the sounds of laughter echoing behind him.

They used JJ's old office, still not reassigned.

"I don't think anyone has the courage…or the stamina…. to clean it out," explained Reid.

Kimura laughed. "Really? I never would have thought of JJ as being messy. She always seems so put together."

Reid smiled as he thought of the woman he loved, and of the many interesting paradoxes he would spend the rest of his life unraveling.

"A _little_ messy, maybe. But never disorganized. When it comes to what's important, JJ's on top of things."

Once settled, Kimura queried him on his status. Reid answered her questions honestly. No, his cheek didn't hurt any longer, and neither did his ribs. Yes, his breathing was easy, and he had no shortness of breath. Yes, his thinking was clear, his head didn't hurt, and he had no other symptoms of concussion. She followed up with a brief exam of his chest, and face, and neurologic status. And then she proclaimed him officially fit for duty.

"Can you put that in writing, please? Hotch is a little fussy that way."

Which made her laugh outright. She'd come to know Spencer Reid very well.

"I think I know why."

* * *

"That was amazing, Spence. I've never had food quite like that."

He was pleased that she'd enjoyed the evening at his favorite Indian restaurant. It had been a bit of a new experience for him, as well. It had been the first time he'd not gotten takeout. But dining together on the outdoor patio, in the cooling evening air, as a few stars began to outshine the setting sun, had made it a certainty that it wouldn't be the _last_ time he eschewed takeout. The beautiful woman at his side might have had something to do with that as well.

"I thought it tasted especially good tonight, too. But that might have been the company."

She squeezed the hand holding his as they walked along toward his apartment. There was something about the night that felt celebratory. Maybe it was their bringing their part of the terrorism case to a successful close. Or maybe it was something else.

"I'm so glad Mom was available to babysit tonight. She's so good with Henry. She was even out kicking a soccer ball around in the yard. I don't remember her ever doing that when I was a kid."

"Your mom was a little busy helping your dad with the farm and running a household, wasn't she? I'm told it's a grandparent's privilege to leave the work to her children, and take her turn at playing once again."

"Oh? And who told you this?"

"Sandy Jareau. While you were saying good night to Henry."

JJ chuckled as she felt Reid steering her toward the park.

"Come on. Let's see if any of the kids are there."

"Playing chess in the dark?"

He gave her a look. "Clearly you are not a chess player."

He brought her across several of the walking paths, until she could just make out a few moving lights in the evening twilight. As they neared the tables, she could see Gary and a few of the other boys, playing by flashlight.

"Hi, guys!"

"Spencer! And Mrs….." The boy had been introduced to her, via the mentoring program. But he'd never mastered her last name.

"Please call me JJ. Hi, Gary. Hello, boys."

Gary filled them in on the status of some of the kids they'd come to know, and Reid told the boys about Stephanie.

"I just spoke with her a couple of days ago. She's got a mentoring program going at two different sites in Africa, and has gotten a whole bunch of instruments donated. And I sent her a chess set, in honor of the man who taught me so much about the game. She said a few of the kids have really taken to it."

Gary's eyes brightened. "Really? Hey, that's a good idea! Maybe we can raise some money and send a few more! What do you think, guys?"

The rest of the chess kids thought it was a great idea, and the group got busy planning how they could expand their love of the game to a new audience, oceans away. Reid exchanged a satisfied grin with JJ Then they said their goodbyes, and headed back in the direction of his apartment.

She was curious, not having realized he'd spoken with Stephanie.

"Did you tell her about us?"

He nodded. "I did. And she wasn't the least bit surprised. Apparently, I talked about you a little bit when Steph and I were together."

As much as it tickled JJ to hear that, she couldn't help but wonder how Stephanie had actually felt about it.

"Was she…"

"She was happy for us. And she said to tell you that, sometimes, your best friend _is_ the one you should be dating."

* * *

He'd kept the lights low when they returned to his apartment, not wanting to spoil the mood of the evening. The open window let in cool, dry air, the sounds of the city wafting in on it, as the two cuddled on the sofa.

With her leaning against his chest, Reid felt it, rather than heard, as she heaved a huge sigh.

"You okay?"

He felt her nod. "It's...I can actually feel myself unwinding. I feel like I've been so tense, for so long, so much longer than I even realized..….. it's like I can feel each muscle fiber letting go, one by one. Finally."

He pulled her a little closer, and they sat for a while, silent, each lost in thought even as they were keenly aware of the other body touching theirs.

His fingers played with her hair, as she leaned against him, and her eyes became drawn to the fingers of his other hand. She reached out and took into both of hers, and became fascinated with it. She played with it, turning it over, again and again, studying the creases of the palm, the ropy veins of the back of it, reading them with her fingers, as though they told his life's story in Braille. Then she brought his fingers to her lips, and kissed them. And then the back of his hand, and his wrist, and that was when he felt the wetness falling to his skin.

He whispered. "Are you crying?"

He couldn't see her face. But he could feel the tension returned to her body, and knew she was trying desperately to hold something back. So he took his arm away from her shoulders, and turned her around. He'd had plans for this evening alone together. But he was willing to forego them, if she was upset.

Her lips were thinned, as she tried to hold it in.

"What? Tell me. It's not about what happened, is it? Because it's over and I'm fine."

She waited until she was confident in her voice.

"No. Yes. I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe…"

He pushed back the strands of blonde that had fallen in front of her face, and his eyes demanded hers.

"It's the work we do, JJ. It's happened before, and it's going to happen again. It might even happen to _you._ " Imagining, and then rejecting the thought outright. "Scratch that. I don't want to think about that."

Causing her to laugh and sniffle at once. "What's good for the goose, right? Never mind. I know it's part of the job. I do, I know that. It's not because of that."

"Then what?"

Her eyes broke away, searching somewhere above him for the right words. The _right_ words. The ones that could truly articulate what she was feeling. It was something she'd never felt before, and she wanted to capture it. Not just to tell Spence. She wanted to capture it for herself, to tame it in some way, because it felt as though it was about to wash over her in a wave. It felt like it could wash her away.

But the words wouldn't come. Not the real ones. Maybe the real ones didn't exist. Maybe they were only made of those inarticulate utterings that come over one in a state of joy.

So she used the inadequate ones. The only ones she owned.

"I….it's just….it's so _precious_. _So_ precious. I've never felt this before. It's even different from how it was with Henry. That's the only thing I have to compare it to. But it's not the same."

The half smile on Reid's lips belied his confusion, and he had time to wonder if the rest of his life would be like this. Not quite understanding, but relishing the challenge. Because the subject matter….the woman in front of him….was such a delightful puzzle to solve.

Beneath his narrowed lids, she could see his eyes, riveted to hers.

JJ used both hands to brush the tears from her cheeks, still seeking those elusive words. Finding herself having to settle, once again.

"I've never really known this before, Spence. Being loved like this. Loving in return. I know my parents loved me, and even Roz." Even if she let go, far too soon. "But I've never known 'this'. You know me as well as anyone who's ever lived. Sometimes, I think you know me better than I know myself."

"That's what happens with an anam cara."

He thought he understood, thought she was experiencing the wonder of knowing, and being known. But that wasn't it.

"That's not what I mean. Well, yes, it is, but….. but, Spence…" Fully turned to him now, earnest, wanting to get it right. "You know me….. _all_ of me. And you still love me."

Sounding as though she dare not believe it. And _now_ , he understood. It was so telling. She'd spent so long, all those years with Will, trying to make it work by being someone she was not, only to learn it was the person she was _not_ whom her husband loved.

But maybe it was more than that. Maybe she truly couldn't see the things he saw. Maybe she was afraid of the person she'd find within, that she'd look, and find herself wanting. Maybe she was afraid of delving too deeply, lest she find she was only a shallow pool. After all, the person she was hadn't been enough for Roz, and she hadn't been enough for Will.

Maybe she couldn't see what Spencer Reid saw. The beauty. The depth. The yearning. The love. Maybe she'd successfully squelched it for so long, that she could no longer even identify with it.

Spencer Reid was a genius, a man with an IQ of 187, who could read 20,000 words per minute. None of which mattered, in the moment. All that mattered, right now, was that he could read the woman looking at him with such pleading in her eyes.

 _Please tell me why you love me. I've lost touch with myself._

He leaned forward, and took her face into his hands.

"I _do_ know you. And I do _love_ you. Just as _you_ know everything about a skinny, awkward, genius FBI agent, and still manage to love him."

She started to protest his characterization of himself, but he shushed her.

"I know you had trouble finding the words. Believe it or not, I'm having trouble, too. So I want you to do something for me."

"What?" _Anything._

"I want you to let me show you."

Reid rose, and pulled her up by the hand, leading her slowly toward his bedroom.

Moonight flooded it this night, and they could still see each other's eyes as they undressed. It was admittedly a little awkward, considering. But the best friends grinned at one another, each oddly happy for this turn in the life of the other, even if it _was_ with themselves.

And then Reid laid her on the bed, and showed her all the things he hadn't been able to find words enough to tell her.

* * *

Save one sleepover with Henry, it was the first time Reid had ever awakened to someone else in his bed. It took him a moment to register that the first morning light was being reflected from the blonde head of the person he loved most in the world.

 _I could get very used to this._

He rolled from his side to his back and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, contemplating, and enjoying the soft snore of his companion. Then his need for caffeine began to nag at him, and he slipped away to the kitchen.

#####

The jostle of the bed wakened JJ, and she turned her head to see that the other side was empty. As she oriented to the fact that she was in Reid's bedroom, her nose caught the scent of coffee, and she smiled.

 _Spence._

She closed her eyes again, not falling asleep, but returning to what had happened last night, a most pleasant waking dream.

 _He said he wanted to show me. And he did._

JJ considered herself experienced. She had, after all, been married. And she'd had a few serious relationships before Will. But, experience was one thing. _Sex_ was one thing. What she'd experienced with Spence, last night, had been something entirely different.

 _I felt like…..like I was being 'adored'. Savored. Like there was no part of me he didn't love, and nothing he didn't want more of._

He'd been insistent, and reverent, and passionate, and cute, and …...

 _He was Spence. Everything about it was him being him. And loving me, being me._

The thought brought her to tears once again.

 _Is it crazy that I don't feel worthy? Is it a normal thing, with someone you really love?_

Resigned to the idea that all she could do was to live forward, into the answer. And relish doing so.

He came back a few minutes later, with two steaming mugs.

"Good morning," Grinning, as he handed hers over.

She returned the smile. "Good morning."

He sat on the edge of the bed next to her.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Are you kidding? Somebody turned me into jelly."

That somebody leaned in for a kiss.

"I could do it again, if you like."

She looked at him, a fullness in her chest that might have alarmed her, had she not understood it, at last.

"I don't think so."

He was taken aback at that, until he saw the smile in her eyes. It encouraged him to ask, "Why not?"

"Because it's my turn. This morning, _I_ want to show _you_."

And so, she did.

* * *

They went to work together, after she checked in with Sandy and Henry.

Hotch had already selected a new case, which Garcia presented, and they all discussed. Then their unit chief called for them all to convene at the plane in thirty minutes. The BAU was back to normal.

Reid had been walking out with JJ, when Hotch asked to see him for a moment. They went together to the unit chief's office.

"I just wanted to tell you that the CIA thinks they have a good handle on DTA. They think you'll be safe from retribution."

" _Think_?"

"Yes. They're confident enough that they've convinced Matt Cruz to pull the protective details." Waiting, just a beat, then deciding to be honest with his own feelings about it. "Unfortunately."

Reid tried to shrug it off. "It's all right. They're probably right. And, even if they're not…..it's a tough way to live, knowing someone is always watching. Even if they _are_ the good guys."

Hotch chuckled, just the slightest bit. "Does JJ agree with you on that?"

"To tell you the truth, we haven't discussed it. Not after the first day it came up."

 _We had other things on our minds._

Aaron Hotchner was an expert profiler. Which was a wasted skill, in this circumstance. One had no need of expertise to read the look on the young man's face.

"You seem…..different. _Happy_ , maybe?"

Reid considered it for a moment.

"I _am_ happy." A wry look crossing his face. 'Happiness' wasn't typically the topic of his one-on-one conversations with his unit chief. "If you can believe it."

Hotch gave one of his rare smiles.

"I can. And it's well deserved."

"Thanks."

The younger man turned to go, but then reversed direction, and faced his superior. His mentor. His friend. Hotch had helped him sort things out about Maeve, and the guilt and grief he'd carried for so long. He deserved to know.

"It's like I was sleepwalking through life, you know? Like I was afraid to hold onto it, and I certainly didn't feel like I was supposed to enjoy it."

Not when Maeve no longer had that privilege.

He had no need of saying it aloud. The man across from him understood, in the way that only a burdened few could.

"But now," continued the young genius, awe and gratitude in every syllable, "…now, I'm awake."

FINIS

* * *

 _ **A.N. And so, we come to the end. This was my longest story to date, and the writing of it spanned more than a full season. My thanks to all who offered support as you read, reacted, and reviewed. There is obviously room for further adventure in this universe, but nothing planned for the moment.**_

 _ **There were a few of you who were disappointed, because you were looking for something you weren't going to find. To my mind, the JJ you were looking for would have been out of character-both outright, and within the context of this story. You may disagree, of course, and FFN will give you the final word. But I couldn't, and wouldn't, have written her any way other than the way I did. It's just not how I see her. But it's a big site, and there are lots of stories. You'll find what you're looking for.**_


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